American Housewife (2016) s02e06 Episode Script

The Pig Whisperer

1 NARRATOR: The Egyptian plover and the Nile crocodile are an example of a symbiotic relationship at its finest.
[HANS GRUBER SNORTS.]
So we're just watching TV with the pig now.
Is that it? Is this my life? Hans Gruber has a name, Mama.
We don't name food in this house.
- We eat it.
- [SNORTING.]
Mama, he doesn't understand that you're joking.
- I'm not.
- I promise you, sweetie.
No one is ever going to eat Hans Gruber.
He's a member of our family now.
Uh, Greg, honey.
Can you come join me at the window? Why? So we can look out.
- Oh, at what? - I want to have a private conversation.
Why are you so bad at this? [SNORTS.]
Okay, you stay.
You know that reoccurring fantasy I have where I accidentally get locked up in a mental hospital, and I get to spend three weeks alone in bed with no one bugging me? I'm familiar with your psych-ward vacation plan, yes.
Well, I'm this close to doing it.
How is it that we both said "no" to a puppy, yet you took it upon yourself to bring home a pig? Mama, guess what.
Hans Gruber and I have a symbiotic relationship.
I give him food, and he gives me love.
Amazing.
The pig has to go.
But we've gotten used to having Hans Gruber around.
This has gone on long enough.
Just fold already.
It's only a matter of time before he does.
What's that supposed to mean? Well, you always give in eventually.
Is that what everyone in this house thinks of me that I always give in? Well, guess what I'm not giving in on this one.
- Ever.
- Oh, "ever.
" So, then, tomorrow? What the hell? I can't get that pillow again.
That's a one of a kind from T.
J.
Maxx.
[SIGHS.]
This is me forced to eat my anger.
- [HANS GRUBER SNORTING.]
- [GASPS.]
[GASPS.]
Just give him the M&M'S.
Never! [CELLPHONE CHIMING.]
[KEYPAD CLACKING.]
Why are you sending slutty emojis to someone who isn't your nice, sweet boyfriend, Eyo? [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
- Who is he? - I'm not telling you anything.
Not a problem.
I'll just FaceTime him.
- Mom, give it back! - Mnh-mnh! Mom, give me back my phone! You know what? Fine.
His name is John Reese, and he's a senior.
A senior? If that's the best thing that you have to say about him - [SNORTING.]
- Ah, the McRib is back.
[GASPS.]
I'm gonna stay on you forever about this, Taylor! I'm like herpes! KATIE: What the hell comes out of your mouth sometimes, Katie? See, Mama? He's not expensive.
He eats garbage.
It's every mother's dream to have a farm animal consuming trash in her kitchen.
[SNORTING.]
You'll change your mind once I've trained him.
So, that's it? That's your plan train the hog? Yes.
Hans Gruber is an unconventional pet, but Anna-Kat has really bonded with him, and you know what? - So have I.
- Oh.
Yeah, I don't like the, uh, hillbilly factor, obviously, but I'm impressed that you're not folding.
I've never seen this side of you before.
Thank you, Oliver.
But Mom's not gonna put up with it much longer.
If you two decide to get divorced, I'll go with whoever doesn't get the minivan.
Katie? You're thinking about divorce? Just walk right in, Viv.
Don't worry about social norms.
We are not getting divorced.
Oh, thank God, because, Katie, divorce is not as good as you think it will be.
Even Greg might be better than no husband.
- Thank you, Viv.
- You're welcome.
Hey.
These are for you.
[GASPS.]
You bought me things? I wish I could buy things.
I have very little money.
It turns out prenups are legally binding, even if you dramatically rip it up during mediation.
Apparently, they make copies.
You and Alan had a prenup? We did.
I'm momentarily not as rich as I look.
I got the house but not a lot of actual money.
So, I was hoping you could teach me how to do laundry like poor people do.
Viv, I'm not gonna teach you remedial housekeeping.
Yay! Oh! You're doing it for me! Love it.
Oh, do I need a ticket or anything? No.
Okay.
Bye! [DOOR CLOSES.]
This is why having money is important.
Spencer Blitz doesn't do his own laundry.
D.
C.
O.
B.
"Dry clean only, baby.
" Spencer is the type of greedy, self-centered person we don't want Oliver becoming.
I can't believe you're still letting him work for that ex-con.
She wants you to fold on this, too, but don't do it, Dad.
Stay strong.
Hey, puberty boy.
Nobody asked you.
- [SNORTING.]
- Come on.
