American Housewife (2016) s01e07 Episode Script

Power Couple

1 Katie: Westport Unified has its cliques, for sure.
I'm not talking about the kids.
I'm talking about the parents.
These are the sports boosters.
Their main concern is that our team wins State every year.
What we lack in homegrown athleticism, we make up for in foreign adoptions.
Good grab, son! Then you have The Arts parents Sad losers living out their broken dreams through their children's cloying performance of "Rent.
" The techies want everything at school to be state-of-the-art iPads, smartphones.
I think half of them would upgrade their kids to robots if they could.
A robot kid wouldn't be so bad.
The Asians are all about academics, and well, academics.
Here's Anna-Kat's special needs teacher, Dr.
Ellie, the only reason we're at this clique-y school in this clique-y town to begin with.
Oh, Katie, have you seen the new budget the PTA just approved? The PTA involves associating with parents and teachers, so no.
They're taking the money for special needs and putting it towards new lights in the parking lot! What? What are you saying? I won't be working at Westport Unified next semester.
But, Dr.
Ellie, you are the only reason we moved to this beautiful idyllic.
picture-perfect hellhole.
[Groans.]
Greg, we cannot lose Dr.
Ellie! Look, we can't be the only parents upset about this.
What about the other families who see her? I've already reached out.
Half of them will hire her as a tutor.
The rest will switch to private school.
Why couldn't we have been born rich or chosen better jobs or just worked harder? Well, there's a PTA meeting tonight.
One of us should go and convince them to amend the budget to secure Dr.
Ellie's funding.
That sentence alone is why you are the parent who should go tonight, and I should stay home and send you encouraging texts from the bathtub.
Well, I certainly know school politics, but I don't know the personalities.
Well, I can't go.
I hate all those over-involved idiots on the PTA.
"Our chalkboard is old!" "Is our mascot racially insensitive?" Ugh.
Enough already.
Mama, I can't stop thinking about Baby Jessica.
Okay, honey.
Let's calm down.
Say it just like Dr.
Ellie taught you.
Okay, I'll try.
I am not a baby.
We do not have a well in our yard.
The fire department will not have to come and rescue me and tape my arm to my head.
Oh, God.
We need Dr.
Ellie.
We're gonna have to become over-involved idiots.
Okay.
Keep the doors locked, don't use the oven, stove, or microwave, text me every hour to say that you're alive, and stay out of my nightstand.
- You've been warned.
- Taylor: Don't worry, Mom.
I got this.
I think Taylor's gonna do a fantastic job.
Your positivity is highly suspect.
Are you okay with this? As long as they play with me.
- I can't wait.
- Taylor: Of course we will! You mess this up, and I'll make sure to haunt you when I die.
Not just the chains and moaning.
The dark stuff.
- Why are you wearing a sports coat? - We're going out.
To a PTA meeting in the cafeteria.
Going out is going out.
I want to look nice.
But you look fine.
Should have said nothing, Greg.
Okay, kids, be good, play together, and don't be stupid.
Yes! This is amazing.
We're home alone.
You're the only responsible adult, - and you're ridiculous.
- I know! I'm not responsible at all! You know what we should do? Watch "Death Coat.
" What's a Death Coat? It's a movie about this coat, and if you put it on, you become a psychotic killer.
It's so scary that a girl in Seattle died while watching it.
It's true.
Yeah, but you believed "The Hunger Games" was real and happening in Russia.
You're an unreliable source.
You can't watch a movie tonight.
You promised you would play with me.
We will.
But first, why don't you run upstairs, get all your toys ready, make sure it's all clean? And then double-check that it's super clean.
- And then - You can't trick me.
I'm smarter than you.
Now, upstairs.
Ponies.
- How about I take you - Ponies.
- But what if I - Ponies! She really is Mom's daughter.
It's unsettling.
[Indistinct conversations.]
Okay, there they are The power cartels of the PTA.
They run this school.
We got to go in first-day-of-prison tough.
Find the biggest one and punch him in the face.
Easy, now.
This is school politics.
There's an art to it.
You can't be so pushy.
Greg, my two defining qualities are pushy and tired, and I don't think tired is gonna get our teacher back.
During new business, we'll make an impassioned plea for Dr.
Ellie and how important she is in shaping our daughter's life.
People take me seriously, and do you know why? - Go ahead.
- Because I dressed business casual.
- [Thumps on microphone.]
- Sandy: Please, everyone, take a seat.
[Indistinct conversations.]
[Sighs.]
When do we handle new business? We have a huge, very important issue.
It's at the end of the meeting.
