'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s09e02 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
YOU MAY WONDER
WHAT I AM DOING
IN AN UNDERGROUND BUNKER,
SITTING NEXT
TO A DEAD ELK.
THERE IS OF COURSE
A SIMPLE EXPLANATION FOR THIS.
I HAVE BEEN
TAKEN PRISONER
BY LOUISE
OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE
WHO HAS ANNOUNCED THAT I AM
TO BE HER LOVE SLAVE.
NATURALLY MY QUICK
THINKING HAS SAVED THE DAY.
FOR THE PAST 24 HOURS
I HAVE BEEN EXCUSING MYSELF
WITH A HEADACHE.
I HAD CONTEMPLATED
TAKING HER SLEEPING PILLS
TO END IT ALL,
BUT WITH MY LUCK
I WOULD PROBABLY
JUST END UP
WITH A REAL HEADACHE.
HANG ON.
I CAN HEAR THE RATTLE
OF HER GRENADES.
EXCUSE ME WHILE
I HAVE A RELAPSE.
OH, RENE,
THERE IS BAD NEWS.
YOU HAVE FOUND
SOME ASPIRINS?
NO. COME WITH ME.
THERE IS
A PARTY MEETING.
IS IT IMPORTANT?
THEY WILL NOT
ALLOW ME TO KEEP YOU
AS MY LOVE SLAVE.
AAAW,
AND JUST WHEN
MY HEADACHE HAD GONE.
FOLLOW ME.
AND SO I SAY
TO YOU, COMRADES,
THERE WILL BE
NO PRIVILEGED
PARTY MEMBERS.
WE ARE ALL FOR ONE
AND ONE FOR ALL.
I SECOND THAT.
WHY SHOULD LOUISE
HAVE THIS MAN TO HERSELF?
HANDS UP,
THOSE WHO AGREE.
HIS SERVICES
SHOULD BE SHARED
- AMONGST ALL OF US.
- WHAT?
I SUGGEST
WE SHARE HIM MORNINGS,
AFTERNOONS,
AND HAVE A LUCKY DIP
TO SEE WHO GETS HIM AT NIGHT.
MAY I PUT
A MOTION ON THE TABLE?
I HOPE THAT IS
THE CORRECT EXPRESSION.
IT IS.
CARRY ON.
I DO NOT WISH
TO BE IMMODEST.
BUT AS A WELL KNOWN
RESISTANCE HERO,
SHOULD I NOT BE OUT ALL DAY
BLOWING THINGS UP,
AND RESTING PEACEFULLY
AT NIGHT?
IT IS BECAUSE YOU
ARE A HERO
THAT YOU MUST STAY HERE.
WHEN THE WAR ENDS,
YOU WILL LEAD
OUR PARTY TO VICTORY.
I GIVE YOU
COMRADE ARTOIS,
AND POSSIBLY
THE NEW LEADER
OF THE FRENCH
COMMUNIST PARTY.
COMRADE ARTOIS.
COMRADE ARTOIS!
All:
SPEECH! SPEECH!
THANK YOU, COMRADES.
MY FIRST TASK
WILL BE
GETTING A SHORTER
WORKING WEEK,
WHICH I THINK
I SHOULD START NOW.
OVERRULED.
- WHAT?
- RIGHT.
LET'S PUT ALL
OUR NAMES INTO THE HAT
AND SEE WHO GETS
HIS SERVICES FIRST.
PASS IT AROUND.
I HOPE YOU ARE NOT
EXPECTING TOO MUCH.
AND DON'T FORGE
THE LUCKY DIP.
KEEP CALM,
YOU KEEN COMMIE.
NOW LET US SEE.
FOR THE REST
OF THE MORNING,
- HE BELONGS TO NOLA.
- GOOD.
HE CAN HELP WITH
THE COOKING AND WASHING.
YOU WILL FIND ME WILLING.
THE AFTERNOON,
HE BELONGS TO CLAUDETTE.
