Ally Mcbeal s03e19 Episode Script

Do You Wanna Dance?

Ah-ah! Heh, heh! Whoo Ahh! Hi.
-You just had sex! -What? Renee, are you crazy? -Where is he? -There is nobody here.
Ally, your face gets a certain look when you've just had sex.
There is nobody here.
Anybody I know in mind? -Just get out! -Fine.
Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no That, that, that is, uh private.
It's my journal.
-Journal? -Yes.
Turn back a few pages .
back to the time when you and I used to tell each other everything.
I, um I just had computer sex.
-Computer sex? -It was amazing.
We've been e-mailing back and forth for about four months now.
And it's been great.
And you talk sex to get each other ---- Oh, no, no.
It was that, no.
That was the first time.
You're having a relationship on the Internet? Well, there are worse things.
You realize this guy's probably got two heads and a criminal record? No, he doesn't.
Then, why haven't you met him in person? Well, I think that the anonymity of it all makes it a little more exciting, and -plus, I think he's married.
-Ally! Oh, it is just e-mail.
-You just had sex.
-I did not have sex.
I just ---- A fantasy with you is just like the real thing.
You had sex with a married man! I did not have sex! And there's nothing wrong with fantasizing about a married man.
Plus, I don't even know that he's married.
I just think it because he is the one who is resisting meeting me -- I would do it in a second! He's well, he just seems so great.
And when Billy died, he, he was so well, he just knew the right things to say.
-He's a priest! -Oh, he isn't a priest.
-They love to get online! -He's, he's just a guy! He's not just a guy! If this guy's normal and unmarried, then he'd agree to meet you.
You're right.
Okay, I will meet him, then.
I will.
Moving along.
Uh Bender vs.
Uh, Mark, Ally, murder? Sorry, civil case this time.
Jimmy Bender is suing his best friend, Peter Hanks, for emotional distress.
-Wh-wh-what did he do? -Slept with his wife.
He can sue for that? How can he sue for that? Because it caused emotional distress, Richard.
It was his wife.
But you're talking about love; that's based on pain.
You're talking about sex; that can be based on pain sometimes, too.
Ouch, it hurts! Do it again.
Ouch, it hurts! Do it again ---- Richard.
If we can move along, please.
I have a busy day.
Well then, let's by all means speed it up.
Frosty the Snow Girl has plans.
What did you call me? Frosty the Snow Girl -- yes, without the warmth.
You shouldn't get to talk to me like that just because you're senior pipsqueak.
-Ah! I mean partner.
-All right.
This isn't necessary.
Speaking of which, I'd like to be made partner.
I believe I generate most of the business here.
I'd like to be compensated accordingly.
Over my dead body.
Which would still be a few degrees warmer than yours.
You rich, bitch, elitist, ice queen! -You can't talk like that.
-Of course, I can! You heard me.
I didn't even stutter.
John, she is an associate that you had sex with.
-She could sue you for that.
-Oh, let her try! You know what she is, Ally? And I've never used this word describing any woman before.
But with her, it's what she is.
Obviously, you have a little residual hostility here.
And she works for you.
You, you'd better be careful.
She ended it to my buttocks.
I was stuck in an elevator, she looked me right in the ass, and then dumped it! It was cowardly, I agree.
But, but you cannot, cannot, cannnot act out like this.
-It it's, it's against the law.
-Balls the law! We went to high school together, and college.
He was even best man in my wedding.
Turns out he was best man with your wife, I guess, too.
All right.
Do we really need to get cheap and gratuitous about this? Mr.
Albert, keep it about the case.
Bender, you divorced your wife -- that's done.
Why sue this man? He was my best friend.
This is not just about an affair that broke up a marriage.
This is about an affair that happened expressly because he and I were best friends.
-Could you explain that? -Yes.
We moved to Boston because my job brought me here.
Susan's from St.
Louis, she has no friends here.
So, I asked Peter if he could help her get involved in things here.
Um, new friendships, uh, tennis league, anything.
Basically, I asked my best friend to help me look after my wife.
And he certainly did that, didn't he? For two years, he lied to me, he was sleeping with her -- and continuing to present himself as my best friend.
That's betrayal.
Uh, forget about being able to trust another woman.
This has rendered me unable to trust my friends.
