American Housewife (2016) s01e09 Episode Script

Krampus Katie

1 We got a new batch of holiday cards.
[Door closes.]
Ugh, Christmas cards in this town are so over-the-top.
Sweet Lord.
This folds out into a full nativity scene.
Is that camel hair? Ooh, I'm saving this one.
This is just another opportunity for people to show off.
Look at these pictures! New house, new boobs, old nanny who's now the new wife.
Who are they trying to impress with these things? Me! Check out this cardstock.
Is this linen? - It's linen, Katie.
- Mm-hmm.
This is softer than our sheets.
Well, I did buy our sheets from the grocery store, so Look, the Harpers went to Australia and got to pet a whale.
Why are you so mad at the whale? Sea mammals have nothing to do with Christmas.
That card is just a way of telling us that they went on an expensive vacation.
And I already know that because I hate-follow Shelly Harper's Instagram.
Why do you let things like this bother you so much? Because I don't want our kids thinking that this shallowness is what Christmas is about.
Christmas is about being cozy and eating cookies from a tin, and then the kids arguing over who gets the tin, and then me yelling, "All right! Nobody gets the tin!" That's what Christmas is about.
Add in a touch of Baby Jesus.
- [Cellphone rings.]
- Greg, your phone.
Yeah, I was just checking to make sure that it's working.
Waiting to hear if I got that speaking gig.
I could use the money for a new laptop.
The old one heats up like a panini press.
Burned the hairs straight off my thighs.
Work better pick you over that jerk Kidney Disease Carl.
I know my department has a lot of Carls, but you need to come up with a nicer nickname.
- [Door opens.]
- Merry Christmas, Ottos! - Greg: Oh, hey, Viv.
- Santa Viv! - Hi! - Ohh.
You just let yourself in now.
Oh, you.
That's not an answer.
No, no, no, no, no! These quinoa muffins are for Greg and the kids.
I got you something even better - The gift of potential.
- Oh.
- A Fitbit.
- Right! That's a fresh, new way of calling me fat.
You're not fat, Katie.
You're on your way to thin.
These muffins are pointy which is a fun surprise.
Oh, good.
Hey, guys, so I'm guessing your Christmas-lighting designer is non-existent.
And since I have to look at your house every day, I can just send over my guys, Scott and Scott.
The Two Scotts.
We're good.
Our simple decorations are perfect just the way they are.
No, they're not.
In other news, you are looking at the chairwoman for the school concert tomorrow.
I need help setting up, so I assume you'll volunteer your Katie skills.
Actually, my Katie skills are what I use to get out of volunteering for things.
Oh, Katie.
You know, if you're not careful, you're gonna wind up on my naughty list.
And watch out.
I spank.
Ho! Okay.
- Ho, ho! - Right.
Merry Christmas! Bye, Viv! ["Joy to the World" plays.]
We have got to start locking this door.
[Lock clicks.]
Why'd you throw that out? It's a computer that tells me how little I exercise, which I already know.
Viv is just like Santa.
She gives gifts, she volunteers, she even wears the hat.
No, I'm like Santa.
We both have the same body-type, and we make lists of people who've pissed us off.
You're more like Krampus.
Who's Krampus? That's you Krampus.
I can't believe you think Mama is a monster.
Krampus isn't a monster, Mama.
He's just a half-goat, half-demon who punishes children during the holidays, and sometimes eats their hands and butts.
See, it's not so bad.
He's far and away my favorite of the anti-Santa villains.
- Name two others.
- Von Krispin - Oh, Greg.
- Mama, not in front of the Elf.
Katie: The Elf on the Mantle.
The little narc who reports everything we do back to Santa.
And he's always staring at me like a grade-A perv.
It's half the price of the one you're thinking of.
I don't want him telling Santa that you're acting like Krampus.
Then none of us will get any gifts.
I'm pretty sure the rest of us will still get gifts.
Unh-unh! The Elf is getting all of this, and he's gonna run it right up the ladder! Don't worry.
The Elf loves Mama.
I love this little fella.
I'll even turn the light on so he can watch us - all night long.
- Okay.
Now I have to go practice for the holiday concert tomorrow.
But you practiced all morning.
Brannagan gets mad if we don't sing right.
I can't make a mistake! What's wrong with that music teacher? It's a little kids' school concert.
The whole thing is a mistake! I bet it's hard for him to get kids to focus this time of year.