GOOD, HE CAN HELP
WITH THE MENDING
AND IRONING.
YOU TOO WILL
FIND ME WILLING.
AND NOW,
THE WINNER
OF THE LUCKY DIP IS--
DESIREE.
AND WILL I FIND
YOU WILLING?
YOU WILL FIND ME
HIDING UNDER THE BED.
I THINK MY HEADACHE
HAS COME BACK.
IT IS SO SAD,
COLONEL.
POOR RENE
SACRIFICED HIMSELF
TO SAVE US.
HE DIED A HERO'S DEATH.
DON'T BE SUCH
A NINNY, GRUBER.
IT WASN'T OUR FAULT
HE WAS BLOWN TO BITS.
IT WAS A GERMAN SHELL
THAT HIT THE WINDMILL.
HE SHOULD HAVE
RUN AWAY FASTER.
WHAT CONCERNS ME NOW
IS GETTING BACK
THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE MISSING BOOBY
FROM MADAME EDITH.
WE MUST GO
TO THE CAFE AT ONCE.
THAT IS VERY
CALLOUS, COLONEL.
SHE'S ONLY BEEN
A WIDOW SINCE YESTERDAY.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL GO
IN HALF AN HOUR.
NOW PULL YOURSELF
TOGETHER,
AND GET HELGA
IN HERE.
( blows nose )
COULD WE HAVE A WORD,
PLEASE, HELGA?
( sobs )
WHAT DO YOU
WANT, COLONEL?
WE LEFT THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
AT CAFE RENE
FOR SAFEKEEPING.
YOU MUST HELP US RECOVER
THE MISSING BOOBY
FROM HERR FLICK.
ONLY IF I GET A CUT
OF THE PROCEEDS.
YOU'RE IN NO POSITION
TO MAKE DEMANDS, HELGA.
THEN THE BOOBY
WILL STAY MISSING.
AND I MAY EVEN EXPOSE
THAT COCK-AND-BULL STORY
YOU TOLD THE GENERAL
ABOUT BEING CAPTURED
BY THE RESISTANCE.
IT WAS NOT
A COCK-AND-BULL STORY.
NO, IT WAS ALMOST
ENTIRELY BULL.
GRUBER!
SHE KNOWS WE WERE
REALLY DESERTING, COLONEL.
WE HAVE NO CHOICE
BUT TO CUT HER IN.
OH, VERY WELL.
BUT YOU ARE A DEVIOUS,
UNDERHAND,
SCHEMING
BLACKMAILER, HELGA.
YOU FORGET, COLONEL,
I AM A WOMAN.
GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN!
HEIL HITLER.
HEIL HITLER.
AFTER YOUR INCARCERATION
BY THOSE RESISTANCE PEOPLE,
WHAT WE ALL NEED
IS A LITTLE RELAXATION
AROUND HERE.
YOU ARE BOTH INVITED
TO JOIN ME
FOR MY SHOOTING PARTY
IN THE FOREST THIS AFTERNOON.
WE SHALL BE DELIGHTED.
THAT'LL BE
AN HONOR, GENERAL.
WILL THERE BE
ANY WILD BOAR?
APART FROM YOU, NO.
A FEW RABBITS,
PERHAPS A DEER,
IF WE ARE LUCKY.
- REPORT TO THE CHATEAU
AFTER LUNCH.
- YES, GENERAL.
AND, UH--
ABOUT THE PEASANT
WHO WAS BLOWN TO BITS
- AT THE WINDMILL
DURING TARGET PRACTICE--
- ( sobs )
GO AND SEE THE WIDOW.
EXPRESS OUR REGRETS.
SHOULD WE NOT
APOLOGIZE, GENERAL?
AFTER ALL,
HE DID SAVE US.
NO NEED TO GO
QUITE THAT FAR.
BUT PERHAPS
A SMALL OFFER
OF COMPENSATION
MIGHT NOT GO AMISS.