¢Ü You see this guy, this guy's in love with you Yes, I'm in love, who looks at you the way I do You've told many people you blame yourself for the demise of the marriage? Yes.
I blame myself for misplacing my trust in someone who I thought was loyal.
Did you tell people you were guilty of neglecting your wife? Which is why I asked Peter to help me look after her.
How many hours a week did you work, sir? I wasn't home a lot.
I admitted that, which again is why I turned to Peter.
In truth, you had stopped being her lover, hadn't you, sir? Well, w-w-we were going through some things.
You'd gone months without kissing her, even.
Your lips never touched hers.
-I-it's him! -The computer guy? I just have this feeling.
I, I swear there was something.
A-and the way he looked at me -- I, I think that he knows it was me.
He you what? -Ally have computer sex with someone.
-Ow! I've been corresponding with a guy on e-mail.
-I've never met him ---- -But they have.
Ouch! He used my e-mail name in two questions.
He got it into the questions.
And, and I just had this feeling that he is the guy.
Why didn't you just ask him? Oh and what if I'm wrong? "I beg your pardon, but did you touch yourself last nightwith me in mind while reading my e-mails?" I'll ask him.
Ow! I'm just going to e-mail him again and, and demand him to meet me, and and then, I'll know for sure.
You promised me I would be considered for partnership in two years.
Well, we have considered you, Nelle.
I, I did the analysis.
I-it didnt work out.
Why not? Well, when we examined the numbers, uh, splitting the pie in half, I get more money than if I split it in threes.
If you examine this graphic here, uh, me and John -- I get half.
Include you -- I get less.
More and less.
You can't ignore the research, Nelle.
Obviously, it means you having to give up some of your piece.
And if I did that, how could I look myself in the mirror or face others? Being generous doesn't earn respect, Nelle.
People may smile and say, "Thank you, " but underneath, they're thinking, "Sap.
" Leaders don't give away money.
You keep as much for yourself as you can.
You try to get more, even when you don't need it.
Giving away money makes you a fool in other people's eyes, especially in the business world.
Yeah, I need to be a good leader, Nelle, not a charitable sap.
I would love to see you get richer, but not at the cost of my own self-respect.
There will be consequences for this, Richard! John, hi! -How's it going? -Well, not bad -- considering I often have to work side by side with revolting people.
One of which I even dated.
Amazing I didn't lose my penis to frostbite.
I know that you're best friends with Ally.
Do you think that she and I could be be a match? -As a couple? -Yeah.
-Do you mind tell me why not? -Well, Mark, with Ally, it's the internals that matter the most, and you have the depth of a bottle cap I apologize, that was cold of me.
That's what can happen when you hang out with a popsicle.
Do you think she'd say no, if I asked her? I-it would be folly for me to speak for Ally McBeal, but, Mark, if you want to go out with her, I'd just ask her.
-What'd he say? -Oh, j-just I'm, I'm waiting.
Just hold on.
-Well, d-d-do you mind? It's private.
-Oh come on.
I'm just ---- -Renee, I ask you to step back! -Fine.
I was just -Loverlips?! -Renee, go away! -That's your name on this -- Loverlips? -Never mind! Ho ho.
Ho ho, wait It's him.
He's agreeing to meet me, we're going to meet tonight! I swear he knows it's me.
-Thunderthighs? -Oh, just go away! Loverlips and Thunderthighs? You're supposed to pick a kind of exotic name.
Okay? Fine.
-Oh, shut up! I suppose I began to fall in love with her.
And at some point, you acted on it? Y-yeah.
Three of us were out at a bar.
There was a piano singer or something.
And Jimmy got a call from work, some emergency, and he had to leave.
So, Susan and I were left alone.
And the singer was singing some song.
¢Ü Do you wanna dance and hold my hand? We talked about this and that.
Who knows what? But the truth, what we were afraid to confront seemed to be getting louder like the telltale heart or something.
Finally, I couldn't take it any longer.
And I asked her to dance.
She said yes.
we got up and went to the dance floor.
And it was it was like we'd either been together our whole lives, or we should have been.
It was a dance that Then, uh I, I don't know if I went to kiss her or she went to kiss me, but suddenly we were kissing right there on the dance floor.
And it was magic.
