'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s09e03 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
YOU ARE PROBABLY WONDERING
WHAT I AM DOING
LYING ON A TABLE
WITH MY TROUSERS DOWN.
THERE IS, AS USUAL,
A SIMPLE EXPLANATION.
I WAS BEING HELD PRISONER
IN AN UNDERGROUND BUNKER
BY LADIES OF THE COMMUNIST
RESISTANCE
WHO WERE USING ME
AS THEIR LOVE SLAVE.
I MANAGED TO ESCAPE,
BUT BECAUSE
THEY HAD TAKEN MY CLOTHES
I HAD TO COVER MYSELF UP
WITH AN ELKSKIN BEDSPREAD
IN ORDER TO GET BACK HERE.
UNFORTUNATELY, WHILE I WAS
RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS
A HUNTER MISTOOK ME
FOR A REAL ELK--
SHOT ME UP THE BUM.
I AM NOW HAVING
THE PELLETS REMOVED
AND IT IS NOT
A PLEASANT EXPERIENCE.
OW, THAT HURT!
WE ARE SORRY, RENE.
WE ARE TRYING TO BE
AS GENTLE AS POSSIBLE.
THERE WERE
DOZENS OF PELLETS
TO REMOVE, I'M AFRAID.
YOUR BACKSIDE
LOOKS LIKE A COLANDER.
YOU HAVE MISSED
ONE THERE.
FACE THE FRONT.
THIS IS NO CONCERN
OF YOURS.
I WAS ONLY
TRYING TO HELP.
- OH.
- YOU TOO.
YOU ARE ONLY HERE
TO HOLD THE TOWEL.
SPOILSPORT.
THERE IS JUST
ONE MORE, I THINK.
- WHERE?
- THERE.
I SAID FACE THE FRONT.
IT IS VERY DEEP.
I SHALL NEED
MY SPECIAL FORCEPS.
OH MY GOD,
YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE
MY TONSILS OUT AS WELL,
ARE YOU?
I HOPE YOU HAVE
A STEADY HAND,
DOCTOR.
SO DO I.
- CAN I GET UP NOW?
- OF COURSE.
RENE?
AH, THERE YOU ARE.
I DID NOT RECOGNIZE YOU
FROM THIS SIDE.
WHAT IS IT, MICHELLE?
I MUST SPEAK
WITH YOU URGENTLY.
YOU CERTAINLY
PICK YOUR TIMES.
WE WILL HELP YOU
WITH YOUR TROUSERS, RENE.
YOU WILL DO NOTHING
OF THE SORT!
GO UPSTAIRS
AND GET READY.
- I WILL HELP RENE.
- I CAN MANAGE, THANK YOU.
- WOULD YOU LIKE
THESE AS MEMENTOS?
- NO, THANK YOU.
I DO NOT WISH TO BE REMINDED
OF THIS MOMENT EVER AGAIN.
YOU WON'T BE--
NOT UNTIL YOU SIT DOWN.
GOODBYE.
GOOD DAY TO YOU.
WHAT IS IT, MICHELLE?
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.
NOW THAT THE GERMANS
THINK YOU ARE DEAD
IT IS AN IDEAL
OPPORTUNITY
FOR US TO SMUGGLE YOU
TO ENGLAND.
ARE YOU MAD?
WHY WOULD I WANT
TO GO TO ENGLAND?
BECAUSE THE BRITISH
NEED YOU
TO HELP WITH
THEIR INVASION PLANS.
JUST THINK WHAT A HERO
YOU WILL BE.
THAT IS TRUE.
THERE WILL BE A STATUE OF YOU
IN EVERY TOWN IN FRANCE.
NOT ONLY THE ONE
WE'RE ERECTING HERE.
A STATUE OF ME HERE?
THE GERMANS
HAVE ALREADY AGREED.
BUT ONLY BECAUSE
THEY THINK YOU ARE DEAD.
IF YOU ANNOUNCE
YOU ARE ALIVE
THERE WILL BE
NO STATUE.