WE DON'T WANT TO ANSWER
ANY AWKWARD QUESTIONS
WHEN WE LOSE THE WAR.
DO YOU NOT MEAN
IF WE LOSE THE WAR?
NO. I AM RAPIDLY
LOSING CONFIDENCE
IN THE GERMAN ARMY.
BUT, GENERAL, YOU STILL HAVE MEN
LIKE ME AND GRUBER BEHIND YOU.
THAT'S WHY
I'M LOSING CONFIDENCE.
HEIL HITLER.
HAVE YOU DONE ALL
YOUR CHORES YET, COMRADE?
WELL, THE SNAKE STEW IS
COMING ALONG VERY NICELY,
AND I HAVE ALMOST FINISHED
BOILING YOUR UNDERWEAR.
YOU HAVE DONE WELL.
I WILL REWARD YOU
WHEN I WIN THE LUCKY DIP.
THE "WELL DONE"
IS ENOUGH FOR ME,
IF IT IS ALL
THE SAME TO YOU, COMRADE.
OH MY GOD.
WHAT IS IT,
COMRADE?
I HAVE PUT YOUR KNICKERS
IN THE STEW.
BUT YOU HAVE
RUINED THEM.
I DO NOT SUPPOSE
THEY HAVE DONE MUCH
FOR THE STEW EITHER.
WHAT IS THE MATTER
WITH YOU?
I AM NOT USED
TO BEING UNDERGROUND
WITH A BUNCH
OF DESPERATE WOMEN.
WE ARE NOT USED
TO LIVING UNDERGROUND
WITH SUCH
AN ATTRACTIVE MAN.
I CANNOT WAIT
FOR THE LUCKY DIP,
HOLD ME NOW.
NO NO, PLEASE.
CONTROL YOURSELF, COMRADE.
CONTROL YOURSELF.
THINK OF LENIN.
WOMEN LOVED HIM
AS WELL.
HE HAD CRUMPET ALL
OVER THE KREMLIN.
PLEASE PLEASE, LOOK--
STOP STOP!
YOUR KNICKERS
ARE BOILING OVER.
OH, YOU CAN
SAY THAT AGAIN.
I HAVE JUST BEEN
SORTING THROUGH SOME
OF RENE'S BELONGINGS.
POOR RENE.
HOW I MISS HIM.
I MISS HIM ALSO.
OH, HE IS A GREAT LOSS
TO US ALL.
TAKE SOMETHING OF HIS
FROM THIS BOX
TO REMEMBER HIM BY.
HE WOULD HAVE
WANTED IT.
I SHALL HAVE
HIS MOUSTACHE STIFFENER.
IT WILL
REMIND ME OF HIM.
AND I WILL HAVE
THIS LUCKY RABBIT'S FOOT.
WHAT A PITY HE
WAS NOT WEARING IT
WHEN HE WAS BLOWN UP.
MADAME EDITH,
I MUST SPEAK
WITH YOU URGENTLY.
WHAT IS IT, MICHELLE?
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.
I HAVE SPOKEN
WITH THE PARISH PRIEST,
AND HE HAS AGREED TO HOLD
A SPECIAL MEMORIAL SERVICE
FOR RENE THIS EVENING.
OH, THANK YOU,
MICHELLE.
EVERYONE IS
BEING SO KIND.
WELL, RENE WAS A TRUE
HERO OF FRANCE.
A PAIN IN THE BUM
SOMETIMES,
BUT STILL A HERO.
GOOD MOANING.
GOOD MORNING,
OFFICER CRABTREE,
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
I HAVE HERE
SOME THINGS OF RENE'S.
PLEASE TAKE SOMETHING.
HOW VERY KIND.
I AM MOVED.
THINK YOU.
I WILL TAKE THESE
BURCYCLE CLAPS.
THEY WILL STOP MY TROOSERS
FLIPPING IN THE WOND.