My god, it was the most tender, magical kiss there could ever be.
Ah Sorry.
Just, just Mmm What do you mean, leave? Well, I've worked out the numbers.
With the clients we have, if we started our own firm, we'd make more money.
I'm rich.
I only go to work to wear my outfits.
If it were just you and me You've already seen my outfits.
Plus, I'd have to talk to clients -- I hate clients.
So, you like working for Matt and Jeff? Yes.
They're fun.
Oh, fun may be but Wouldn't you like to go to work with real lawyers? No!! Well between you and me, uh I think I might leave.
-Maybe I'll join one of the big firms.
-The big firms? Do you know how long it takes to make partner at a big firm? Please.
Between my portables, my hair, the sexual harassment laws, I'll be partner in a month.
-Excuse me.
-Mmm -Oh.
Uh I'm sorry.
-Uh Uh, it's, it's okay.
I, I always, I always, um, forget to pull up when I'm finished.
Let me, um ¢Ü For your love, I would do anything Thank you.
Uh I, I know this might sound like rather a Neanderthal pickup line -but, um ha-have we met before? -Uh, um I don't think so.
It's just y-you were looking at me like, um ¢Ü For your kiss Well, I like to distract opposing counsel.
That's all.
I like to look at them like I just want to tear off their clothes and lick them from head to toe.
And here I was hoping it was genuine.
Well, my tongue is free later.
Ha ha Kidding.
Maybe we could get a coffee.
Uh, I can't today.
I have an appointment after we're done here, but tomorrow? You have an appointment after you're done here? Yeah, a meeting.
Um how about tomorrow night? A meeting? A business meeting? No.
Uh, tomorrow sounds great.
-Great great.
You will take it easy cross-examining my client? Sorry.
I only know one speed.
Okay, so you fell in love.
Why lie to him for two years? Why not tell him? Well, it was a difficult situation.
You're his best friend, Mr.
Hanks, and you continued holding yourself out as his best friend.
And it was that friendship I was afraid of losing.
You're afraid of losing his friendship, but you sleep with his wife? Objection! Gophering! Oh, I apologize, uh, Your Honor.
In America, you call it badgering.
In my country, it's gophering.
-She's gophering the witness, Judge.
I still can't get past the two years of deceit.
-Gophering! -Overruled.
You and Susan, you ever discuss how to keep this affair secret from Mr.
Bender? -Well of course.
You, uh, you made plans.
You, uh, went to great lengths to preserve the lie? -Pope Paul! -Pope Paul? Once again I, I apologize, Your Honor.
In England, in objections to sarcasm, barristers would often say, "He's Winston-Churchilling the witness.
" Over the years, it was shortened to just "church.
" At some point, it morphed into "Pope Paul.
" I don't know why it's rather silly, really.
You really think he's the guy you've been talking to on the computer? He told me that he had a meeting right after court, and he looked right at me.
And the way he said it ---- Don't you think that would be kind of a big coincidence? He used "lover" and "lips" in successive questions.
Did you use the words, "thunder" or "thighs"? Never mind.
Oh! Okay, oh-ooh, i-it's time for you to go.
Where do you want me?? Uh uh, okay, okay, uh, j-j-j-j-just go sit over at that cafe.
Now, if he does turn out that he is a big weirdo, I am going to put my purse on the table like this.
And that is your signal for you to come join us.
Now, if I don't, I don't want to see your face.
And if he's wearing a wedding ring, put the purse on the table.
-Ma'am? You doing okay? -Uh, fine, fine.
Run away! Nelle, how are you? You can get back to me with your answer on that.
Have you seen the "Penale Esquevez" file? -The which? -Penale Esquevez! Oh! The Penale Esquevez! Actually, I have that one, in here.
Do you? And why would you have the Penale Esquevez file? I believe I had to meet with Mr.
Penale Esquevez, because you were too busy being wedged into an elevator shaft with your skinny legs sticking out with your unmatching socks.
-I'll take that file now, please.
And I'll have my assistant notify Mr.
Penale Esquevez that you're out of the elevator shaft.
Loverlips? It's me.
-Y-you? You, you're -Thunderthighs.
Oh Um Ah-hem.
Wha-what uh, what uh a surprise.
Hoo -You expected something different? -I expected something older.
