'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s09e04 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
THE STRAIN
OF THIS TERRIBLE WAR
IS GETTING WORSE.
I HAVE BEEN PRESUMED DEAD,
BLOWN UP IN A WINDMILL,
TAKEN PRISONER
AS A LOVE SLAVE
BY THE COMMUNIST
RESISTANCE,
SHOT IN THE BUM
BY A HUNTER,
AND, WHILE POSING
AS A WAXWORK
AT THE TOWN MUSEUM,
TOUCHED UP
BY LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
THE GERMANS NOW KNOW
THAT I AM ALIVE
AND I HAVE EXPLAINED
MY ABSENCE
BY TELLING THEM
THAT AFTER THE EXPLOSION
AT THE WINDMILL,
I TEMPORARILY
LOST MY MEMORY.
I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU
SOMETHING ELSE,
BUT I'VE FORGOTTEN
WHAT IT IS.
NEVER MIND,
I WILL THINK OF IT LATER.
- OH, RENE.
- OH, YVETTE.
AT LAST WE ARE ALONE.
HOLD ME, KISS ME.
OH, IT SEEMS
SO VERY LONG.
WHAT DOES?
SINCE WE LAST HAD TIME
FOR EACH OTHER.
OH, WITHOUT YOU
MY LIFE IS SO EMPTY.
I WILL DO MY VERY BEST
TO FILL YOUR EMPTINESS.
GOOD, LET US GO BEHIND
THE HENHOUSE AT ONCE.
NO, NO, NO,
PATIENCE, YVETTE.
THE TIME NOW
IS NOT RIGHT.
BUT I WILL
MEET YOU TONIGHT
UPSTAIRS
IN THE BROOM CUPBOARD
WHEN THE CLOCK
STRIKES 12:00.
OH RENE,
UNTIL THEN,
EVERY SECOND WILL
SEEM LIKE A DAY,
EVERY MINUTE WILL
SEEM LIKE A YEAR.
AT THAT RATE,
BY MIDNIGHT YOU WILL BE
WELL OVER 102.
HA HA!
OH, RENE.
( kissing sounds )
RENE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THAT SERVING GIRL
IN YOUR ARMS?
YOU STUPID WOMAN.
- CAN YOU NOT SEE--
- STOP!
FOR A CHANGE,
I WOULD LIKE HER TO EXPLAIN.
ME?
OH, WELL
I WAS CROSSING THE ROOM
WHEN I--
OH YES,
I-- I FELL OVER THIS
LEG OF THE CHAIR,
AND I WOULD HAVE FALLEN
IF RENE HAD NOT CAUGHT ME
IN HIS STRONG ARMS.
NO, NO, MY DEAR,
SWEET CHILD,
YOU MUST NOT
LIE FOR ME.
I DID NOT WANT
TO TELL YOU THIS,
BUT I HAVE HAD
A MINOR SPASM.
NOT A SPASM!
IT HAS PASSED,
AND WILL NOT
BE MENTIONED AGAIN.
SUFFICE TO SAY
THAT I MUST
MAKE THE MOST
OF MY TIME
LEFT TO ME HERE.
OH, SIT DOWN, RENE.
HUH?
OH, YES.
I AM SO SORRY.
I ALWAYS FORGET
HOW FRAIL YOU ARE,
AND AM ONLY REMINDED
WHEN YOU COME TO BED.
I FORGIVE YOU,
EDITH.
BUT PLEASE, PLEASE,
DO NOT JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS
IN FUTURE.
NOW, YVETTE,
YOU GO AND LIE DOWN,
AND GET OVER THE SHOCK.
YES, RENE.
ARE YOU SURE
YOU ARE ALL RIGHT, RENE?
SINCE YOU OFFICIALLY
CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD,
YOU HAVE BEEN BEHAVING
RATHER STRANGELY.
WELL, I HAVE HAD
A TRAUMATIC FEW DAYS.
RENE!
AND I THINK THEY ARE GOING
TO GET EVEN MORE TRAUMATIC.
I MUST SPEAK
WITH YOU, URGENTLY.
LISTEN
VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.
