American Housewife (2016) s02e05 Episode Script


1 Greg, honey, drop the hammer.
We all know this ends with you having a hook for a hand.
I'm putting a nail on the door so someone can hang a "Boo" on it.
[Door opens, closes.]
Katie: Here we go The Halloween Boo.
As the tradition goes, a week before Halloween, a member of Westport's "in" crowd sneaks up to their "victim's" house and hangs a Boo and leaves a gift bag of candy where it's discovered the next morning.
In a normal town, this would be a fun community tradition.
But in Westport, it's a popularity contest.
Leave it to Westport to ruin everything.
We got Booed! I'm somebody now! Then the family who got Booed gets to Boo another family.
And so on We've never been one of those "And So On" families.
And every time I think we've hit rock bottom You two, your fault.
- Oh, my God, Carol! We got Booed! - So did we! [Both screaming.]
I'm so happy for us! Carol, you're getting divorced! Relax.
[Door slams.]
And now let the Boos roll in.
Oh, Greg, we're not getting Booed.
Don't you understand? This whole town is like high school, only our family has braces and headgear.
I had braces and headgear and rosacea.
I was still very popular.
- Really? - Yes.
Everyone knows the hall monitor.
[Leaf blower whirring.]
Oh, come on! This is the third time this month that guy has blown leaves into our yard.
I'm gonna go make a scene like I did at that rental-car counter.
- Film it this time.
- I'll deal with him.
Sure, if "dealing" means getting nervous, sweating, and mumbling nonsense.
Greg's not the greatest at confrontation.
Hey, I saved that table with my sweater on it, and those people moved it to the communal table, where the weirdos sit.
Why don't we just sit outside? It's cold out, and there's pigeons and people walking by giving me that "It's too early to eat a hamburger" look.
Besides, it's a sweater on a chair.
That's a classic table save.
Well, I'll just tell them to move.
Are you sure? [Scoffs.]
I got this.
Excuse me.
That table's on my wife's sweater.
On the chair.
I meant that table's on my wife's table aah chair.
What I've been trying to say is We'll eat in the car.
Okay, I hear you, but I can handle this.
It's just a little convo with the neighbor's gardener.
It's coo'.
- I really pulled that off.
- Mm! [High-pitched screaming.]
Anna-Kat! Honey, what happened? Why'd you scream? It wasn't me.
It was Oliver.
I jumped out and scared him.
Oh, it wasn't a scared scream.
It was more of an excited scream, like [High-pitched scream.]
"There's my little sister.
I missed you.
" Dude.
This sucks.
I have plans to go to Cooper Bradford's haunted house this year with Alice McCarthy.
What am I gonna do? I scream like a girl.
And not a brave girl, like Wonder Woman.
I'm like the girl that Wonder Woman saves.
I overcame my fear of water by going into the water.
Maybe Oliver needs his own immersion therapy.
That's actually not a terrible idea.
Uh, no, it is.
- Go for it, Anna-Kat.
- Roger that.
Anna-Kat, please, I ask you not to do this.
Right, because you want to be surprised when I scare you.
- Smart.
- No, because I don't want you to do it.
Do you feel like a good mother right now? Hey, not all parenting decisions are home runs.
What the hell?! I thought he said it was coo'.
[Door closes.]
I thought you were going to deal with the gardener.
He sees me raking with my mad face.
I think he's getting the message.
I'll take care of it.
[Leaf blower whirring.]
[Whirring stops.]
Costume check! Get 'em on and line 'em up! One thing I've learned is if you're going to survive Halloween, you have to do a costume check seven days in advance so you don't end up at Sue-Ann Fabrics at 8:00 p.
on the 30th.
[Women screaming.]
Hands off! My kid changed her mind about her costume, and I'm running off half a pizza Lunchable! Back off! All of you! Oh, now, that looks great! A princess! So much better than that drowned zombie from last year.
No, I'm going as a zombie princess.
Grand-Duchess Anastasia of the Romanov family.
She was murdered by the Bolshevik Secret Police mid-1918.
There were rumors of her escape, but I'm not buying it.
Just as long as it doesn't involve me having to go to Sue-Ann Fabrics at the last second.
I still have not recovered from last year's rotator-cuff injury.
You see this? This is as high as I can go with my arm.
[Door opens.]
Look at you! Let me guess a nerdy, young Silicon Valley dork.
These are my school clothes, Mom.
And I have no need for a costume.
Because the scare therapy is not going well.
[High-pitched scream.]
It's rubber.
Like your pants should be.
- [Screams.]
- [High-pitched scream.]
I waited in that bathroom hamper for three hours.
I now know things about all of you I wish I didn't.
You're getting over your issue with being scared, because you're not going trick-or-treating with me and Anna-Kat.
It only takes us 20 minutes.
We hit two houses, then I take her to CVS and buy all the crap on sale.
Look at you! You're so - pregnant.
- [Chuckles.]
I know, right? I got invited to do the group costume this year, and we're all going as "Norwalk Prom Girls.
" - [Chuckles.]
- [Chuckles.]
Funny, but no.