-How old are you? -Nineteen.
-You said you were thirty-three.
-You said you were twenty-five.
I did.
But well it was well, yee-see, uh, probo-probo-probably because I thought that a thirty-three-year-old guy would want somebody who was twenty-five.
Heh heh heh Oh, boy.
Uh, this is a big bust, huh? Why? I mean, the stuff we talked about.
We really connected.
-What's your real name? -Uh Pam.
Pam! That's a pretty name.
-Thunder ---- -Chris.
Um, I uh, I, I don't think that Well, what would we really have in common? Pam, we have spent the last four months writing back and forth about everything.
Seems to me we have a lot in common.
I mean, you're not going to let yourself get thrown by this whole age thing, are you? Well I, I was just wondering i-i-if, if we would be that compatible.
-Maybe we should find out.
-Sorry!!? Ahem sorry? -Let's have dinner together.
-You want to eat here? -Um, uh, no.
Let-let's go someplace else.
Excuse me, ma'am, put your hands behind your back please.
-What!? -You have the right to remain silent.
-Christopher! -Mom! -Mom!? -I thought this was happening.
Oh god! -Mom! -Mom? What, wh-wh-wh-what is going on? This boy is sixteen years old, ma'am.
And you are under arrest.
Let's go.
-You're now second-chair? -Yes.
Well, where is Ally? Oh, Ally got arrested for attempted statutory rape.
But I read the file, I'm up to speed.
She got arrested for attempted statutoryrape? It was a big mistake.
I thought that he was thirty-three.
He told me that he was thirty-three the entire time.
And until the end when we were going to have dinner, I thought he was nineteen.
But I never ever once knew that he was sixteen until his mother jumped out.
Uh there's an allegation of computer sex ? Once.
Only once.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
I had computer sex with a sixteen-year-old! -Uh, wh-what exactly ---- -Never mind! -Oh forget it! Wa-was it a big computer or a little Palm Pilot? -Richard! -I don't, I don't want him on this case! Let's settle down.
We'll go in for arraignment.
Oh, my god I will move for a probable cause.
Hopefully, we can make this go away.
-What was the name of the computer? -Never mind the computer! O-or the software? Or was it the hardware? Bygones.
They ask the tough questions.
Waive reading! John Cage, Richard Fish and Renee Radick for the defendant, Your Honor.
Only three lawyers? This charge is so outlandish, Your Honor, it takes three lawyers to convey the necessary outrage.
Good one! How, uh, old is the boy? Sixteen, Your Honor.
Here he is.
Stand up, young man.
Defense seeks an immediate probable cause hearing.
Probable cause, uh two o'clock? Adjourned.
Falling in love -- it's it's not something you choose to do.
All right.
But why not tell your husband this had happened? Because at first, we didn't know if it was just going to be an affair, or if it was going to be something short.
I didn't want it to destroy my marriage, I guess.
Falling in love isn't something you choose to do.
You chose to sleep with him, didn't you, Susan? -That was a choice you made? -Yes.
And the decision to lie -- that was a choice too, wasn't it, Susan? I'm not proud of this.
When you knew that this new, true love was for real, Mrs.
Hanks, did you then tell your husband? No.
Well, then how did he find out about it? He walked in on us.
He walked in on you? Is that when you decided to be honest about it? When he walked in and discovered your legs spread --- -Objection! -Mr.
Albert! Till death do you part, Mr.
Hanks, you took the vow with that man! Or were you just lying at that ceremony, too? Mr.
Albert, I said that is enough! What was up with that, Mark? Well, you were harder on her than, than you were on the guy we're suing.
We need to have the jury's anger, Ally.
When they go back to the ---- -Can we talk about your anger? -No, we cannot.
-I'm bored.
-Then, go then, Ling.
Ally's back.
That hurt my feelings.
-Ally! -Oh! Hey-y-y.
Hi, Brian.
Oh well, the judge has suspended the closings till this afternoon.
So, how do you feel about getting that coffee? Now? Oh! Uh, well, uh gee.
Um, actually, I have a probable cause hearing.
-Not your own, I hope.
-Oh, who told? -Does everybody know everything? -I, I was kidding.
-Oh -Is it your own? Well, it's a small, uh, you kind of like a a parking ticket kind of thing.
