American Housewife (2016) s01e22 Episode Script

Dude, Where's My Napkin?

1 Katie, I just heard the news.
I sold my book proposal! They're going to pay me to write my book! Congratulations! And the publishers are sending a cash advance and everything! Amazing! And I thought of a title "John Stuart Mill and the Consequences of a Thoroughgoing Empiricist Outlook!" Help me out here.
I'm losing steam.
I sold my book! Yay! Let's have a special dinner tonight.
It'll just be us.
And Anna-Kat.
And the other two.
It'll be a regular dinner.
Yay! That sounds great.
I'll I'll see you back here - in a couple of hours.
- Oh.
But you just got home.
Where are you going? Yeah, I-I want to get a jump on my book.
You can't do that from the study? It's, uh, just I have to go, uh There's so much noise here.
Potential noise.
I'll be back for dinner.
Katie: Greg has been acting odd lately uncomfortable and avoiding eye contact, like when he has those dreams where me and his mom are the same person.
What is going on with him? Hey.
I don't have much time.
I told my wife I'd be home for dinner.
Oh, okay.
Want a drink? Yeah.
And Celeste has the kids next week, so I figure why not take some time to reset and get in touch with the inner Angela.
- Mm.
- So many other ladies have met the "inner" Angela.
- Why should you be left out? - Ha, ha.
Why don't you guys come with me? A spiritual retreat could be just what we all need.
- Who's in? - I can't.
My children need me.
- I'm behind on "Homeland.
" - Oh.
And I don't believe in all that spiritual hocus pocus.
If that chanting stuff worked, Boyz II Men would've called me up on stage and had me sing "Motownphilly.
" Hmm.
So now can we talk about me? Because Greg has been acting weird.
How weird? For the last couple of months, he's been all cagey with his phone, and I could swear sometimes he smells like perfume.
Do you think he's having an affair? [Gasps.]
Greg is such a boy scout.
He's a [bleep.]
Eagle Scout, Angela.
- Get it right.
- Oh.
Listen, if you want to make sure he's really not cheating, check his wallet.
If he's having an affair, he'll have receipts from hotel rooms and dinners that he cannot account for.
That's how Celeste found out about your affair, isn't it? Yeah, she found out all sorts of things I couldn't account for.
And then she found a video of me in Tracy Marino's pool house.
And then, I was accounted for.
Hey, guys, Dad sold his book.
You know what that means, right? Ugh, John Stuart Mill.
My bedtime stories are going to take a serious nosedive.
Yeah, but it also means they might have some extra money.
I know.
I already have my eye on a Vespa.
And I want some of those expensive ripped-knee jeans.
I want a puppy! Hang on.
If we ask for a bunch of stuff, we'll get nothing but Mom's speech about that kid who got everything he asked for and ends up either dead or not having use of his arms.
Maybe if we decide on something we all want, we could get one big present out of them.
We just have to unify.
Normally I'm very anti-union, but under these circumstances I feel it would be wise.
I'm in.
How about we just ask them for hugs? Those wouldn't cost them anything.
I want you to go to your room right now and think about why what you just said is so wrong.
Greg, can you come in here for a second? - [Door opens.]
- Hey.
What's up? Were you going through my wallet? You have been acting really weird lately.
And the girls got me all crazy and told me to check your wallet for receipts to make sure that you weren't messing around behind my back.
And I was sure I wasn't going to find anything.
But then, I found this.
Oh, the bar receipt from last night.
When you told me that you were working.
I know you have a simple explanation, and you weren't with another woman.
Okay, I was with another woman.
Oh, my God.
I'm bypassing anger and going straight into acceptance.
You take Taylor and Oliver, and I'll take Anna-Kat and the Camry.
I was with Celeste.
Angela's ex-wife Celeste? Yeah, she's been helping me with my book proposal.
You know she's an editor.
And, I might add, a lesbian.
I can't believe you lied to me.
How long has this been going on? A couple of months.
She's a great sounding board.
I didn't tell you because I didn't want to put you in a weird position with Angela.
I'm the good guy here.
How so? Normally, when people get divorced, they side with the one who gets wronged, but you sided with the bad guy, Angela.
I decided to go with the good guy, Celeste, because I'm a good guy, and the only reason I lied to you was so that you wouldn't have to be a bad guy to Angela.
So, if you think about it, I'm not just a good guy, I'm a triple good guy.
Stop putting things into perspective.
Well, now that you know the truth, we should all go out and celebrate together.
I can't.
Angela made it very clear that Celeste is off-limits.
Angela doesn't have to know.
Celeste is the woman who made it possible for you to not have to hear about the philosophies of John Stuart Mill for the last two months.
- You owe her.
- My God, that woman is a saint.
She should be in the "Unsung Hero" issue of People magazine.
