American Housewife (2016) s02e01 Episode Script

Back to School

1 Katie: You did it, Katie.
You made it through the summer.
- Taylor: Mom! - Oliver: Mom? These kids have been up in your face for 68 days in a row.
And now you get to place them in the custody of the Westport public school system.
- Anna-Kat: Mom! - Mom! Where are you? It's like you're a warden, and you're transferring these delinquents to another prison.
All you have to do is get them there.
Let's do this.
[Footsteps approaching] - Mom, a word.
- No words.
We've gotta get to school.
- Mom - No.
But I didn't even ask anything yet.
It's either too expensive or I don't have time.
- Mom? - You cannot have a dog.
You didn't swear this time! You're softening.
Greg! Can you help me find my car keys? How do you manage to constantly misplace There's probably a better time for that talk.
I'll help you look.
Mom, I got another run in my tights.
I'm in a real ballet academy now.
For God's sake, buy a boy a decent pair of Danskins! - Mom - Mom, my driver's license test is in two weeks, and I need someone to take me out to practice.
Can't drive without car keys.
Everyone fan out.
Mom, I need to look professional.
My plan of getting into Harvard through ballet could be lost, all for the want of a proper leotard.
Well, my plan for smoking cigarettes and eating takeout every night was ruined by you, so we're even.
I need you to take this seriously.
My teacher has already taken an instant and strong dislike to me.
What happened to my little boy with the beautiful little girl's voice? Eh.
- Both: Mom.
- What?! Look at this picture of a corgi dressed as a banana! Eh.
Don't play me.
You know it's cute.
Have you picked your after-school activity yet? I told you, I'm not doing one.
Greg! Greg: Anna-Kat, it's fun to be involved.
Now that school's started, I can't wait to be part of the recycling committee again and hang with my crew.
You mean the janitors? And Bill Doty.
You guys, worst fan-out of all time.
Look for my keys in a place that I'm not already looking.
Taylor, do you got your summer packet? Yeah, I have it.
I just didn't do it.
You realize you're talking to the mean parent, right? Just hear me out.
I've decided I'm not going to college.
Greg! Taylor, you are going to college probably not a good college, but college.
I just don't think it's right for me.
I mean, it's a waste of my time and your money.
Well, that's not your call to make.
So, until you finish your summer packet, you're not gonna start driving.
Katie: Hold up! [Laughing] Greg.
Stop fooling around.
Of course you're gonna start driving.
And your father's going to teach you.
Can you go put on a shirt that doesn't look like it's Hooter-issued? And look for my keys.
Whatever happened to "never overruling one another in front of the kids"? You are ruining my master plan.
Master plans are for villains in the superhero movies you drag me to, claiming the art-house films I want to see are somehow always playing at "bad times.
" You do not understand my carpool schedule this year.
At 2:45, I pick up Oliver and Anna-Kat from school.
Then I drive Oliver all the way to Norwalk for ballet lessons and wait in the car with Anna-Kat for 40 minutes, playing "I Spy.
" Then I pick up Oliver again and go all the way back to pick Taylor up from volleyball and then drive everyone home.
So, I have a three-pronged plan.
Prong one Get Anna-Kat into a club so Taylor and her can be on the same schedule.
Prong two Oliver's ballet teacher breaks his spirits fingers crossed he quits, joins baseball, and the three of them are on the same schedule at the same time.
- And prong three? - Here's prong three.
- Ready for prong three? - You know it.
When Taylor gets her license, she can drive them to school and back.
And then I'm free! Do you hear me, Greg? - Free! - Chest hairs, Katie.
And then I can take a step back from mothering, finally enjoy my life and pursue some hobbies, like sitting in the bathtub with a glass of wine.
- Is that - It's a hobby! Look it up.
Anna-Kat: I found your keys! Where were they? Right there.
Who hung my keys on the hook? How am I supposed to find anything around this house if people put things back where they belong? Anna-Kat, I need you to pick a club from this list.
It's important to be involved in school.
If it's so important, how come you're not involved? She makes an interesting point.
Is this payback for overruling you? - Yes.
- Okay.
Tell you what, I'll get involved if you do.
Really? You're going to volunteer at school like "all those no-life, busy-body, idiot moms"? Yep.
Right after I start watching how I speak in front of you.
I am here to volunteer.
Maybe it's best I start small.
Ziploc Committee? Bring Ziplocs Maybe the cute little snack-sized ones.
To hold snacks.
What are you doing here? Last year, you pretended to be pregnant to get out of volunteering.