Why is it at the end? That is 45 minutes where I could be watching "90 Day Fiancé.
" - I know.
- Settle, everyone.
Before we get going, I have an announcement.
Phyllis has given up her seat on the board.
She's going away for a few weeks to treat her exhaustion.
Exhausted from drinking so much.
Poor thing.
So, for our first matter of business, I would like to call for nominations for a new board member.
New plan power grab.
Remember, you cannot nominate yourself or your spouse.
Damn it.
Nominate me.
I nominate Greg Otto.
Oh! My.
Well.
[Chuckles.]
Woman: I really like his jacket.
Doris, why not me? You are wildly disliked.
I, um, I nominate Sit down, Randy.
- Yep.
- Sandy: Very good.
All those in favor of electing Greg Otto, say "Aye.
" All: "Aye.
" All opposed, say "Nay.
" The "Ayes" have it.
Congratulations, Mr.
Otto.
Welcome to the PTA.
[Applause.]
Oh! We have a seat on the board.
We can work the system from the inside.
You be the face, I'll be the brains, and together, we'll bring this school to its knees.
We're just trying to secure funding for Anna-Kat's special ed teacher.
To its knees.
To its knees.
So, to keep Dr.
Ellie at school, we need three of the five board members on our side.
With your vote, we just need two.
That's the picture you chose? What's wrong with it? - We look great.
- You look great.
I'm in the middle of a sneeze.
Greg, I always look great in pictures.
It's not my fault.
Focus up.
Here are the players.
Bruce, Jenn, Kyoko, and Crossing Guard Sandy.
Mm, Crossing Guard Sandy's the one who re-appropriated Dr.
Ellie's funding.
- We'll never get her vote.
- Yes.
Plus, we've had our differences.
A complete stop is a complete stop! I would love for your mouth to come to a complete stop! - I'll kill you! - [Screams.]
Don't touch my sign! [Grunts.]
So, at the PTA mixer tonight, - we need to win these three over.
- Got it.
You bought a new poster board for this? No! It's was Taylor's vision board.
It was empty.
So - Yeah.
Sure enough.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
We have another school event to go to.
Mom, what's going on? You hate being involved.
You always say being involved is for busybodies and people with dead marriages.
This is for Anna-Kat.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Okay.
Nobody died last night and nothing burned down.
It's a low bar, but you cleared it.
Do that again.
And don't eat my good almonds.
You've been warned.
[Soft music plays in background.]
You're on the board now, so you need to work the room and make friends with the other voters.
There's Bruce.
Let's schmooze.
Brief me.
He's a hothead who's in anger management for slashing a ref's tires.
His wife Gina frenched Angela once, - but that's a secret.
- Bruce.
Greg Otto.
You see that botched call this weekend? - Terrible! - Terrible! And, Gina, that is a smart, tight haircut.
Did I ever tell you that I have a vast collection of oversized belt buckles? I'll catch you guys later.
Wow! You're amazing at this.
Eh, I'm only as good as my intel.
We're like a power couple.
There's Jenn.
Hit me.
She loves attention.
Her nickname's "The Prowler" because she's always hitting on dads at school.
Hang back.
Why, hello.
Oh.
I didn't know they let students into these meetings.
Greg Otto.
[Both chuckle.]
Yeah, there you go, Greg.
Shake those hips, get that vote.
Great news.
Kyoko and the Asians are gonna vote for your budget! Yes! What made them support us? They love how mean you are to the white women.
Okay.
We just need one more vote.
[Chuckles.]
- Did he just push her? - Yeah.
His moves haven't really changed since grade school.
[Door creaks.]
[Shivers.]
Grandma, it's chilly in here.
Let me grab you a coat.
Hmm.
[Heart beating.]
Grandma! - [Girl screams.]
- [Laughs.]
Five minutes in, you're already screaming like a girl.
That wasn't me.
What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in bed! I'm never putting on a coat again! [Sighs.]
[TV shuts off.]
Looks like another night of playing ponies.
I call Buttercup! Wow.
Look at you.
The only woman in this room, probably in town, with a beer in her hand.
I drink it out of a bottle just to enjoy - the look of horror on their faces.
- Yeah.
You know Tanya wanted to make this a wine-only event.
- She's the worst.
- Mm.
Or, wait, you're probably friends with her.
Are you kidding me? I once slipped her a peanut to prove that her "allergy" was just a ploy to get attention.
Total fake allergy.
- Well - Really? Oh, that is awesome! Hey, can I talk to you about our school's special needs teacher? Uh, sure.
Let's go grab a beer at The Black Mallard and catch the second half of the game.
