American Housewife (2016) s02e10 Episode Script

Blue Christmas

1 [SNORTING] KATIE: Ooh! Looks like Santa forgot one.
[GASPS] Presents! [CHUCKLES] Merry Christmas, sweetheart.
You look handsome in your new outfit.
Really? 'Cause I risked it this year and went full mannequin.
Whatever the mannequin was wearing, I bought.
Everybody freeze! You know the drill.
First we build a fire, then we have a big breakfast, then Dad gives his "True Meaning of Christmas" speech, then Oliver cuts me off and says - Can we just get to the presents? - And then you say Don't make me hit you on Christmas.
And then I finish the speech, and we all open presents.
And that's our family tradition.
All we need is Dad's seasonal hypochondria to kick in.
Ha, ha.
It's not hypochondria if it's real.
My hands are definitely tingling.
It feels like carpal tunnel from wrapping all those presents last night.
Or maybe it's arthritis.
My nanna had hands like this.
It's not arthritis.
Taylor's right.
Your hypochondria flares up every Christmas because you know all the doctors' offices are closed.
There's always Dr.
Weber down the street.
He retired and moved to Oregon.
He just euthanizes people now.
Let's just get through these stupid traditions that are so meaningful.
The crackle of the fireplace, the smell of apples and cinnamon, snow on the windowsill are all what make Christmas special.
- But - But the people in this room that's what makes Christmas the most special of all.
Presents! I hope Santa brought me volume two of "The Big Finish: Rich, Famous, and How They Died.
" I practically memorized volume one.
Attila the Hun got drunk and died of a nosebleed on his wedding night.
He drowned in his own blood.
[SCOFFS] Attila Where are my ballet tickets? Envelope or are they just trying to trick me with the big box? I hope love is in one of these packages, because I don't have any since Eyo and I broke up.
I hope a muzzle is in one of those packages.
[TELEPHONE RINGS] What's making that noise? It sounds familiar.
It's the landline! No one calls the landline unless Somebody's dead.
Or it's that computer that tries to trick you into thinking it's a real person.
"Hi, this is Amy.
Give me a moment to adjust my headset.
" She gets me every time.
- [RINGING STOPS] - Nobody move! The tradition is, we open presents together.
[ALL GROAN] Hello? Drugs! Give me drugs, you hack! - Doris? - Oh, finally.
Katie, where are you?! I've been texting you like crazy! I didn't get any Oh.
I'm in labor, and I'm all alone! Where's your family? Aspen.
I wasn't due for another two weeks, so I sent everybody out of town because I'm huge, and my body's producing a gas that made our dog run away.
Okay, well, what do you want me to do? Get your butt over here.
I'm not giving birth alone like some teenage crack whore.
I'll be right there.
We just need to open - Now! - Okay, I'm coming.
Doris is having a baby.
Nobody touches anything.
Christmas is on hold.
[ALL GROAN] Don't worry.
It's her fourth.
Hopefully, it'll slide right out.
Mom, you can't go anywhere.
We have to open our presents.
No! Not until I get back.
This is madness! Do my hands look blue to you? You're perfectly fine.
And under no circumstances are you to try to diagnose yourself online.
You know what happens.
Do my eyes look yellow to you? I feel like my liver isn't working.
My poop is floating.
I'm pretty sure my pancreas is shutting down.
Take a look.
I smell burnt toast, so I think I'm having a stroke.
That's regular toast.
I'm smelling stroke toast.
I hear you, but let me Google my symptoms just once.
I'll even take Bing.
Let me Bing my symptoms.
No Internet.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
And no matter what, do not let them open their presents.
I can't believe you have to lock our presents up in your office because you don't trust us.
Is that where we're at, Dad? That's where I'm at.
I just want to make sure that's where you were at, too.
Out.
Out.
Out! No presents.
No boyfriend.
[SIGHS] Being single on the holidays is so hard.
Some problems Santa can't even fix.
Reel it in, Adele.
I've got my own stuff.
I need to know if I got those tickets - to "The Nutcracker.
" - Why? So you can take that girl from your ballet class? Yes.
Ooh, you like her? - I think I do.
- Knock it off.
How am I supposed to tease you when you're acting this way? Have you asked her yet? [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS] So, I was wondering What? I've got no game.
It's just so frustrating because I'm agile, I'm smart, the face is working.
Let me help you.
Why would you do that? Because I have no love this Christmas, but maybe with my guidance, you can.
Pretend I'm Gina.
Ask me out.
Go sell "Flowers in the Attic" someplace else.
I'm just gonna tape the ticket to her door and hope she shows up to the performance.
But first, I need the tickets.
I have an idea.
We take a cobra, put it under the door, Dad comes running out, we go in and get the presents.
Where are you gonna get a cobra? I asked Santa for one, and Wait a second.
That's not gonna work.
The cobra's in one of the presents in Dad's office.
I feel stupid.
This is a hospital room? The deluxe suite.