AND I WILL HAVE
THIS BOTTLE OF HAIR POMADE.
OH, THAT SMELL
WE REMEMBER SO WELL.
NO, HE WAS MORE
GARLICY THAN THAT.
ANYWAY, HE HAS NOT
USED MUCH.
HE DID NOT HAVE
MUCH HAIR TO USE IT ON.
MADAME EDITH,
I WILL NOT BEAT
ABOUT THE BUSH.
I WANT TO PRESS
MY SUIT.
I WILL PLUG IN
THE IRON.
NO NO, I MEAN
MY PROPOSAL OF MARRIAGE,
NOW THAT YOU
ARE A WIDOW.
OH, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
IT IS TOO SOON.
ANOTHER DAY PERHAPS?
BUT NOW RENE IS STILL
FRESH IN MY MEMORY.
HE IS FROSH
IN ALL OUR MAMMARIES.
PERHAPS WE SHOULD
PUT UP SOMETHING
THAT WILL REMIND
US OF HIM.
BUT WHAT?
NOTHING SPRINGS TO MIND.
WHAT ABOUT A PLAQUE
WITH A KNIFE AND FORK
MOUNTED ON
A BREAD ROLL?
HE DESERVED MORE
THAN THAT.
TWO BREAD ROLLS.
WHAT ABOUT A STITUE?
THAT IS
A GOOD IDEA.
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD
MAKE A STATUE OF RENE
FOR THE SQUARE?
I WOULD NEED
A PHOTOGRAPH OF HIM.
HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ALREADY
WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE?
MY SHORT TERM MEMORY
IS NOT TOO GOOD.
WELL, HE WAS
TALL.
YES, TALL.
THINNING ON TOP.
YES.
AND RATHER PLIMP
WITH A BIG BIM.
YES YES,
THAT WAS HIM.
TALL, BALDING AND FAT.
WHATEVER DID YOU
SEE IN HIM?
I AM BEGINNING
TO WONDER.
( tires squealing )
IT IS THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER
IN HIS LITTLE TANK.
THEY ARE GETTING OUT
AND COMING THIS WAY.
I WILL DISAPPEAR
UP YOUR BACK PASSAGE.
YVETTE--
GIRLS, GO UPSTAIRS
AND GET ON WITH
THE CLEANING.
I WILL HANDLE THIS.
AND I MUST BE
ABOUT MY BOSSNESS.
GOOD MOANING,
COLONEL VON STREAM,
LIEUTENANT GREEBER.
YOU LITTLE TONK
IS BADLY POCKED.
DO NOT LEAVE IT
TOO LUNG,
OR I SHALL
PUT A TOCKET
ON YOUR TIRRIT.
GOOD MORNING,
COLONEL,
LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
WHAT CAN I DO
FOR YOU?
WE HAVE COME
FOR THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WE LEFT WITH RENE.
I'M SORRY, COLONEL,
I DO NOT KNOW
WHERE IT IS.
RENE HID IT
SOMEWHERE
BEFORE HE DIED.
LOOK AROUND FOR IT.
WE MUST HAVE IT.
OF COURSE, COLONEL.
AND, MADAME EDITH,
WE DEEPLY REGRET
WHAT HAPPENED TO RENE.
PERHAPS WE COULD
OFFER YOU
SOME SMALL SUM
BY WAY OF COMPENSATION?
OH, LIEUTENANT GRUBER,
NO AMOUNT OF MONEY
COULD POSSIBLY
COMPENSATE ME FOR THE LOSS
OF A MAN LIKE RENE.
HOW MUCH?
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, PLEASE.
WE WISH TO HELP YOU,
MADAME EDITH.
WELL, PERHAPS THERE IS
SOMETHING YOU COULD DO.
WOULD YOU PAY
FOR A STATUE OF RENE
TO BE ERECTED
IN THE SQUARE?
WHAT A SPLENDID IDEA.