I WILL GO TO ENGLAND.
IT IS MY DUTY FOR FRANCE.
GOOD MOANING.
GOOD MOANING.
IS EVERYONE ROODY
FOR THE PROCISSION
OF YOUR PERSONAL
POSITIONS, RONNIE?
WHAT IS THIS IDIOT
ON ABOUT?
OH, I FORGOT
TO TELL YOU.
THEY ARE DOING A PARADE
OF YOUR BERET AND BOOTS
THROUGH THE TOWN
THIS MORNING.
AND THEN THEY ARE
TO BE PUT ON DISPLAY
IN THE MUSEUM.
THE LAST REMOONS
OF A BROOVE MIN.
WHAT AN HONOR.
OH, I MUST MAKE
MYSELF SCARCE.
THE PLANE WILL PICK YOU UP
TOMORROW NIGHT, RENE.
KEEP OUT OF SIGHT
UNTIL THEN.
I WILL HIDE UPSTAIRS
WITH MY BUM IN A BUCKET
OF ICE CREAM.
REMIND ME NEVER TO ORDER
A RASPBERRY RIPPLE AGAIN.
YOU CANNOT
HIDE HERE, RENE.
THE GERMANS MAY DECIDE
TO SEARCH THE CAFE,
THEN ALL
WOULD BE REVEALED.
HE COULD HID
IN THE MARZEUM.
NO ONE WOULD
LEAK IN THERE.
THAT IS A GOOD IDEA.
YOU CAN JOIN
THE PROCESSION
AND THEN HIDE
IN THE MUSEUM
WHEN THEY PUT
YOUR REMAINS
ON DISPLAY.
I COULD BE BE RECOGNIZED
IF I JOIN THE PROCESSION!
THEN YOU MUST
GO IN DISGUISE.
OFFICER CRABTREE,
TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES.
I BIG YOUR PIDDEN?
RENE CAN WEAR YOUR UNIFORM
TO GET TO THE MUSEUM.
THE THONGS I DEE
FOR ONGLAND.
AS YOU SEE, I AM PRUDE
TO WEAR THE UNION JOCK.
AND A BIG ONE, TOO.
AH, THERE YOU ARE, GRUBER.
WE'VE BEEN LOOKING
ALL OVER FOR YOU.
GOOD MORNING, COLONEL.
OW!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THE GARRISON MECHANICS
HAVE ALL BEEN SENT
TO THE COAST
TO OVERHAUL
THE FRONTLINE PANZERS
BEFORE THE BRITISH INVADE.
SO I AM SERVICING
HUBERT JUNIOR MYSELF.
HUBERT JUNIOR?
MY LITTLE TANK.
THAT IS HIS NAME.
I AM JUST REPLACING
A PISTON.
WE ARE SUPPOSED
TO BE ATTENDING
THE CEREMONIAL PROCESSION
FOR RENE THIS MORNING.
OH, I WILL BE
FINISHED BY THEN, COLONEL.
AND WE'LL HAVE TO ASK
MADAME EDITH
IF SHE'S FOUND THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA.
WE'VE GOT TO GET IT BACK.
I WILL BE READY
IN A MOMENT.
I MUST JUST CHECK
THE PRESSURE
IN THE COOLING SYSTEM.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU KNEW
ANYTHING ABOUT ENGINES.
OH, YES!
I STUDIED TANK MAINTENANCE
AT OFFICER TRAINING SCHOOL
YEARS AGO.
( liquid spilling )
ALTHOUGH, PERHAPS, I COULD DO
WITH A REFRESHER COURSE.
THERE, THAT SHOULD DO IT.
YOU WILL NOT TRIP OVER
YOUR TROUSER LEGS NOW.
BE KEERFUL
OF MY UNIFOAM,
RONNIE.
I DO NOT
HAVE A SPEAR.
I HOPE THIS WORKS.
IF SOMEBODY RECOGNIZES ME
IN THIS OUTFIT I AM A DEAD MAN.
YOU ARE A DEAD MAN
ALREADY, REMEMBER?