Come on.
Drop it.
[GERMAN ACCENT.]
Hans Gruber, you're a genius! - [GERMAN ACCENT.]
Ja, schwein! - [CHUCKLES.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Where you off to? Uh, I'm picking up dinner for me and Spencer from Tavern On Main.
I'm really excited.
I've never had a red lobster from a restaurant that wasn't named "Red Lobster.
" You seem to be developing a real friendship with Spencer.
Seems like that? Good, then it's working.
Soon, he'll think of me as the son he never had, and I'll become the sole heir to a huge fortune that he does have.
All that smile's missing is this.
Ooh, I like that.
I'm gonna use it.
Mama.
Watch this.
Sit.
Now, stay.
[SNORTS.]
Wow! I'm impressed.
Good work.
Here.
Go ahead.
- Open them.
- Are you sure? Yeah, Hans Gruber's got this down.
[SQUEALS.]
Just drop the M&M'S! KATIE: Never! Table looks beautiful, Oli-boy.
Go ahead and light the candles, will ya? Ooh, candlelight.
Hi, guys! What are you doing here? Oh, I pulled my hamstring while I was out running, and I had to stop to stretch.
I looked out the window, and there she was bent clear over, wearing the tightest pants I have ever had the pleasure of seeing a woman wear.
They're called yoga pants.
Yoga pants? They're very stretchy.
Oh, you're very stretchy.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Viv, sweetheart, don't you have some place you need to be? Oliver, sweetheart, I'm supposed to be here.
Spencer invited me to dinner.
That's my seat.
I'll just go get the Cristal.
[GASPS.]
Ooh, I love it! [GIGGLES.]
Viv.
Oliver.
I know exactly what you're doing.
You need a new rich guy, and you think you're gonna take mine.
Oh, I don't think it.
I know it.
Oh, yeah? What makes you so sure of that? Because only one of us has boobs.
Say goodbye to Oliver! SPENCER: Bye, Oliver! I have to be honest, Katie.
I thought it would be hard to be physically attracted to a 78-year-old man, but Spencer's so wealthy.
- I mean, I'm not a gold digger.
- No, you are not! But this gold is like right there, heaped up in a huge pile.
- You'd be crazy not to pick it up.
- I know! Did you do the yoga-pants stretch I suggested? [GASPS.]
That would've done it.
Almost doing it for me.
- Right?! - Mm-hmm.
It was you.
What's that now? You sent Viv over to Spencer's so she could squeeze me out of the picture.
I was his only friend in the world until this came along.
- Hi.
- It's not gonna work.
Spencer and I have something special together, and I'm not gonna let you two get between us.
Oliver.
Viv.
That car is gonna shine.
This kid knows how to take care of me.
Keep walking, blondie.
Whoa! Swingin' in there 'Cause she wanted me to feed her So, I mixed up the batter And she licked the beater I scream, you scream, we all scream for her Don't even try 'cause you can't ignore her She's my cherry pie Cool drink of water Such a sweet surprise Tastes so good Make a grown man cry Sweet cherry pie Oh, yeah She's my cherry pie I'm soaking.
Would you be a sweetheart and go get me a towel? Anything for you.
We're done here, Oliver.
Does anyone know what's inside this container of cream cheese? Someone wrote "This is not cream cheese" on it.
Mom, you've dated two guys at the same time before, right? Yeah, of course.
Wait.
No.
Ugh.
This is not cream cheese.
Hold that thought.
What are you doing? Fighting for my man.
I'm gonna introduce Spencer to the 21st century using the very Xbox Viv gave me.
Stay out of Viv's way.
She needs Spencer more than you do.
How do you figure? A woman like Viv, when she sees an opportunity to better her situation, she has to grab it.
She's only after his money, which is gonna be my money mine.
Oliver, for the last time [SNORTING.]
There aren't even M&M'S! - Hans Gruber! - It's not easy for me to jump up on this counter, Greg! You know I have a thing against jumping! I realize the dog-training-book approach isn't working, but I've tracked down someone who can help.
Do you remember The Critter Man? You mean that weird guy who got those baby raccoons out of the basement? And drove them all the way to Maine and set them free by that beautiful lake? Uh yeah.
That's what that guy did.
The Critter Man is gonna drive Hans Gruber to Maine to live with the baby raccoons by the lake? No.
He hooked me up with a pig whisperer.
If you're serious, I'm gonna drive you up to Maine to live by the lake.
We're not getting a pig whisperer! First of all, I don't even need a "first of all.