ACTING
ON INFORMATION
RECEIVED FROM
BRITISH INTELLIGENCE,
MY GIRLS AND I HAVE
MANAGED TO OBTAIN
TOP SECRET GERMAN PLANS
FOR THE DEFENSE OF FRANCE,
WHEN THE ALLIES INVADE.
HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT?!
WE WAYLAID THE COURIER
FROM BERLIN,
AND WHILE MY GIRLS
KEPT HIM BUSY IN A HAYSTACK,
I PHOTOGRAPHED THE PLANS
IN HIS BRIEFCASE.
I HAVE
THE MICROFILM HERE.
A COUP LIKE THIS
COULD TURN THE TIDE.
I KNOW.
NOW, WE MUST SEND
THE MICROFILM
BY CARRIER PIGEON
TO ENGLAND.
BUT FIRST WE MUST
RADIO TO LONDON.
OH, CAN IT NOT
WAIT TILL LATER?
OH, BUT WHAT COULD BE
MORE IMPORTANT THAN THIS?
WELL, IT IS JUST THAT
MAMMA AND MONSIEUR LECLERC
HAVE ONLY JUST MADE IT UP
AFTER THEIR ROW.
I DID NOT WANT
TO DISTURB THEM,
THEY ARE LIKE
A PAIR OF LOVEBIRDS.
Fanny:
GET OUT,
YOU TWO-TIMING RAT!
LOVEBIRDS?
MORE LIKE FIGHTING COCKS.
LET US GET UP THERE
BEFORE THEY
DEMOLISH THE ATTIC.
GET OUT!
STOP THAT,
YOU SILLY OLD BAT.
OH, MAMMA,
WHAT IS HAPPENING?
ASK HIM,
THE UNFAITHFUL WRETCH.
HE HAS CHEATED
ON ME AGAIN.
I FOUND THIS LETTER
IN HIS SUITCASE.
LISTEN.
"MY LIPS BURN FOR YOURS.
I CANNOT WAIT FOR YOU
TO SWING ONCE MORE
FROM THE CHANDELIER,
DRESSED ONLY IN
YOUR TOP HAT AND SOCKS."
I CANNOT READ THE SIGNATURE.
WHAT SORT OF MAN ARE YOU?
CERTAINLY NOT SHY.
I AM THE SORT THAT
GOT THE LETTER IN 1927.
HE ADMITS IT,
THE LECHER.
AND WHAT SORT OF WOMAN
WOULD WRITE SUCH THINGS?
MAMMA,
THIS IS
YOUR SIGNATURE.
THAT IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN
TRYING TO TELL HER.
OH, SO YOU WERE THE ONE.
I STILL HAVE THE TOPPER,
AND THE SOCKS.
FAT LOT OF GOOD THAT IS,
WE HAVE NO CHANDELIER.
WE CANNOT WASTE
TIME LIKE THIS.
MONSIEUR LECLERC,
GO AND GET ONE
OF THE HOMING PIGEONS
FROM RENE'S HENHOUSE,
AND MEET US IN THE SQUARE.
NOW WE MUST
RADIO TO LONDON.
AARGHH! THE KNOBS,
THE FLASHING KNOBS!
SHUT UP.
'ALLO, LONDON,
THIS IS BLUE TIT CALLING.
OVER.
What is your message?
Over.
WE HAVE THE PLANS
YOU ASKED FOR.
WE ARE SENDING THEM
BY HOMING PIGEON IMMEDIATELY.
OVER.
Well done, Blue Tit.
And here is
a personal message,
recorded last night,
by Mr. Churchill
for Nighthawk,
hero of the resistance.
THESE WORDS COULD
GO DOWN IN HISTORY.
Churchill:
Well done, Ronald.
RONALD?
GOOD MOANING.
GOOD MOANING.
WHAT ARE YOU DEEING
WITH THAT PODGEON?
WE ARE SENDING VITAL
INFORMATION TO LONDON.
THAT IS A ROSKY BOSNESS.
I WILL STAND
LEAKOUT FOR YOU,
IN CASE YOU ARE SPITTED
BY THE NITZIS.
THE PIGEON IS READY.
FLY BRAVELY
AND SWIFTLY,
MY LITTLE PIGEON.
WHY ARE YOU TALKING
TO THE PIGEON, EDITH?
HE CANNOT
UNDERSTAND YOU.
