American Housewife (2016) s01e18 Episode Script

The Otto Motto

1 dumbest sport ever.
I'm 6:00 a.
m.
, and I'm sitting on a cold bleacher, watching Taylor's feet flail two inches above the water.
My back is sweating, and the humidity in here just Def Leppard'd my hair.
Go, April! Excellent crane position! Go, Taylor! Way to hold your breath underwater! Taylor: Who are you yelling at? Uh I thought you.
Well, my team just finished at the other end of the pool.
Well, then whose feet have I been watching for the last half-hour? Could be anyone.
Oh.
I was thinking, synchronized swimming is not my You're quitting? Well I know you bought me this one-piece, and we can't return it because we ripped out the sani-strip I'm so happy you're quitting! You keep this up, you'll be my favorite.
So long, suckers.
[Door opens.]
Oh, hi, honey.
Hi, Ayo.
Hi, Mr.
and Mrs.
Otto.
- [Door closes.]
- How was your day? I'm quitting drama club.
Taylor, you're not quitting.
You just quit synchronized swimming two weeks ago.
Why are you fighting this? This is one less production of "Our Town" - we have to sit through.
- You said I had to take another activity, but it turns out, drama combines my two biggest fears speaking in public and reading.
Yeah, that's acting.
What did you think it would be like? I don't know Instagram? Taylor, I don't want quitting to become a pattern.
Dad, you can't make me take drama.
Ayo, tell him.
Um I'm your boyfriend.
My goal is to have your parents like me, so I'm just gonna sit quietly over here.
Taylor, you have to learn to stick with things.
I let synchronized swimming slide, but you're going from quitting to being a quitter.
- Remember, the Otto motto is - "Ottos never quit.
" - Exactly.
- That motto is so stupid.
Taylor, don't say stupid.
Kind of the best word for it, though.
Hey, not quitting builds character.
Take me for example.
I'm about to start teaching that class at the Education Institute.
Attendance has dropped, but I'm not quitting.
- Sounds like you should.
- Quit! Quit! Quit! Come on, Ayo.
Join in! Quit! Quit! Quit! Again, I'm just gonna smile and hold still.
- [Footsteps approaching.]
- Oliver, back me up.
Tell Dad that the drama club at school is lame.
- It's lame.
- See? But with Taylor's help, it could become awesome.
Jerk.
Present.
Where are you going? New GQ got to stay current.
I fear that I may have a genetic predisposition to ugly shawl-collared sweaters, so I'm doing everything in my power to fight it.
Don't you wish that he would quit acting like such a turd? Yeah, but the Otto motto is named after me, so it puts me in a tough position.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hey! Did you take my glue stick? Yeah, one sec.
I'm just finishing up my vision board.
What's a vision board? [Sighs.]
It's a collage of the way you want your life to be.
- Let me see.
- No! It's none of your business.
When you took my glue stick, you made it my business.
Hey! Give that back! Oliver, slow down.
Anna-Kat, speed up! Run, my favorite child! Run! Whoa.
What is going on here? Hot guys in suits.
Ashton Kutcher? Abs, abs, abs.
And hold on arm around Cooper Bradford? Could Oliver be No.
Could he? Maybe.
No.
Maybe? - Gay! - Mm, I don't know.
Come on! There's not a boob in sight.
If Oliver's straight, where are all the boobs, Katie? - Where are all the boobs? - Valid question.
Not to mention, who's this pretty boy, and when's the honeymoon? That's Cooper, his best friend.
And, remember, Oliver dated that girl Alice.
Hmm.
He could be bi.
Or pan.
Or polyamorous.
Or polysexual.
Or he could be a run-of-the-mill cisgender male who happened to create a vision board with a lot of hot hunks on it.
It's hard for me to follow all these new gender terms, but it doesn't affect me, because I only go to the bathroom in my own home.
I don't think Oliver's gay.
A mother knows these things.
I would've noticed something.
Well, maybe he's old-school gay but doesn't want to accept it, so he pushes his feelings deep down inside and behaves like a complete d-bag.
Oliver's definitely gay.
