American Housewife (2016) s01e23 Episode Script

Can't Hide It Anymore

1 Katie! It's Sage.
I wanted to see if you'd volunteer at the Fall Festival.
I've got a five-hour block on the lunch-lady line.
Sloppy Tofurkey Joes! How can you say "no" s? [Chuckles] I rhymed.
Call me! Ooh! The Fall Festival.
- Delete.
- [Cellphone beeps] Katie: It's not easy avoiding mandatory volunteering for an entire school year, but I do it.
I do it for moms everywhere.
We slave away for free every day.
Why should we perform unpaid labor? Katie! Just seeing if you can volunteer for the Winter Festival.
Can't talk just swallowed a bug.
Got to run home and get it out before it lays eggs.
Just send a message.
But you never return my messages.
Sounds good! [Groans] [Knock on door] Sage: Katie? Are you there? The school year's almost over, and you have to complete your mandatory volunteer hours.
I know you're in there, Katie.
The hood of your car is hot to the touch, so I can tell you just got home.
Katie, if you don't complete your hours, the kids will stop looking up to us as role models, - and then they'll turn to drugs! - [Doorbell ringing rapidly] Okay, I just have to stay quiet for five more minutes.
Then the sprinklers go on.
Hey.
Listen to the intro I just wrote for my book.
"Scholars have, for years, thought they'd squeezed all they could out of Elizabethan philosophy" Greg, does this ever work out well for us, when you read me smart things you wrote? Sometimes, in order to avoid it, you sleep with me.
So yes.
Didn't you just do laundry? What you don't understand is, I'm always doing laundry.
Except for when I'm doing dishes, which is ceramic laundry.
But I'm actually giving these clothes away to needy children.
Aww.
Oliver wore this at his first birthday party.
Back when he didn't mind that we bought his clothes from Costco.
[Chuckles] Angela got suckered in to volunteering for the children's clothing drive.
Sage cornered her because Angela's not as sneaky as me.
I'm just gonna save this.
You never know.
If you are talking about having more kids, I do know.
I am one year away from Taylor being able to drive everybody to school.
That's called retirement, man! I don't know.
It'd be nice for there to be six of us.
You know, so we can fill the toboggan at Splash Mountain.
Not have some creepy stranger ruining our picture.
Great reason to have a baby, Greg.
Don't you miss having a little one around the house? That baby smell and those little socks? And that look they give you when they take their first steps and fall into your arms? Yeah.
And they always say "Mama" before they say "Dada.
" That is true.
Hey, can you two knock it off? And then they learn to talk, and it all goes to hell.
I'm upstairs, going over my ballet routine, and all I hear is you two blathering away.
- Hey! - No "Hey"! My recital is coming up, and if I don't do well, I don't advance to the next level.
And then my plan to get a ballet scholarship into Harvard is over over! Wow.
You are one angry whatever a male ballet dancer is called.
"Ballerino.
" That can't be it.
I have to work harder than the other kids because they started much earlier than I did because their parents wanted them to succeed in life.
Okay.
I know you're under a lot of pressure with this recital, but if you ever talk to us that way again, you're gonna go to Harvard, but as a cadaver in their medical program.
Mother/daughter selfie! - [Camera clicks] - [Chuckles] Are you posting that on Instagram? Of course.
Why else would you take a picture? Mm.
I forget how photogenic I am.
It's unreal.
You guys ready for school? - All: Yes.
- Did you make your bed, like I said? - No.
- I did.
Did you put your homework in your backpack, like I said? - No.
- I did.
That's why you're my favorite.
Now, you two, go upstairs and do what I said.
- Did you brush your teeth? - Both: Yes! No, you didn't.
Anna-Kat, watch 'em.
[Sighs] Oh, look the Chosen One has decided - to grace us with her presence.
- Huh? It's bad enough you're the favorite.
Don't pretend to be humble, too.
Mom likes us all the same.
If she could only save one of us in a flood, it'd be you.
She'd let us drown like sewer rats.
Hey.
I don't want you guys to be mad at me.
I won't be Mama's favorite anymore.
- [Scoffs] - Too late.
You'll always be her favorite, and there's nothing you can do.
That's not true.
When I'm done, Mama will hate me just as much as she hates you.
Oh.
Thanks.
This mandatory volunteering is the worst.
Is it even legal, forcing people to volunteer? I think they rely mostly on people's shame, which is why they've had such a hard time with you.
Well, I just have three weeks left.
I can't believe you let Sage catch you.
She was lying in wait for me at the bottom of the rock-climbing wall at the gym.
