American Dragon: Jake Long (2005) s02e25 Episode Script

Magic Enemy #1

Stop the leak
balloon boy.
I ain't movin'.
Oh, no. I'm great.
I love wasting my
whole lunch period
watching you
have a yak-attack
all over your blog.
You could always
watch Internet videos
with spud instead.
Ha ha ha ha!
Heh heh!
How does the monkey
keep finding
new places
to hide the cheese?
Pass. Just
blog it all out,
and we'll
hit the courtyard.
You can't
rush passion, jakey.
Blogging is the voice
of our generation.
This is how we get up
in front of the world
this is where we stand,
and we shall not be moved.
What Kyle Wilkins
wore today?
Unless Kyle's wearing
vintage jeans and a muscle tee.
Now that will move me.
Mmm, mmm.
Call the movin' Van.
Hey. What's
goin' on out there?
Monkey hiding cheese.
Oh, please be a monkey
hiding cheese.
[Students laughing]
Boy: Ooh, ooh.
Wait, wait.
Bradster's got one
even better.
In the fourth grade,
Frederick buttersleeves
had to go to
the nurse's office
with a cricket
up his nose.
It was my
science fair project.
We got a thumb sucker!
Students: Ooh!
The bradster totally
ganked some
permanent records
you got somebody you
wanna buy some dirt on?
These babies will have their
most embarrassing moments
from preschool
to this morning.
This isn't funny, guys.
Boy: Oh, come on, this is great!
Girl: It is too funny.
You got private
stuff in your
record, jerk long?
Let's find out.
Uh, that is not
your business, Brad.
Leave him alone!
Personal notes
from rotwood.
A very important player
in the magical world,
thanks to his secret
double-life as a fire
Breathing dragon?
[All gasp]
He's hot
like a frozen sun ♪
He's young and fast ♪
He's the chosen one ♪
we're not braggin' ♪
He's the American dragon ♪
He's gonna stop
his enemies ♪
With his dragon power ♪
Dragon teeth,
dragon tail ♪
Burnin' dragon fire ♪
A real live wire ♪
American dragon ♪
American dragon ♪
He's the American dragon ♪
His skills are
gettin' faster ♪
With grandpa,
the master ♪
His destiny
well, what's up, g? ♪
It's showtime, baby,
for the legacy ♪
I'm a dragon,
I'm not braggin' ♪
It's my destiny ♪
I'm the magical protector
of the N.Y.C. ♪
Ya heard!
American dragon ♪
Uh, about that
fire-breathing dragon stuff--
I can explain
everything. See--
Brett: Ha ha!
Jerk long
thinks he's some
kind of dragon
in his own
make pretend
fantasy world.
All aboard!
The pixie land
express. Cuckoo!
At least it's
a cover story.
It's probably just
rotwood making up stories.
Who cares?
And it's
not about me!
How did you
even get these
from rotwood's office?
[German accent]
Did I leave those
folders sitting out
and Jake long's file
on the top
of the stack, again?
Ach! What a major
oopsie I have committed.
One day's detention
for you naughty boys.
One day!
That's all they get?
Next week,
we will be working on
class mosts and bests.
You know, most likely
to succeed, best hair,
biggest weirdo freak.
Since when is
that a category?
It, uh, must have
just been added.
How totally
Jake long,
for biggest
weirdo freak.
Yeah, Jake long!
Second it.
Ha ha!
Democracy in action.
Yo, you wanted
those punks
to read my file.
What's up with that?
Ze door, please.
Permit me to be
perfectly frank
vith you, Mr. Long.
As a young student
of magical creatures,
I made
a promise to myself.
I swore I would
expose my first
magical creature
to the world by my
47th birthday.
Why 47th?
That birthday
arrives in one week.
Yet, nothing to show
for my life's verk.
Oh, I have had
many leads
over the years.
You don't know
how close I am
to finding someplace
called the magus bazaar.
And, of course,
I did learn that
a certain young man
lives the secret
life of a dragon.
But, as we have seen,
[Sighs] You are
not so easily exposed.
So, now we play dirty,
like the swiney piggies, ja?
You think getting me
nominated for freak of the year
is gonna prove I'm a dragon?
No, but it will
throw you off your game.