DEPENDS HOW MUCH
IT WOULD COST.
HERE IS A LIST
OF MY CHARGES.
THAT ONE IS FOR A LIFE-SIZED
STATUE IN MARBLE,
THAT ONE IS
FOR SANDSTONE,
AND THAT ONE
IS FOR CONCRETE.
AND THAT ONE IS
FOR A WATERPROOF
CARDBOARD CUTOUT.
WE'LL PAY FOR
THE CONCRETE ONE.
COME ON, GRUBER.
CHEAPSKATES.
I AM SO VERY SORRY
ABOUT OUR LOSS.
THANK YOU.
OH, MADAME EDITH,
YOU HAVE ME NOW.
AND SOON YOU WILL
HAVE HIM,
IN TWO OF SAND
AND ONE OF CEMENT.
YOU WILL HAVE
TO PEDAL FASTER
THAN THAT, COMRADE,
OR OUR KNICKERS
WILL NEVER DRY.
I AM DOING
MY BEST, CLAUDETTE.
YOU MAY STOP
FOR A MOMENT.
AH!
WHAT IS THE MATTER?
I AM SADDLE SORE.
WE ARE GOING OUT
NOW ON PATROL.
OH.
BUT I WILL BE BACK,
IN A SHORT WHILE.
TAKE YOUR TIME.
DO NOT GET IDEAS
ABOUT ESCAPING--
AS IF I WOULD.
--BECAUSE I AM LEAVING
ONE OF MY COMRADES BEHIND,
TO KEEP AN EYE ON YOU.
HOW THOUGHTFUL.
DESIREE?
UNTIL LATER,
COMRADE.
NOW GET BACK
TO YOUR PEDALING
OR OUR KNICKERS
WILL GO MOLDY.
OW!
FASTER, PEASANT,
FASTER.
MY KNICKERS ARE NEXT.
I AM NOT TRAINING
FOR THE TOUR DE FRANCE,
YOU KNOW.
BE VERY CAREFUL
HOW YOU TAKE OFF
THE BANDAGES,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
MY NEW FEATURES
MAY STILL BE
A LITTLE DELICATE.
YES, HERR FLICK.
GOOD MORNING,
HERR FLICK.
AH, HELGA,
YOU ARE JUST IN TIME
TO WITNESS
THE REMOVAL
OF MY BANDAGES.
I CAN HARDLY WAIT.
VON SMALLHAUSEN,
- GET THE SCISSORS.
- YES, HERR FLICK.
AS SOON AS
THE ALLIES INVADE,
I WILL HEAD
FOR ARGENTINA.
WILL YOU BE TAKING
ME WITH YOU?
ONLY IF YOU
HELP ME RECOVER
THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
FROM THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
- BUT THEY DO NOT HAVE IT.
- WHAT?
THEY GAVE IT
TO RENE ARTOIS,
THE CAFE OWNER
WHO WAS BLOWN UP
AT THE OLD WINDMILL.
THEN WE WILL GET IT
FROM HIS WIDOW.
SURELY SHE WILL NEVER
GIVE IT TO YOU?
MY BRILLIANT MIND
IS EVEN NOW DEVISING
A CUNNING PLAN
TO PERSUADE HER.
BUT FIRST,
VON SMALLHAUSEN,
CUT THE BANDAGES.
YES, HERR FLICK.
I'M AGOG WITH EXPECTATION.
HOLD THE MIRROR.
YES, HERR FLICK.
( ripping )
WHAT A SHOCK!
IS THIS REALLY YOU,
HERR FLICK?
EVEN I AM UNSURE
IF IT IS REALLY ME.
I SHALL CARRY OUT
THE ULTIMATE TEST.
I WILL KISS YOU,
TO SEE IF I STILL
SHUDDER WITH ECSTASY.
#############
WELL?
I STILL SHUDDER,
BUT THE ECSTASY
IS MISSING.
THEN I NEED
A SECOND OPINION.
