American Housewife (2016) s01e21 Episode Script

The Club

1 Katie: The Westport Town & Country Club.
Upside it's completely free if you live in the city limits.
Downside no mom in this town has the decency to let herself go.
Women over 25 who actually want to be seen in a bathing suit.
It's unnatural.
God.
It's so nice here.
Said those kids the first time they saw Neverland Ranch.
- What's that? - Nothing.
Mama's just being silly.
Just don't befriend pop stars.
Maybe Adele.
Okay, this is where I leave you, gang.
Mom, please make Dad change before you go.
That shirt was out of style when he bought it 20 years ago.
Joke's on you.
I didn't buy this shirt.
It's a hand-me-down from my uncle.
Ugh.
There's Emma Conway.
She's gonna make me play doubles with her.
She's terrible.
Just tell her you don't want to.
Yeah.
Or I could hide in the bathroom all day.
Honey, you have got to start saying "no" to people.
It's not so hard.
Excuse me.
Could you tell me where the towels are? No! Actually, it's just right over there.
I'm in the middle of a life lesson.
I'll be in the clubhouse schmoozing with the Wall Street guys so one day I can buy this place and turn it private so people like us can't get in.
Okay.
Have fun.
I'll miss you.
You don't have to miss me.
I'm coming with you.
Don't you want to go swimming? I'll live.
Ah, but, honey, I was gonna go home and watch shows that are inappropriate for a girl your age.
Ah, screw it.
You're an old soul.
You can watch TV-MA.
Come on.
Guess I don't need my pool shoes anymore.
Whoa! Honey! Your feet stink.
[Sniffing.]
Whoa! Are you showering? Yeah, with soap and everything.
By any chance, would "everything" be a dead seal? Hey! Are you guys just getting here? No, we're on our way out.
Oh, that's too bad, 'cause Marigold and Anna-Kat could What is that smell? It's, um No, no, no.
You know I like finding the smell.
[Sniffing.]
[Sniffing.]
- Oh, my.
- Mm-hmm.
I know.
Now I'm gonna have to tell everybody I gave a goat a ride.
Hi, Marigold.
Hi, Mrs.
Otto.
Just call me Katie.
Can't.
So, is Taylor inside the club? Marigold loves Taylor.
Doris, you cannot force Taylor to babysit for you.
I need a break.
I've been with her all day.
It is 10:15.
She's so boring.
Doris! Don't you have a nanny? Two, but they're taking care of my other children.
How many nannies do you want me to have?! Fine.
I'll take care of her by myself.
[Water running.]
How's it going in there? Anna-Kat: Great.
No need to come in and check! Now I have to come in and check.
That's how I got caught with pot in my flashlight.
"No need to check if it works, Mom!" What are you doing? You weren't supposed to come in.
Why aren't you in the shower? I'm scared.
- Of a shower? - Of the water.
Since when are you scared of water? - They sunk the unsinkable Slocum.
- [Water stops.]
A fire started in the Lamp Room.
The lucky passengers drowned.
The rest burned to death.
Anna-Kat less reading, more video games.
Titanic, the Lusitania Water kills.
Is that why you wanted to leave the club? So you didn't have to go to the pool? Yes.
And I'm not showering, either.
Oh, baby.
Don't be scared.
We'll figure it out.
[Sniffs.]
Ohh! Soon.
Real real soon.
Dad, a word? In the clubhouse, I was talking with Cooper, Tripp, and Weston.
Man, do your friends sound white.
Some of the guys were discussing the best college golf programs.
Your school came up.
I mentioned you taught there.
And the guys were really impressed.
So you're coming to say you weren't embarrassed by me for the first time ever? No.
Don't misread the situation.
It's about your jalapeño rating.
My jalapeño rating? What's that? It's a website students use to rank how attractive their professors are.
Oh, okay.
1.
5.
Is that out of 2? No, it's out of 5.
When is anything ever out of 2? Siskel and Ebert.
Who's that? Two guys.
Both dead.
Forget it.
1.
5 jalapeños, huh? Yeah, but who's really gonna see this thing? It's only limited to everyone who has the Internet.
All you had to say was "lots of people.
" There you are, Taylor.
I need you to watch Marigold.
What? No.
I'm supposed to play tennis.
Are you back-talking me? What?! N-No.