HE WILL SENSE
THE ENCOURAGEMENT IN MY VOICE.
ARE THERE
ANY GERMANS ABOUT?
NOT A NITZI
IN SUIT.
WE ARE READY
TO LUNCH.
THEN GOODBYE, PIGEON.
Edith:
THERE HE GOES.
STRAIGHT FOR ENGLAND.
THAT IS NOT
THE WAY TO ENGLAND.
HE SEEMS
TO BE CIRCLING.
AND COMING BACK
TOWARDS US.
HE DOES NOT APPEAR
TO WINT TO GOO
TO ONGLAND.
PERHAPS YOU COULD SHOW
THIS STUPID BIRD A MAP.
WE WILL TRY AGAIN.
DRAT.
WHICH HOMING PIGEON
DID YOU GET
FROM THE HENHOUSE?
THE ONE THAT LIVES
IN NOUVION.
YOU SILLY OLD FOOL.
HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET
THE DEFENSE PLANS TO LONDON NOW?
THERE SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN
AN ALMIGHTY KICK-UP.
THIS WEEK IS
THE ANNUAL FISHMONGER'S
PARADE TO THE COAST.
WE WILL ENTER A FLOAT,
TO WHICH MY GIRLS
WILL ATTACH PROPELLERS
AND ENGINES.
AND IF WE SUCCEED,
CHURCHILL
WILL JUMP FOR JOY.
NO DOUBT CAUSING
A RUSH OF TRUSSMAKERS
TO NUMBER 10 DOWNING STREET.
WE WILL TRY THE PIGEON
ONE MORE TIME.
OH, NO WONDER
IT WILL NOT LEAVE.
IT HAS A BABY.
NOW YOU KNOW WHY
I NEVER WANTED CHILDREN.
THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER
ARE HERE, GENERAL!
SEND THEM IN.
YES, GENERAL.
THE GENERAL WILL
SEE YOU NOW!
HEIL HITLER.
HEIL HITLER.
SIT DOWN.
I WILL NOT BEAT
ABOUT THE BUSH.
THE WAR IS GOING
VERY BADLY.
CERTAIN GENERALS
ARE BLAMING HITLER,
AND PLOTTING
TO ASSASSINATE HIM.
DISGRACEFUL!
WHO WOULD DO
SUCH A THING?
I WOULD.
AH, WELL, THAT DOES PUT
A DIFFERENT COMPLEXION
ON THE MATTER.
IT IS A RELIEF TO KNOW
THAT I CAN TRUST YOU.
FOR YOU ARE GOING TO HELP ME
IN THE ASSASSINATION.
PERHAPS I COULD BE EXCUSED?
I'M A MARRIED MAN.
IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG,
YOU WILL HAVE A PROUD WIDOW
TO WHOM I SHALL WRITE.
AND IF ANYTHING HAPPENS
TO YOU, GRUBER?
I SHOULD LIKE
TO BE BURIED WITH HUBERT.
WHICH REGIMENT
IS HE IN?
HE IS MY LITTLE TANK.
OH, YES, OF COURSE.
NOW, I INTEND
TO DELIVER THE PORTRAIT
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES
TO THE FUHRER IN A FRAME
PACKED WITH EXPLOSIVES.
WHEN HITLER EXAMINES
THE PICTURE,
HE WILL BE BLOWN TO BITS.
BUT WE DO NOT HAVE
THE PAINTING, GENERAL.
WE WILL HAVE
A FORGERY MADE.
I HAVE BEEN EXAMINING
THE LOCAL POLICE RECORDS
AND IT SEEMS THAT
THE OLD MAN AT THE CAFE,
ERNEST LECLERC,
IS A CONVICTED FORGER.
I HAVE SENT FOR HIM.
HE WILL MAKE
A COPY FOR US.
BUT, GENERAL,
HE HAS NOTHING TO COPY.
I HAVE HERE,
A PHOTOGRAPH OF YOU
HOLDING THE PAINTING, GRUBER.
AS A FURTHER HELP,
I'VE ARRANGED
WITH PRIVATE HELGA GEERHART,
TO POSE AS
THE FALLEN MADONNA FOR US.
GENERAL, IT IS
AN INGENIOUS PLAN,
BUT HOW CAN YOU ENSURE
IT IS THE FUHRER
WHO IS BLOWN UP?