They have free popcorn.
It's gone tons of germs, but I don't really care.
- Great! - All right.
[Both laugh.]
Can I borrow him for a minute? Okay, but you have to give him back.
[Light laughter.]
[Sighs.]
We got to go grab a drink with Bruce.
I'm pretty sure I can get his vote.
Well, we can't leave now.
I'm talking up Dr.
Ellie.
I think I can close the deal with Jenn.
Greg, anyone can close the deal with Jenn.
How about this? You get The Prowler's vote.
I'll get Bruce's vote.
Them, plus the Asians, plus you.
That's four votes! That'll just really stick it to that Crossing Guard Sandy.
Ugh.
Look at her.
It was great to see you.
That woman's the worst.
Dr.
Ellie has written articles on OCD and spoken at several conferences.
And to lose her Attaway, boys! Yes! Wait.
UNC just scored? Oh, yeah.
I'm UNC, baby.
All the way.
Look at that.
Duke can suck it.
Katie, it's just a college rivalry.
It doesn't matter that you're a third-generation Duke alumna or that you met Greg there or that Oliver's middle name is Duke.
The reason I bring up Dr.
Ellie I can't believe Duke's actually still a Division 1 school and not a junior college.
You know what I mean? I don't.
[Chuckles.]
You have such a resonant voice.
Oh! You would make an amazing Jean Valjean.
I've always thought so.
But a string a community theatre directors have disagreed.
Not to mix business with pleasure, but I have a PTA issue.
Oh! Me, too! I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.
- [Laughs.]
- [Chuckles nervously.]
I am hoping to put healthy vending machines at the school, and all the money raised will go to the arts program.
I would love if you would promise to give me your vote.
I'm happy to pledge my support.
Pledging now.
Pledging.
Mm! And break! Go team! - [Laughs.]
- [Laughs reluctantly.]
Your mascot is literally a devil.
And a Tar Heel is better? What the hell is a Tar Heel, Bruce? I Googled it once! No one knows! it's a heel covered in tar that goes up Duke's ass! Oh! Okay.
I'ma flip a table! [Glass shatters, patrons murmur.]
Oh.
Okay.
Real classy.
I'm never voting for your dumb doctor now! Guess what? I don't need your vote.
My husband's knuckle-deep in a vote right now! Mmm! Ooh, this merlot is wonderful! I love how nutty it is.
Just like you.
[Both chuckle.]
- You know what else is nutty? - Hmm.
Crossing Guard Sandy's new budget.
If I put forth a new one to save Dr.
Ellie, could I count on your support? Oh.
No.
But I agreed to vote for your vending machines, and we're getting along.
And you invaded my safe-space on numerous occasions.
I'm sorry.
Crossing Guard Sandy and I have already agreed to vote for each other's proposals.
But If there is something that you would like to propose - I'd like to propose a toast.
- Oh? To the security cameras of this bar.
May they show that I did not initiate this contact.
Oliver: I love coats! - Purple coats, blue coats! - Taylor: And pink! Coats are our friends! - Oh, my - Greg: Hey, guys.
Why is Anna-Kat still awake? [Gasps.]
Mama! Take off your coat before it kills you! What is she talking about? It's unrelated to anything that happened tonight, - I can tell you that much.
- I'll take her to bed.
Honey, go upstairs and do your finger exercises.
Mama will be up in a few minutes to tuck you in.
So, now she's afraid of coats, wells, and mannequins with no clothes.
But we'll do fine without Dr.
Ellie next year.
- [Cellphone rings.]
- [Sighs.]
It's Doris.
Hey, what's up? Did you promise Jenn you'd vote for vending machines in the school? - Yeah, healthy vending machines.
- Yeah, he did.
What? Oh, no.
Bye.
[Cellphone beeps.]
Kyoko and the Asians hate vending machines.
- Why? - Does it matter? We lost the Asians! You just lost us Dr.
Ellie! How could you give Jenn your vote without getting hers in return? You're a total pushover! Yeah, well You're a bully! - Oh, really, Greg? - Yeah, and why is this all on me? You lost Bruce's vote because you are a bully.
[Gasps.]
You couldn't even land The Prowler.
You flipped a table.
I'ma flip a table right now! It is too late to start a fight.
Yeah, it is.
Anybody whoever said "Don't go to bed angry" doesn't have three kids.
When I have a chance to sleep, I'm gonna sleep.
[Grunts.]
Shh! [Scoffs.]
This is the worst.
I'm up to my armpits in school politics, Greg and I still aren't speaking, and Anna-Kat is not going to have a special ed class next year.