" We're not doing it.
I'm doubling down on training Hans Gruber.
Everyone expects me to fold.
This is me not folding! And you need to get used to me and Spencer being together.
You will not break us apart.
And I know how that sounds.
Now head into the jungle village and don't shoot anyone who isn't holding a gun.
This new technology's unbelievable.
That little girl hiding behind the well looks so realistic.
She's got a machete.
She looks so sweet.
I'll just shoot her in the arm.
Ooh, right in the forehead.
Hey, Spence.
You want to go play tennis with me out back? I never want to do anything else except play these new, high-tech video games.
Did you hear that, Viv? Who has the boobs now? Hey, Spence.
Do you want to go take a bath? Get out, Oliver.
Okay, first, you need to learn how to assert dominance.
Let him know who's in charge.
Never be the one to break eye contact.
Like this? Exactly like this.
Do not look away.
Do not show weakness.
You are in charge.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
Are you guys about to kiss? I don't know.
KATIE: I've solved my Oliver problem by getting him away from Spencer and Viv's problem by getting her involved with Spencer.
I've only got one problem left, and that problem tastes really good with barbecue sauce and potato salad.
Can't eat the pig, Katie.
We can't keep it, either.
It's getting bigger every day.
Seriously, Greg, just fold already.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
What are you doing? Nothing.
Kind of feels like you're doing something.
Nope.
Are you trying to pig-train me, Greg? Is that what this is? Shh.
Whatever this is, you shouldn't be doing it with the door open.
What do you want, Taylor? - Can I go to a party? - With who? - John Reese.
- Who's that? - He's a senior.
- You're dating Eyo! Yeah, I know, but I took Mom's advice.
What are you talking about? You told Viv to go for a senior.
I'm going for a senior, too.
Better parties, better social status.
I'm grabbing a better opportunity.
What did you say to her? I like Eyo.
He's a good kid, and we don't know the first thing about this senior.
You brought home a live pig! You can't keep playing the pig card.
Oh, I can.
And do you want to know why? Because it's a pig card! Ah! You're driving me crazy.
I must say, this is a refreshing change of pace.
What does that mean? Just that usually you're the one who does exactly what she wants, and I'm forced to deal with it.
- Is that so? - Yeah, it is so.
It is so, so.
It is so, so, so! We're doing a pillow wall tonight.
No.
My anger's too big for a pillow wall.
We're going toes to nose.
Greg, why do your feet look so good? Are you wasting our money on pedicures again? Katie, do you want to have the pedicure fight or stick with this pig fight? 'Cause I'm not folding on anything, and it's not a waste of money if it makes me feel better about myself.
[SCOFFS.]
I feel kind of bad.
I helped Viv get out of a loveless marriage, but then encouraged her to go for Spencer for no reason other than money.
If you break up Viv and Spencer, Oliver will run right back to Spencer.
But if you don't do anything, then you're teaching Taylor that love is just about status and money.
Ooh, you have to pick one child to save.
This is a real Katie's Choice.
So which kid are you gonna save? - I choose to save Taylor.
- Mm-hmm.
Because if I let Oliver go down the Spencer path when he's rich, he'll put us in one of those nice, retirement communities.
Not like that rat trap we'll have to put my mom in.
You guys have to help me break up Viv and Spencer.
Ooh.
Let's take Viv out tonight.
We can help her find someone else so she forgets him.
- Are you guys in a rush? - No.
Not really.
Good, because I need at least 20 minutes to complain about Greg and his stupid pig.
It makes so much noise, and it eats the garb This is a time where you can just zone out and let me talk.
- Cool.
- Cool.
Its snout is just the grossest thing in the world.
It's wet Viv, we are taking you out tonight, okay? We are going to meet some nice, eligible men.
Or maybe a woman.
Ooh, I tried that in college eight times.
It just wasn't for me.
It took you eight times to figure that out? - Okay.
- You guys, I'm fine! Spencer checks all the boxes.
He's rich.
There's really just one box.
- You need to find a good guy.
- Yeah.
Someone nice who you can fall in love with.
- Like Greg.
- Well, thanks, Doris.
But not Greg.
Not ever Greg.
If Katie dies, I call dibs.
- [SNORTING.]
- Not my bra, you stupid pig! Drop it! Katie, relax.
You're not supposed to yell.
[SNORTS.]
Use a low, calm voice.
In case you haven't noticed, I don't have one of those.
The pig has got to go! - No! - Yes! Ladies, I'm sorry you had to see this side of my marriage.