SOMEONE WILL HAVE
TO BE PRESENT
TO DETONATE THE FRAME
WHEN HITLER RECEIVES IT.
WILL THEY NOT
BE KILLED TOO?
THERE IS THAT RISK.
BUT WHOEVER SUCCEEDS
WILL HAVE ALMOST EVERY MAN
IN THE GERMAN ARMY
BEHIND HIM.
QUITE A PROSPECT.
THIS IS
THE FLOAT WE USED
THE LAST TIME
NOUVION WON
THE ANNUAL FISHMONGER'S
PARADE TO THE COAST.
INCREDIBLE HOW,
AFTER ALL THIS TIME,
THE PONG OF SUCCESS
STILL LINGERS.
I HAD TO DRESS
AS A LUMPFISH,
I REMEMBER IT WELL.
I WAS ONLY 16.
AND TO THINK,
I WAVED THIS
PARADE FLOAT FAREWELL,
NEVER KNOWING
THAT MY WIFE-TO-BE
WAS THE SMALL LUMPYFISH
IN THE BACK.
I DO NOT KNOW IF I CAN
STILL GET INTO THE COSTUME.
DO NOT WORRY,
THERE IS PLENTY
TO CHOOSE FROM.
THEY ARE HERE
IN THIS BOX.
RENE, YOU CAN BE
NEPTUNE ON HIS THRONE.
AND SOMEONE--
WILL HAVE TO BE
VENUS UNADORNED
RISING FROM THE SEA
IN THIS GIANT CLAM.
THERE IS ONLY
ONE WOMAN IN NOUVION
WHO HAS
THE RIGHT QUALITIES
TO ACT THE PART
OF VENUS.
OH, I AM SORRY,
BUT UNADORNED I WOULD HAVE
NOWHERE TO HIDE A GUN.
I MEANT MADAME EDITH.
OH, THANK YOU,
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
I ACCEPT.
OF COURSE, I SHALL HAVE
A PIECE OF CHEESECLOTH
MODESTLY DRAPED.
BUT, EDITH,
VENUS WAS
THE GODDESS
OF BEAUTY.
I KNOW.
AND WHEN I ARISE,
ALMOST UNADORNED,
FROM THE CLAM SHELL,
IT WILL TAKE
THE SPECTATORS' BREATH AWAY.
THE MERE THOUGHT MAKES
MY TICKER GO ALL DICKY.
MADAME EDITH,
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO TRY THE SHELL
FOR SIZE NOW?
OF COURSE.
EXCUSE ME.
MONSIEUR, WOULD YOU
GIVE ME A HAND?
THE SPRING MECHANISM
SEEMS TO HAVE RUSTED.
( metal creaks )
LIE DOWN INSIDE,
MADAME EDITH,
LET US SEE
IF YOU FIT IT.
IT IS JUST LIKE
THE ONES WE SERVE,
ONLY BIGGER.
( metal screeches )
( Edith yells )
I'LL GO AND GET
A TIRE LEVER.
LET ME OUT!
HANG ON, VENUS.
THE FORGERY
IS GOING NICELY.
I MUST SAY, HELGA,
YOU'RE VERY CONVINCING
AS THE FALLEN MADONNA.
HAVE YOU
DONE IT BEFORE?
NO, GENERAL.
BUT I DID ONCE PLAY
THE VIRGIN MARY
IN A SCHOOL NATIVITY PLAY.
SOMEHOW I DON'T THINK
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
QUITE SO CONVINCING.
TOUCH MORE PINK THERE,
MONSIEUR LECLERC.
THE FACE AND DRESS
ARE VERY REALISTIC,
BUT WHAT'S THAT
BIG BLANK SPACE
IN THE MIDDLE?
I DO NOT WISH TO DISCOMFORT
PRIVATE GEERHART
ANY MORE THAN
IS NECESSARY.
SHE WILL UNCOVER
FOR A SHORT TIME,
ONLY FOR THE PAINTING
OF THE BOOBIES.
THANK YOU, GENERAL.
IT IS RATHER EMBARRASSING
WITH YOU ALL WATCHING.
DO NOT WORRY, HELGA.