NOT FROM YOU.
IS THAT DANDELION TEA
READY YET?
IT IS ALMOST COMING,
COMRADE.
( jingling )
HA HA.
HERE IT IS.
DRINK IT ALL
DOWN IN ONE GO,
IT WILL
DO YOU GOOD.
AH, I NEEDED THAT.
YOU MAKE FINE
DANDELION TEA.
IT IS A KNACK.
I HAVE WAITED
A LONG TIME
FOR THIS MOMENT,
RENE ARTOIS.
AT LAST I HAVE
YOU ALONE.
NO, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE,
YOU DO NOT GET ME
UNTIL AFTER THE SUN
GOES DOWN.
I DON'T CARE.
COMRADE, I LOVE YOU
PASSIONATELY.
- AND I KNOW YOU
FEEL THE SAME.
- YOU DO?
I'VE SEEN THE WAY YOU'VE
BEEN LOOKING AT ME--
THE HUNGER IN YOUR EYES.
I AM NOT SURPRISED,
I DID NOT FANCY
THAT STEW.
PLEASE, NOW CONTROL
YOURSELF.
DO NOT BLOT
YOUR PARTY CARD.
OH, I FEEL FUNNY.
IT MUST BE
THE AIR IN HERE.
COME BACK.
AH!
FANCY LURING ME
INTO THE BEDROOM,
YOU NAUGHTY BOY.
I ASSURE YOU IT WAS--
IT WAS NOT INTENTIONAL.
AND WHAT DO YOU
SUGGEST WE DO NOW?
HOW ABOUT A NAP?
LATER.
AND NOW MY HERO
OF THE RESISTANCE,
HOLD ME, KISS ME,
MAKE ME FAINT
WITH ECSTASY.
REMEMBER
YOUR PART WELL,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
SHE IS ONLY
A SIMPLE PEASANT.
SHE WILL BE COMPLETELY
FOOLED BY OUR STORIES.
BUT REMEMBER, SHE WILL
NOT RECOGNIZE ME.
YES, HERR FLICK.
GOOD MORNING,
HERR FLICK.
HERR VON SMALLHAUSEN.
DO YOU NOT NOTICE
ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?
A NEW HAT?
PREPARE YOURSELF
FOR A SURPRISE.
QUITE A BIG ONE.
I AM PREPARED,
I HOPE.
I AM NOT REALLY
OTTO FLICK OF THE GESTAPO.
I AM, IN FACT,
A MEMBER OF THE BRITISH
INTELLIGENCE SERVICE.
MY REAL NAME
IS BASIL DE VERE COURTNEY.
AND I AM GEORGE
MARMADUKE ST. JOHN
FOTHERINGTON SMYTHE.
BUT YOU CAN
CALL ME BUFFY.
BUT THE GERMAN
ACCENTS?
BOTH BORN
IN GERMANY,
BUT WE WERE
TURNED AT CAMBRIDGE.
HE WAS TURNED
A BIT MORE THAN ME.
WELL, THIS IS A SURPRISE.
I HAVE HERE
SOME PHOTOGRAPHS,
TO PROVE TO YOU THAT
WE ARE REALLY BRITISH.
THIS IS ME PLAYING
POLO WITH KING GEORGE.
AND HERE I AM
ON THE CENTER COURT
OF WIMBLEDON IN 1936.
BUT THIS IS
THE LADIES' SINGLES.
EVEN THEN
I WAS IN DISGUISE.
THIS IS THE 1937
CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY
ROWING EIGHT.
WHEN YOU LOOK CLOSELY,
YOU MAY RECOGNIZE
THEIR COX.
WILL I?
I WAS THE COX.
HE STEERS THE BOAT.
OH-- OH YES,
OF COURSE.
HAVE WE CONVINCED YOU?
WITH SUCH
OVERWHELMING EVIDENCE,
HOW COULD I DOUBT IT?
GOOD.