News flash rich people live better.
Doris, my family's waiting on me.
When are Richard and the kids getting here? Ugh.
Their flight's delayed.
Angela's texting with him for updates.
ANGELA: Hi, Katie.
Angela? Hi! How's Vermont? Well, it really would be great if I wasn't spending it with my ex and her parents who were already mad at me for "turning her gay.
" [SCOFFS] When I met her, she owned a pit bull named Tracy Chapman The seeds were planted.
I just watered them.
Well, at least this Christmas is gonna be exciting because Doris is having a baby.
No, I am not.
No Christmas baby.
Christmas is my favorite day out of the year, and I'm not gonna let this thing spoil it.
I ruin my kids' lives.
They don't ruin mine! I'm keeping this thing in until midnight.
Uh, if it's not healthy to hold in your pee, I can't imagine it's healthy to hold in a baby.
- [SCOFFS] - [RINGTONE PLAYS] [GROANS] Hey, honey.
I'm gonna be here for a while.
- [POUNDING ON DOOR] - No, no.
You need to come home right now.
The kids are driving me crazy.
I can't come home yet.
Doris' family is delayed.
What's that noise? Our children demanding their presents.
TAYLOR: Dad! Anna-Kat fell down, and she's bleeding! You need to come out here now! Slide something under the door with her blood on it.
ANNA-KAT: Open the damn door, Greg! I'm seeing a very upsetting side of our children.
- I'm gonna let them open the presents.
- No way.
The family tradition is that we open presents together breakfast, fireplace, speech, presents.
That's really your tradition that you grew up with.
Maybe our new tradition should be more "casual fun" and less "desperate hostage situation.
" No.
A desperate hostage situation is what Christmas is all about.
Why do you think "Die Hard" is a stone-cold classic? Well, what am I supposed to do if we can't open our gifts until we're all together? Figure it out! [POUNDING CONTINUES] Oh, look at all those presents.
The pediatric ward is this way.
Oh.
No.
These are for us.
[QUIETLY] Let's go.
[MEDITATION MUSIC PLAYS] [MUSIC STOPS] Doris, if poor people found out that this is how the 1% give birth, they would drown you in your own cucumber water.
You may be right, but one of the benefits of being in the 1% is we don't care.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING] - Whoa.
- Hi, Mama.
What are you guys doing here? You told me to figure it out, so here we are, all together, Christmas tradition intact.
Greg, this is not the tradition.
The tradition is, we open our presents in front of the fireplace.
There's a fireplace.
What? Where? In the parlor.
Taylor.
Whoa.
[SIGHS] I like the way ya live, lady.
Okay.
It's Christmas.
And we're all together.
And there's a fireplace.
Check, check, check.
But we don't have breakfast.
You can just order room service.
We're not having hospital food for Christmas breakfast.
A nice breakfast that's our tradition.
Nurse, what are the specials? Today, we have caviar on homemade blinis with a dollop of crème fraîche or poached wild salmon with hollandaise and ricotta avocado crostini cups.
Enough.
Who wants to eat that slop? All right, Mom.
Now you're just making excuses.
This is the nicest Christmas we've ever had.
It's a nicer room.
It's better food.
We have our own waitress.
Oh, I'm not a waitress.
I'm a nurse.
[SCOFFS] Okay.
Oh! You're a nurse.
Could you look at my hands? I think they're getting bluer.
[MONITOR BEEPING RAPIDLY] Okay, I'm gonna need everyone to step out now.
You heard her.
Everyone out.
Your presents are gonna have to wait.
And, Greg, your hands are fine.
Doris has an actual medical emergency.
Hey, is something wrong? What's that thing beeping for? Everything's okay.
Someone just unplugged your fetal monitor and the backup battery ran low.
Oh.
Sorry, my bad.
I was gonna charge my phone.
Maybe Mom's right.
Maybe I'm just making myself crazy.
Al Capone thought he was going crazy, but in reality, it was the syphilitic dementia.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] You know, if you want to ask Gina out, you should practice first by asking someone else out.
Who? Anyone.
How about her? Are you nuts? She's like 80.
It's not like she's gonna go out with you.
It's just practice getting the words out.
Just go up there, be charming, make her laugh.
Eyo and I used to laugh all the time.
Maybe we were meant to be together, and I just threw it all away.
Maybe he's my soul mate, and I All right.
All right.
You win.
I can't listen to this.
I'm gonna take a run at the granny in the gift shop.
Hi.
Um If you don't have anything to do, would you like to sell me this license-plate key chain? Sure Larry.
So? Great advice.
My confidence is officially in the toilet.
And I just spent like $8 on a license-plate key chain.
Eyo's car had a license plate.
Hey, there's Andrew Wages.
We do Revolutionary War reenactments together.
I'm gonna go say hi.
Hey, Andrew.
Merry Christmas.
Oh.
Hey, Greg.
Bummer you have to work on Christmas.
