American Housewife (2016) s02e09 Episode Script

The Couple

1 KATIE: Flavor of Westport, where the hippest restaurants in town offer samples of their signature dishes.
Wow.
Quinoa pie, kale on a stick.
Things I would eat if I was on the show "Survivor" and I already ate every rat on the island.
- Greg, Katie, hi! - GREG: Hi.
This is also a great place to bump into the people I spend all week trying to avoid.
Have you guys heard about the big shake-up at school? Did one of those lonely moms finally do 10 minutes in the shed with that sexy groundskeeper? No.
The new chairs I've been fighting for were approved.
We now have lumbar support for our children! Three things happen when you become parents.
You buy a minivan, you use the word "potty" around adults, and every conversation becomes about the kids.
We have so much children's medicine in the house, but I can never find those little plastic measuring thingies.
Where do they go? Probably hanging out with all the missing socks.
[LAUGHTER.]
Missing socks! [LAUGHS.]
This is so boring.
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
Beets, fish oil, pollen, and oh, I'm forgetting one peanuts! Those are all of Holden's allergies.
Okay.
Now I'll go.
Hay weed, gluten, - hypoallergenic foam - Super boring.
I can't believe you left me with that couple.
They took me through the entire evolution of their son's pronunciation of "blueberry.
" Don't recap that conversation for me.
I actually sat in a hot Port-a-Potty for 20 minutes to avoid it.
We should go.
I have to help Anna-Kat write a five-minute story for the Kid Lit assembly this weekend.
I think she focuses better after a string cheese.
But not the yellow kind or the white kind.
The yellow-swirled-with-white kind.
Cheddarella.
Remember that time we gave her the store brand? Yikes-arella.
Oh, my God.
Now we're boring ourselves.
We have no life outside of our kids.
That's not true.
Okay, the other day, I was carpool lane Uhp, that's the kids.
Never mind.
We have no life.
Hold that thought.
My trans-fat sense is tingling.
I smell something fried.
they must be hanging out with the missing socks, right? [LAUGHTER.]
Hey, that's my line.
Greg, at my funeral, along with bagpipes, I want funnel cakes.
I haven't tasted a funnel cake this good - since the Florida State Fair.
- Mm.
Are you from Florida? Yeah, born and raised.
We just moved here from Myrtle Grove.
We used to play you guys in football! What?! We must've partied at the same tailgate at the Speedway.
Do you know the secret about the beer stand by the Quaker State sign? Flash 'em for a six pack? I never paid for a beer in four years.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Hold on.
You're familiar with John Stuart Mill? - Of course! - GREG: You don't understand, you're the first person to ever say that to me.
No, no, I understand.
We're two Mill-heads.
Okay.
Your favorite essay collection on three.
One, two, three.
- "Two Letters on the Measure of Value"! - "Two Letters on the Measure of Value"! [BOTH LAUGH.]
So, have you gotten a feel for the town? Oh, yeah.
They should change their motto to "Westport our foreheads haven't moved since 1862.
" - [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Yeah, yeah.
"Westport our women own 80% of the world's tennis skirts.
" [BOTH LAUGH.]
Hey, babe, we better get going.
Where you off to? Oh, we have tickets for a cruise around Sagatuck.
But, hey, we should get together sometime.
- Here is my card.
- Thanks.
- See you, guys.
- See you later.
- KATIE: Bye! - Bye! - I loved her! - I loved him! I can't believe we finally found a couple that we both like! Don't get your hopes up about Courtney and Zach.
I saw them move in.
They don't have kids.
Damn.
Why? What's the big deal? Couples without kids hate couples with kids.
Then she said "boo-bewwy.
" Wait.
No.
First, three months, he said "bwoo-bewwy.
" [LAUGHTER.]
'Cause couples with kids are so b-o-o-oring.
Mmm! Looks good.
I was thinking.
Is it so inconceivable we could be friends with Courtney and Zach? These people have exciting lives.
They don't want to hang out with parents.
We've got baggage.
Here comes the middle bag now.