Uh, what is it, exactly? -Oh You know, statue -Statue? -Tory.
Statutory rape.
Oh, i-it was a big mistake.
I, I was corresponding with this guy on the Internet who I thought was thirty-three, and and some of the exchanges were a little sexual.
Uh, PG! Nothing R.
Well, maybe a little R, but nothing NC-17.
Which is good 'cause he turned out not to be seventeen, he was sixteen.
But who knew? And then I met him for coffee, and he told me that he was nineteen, and I was going to have dinner with him.
And that is all -- dinner with a nineteen-year-old, who as I said was really sixteen.
And and, oh, who, who can keep it all straight? Uh, kids grow up so fast these days, and I got arrested.
I really am innocent.
You, in fact, discussed your ages in your e-mails, did you not? Yes.
He told me he was thirty-three.
How old did you represent yourself to be? Is that important? -How old? -Hh.
Oh please.
Uh, wh-what Okay.
Uh, could you Ms.
McBeal? What, what was the nature of your, your corresondence? Um w-w-well, well, we mostly talked about everyday stuff.
What movies we liked, what books.
We didn't talk much about sex.
I'm sorry, but is it just me, or did this mike just get loud and squeal? -I'm afraid it's just you.
Uh, Ms.
McBeal, at any time during your correspondence, did you ever know Mr.
Emerson to be underage? No.
Absolutely not.
-Didn't he talk a lot about his parents? -Yes.
But a lot of people do.
-And his favorite movie -- what was it? -The Spy Who Shagged Me.
And his favorite television show? Dawson's Creek.
But a lot of old men pervs like to watch nubile teens You did in fact engage in rather graphic sexual dialog with him, didn't you? One time, we talked about sex.
One time.
You attempted to arouse each other sexually by e-mails? Yes, we talked about sex for the purpose of arousing each other.
But I never knew that he was sixteen when I talked about sex.
I don't get my jollies helping young boys to get erections! Trust me.
Come in.
-Mark? -Ally.
How did it go? Oh, um the, the, the sixteen-year-old is going to testify this afternoon, an-and the judge will rule from there.
-How's it going with you? -Me? I'm just working on my closing.
Why did you start railing on that woman like that? Well, we're going for a big judgment here.
We need to tap into the jury's outrage.
I go rough sometimes.
It's strategy Seemed a little beyond strategy to me.
Well, I think that your judgment might be clouded here.
You think about that.
I've heard it happens to people when they're on trial for statutory rape.
What was the strategy in that remark? I'm sorry.
Is everything okay? Well uh would you ever want to do the do the closing? Sorry? Never mind.
You know, I was just thinking maybe you should do the closing.
Then, when I think about it again, it's just ridiculous! Uh, it should be me.
Never mind.
-Are you really okay, Mark? -Oh, I'm just fine.
I'm just I'm going to work on my summation.
-I'll see you in court.
Okay? -Sure.
It was my intent to lie.
Now, why is that, Chris? Well, y'know, I, I met girls my own age at school.
I wanted to hook up with an older woman.
Someone with real experience.
Uh, p-pekee-eh-pokee-eh-p These e-mails, now, they weren't sex talk as a rule, were they? Only the last one.
It was awesome! Thank you.
But the majority ---- And then, when we met, hoh-oh, oh my god! Yeah, uh, what, uh But wait.
N-nothing happened after you met, right? No.
But, you know, I, I was wanting to meet an older woman.
And she said she was twenty-five.
Then when I saw her, she was more like thirty-five! It was like a dream! Why was it, uh, like a dream? Well, The Graduate is one of my favorite films.
Hers too.
She would like to be Anne Bancroft in an affair like that.
She would say, "Society so accepts older men going after younger girls, hurray for the older woman who pursues the young boy.
" Hoh-oh, man, I couldn't wait to meet her! She turned out to be older than Anne Bancroft! Okay.
Did she ever know you were a young man? No.
Thank you, Chris, for your delightful testimony.
Nice, John! Really nice! How was I to know you idolized Anne Bancroft? Loverlips! You should have just got in that he never told me his age and left it at that! I tried! The little bastard kept adding things.
Three lawyers, he calls me thirty-five, and not one of you object! A-a-all right.
Let's look at the positive side.