Okay, I'll go, but just for one drink.
One drink it is.
With somebody who loves me Oh, I wanna dance with somebody I wanna feel the heat Greg? I have no saliva.
Why are we still in our clothes? What happened to us last night? I don't remember anything after those Blazeball shots you ordered.
Why? I was feeling nervous about Celeste and I was trying to break the tension.
I got a pedicure? Oh, honey, that's not all you got.
I haven't given a hickey since high school.
Well, you made up for lost time.
I can't be seen like this.
I am impressed with myself.
That's some real passion there.
Oh, my God.
Did we do this? Like so many things about last night, I-I just don't know.
[The Champs' "Tequila plays".]
It's hard, but the cheese is good! Why can't I remember anything? [Sighs.]
We blacked out.
Oh, honey, is this your first time? That's adorable.
Don't worry.
I'll help you through it.
You got to hydrate.
Flashes of the night are going to begin to come back to you.
Usually it's the stuff that makes you go, "Why?!" Oh, move.
It's my turn.
Oh, no.
My jacket's ruined.
Wait a minute.
I'm remembering something.
What? Last night I came up with the perfect opening line for my book.
I wrote it on a napkin.
It's not here.
I got to find that napkin.
Without the perfect opening, I have no book! Oh, this feels so good.
I'm going to go call Celeste.
Maybe she'll remember something.
Taylor: Hey, Katie.
What did you just call me? Katie.
After last night, you told me to call you that.
Remember? Taylor? Are you awake? Mom? You're so pretty.
Mom, what are you doing? "Mom"? "Mom" is so formal.
Doesn't sound like us.
I want us to be best friends.
Call me Katie from now on, okay? I remember that.
You used to be such a good liar.
It's sad.
All right, Anna-Kat and I have been talking.
She's gotten past the puppy, and we figured out a gift that'd be good for all of us a trampoline.
You in? Absolutely.
You know what's cute? A puppy on a trampoline.
You know what's a drain on this family's already limited resources? A puppy.
Well, we should've asked for the trampoline last night.
Mom got super drunk and would've given us whatever we wanted.
But this morning she doesn't remember a thing, so Maybe we did ask Mom for something last night, and she just doesn't remember saying yes.
Wait, when did we do that? We didn't, but we're going to say we did.
[Laughs weakly.]
Still doesn't get it.
Come on, I'll explain as we walk.
Mom, we need to talk to you about something.
Remember last night when you came home from celebrating with Dad and you promised us a present because he sold his book? Totally.
So, when do we pick out our Puppy! Puppy, huh? Mm-hmm.
That's what you said we could have.
Okay, no matter what state I was in, I would never agree to a puppy.
Maybe a 15-year-old rescue dog who's got a few months left in it, but never a puppy.
Wait! No, no.
She meant trampoline! She wants to name it "Puppy" she's a weird kid! - [Door closes.]
- Well, we tried.
Right, guys? - [Sighs.]
- Yeah.
I looked for that stupid napkin everywhere.
I'm so itchy.
It's probably your turtleneck rubbing against your hickeys.
- You know about those? - I watched it go down.
They left more of a mark on me than they did on you.
[Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" plays.]
How many hickeys is she up to? Oh, well, one for every "hand-jive" Greg does, so, uh, six.
Keep it going, girl! Mama needs a few nights off! You remember all that, but you don't remember the opening line of my book? You scribbled something down on a napkin and you yelled, "I'm a literary God!" And then you heard Lady Gaga and you ran back to the dance floor and you screamed, "I'm a little monster!" How did I even know that? Mm-mm.
- I'm so embarrassed.
- Yeah.
Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm a little late.
Doris: No, don't worry about it.
So, what'd you do last night? Greg and I went out to celebrate his book being sold, and things got a little out of hand.
"Sloppy" is the word that comes to mind.
Clearly "shower" didn't come to mind.
So, you two just decided to go out big? Yep.
Just the two of us.
Just me and Greg.
All night.
Me and him.
Me and my man.
No one else? Not that I remember.
Well, let me see if I can help you fill in the missing details.
Does this ring any bells? Where did you get that? Celeste's Instagram.
You're friends with Celeste on Instagram? No, but Gunthar Eriksson, a profile I created to lightly stalk her, is.
We did run into Celeste.
but it was only for a minute, and I gave her the cold shoulder and I moved on.
Which shoulder? This shoulder? The one she has her head on? So busted.
Can I take a look at that? Last night is a little blurry.
I just need to see exactly what I'm guilty of.
Here, here, and here, you're guilty of being a bad friend.
Does that help you? Okay, obviously I saw Celeste.
But I didn't want to.
It's all Greg's fault.
He kept in touch with her.
You drank a shot off her belly.
It was understood that you weren't gonna see her.