WELL, I DO NOT WISH
TO MAKE A HABIT OF IT.
( phone ringing )
HELLO--
MAMMA!
WHAT?
OH DEAR.
YES, WELL,
WHERE ARE YOU?
WELL, GET A TAXI.
WE HAVE TO GO OUT,
BUT I WILL LEAVE A NOTE
FOR YOU ON THE BAR.
BAD NOSE?
SOME GOOD,
SOME BAD.
THE GOOD NEWS IS
MAMMA IS BACK
FROM PARIS.
SHE IS AT
THE STATION NOW.
THAT IS THE GOOD NEWS?
AND THE BAD NOSE?
SHE AND MONSIEUR LECLERC
HAVE SPLIT UP.
APPARENTLY, HE LEFT HER
FOR A YOUNGER WOMAN.
HOW YOUNG?
A SPRING CHICKEN OF 75.
MAMMA IS HEARTBROKEN.
BUT SHE HAS BEEN
CONSOLING HERSELF
WITH A RETIRED, ONE-LEGGED
GIGOLO FROM MARSEILLES.
HOW AWFUL TO HAVE TO
SINK TO SUCH DEPTHS.
MAMMA IS BEARING UP
VERY WELL.
I WAS THINKING MORE
OF THE GIGOLO.
THE PROCESSION
IS ABOUT TO BEGIN.
ARE YOU ALL READY?
HAVE I GROWN TALLER
OR HAVE YOU GROWN SHORTER,
OFFICER CRABTREE?
IT IS ME,
YOU OLD FOOL.
RONNIE IS DISGEEZED
AS MOO.
YOU MUST TRY
AND HIDE HIM
IN THE MUSEUM,
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
UNTIL HE CAN
GET TO ENGLAND.
I HAVE JUST THE PLACE.
OH, RENE,
YOUR BERE
AND BOOTS.
PEOPLE FROM ALL OVER FRANCE
WILL FLOCK TO SEE THEM
ON DISPLAY.
I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE HAD
THESE SOLES REPAIRED.
MONSIEUR LECLERC,
YOU ARE BACK!
I HAVE HIKED
ALL THE WAY FROM PARIS.
I THOUGHT YOU HAD RUN OFF
WITH A YOUNGER WOMAN?
I DID,
BUT SHE HAD WHEELS
ON HER WALKING FRAME
AND I COULD NOT
KEEP UP WITH HER.
I KNOW THE FEELING.
IS MADAME FANNY BACK?
EVEN AT THIS MEEMENT
SHE IS ON HER WOO.
OH, I WILL KEEP OUT
OF HER WAY FOR A BIT.
YOU CAN PLAY THE DRUM
AT THE FRONT OF THE PROCESSION.
I'VE LEFT IT OUTSIDE.
NOW COME ON,
WE MUST GO OFF.
YVETTE!
BY THE WAY,
THE POST BOY GAVE ME
THIS NOTE ON THE WAY IN.
- IT IS FOR YOU.
- OH.
THE WRITING
IS VERY FAINT.
OH, THAT IS BETTER.
IT'S AN INVITATION
FROM HERR FLICK.
HE WANTS ME TO HAVE TEA
WITH HIM THIS AFTERNOON.
WHAT!
HE IS AFTER THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA.
HE CAME HERE WHILE
YOU WERE MISSING.
HE TOLD ME
HE WAS REALLY
A BRITISH AGENT.
YOU DID NOT
BELIEVE HIM, I HOPE?
OF COURSE NOT.
NATURALLY,
I WILL NOT ACCEPT
HIS OFFER TO TEA.
ON THE CONTRARY, EDITH,
YOU MUST.
- WHY?
- STRING HIM ALONG,
HE MAY TELL YOU
WHERE HE HAS HIDDEN
THE MISSING BOOBY.
- ( Rene laughs )
- YOU ARE RIGHT!
I WILL USE ALL
MY FEMININE WILES ON HIM.