Get you to
make a mistake--
Dragon up
at ze wrong moment.
And when you do,
who will be there
to record
the evidence of your
true magical nature?
Enjoy the teen
gossip machine.
[Giggling and whispering]
Uh, hey, ladies.
Gossip sure
travels fast, huh?
Ha ha ha.
There's a dude that
thinks he's a dragon.
Does he breathe fire?
Oh, he's gonna fly!
Join us, brother.
Fantasy section's
over there, dragon boy.
[Groans] Rotwood, punk.
Make me look like a freak,
stupid gossip.
Spud! Where
have you been, man?
They got rappin' babies
on the Internet now.
Rappin' babies!
Ha ha ha
ha ha ha!
Mama, mama ♪
Ba ba ba baba ♪
Mama! ♪
Log on, blog on.
Trixie: Ooh-whee!
That is a serious
blog slappin'
you're layin' down
on rotwood, boy!
But isn't this
just gonna make
the popularity
beat-down worse?
I mean, you called
yourself the amdrag.
Nobody at school even
knows what the amdrag is.
Besides, there's,
like, half a million
blogs out there.
Who cares about mine?
Girl: Hey, Sarah,
check this out.
Looks like
the American dragon
and he really hates
this guy called rotwood.
I wonder
what he's sayin'
on his blog.
I got
to take a look.
What site's
she got there?
Jake: Just when you
thought rotwood
couldn't get any worse--
Rotwood: And for
those students with special
dragon dietary needs,
the cafeteria staff
has prepared
[chuckles] Brave knights
and pretty damsels.
Ha ha!
Gotta be hatin'
on magical creatures?
Yeah, what's
rotwood's problem?
loser punk in the dictionary,
I can tell you right now
who's picture you'd see.
I would give anything
to get that jerk
out of my life.
Isn't the American dragon
supposed to be,
like, a millionaire
or something?
Well, he is famous,
Aren't, like,
all famous people rich?
Aye, he used to work
for leprechauns, you know.
[All chattering]
Some kind of
million dollar reward
for a human
called rotwood.
Hey, Chuck.
You're not gonna believe
what I just heard!
Only a couple days
left till voting.
How bad is my
school cred?
If anybody
saw me walkin'
to school with you,
I'd be known as the
bride of freak-enstein.
This is gonna go
in the yearbook
and everything.
We gotta turn this
thing around somehow.
There's gotta be
somebody at school
who's a bigger
freak than--
Zombie band geek!
If a monkey hiding cheese
and a couple of rapping babies
can be
Internet video stars,
so I figured,
hey, I'll just dress up
as a zombie band geek
jump out of dark alleys
to scare people
catch it on DVD and
So, yeah,
there's probably still
a few kids at school
freakier than you.
If you could just
keep away from
any weirdo stuff
for the rest
of the week.
Let me go,
or taste my talons,
you fool!
artist, huh?
Well, taste this!
Dragon up!
Who sent you?
I saw him first.
He's mine!
Aah! Forget it.
No reward
is worth this.
Hey, I asked
you a question!
What the heck
was that all about?
Uh, jakey
Makes my tummy
feel much Fuller.
A ha ha ha ha!
That's a joke.
That thing wasn't
after me at all.
I was just in the way
of its real target.
Hmm hmm hmm hmm.
What? It's for
dramatic affect.
Crescendo, crescendo
Ugh, dude.
So, hypothetically,
who would I talk to
about collecting
if I was thinking, you--
Fu dog!
What? I'd buy ya
somethin' nice.
That's the thing, fu.
It doesn't say
who's behind this.
Who would bear
ill-will toward
a middle school
A middle school?
Rotwood told me he was
real close to finding out
some big shot in
the magic world
must have found out
and put a price
on his capture
Or worse.
Principal rotwood
has no idea
of the danger he is in.
From exposing
any magical creatures,
he must remain so.
You don't even
want us to warn him?
No, I want you
to protect him.
Without letting him
know you are doing it.
Say what?
How are we
supposed to do that?
Fu dog and I will scour
the magical underworld
to find out who is
responsible for this.
In the meantime,
you must follow
rotwood everywhere.
Remember, anyone
and anything
could be a threat--
Constant vigilance.
[Babies cooing]
Even the slightest
distraction could mean--
Arthur spudinski!
