American Housewife (2016) s01e17 Episode Script

Other People's Marriages

1 I just did the impossible.
You actually changed the toilet-paper roll? No.
I taught Anna-Kat to put herself to bed.
But I like her bedtime ritual.
We tuck her in, untuck her, tuck her in again, untuck, tuck, untuck.
You know what? I've come around on this.
Great job, Greg.
Think about it If Anna-Kat puts herself to bed every night, that frees up 10 extra hours a week.
I could re-read Proust, but in French.
[Sighs.]
Why am I so attracted to bad boys? [Chuckles.]
Ow! I hit the pointy part! [Exhaling sharply.]
I told the kids a hundred times to close the cabinet doors.
Forget the Lamaze breathing.
Just swear, Greg.
Any swear word plus the word "face" works really well.
You know I don't like to swear.
And that's why the kids don't listen to you.
Until they bring back hitting, swearing at them is the only way we get them to do what we want.
[Door opens.]
- Hey, Ottos! - Hey, Viv! Just barge right in.
Remind me what are the specifics on Stand Your Ground? Did you bring us gifts? No, these are my clothes.
But don't worry.
It's all high-end stuff, so it wouldn't be your style anyway.
Could've stopped at "These are my clothes.
" Can I leave these here for a bit? [Chuckles.]
Alan gets annoyed when I buy things, so I hide the clothes until he leaves.
Hmm.
Do you always hide purchases from your husband? Of course.
Doesn't everyone? No, Viv.
Everyone does not.
And why does Alan care what you buy, anyway? Aren't you guys rich? No.
Alan and I are wealthy.
Rich people are just regular people with boats.
I had a dinghy.
Ohh, Greg, don't make this conversation any stupider than it already is.
But it's not about the money.
Alan just gets cranky when I do things without his permission.
Permission? Well, not permission exactly.
It's just, if I want to do something and he doesn't like it, he doesn't let me do it.
That's permission! Viv, that is not how a marriage works.
A marriage is supposed to be 50/50.
I'd kill for 50/50.
70/30 sounds nice.
I hear you, but things would be easier if Alan didn't see these, so can you hide them for me? [Groans.]
Okay.
Fine.
Thank you! But I get to keep what's ever in this bag.
[Laughs.]
[Snorts.]
I'm just picturing you putting on my leather pants.
[Laughs.]
Bye! [Laughs.]
[Door opens, closes.]
Please don't.
Don't what? Get involved.
Just stay out of Viv's marriage.
But Viv's husband is awful.
We've never even met the guy! Remember when you both were pulling out of the driveway? You waved at him, and he didn't wave back.
He never waves at me, but I'm not a waver.
You're a waver, Greg.
Look, Alan may not be great, but getting involved in other people's marriages is never a good idea.
Wrong.
It's always a good idea.
See how I disregarded what you said? Viv should do that.
I don't just give advice.
I practice what I preach.
Screw her.
I'm gonna get these pants on.
Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh! Aren't you two forgetting something? Happy birthday? I don't know.
I took a shot.
Here's a little thing I call "closing the kitchen cabinets.
" Sorry, Dad.
We'll do it next time.
Did you see that? Ring, ring! Hello? Parenting magazine? Why, yes, I'd love to write an advice column.
You closed the cabinets for them.
If you want them to listen, you got to swear at them.
And if you want to slap them around a little bit, I think that's a wink bad wink, wink idea.
Hola, Ottos! Thanks so much for stashing those clothes for me.
Viv, I was thinking about it, - I'll get your bags.
- and Why don't you just go outside? Katie, you stay here, and we'll all stay involved in our own lives.
Viv, come sit down.
You shouldn't have to hide your new clothes from your husband at your neighbor's house.
Why not? This way, everyone's happy.
You're not happy.
- I'm not? - No.
You need to tell your husband to stop being so controlling.
I'm just not great at that sort of a thing.
Well, then, let's practice.
Let's do a little role-play.
- Oh.
- Okay, you be Alan, and I'll be you.
Okay.
[High-pitched.]
This is gonna be so much fun! You ready? That is so how I talk! How are you so good at impressions? Well, it's very easy, because you only have two voices higher and higher! You're just as fun and cheerful as I am! Hey, Viv, what do you think of my new outfit? I love it! Hey, Viv, what do you like most about yourself your hair or your smile? I've really put you in an impossible position.
[Normal voice.]
Okay, stop it.
You're supposed to be Alan.
This is clearly not working.
Ugh.
You're you again.
How about this time, you be you and I'll be Alan? Okay.
- [Deep voice.]
Vivian.
- Ooh! The flannel shirt and that deep voice You're like a lumberjack.