Go find another costume.
What? No.
This is what all my friends are going as.
- There is no other costume.
- Oh, there's another costume.
When I was a kid, I wore the same burlap sack three years running.
First I was an Indian princess, then a peanut, then just a sack.
So you need to think of something else, or it's going to be "Norwalk Prom Girls" and their friend "Potato.
" Give me the baby.
[Balloon pops.]
Greg: Guys, get down here quick! My fellow Ottos, today is a proud day.
I think it was the orator Cicero I swear to God, Greg, if you teach me something right now We've been Booed.
- No way! - [Gasps.]
My poster was right.
Dream it.
Believe it.
Achieve it.
Oh, hi! We just got Booed.
No biggie.
I thought you didn't care about getting Booed.
I don't.
Don't be ridiculous.
Come on.
Okay, maybe I care a little.
Ladies notice anything different about me? - Oh, it's just water weight.
- You waxed the lip.
What?! No! I got Booed.
Wait, what? You got Booed? Oh, yeah.
I thought you said Boos were the dumbest [bleep.]
thing you've ever heard of.
I was just quoting her! Clean your mouth out! [Chuckles.]
I wonder who Booed you.
I don't know.
It's a secret.
- Code of the Boo.
- Hmm.
Well, I've never been Booed.
You think that has something to do with people being afraid of your attack dogs? - That's not fair.
They're not attack dogs.
- Mm-hmm.
They're just untrained dogs who bite people.
- Hmm.
- Why haven't you been Booed? Oh, I'm a black woman in Westport.
I'm not about to let people start nailing things to my door.
Fair enough.
Here, check this out.
I took 22 pictures.
Not that I care.
It's a dumb Boo.
I think I know who Booed you.
- Who? - Chloe Brown Mueller.
I saw those crystal pumpkins in the window of her shop.
That's crazy.
Why would Chloe Brown Mueller Boo me? We hate each other.
Ha-ha! Your ticket's more expensive than your car.
Over here! Quick! This one's expired! Oh, no, no, no! Wait! I'm right here! Also, it's a little in the red.
You bitch! It can't be her.
Maybe someone bought the pumpkins from her store.
No way.
It's one of those vanity shops Westport housewives open so they can say they have a career.
- No one's bought anything from there.
- She's right.
It's on the same street with the other vanity shops, like the one that sells $40 macaroons.
- $40? - Mm-hmm.
Macaroons are garbage cookies, and everyone knows it.
- [Chuckles.]
- You know what I think? Chloe Brown Mueller sent you that Boo because you are now Spring Gala Chairlady.
Yeah, you're stepping up socially, and she wants to make peace.
- You really think so? - Mm-hmm.
Well, you know what? If Chloe Brown Mueller can extend an olive branch and Boo me, the least I can do is accept it.
In fact, I'm gonna go thank her right now.
If you haven't heard, I got Booed.
I don't know what that is, but my grandma just died, and they made me come in anyway.
Stephan, stop telling everyone your problems! [Sighs.]
Maybe Angela's right.
Maybe I have climbed socially.
Oh, good to see you.
Oh, your little baby is adorable.
[Soft music plays.]
[Doorbell chimes.]
Maria! A customer! Ew.
What are you doing here? I came to thank you for the Boo.
The Boo? The Boo.
Oh, come on.
Don't play dumb.
I know the truth You Booed me, girl! I'm here to accept your peace offering.
Oh! You thought I Booed you! Oh, my God! Boo you?! That is rich! Which you are not.
Look, I know that it was you because the stuff in the Boo came from your store, and nobody ever shops here.
Maria! Out front.
Maria here obviously made a mistake when delivering my Boo.
She must have thought your house was the neighbor's garage because it's so small and filled with junk.
I'm saying your house is small and your stuff is junk.
I got it.
Actually, it was just a mix-up in the address.
I'm sorry for the confusion.
You have a very lovely house.
Maria, please insult Katie's house.
- Um - Now! I don't like your house.
Good one, Maria! But seriously, I'm gonna need my Boo back.
Chloe, who has two thumbs and hates your guts? Every woman in this town except Kari Gurlack, who lost one of hers in a garbage-disposal accident.
- Too soon.
- [Doorbell chimes.]
[Door closes.]
I didn't mean to deliver it to the wrong house.
Ohh, this is just embarrassing, Maria.
And so is bringing an entire sleeve of Ritz crackers to work every day and eating them in the bathroom like an animal.
I know about that.
I just want to go home.
Oh, Maria you're like the sister that I never had.
Oh, hey, Mom.
I've been thinking.
Since I'm not allowed to be a Norwalk Girl for Halloween, I'm gonna go as this ladybug instead.
What do you think? [Sarcastically.]
Oh, sure.
This inappropriate sexy outfit is the only other costume available in the whole world.
Gee, I guess I'll have to let you go as a pregnant prom girl after all.
I can't tell if you're being sarcastic.
You can't tell if I'm being sarcastic? Are you being sarcastic? - Now I'm confused.
- Let's start over.
Find another costume.
How was the Zombie Run? Amazing.