Mom, a word about the quality of our lunches.
- Are they not up to your standards? - No.
Would it kill you to dry the lettuce before you make the sandwich? I don't know.
Would it kill you if I put you in burlap sack with a couple of bricks and threw you off a bridge? I think you should go.
What if we just don't mention the kids? Interesting.
- So you want to lie? - Not lie.
Just hide the truth until they're deeper in the relationship.
You know, like you did when we were dating.
You thought I liked foreign films.
Ooh, "Chocolat"! That was in English.
It felt foreign.
But you're right.
We just won't mention the kids.
- Let me do the talking.
- Why? Because your voice gets all high when you're nervous.
It does? Is that why they're always calling me "ma'am" when I order at drive-throughs? Who the hell gets nervous at a drive-through? It's a lot of pressure.
People are waiting.
They can't always hear you.
Okay, fine.
- But put it on speaker so I can hear.
- Okay.
[RINGING.]
- ZACH: Hello? - Hey, Zach, it's Katie.
Oh, hey, Katie.
Courtney and I were just talking about you guys.
Us, too.
We figured why not call and make a plan to hang out.
COURTNEY: How about dinner tomorrow night? Oh, hey, Courtney! Works for us.
ZACH: We found this great off-the-beaten-path Vietnamese place.
You guys like pho? [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Fo sho! Perfect.
See you guys tomorrow night.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
- Who's the man?! - [NORMAL VOICE.]
I am! - Who's the woman?! - That's not a saying! Feels sexist leaving you out! We can't do this kind of crap tomorrow night! Okay, ground rules for tonight.
Taylor's in charge, and there can be no more disasters.
What do you mean by disasters? Last time we let you babysit, you guys played hide-and-seek with Anna-Kat and gave up without telling her.
She was zipped inside an old suitcase for five hours.
We didn't give up.
We just never looked.
This is your last shot.
If you can't prove that you're responsible, then you can't go to the concert with your friends next week.
- Got it? - Got it.
This dinner we're going to is important, so don't call unless it's really an emergency.
That means only call from the hospital and not just from the waiting room.
Call once you're admitted and stretched out on one of those wheely beds.
Wait.
You guys can't leave.
I want to tell you what happened on my show, - "Adventure Cats.
" - Let's get out of here before she recounts every minute in real time.
So, Captain Meowington was leading an expedition down the Amazon River on a bamboo raft That's so exciting! Go, go, go, go, go! And then a snake just fell down out of the trees, right onto Captain Meowington's lap.
Oh! The snake episode! Oliver was just asking how it ends.
Tell him.
Don't waste another minute on us.
All right, let's clear our heads of all of that.
Shake it off.
Remember, we don't have kids.
Did we leave them enough money for pizza? - I think so.
- Wrong! The correct answer is "Who?" because we don't have kids.
Be better! Noted.
- All right, let's do this.
- Greg! Your keychain.
Oh, my God! [KEYS RATTLE.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
I'll get the spare.
Okay.
ANNA-KAT: Then Captain Meowington gave up his rank and command to raise his kittens.
GREG: Really? I knew he had a heart of gold.
Greg! Sorry about that.
It just sounds like they're taking a lot of risks - in season two.
- Okay.
Anna-Kat, dinner! There's a lot riding on tonight.
You and Anna-Kat are my responsibility.
Nothing can go wrong.
No one can get hurt.
- What's in it for me? - What do you mean? Well, you're getting something out of this.
- I want something, too.
- [SIGHS.]
- What's your price? - Okay.
I want you to do what Mom and Dad refuse to do drive me past the biggest houses in Westport, slowly while I look up their value on Zillow.
No way.
I will break my pinkie right now.
Okay, fine.
- It's a deal.
- ANNA-KAT: [CLEARS THROAT.]
Who's gonna wet my beak? What? Here's the thing.
I need to write a story to read out loud tomorrow night at the Kid Lit assembly only I don't feel like writing it.
Do you get what I'm saying? No.
She wants you to write the story for her.