Why did you purchase a sweater with no sleeves? Because my arms look amazing.
- And it cost? - $2,000.
[Normal voice.]
$2,000?! Do you know how many people I could take to Buca di Beppo with $2,000? Wait.
Are you saying that as Alan or as you? 'Cause he's never been to Buca di Beppo.
Both.
But that's not the point.
The point is, you do not need to be nervous around your own husband.
$2,000! [Groans.]
I'm getting off track.
Don't hide things from Alan because you think he'll get mad.
Get mad at him for making you hide things! You're absolutely right.
Alan is not the boss of me.
- Mnh-mnh.
- And I'm gonna tell him that the second he gets back from the city! - Aw, man.
- [Door opens, closes.]
FYI I did not fit into those pants.
I thought they might be stretchy, but they were not.
Here you go.
Ugh! [Exhaling sharply.]
What's Daddy doing? Passive-aggressively reminding me that he went to childbirth classes while I stayed home and watched the finale of "Joe Millionaire.
" That's it.
Taylor, Oliver, I am taking away your allowance.
Eh, it's only 10 bucks a week.
Plus, you always forget to give it to us anyway, so, yeah eh.
[Groaning.]
Way to discipline, Greg.
What are you gonna take away next the chores, homework? - [Door opens.]
- Viv: Knock, knock, Ottos! Saying "Knock, knock" when you're in the house defeats the purpose.
It's like saying "Heads up" after you've thrown something.
Oh! Heads up! So fun! Hey, Katie, I wanted to tell you something.
I confronted Alan.
I followed your advice and told him everything! Good for you.
After I'm done with this mom thing, I'm gonna be a marriage counselor.
He didn't like it, so I left him.
- You what? - Right? So I'm gonna need to stay here for a while.
Greg, bring in my bags.
You love me.
[Grunting.]
Ooh! Greg, you're sweating all over my stuff.
Sorry I'll try to curb my body's natural response to lifting things.
Love it.
[Whispering.]
You just had to get involved.
[Whispering.]
Don't get mad at me! It's not my fault! Katie, thank you so much for telling me to leave my husband.
I never said "leave.
" You never said "don't leave.
" Okay.
Guys, no kombucha.
Is this where you keep the food for your workmen? - I can't see you glaring at me.
- [Refrigerator door closes.]
Just out of curiosity, is there anyone else you could stay with? Let's see I'm an only child.
My mother is dead, my father is dead.
My best friend was in a parasailing accident.
I pulled the plug.
Now I'm in a legal battle with her family.
So, what I'm hearing is that there's an empty bed somewhere.
How about a hotel? After I left, Alan froze my credit cards.
Now the only money I have are these gift cards I swiped from my stepsons.
And none of them are for Hilton or La Quinta Inn? Nope.
You guys are my only option.
But don't worry I know what you're thinking.
Living here is not beneath me.
Okay, it is, but I'm a trouper.
You can stay in Anna-Kat's room.
Hey, Greg, careful when you carry it up.
I can't have your walls damaging my luggage.
Where's Anna-Kat supposed to sleep? With us.
It took six years to get Anna-Kat to sleep on her own.
I'm sorry, but we cannot send Viv back to Alan.
He's a monster.
All she did was stand up for herself.
It's a marriage, and that means that they're equal partners.
What is this "equal partners" you keep mentioning? And when does that kick in? Was there a form that I missed? A box I was supposed to check? I promise you, he is gonna miss her, march over here, knock on our door, and beg for her to come back.
But this time, it's gonna be on her terms.
But if you want to kick her out, then fine.
I don't want to kick her out.
She killed her best friend.
Anna-Kat, how was your day? Something really bad happened to me.
I was on the playground Ugh.
I can beat that.
You know what's really bad? Since my marriage unraveled, I don't have any possessions which is almost as bad as having these possessions.
Greg, can you go fetch me my magazine over there? Sure.
I think I'm gonna let you guys talk amongst yourselves for the rest of dinner.
- [Thud.]
- Aah! [Exhaling sharply.]
Make it a girl, Daddy! I want a little sister.
Guys, you have seriously got to start closing these doors.
Dad, that's true, but at the same time, you could also watch where you're walking.
That's just good advice.
Taylor, Oliver, I hate to do this, but no dessert tonight.
Eh, I'm off sugar anyway.
And since dessert's rice pudding, seems like I just dodged a bullet, so eh.
Um, Greg, I think I have something to offer that could really help the situation.
Who wants an Xbox?! - I do! - Me! - Viv's the best! - Viv, you can't do that.
You're a man! And because of your wife, I don't listen to men anymore! I think what Greg is trying to say is, you can't spoil the kids at the exact moment that he's trying to punish them.