Why do you always do that? Okay, this seems like one of those things where you feel like we've talked about it a hundred times, and it's completely new to me.
You never lose your temper.
You are always trying to put a positive spin on things.
- How do you live with it? - No, really! You defended those obnoxious Christmas cards, you defended your co-worker, even Anna-Kat's horrible music teacher.
Also in there, I defended you.
Don't cloud my anger with love.
Stop acting like nothing bothers you, when I know it does.
Things bother me.
The ending of the space program.
That's pretty much it.
If we can't hate together, then I end up looking like a fire-breathing Christmas dragon.
Again, Krampus is half-goat, half-demon.
Dragons are a whole-different milieu.
We bumped into some gifts on the top shelf of your closet that we can only assume are ours.
Books, pajamas.
Really, Mom? If you had confusion about our wish lists, you could have come to us.
We try to make ourselves available for these types of things.
Greg! What's a positive spin on your kids acting like entitled Westport Language! apple holes? Okay, obviously, you guys are completely out of line.
But this is a good opportunity for a Christmas lesson.
Right! Now I'm Krampus Katie and you're jolly, old Saint Greg! Honey, the Elf on the Mantle.
I don't care about the Elf! It doesn't have feet! Doesn't that freak anyone else out? No, Mom, seriously, the Elf.
Oh! [Stamping feet.]
Agh! Augh! Aah! Okay.
Whew! Crisis averted! You murdered our Elf.
I've got a PR problem, Greg.
Anna-Kat muttered "Krampus" as she passed me in the hallway this morning.
Am I really that bad? Well, you say things out loud that polite society frowns upon and impolite society.
Really, all society.
Don't worry about it.
She'll get over it.
Besides, the Christmas Elf's pretty much back to normal.
Okay, I have to fix this.
I have to figure out a way to show Anna-Kat that I have Christmas spirit.
I am not Krampus.
I can be nice.
But that means you have to punish Oliver and Taylor - for being spoiled jerks.
- [Doorbell rings.]
Way ahead of you.
I've got a great punishment lined up for them today.
Good will towards men they're gonna hate it.
Their pain brings me Christmas joy! - Hey! - Santa Viv is back! - [Door closes.]
- Hey! I bought you a wreath just so your house doesn't look abandoned.
How nice.
We're having a nice time.
And I'm being nice to you.
You know what else would be nice? If you came down to the school to help me decorate.
We want things to be perfect for Anna Banana's big concert tonight.
Mama, you'd be like Santa's little helper.
Helping out at the school.
Excuse the pun, but this seems like a gift-wrapped opportunity for Christmas cheer.
Would that make you happy, if Mama made the school festive? Would that fix things with the Elf? It would.
- Then that's what we'll do.
- Yay.
They should make a movie about me "The Greatest Mother Ever.
" And I want to be played by Jennifer Lawrence.
And I want Greg to be Latin.
Well, then, let's let's go, okay? Oh, wait, don't forget your Fitbit.
You don't want to miss a great opportunity to count steps.
My Fitbit.
Where did that go to? [Laughs nervously.]
- [Rattling.]
- Oh.
Must've fallen in there when we were fighting over your pointy muffins.
We're gonna have so much fun! I know.
I'm finally getting my hands on you.
Elf, Mama's going to decorate with Viv.
I'm telling him what's going on because his eyes got burned off This is what Christmas is all about bringing joy to others.
And that's your Christmas lesson.
Ugh, it smells sad in here.
That's part of the lesson.
Uh, how about that lady over there? She looks super depressing.
Go on.
Brought the kids in, huh? [Chuckles.]
Some sort of Christmas lesson? Yeah, that's right.
How'd you know? Oh, we get a lot of that crap this time of year.
- How's my wrapping station? - [Ding.]
Ooh! I reached my 10,000 steps for the day.
Your Fitbit is synched to my phone, so I can track your step count, too.
Which is currently 70? I'm guessing from your tone that that's not an impressive number.
It's kind of the wild west of wrapping.
Kind of the wild west of comments, Viv.
As volunteer chairwoman, I want this Christmas concert to be perfect.
You know, when you move to a place like this, it's hard to make your mark.
One of the only ways to become popular is to volunteer for a high-profile event like this and make it magical and spectacular, and then everyone will think I'm magical and spectacular.
And it all starts with these gifts, so re-wrap those packages! I want tight creases and invisible tape! Tight creases and invisible tape! I love it! Bye! Trying to be nice for Anna-Kat makes me want to go home and hang myself in the garage no, Greg's office.