IT IS AMAZING HOW
THE SIGHT OF STOCKINGS
AND A GLIMPSED SUSPENDER
CAN UNNERVE
THE MOST STRONG MEN.
DO NOT USE
ALL YOUR WILES, EDITH.
YOU DO NOT WANT
TO GIVE HIM A HEART ATTACK.
I AM READY,
MADAME EDITH.
LET US GO,
MY CHILDREN.
OH, I HAVE FORGOT
THE NOTE FOR MAMMA.
OFFICER CRABTREE,
THERE IS SOME HOT SOUP
ON THE STOVE IN THE KITCHEN.
WOULD YOU BE KIND ENOUGH
TO PUT SOME IN A THERMOS
AND TAKE IT UPSTAIRS
TO THE ATTIC FOR MAMMA?
NO PRIBLEM.
LEAVE IT TO MOO.
( drum thumping )
GET BICK THERE.
GET BICK.
MAKE WOO FOR THE PROCISSION.
( drumming continues )
Rene:
STAND ASOOD.
STAND ASOOD.
HM, THAT LOOKS CIMFY.
I THINK I'LL LOO DOWN
AND HAVE FARTY WONKS.
( drumming )
Alphonse:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
MONSIEUR LECLOCK,
YOU CAN STOP BONGING
THE DRIM NOO.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WE HAVE GATHERED HERE
TO PAY OUR LAST RESPECTS
TO RENE ARTOIS.
OR WHAT IS LEFT OF HIM.
THIS CAP AND THESE BOOTS
ARE ALL WE HAVE
TO REMEMBER HIM BY.
THEY WILL BE DISPLAYED
IN THE MUSEUM
SO THAT WE NEVER FORGET
WHAT A TRUE HERO HE WAS.
THERE WILL NOW BE
A COLLECTION
TO PAY
FOR THE DISPLAY CASE.
PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY.
- OFFICER--
- HUH?
PERHAPS YOU WOULD GO ROUND
AND COLLECT THE MONEY?
WHAT WITH?
HERE, TAKE THIS.
NEIN!
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO CONTRIBOTE
TO THE COLLOCTION
FOR A BROOVE MIN?
NO CHANCE. HE WAS
NO FRIEND OF MINE.
A REAL SHIFTY CHARACTER
HE WAS.
HE OWED ME MONEY, TOO.
HOW DEER YOU SPEAK BIDLY
OF THE DOOD?
- HE WATERED HIS WINE.
- AND SHORTCHANGED US.
( spits )
DO NOT SPOT IN THE STROOT,
OR YOU'LL GET
A BING ON THE NIT
WITH MY TRONCHEON.
HE STILL OWES ME
FOR HIS TRUSS.
BE ABOUT YOUR BOSNESS,
YOU ILL-MINNERED PISANTS.
RENNIE ARTOIS
SHOULD BE REMOMBERED
AS A MIN WITH
A WINDERFUL PISSED.
WE MUST CONTRIBUTE,
COLONEL.
RENE WAS A DEAR FRIEND.
DEARER TO YOU
THAN TO ME.
I THINK WE SHOULD
ASK MADAME EDITH
IF SHE'S FOUND
THE PAINTING YET.
PLEASE, COLONEL,
THIS IS NOT THE TIME.
COOEY, OFFICER,
OVER HERE.
OH MY GID.
HE HAS NOT SEEN US.
LET US GO TO HIM.
HERE YOU ARE, OFFICER.
THINK YOU,
LIEUTENANT GREEBER.
I HAVE VERY FOND
MEMORIES OF RENE.
MAY I TOUCH HIS CAP?
IF YOU WASH.
I KNEW HE WAS A BIG MAN,
BUT I HAD NO IDEA
HE WAS A SIZE EIGHT.
HE HAD SUCH GREASY HAIR.
THANK YOU FOR
YOUR GINEROSITY.
I MUST BE ON MY WOO.
YOU KNOW, COLONEL,
I COULD SWEAR
THAT POLICEMAN
HAS GOT
BETTER LOOKING.
THAT WAS A CLOSE SHAVE.