That's it.
We're getting table pancakes.
Look, Katie, the vote hasn't happened yet.
I know Kyoko's upset, but I think you can win her back.
Mnh-mnh.
That's only two votes.
I still need Bruce or Jenn.
Or Crossing Guard Sandy.
I told you not to park in the yellow! You tell me a lot of stupid stuff I ignore! [Grunts.]
[Gasps.]
That was my grandmother's! Wait, your grandmother was a crossing guard? You'll see my grandmother in Hell! Aah! Not Sandy.
Maybe I can blackmail Bruce to get his vote.
Angela, do you have any pictures of you frenching his wife? Not his wife.
Then I'm out of options.
I'd say I'd home-school Anna-Kat, but I'm not going to because who wants to do that? Look, Katie, you and Greg are like my breakfast.
Greg is like my eggs solid, dependable, But on their own, no, thank you.
- That's true.
- That's true? I don't know.
I'm supporting her.
And you, Katie, are like hot sauce fierce, wild, and a little goes a long way.
But together Mmm! Perfect! Way too much hot sauce.
It's burning my teeth.
- I don't want to get new teeth again.
- Okay.
- Fight's over.
- What? Fight's over.
How come you get to decide when a fight's over? That's just how it is.
I don't make the rules.
Yes, you do.
Greg, if we are going to make this happen, we have to work together.
You're right.
Next meeting, we'll both get those votes.
[Inhales deeply.]
Remember how we used to get excited about much better things? Kind of.
Okay.
Four PTA members, and all we need is two of them.
There's Jenn.
Got your back.
Go do your thing.
Excuse me, Jenn.
- A word with you about the - Here's the deal.
If you don't vote for Dr.
Ellie, then you can forget our support for your stupid healthy vending machine.
[Scoffs.]
Greg, you promised.
I put my finger in your mouth.
Uh I'm cool.
Vending machines are dead.
- Can we count on your vote? - Kyoko: Yes.
As long as vending machines - are never allowed in our school.
- Agreed.
But I can ask what your problem with vending machines is? No.
[Sighs.]
Okay.
We just need one more vote.
- Well, the Bruce bridge is burned.
- Mm.
That means there's only one vote left.
[Bell tolls.]
Hey.
Sandy.
I get asking you for help is weird.
We haven't always been BFFs.
You tried to broadside me with your car.
Sandy, if I was trying, I would have hit you.
Greg: You're right, Sandy.
You've done nothing wrong.
Just like Anna-Kat has done nothing wrong to deserve losing her highly trained and wonderful teacher.
You should be on our side.
Growing up, I'm sure you were in a special needs class.
No, I wasn't! Really? While I appreciate that new lights in the parking lot are important, Dr.
Ellie is transforming our daughter's life.
But Dr.
Ellie is only helping the special needs kids.
My parking lot lights are for everyone.
And I hate your wife.
I mean, I really hate her.
No chance in hell you're getting my vote.
[Chuckles.]
Ever.
[Groans.]
Oliver: I'm never going to sleep again.
Me, neither.
How could I have let us watch that movie? I shouldn't be in charge of minors.
How are we gonna get over this? [Crickets chirping.]
Anna-Kat.
Anna-Kat.
What? We need to know how to make our brains right again.
Next up, the vote on Greg Otto's amended budget to reinstate Dr.
Ellie.
I vote yes.
Yes.
No.
Not a chance in hell.
And I vote Yes.
[Spectators murmur.]
That's three votes.
- [Gavel bangs.]
- Budget passes.
How the hell did you do that? You better get ready for a whole lot more Katie Otto to hate.
I am going to be at every PTA meeting, every mixer, and every one of your stupid events fighting for my daughter to get the care that she needs.
But if you give us your vote, I will resign, and you will never see me or my wife at another PTA meeting again.
- I hate you.
- I'm washing my hand.
Greg and I make a pretty good team.
Attention, all.
I hereby resign from the PTA.
All I do is win, win, win, no matter what Got money on my mind I can never get enough Whenever me and Khaled do the remix Everybody's hands go up And they stay there - Yeah - And they stay there - Yeah - And they stay there - Up, down, up, down, up, down - Cause all I do is win A coat can't kill me.
A coat can't kill me.
Man is inherently good.
Man is inherently good.
Man is inherently good.
Doesn't take you too long to pee.
Doesn't take you too long to pee.
Doesn't take you too long to pee.
Katie: These kids have not ruined your body and life.
These kids have not ruined your body and life.
These kids have not ruined your body and life.
These kids have not ruined your body and life.