WE ARE NOT THE SLIGHTES
BIT INTERESTED
IN THE PAINTING
OF PRIVATES.
I AM READY NOW
TO DO THE BOOBIES.
VERY WELL.
YOU MAY UNCOVER
YOURSELF BRIEFLY.
PERHAPS YOU WOULD ALL
TURN AWAY FOR A MOMENT.
ALL EXCEPT THE FORGER.
LET US KNOW IF YOU
NEED ANOTHER LOOK.
I THINK ONE
WAS ENOUGH.
THIS IS THE MISSING
LEFT BOOBY
FROM THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA.
WE MUST CASH IT IN
TO ESCAPE TO SOUTH AMERICA.
WE WILL NOT GO FAR
ON ONE BOOBY, HERR FLICK.
THE TWO WAITRESSES
FROM THE CAFE
PLY THEIR TRADE
AS LADIES OF THE NIGHT
UNDERNEATH THE LAMPPOST
IN THE SQUARE.
WE WILL KIDNAP THEM
AND STEAL
THEIR CLOTHES.
THEN USING ONE
OF THEIR KEYS,
WE WILL GAIN ENTRY
TO THE CAFE
AND SEARCH IT.
A BRILLIANT PLAN,
HERR FLICK!
A LONG ONE,
BUT BRILLIANT.
WE WILL TRY ON
SOME SUITABLE WIGS.
I WILL BE THE TALL BRUNETTE
WITH THE GOOD LEGS.
YOU CAN BE THE SHORT ONE
WITH THE BIG BUM.
DO I LOOK LIKE A TART?
NO.
MORE THE RESULT
OF A MATING
BETWEEN A YETI
AND A CHIHUAHUA.
THIS IS THE MARK I
PROTOTYPE OF THE FRAME
THAT WILL BE AROUND
THE PORTRAIT
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WHEN
WE DELIVER IT TO THE FUHRER.
IT LOOKS VERY AUTHENTIC,
GENERAL.
OUR SCIENTISTS ARE
AT THIS MOMENT
WORKING ON A FOOLPROOF WAY
OF DETONATING THE FRAME.
NATURALLY, THEY KNOW
NOTHING OF OUR INTENTIONS.
BUT FOR THE PURPOSES
OF THIS TEST,
I WILL USE
A SIMPLE RADIO BEAM
TO BLOW
THE EXPLOSIVES.
ARE YOU SURE IT IS SAFE
TO DO THIS HERE, GENERAL?
WE DO NOT WANT TO BLOW UP
THE WHOLE CHATEAU.
OH, RELAX, RELAX.
THE SCIENTISTS ASSURE ME
THAT THE EXPLOSION
WILL BE LOCALIZED.
THE DUMMY OF HITLER
WILL BE BLOWN TO PIECES,
BUT EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE ROOM
WILL BE LEFT UNTOUCHED.
STAND BY.
GOODBYE, ADOLF.
HELLO THERE.
MY,
AREN'T YOU
A CUTE ONE?
HOW KIND.
I HAVE NO MONEY, BUT,
I AM YOUNG
AND GOOD LOOKING.
I, TOO,
HAVE NO MONEY,
AND I AM YOUNG
AND BETTER LOOKING,
SO BUZZ OFF!
OH, THE NERVE
OF SOME PEOPLE.
ANYONE WOULD THINK
WE LOOKED CHEAP.
GOOD EVENING, TARTS.
OH, HERR FLICK!
THIS IS A SURPRISE.
HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE A GOOD TIME
WITH A COUPLE OF DEBONAIR
CURB CRAWLERS ABOUT TOWN?
CERTAINLY.
WHERE ARE THEY?
I WAS REFERRING TO
VON SMALLHAUSEN AND MYSELF.
HAVE YOU MONEY?
POTS OF IT.
GET INTO THE CAR.
I WILL GO IN THE BACK
OF THE CAR.
SO I'VE HEARD.
NO, YOU CAN HAVE
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
HE'S MORE YOUR SIZE.
( Yvette giggling )
( gears grind )
THIS IS A STRANGE PLACE
TO BRING US TO.
IS IT YOUR SECRET
HEADQUARTERS, HERR FLICK?
YOU WILL SOON
FIND OUT.
OPEN THE DOOR,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
COME INSIDE,
MY DEARS.
