American Housewife (2016) s02e07 Episode Script

Family Secrets

1 What are you making? Mashed cauliflower for my mom.
She has dietary restrictions.
Yes, I know.
She has an angry bowel.
It's irritable.
Like your parents coming for Thanksgiving makes me.
For the next six hours, I need you to be courteous, kind, and respectful.
That's not fair.
That's like me asking you to catch a football.
SPORTSCASTER: Jackson a perfectly thrown ball Hey! I was just about to look up at that.
[BLOWS.]
What are you doing? Making it look dusty and unused.
My parents are coming, and I was raised - Without a TV.
- Without a TV.
Just because you grew up with the worst life imaginable I had books.
We're saying the same thing doesn't mean we should suffer every time they visit.
I don't want my dad to think we're slaves to technology.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
Oh, my God.
- Hey, give it back! - Not happening.
Dad, we all just watched that show about the Menendez Brothers.
Let's think about this.
You'll get them back when my parents have left.
Until then, why not communicate the old-fashioned way using words and eye contact.
Red-faced angry emoji.
Guess who's ready for the holidays.
[SNORTING.]
Hans Gruber can't be here right now.
- [SNORTS.]
- Why? Because my dad can't find out we have a pet pig.
- Why? Why? - Because he wouldn't approve.
Because Grandpa doesn't like cute things.
- Why? - Because I'm cute, and he didn't approve when Daddy married me.
- That's not true.
- Why? Because I was beneath Daddy.
You mean like the time I opened your door without knocking? You, take Hans Gruber upstairs and hide him in your room.
And you, take your hair out of that ponytail and make it look more festive.
Want to give me styling tips? Yes, use a curling iron to give it a light bounce.
And you Actually, you're dressed appropriately and you're involved in ballet, something cultural.
I have no notes for you.
I'm the man.
Actually, I do have a note for you.
Be 30% less Oliver.
You get so uptight when your parents visit.
And you get uptight when it's your mom's year to come for Thanksgiving.
That's because she's crazy, and that makes me crazy.
But you don't see me turning myself inside out trying to please her.
No, you just yell at her in front of company and make everyone uncomfortable.
I do that.
Yeah.
It's different for me.
You have brothers and sisters.
I'm an only child.
All the attention falls on me.
I have to make him proud.
When are you going to stop trying to get your dad's approval? Right after this visit, when I finally get it.
I sent him an early copy of my book "John Stuart Mill and the Consequences of a Thoroughgoing Empiricist Outlook.
" JSM is his favorite utilitarian philosopher.
Did you trade JSM's rookie card for a If I knew another philosopher, I would've totally landed that.
I just need you to get on board.
Fine.
But afterwards, you're gonna owe me.
I want you do that special thing you know I like.
Tell the kids you're out for the night when, really, you're just locked in our room with a coffee cup full of chocolate chips, watching "Beachfront Bargain Hunt?" Sounds so hot when you say it.
Busted.
[SIGHS.]
I need to get my phone back, but I can't figure out the combination on the lock.
Why do you need your phone so bad? Eyo texted, "I love you.
" And? He said, "I love you," and that's the first time he's ever said that.
And before I could text him back, Dad took my phone away.
Wow.
He's got to be thinking you're totally icing him out.
- I know! - Okay, listen.
The sooner Grandma and Grandpa leave, the sooner you'll get your phone back.
Right.
This Thanksgiving has to move fast.
Wait.
[GROANS.]
I thought it might be Mom's two favorite "Bachelor" seasons.
- 13, 21.
- 13, 21.
Oh, I love that outfit.
This one? The one you laid out on the bed for me with a note that says, "Please wear it.
My mommy and daddy are coming?" You added that last part.
You promised me you'd be on board.
Fine! I'm on board.
But parents or no parents, this button is getting unbuttoned 20 minutes after pumpkin pie.
Unh-unh.
Unh-unh.
My parents are almost here, and I said no electronics.
This is an assignment for school.
I have to do a short film about my family's Thanksgiving.
Okay, but when you use your camera around Grandma and Grandpa, make sure you call it a "documentary.
" [DOORBELL RINGS.]
They're here.
They're here! They're here! Everyone, look good.
Have a mint.
- [GASPS.]
- Oh! There's no time to pick them up.
Just kick them in the vent! Spencer? Spencer? Happy Thanksgiving.
You invited an ex-con to our Thanksgiving? Yeah, he's all alone, and I wanted him to feel like family family you leave money to.
What kind of person befriends someone just to get in their will? The kind who might not take care of his father if he keeps up the judgment.