What is on my computer?
Rapping babies/
monkey hiding cheese
cross-over video.
Kinda obvious,
but, uh, it works.
[Shuddering] Ugh.
[School bell ringing]
Jake: What's
he doing, spud?
But whatever it is,
it's really colorful
and there are
hundreds of 'em.
Say what?
Spud, this
is a kaleidoscope.
Yeah, all my spy gear
comes from cereal boxes.
I'm havin'
my doubts about
Well, it looks
like it's all clear.
For now, anyway.
Uh guys?
Hold it right there,
Stop movin' jakey.
Let us get
a handle on it.
Time for a little
puddle stomping.
Dragon up!
Uh um,
I'm draggin'--
Under the weight
of this backpack.
Whoo, homework today!
You know
what I'm sayin' people?
Getting schloppy,
already, Mr. Long?
Oh, how ze gossip
must be affecting
your tender
junior high self-esteem.
Here, have a flyer!
They're going fast,
you know.
"Jake 4 freak"?
Maybe you'd like
to blog off some
of that steam, instead.
I've got Wi-Fi ♪
Good idea.
Oh, now that is
just infuriatin'.
Can you believe
the nerve of that guy?
Wait till he gets his!
I'm tryin' to get
some information here.
Yeah, yeah.
Hold your centaurs, huh?
Ah, come on.
He did not!
Aah! Are you
kiddin' me?
Come along, fu dog.
I heard about this.
No idea
who's payin', though.
Ask Ben the fish.
He's the one
who told me.
All I know is,
somebody's payin'
to take care of
this rotwood creep,
but, good.
I don't quite recollect
who told me first.
Ya'll try talkin'
to big Ernie yet?
Ooh, boy.
I just hope
the kid's
havin' more luck
than we are.
[All groaning]
Ew, I got bounty hunter
in my mouth!
Jake: Uhh,
get off of me!
Let me
at the rotwood beast.
I'll gum him
without mercy.
early retirement.
We heard yelling.
You all right?
Yeah, I'm--
What himmel
is going on out here?
Nothing! I mean--
Uh, I got it under control.
Not that there's anything
to get control Under.
Ohh, Jake,
you look so terrible.
I think I might
be feeling guilty.
Umm, nein,
it vas a schnitzel burp.
Oh, well, I'll just--
It's a big
serpent of pino ting.
Dragon up!
Aah! I can't believe it!
I have videographic proof
of a dragon's existence.
[Sighs] Happy
early birthday to me!
This is the most
incredible feeling of my--
Lens cap's on,
Huh? Hmm?
Fu dog: All right,
the few leads we've got
all point
back here to Hey.
Isn't that
little miss sunshine
and dame downer?
So, with all
the rotwood craziness
the past couple of days
it looks like
you sunk a little more
on the popularity scale.
Uh, I would say
right around the kid
who shoved
the bug up his nose.
[Crickets chirping]
It's just one more day
till voting, jakey.
Maybe if you could just,
you know,
chill with the freakiness
till then.
I'm getting attacked
by mud, gummed
by old were-ladies.
How am I not supposed
to freak out
when everybody I see
could be a magical
bounty hunter
tryin' to--
Does that egg-salad
sandwich look funny
to you?
Egg-salad sandwiches
always look funny
to me.
I call them the
stand-up comedians
of the deli world.
Unh! Reveal your
true form, shape shifter!
I know your evil,
egg-y plans!
Aah! Unh!
Oh, jakey.
You can't
Handle what i--
I, uh Thought
it went bad.
My bad.
[Voice wavering]
Thank you.
They actually thought
there was a bounty
for this bozo?
Could people be
any more ignorant?
Then you know
how this happen?
What vision
have you seen?
I told you the Internet
would take the magic
out of magic.
Everything that's happened
is all his fault.
He's always been
out to get me, but now--
[cell phone rings]
Tell me you found out
who's doing this,
so I can be done with it.
Oh, we found out.
But you're not
gonna be happy.
I'm already not happy.
Who is it?
I'm talking to him.
I never--i don't even
have a million dollars!
Well, Jake, that blog
you been writin'--
All that stuff
about rotwood--
Not that it wasn't
pretty inflammatory
I meawoof.