I want him to find me.
Let's see him put a positive spin on that.
So, it's between me and Carl for the job, and I could really use the extra money.
So you're just gonna sit there and wait for the phone to ring? Get down there and pester your boss till he gives you the job.
That's not really my style.
Look, I learned one thing You have to be aggressive in life.
Did you ever see that show "Mad Men"? Oh, are you in advertising? No, no, no.
I-I was an extra on the show.
And I always pushed up front so the camera could see me.
Mm, ruined a lot of shots, but you got to take what's yours.
That's all I'm saying.
No, I get your point.
But the best restaurants are in Paris.
Have you been to Paris? Me neither.
But it's just like Brussels.
Have you been to Brussels? Me neither, but Listen, this has been a real roller coaster of a conversation, but we've got a thing, so Oh, of course.
Well, thank you for coming.
I can't believe my two favorite grandchildren came all this way.
- Oh, no, we're - Hold.
Let's see how this plays out.
Here's $100 for you two.
Get yourselves something for Christmas.
- We love you, Grandma! - Thank you, Grandma! [Giggles.]
["God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" plays.]
Oh! Good.
Put that in the VIP section, close to the stage.
There's a VIP section? For a children's Christmas concert? Yeah, they donate a little money so they don't have to wait in line and can get the best video of their kiddies.
I'm lying.
It's a lot of money.
Doesn't that bother anyone? Doesn't seem to! None of these people are ever bothered by anything.
Could their fake happiness actually be real happiness? Am I missing something? Could they have the secret to life? I feel like Carrie Bradshaw right now.
Meanwhile, across town at the retirement home, Greg was experiencing some fake happiness of his own.
[Camera snaps.]
Okay, Grammy, it's time for us to go.
Well, thank you for visiting.
Goodbye, Brad.
Bye, Bethany.
This has been the best Christmas gift I could have imagined.
Yep! Come on Brad.
[Laughs nervously.]
Got to run! Ooh, ooh, ooh, what's the rush? I'd love to meet your new friend.
What? No.
We already said goodbye.
Is that the Christmas lesson to thumb our noses at social norms? Let's go! We learned plenty today.
All right.
Merry Christmas, kids! Grandma loves you! Grandma? Don't spend all that money in one place! [Sighs.]
You took money from her? Is it our fault she thought we were her grandkids and gave us money? Yes! I brought you here to learn a lesson, and you conned an old lady? No way.
You're giving the money back.
Do you really want her to find out that her real grandkids didn't visit her for Christmas? Is that the Christmas lesson to break an elderly woman's heart? Great.
I'll go give her her money back and tell her she spelled "home" wrong on her needlepoint.
That is not the lesson.
But a lesson will come [Cellphone rings.]
right after I get this job.
Hello? Professor Otto.
No, I'm completely satisfied with my cable service.
[Cellphone clicks.]
Actually, it's pretty expensive.
Come on.
Let's go.
See? This is what I'm talking about.
They're having the time of their lives, not questioning a thing.
That woman is wearing antlers made for a cat, and she's happier than I was at my wedding.
They do seem genuinely happy.
It's creepy.
Why can't I just relax and let things go? Because it's against your nature.
Like me and monogamy.
It's not natural.
Maybe I can pull it off.
I've been acting happy for Anna-Kat all day.
It's gone pretty well.
What if I just commit to it full-time? Cheerful Katie.
Positive Katie.
Here come Viv.
Viv: Hey! It's my girls! Hi! I found this little scamp running around putting extra steps on your Fitbit.
That's weird.
I certainly didn't pay her to do that.
We have so many good things to catch the Elf up on.
So, Viv, is there anything else that I can do to be helpful and nice? Well, you know, you could drop off some gifts I bought for a family in need.
It would really lift their spirits.
I'll call Daddy to come pick us up.
You can wear my Santa hat! - Hmm.
- Ah! Oh, good.
It's still warm.
All right.
Bringing gifts to the poor.
Doesn't get more Christmasy than that.
You kids are finally gonna learn something.
What about their lesson at the retirement home? That one got away from me.
Did work call yet? Nothing yet, but staying positive.
You should.
I'm sure it's going to work out.
Super sure.
I love the new Christmas Katie.
Oh! Here's number 17.
Turn here.
All right, kids.
Get ready to see what real need looks like.