And you're gonna help her because she's kind of stupid.
[SCOFFS.]
Okay.
What will happen if we don't? I saved some baby teeth just for this situation.
[WHIMPERS.]
Ow! [FAKE CRYING.]
Taylor let me jump off the counter, and I knocked out my tooth! [NORMAL VOICE.]
Happy writing.
[LAUGHTER.]
Whoa.
Mmm.
We have been big fans of Vietnamese food ever since we went backpacking outside of Hanoi last summer.
Oh, yeah, we rappelled down a waterfall, explored this tunnel system, went sand-boarding - Wow.
- But what about you? I bet you guys have taken some great trips.
KATIE: Oh, boy, have we.
[BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY.]
Which one do you want to talk about first? Let's just pick a favorite.
- Which one is our favorite, Greg? - Um KATIE: When was our last vacation? Does staying at the Motel Six for a weekend after our pipes burst count? I think our favorite trip probably was when we went rafting down the Amazon.
Right, honey? - Oh.
- Whoa.
We were some adventurous cats, weren't we, Katie? That's right.
We were on bamboo rafts.
Yeah, our captain Me-Ow warned us that it wasn't a trip.
It was an exercise in survival.
We were admiring the scenery, when this giant snake dropped down from the trees.
Whoa.
So what'd you guys do? [LAUGHS.]
What did we do? My instincts just kicked in, and I punched it in the face.
Knocked it out cold.
Our Captain Me-Ow Who turned out to be a real sweetheart skinned it, cooked it up.
Best dinner we ever had.
Whoa.
I'm so jealous.
Somebody is allergic to snake.
[LAUGHTER.]
So, we heard about this place in town that serves bespoke cocktails.
Just pick a night and we're there.
The night is now! We'll get the coats.
Are they serious? It's almost 9:30.
- We're already pushing our bedtime.
- I know.
We should be in bed with me putting stuff in my Amazon cart and you telling me not to push the buy button.
If we go to this bar, we still have to wake up early and deal with the kids, and I have to help Anna-Kat with her story.
If we don't go to this bar, they could meet a real kid-less couple who knows what the hell bespoke cocktails actually are.
We could lose them, Greg.
Come on.
We never put ourselves first.
Let's do something for us for a change.
All right, let's do it.
Look out, 11:00, here come the Ottos! [LAUGHS.]
Last night was fun.
The Ottos saw midnight.
Then I took a brief micro nap in the ladies room to rally, and then we saw 12:45.
Do you think that they liked us? I hope so.
What happens now? Do we call them? I don't know how this works.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
- [GASPS.]
It's not me! It's you! Help me find my phone! Call it! Wait.
It's in my hand.
- It's a text from Zach! - [GASPS.]
- They don't play games! - They had fun! - What did they say exactly? - "We had fun!" Yes! ANNA-KAT: Mama, where's my clean underwear? Never mind.
Going inside-out.
Ugh, back to reality.
I got to go make breakfast, and you need to help Anna-Kat with her story.
I'm texting him back.
What do you think of this? "We had fun, too.
Love you guys.
Regards, Greg"? That is terrible, but reassuring.
You have no future in online dating.
You're stuck with me forever.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, how did it go last night? Perfect.
You know I'd love to throw this one under the bus, but she did great.
ANNA-KAT: It's true, Mama.
They spent the whole time helping me with my story for the Kid Lit assembly tonight.
I thought I was gonna help you with that.
Guess you don't need to anymore.
Are you seeing this? Yeah, we stepped back, and they're fine without us.
What are we gonna do with all our newfound free time? But we're already dressed for the day What am I saying? Who cares? [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS.]
Story time.
Let me hear what you got.
Okay, so we have a couple of options for you to choose from.
The first is a story about friendship, and it starts with two brown bears Pass.
What's next? Well, we have another one about a mouse who's trying to track down a missing skateboard.
No, too cute.
But you watch "Adventure Cats," and that's all about kittens.
I just watch that to unwind.
Here are a few things I want in my story The Donner Party, flesh-eating super-viruses, and dandelions.