You are still hung up on my fake pregnancy? You let me throw you a baby shower.
- And took the gifts.
- That's a lie.
Sage, you're a liar.
You're using the diaper bag I gave you as a purse.
Katie, just go away.
Your volunteer hours are no good here.
I don't get it.
You guys forgave Stacy Clouser, and I heard at the Spring Gala that she attacked you all with a crab claw and said she hoped all your real noses grow back.
Well, that was different.
She was having a nervous breakdown from being the Gala Chairperson.
She had to move back in with her parents.
She has to wear tube socks taped to her hands.
Oh, and you can tell Greg he's no longer on the recycling committee.
Why? What did he do wrong? Married you.
[All giggle] Sage, I have seen how hot your babysitter is.
It's only a matter of time.
You got me kicked off the recycling committee?! Recycling isn't even real, Greg! They make you separate all your stuff and then dump it all together in the same landfill.
Don't say that! You promised you'd never say that again! I just got an e-mail with the roster for the next recital.
My teacher's not dancing me.
I'm not getting danced! How am I supposed to get into Harvard if I'm riding the pine? Maybe she knows that you don't love ballet and you're there for the wrong reasons.
You know what I love? Recycling! How'd you miss that? How many times do I have to tell everyone in this house? I have an overly-round eye.
Hey, you're not the only one going through something.
They banned me from volunteering at school.
They did? Great.
That means I don't have to join a club! My master plan just went to hell.
I'm gonna be spending most of my life in my car.
"Katie, let's get married and start a family.
" "You know what, Greg, I'm flattered, but no.
" Coulda said that.
I was sure Stacy Clouser going bonkers would've knocked my fake pregnancy off the front page.
I was at the Gala, saw the whole thing.
It was awesome.
She was yelling at the seafood tower, then pausing, like it was yelling back.
- [Laughs] - [Sighs] Prong one of my plan is falling apart.
I got to get Anna-Kat into a club, and to do that, those moms need to let me volunteer.
Doris, you used to work in crisis management, right? I did.
I called myself "The Fixer.
" Couldn't get anyone else to do it.
It was the one thing The Fixer couldn't fix.
So fix me.
What can I do? Okay, uh first step gain sympathy.
You check into rehab.
- Mm.
- Uh, no.
- Okay Say your stepfather hit you.
- Or stepmother.
A woman can be just as abusive as a man.
Weird moment for feminism, Angela.
Okay.
Well, then, all that's left is the Internet.
Make a public apology video like the celebrities do.
- Yeah.
- Be all sad and remorseful.
Well, it's either humiliating myself or driving around with Anna-Kat all afternoon.
I spy with my little eye The stain on the back of the seat.
How did you know? It's always the stain on the back of the seat.
Let's make that video.
- Hi, guys - Doris: Too peppy.
You're gonna have to look more remorseful.
Can you cry? No.
Angela, make some tears.
- Oka All right.
- Okay.
Okay.
Let's just Okay.
And action.
Ladies of the volunteer committee.
I am taking this opportunity to say Cut! Doris: What's the problem? I am not comparing myself to Hitler.
I wrote "Hitler of Westport.
" That's different from Hitler Hitler.
- Recreational paint huffer? - Yes.
You know what? I'm not saying any of this stuff.
I'm just going to be straightforward.
Press the button.
[Camera beeps] [Sighs] Hey, guys.
I messed up.
I hope that you can forgive me.
Especially you, Suzanne.
Not so much you, Tara.
Anyway, I'm super-sorry that I faked being pregnant and I exchanged the bassinet you gave me for a margarita machine.
Now say you have Lyme Disease.
I'm not saying I have Lyme Disease.
No Lyme Disease, no Hitler Do you hear yourself?! Greg: We'll go the abandoned Circuit City in Norwalk so you can practice driving in the parking lot.
To avoid danger, you always have to be aware of what's ahead of you, both on the road and in life like a college education, for instance.
Dad, it just doesn't make sense for me.
- Or for you.
- How so? You really want to have to pay three college tuitions? Oliver's getting a dance scholarship.
No.
He's using ballet to get into Harvard.
No one said anything about a scholarship.
You're going to be on the hook for like $500,000.
You're not looking at what's ahead.
I guess I wasn't.
No.
Dad! Oh, God! [Tires screech] [Car door opens] Aww, he held on to his little flag.
[Chuckles] - [Somber music playing] - Anyhow, I'm super-sorry that I faked being pregnant and that I exchanged that bassinet you gave me for a margarita machine.