I THINK MY DISGUISE
FOOLED THE LIEUTENANT.
HOW MUCH MONEY
DID YOU COLLECT?
50 FRANCS
AND A BENT
POLISH ZLOTY.
SKINFLINTS.
LET US GET
OUT OF HERE
BEFORE SOMEBODY
RECOGNIZES ME.
MONSIEUR LECLOCK,
YOU CAN START
BONGING AGAIN.
DOUBLE QUACK TOOM.
AH,
IT IS GOOD TO BE
BACK AT THE CAFE.
NOW, WHERE IS EDITH'S NOTE?
AH.
"WELCOME HOME, MAMMA."
OH.
"I HAVE LEFT YOU SOMETHING
UP IN YOUR BEDROOM
TO WARM YOU UP."
SUCH A KIND,
THOUGHTFUL DAUGHTER.
( snoring )
MADAME FINNY!
OOOH!
SO THIS IS WHAT
EDITH MEANT,
A GIGOLO!
MOVE OVER,
IT IS PARTY TIME.
NOT ON YOUR NELLY.
OH.
THEY DO NOT MAKE THEM
LIKE THEY USED TO.
I WILL TAKE THESE BACK
TO OFFICER CRABTREE.
HE MUST BE CHILLY
IN HIS UNDERWEAR.
BUT WHAT ABOUT
HIS TROUSERS?
I AM KEEPING THESE.
I AM NOT WAITING HERE
IN MY LONGJOHNS.
I WILL GET YOU
SOME MORE CLOTHES
FROM MY MORTUARY.
I'M SORRY I AM LATE,
MY SUSPENDERS BURST.
MY STOCKINGS ARE HELD UP
WITH CORN PLASTERS.
YOU ARE JUST IN TIME
TO SAY GOODBYE.
WELL, GOODBYE,
MONSIEUR LECLERC.
GOODBYE, RENE.
GOOD LUCK.
( girls wailing )
GIRLS, PLEASE.
DO NOT UPSET YOURSELVES.
GOODBYE, YVETTE.
GOODBYE, RENE.
I WILL MISS YOU.
MIMI.
I WILL THINK OF YOU
WHILE YOU ARE AWAY.
( clears throat )
GOODBYE, EDITH.
NOW, OFF YOU ALL GO.
YOU STILL HAVE
A CAFE TO RUN,
YOU KNOW.
( girls wailing )
- GOODBYE, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
- GOODBYE, MONSIEUR.
WE WILL GIVE
YOUR BERET AND BOOTS
A FINE DISPLAY HERE.
WHERE IS THIS
HIDING PLACE FOR ME?
AH, THROUGH THAT DOOR.
YOU'LL BE QUITE
SAFE THERE.
OH, I MUST GET A KEY
FROM THE CURATOR.
AND DO NOT FORGET
MY NEW CLOTHES.
YOUR NEW CLOTHES,
OF COURSE!
SO MUCH FOR A FINE DISPLAY.
( shouting )
IT WILL BE GOOD TO PAY
OUR LAST RESPECTS TO RENE
IN THE PRIVACY
OF THE MUSEUM, COLONEL.
THERE WERE
TOO MANY PEOPLE
IN THE SQUARE.
THIS TANK IS JERKING AROUND
A LOT, GRUBER!
ARE YOU SURE YOU FITTED
THE NEW PISTON PROPERLY?
IT JUST NEEDS
RUNNING IN,
COLONEL.
WE ARE OFF
FOR A NICE SPIN
IN THE COUNTRYSIDE
THIS AFTERNOON,
AREN'T WE, HUBERT?
IT'S A TANK, GRUBER,
NOT A PET!
YOU MUST TREAT THEM
WITH AFFECTION, COLONEL.
A LITTLE TANK LIKE THIS
NEEDS COAXING.
IT NEEDS A GOOD KICK
UP THE EXHAUST!
NOW YOU'VE UPSET HIM,
COLONEL.
HERE ARE
SOME MORE CLOTHES.
WHAT ABOUT
THE CLEANING WOMAN?