I-I just Great.
Then we're agreed.
See you at 6:00.
Don't forget to feed her.
I'm allergic to lots of stuff, but I don't remember what.
[Sighs.]
"Professor Otto looks like a beige sweater came to life and then threw up another beige sweater.
" Ouch.
I just spoke to Dr.
Ellie.
- Oh.
- She said exposure therapy is the best way to get Anna-Kat over her fear of water.
What if we just pour a splash of water on her face over and over until she's not scared anymore? That's called waterboarding, so no.
Why don't you just take her to the pool? She's always loved it there.
Just take her hand and slowly walk her in.
Or your hands.
You have hands.
She's not gonna do it with me.
You're her favorite.
Ah, I've always known it, but it feels so good to hear someone else say it.
Well, I'm glad someone is feeling good.
Do you want to hear what my students are writing about me? "What is with his sweaters? Does he herd sheep during his office hours?" Oh, Greg, get over your jalapeño thing already.
Get over it? That's not what you're supposed to tell me.
Whenever you're feeling insecure, I always boost you up.
But you like doing that.
For me, it is a lot of work and it doesn't come naturally.
Fine.
But will you please just take our daughter to the pool and help her get over her fear of water? [Sighs.]
I can't.
Why not? Don't get me wrong.
I am comfortable with who I am.
I am comfortable with the way that I look.
Except Except what? [Sighs.]
Except when I am in that bathing suit around those stupid women at that stupid pool.
Oh, honey.
You have nothing to be self-conscious about.
You're more beautiful than any of those women.
Incidentally, this is how you buck someone up.
And you can't let them get in your head.
You're right.
I'm being silly.
For you and for our smelly child, I'll get over it.
[Exhales deeply.]
Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry? Are you ready to make water your friend again? You sure this is the right thing to do? Dr.
Ellie's divorced.
She doesn't get everything right.
Mommy's gonna be with you every step of the way.
There you are, Taylor.
Marigold has not stopped talking about how much fun she had with you yesterday.
Yeah? Did she tell you that as a knock-knock joke? Guess how many I heard yesterday.
Knock-knock! 6,000.
That sounds like Marigold.
- So, I was thinking - I gotta go.
Marigold, look.
Taylor's playing tag with you.
And you're it.
Go get her.
I never thought I would say this, but I love how you're taking advantage of my daughter.
Taylor really needs to learn to stand up for herself.
I know.
She's a bully's dream.
- Mm-hmm.
- And pretty, too.
It always feel better to break the hot ones.
Tommy Bahama is never the answer, Dad.
It's 90% silk.
And it's sweet you think that's a good thing.
I have a plan to help you with your jalapeño rating.
It's vests.
It's not vests.
Come on.
[Sighs.]
Here we are.
The water won't kill you.
I won't let it.
That's what they said about the passengers on the Slocum right before they found out their life jackets were filled with sawdust.
They filled them with sawdust? And metal.
To save money.
Oh, God.
Why couldn't you just read Berenstain Bears? All right.
Just a toe.
Here we go.
See? Not so bad.
Not so bad.
Now just a little bit more.
[Splashing.]
[Gasps.]
Still not dead! One more step.
I think I can go all the way in, if you come with me.
All right.
Dear, sweet, forgiving cover-up, I'm afraid this is where we say "goodbye.
" Katie? Katie Otto? We never see you in the pool.
[Laughs.]
Oh, God.
Look at them.
They've never eaten a French-toast stick in their life.
Why don't you go in first and show me how fun it is? No! I'm only doing it with you.
Come on, Katie.
Why are you letting these skinny idiots psych you out? Just take the stupid cover-up off and get your well-rounded ass in the pool! [Watch chimes.]
Nope! Maybe tomorrow.
Katie: My cover-up got right to the point where my thighs meet, and then I chickened out.
I'm mad at myself for letting Anna-Kat down but even madder for letting those clavicle moms get in my head.
Clavicle moms? This is supposed to be covered in meat! Okay.
Well, getting into your head is what those women do.
They hate being in their own heads.
It's all Botox and daddy issues.
Mm.
They convinced me to use organic makeup last summer.
Dumb.
And I want to get in the pool.
I love being in the pool.
But it's the unveiling.
- Ugh.
- Ugh.