NOW I UNDERSTAND
YOU HAVE THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA.
I HAVE
THE MISSING BOOBY.
YOU MUST GIVE ME
THE PAINTING.
THEN WE WILL
INSERT THE BOOBY
AND SEND THE WHOLE THING
TO ENGLAND
SO THEY CAN SELL IT
TO RAISE MONEY FOR
THE WAR EFFORT.
THEY'RE JOLLY HARD UP.
BUT I DO NOT KNOW
WHERE THE PAINTING IS, BASIL.
RENE HID IT SOMEWHERE.
SEARCH THE BUILDING
FOR IT,
AND BRING IT TO ME
AT MY HEADQUARTERS.
I WILL DO MY BEST.
YOUR LOYALTY
TO THE CAUSE
WILL NOT BE
FORGOTTEN.
AND WHEN THE WAR
IS OVER,
PERHAPS WE CAN GET TO KNOW
EACH OTHER BETTER.
I WOULD LIKE THAT.
I WILL TAKE YOU
TO ENGLAND
AND SHOW YOU
MY COUNTRY SEAT.
THAT SOUNDS INTERESTING.
OH, IT IS.
I'VE SEEN IT.
COME, BUFFY,
WE MUST GET BACK
FOR SOME TIFFIN,
AND A CUP OF CHA.
GOOD DAY,
MADAME EDITH.
WHAT IS CHA,
HERR FLICK?
HOW QUICKLY YOU
FORGET, BUFFY.
OH, SORRY, BASIL.
WHAT A VON TWIT I AM.
THIS LOOKS LIKE
A GOOD SPOT.
LAST ONE
TO BAG A RABBIT
BUYS ALL THE DRINKS.
I AM SLIGHTLY WORRIED.
ISN'T THIS GENERAL
VON BLINKHORN'S ESTATE?
HE IS RENOWNED
FOR BEING RUTHLESS
WITH POACHERS.
TO HELL WITH
VON BLINKHORN,
WE HUNT
WHERE WE LIKE.
AN ELK!
IN THESE WOODS!
QUITE EXTRAORDINARY.
NOT A VERY BIG ONE.
MY SHOT, I THINK.
AAH! OOH!
I THINK YOU
WINGED IT, GENERAL.
I AGREE.
BUT THAT'S THE FIRS
TIME I'VE SEEN ONE
RUN OFF ON TWO LEGS.
Rene:
AH, OOH!
DID YOU JUST
HEAR A SHOT?
LOUISE, LOOK,
THERE ARE GERMANS
OVER THERE.
THEY WILL NOT LEAVE
THE WOOD ALIVE.
OPEN UP.
VON BLINKHORN'S
GAMEKEEPERS ARE
RATHER KEEN.
QUICK,
BACK TO THE CAR.
( guns firing )
THERE.
OH, WHAT A WONDERFUL
TOUCHING SERVICE
THAT WAS.
AND WHAT WONDERFUL
THINGS THE PRIEST
SAID ABOUT RENE.
IT IS CUSTOMARY
TO EXAGGERATE
ON THESE OCCASIONS.
DO NOT FEAR,
MADAME EDITH.
RONNIE'S MAMMARY
WILL LIVE ON,
EVEN THOUGH HE HAS
PISSED AWAY.
( sobbing )
OH, DRY YOUR EYES, GIRLS.
IT IS OVER.
COME LET US GO
INTO THE BACK ROOM.
I HAVE PREPARED
SOME SANDWICHES FOR US.
SPLONDID.
I COULD DO
WITH A NOBBLE.
HERE, HELP YOURSELVES.
FOR MY PART,
I COULD NOT
EAT A THING.
I AM TOO UPSET.
NOR ME.
MY APPETITE
HAS VANISHED ALSO.
OH WELL,
ALL THE MORE FOR MOO.
DO NOT WORRY,
MADAME EDITH,
I WILL LOOK AFTER YOU.