This is for you a rare Bordeaux I bought at auction.
Do you have a decanter? I have a sun-tea jar.
That's what they call decanters in Florida.
- [BEEPING.]
- I hear beeping.
Who's holding? - Taylor.
- It's not me.
Oops.
Sorry.
I I guess if I go past there, my ankle monitor's out of range of my house.
[BEEPING STOPS.]
I don't want my parole officer busting up your Thanksgiving party.
Pearl's fun at first, but she wears on you.
- So sorry you can't stay.
- Nonsense.
I'll go get the card table and set it up right here.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- It's them.
Anna-Kat, stop eating mints off the floor! - I'll get it.
- No, that's okay.
Ah, happy Thanksgiving.
[CHUCKLES.]
Spencer Blitz.
You're that investment banker that they locked up.
That's me.
And now I'm your son's doorman who's never allowed to play the market again.
[HUSHED.]
Empire Energy's about to make a run.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
May I take your coat? Oh! Hi, honey! Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
Any other criminal friends coming for dinner? Oh, no.
[CHUCKLES.]
Spencer's not my friend.
He's Oliver's friend.
Oh, a boy and his felon.
Warms the heart.
Happy Thanksgiving! Katie! There is the woman that my son insisted on marrying.
[CHUCKLES.]
You.
ANNA-KAT: Grandma, grandpa! Oh! [QUIETLY.]
Thank you.
That was perfectly handled.
My secret is, I make a fist and dig my fingernails into my hand.
See? [NORMAL VOICE.]
Is that blood? Yeah.
All right, everyone's here! Let's all go to the dinner table.
The turkey still has two more hours to cook.
I say screw the turkey and let's get on with it! [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Nice try speeding up Thanksgiving.
Wait, what's that sound? It's Eyo weeping as he checks his phone for a text that never comes.
Sorry about the card table, but it must be better than your last Thanksgiving in federal prison.
Oh, Guy Fieri was our guest chef.
Too spicy.
Terrible! I've got sweatshirts for everyone from Oxford University! He teaches there in the summers.
It's very prestigious.
Yes, my job is prestigious, but, um it's not the only thing that I'm proud of in my life.
Greg? [SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
Tell 'em about the time that I smoked Tony Blair at Scrabble.
You just did, Dad.
KATIE: Greg is impressive, too.
You should see the velvet-y professor thing he gets to wear around his neck at every graduation ceremony.
It's like he teaches at Hogwarts! I'm good, honey.
Thank you.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get it.
Who is that? We're not expecting anyone else.
Well, hello! Hello, everyone.
Mom?! [HUSHED.]
You didn't tell me the stiffs were coming.
[HUSHED.]
I didn't tell you because you're not supposed to be here.
You're supposed to be at Steph's.
Well, your sister got caught up in that travel ban, and now she's stuck in Turkey.
And it didn't occur to you to call or give me a heads-up? What, so that you could come up with some dumb excuse for why I couldn't come? Absolutely not.
I can still make an excuse.
Oven's broken.
House is being fumigated.
Uh stay away from me.
You drive me [Bleep.]
.]
crazy.
You know, I haven't been here for 20 seconds, and you are already on my ass.
Lucky for you I'm in a good mood.
I had two road pinots.
Katie, can I talk to you for a minute? In private? Do you know how to make a whiskey sour? I can't believe your mom crashed Thanksgiving.
She doesn't even think to call! It's bad enough we have an ex-con in the house.
Now we'll have your soon-to-be-tipsy mom telling my parents dumb stewardess stories about how she had a layover with James Caan.
She always stresses the "lay.
" You're saying that as though old Snooty and Tooty - are too good for my mother.
- Oh, come on, Katie.
My dad is a three-time National Dickens Scholar.
James Caan was in "The Godfather I" and "II.
" What's your point? My point is that I would listen to my mom's stories till the end of time if it meant never having to hear your father go on about his favorite author.
What's his name again? Scrotum? - Balzac.
- I knew I was close.
My parent is a world-famous scholar.
Yours is a world-traveling tramp.
That's it! I'm off board! I am going upstairs to change into my buffet pants! I'm going to be getting some slice-of-life footage.
Pretend I'm not here unless you're giving out doughnut holes.
Then I would like to be recognized.
[BEEP.]
Read anything interesting lately? Oh, funny you should ask.
Yes.
I just re-read my old dissertation, and you can tell, from even a young age, I was something special.
[CHUCKLES.]
This is what you're wearing? Jeans? Yeah.