Please! Let me be fun Aunt Viv! Don't take the kids away from me.
They're all I have left.
You know what? It's all right.
Let them keep it.
Greg, can you try to be mean? Act like you're at the Dockers store and they're out of braided belts.
Her part's not straight.
Is that a choice? [Yawns.]
Good morning.
I beg to differ.
Anna-Kat has the wingspan of a condor.
I haven't slept for five days.
And Viv's Starbucks order is out of control venti iced skinny hazelnut macchiato, sugar-free syrup, extra shot, light ice, no whip.
I know that.
Just hang in there.
"Hang in there" is what you say to people when you know there's an end to something.
Alan isn't coming to take her back.
I know.
There's no begging, no marching no nothing.
Only Viv.
Is it possible that this is just it that this is the end of Viv's marriage? I wonder where I would go if you drove me away.
I have no idea.
I'd hit the Red Roof Inn first.
I know they give a AAA discount.
Then I'd stay in university housing and see the kids at night.
We'd trade custody on the weekends, of course.
I'd wait six-ish months before I went on eHarmony or Bumble, but I wouldn't introduce her to the kids until I knew things were serious.
That is not an off-the-top-of-your-head answer.
Viv: Greg! Did you find that distilled water? You know that my humidifier's empty! Why doesn't she ever call you? Just so you know if you ever leave me, you're the one who's taking the kids and I'm the one who's seeing them on the weekends.
I cannot believe Viv is still living at your house.
Her credit cards are frozen.
She's got nowhere else to go.
Ohh.
That's got to be awful.
- Or do you [As Viv.]
love it?! - [Laughter.]
I don't love it, but Greg is taking the brunt of it.
He's a saint.
[Normal voice.]
Oh, he's the best.
Hey, is the hair on his chest patchy? When I picture it, it's patchy.
Could you please stop picturing Greg topless? Fine.
I'll put a shirt on him, but his pants are coming off.
[Laughs.]
So, Viv and Alan are really getting divorced, huh? Isn't that crazy? It is weird that she's the one who left.
Viv should be at home, and Alan should be holed up at the Four Seasons.
Or the Red Roof Inn.
That's where Greg would go.
That is so sad.
Remind me when Greg leaves you to give him some of my hotel points.
Yeah, but Greg would never leave.
He's too nice.
- Mm-hmm.
- Eh, I'm not so sure.
Remember Mark and Susan Thompson? [Groans.]
Those idiots who are always talking about how much they love each other on Facebook? Yeah.
He left her.
- No! - No! Just like that? Out of the blue? For her, it was out of the blue, but he had been planning it.
Coldhearted.
But he was so nice.
What went wrong? Who knows? Maybe he got tired of her.
She's kind of a pain in the ass.
I'm a pain in the ass.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
If I were you, I'd figure out a way to get Viv out of your house.
Greg isn't Mark Thompson.
He would never pull the trigger.
He can't even stand up to his own kids.
I'm sure you're right Susan.
Oh! Look! Now your horses came to visit.
No.
Anna-Kat, why don't you tell Mommy what you told me? I moved them in here because I'll be sleeping in your bed forever.
Oh.
Tell her why.
Don't leave that part out.
Viv said there's nothing sadder than sleeping alone.
I'm gonna go get my stuffed lion.
He roars again.
You were wrong.
They didn't stop making AA batteries.
Yay! Before you say anything, I'm gonna get Viv out.
Where? Where is she gonna go? Home? Send her back to Alan, that monster? - Well, maybe.
- Yes? Maybe we have it all wrong with Alan.
Okay.
Maybe Viv is the monster and Alan is the victim.
I don't know, Katie.
That's kind of a stretch.
Viv: Greg! Where's my turn-down service?! Never mind.
Sold.
Alan's the best! Ooh! They sent two masseuses.
This is great! You take my legs, you take from the ass up.
- She seems stronger.
- Uh, no.
We're Katie and Greg Otto.
We live across the street.
Sometimes I wave to you, but you don't wave back because of your tennis elbow? I don't play tennis.
I make money and I travel around the world.
You see this table right here? Guess where that table's from.
Ethan Allen? Tibet.
It's from Tibet.
It was in a monastery in a shrine room, untouched for 1,000 years.
I had a helicopter take it out of the country in the dead of night.
- That sounds like a crime.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, it's a crime.
Yeah.
But the great thing about monks is, they keep their mouths shut.
We've got something that we want to talk to you about.
Okay.
45 seconds, you can just sure.
Great.
[Scoffs.]
- Alan's the best.
- The best.
What's your deal? Are you a dragon slayer? Uh, a what? Dragon slayer! Are you the kind of guy, you see what you want, you just go out and you get it? I bought this sweater off a mannequin.