I tagged out more runners than anyone else.
And you want to know why? People see Frankenstein, and they think "slow.
" Always bank on people underestimating Frankenstein.
Will you at least just think about it? We both know I won't.
You never understand! Taylor, I'm already dealing with the fact that we lost our Boo.
I do not have the mental energy for a costume fight right now.
Everyone else's parents are fine with them being pregnant! [Shoes clomping.]
- Do I need to - No.
I got it.
So, what were you saying about losing our Boo? Turns out it was a mistake.
Chloe Brown Mueller meant it for someone else.
Are you upset? I thought you didn't care about getting Booed.
I was lying, Greg.
It's cute you still don't recognize when I do that.
It's just my whole life I was the popular one.
You should have seen me in high school.
I was the "it" girl.
Everyone knew me.
Oh, you were also a hall monitor? And in our old neighborhood, our house was the place everyone wanted to hang out.
But that hasn't happened here.
So I finally just accepted it wasn't going to.
And this Booing made me think that things were about to change.
It's stupid.
It's not stupid.
And to make it worse, Chloe Brown Mueller knew it meant something to me.
She kept poking at me like a circus bear.
I'm not a circus bear, Greg.
I'm just a mom who wants to be loved by the people she hates.
Well, I better go give it back.
You're not giving anything back.
I'm gonna go let Chloe Brown Mueller know we're keeping our Boo.
That's sweet, honey, but you can't even stand up to the neighbors' gardener.
And Chloe Brown Mueller is the macaroon of people.
I don't care.
You're always taking care of things for me.
It's time I took care of something for you.
Go get her, honey! I know you can do it! He can't do it.
Yes, you can! Did I just correct myself out loud? You can do this.
Don't sweat.
Don't mumble.
Aluminum, linoleum.
Aluminum, linoleum.
She walked across the balcony explicitly mimicking his hiccuping while amicably letting him in.
[Buzzes lips.]
[Soft music plays.]
Did you really think Katie's house was lovely? Yes, I did.
Can I have Christmas Eve off? No.
[Doorbell chimes.]
Chloe Brown Mueller! Ohh, this is unsavory.
I'm Katie's wife life.
Wh Life Husband.
Life husband.
Why are you so disgusting and sweaty? [Heart pounding.]
What do you want, Greg? I'll tell you what I want.
[Pounding intensifies.]
Makeup's in my eyes! [Glass shattering.]
[Women exclaiming.]
I'll see myself out! [Grumbling.]
My treasures! My beautiful treasures! Why?! Why?! [Glass breaks.]
Look, Mom, I overheard what you said to Dad earlier about wanting to fit in.
And, honestly, our problems are kind of the same.
Is it really that important to you to be friends with these girls? I like them.
And they're a really fun group.
And I like them.
And they're really fun.
You made that clear.
Being invited to join this group costume is kind of like you getting a Boo.
I mean, I know it's just a stupid outfit, but it feels good to be included.
I get it.
- You can go as a pregnant prom girl.
- Yes! But I'm never letting you do anything like this again.
- One small suggestion.
- Yeah? For extra pizzazz, take one of Anna-Kat's dolls with you, and halfway through the party, tuck it under your arm and pretend you gave birth to a toilet baby.
Oh, my God.
You're an amazing mom! [Both laugh.]
[Door opens.]
So, um, how did it go? I accidentally pretty much obliterated the place.
I destroyed thousands of dollars worth of valuable items, and I have glass in my boots.
Did you film it? No.
You never film things.
I love that you went down there for me and tried to do something you're terrible at.
Plus, knowing Chloe Brown Mueller's shop is destroyed pretty much makes up for everything.
Just hearing you say those words makes the cut on my foot that's slowly filling my boot with blood worth it.
[Suspenseful music plays.]
[High-pitched scream.]
What the hell is going on?! I was hiding under the bed, then I grabbed him with an icy hand of death.
Anna-Kat, I put you to bed an hour ago.
Wow, that level of discipline and emotional detachment will have CIA recruiters drooling.
I can't go to Cooper Bradford's haunted house.
I'll humiliate myself.
Actually I have an idea.
I thought we had more candy than this.
You're not a good candy estimator, Greg.
All right, everybody, come down and show us your costumes.
Oh, honey! You look beautiful! Glowing, even.
Why do I want to kill whoever fake did that to you? [Deep voice.]
Bane is here.
- [Screams.]
- [Deep scream.]
[Normal voice.]
It works.
I sound like a dude.
Very clever.
I had to go back to the store.
Before you fight me on this, ask yourself one question Can you take a punch? For the record, that movie "The Purge" is based on Sue-Ann Fabrics on Halloween day.
Next year, costume check July 4th.
All right, Bane and Preggers, you've got parties to go to.
Come on, Zombie Anastasia.
Let's go trick-or-treating.
What the? Who would have Booed us? Boo.
Well, if you need me, I'll be at Chloe Brown Mueller's shop working off my debt.
[Water running.]
[Water dripping.]
[Camera shutter clicks.]
[Blows nose loudly.]
[High-pitched scream.]