And if you say anything more about it, I'm losing the bra, and then all hell breaks loose.
- We had an agreement.
- [SIGHS.]
Greg, can I speak to you one second in private? Okay, the appetizers are done.
If I turn the oven to 600, will the turkey cook faster? It doesn't work that way.
Grease would catch fire.
The whole house would burn down.
I'll be right back.
Anna-Kat, give us a moment.
Your, uh sister's worried about a boy.
How do you know that? Well, I spent my life learning how to read people.
It's how I became successful in business and how I knew where the warden hid the flag when it was prisoners versus guards on Spirit Day.
That sounds great.
If I ever go to federal prison, I'm using you as a reference.
I also see tension between your grandparents.
Notice they're only holding hands by the fingertips.
You're wrong about that one.
My grandparents have always been the perfect couple.
Trust me.
People often put on an act when they're hiding their true intentions.
I hear you have good wine.
Oh, the best! It's from Thomas Jefferson's personal collection.
One of only three bottles left.
[CHUCKLES.]
With age comes perfection.
And wisdom.
Goodbye.
She is so into me! Whether it's arrogance or senility, you wear it well, my friend.
KATIE: I don't like how he treats you.
Just admit that he is a cold, withholding jerk, and I'll get back on board.
- My father is a great man.
- If he is so great, then why hasn't he said anything about your book? - I'm sure there's a simple explanation.
- Okay.
He doesn't have e-mail, so I sent him a copy.
- Mm-hmm.
- The package was too big for the slot, so they hid it behind the ficus.
That's not a great hiding place.
Someone could have taken it an animal, perhaps.
Did you know that squirrels can carry up to ten times their own body weight? No, I didn't know that.
But what I do know is I'm gonna go out there and get plastered with my tramp mom, provided she is not abducted by squirrels.
And then Jimmy Caan said, "That was one hell of a lay over!" Tell the part where your leg slipped in the toilet, and you had to do dinner service with a blue foot.
No, that's okay.
Let's go talk to Oliver.
He's involved in ballet.
Yes.
Let's.
It's so fun shocking them.
You know, I haven't even broken the seal yet - about the bi-curious stories yet.
- [LAUGHS.]
Look at us.
We're finally getting along! Yeah, well our tightest bond has always been in the criticism of others.
Oh, they are, without a doubt Anna-Kat, Mama is gonna say words she uses when she's behind someone writing a check at the grocery store.
Could you film your grandparents instead? And Harvard's always looking for male ballerinos.
That's my ticket in.
What complex machinations.
Oh, wait, wait.
Something's brewing.
"Complexinations!" Well, hello, new word.
Welcome to the world.
[LAUGHS.]
There's actually quite a few cultural things happening in this house dancing writing.
Right.
Oh, enough already.
Thomas, have you read Greg's damn book? Uh yes.
Thank you.
Anything to add? [CAMERA BEEPING.]
You're welcome.
Well, great.
I was worried you had a squirrel problem.
And Greg's father, that pompous jerk, just sat there and didn't say anything.
That's when I snuck out and gave you guys the 911 text.
Oh, well, I'm glad you did.
I'm happy to get away from my family.
I told them I was spotting and had to lie down.
No one questions you after you drop the word "spotting.
" Hm.
Here's a twist.
I'm getting along with my mom, but I'm mad at Greg and super-mad at the way his father treats him.
So I'm both pissed at and protective of Greg.
I'm very conflicted.
Do you want to come back with me for moral support? - [INHALES SHARPLY.]
Can't.
I'm spotting.
- Me too.
Back from the soup kitchen.
What soup kitchen? The one in here, honey.
Okay.
So just nonsense.
Right.
Okay! Mom is home! I would like to invite everybody to the dinner table.
You're serving starches? They make me bloat.
I can take a Zantac, but we'll have to wait for Let's just move to the damn table already! Come on.
Ha! [CHUCKLING.]
All right.
- [SIGHS.]
- I'm really starting to like you.
- Thanks, Grandma.
- Yeah.
Taylor, what in the world is going on with you? Dad took my phone.
So? Eyo texted "Happy Thanksgiving.
" And then he wrote, "I love you.
" L-U-V? L-O-V-E.
Damn! I think Spencer's on to me about befriending him for his money.
Can you tell when I'm lying? I'm not sure.
I really like your sweater.
Thank you.
Okay, good.
You can't tell.
Very nice.
Now, go get your sister for dinner.
She's in her room editing her movie.
Were you going to write back, "I love you too?" I guess so.
Well, do you love him? I don't know.
Then why would you tell him you do? It's just texting.