And that explains why he's such a complete d-bag.
Plus, the board.
I don't know.
I look at this, I see Armani.
I see expensive watches, a Ferrari.
No, this is just shallow, materialistic Oliver.
What about Ashton Kutcher? Well, he's a successful businessman.
He invested in Skype and Uber.
Oh.
You're right.
This could be just about business.
Now who's gonna take me on my mother-son gay cruise? Turns out everyone in the drama club has to audition for the school play.
Great! What scene are you gonna audition with? I think I still have my "Fiddler" beard here somewhere.
No, I-I don't want to audition.
I don't want to embarrass myself.
Why won't you let me drop out? Because Ottos never quit.
You're ruining my life! Channel that.
That was super dramatic.
This is all your fault, you know? We have discussed this.
Nothing is ever my fault, Greg.
She's a quitter, 'cause you're a quitter.
That is not true.
Name one thing that I've quit.
Taylor's baby blanket.
She was a very small baby.
Oliver's memory book has three pages.
Okay.
And I think this is Anna-Kat's, but I'm not really sure because you didn't finish spelling her name.
You interrupted me.
You asked me to come downstairs and help you put together the Exersaucer.
That was for 15 minutes 7 years ago.
You quit everything the second it stops being easy and fun, including these "How to Speak French" CDs we bought - so we could go to Paris.
- To be fair to me the reason that we haven't gone to Paris is not because of the CDs.
It's because of, oops, Taylor, then Oliver.
Oops, Anna-Kat.
So you're just quitting on our dream.
Don't put this on me.
You didn't listen to those French CDs either.
Bien sûr que je l'ai fait.
Oh.
You did.
Why? Because I dreamed of you and I sitting in a café in Paris, sipping wine, and ordering in French, possibly wearing a beret.
I go back and forth.
Fine.
I'm sorry I let you down by not learning French.
I'll make it up to you.
We'll use French dressing instead of ranch.
How about you take a class at the Education Institute? There's a French-immersion course right next to mine.
[Katie sighs.]
We'll be in Paris speaking French in no time.
If I take this class, will you stop calling me a quitter? If you can say "I'm not a quitter" in French, I will stop calling you a quitter in English.
Look on the bright side.
[French accent.]
It is the language of love.
Ugh.
Not happening, kid.
Kind of excited for French class.
I'm proud of you, honey.
I'm excited for my class, too.
Enrollment is down, but my enthusiasm is up.
Oh, get to use my brain for something other than fishing people's hair out of the drain.
And you're following through and not quitting.
Maybe I'll become all worldly and French and start smoking again.
Katie, stop looking for excuses to start smoking again.
Veuillez retirer votre guide d'étude.
I'm sorry.
I did not get one of these handouts.
En français, s'il vous plaît.
Was I supposed to print one out at home? Because my husband has not set up the printer, so En français.
Okay, I don't speak français.
That's why I'm here.
Dans cette classe, nous parlons seulement français.
Are you pretending that you don't speak English right now? Because I am not pretending that I don't speak French.
Classe? Together: En français.
Bunch of kiss asses.
Well, I gave it 10 minutes.
I guess no one else is coming.
Welcome to "American History Comes Alive!" Good evening, professor! Good evening.
You don't have to raise your hand.
[Sighs.]
It's just you and me, so you could just Do you really Yes? You, the only other person in the room.
Shouldn't we begin with the Pledge of Allegiance? Uh, yeah.
Sure.
Everyone, please stand.
[Sighs.]
Do you, uh Ah.
"I pledge allegiance Both: to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
" Good.
I'm glad we did that.
Good.
I don't understand a word.
I wish the teacher would teach me phrases that I really need to know, like, "Please open this window.
I would like to jump out.
" [Both laugh.]
- So quit.
- I can't.
The only reason I'm taking this class is to prove to Greg that I'm not a quitter.
- Mm.
- Then you should ditch class.
Greg would know.
He teaches right down the hall.
So walk inside with him, kiss him goodbye, then the second he's in the classroom, run outside, and we'll pick you up.
- Huh.
- That is not outside my moral wheelhouse.