OH NO.
SHE IS DEAF AS A POST
AND SHORTSIGHTED.
SHE WILL NOT BOTHER US.
TRY THESE TROUSERS
FOR SIZE.
( distant voices )
I CAN HEAR
SOMEBODY COMING.
OH, NO.
OH, MY DICKY TICKER.
WHO IS IT?
IT IS THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
OH MY GOD!
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
THEY MUST NOT
FIND ME HERE.
MONSIEUR,
YOU MUST HIDE.
LOOK. COME HERE,
PRETEND YOU ARE A MODEL.
- WHAT!
- MMM, LIKE THAT.
AH!
HOW DO YOU DO,
OFFICERS?
WE HAVE COME TO PAY
OUR LAST RESPECTS
TO RENE.
WHERE ARE HIS BOOTS
AND BERET?
THEY ARE NOT
ON DISPLAY YET.
PLEASE COME BACK
NEXT WEEK.
OH DEAR.
I WAS SO LOOKING FORWARD
TO SPENDING SOME TIME
ALONE WITH THEM.
WHAT A FASCINATING PLACE
THIS IS.
WHAT IS THIS?
THAT IS A REPLICA
OF THE TOWN GUILLOTINE.
UGH, HOW GHOULISH.
AND THESE WAXWORKS?
THEY ARE ALL FIGURES
OF PEOPLE FAMOUS
IN FRENCH HISTORY
WHO HAD CONNECTIONS
WITH NOUVION.
WHO IS THIS?
THAT IS ANTHRAX
THE GAUL.
A LOCAL CHIEFTAIN.
AND THIS,
IF YOU WALK THIS WAY,
IS LOUIS XIV's
SISTER'S SECOND COUSIN.
AND THIS HERE
IS A LOCAL TART
WHO HAD IT OFF
WITH NAPOLEON.
AND WHO IS THIS
UNDER THE CLOTH?
OH, NO, PLEASE,
DON'T TOUCH,
MONSIEUR--
IT IS RENE!
YOU HAVE MADE
A WAXWORK OF RENE!
I THOUGHT HE WAS
TO HAVE A STATUE.
I ALWAYS MAKE
A WAXWORK FIGURE
AS A GUIDELINE
TO THE STATUE.
VERY REALISTIC.
WHAT A FINE,
HANDSOME FELLOW
HE WAS.
HE SEEMS POSITIVELY
TO GLOW WITH LIFE.
THAT IS BECAUSE HE IS
NOT QUITE SET.
YOU'RE RIGHT,
THE WAX IS STILL WARM.
PLEASE DON'T
TOUCH IT, MONSIEUR.
IT IS VERY DELICATE.
PERHAPS TOMORROW
HE WILL BE FIRMER.
IS IT CUSTOMARY TO MODEL
A HERO LIKE RENE
WITHOUT HIS TROUSERS?
AH!
I WAS JUST
GETTING HIM
DRESSED.
OH, PLEASE LET ME
HELP YOU.
NO, NO, NO--
NO NEED, MONSIEUR.
( scoffs )
THAT'S FUNNY.
I COULD HAVE SWORN
HIS HAND WAS DOWN
NEAR HIS CHEST.
( chuckles )
NO, MONSIEUR,
YOU'RE QUITE MISTAKEN,
A TRICK OF THE LIGHT.
NOW PLEASE GO.
THE MUSEUM MUST CLOSE.
( sneezes )
BLESS YOU.
( coins rattling )
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT,
MONSIEUR?
I HAVE JUST LOST
ALL MY LOOSE CHANGE.
HOW UNFORTUNATE.
I COULD HAVE LOST
AN AWFUL LOT MORE.
I PRESUME MASSAGING
MY MANLY SHOULDERS
IS DRIVING YOU
WILD WITH EXCITEMENT, HELGA.
NO.
IN THAT CASE
YOU WILL STOP.
I AM EXPECTING MADAME EDITH
FROM THE CAFE AT ANY MOMENT.