No one expects you to be fully honest.
Oh, I think I'm gonna like texting! Taylor, back when I was a stewardess, guys used to throw the word "love" at me as freely as they would throw Quaaludes.
But you have to make sure the love is real.
Or else you can wake up in a motel room in Akron without a ride to the airport.
I probably still have 'ludes caught between my couch cushions.
You're starting to grow on me.
Don't worry about your phone.
Go over to Eyo's now and talk to him.
You need to do this face-to-face, see if it's real.
Thanks, Mom.
I finished my film.
We have to watch it now.
Why can't we watch it after dinner? Because after dinner, you start flashing the lights on and off, singing the song "Closing Time.
" I can't believe it still works.
We haven't used it in so long.
And, yes, there will be a brief Q&A after the screening.
[BEEP.]
Thanksgiving means doing a lot of extra work for a woman who refuses to eat my food and a man who insults my husband.
Okay, very funny.
Anna-Kat, make sure you erase that.
Truth is, I've had all the money in the world, but Thanksgiving's always been a bit of a lonely holiday for me, because I've Well, I never made time for family.
But I'm thankful to my new friend who has become my family.
Looks like your plan is working.
Yeah.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
Thanksgiving! - How's tenure coming? - Oh, I think I'm on-track to make it in the next couple of years.
Oh, I made tenure at 28.
Hon, was it 28 or 29? I jest.
We both know it was 28.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
AMANDA: Honey! Walk me to the powder room.
[LAUGHING.]
[SNORTS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[SNORTS.]
Why are you always such an ass to Greg? I'm just giving him something to live up to.
[SCOFFS.]
Oh! Like you're so great.
We have to turn this off.
Now.
Here.
Off! Um, Grandpa, that's a toy cellphone filled with jellybeans.
- Say what you will about Greg.
- Mm-hmm.
He hasn't been hiding a second family in England for the last 20 years.
[CHUCKLES.]
He doesn't even go to England.
That's not a fair comparison.
[BEEP.]
Closing time Wait, you have a second family? How long have you known about this? Three months ago, his son called.
Your genius father left his secret cellphone in his nightstand.
- You have a son? - I have a brother? - Greg.
- I'm not talking to you.
No, my other son is also named Greg.
Greg?! Why would you name him Greg?! You already have a son named Greg! So I wouldn't make a mistake and call you by the wrong name! Makes perfect sense! Shut up, just shut up.
You know, every time you visit, I put Katie and the kids through hell just to impress you.
We put on this charade.
The funny thing is, you're the one who's been putting on the charade.
But now I see the real you.
Well, Dad this is the real me.
We watch TV.
Like, a lot of TV! We watch all of "The Bachelors" "Bachelorette," "Bachelor Pad," and even "Bachelor in Paradise.
" My kids love their cellphones.
Taylor already has arthritis in her right thumb.
Oh, and you're going to be so disappointed in this! - Do you know how to make a whiskey sour? - [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
[SIGHS.]
Eyo and I broke up.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]
What? [SNORTING.]
This is our family pet a filthy, garbage-eating pig.
My whole life, I've looked up to you.
In my eyes, you couldn't do anything wrong.
In your eyes, I couldn't do anything right.
Well, it turns out, I did everything right! I've got sometimes-great kids and an intermittently-great wife! I had planned on telling you about Greg, Greg.
I'm not done.
I could give a rat's ass if you like my book or not.
I like it! And it's damn good! Okay.
Okay, you've had your little say.
All right.
We are getting out of here.
Nobody speaks to me like this.
Hey, Thomas.
Here's a new word for you "ska-douche!" That's the sound the door makes when you kick a douche out of the house! [SCOFFS.]
You will always be my favorite, Greg! Because the other one isn't my son, and he has a whore for a mother.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
I feel like I missed something.
- [SIGHS.]
- Little bit.
You okay? I'm not gonna lie.
I'm pretty confused right now.
Oh, honey.
The bright side to this toilet fire is you're not an only child anymore.
- Yeah, that's true! - Mm-hmm.
How does that make you feel? Anna-Kat, you're not handing that in.
We're just gonna take an "F" on this one.
Olly, boy, I want to give you something.
No! I don't want anything from you.
Having you here is all I need.
I wasn't giving you a $50,000 watch, you dummy.
I just want you to take it and have it cleaned.
Oh.
Appreciate the gesture.
I had my doubts about you, kid, but it turned out I was reading you all wrong.
Sweetheart, let's head on out.
Yeah, let's go and dig through those couch cushions.
Ooh, yeah.