Oh! It'll be as if we were all friends in high school.
- Aww! - Yeah.
I don't think you guys quite grasp how cool I was in high school.
It's probably best we met when we did.
Yeah.
"Beast! "Belle! Belle, you came back!" "Of course I came back.
I couldn't let them Oh! This is all my fault! If only I'd gotten here sooner!" Stop.
That was terrible.
Don't listen to him.
You were really loud.
I liked how you made a choice.
You think you can do better? I think it would be physically impossible to do worse.
Go for it, Belle.
Ayo, read with me.
Very aggressive family.
You ready for class? Oui.
We what? Non.
Oui.
We what? [Sighs.]
Oliver: If only I'd gotten here sooner.
Ayo: Maybe it's better this way.
Don't talk like that.
You'll be all right.
We're together now.
Everything's gonna be fine.
You'll see.
At least I get to see you [voice breaking.]
one last time.
[Voice breaking.]
Please don't leave me.
[Sniffles.]
I love you.
Belle, it's me.
It is you.
And then we kiss.
Bam It's magic.
Oh, my God.
He's a better princess than I am.
He's either as good an actor as Ian McKellen or as gay as Ian McKellen.
I think it's pretty clear.
The cruise is back on.
[Chuckles.]
Madame.
Oh.
- Have a great class, honey.
- You too.
I'm so proud of you for sticking with it.
Thank you.
That means a lot.
Ouille! You're in America.
Say "ouch.
" We got it good - [Laughs.]
- Unh, unh - Come on.
- Let's do this! Yeah! [Laughs.]
We party until the roof caves in 24 hours later, yeah, we do it again - How we looking over there? - Whoo! I thought because it was just the two of us, we could watch a movie.
Benjamin Franklin was the most influential of the Again, Grant, you don't have to raise your hand.
It's just the two of us.
Although I do appreciate your passion for decorum.
Uh, the syllabus clearly states that today would be a guest lecture from Benjamin Franklin.
It says, like, I quote: "History comes alive!" with the exclamation point at the end, and, you know, this seems less than alive.
Right, but "History comes alive!" plays better to a group, not just one Are you gonna refer to the syllabus? The syllabus clearly states that Benjamin Franklin would be in class today in person with his kite and his key.
[Sighs.]
[As Benjamin Franklin.]
I was born on a frigid January in 1706.
You don't look like Benjamin Franklin.
[Normal voice.]
I'll see what I can find in my car.
Okay.
I'm gonna read the syllabus again.
Do that.
Forever You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream The way you turn me on I can't sleep Let's run away and don't ever look back Don't ever look back [As Benjamin Franklin.]
And as a founding father of our nation, minister to France, and inventor of the urinary catheter, I passed away on April 17, 1790.
I heard you died of syphilis! Myth.
Although I did get a lot of action.
[Laughs.]
[Laughter.]
Tomorrow night, beers in bags under the bleachers.
Cutting class is the best! [Laughs.]
Hey.
Let my class out early.
Where are you coming from? Well Before you make this situation worse, I saw you get out of Angela's car.
[Laughs.]
That's so funny.
You see And I heard you say, "Cutting class is the best.
" Oh.
And you didn't hear the rest of that.
Cutting class is the best way to get your husband pissed at you.
I did.
I cut class.
Yeah.
I can't believe you quit your class.
Greg, I'm an adult.
It's okay to quit things when you're an adult.
- Who says that? Who's your source? - God.
He quit creating things after seven days.
He could've kept going.
Actually, it was six days.
On the seventh day, he rested.
Oh, great.
Well, then I'm not quitting.
I'm resting.
Look, I tried it, I didn't like it, so I stopped doing it.
Why shouldn't I quit something that's making me miserable? 'Cause you're setting a bad example for the kids.
The kids don't have to know anything.
We'll just lie to them.
We lie to them constantly.
Up until last year, Anna-Kat thought it was illegal to watch TV during the day time.
No lying and no quitting.
Well, then I don't know how to talk to our kids.
Hey.
I'm still talking.
Well, I'm not.
I'm quitting this conversation.