WE HAVE A LITTLE
SURPRISE FOR YOU.
( giggling )
IN OUR LINE OF BUSINESS,
MOST SURPRISES
ARE LITTLE.
ANY MORE PETER LORRE
IMPERSONATIONS,
AND YOU WILL FIND
YOURSELF WORKING
IN THE GESTAPO
HAT FACTORY.
TAKE OFF
YOUR CLOTHES.
WHAT?
HERE?
OF COURSE.
IS THERE NOWHERE MORE PRIVATE,
LIKE A TOOL CABINET?
THIS WILL DO.
BEGIN THE UNDRESSING.
FIRST YOU MUST
PRODUCE THE NECESSARY.
WHAT?
THE MONEY,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
OH, YES, OF COURSE,
THE MONEY.
I'VE NEVER DONE IT
IN A GARAGE BEFORE.
NO, WE COULD GET
VERY DIRTY IN HERE.
Edith:
WHAT KEPT YOU
SO LONG, RENE?
I HAVE GOT THROUGH
10 CHAPTERS
OF "WAR AND PEACE,"
WAITING FOR YOU
TO COME TO BED.
I WAS JUST MAKING MYSELF
A LITTLE SNACK.
GARLIC SAUSAGE
AND PICKLED CUCUMBERS.
IT SEEMS SUCH AGES
SINCE WE HAD
ANY TIME TOGETHER.
I AM A PASSIONATE
WOMAN, RENE,
I HAVE APPETITES THAT
NEED TO BE SATISFIED.
HERE, HAVE A PICKLED CUCUMBER.
SOMETIMES YOU SEEM
SO DISTANT.
TAKE ME
IN YOUR ARMS, RENE,
KISS ME, CUDDLE ME.
I WILL JUST FINISH
MY GARLIC SAUSAGE.
NOW.
WHAT IS THE MATTER,
EDITH?
NOTHING.
I SEEM TO HAVE
GONE OFF THE BOIL.
OH, AND I HAD JUST
GOT UP STEAM.
AH, WELL, PERHAPS
ANOTHER NIGHT.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
QUICKLY,
UNTIE MY HANDS.
WE MUST GET BACK
TO THE CAFE.
THEY EVEN STOLE
OUR HANDBAGS.
WE'VE BEEN PLAYED
FOR SUCKERS.
WHEN HERR FLICK SAID
HE WANTED TO TIE US UP
IN OUR UNDERWEAR,
I DID NOT THINK
HE HAD THIS IN MIND.
( knocking )
QUIET,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
THE DOOR IS LOCKED,
HERR FLICK.
CHECK YOUR HANDBAG.
THOSE GIRLS MUST
HAVE A KEY SOMEWHERE.
HURRY, THESE HEELS
ARE KILLING ME.
I HAVE THE KEY,
HERR FLICK.
AND I HAVE THE TORCH
FROM THE CAR.
LET US GO INSIDE
AND BEGIN OUR SEARCH
FOR THE PAINTING.
LOCK THE DOOR,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
YES, HERR FLICK.
- AND PRODUCE YOUR TORCH.
- YES, HERR FLICK.
WE WILL LOOK
UPSTAIRS FIRST.
IF YOU HAVE
ANY PROBLEMS,
FLASH ME.
WITH YOUR TORCH,
DUNDERHEAD.
I WILL TAKE THE FRONT.
YOU SEARCH THE BACK.
( distant bell tolls )
SOMEONE IS COMING.
WE MUST HIDE.
QUICK.
RENE
NOW WHERE HAS HE GONE--
OH, NO,
NOT ANOTHER SPASM.
I MUST SEE IF
HE IS ALL RIGHT.
NOW FOR YVETTE.
I AM HERE, MY DARLING.
( kissing noises )
- ( slap )
- OW!
RENE!
YOU FAITHLESS SWINE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN THAT BROOM CUPBOARD
WITH THAT TART?
YOU STUPID WOMAN.
CAN YOU NOT SEE
THAT THIS IS--
HERR FLICK
OF THE GESTAPO?
OH, SO IT IS.
OH, I AM SORRY,
HERR FLICK.
BUT I DID NOT
RECOGNIZE YOU
IN A SKIRT AND
FISHNET STOCKINGS.
WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE.
SO SHOULD YOU.
BUT WHAT WERE
YOU DOING
IN THE BROOM
CUPBOARD WITH HIM?
REALLY, EDITH,
IS THAT NOT OBVIOUS?
NO.
WELL IT WAS LIKE THIS,
YOU SEE.
YES?
WELL, I WAS IN BED,
TRYING TO GET OFF TO SLEEP
NEXT TO YOU, MY DARLING,
WHEN I HEARD A NOISE
ON THE LANDING.
THINKING THAT IT
MIGHT BE BURGLARS,
I CAME OUT
TO APPREHEND THEM,
AND HAPPENED
TO FIND HERR FLICK
IN THE BROOM CUPBOARD
DISGUISED AS A TART.
YOU EXPECT
ME TO BELIEVE
THAT EXPLANATION?
ANY OTHER EXPLANATION
WOULD BE UNTHINKABLE.
SILENCE, PEASANTS.
VON SMALLHAUSEN?
YES,
HERR FLICK?
YOU MAY COME OUT NOW.
HERR FLICK, MAY I ASK
WHAT IS GOING ON?
NO.
MAY I ASK?
SHUT UP,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
YOU WILL FIND THE PORTRAIT
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES FOR ME
OR YOU WILL BE SHOT.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
Both:
YES, HERR FLICK.
OTHERWISE, I SHALL BE
IN EVERY CUPBOARD YOU OPEN
UNTIL I FIND IT MYSELF.
COME, VON SMALLHAUSEN.
IT IS LOCKED.
WELL, HOW ARE WE
GOING TO GET INSIDE?
LOOK!
THE WINDOW TO RENE
AND MADAME EDITH'S
ROOM IS OPEN.
I WILL CLIMB IN
AND COME DOWN
AND OPEN THE DOOR.
GIVE ME A LEG UP.
OH, RENE, I THINK I WILL
GO AND GET A GLASS OF WATER
BEFORE WE GO
BACK TO BED.
YES DO THAT,
DEAREST.
I STILL FEEL
VERY SHAKY.
IT WAS A SHOCK TO FIND YOU
IN THE CUPBOARD WITH HERR FLICK.
IT CAME AS SOMETHING
OF A SURPRISE TO ME AS WELL.
YVETTE!
MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
AND WHY ARE YOU DRESSED
AS A CAR MECHANIC?
OH, RENE, I'VE HAD
A TERRIBLE NIGHT.
HOLD ME.
ARE YOU MAD?
EDITH WILL BE BACK HERE
ANY MOMENT.
THAT IS HER NOW.
QUICK, YOU MUST HIDE.
HERE, GET IN THE WARDROBE.
I'M SORRY I MISSED
OUR RENDEZVOUS
IN THE BROOM
CUPBOARD.
YES, SO AM I.
NO, NO, PLEASE.
JUST GET INSIDE, PLEASE.
FOR GOD'S SAKE.
OH MY GOD, LIPSTICK.
EDITH WILL KILL ME.
Edith:
RENE.
OH NO.
RENE, I--
NOW WHERE HAS HE GONE?
OH, I SEE IT ALL NOW.
HE HAS SNEAKED OUT
FOR AN ILLICIT RELATIONSHIP
WITH SOMEONE.
OH, THE VILLAIN.
I WILL CATCH HIM
THIS TIME.
I WILL GET DRESSED,
AND FOLLOW HIM.
AH! RENE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN THE WARDROBE
WITH THAT SERVING GIRL,
WITH LIPSTICK
ALL OVER YOUR FACE?
AND WHY IS SHE DRESSED
AS A CAR MECHANIC?
YOU STUPID WOMAN.
THAT IS THE SECOND TIME
TONIGHT YOU HAVE DONE THIS.
AND WHAT EXPLANATION
HAVE YOU GOT?
I AM NOT MADE
OF EXPLANATIONS.
IN A MARRIAGE,
THERE MUST BE
SOME TRUST.
HE IS RIGHT.
I AM OVERREACTING.
I MUST BE CALM
AND THINK THINGS OUT.
( rattling )
I HAVE THOUGHT THINGS OUT.
YOU
OH, NO!
AAH!
( theme music playing )