- You're giving Mr.
Horsey away? - Mm-hmm.
What if we need him? For what, Greg so that your old treadmill has a buddy to talk to in the garage? I'm just saying you never know.
Ohhh! No "Ohhh.
" And stop saying that.
The baby factory is shut down, despite the fact that there's still tours on weekends and anniversaries.
[Gasps] - What in the world is that? - This? Oh.
This is Celeste's old empathy belly.
When I was pregnant with our kids, she wore this fake baby bump so she could feel pregnant along with me.
Does it make your feet swell and have you pee down your leg a little bit all the time? No, but if you turn it around, it makes your butt really popular with a specific audience.
I'm gonna wear this to Second Breakfast.
I can't wait to see the look on Doris' face.
Yeah, Doris' shocked face is the best.
What the Oh, my God.
That is hilarious! [Laughter] I am committing to this and eating a large breakfast.
Can you even imagine if this was real? You'd come in with your diaper bag and try to breast-feed your baby.
I'd spend all breakfast trying not to sneak a peek at those giant fun bags.
[Laughter] Don't worry I'm done.
I'm finished with having babies.
because the problem with babies is, they become kids, and kids always need something from you when you're watching TV.
I can't believe Greg wants another one.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Greg hasn't had a vasectomy? - Nope.
You mean, you haven't had him [Clicks tongue] Can't do that.
His nads are my Dead Katie Insurance.
Is she making sense, or did my edible from last night not wear off yet? Okay, If I suddenly die, Greg is gonna need to marry someone to help him raise our idiot kids.
And no halfway-decent woman is going to sign on for that unless she can have her own baby with him.
Mm.
I'm looking for the flaw in that logic.
But I can't find it.
Well done.
Uh-oh.
Incoming.
Sage rounding up more volunteers.
[Whispering] Oh, God.
Katie! [Chuckles] Gotcha! [Laughs nervously] Did you hear Sage, Katie? She gotcha.
Sage, have you been getting my messages? Let's not do that, Katie.
I need someone to help the school nurse return the medications to the kids the last week of school EpiPens, inhalers, ADD meds, ADHD pills Ooh, I'll do it.
All pills are logged and accounted for, Doris.
Then, I'm busy.
I'm putting your name down.
You have to arrive at school at 7:00 a.
m.
Hold that thought! I think I see the Latin guy from "CHiPs.
" Oh, my God, Katie! You're pregnant! Oh! No.
[Chuckles] I'm not really I mean, I thought you might be, but I didn't want to say anything.
Oh, really? Well, just so you know, Sage You can't be working in the nurse's office when you're pregnant.
That's basically as dangerous as vaccinating your children.
I'll just mark your volunteer hours as "complete.
" Me and my unborn child thank you.
Why are you still wearing that ridiculous thing? Sage let me out of my volunteer hours, an old lady let me cut in line at Trader Joe's.
and no one complained when I took double samples.
Being fake pregnant is the best! Wait you got out of your volunteer hours - because Sage thinks you're pregnant? - Amazing, right? Because, really, these volunteer hours are a war on women.
There seem to be a lot of wars on women when you don't want to do something.
All I have to do is ride out this pregnancy till the end of the school year, and then people will forget all about it.
Forget all about your missing baby? Yeah.
You are out of your mind.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna do the "I Love Lucy" cheese-baby trick.
I'm not familiar with that, but it doesn't s Lucy carried a fake baby made of cheese to get a seat on an airplane, but then ate the whole cheese baby on the flight.
When the woman asked, "Where's the baby?" she was like, "What baby?" I'll just do that.
Wouldn't it make more sense for you to say you're a surrogate or something? Katie.
No.
Katie Surrogate! That's perfect.
Love being married to a genius.
Now, can you go get the kids? I can't because sometimes, Sage volunteers at pickup, and I'm dying to take this thing off.
I can't.
I'm working on my book.
Okay.
Fine.
You say you want another kid, but here you are, sending your wife out on errands, eight months pretend pregnant.
Mom, we've got to move.
I can't be late for ballet.
Today is our dress rehearsal.
I need to work on my grand jetés! Bring it down, "Black Swan.
" I'll get you there.
Why can't you be nice, like your big sister? I am nice.
Oh, please! You think she's nice because she made a fake Instagram account.
- Shut up! - Fake what? Don't listen to him, Mom.
He's just a jerk.
I am a jerk.
And I bask in it.
I'm keeping your phone until there's a full investigation.
You can't take my phone away! It's not the end of the world.