YOU DO NOT USUALLY
ENTERTAIN PEASANTS,
HERR FLICK.
SHE IS GOING TO REVEAL TO US
THE WHEREABOUTS
OF THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA.
ARE YOU SURE SHE WILL TELL YOU
WHERE THE PAINTING IS?
SHE WILL NOT BE ABLE
TO PREVENT HERSELF.
IN THIS TEAPOT
IS A POWERFUL
NEW TRUTH SERUM
EXTRACTED FROM
THE GIANT PERUVIAN
PORCUPINE
AT THE HEIGHT
OF THE MATING SEASON.
IT MUST MAKE THE PORCUPINES
VERY NERVOUS
WITH GESTAPO AGENTS
CRAWLING ABOUT IN THE GRASS
WAITING FOR THE MATING.
NOT HALF AS NERVOUS
AS IT MAKES THE AGENTS.
( knock on door )
IT IS HER.
YOU MUST LEAVE.
I WILL LET HER IN
ON MY WAY OUT.
HEIL PEASANT!
GOOD AFTERNOON,
HERR FLICK.
PLEASE SIT DOWN.
WOULD YOU LIKE
A CUP OF TEA, MY DEAR?
OH, THANK YOU.
MMM!
IT'S DELICIOUS.
CAMOMILE?
NO, PERUVIAN PORCUPINE.
IN FACT,
A POTENT TRUTH SERUM.
ANY MOMENT NOW
YOU WILL GO INTO A TRANCE
AND TELL ME EVERYTHING
I WISH TO KNOW.
SURELY YOU ARE PULLING--
YOU WILL TAKE NOTES,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
WHERE IS THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA?
I THINK IT IS IN THE DRAWER
IN THE BACK ROOM.
AHA!
ALTHOUGH IT COULD BE
INSIDE THE CUCKOO CLOCK,
OR UPSTAIRS UNDER THE BED,
OR IN THE WARDROBE
IN THE SPARE ROOM.
ON THE OTHER HAND,
IT COULD BE
BEHIND THE HENHOUSE,
IN THE PANTRY,
BEHIND THE BAR
OR HIDDEN IN THE LID
OF THE PIANO.
BUT I AM ONLY GUESSING.
THE SERUM
IS NOT WORKING.
IT MUST HAVE BEEN
A VERY OLD PORCUPINE
WITH A BAD MEMORY.
YOU WILL COME OUT
OF YOUR TRANCE
AND REMEMBER NOTHING
OF THIS CONVERSATION.
WHAT CONVERSATION?
THERE MAY, HOWEVER,
BE SIDE EFFECTS.
THE SERUM
OF THE PERUVIAN PORCUPINE
IS NOT ABSOLUTELY
FOOLPROOF.
WHEN WILL THESE
SIDE EFFECTS BEGIN?
ANY SECOND
NOW.
FILL ME UP AGAIN.
YOU ARE DRINKING
RATHER A LOT.
IT IS DUTCH COURAGE.
I AM ABOUT TO GO UPSTAIRS
TO MAKE IT UP WITH FANNY.
IS THIS WISE?
SHE WAS IN A FOUL
TEMPER EARLIER.
I HAVE TO DO IT SOME TIME.
AND SHE IS
A VERY FORGIVING WOMAN.
FANNY, DARLING,
I AM COMING UPSTAIRS NOW.
Fanny:
GET OUT, YOU TWO-TIMING RAT.
- ( pots rattling )
- YOU LECHER--
ON SECOND THOUGHTS,
PERHAPS I WILL STAY
DOWN FOR THE TIME BEING.
MONSIEUR,
YOU MUST HURRY,
SOMEONE IS COMING.
OH MY GOD.
YOU MUST HIDE,
MONSIEUR.
NO, I AM NOT GOING TO BE
A WAXWORK DUMMY AGAIN.
LOOK, REST
YOUR HEAD DOWN HERE.
WHAT?!
PRETEND
YOU ARE A MODEL.
I AM NOT PUTTING MY HEAD
UNDER THE GUILLOTINE.