What do those even have to do with each other? Seems like a writer problem.
Make it work.
And Zach and Courtney took us to this cool restaurant, then to a secret bar, and get this this morning, Greg and I even had sex.
[GASPS.]
Morning sex? Okay, quick question.
Was the bed already made, and if so, did you then remake it? I'm telling you, hanging out with this couple reminded us that we once had a life outside of our kids.
Well, enjoy it while you can.
Take it from a single mom you can only hide your kids from the people you're dating for so long.
'Cause when they find out, they'll dump you.
Because you're not spontaneous.
And you can't go to Nantucket because you got a kid that didn't listen to you and went outside without a jacket and got sick, so now you're staying home while she's at a beachhouse with some bitch named Ruth.
Don't worry.
We have a plan.
We're gonna get them invested in a fake version of ourselves, then, when they fall in love, we're gonna reveal our three little flaws.
Oh! I did the same thing with Richard.
I let him believe I was nice.
There's no way some bitch named "Ruth" is hotter than I am.
Not possible.
The kids are really getting along.
Don't talk about it.
You'll jinx it.
You said our kids had great taste in music, then it was "Call Me Maybe" for a whole year.
Let's take advantage of this and have Taylor watch the kids again tonight.
We can't.
We have Anna-Kat's Lit assembly at 6:00.
Aw, man.
I forgot about that.
Anna-Kat, how many kids are reading tonight? There are 24 kids in my class, but there are two classes, so 48.
[SIGHS.]
So fun! If I take off running right now, I can get home, pack, and be in Canada by tomorrow morning.
You are not going to Canada.
Get out of my head, man.
I'm really excited for you to hear my story.
It's pretty amazing.
It better be amazing, or I'll lock myself in my toy chest and say that you kept me there all night.
You wouldn't.
Oh, yeah? "It's so dark in here.
I can't breathe!" [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Now give me a taste of your ice cream.
Aww, they're sharing.
We're Parents of the Year.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Oh, crap, Greg! Look! We can't be seen with these jokers.
Guys, who wants candy? You always say we're not allowed to have two sweets in one day.
Young lady, when your father tells you to eat candy, you eat candy.
Come on, come on! Anna-Kat's sweater! Oh, I think you dropped this.
You dropped it.
- [GASPS.]
Hey, look! - Hey! - It's our new best friends! - GREG: [LAUGHS.]
Hey, guys! Just taking a leisurely stroll.
Just the two of us, which we do every day.
'Cause we have the time.
[LAUGHS.]
We were just about to call you guys.
ZACH: Oh, yeah! Yeah, we decided to head up to our ski house in New Hampshire.
Hit the hot tub, snowmobile in the morning, and then head back tomorrow.
Classic H-T-Sno-mo.
Sounds amazing! We'd love for you guys to come if you don't already have plans tonight.
Did we have something we were supposed to do? Something about an up-and-coming authors symposium? Oh, yeah.
Oh, shoot.
Well, I guess we could ask No, no, no! We're in! Oh.
Okay, great.
Hey, I'll text you the address.
- GREG: Great.
- All right.
An overnighter.
This is the way relationships are cemented.
Would it be lame if I wore a T-shirt in the hot tub? Yeah.
[DOORBELL JINGLES.]
ANNA-KAT: [SCREAMS.]
I think she's probably had enough sugar.
I know it's just a kid-free night with new friends in a new place, - but I'm super-excited.
- GREG: Me too.
Are these good lounge-around- the-ski-lodge pants, or do they look too much like pajamas? They're good.
But wear underwear.
Reduce floppage.
Yes.
I refuse to feel guilty for missing Anna-Kat's reading tonight.
We have a responsibility to ourselves, to our relationship, to the Gods of Spontaneous Marital Morning Sex.
I love those guys.
I love you guys! Half of the parents in this town spend zero time with their kids.
Then they put on this big show by going to every last school event, like that makes them good parents.
That's what they do.
That's totally what they do.