It's the worst! Totally.
Mnh-mnh.
Don't try to get in on this.
You two weigh less than my left boob.
[Both laugh.]
And it's the walk to the pool that I hate.
You're in nothing but a swimsuit, and everyone is watching every jiggle and shake.
- Hmm.
- [Smacks lips.]
I don't know.
Maybe I'm just being crazy.
Uh, you're not being crazy.
They're totally judging you.
- [Groans.]
- It makes them feel better - about their meaningless life choices.
- Mm-hmm.
The point is, you just got to sack up and get past it because Anna-Kat's stink is starting to become your stink.
Oh, yeah.
That's what that is.
[Hangers rattling.]
Anything? It's worse than I expected.
Total loss.
Everything is too conservative and out-of-date.
What about the turtlenecks? Oh, Dad.
Under a suit coat, they look sharp.
Do you want 1.
5 jalapeños for the rest of your life? Do you?! [Softly.]
No.
Okay.
Good.
Sorry I had to raise my voice.
Look at my outfit.
Nice, right? Keep in mind we're working with the same budget.
That's true.
How do you do it? All you need is one piece of good clothing to build an outfit around.
You mean like this? Stop! Listen.
If you have a Picasso hanging on your wall, everyone just assumes the rest of the art is equally priceless.
- Huh.
- See? I got this expensive shirt, which offsets these outlet pants and discount-bin sneakers.
You're right.
That shirt makes the whole outfit sing.
I took the liberty of using a generous gift card from a birthday-party swag bag and bought you - [Unzips.]
- this.
Oh, Oliver, thank you, but I really can't pull that off.
Uh, I think you're gonna have to return it.
- No.
- No? No.
You are wearing this jacket.
You are going to turn around your jalapeño rating or else I am going to the kitchen to eat your good almonds.
No! - Can I talk to you for a second? - No.
- How do you do that? - What? Say "no" to people like that.
Doris is totally gonna stick me with Marigold again.
Teach me how to be a jerk like you.
First of all, I'm not a jerk.
I'm more like a lovable scamp.
Second, see this thing right here? Yeah.
Talk to that.
It appears you're looking in their eyes, but you're not, so you can't tell if they're hurt or mad or anything.
You just say whatever you want.
And that works? [Sighs.]
With everyone but Mom.
She's the only person in the world who cares less about people's feelings than I do.
Ooh! Garment bag.
Fancy.
Yeah.
Oliver used some gift card to buy me a jacket.
I think he's trying to improve my jalapeño score.
- Let me see it.
- Yeah, here.
[Unzips.]
[Gasps.]
Whoa! It's like Ryan Gosling, but a jacket.
I know, right? But I can't wear it.
It's really not my style.
What do you mean? Because it's not the color and texture of twigs? - Hey! - Get over yourself and put it on.
- Hmm.
- Mom! We have a problem.
I tried to comb Anna-Kat's hair, and the brush got stuck.
Her hair is all matted.
You didn't take her to the pool.
I'm going to.
She's growing dreadlocks! People will think we're neglectful parents or, worse, that we want our kids to have dreadlocks! Tomorrow, I'll take her to the community pool in Norwalk.
For 5 bucks, you can use the pool all day.
Yeah, and they throw in pinkeye for free.
Why are you being like that? Because I'm supposed to get over wearing this jacket, but you can't get over wearing a bathing suit to help our daughter de-stank? [Scoffs.]
She's not that dirty.
I don't even remember eating rice.
Oliver: Look at this.
Look at what this family has become.
You're all going to the pool tomorrow.
You're wearing that jacket.
You're wearing that bathing suit so she gets in that pool! And you want me to stand up to Doris, right? I don't care what you do.
But the rest of you, I'm trying to make connections, secure internships, and you're pulling me down like three crazy anchors.
Just like Lena Ackerman was pulled down with the Slocum when the water of the East River claimed her as its own.
Okay.
Enough of that.
Tomorrow, we go in the pool.
And, by the way, you're not so normal, either.
When you were 7 years old, you were obsessed with seeing me naked.
Today, we are showing this club what the Ottos are made of.
Whenever we're walking as a group like this, I like to imagine we're doing it in slo-mo.
I think we look really cool, but other people probably just think, "Man, they sure bring a lot of crap to the pool.