There was a ban on Celeste.
Just like there's a ban on us going to Murray's Frozen Yogurt because you had into a disagreement over the definition of "unlimited toppings.
" I was one punch away from a free yogurt.
But we don't go there out of respect for you.
But it looks like you have no respect for me.
Don't be like that.
In my defense, you weren't even supposed to find out.
Typical Katie Otto.
Excuse me? You know, when I was just getting to know you, I thought your whole "me first" thing was charming.
But it's not.
You tune out anything that doesn't have to do with you.
You're so selfish.
You do what you want, when you want, without giving a damn about anybody else.
- Whoa.
- You want to talk selfish? Please! You're the one who made your friends choose sides when your marriage fell apart because you couldn't keep it in your skinny jeans! Right, Doris? This iced tea is good.
- That's how you feel? - Mm-hmm.
You know what? Be friends with Celeste, because you're not friends with me.
I'm done with you.
Ditto! "Ditto"? Not a strong ender.
What are you doing? Maybe I threw the napkin in here when I was drunk.
That's a stretch.
Hey, we found your bra in the fridge.
Anything is possible.
Last night created such a mess.
I just got in a huge fight with Angela.
She called me selfish.
This is all your fault.
- My fault? - Yep.
You just had to be friends with Celeste.
And you just had to have me hang out with her.
You're right.
I did have to be friends with Celeste, because I needed a sounding board for my book and every time I asked you to be that for me, you wouldn't.
That is not selfish.
That is just self-preservation.
Katie, I know it's unpleasant to hear, but Angela's not wrong.
Sometimes, you can be selfish.
I am not selfish! [Retches.]
Is that the sound of my hungover husband throwing up in the bathroom? I should help him.
I'm sure he wants his privacy.
Look at me, making you a snack.
Not just any snack apples with peanut butter.
And I cut them into little boats.
- Would a selfish person do that? - No, Mama.
Of course not.
Then again, I'm your kid and if you don't feed me, I die.
Eat this and go play with your brother and sister.
I can't.
They're not talking to me.
What's going on? They're mad because I asked you for what I wanted instead of asking you for what we all wanted.
Puppy instead of a trampoline? Well, you can see why they might be a little mad, right? But I just did what you always do get what you want and then tell the other people to go fudge themselves.
That's what Mommy says.
- Greg! - [Gasps.]
- What? - [Sighs.]
You weren't moving.
I thought you were dead.
I'm trying to re-create my lost opening line.
You want me to help you? You don't want to.
I know.
But the difference is now, I want to want to.
I'm sorry that I didn't take an interest in what you were working on.
Thank you.
That means a lot.
I'm not even going to mention what's going on with me, because that would be selfish.
And this moment is about you.
I appreciate that.
Maybe if I close my eyes and clear my mind, the line will come back to me.
[As Greg.]
Gee, Katie, you seem kind of blue.
What's going on with you? [Normal voice.]
Maybe talking about me will jog your memory.
I'm sorry.
I usually go to Angela with this sort of thing.
I need to get Angela back so she can tell me how to get Angela back.
- Just call her.
- I tried to.
She's not picking up the phone.
She's avoiding me.
Then go find her at the retreat.
Oh, my God, the retreat.
How do you know about that? Celeste told me because she has the kids all week.
Oh, if only I'd listened better, I would know that.
[Tranquil music plays.]
I came to apologize.
No, I can't apologize? Shhhhh! - Don't shush me! - We're in a silent retreat! - Silent like no talking? - Shhh! Do that one more time and see what happens.
Again, you are totally self-focused.
You have no awareness of what's going on around you.
I am trying to apologize.
Well, you're doing a bad job.
Just leave before you get me kicked out.
I'm sorry, too.
You forgive me? You want to join me? I'm not suddenly someone else.
So, Angela's good as long as I don't see Celeste and you two sneak around behind my back again.
I'm fine with that.
I was gonna miss sneaking around.
It makes me feel dangerous, like when I swallow my gum.
Did you ever remember the opening line to your book? Gone forever.
Those words of genius and why my toenails are painted remain a mystery.
Oh, wait a second.
I know that color.
That is Princess Pop Pink.
It's from Anna-Kat's Make-Up Molly Kit.
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Daddy? What are you doing awake? Go back to sleep.
Well, now that you're here, let's do spa day! I've never wanted to do anything more! I need some tissue to separate your toes.
Will this do? Perfect.
Anna-Kat, do you have that napkin from my spa day last night? If I find it for you, can I have a trampoline? Anything.
Guys, you can't be mad at me anymore! I got us a trampoline! Eh.
Oh, God, I remember everything.
I wanna feel the heat with somebody Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody With somebody who loves me Oh, oh Dance Come on, baby [Laughs.]
- Dance - Ooh! Yeah