Oh, man, I--
Uh, everything's cool
with me and rotwood now.
No need
for any ugly stuff.
"It was all
a misunderstanding?"
The rotwood beast
must be forcing him
to say these lies.
We have
to free the laddy!
[All agreeing]
Maybe the journalism
business ain't for you.
[Dismayed utterance]
And, so, fellow
Fillmore middle schoolians,
remember not just
the best-looking
and most athletic--
Go, bradster--
But also,
those who give us
our daily helpings
of fantasy-loving,
geek freakiness.
Jake long,
Owf weinerstain.
Freak, freak, freak!
Freak, freak, freak!
I gotta talk to you.
In private.
Surrendering already.
If you care
to assume your dragon form.
But we don't have
a choice anymore.
You're in huge danger.
I can help you
hide until--
You're trying
to pull over my eyes,
Mr. Long,
but it will not work!
[Car alarm blares]
Ooh, lookey,
a circus parade.
I don't think
that's a--
Oh, I love the circus!
As a boy, I dreamed
of becoming a famous juggler,
It's him, boys.
Get him, and
the million is ours!
This is a circus of pain!
Just stay close to me.
Unh! Ugh!
Yah! Dragon up!
Aah, oh!
I break you!
Hang on, rotwood,
I'm coming!
Ha ha ha ha!
Hee hee hee ha!
Uh! Yah!
It burn!
Unh! Hyah!
Well, it's like
stuffing a bratwurst--
Once you learn,
you never forget.
[Mob shouting]
[All talking]
Ohh, dukedully-bobbledy,
are those
But trust me,
you do not want
to meet them right now.
I gotta show you
Ach, I'm flying! Whee!
I i don't understand.
You are responsible
for those creatures
attacking me?
And you think my hairdo
"looks like a can
of ugly exploded?"
I just thought my blog
was a place to vent.
It's the Internet, right?
You can say
whatever you want.
And it is poisonous
no matter what
form it takes.
Who am I to talk, huh?
Have been very unfair
vith you Jake.
Of all people,
I should know
what it is like
to bring together
the human and
magical worlds.
Ah, happy birthday
to me, whee
I suppose I can start
a second career teaching
combat juggling.
I think I may have a way
to make us both happy.
If you're willing
to trust me.
Where am I?
Oh, he's so hideous.
Who gets the reward?
Listen up, people.
I know a lot of y'all
been out
for that
million dollar reward.
But you're too late!
The rotwood beast
has been claimed
by the amdrag.
That's it, game over,
the reward is mine.
[Moaning and groaning]
Wasn't he the one
who put up the reward
in the first place?
Eh, who can remember
who these things
get started?
That's the best
I can do for now.
But you might
want to keep away
from the magical world
for a while.
Unicorns! Ha ha!
And, look, a pixie!
Ah, trolls!
Ooh! This is ze best
birthday present
anyone has ever given me!
Ho ho!
I can't stand it!
You are all
so fascinating.
Get away from me!
Ooh! I am
a life-long fan!
Back off!
Back off, you!
Stop touching me!
So, that is why
I have decided
to strike the category
of biggest weirdo freak
from this year's
mosts and bests ballot.
And in a completely
unrelated matter,
apparently, a few
of my fantasy
fiction stories
got all jumblish,
no good, with my
permanent record files.
If I have accidentally
created any rumors
about Jake long,
I hereby put an end to them.
That is all.
It was our deal.
I should be thanking you.
I have seen
the magus bazaar
with mein own eyes!
Oh, it is enough
to feel I have
finally made something
of my life's work!
Good to hear it.
Of course, a little
video evidence
for the scientific
community wouldn't hurt.
Come on,
upload to my webpage.
Show me that
dragon action!
Zombie band-geek!
Vas in himmel!
Hey, how 'bout that.
Look at me, hey,
I made it
onto the Internet
after all.
I made a
little switch while
you were blindfolded.
[German accent]
Ook! What a major oopsie
I have committed!
Better luck
next birthday.
Jake loooong!
Grandpa: So,
now I am bloxing?
So now I am blogging?
You're not really blogging
until you type something.
But what do I type?
Just whatever.
Type what you feel.
How do you feel right now?
[Speaking Chinese]
I fail to see the fun
in this blogging.
Never mind, g.
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