I have Lyme Disease.
[Tear drop splashes] This is terrible.
You left me no choice! Look at your face.
It didn't look apologetic at all.
Why didn't you show it to me before you posted it? I thought you're supposed to be good at what you did! Uh, thinking about it now, I'm not sure if I quit my job to have kids or if I got fired then decided to have kids.
- [Doorbell rings] - [Sighs] Just great.
You don't get back in with the moms, and I don't get back on the recycling committee.
Who's going to make sure all the cans and jars are rinsed out? Nobody, because it's nonsense, Greg.
It's right up there with washing fruit before you eat it.
Suzanne.
I saw your video on Facebook.
Can we talk? This is hard for me, because I'm a nice person.
Yeah, and I, too, am a Lyme's survivor.
Hmm.
[Sighs] The reason you feel like you don't fit in with me and the other moms has nothing to do with us and everything to do with you.
You don't want to fit in.
I don't think that's true.
You're constantly mocking us for being healthy and active and involved at school when, Katie, those are all very normal things.
- Suzanne - No, let me finish.
You think that you're the one who's being judged, but you're the one, Katie, who's doing all the judging You.
You're the one who looks down on us.
You don't wash our fruit?! Suzanne says that I look down on them.
I'm the snob? The nicest thing that I own is a purse that's actually a diaper bag that I had to steal.
How dare she! Can you believe she said that? Sex on the table tonight? No.
Well, you do kind of judge people for what some might consider admirable behavior, like eating healthy, exercising, recycling.
We should go to a recycling plant.
I hear that they let unicorns lead the tours.
You know what? We're not gonna talk about recycling.
It's too hot a topic.
How are you doing with Taylor's driving? Um Shouldn't you be more concerned about Taylor not wanting to go to college than learning how to drive? If Taylor doesn't learn how to drive, then my master plan is going out the window.
Greg, if I have to keep driving as much as I do, I swear [Tires screeching, heroic music playing] [Music trails off, splash] Well, at least your car will be clean.
Hmm.
You know, if you ever want a car of your own, you're going to have to find a good job.
And the only way to do that is college.
[Sighs] I saw on YouTube that in the future, all jobs are going to be done by robots.
So why bother going into debt for a worthless degree? Maybe a robot can do some jobs, but not all jobs.
- Not my job.
- Yes, your job.
- [Scoffs] - Your job already.
A robot cannot be a professor.
Remember you were so proud that the university recorded your lectures to show online? - Mm.
- Think about it.
Now they can stream them forever.
[Chuckles] Face it.
Robot you is putting real you out of a job.
- [Tires pop] - Oh! Fudge it! A robot wouldn't have done that.
[Classical music playing] Beautiful work, everyone.
Nice form.
Oliver, round out your arms.
Lift your chest.
Oh, forget it.
You look like a lollipop having a seizure.
Okay, class.
[Claps] Pliés.
Nicely done, everyone, except Oliver.
Okay, that's it for today.
[Music stops] Oliver, honey, you really have been working your butt off.
I told you.
What do you think I'm doing in my room every night with the door closed? Mom! You're 13.
I don't know.
I'm practicing.
First, I was just doing it to get into Harvard, but now I kinda love it.
You're like a "Bachelor" contestant who goes on the show for fame, but by the end is in it for the right reasons.
She's really hard on you, huh? I've been telling you.
- She has it in for me.
- I'm sorry.
I feel so bad for not believing you.
It's okay, Mom.
No, it's not.
I'm gonna go talk to her.
Even though keeping him in ballet will officially be the end of my master plan.
Watch out.
She's horrible.
No one's more horrible than your mother! Hi.
I'm Katie Otto, Oliver's mom.
Okay.
I was watching, and it looks like you're being harder on him than anyone else.
Are you doing that thing where you challenge him so he rises to his potential? No, that's not what I'm doing.
He doesn't have what it takes.
I saw him, and he does have it.
I'm not wasting my time on some spoiled kid.
If you would have said "arrogant" and "obnoxious," you would have been right, but he's not spoiled.
Maybe he is just too good for you and your stupid class.
[Exhales] Did you just bump me? [Chuckles] Don't make me go "Black Swan" on you.
What, you're gonna go crazy and stab yourself with a piece of glass? Is that what happens? I didn't see the movie.
It's always showing at a bad time.
Class is over.
You need to go.
[Laughs] You clearly do not have a sense of size and proportion.