Yes, it is! How would you feel if you were my age and I took away your poodle skirt? How old do you think I am? [Sighs] Anna-Kat! Come on! We're late! I don't answer to you! What's gotten into her? Oliver, go get Anna-Kat.
I can't get out of the car.
I can't risk twisting my ankle this close to my big performance.
Are you serious? Fine.
Taylor, go get your sister.
Oh, I would, Mom, but I might get lost, and I don't have a phone to call for help.
15 is such a bad age.
Back in the day, we would've married you off and gotten a couple of goats in the bargain.
[Grunting] What is going on with you, angel? I'm not an angel! I don't have time for this.
Anna-Kat, get in the car.
Right now.
Katie?! You're pregnant? Uhhh looks like it.
Tara: Well, it must be a girl, 'cause you're carrying it all over your body.
[Chuckling] A baby?! Why didn't you tell us? Well, because I wanted to keep it a secret from everyone.
[Whispering] Since I'm a surrogate.
You're a surrogate?! [Normal voice] Yes, I am.
For a very brave woman who lost her ovaries in the war.
It was like "Pow!" And I didn't want to brag or let anyone know how good a person I really am.
[Sighing] Oh.
I am so happy for you! [Chuckles] Oh, and that brave soldier.
[Voice breaking] I think I'm gonna cry! [Laughing] Ohh! I actually feel a little bad about tricking Suzanne.
I don't know how, but she's grown on me.
But it's balanced out by the enjoyment I get from making Tara Summers think I'm a good person.
Ha ha! [Grunting] [Sighs] Stupid thing! - [Gasps] - Doesn't fit! Katie: This is her real account, Greg.
She has a fake one for us and a real one for who knows who.
Where did she even get those shirts? We never bought her anything that skimpy.
She used scissors to cut the perfectly nice shirts that we got her from Old Navy.
Isn't that Anna-Kat's shirt? Oh, she's dead.
Hey, little troublemaker! Come in here right now! Don't do that thing where you're too nice.
I won't.
Watch.
We are so disappointed in you.
You lied to us.
- See? - Mm-hmm.
I never lied.
I just didn't tell you about the other account.
And it's not a big deal.
All the other kids at school do it.
I just wanted a little privacy.
Privacy?! You have 900 followers! Only 900?! I'm already being unfollowed! Okay, we're gonna go to your room, and we're gonna throw away anything that an Amish teen would not be allowed to wear.
- To church.
- Come on! Go on, now.
Anna-Kat, what are you doing? Drawing on the wall.
That won't come out.
I know.
It's Sharpie.
I guess I'm not your favorite anymore.
I'm not saying that, but I don't want you to do anything like that ever again.
Ever! Told ya still her favorite.
Don't be mad at me because you're not cute anymore.
She what? Suzanne is insisting on throwing you a baby shower.
Did you tell her that was totally unnecessary? Mm-hmm.
She wouldn't take "No" for an answer.
[Groans] Snack's ready! Hey, why didn't you guys plan a shower for me? - You're not pregnant! - Because it's a fake baby! Are you two here to tell her she's crazy for this fake-baby stuff? It's not crazy.
You kids look at the small picture.
Us adults look at the big picture.
And the big picture is you faking being pregnant to get out of volunteer hours? I'm the adult, you're the child.
You don't get to judge my questionable judgment.
Now, eat your sandwiches.
I'm on a hunger strike until I get my phone back.
What is this peanut butter and jelly?! It's going straight to my hips.
Do you want me to end up at Cornell? Is that what you want? - Ow! - Now go to your room! - [Scoffs] You're not my mother - Ow! All right.
I'm going.
You bet you're going.
She should not be around children.
I pinch with these two fingers.
Leaves no marks.
Your kids are either going to be C.
E.
O.
s or serial killers.
I am willing to take that gamble.
[Chuckles] [Classical music plays] Angela: Ooh! Unh-unh! Real pregnant women only drink in private, Katie.
[Whispering] This is the best thing ever.
They're throwing a shower for a hunk of memory foam.
Katie, I have to say I have a whole new respect for you.
Go on.
What you're doing is so selfless.
It's a side of you that, to be honest, I didn't think existed.
Well, that's what you get for judging people.
Me I don't judge.
I love with an open and honest heart.
Oh.
Just felt a kick.
[Chuckles] [Both gasp] May I touch your belly? - [Slap] Ow! - Oh, I'm sorry.
It's just that I'm a surrogate and it's not my baby.
I would let you, but legally, I'm not allowed.