Oh, okay.
It's a start.
You see this ancient horn? It's from an African tribe in Borneo.
They worshipped that horn.
It was their god.
I took it.
Borneo is actually in Southeast Asia.
- I don't think so.
- It is.
- Whatever.
- Okay.
I took their horn.
I took their god.
I own it.
You know what I do with it now? I keep grapes in it.
[Chuckling.]
I don't even really like grapes.
This was somebody's god! Whew! Slaying the dragon.
- He's the best.
- The best.
So, Alan, we've come to talk to you about Viv.
She's been living with us during this difficult time.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
That's where she's been this whole time? Yeah.
- Huh.
- I'm sure a little communication can fix whatever problems you two are going through.
I don't really think there's a problem.
See, ancient horn one of a kind.
Skinny blonde, likes to shop a lot not extinct.
Hey, she's a person, not an object.
Ehh Oh, you're the friend that told her to stand up to me.
Yeah.
I did.
And your fragile ego couldn't take it, so you punished her by freezing her credit cards.
I didn't freeze her credit cards.
- You didn't? - No.
Why I'm bored.
Look, your 45 seconds are up.
The two of you get out.
All right, fine.
We're gonna go.
But you need to know something You don't deserve Viv.
Sure, she's awful, but you are the biggest piece of [bleeeeeeeeep.]
thing I've ever met in my life! You sound like those monks.
[Groans.]
I told you not to get involved.
Sorry, Greg.
I can't believe Viv lied to us about the credit cards.
And I can't believe the cabinets are open.
Hey, you guys having fun over here with the super-awesome thing you love that you'd really hate to lose? Dad! What's going on?! Now I'll never know what that prostitute was saying! You should've listened to me about the cabinets.
That's why you let us keep it so we'd finally have something good that he could take away.
Wow, Dad, you are coldhearted.
Didn't know you had it in you.
Close the cabinets, go upstairs, and do your homework.
Oh, and now you two are in charge of putting Anna-Kat to bed.
[Groans.]
So, you had a plan all along? Don't let the nice fool you.
Mark Thompson.
Please don't leave me.
What?! Why would I leave you? Because I'm a pain in the ass.
Why wouldn't you leave me? I would never leave you.
You're my best friend.
That gives me very little comfort.
You have no friends.
See? I stay stuff like that all the time.
Why are you thinking about this now? 'Cause everybody's getting divorced, Greg.
Viv's getting divorced.
The Thompsons are getting divorced.
And you had a secret plan to take away the kids' Xbox and destroy their spirits.
They never saw it coming.
Promise me you're not gonna take your AAA card and move on with your life.
Because you can Bumble away, but there is nobody else out there for me.
Just you.
- I will never leave you.
- Good.
- Unless - Unless what? Unless you can't get that skinny macchiato out of our daughter's bedroom.
She's gone.
I'm really glad you're never divorcing me.
I can't be single again.
I really don't want to have to lose 30 pounds.
Hi.
Namaste, Katie.
Viv, Greg and I talked to Alan.
Oh! You lied to us about the credit cards and used it as an excuse to crash in our daughter's bedroom which you completely redecorated.
But it is better.
Is this the chair from our room? Yes with new fabric.
So, what's going on, Viv? [Sighs.]
I lied because I didn't want to stay in a hotel.
They're so lonely and cold.
I wanted to stay in this house because you and your family are so warm and kind and real.
That is so sweet.
I mean, you do not care what anyone else thinks about you, even though there's a lot to critique.
And I guess, with my own marriage ending, I just wanted to be near a good one, even if it was just for a few days.
You got to divorce Alan and find somebody who's right for you somebody who doesn't mind that you're a pain in the ass.
Like Greg is with me.
[Squeals.]
[Laughs.]
- Oh, my gosh! You're You're so soft! - Okay.
You know what it's like? It's like hugging a little beanbag chair.
Oh, poor, sweet Alan.
Oh, it's so good.
Taylor and Oliver put Anna-Kat to bed, so we are officially off the clock.
What movie do you want to watch? I don't know.
Let's see.
A documentary could be good.
Ugh.
I don't want to learn things, Greg.
How about a superhero movie? You have the cinematic tastes of an 11-year-old boy.
- But I think that - No, no.
We're 60/40 now, and this is part of my 40.
Fine.
I am not loving this almost-equal-partnership thing.
Oh, wait, look.
"Arrival" is on New Releases.
I've heard good things.
Really? I've heard bad things.
You already watched it, didn't you? I did, and it was great.
[Sighs.]
There are no good movies on.
Mnh-mnh.
You want to watch TV instead? That's a good idea.
TV is just better entertainment.
It really is.