She didn't revoke bail ---- -Oh! -I keep getting hit Let's all settle down.
She said she'd rule in an hour.
Let's get some coffee.
I can't.
I have to go to trial upstairs.
Maybe the last trial before I get disbarred! There are very few things in life as precious as friendship.
The best part of marriage, even, is friendship.
And if we don't associate a duty with it, a duty of loyalty, honesty, care care, then what have we got, really? Is it too much of a burden to ask that friends be honest with each other? Nobody here, nobody, is suggesting we devalue friendship.
I would agree with opposing counsel there are very few things in life to cherish more.
He likened it to marriage -- I would agree.
It can have the same intensity of emotion.
It can be just as complex sometimes.
It can be predicated on deep childhood bonds or or in this town, simply the Red Sox.
And, like marriage, a friendship can be very difficult to quantify.
And, like marriage, the courts have no business trying to assess blame when one falls apart.
Now, clearly, Peter and Susan Hanks feel a great deal of contrition for causing Mr.
Bender pain.
And everybody here knows, including Mr.
Bender, that was not their intent.
Well, there is absolutely no evidence whatsoever that Ms.
McBeal knew she was communicating with a minor.
The charges are dismissed.
But before we adjourn, let me assume the role of an older but wiser Mrs.
I imagine you'd like that.
Now, I don't think Ms.
McBeal is a predator, but there are plenty out there.
And meeting up in person with someone you only know through e-mail, that's insane.
You're lucky this is all that happened.
Now, we're adjourned.
Well hope you learned your lesson! You were the one pushing me to meet him, Renee! -Ally? Sorry.
I I didn't mean for ---- -I, I, I know.
I turn seventeen next week.
Chris, what you need to do is go out and find yourself a nice seventeen-year-old.
A-and if she has a friend, I get ---- Bye, Chris.
One kiss? -Well.
On the cheek! -How was that? -Totally awesome! What? -What happened? -She's a free woman.
Just the person I wanted to see.
Well, if it's naked.
You're out of luck.
I'd sooner puke my intestines and snorkel in them than see you naked! This is getting worse! I talked to Mr.
Penale Esquevez.
You didn't just have the one meeting when I was stuck in the elavator with unmatching socks.
You've been calling him, you told him it was in his best interest to let you handle his work.
-Oh, right.
I did do that.
-Why? Because it's the truth, you little Mayor of Munchkin Land! Penale Esquevez is kind of a weird name.
He doesn't need to walk into court with a weird lawyer.
You little imp! She called me the mayor of Munchkin Land.
And a little imp.
Foreman, has the jury Oh, just read it.
The Bender vs.
Hanks on the count of negligent infliction of emotonal distress, we, the jury find in favor of the plaintiff.
And we order the defendant to pay damages in the amount of 10,000 dollars.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, thank you for your service.
We're dismissed.
Ten thousand? That's the price tag they put on friendship? Maybe it's the price tag they put on love.
Oh, Jimmy, I'm sorry.
I wish I could have done better.
Oh, you did great, Mark.
Well, I'm not sure who won.
But I'm glad to see you're still at large.
Thank you.
If you're still interested in that coffee um, -I realize I'm a bit old.
I haven't scared you away with my near-criminal behavior? I'm daunted.
But, uh, I'm addicted to caffein.
-Why don't I buy you a drink? -Sounds great.
¢Ü You had better hold on, hold on to what you got That Pope Paul thing -- do they really do that? No.
And the gophering? -Made it up.
I can see you're hurt, but, John, we all have to work together.
You don't think Nelle hurts a little, too? No.
She's a rich, bitch, cold-hearted ice queen, elitist, snob, vicious witch on a good day.
And a tightwad, cheap ass too, 'cause I paid for everything Well, I can see you're softening.
So, what happens after the drink? We go back and hop onto our computers? Funny again.
Maybe we should dance before you fall behind.
Uh, um, I'm not much of a good dancer.
Oh, well, that's okay, because I am.
Come on.
Come on, Biscuit.
-It's been too long.
-I think we have something here, Elaine.
-It's about time.
Come on.
¢Ü You had better hold on, hold on to what you got 'Cause if you think that nobody wants it, just throw it away, and you will see Someone will have it before you count one, two, three Yes you will, yes you will
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