You remember the famous Supreme Court case Dinty vs.
Moore? - Oh, yes, I read about that.
- Mm-hmm.
Katie, I'm so happy to be doing this for you.
I felt like when we first met, it took us a while to click, but now we're clicking! Actually, Suzanne, I feel the exact same way.
Thank you so much for this party and for letting me bring little Anna-Kat.
Oh, of course.
- She is such a cutie.
- [Chuckles] She is, isn't she? She's my Stop it! I am not your favorite! And this isn't a baby! [All gasp] [Chuckles nervously] Well I guess I'm just gonna Uh yeah.
You see, this is really funny.
I don't see anything remotely funny about pretending to be pregnant.
Of course you wouldn't, Tara.
I mean, everyone with a sense of humor would see that this is funny.
- Right? - [Chuckles weakly] Katie, why would you do something like this? I didn't do it to hurt anybody.
I just did it to get out of mandatory volunteer hours.
We all hate volunteering.
I don't.
Well, Sage, you're an unusual woman.
Seriously, Katie.
You didn't have to let me throw you a baby shower.
Yeah, but when do we all have the chance to get together? When we volunteer at school.
Right.
I think it's best if you go.
Suzanne! Okay.
I understand.
Angela and Doris, see if you can bring the presents to the car.
Why did you do that, Anna-Kat? I was finally making some progress with the ladies in this town, and now I'm back to square one.
I don't want to be your favorite anymore.
What? Why not? 'Cause it makes Taylor and Oliver mad, and then they're not nice to me.
So I did things to make you upset, and nothing worked.
So I lifted your shirt, hoping you wouldn't like me anymore.
Sweetpea I will always like you.
I will always love you.
But if I put you in a bad spot with your brother and sister I'm sorry.
And I won't do it anymore.
You promise? I promise.
No more favorites in this family.
I'm treating you all equally.
Thanks, Mama! Of course! Anything for my fav Anything for you.
[Giggles] [Scoffs] Mom! I need my phone back! No! Where are my tights? I can't find my tights! - They're in the bathroom.
- I just looked in there! They're on the shower rod.
Mom, if I don't continue my Snapchat streaks, I'm no different than the girl with the striped tube socks who reads books at lunch! - Do you want that for a daughter?! - Is she available?! [Shrieks] You're so unfair! I'd try to help you, but I'm not her favorite anymore.
Shut up, or I will lock you in the basement.
- Not the basement! - Taylor, don't say that! You know she's afraid of the basement! Duh! That's why I'm saying it! How many times do I need to tell you don't "Duh" me! - Talk to your children! - About what? Do I have to figure out everything around here?! - I don't know what's happening! - [Sighs] My tights are damp! My tights are damp! Just put them on wet.
They'll be dry by the time we get there.
- You don't know that! - I know everything! Now, everybody! Get in the car! [Gasps] What's this doing here? I got it back from Angela, because, you know Don't say "You never know.
" I know.
The kids know.
Even Mr.
Horsey knows, Greg.
How are you not smarter than Mr.
Horsey? [Sighs] Why are we even here? We're supporting your brother.
I want to go home.
We all want to go home.
Everybody in this place wishes they were at home.
They're just too polite to show it.
Maybe they just like children.
I don't understand why you don't even want to talk about it.
If this last couple of days has taught me anything, it's that I'm done.
Which means we are done.
[Tchaikovsky's "Waltz of the Flowers" plays] [Chuckles] What is this? Well, it's beginning ballet.
Who else is gonna take it? [Music continues] [Laughter] This is the cutest thing that I have ever seen.
Some days, as a mom, everything goes wrong, and you just can't take another second.
But all it takes is one good moment to erase the 10 million crappy ones.
Maybe.
- Three cameras and mark! - Uh-huh! [Laughing] [Vocalizing] And I thought of a title "John Stuart Mill and the Consequences of a Thoroughgoing" Mm.
Amazing! And I thought of a title "John Stuart Mill and the Consequences of a Long-Term" - Okay.
- Amazing! [Laughing] Spoken like a man - who came across the ocean - [Chuckles] [Laughter] - Help! - Director: Cut! You want me to go in sooner, honey? We are trying to celebrate Valentine's Day over here I am so mean.
- Am I too mean? - [Laughter] - Director: Still rolling.
- [Laughter] Greg, have you ever thought that maybe you're just being mean? I don't know how to get down.
[Whimpers] What was he talking about? Why does Don think that we have um What was he talking about? Why does Don What was he talking about? What exactly does Why does Why exactly [Laughs]