And, besides, face the facts I do not need to learn French.
So no Paris? We have three kids' college tuitions to pay for.
We were never gonna go to Paris.
Hey.
We may never get to France, but you sure have a negative French attitude, lady.
How about a bedtime story, sweetie? Can we do "Madeline"? Ooh.
This is new.
And in French.
Daddy got it for me.
I can't wait until you finish your class and can read to me in French.
Oh, sweetie, I don't think I'll ever get good enough to read a book like this.
Of course you will.
You can do anything.
Right there.
There's the moment when telling your kids they can do anything comes back to bite you on the ass.
- Hey, Mom.
- Hey, honey.
Greg! Take a seat.
Okay.
Son, we love you.
Thanks.
Love you, too.
Is there anything that you would like to share with us? Is it because I'm wearing a leotard? That might be a good starting point for a larger conversation.
It is okay to be who you are.
That's funny.
'Cause you're always complaining about who I am.
But now we realize you're gay, so it all makes sense.
- Guys, I'm not gay.
- Yes, you are.
We saw your vision board with all the half-naked guys on it.
[Sighs.]
I don't know where to begin.
There's nothing to be ashamed of.
There is this amazing cruise.
It leaves out of Seattle.
We can fly in early, have brunch.
Mom, I hate to disappoint you, but I'm not gay.
Then why are you going with me on a gay cruise? Honey, let's hear him out.
The vision board is my inspiration for everything I want out of my life.
What about the hot guys? They're models in ads for things I want, like watches, clothes, cars, sick abs.
So what's with the leotard? Well, the first step to getting all these things I want is getting into Harvard, also on that vision board.
I'm not following you.
I need more than good grades to get in.
And you're not donating a library, nor do you have the decency to be 1/16 Cherokee.
Or war vets.
Or anything useful.
So I did some research and found out that Harvard has a ballet troupe that's always desperate for male dancers.
So ballet is your way in.
I started classes today.
That is genius.
Just regular genius, not evil genius, which is a nice change.
Yeah, honey, that's great.
I was really looking forward to having my gay son.
We're gonna love him even though he's straight.
He's still our boy.
I guess.
And I am proud of you.
That's the kind of "never quit" attitude I respect.
Thanks, Dad.
Well, I got to get going.
One of us has a class to get to.
It's a big night tonight.
- James Polk! - [Chuckles.]
- Right? Yeah, it's good.
- Yeah.
I'm home.
Bonsoir.
What's all this? Honey, I'm sorry I said we'll never get to Paris.
Maybe one day we will, but until then, I thought that I would bring Paris to us.
I love it.
[Bad French accent.]
Bonjour! Welcome to my humble Parisian café, which I built in 1965 with my charming lover, Pierre! I was wrong to encourage her to stick with acting.
So wrong.
[French accent.]
I highly recommend the beef bourguignon.
[Whispers.]
Because it's all she made.
Deux, s'il vous plaît.
That was very authentic.
And now for some light dinner entertainment.
"À Paris, dans une vieille maison aux murs recouverts de vigne.
" Listen to you reading French.
Je ne suis pas un quitter.
And speaking it.
Where did this come from? As Anna-Kat says, I can do anything.
Man: Je vais à la plage.
Je vais à la plage.
Comment allez-vous? Comment allez-vous? [Speaking French.]
et n'avions pas peur des cerises.
Thank you for seeing this through.
- [Glasses clink.]
- Taylor: Oh, great.
So now that you stuck with French, I have to stick with drama? - Oui.
- "We" what? Honey, you're gonna be late for your class.
- Oh, I quit that.
- What? Hey, I'm an adult.
I'm allowed to quit things.
You learned from me, I learned from you.
Besides, I wrote a lesson around it.
[As Richard Nixon.]
I have never been a quitter.
To leave this class before the term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body, but as professor, I must put the interests of myself first.
Therefore, I shall resign effective at noon tomorrow.
Actually, right now.
Goodbye, Grant.
Wait, I don't know who that was supposed to be.
I'm giving you a C-minus.
Yes.
[Chuckles.]