[SNORTS.]
Excuse me while I storm off with my pig.
[SQUEALING.]
I think I'm just gonna stick with Spencer.
Ah.
Doris, maybe you and I should go get some wine.
- And not come back.
- Yeah.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
Are you and Daddy okay? Honey, if two unplanned pregnancies, a houseful of lice, and a move to Westport can't break us up, nothing will.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMING.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
John Reese.
Okay, I need to talk to my girls.
That includes you, too, Viv.
In a relationship like in that nature show sometimes it's symbiotic and everything's perfect.
And sometimes it's parasitic and you want to throttle each other.
But the important part is the core of the relationship never changes.
I have been working on my core like crazy.
Different core, Viv.
Pay attention.
When I met your daddy, I knew he was the one for me.
I had dated a lot of bad boys, but he was so kind and so smart that I couldn't help but fall in love with him.
Half the time I didn't know what he was talking about, but I got this special feeling in my stomach, and that part never goes away no matter how many pigs he brings home.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Oh, thanks for coming on such short notice.
Oh, not a problem.
I was just in Wilton dealing with a depressed pig, and I was like, [WHISPERING.]
"You're just gonna be such a good pig.
No one's ever gonna eat that pig.
" - [NORMAL VOICE.]
And that did the trick.
- Mm.
Greg, why is the Pig Whisperer here? 'Cause I'm not giving up on Hans Gruber.
Uh Greg, can you join me in your office? Why? - To look over some papers.
- What papers? I want to yell at you in private.
You're the worst at this! [SNORTING.]
If this pig is just about you proving to everyone that you don't fold, then it's time to pick something else.
Something like you say you want Mexican, and I say, "No, I want Italian," and then you say, "I want Mexican," and then we have Mexican.
- It's not that simple.
- [SIGHS.]
When I was five years old, we had a dog that I loved more than anything in the world, and my very first day of kindergarten, I kissed him goodbye and when I got back home, he was gone.
My dad had given him away.
I was crushed.
And I can't do that to Anna-Kat.
I'm sorry.
I just can't.
I've never heard this story before.
Well, it's not something I like to talk about.
Just out of curiosity, what was the dog's name? - Winston.
- Winston.
Yeah, 'cause he looked like Winston Churchill.
Mm-hmm.
I see.
Go ahead and call my mom and ask.
I'm not calling your mom.
Okay.
I guess the pig can stay [SNORTS.]
because of this important story in your life that I just heard for the first time ever just now.
- Right.
- Mm.
[SNORTING.]
I know! I know! I know! You are so funny.
You're so cute and handsome, and you don't have that weird, old-man smell.
I'll be right back.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
I think I know what you were talking about.
I have that special feeling, and he asked me out.
You know he's our pig trainer, and he's 27.
We're the same age! [GUNFIRE.]
I got bad news for you.
Oh, yeah? Viv met another guy.
Eh, she wasn't the first, and she won't be the last.
She might be pretty close to the last.
Next time, you have to be careful.
There's a lot of people out there who just want to be with you for your money.
Thank you, kid.
So, uh, what do you want me to pick up for dinner tonight? Mm lobster.
For two.
I'll just get my wallet.
[BOMB WHISTLES, EXPLODES.]
- What's going on? - Oh.
Taylor was just telling me she's gonna stop texting John Reese.
Yeah, it's not fair to Eyo.
- Good for you, honey.
- Yeah, well done.
Maybe I should text John and give him some closure.
Nah, I'm just gonna go dark.
By the way, just got off the phone with your mom.
You picked up when my mom called? - Were you buried under rubble? - I called her to confirm your dog sob story, which she did.
- Katie.
- Don't be mad.
I feel like I was already punished.
She droned on for 45 minutes about her latest food allergy.
Lots of bowel talk.
Ah.
Dairy.
I'm sorry for doubting your story about Winston.
And we can keep Hans Gruber for as long as you want.
Thanks, sweetie.
Well I'm gonna go feed our pig some garbage.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Mom, thanks for covering for me.
She totally bought it! I know! I know! For once, I didn't fold.
You want the last M&M? I know you like the greens.
[SNORTS.]
Greg, we're all out of M&M'S.
Can you go get us some more? You're the ones that ate them.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
The pig stare is not going to work, Katie.
Don't even try.
I'm not moving.
[MUSIC INTENSIFIES.]
Okay, but for the record, I'm doing this because I want to.
Who's my good, little Greg Whisperer? - [SNORTS.]
- You are.