[Laughs] Don't let the leotard fool you, honey.
[Sighs] I really thought I had you until you got me in that leg-lock.
You have some powerful thighs.
I like the way you used your breasts as a weapon.
Thank you.
I just assumed Oliver was one stuck-up kid doing ballet as a dare or something.
But now that I've met you, I know I had him all wrong.
He's not from one of those good families.
- No.
He is not.
- [Sighs] You know, he does have some real potential.
I watched "Flashdance" when he was in my womb, so I take some credit for it.
Just because Oliver is from Westport, I had all these preconceived notions about him.
You know I've also been told that I judge people from Westport.
I suppose I owe him an apology.
Yeah.
I owe some people an apology, too.
Sage: Before we finish up, I just want to congratulate this year's volunteers.
- Give yourselves a hand! - [Applause] But there's still one more chairperson position to fill.
Takes place in the spring Oh, come on, now.
The Spring Gala's fun! [Chuckles] The doctors couldn't definitively link - Stacy Clouser's breakdown to the - [Door opens] Oh.
Hi, everyone.
It has been brought to my attention that the problem I have with so many of you so many is not actually with you.
The problem is with me.
[Inspirational music plays] I mean, I should not judge you.
Who cares if you only volunteer to justify not having jobs to your rich husbands? [Music distorts, stops] That came out wrong.
- [Music resumes] - I'm not saying what you do at the school isn't important, because it is.
Like when you all painted that mural celebrating Diversity Day with all the different ethnicities that this town doesn't have.
[Music distorts, stops] That sounded judgy.
I heard it.
[Music resumes] This is not going well.
I guess there's only one way back into their good graces.
I will give back the diaper purse.
[Music stops] No? Fine.
I'll chair the Spring Gala.
- [Screams] - [Applause] This is a good start.
I'm so proud of you, Katie.
[Laughs] This job is going to consume all your time and energy.
It will hang over your head the entire year, keep you up at night, and, ultimately, destroy you.
I'm so happy.
[Laughs] Stupid says what? - What? - Ha! It wasn't my best comeback, but I got to get home to make dinner.
Katie: How was the driving lesson today? Apparently, I'm going to be replaced by a robot - and we need four new tires.
- [Sighs] It doesn't matter if Taylor drives anyway.
Not only do I have the worst volunteer job there is with the promise of a public nervous breakdown, but the Spring Gala will take up any free time that I already had.
I'm sorry, honey.
I'm gonna have to become what I hate the most an over-involved, no-life, busy-body, idiot Westport housewife.
Bright side, I'm back on the recycling committee again.
Congratulations bi-weekly meetings in a school basement with three janitors.
And Bill Doty.
Let's do this.
Hey, you guys can't come in here without knocking! [Laughs] You're adorable.
Go! Until you come up with a plan on what you want to do after high school, college is still the current plan.
And I talked to your teachers, and you need to be done with your summer packet by the week's end.
And if you don't do it, there's always boarding school.
We all know we can't afford boarding school empty threat! You guys are being so unfair! Ooh.
We're "unfair.
" - Nice job.
- Thank you.
I just have to face it I can't take a step back from mothering.
I'll just phone in being a wife.
- Understood.
- Mm-hmm.
I'll take this one.
Anna-Kat, ponies down.
We need to talk.
I signed up for volunteering.
You are going to sign up for an after-school club.
And, FYI, this is the last time I negotiate with an eight-year-old.
Anna-Kat: That's so unfair! - Ooh, we're two for two.
- Mm-hmm.
Let's go into Oliver's room.
We should probably give him some warning before we go in.
[Both coughing] Well, here we are, at Oliver's room.
- Let's go in.
Yeah.
- Let's talk to him.
[Classical music playing] [Music stops] Looking good.
Just practicing for the recital next week.
I've been moved up to premiere danseur.
- Well, that's great.
- You know what? You deserve it.
Thanks for sticking up for me.
Oh, honey.
[Chuckles] That is what I'm here for.
Huh.
Who'd have thought today that our pain-in-the-ass kid would be our best kid? What I like most about being a parent - is that things change all the time.
- Mm.
That's not true.
I just want all this to be over.
I know the Spring Gala has this reputation for being awful, but come on, how bad can it really be? I'm sure they're exaggerating this whole Stacy Clouser thing.
Shrimp! Shrimp! There's not enough shrimp! - Oh! - It's okay.
- You call yourself - Honey, I know.
a Better-Business-accredited vendor? You're garbage!! I'll be fine.
Right?