" Okay, we'll see you at the pool.
All right, Taylor.
Looks like you're up first.
There will be people like Doris out there your entire life.
- Don't worry, Mom.
I got this down.
- Hey, guys! Hi, Doris.
Marigold.
So, Marigold had such a great time with you, we were thinking a sleepover may be in order for you gals! Uh-huh.
Uh, you can gossip, she can braid your hair.
But don't braid her hair.
[Muffled.]
And apply her ointment at 6:00.
And here's her overnight bag No.
[Normal voice.]
Excuse me? You can't keep bullying me into babysitting your kid! But you're best friends.
No, we're not.
She's like 7 years younger than me.
- Technically, I could be her mother.
- That's just not true.
- But you said - No buts! You birthed her, you play with her! And a lip wax wouldn't kill you.
- [Gasps.]
- All right.
All right.
Let's just go ahead and break it up.
Marigold, you come with me.
I don't want you hanging around with her anymore.
Wow! Honey! You did it! And you also just made a very powerful enemy.
I don't care.
I love the new me.
I'm gonna tell Emma's under-nose that she sucks at tennis.
I don't think I can do this.
Come on.
The only jackets I've ever worn have been part of a suit or a classic blue blazer.
Without matching slacks, this feels unsafe.
Let me tell you a story.
You remember when we first moved to Westport, and I was going through that [Whispers.]
Harry Potter phase? I remember a lot of robes getting caught in car doors.
Then Mom bought me that pair of red pants.
I felt like a complete idiot wearing them.
And yet you had no problem wearing the Sorting Hat to school.
The point is, look at me now.
The pants worked.
Now you go make that jacket work.
Thanks, Dad.
I wanna see your peacock Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock? What you waiting for? It's time for you to show it off Don't be a shy kinda guy, I'll bet it's beautiful Come on, baby, let me see what you hidin' underneath Peacock, eh-oh Oh, oh, oh-eh-oh Did you see me?! I crushed it! I went out there, and heads turned.
You did great.
Place is abuzz.
[Beeping.]
Don't look back.
Play it cool.
Crushed it.
Here's the plan.
We are going to get in and get over ourselves.
Okay.
[Indistinct conversations.]
Coast is clear.
[Whistle blows.]
Everyone's got to shower! What?! Everyone has to shower before getting in the pool.
Well, that's stupid! [Dramatic music plays.]
If Taylor can stand up to Doris and Greg can wear that ridiculous jacket that I'm pretending he can pull off, then I can do this.
I've got nothing to be ashamed of.
But if I'm being totally honest, I'm a little ashamed of Greg in that jacket.
Okay, honey, we're gonna do this together.
Together.
I don't think I can do it.
Baby, we've come all this way.
We're not giving up now.
If I don't jump in right now, I don't think I ever will.
[Sighs.]
Screw it.
One, two, three! Ohh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh Hey! - We did it! - We did it! [Laughing.]
You're a rock star! [Whistle blows.]
- [Both laughing.]
- Why was I avoiding this? It feels so good, swimming with my favorite child, laughing, not worried about what anyone thinks.
I got worked up for nothing.
[Whistle blows.]
You are banned from the pool! You are 16 years old! Shut up! I mean, who are they to judge me? Nobody should judge anyone.
Plus, my face is so much better than theirs.
Oh-oh-oh Honey, I am so proud of you for getting in the water! Thanks, Mama.
I'm glad I did it.
I was really starting to stink this morning.
Yeah.
We went from B.
O.
to petting zoo.
I'm going to go take a shower.
Great.
But first, run these down to the wash.
You mean in the basement? Yeah.
That's where the washing machine is.
I can't down there! The basement is underground! I could end up buried alive like those Chilean miners! 33 men trapped for over 2 months.
They barely escaped with their lives! How do you know about that? I read it in my new book, "Trapped Below: Death in the Darkness.
" Greg! I handled the water issue.
This one's all you! Okay.
Let's say goodbye to that 1.
5.
Show me what you got! Give me pouty.
[Camera shutter clicking.]
Give me strong.
[Camera shutter clicking.]
Give me sexy.
[Camera shutter clicking.]
Back to strong! Back to strong! [Camera shutter clicks.]
[Beep.]
All right! I'm back! Shh! - I g - Shh!