Wait, are we all aware of what the word "need" means? There must be some confusion.
We're looking for a poor-type family.
Do you have a maid, or perhaps a vagrant that's passing through? Tim: No, I'm afraid that's us.
It was so nice of Viv to help us out in this difficult time.
Oh, yeah.
Viv is the best.
Shrimp cocktail? - No, thank you.
- Oliver: See, Mom? It comes other ways besides popcorned.
Oh, Oliver.
You little rascal.
Lacey: Apologies for the decorations.
We can only afford one Scott this year.
You see, our assets in the Caymans got frozen.
It's been a real bear.
We can't afford a vacation.
We're just going to Hawaii.
Mama, is it time for the presents? Sure.
Time for presents! Presents for the rich people.
Oh, uh, wow.
Oh! - Thank you.
- Wow.
Thank you.
Well, I learned an important Christmas lesson.
No matter how rich you are, expensive gifts still make a difference.
Wow, I felt that, but I didn't know how to say it.
Not the lesson.
Oh, and guys, Viv wanted me to give you one last thing the gift of potential.
Pre-loaded with 118 free steps.
Merry Christmas, rich people! Oh! Ottos! I saved you seats! Merry Christmas.
How does it look? Is it magical? Are you transported? Is there too much cinnamon in the air? Viv, you got to cut those pills in half.
There's too much cinnamon in the air.
So stupid, Viv.
[Cellphone rings.]
Here it is.
Go get 'em, honey.
Hello? Oh, hi.
Yeah, no, of course.
I understand.
Yes, uh, happy holidays.
[Cellphone clicks.]
They gave it to Carl.
That jerk! There's no way I'm changing his nickname now.
Oh, hon, I'm so sorry.
It'll It's fine.
I'm fine.
I'm so lucky.
Think of poor Carl, always needing a kidney.
I don't need a kidney.
I've got great kidneys.
The best.
[Piano fanfare plays.]
Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa-la-la-la-la No, stop.
We're a bit flat.
Again, from the top.
[Piano plays.]
Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa-la-la-la-la Mr.
Brannagan: Stop.
Stop, Chad.
Jtt! You're off-rhythm.
From now on, you're just mouthing.
All right.
Once more.
Impress me.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly - No, no.
Stop, stop.
- Fa-la-la-la-la What is happening, huh? We've been working on this for months! Okay, I tried to be Santa.
But sometimes you got to be Krampus.
Because when it comes to raising these children in Westport Hey! Brannagan! - Who the hell do you think you are? - [Audience gasps.]
This is supposed to be fun! We all know the holidays are stressful and we don't always get what we want! It sucks, but it's life! So don't take it out on our kids! I'm sorry this is where your music career has spit you out, but it's not their fault! So turn around, shut up, and let our adorable children mangle these Christmas classics! [Cheers and applause.]
That was amazing.
That felt amazing.
I'm so pumped.
- This is how you feel all the time? - Pretty much.
Nothing better than just letting your anger out.
Who knew that that was the Christmas lesson identify morons and then yell at them.
Oh, Greg, this makes me so happy.
We can finally start hating together.
[Both laugh.]
[Piano flourish plays.]
Deck the halls with boughs of holly I have yelling to do, as well! This is the best Christmas concert I've ever been to.
I have worked so hard to make this night nice for all of you.
And not a thank you from anybody! This used to be a cafeteria! And now it's Santa's workshop Santa's workshop! Any my husband and step-sons don't even show up to support me! And you know what?! None of you have accepted my friend request! That's rude! You can just friend me and then unfollow my feed! I won't know! God, it feels so good to finally get it all out! Who's next? Who's with me? [Breathing heavily.]
Don't do it, Katie.
You just taught Greg to be mean.
Don't send him mixed signals now.
You want to come over to our place after the show? I'd love to.
I'll bring decorations and save your Christmas.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly Together: Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la 'Tis the season to be jolly Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la I told the Elf you invited Viv over.
He was really impressed.
Thanks, Mama.
You're the best.
I guess being nice isn't so bad.
Looks like Christmas worked out for everybody.
Well, not everybody.
Is Nora here? My kids got her a gift.
Aww, that's so sweet.
May I see? [Chuckles.]
She'll love it.
Go on in.
Taught them a Christmas lesson importance of family, et cetera.
- Cost them $100.
- Really? They make them at the mall for 20 bucks.
That's a discussion for later.