LOOK, IT IS JUST
A CHEAP REPLICA.
IT DOES NOT WORK.
QUICKLY.
GOOD MOANING.
OH, IT IS YOU,
OFFICER CRABTREE.
WHERE IS RONNIE?
I AM HERE.
OH MY GOD, I THOUGH
YOU SAID IT DID NOT WORK?
SO I MADE A MISTAKE.
I WANT MY TROOSERS BICK.
THESE ARE VERY TI
AROUND THE CRITCH.
WHERE ON EARTH
DID YOU GET THEM?
I BORROWED THEM
FROM ONE OF MY STIFFS.
JUST SWAP THEM OVER.
ALL RIGHT.
BY THE WOO,
I HAVE A MASSAGE
FROM MICHELLE.
AND WHAT IS THE MASSAGE?
THE EARCRAFT
FOR ONGLAND
IS DELOOD FOR A WICK.
OH, NO, I AM NOT
WAITING HERE A WEEK.
I AM GOING TO GO BACK
TO THE CAFE.
BUT YOU CANNOT,
RONNIE.
YOU ARE SUPPISSED
TO BE DOD.
I AM DOD NO LONGER.
HOW WILL YOU EXPLAIN
YOUR ABSENCE
ALL THIS TIME,
MONSIEUR?
I WILL SAY
I LOST MY MEMORY
AFTER THE EXPLOSION
AT THE WINDMILL.
I HAVE BEEN WANDERING AROUND
THE COUNTRYSIDE EVER SINCE.
HERE, YOU TAKE THESE.
IT WILL BE MORE
CONVINCING
IF I SAY THAT I LOST MY CLOTHES
AFTER THE BIG BANG.
I WILL TURN MYSELF IN
TO THE FIRST GERMANS I SEE.
I HAVE
A BITTER PLAN.
GO TO THE JONKTION
OUTSOD THE TOON,
AND I WILL FOND YOU
ON MY BURCYCLE.
YOU ARE FULL
OF PLANS TODAY.
MY BROON IS GOING
LIKE THE CLIPPERS.
I WILL MEET YOU
AT THE JONKTION
AT HALF
PISSED SOCKS.
MY GOODNESS!
SURELY, IT CAN'T BE!
RENE!
RENE, I DO NOT BELIEVE IT.
YOU ARE ALIVE.
DO I KNOW YOU?
IT IS I,
LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
WHAT IS THE MATTER?
DO YOU NOT REMEMBER ME?
I REMEMBER NOTHING
EXCEPT A BIG BANG.
OH, RENE, I SEE
WHAT HAS HAPPENED.
IN THAT TERRIBLE EXPLOSION
AT THE WINDMILL,
YOU LOST YOUR MEMORY.
MEMORY, THAT IS RIGHT, YES.
I HAVE LOST MY--
MY-- WHAT WAS THAT WORD?
MEMORY.
MEMORY.
GET INTO MY LITTLE TANK.
I WILL TAKE YOU BACK
TO MY QUARTERS,
GET YOU OUT
OF THOSE FILTHY CLOTHES,
AND GIVE YOU
A NICE, HOT, RELAXING BATH.
SUDDENLY I HAVE
RECOVERED MY MEMORY.
WHAT A MIRACLE.
THANK YOU, LIEUTENANT,
BUT IF IT IS ALL
THE SAME TO YOU,
I WILL-- I WILL WALK HOME.
OH, NO, RENE.
- I REMEMBER THE WAY.
- I WILL GIVE YOU A LIFT.
CLARENCE, FOLLOW THAT MAN.
NOW, LIEUTENANT,
I REALLY DO REMEMBER
THE WAY HOME.
NO, NO, RENE,
GET INTO THE BACK
OF THE TANK.
PLEASE, NO,
PLEASE, LIEUTENANT,
I KNOW THE WAY.
I HAVE A LOVELY BOTTLE
OF ARMAGNAC BACK
AT MY QUARTERS.
PLEASE, I BEG YOU.
I BEG YOU.