NO ONE
WILL EVER FORGET
A MAN SUCH AS
RENE ARTOIS
IN A HURRY.
DO YOU THINK
HE IS UP THERE,
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
WATCHING OVER US?
WHO?
RENE OF COURSE.
SHOULD WE TRY AND GET
IN TOUCH WITH HIM?
IT IS A BIT LATE
FOR THAT, IS IT NOT?
WELL, MAMMA
USED TO DO IT.
PERHAPS SHE HAS
PASSED THE GIFT ON TO ME.
LET US ALL SIT ROUND
THE TABLE AND HOLD HANDS.
MIMI, LIGHT
THE CANDLES,
YVETTE, PUT OUT
THE LIGHT.
ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU ARE DOING?
DO NOT WORRY.
I WILL BE IN CONTROL.
I HOPE SO.
IT IS DANGEROUS
TO ENTER THE SPIRIT WORLD.
OH, I MUST TRY AND GET
IN TOUCH WITH RENE
ONE MORE TIME.
PERHAPS HE COULD TELL US
WHERE HE HAS HIDDEN
THE FALLEN MADONNA
PAINTING.
AND I WOULD NOT MIND
A WORD WITH ONE OR TWO
CLIENTS OF MINE
WHO DID NOT
LEAVE ENOUGH MONEY
TO PAY THEIR BILLS.
HERE, LET US ALL
HOLD HANDS.
OH, IT HAS SUDDENLY
GONE VERY COLD IN HERE.
I CAN FOOL ICY FONGERS
DOWN THE BOCK OF MY NICK.
IT IS VERY CROOPY.
OH, I HOPE WE'RE
DOING THE RIGHT THING.
IS THERE ANYONE THERE
WHO WISHES TO SPEAK
WITH ANYONE HERE?
TWO KNOCKS FOR YES,
ONE KNOCK FOR NO.
( rattling )
OH OH!
I HEARD A RATTLE.
I THINK WE ARE
GETTING THROUGH TO HIM.
- ( rattling )
- I FEEL HIS PRESENCE.
HE CANNOT
BE FAR AWAY.
OOOH!
BE CAREFUL, MADAME EDITH.
I HAD A FRIEND ONCE
WHO DREW A PENTACLE
AND SUMMONED UP
THE DEVIL ACCIDENTALLY--
IN A DESERTED LAUNDRY.
THAT MUST HAVE PUT
THE WOOLIES UP HIM.
RENE, IF YOU ARE HERE
MAKE YOUR PRESENCE
KNOWN.
HE KNOCKED.
OH MY GID.
( knocks )
OH, THERE IS SOMETHING
AT THE WINDOW.
CAN IT BE HIM?
BACK FROM THE GROOVE?
SUDDENLY MY TICKER
IS VERY DICKY.
( knocks )
I AM NOT AFRAID,
FOR I AM PURE IN HEART
AND LOOKED AFTER
BY THE ANGELS.
( screaming )
I THINK THE ANGELS
ARE ON STRIKE.
Edith:
OH MY GOD,
IT IS THE DEVIL.
WE HAVE CONJURED UP
THE DEVIL.
( screaming )
THE KNOB HAS COME OFF
IN MY HAND.
HELP!
SHE IS FIGHTING
WITH THE DEVIL.
WHAT DOES SHE SAY?
THE KNOB HAS COME OFF
IN HER HAND.
HE WILL
NOT LIKE THAT.
RENE!
All:
RENE?
YOU STUPID WOMAN.
OF COURSE IT IS ME,
ALIVE AND WELL
AFTER A WEEK
UNDER THE GROUND.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
HOW DARE YOU
COME BACK TO HAUNT ME?
NO NO, EDITH.
I WANT YOU TO LOOK
AT SOMETHING FOR ME.
LOOK, THERE.
BACK! YOU FIEND!
BEGONE!
Yvette:
OH, RENE!
STOP IT!