They're like, "Ooh! I'm such a good mother! The nanny feeds them, the maid cleans up after them, but I'm here at the stupid Kid Lit Festival.
" "Ooh, I'm an awesome dad, I play 72 holes of golf a week and read texts when my kids are trying to talk to me, but look at me now! I'm in the front row, taping the whole thing on my phone like I'm not a total douche.
" And that's not parenting.
It most certainly is not.
Parenting is the daily grind of caring for kids while doing the painstaking work of shaping their character.
That's what we do.
That's all we do, Greg.
That is our entire life.
In fact, one could argue that by skipping this event, we're teaching Anna-Kat a lesson in independence.
Yes.
By going away, we're actually being there for her more than if we stayed.
I buy that.
So, for real, what happens when Anna-Kat's onstage and looks out in the audience and we're not there? She'll be fine.
We'll buy her ice cream with extra toppings, and she'll get over it.
So you're saying for the price of a couple of crumbled-up Oreos, we can reclaim our lives? I'm in! [CHUCKLES.]
We good to go? Yeah.
Everything's packed.
Angela's gonna take the kids to the Lit assembly and stay the night.
And I told the kids that their great aunt passed, and we had to go to the funeral.
How many great aunts is that now? I think I'm up to seven, and they still haven't noticed.
[LAUGHS.]
We're on our way, and we don't feel guilty at all, do we? Now floor it! We're having such an amazing time! - Wish you were here! - Cheers! Whoo! - [SIGHS.]
- [SIGHS.]
Remember driveway us? They had it all figured out.
Highway us, that's where it all started to crumble.
And so, the two rabbits sat down at the table and shared the carrot.
The end.
[APPLAUSE.]
Well, that was awful.
Still, we did the right thing.
Although the zebra had stripes and the leopard had spots, they decided they could still be friends.
The end.
[APPLAUSE.]
Still think we did the right thing? Uhhhhh The sun told the cloud to stop crying.
It did.
Then all the children of the world came out to play.
The end.
[APPLAUSE.]
PRINCIPAL ABLIN: Everyone having a good time? I sure am.
Please welcome Anna-Kat Otto.
Oh.
[APPLAUSE.]
Once upon a time, when America was a young nation, a family of pioneers decided to take a risk and head West, into the new frontier You are so going to that concert with your friends.
Once the flesh-eating bacteria took over the camp, no one was safe.
Those who died were actually the lucky ones.
Those who didn't were so hungry they had no choice but to eat their family members and not even dandelions would grow over their graves.
[MAN COUGHS.]
The end.
[BOTH CLAPPING.]
You're so not going to that concert with your friends.
Are you kidding me with that story? What were you two thinking? We tried to pitch her bunnies.
Yeah, but then she got mad and made us work through dinner.
Am I the only one who thought it went well? As much as I want to blame them, which I really, really want to do, the truth is, - this is on us.
- I know.
We were so caught up enjoying our kid-less life with our kid-less friends, we took our eyes off the ball.
I'm glad we came to our senses.
Did you see Anna-Kat's face when she looked out in the audience and saw we were there? Yeah.
Maybe Highway Us knew what they were doing.
75% of parenting is doing stuff you don't want to do.
I think it's closer to 90%.
Good news is, once they're out of the house, and it's just the two of us again, we know we've still got it.
Damn right we do.
You guys can still have it, just hide it.
95%.
Maybe higher.
So we're just going to come right out and tell them the truth - we have kids.
- Yep.
And if they want to break up with us, - we're not gonna beg.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Hey! - Hi! Listen, we're so sorry that we had to cancel with you last-minute.
We have something we wanted to tell you, but we wanted to do it in person.
Oh.
No, no, us first.
- We're pregnant! - We're pregnant! - What? - Oh, my God! - That's amazing! - Oh, congratulations! Thank you.
We have to celebrate! - Definitely.
- Yes! [BOTH LAUGH.]
No way are we gonna be friends with a couple with a newborn.
"Look, guys, the baby discovered its feet!" - Bo-ring! - Bo-ring!