Ah, now you think I'm a terrible doctor.
Well, I'm not.
I just refuse to play their political games! [SIGHS] Hey, what's going on with your hands? - Right? - Yeah.
They're bluish gray.
That's what I've been saying! You know, that could be serious.
I knew it could be serious! Wait.
It could be serious? [BOTH EXHALING SLOWLY] It's all right.
Just breathe.
You're having another contraction.
It's not just the contractions.
I'm having a fourth child.
I told this thing not to come out until tomorrow, and the son of a bitch is already not listening to me.
Uh, do you realize in that scenario, you just called yourself a bitch? Shut up, laptop.
What am I doing having another child? I haven't done a very good job with my first three.
You have done a great job.
My kids hate me.
That's true.
I take back what I just said.
It's 'cause you tiger-mom the hell out of them.
Think of baby number four as an opportunity to do things differently.
You mean I could, like validate its feelings, even if they're stupid? Yes.
That's pretty much the job.
We wanted to see if Doris was okay.
You guys are so sweet.
Yes, she and the baby are perfectly fine.
Presents! Okay.
We got the breakfast.
We got the fireplace.
We're all together, so we can open some Hang on.
I don't see your dad.
Oh, Dr.
Wages took him for some blood tests.
What? That's not possible.
He would've texted me.
Oh.
Frankly, I can't believe you ignored your symptoms for so long.
[SIGHS] Katie, don't blame yourself, although that would be the natural place for you to go.
What do you think it is, Dr.
Wages? Well, I can't be certain, but some of the symptoms are consistent with gangrene.
Are you serious? Deadly.
- It's deadly? - Oh.
No.
No, sorry.
I just mean I'm really, really serious.
You're not the first one to be confused.
- Really got to stop doing that.
- Mm-hmm.
Amputation is a far greater risk.
I concur.
My last Christmas with hands.
Look on the bright side maybe you'll get hooks for hands.
That'd be cool.
Plus my friend, Dahlia, might finally shut up about her dad's glass eye.
[HUSHED] I don't want to have hooks for hands.
Why don't you guys go wait with Anna-Kat in the hall? Sweetheart, stay calm.
You are not losing anything.
Your friend Doris says she needs you right away.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna go explain the situation to Doris and be right back.
But you won't be alone.
Hold on to Angela.
Maybe for the last time.
Hurry back, Katie.
- [SIGHS] - Is Dad gonna be okay? We're still waiting on the tests, but I don't want you guys to worry.
Yeah, but if they have to take the hands, could they replace them with, like, Go-Go-Gadget Hands? Like a whisk and an umbrella so he can make pancakes in the rain.
That's an excellent silver lining.
I'll be right back.
Poor Dad.
Life can change in an instant.
I don't want to live with regrets.
Me neither.
I'm gonna call Eyo and get back together.
And I'm gonna go ask out that for-sure-plays-ukulele lady who works in the gift shop.
You seem better.
Did your drugs kick in? Totally.
And now I see things so much clearer.
So I may have made a few mistakes with my first three.
I'm gonna do better with this one.
I'm taking a do-over.
That's great, Doris.
Now it's time to unclench and let nature take its course.
You're right.
I love my Christmas baby.
And I love these drugs.
I'm glad you're in a good place, because I've been neglecting my family, and I need to get back to Greg.
[TAPS DORIS' LEG] Oh, no.
No, no.
Katie, don't go.
Suck some of this stuff out of my I.
V.
and come on this ride with me.
Got to go.
Next baby! Hi.
I'm back.
Seeing as it's Christmas and all, I'd like to know if you'd sell me this key chain.
That'll be $8 Jerome.
["DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY" PLAYS] [MUSIC STOPS] Would you like to see "The Nutcracker" tomorrow night? I have two tickets.
- I'd love to see "The Nutcracker.
" - Yes! My mom died this year, and my sister and I used to go see "The Nutcracker" with her every Christmas.
Oh, wait.
The thing is We weren't planning to go this year, but then you come in - with two free tickets.
- No.
You don't understand.
It was my sister's idea to ask you.
[VOICE BREAKING] Then you're both angels.
It's like my mom sent you to me two little Christmas angels.
Maybe I won't turn back to drugs after all.
I got to go.
Ooh! I'm gonna Google your symptoms.
Katie said no checking the Internet.
She said it to you, not to me.
[SCOFFS] There's a whole chat room of people whose hands turned blue.
Ooh, you got to love the Internet.
You know, the other day my zipper got stuck, and I couldn't figure out how to get it loose.
Turns out, you can use a crayon, Greg.
A crayon! [CHUCKLES] Mm.
But you might lose your hands.
- [GLASS CLINKS] - Let's focus on that.
How'd it go? In the following order, I think it went awkward, thrilling, strange, sad, and then purely uncomfortable.
But you asked her out? Hmm.
Yeah.
I guess I did.
You call Eyo? Yep, and as soon as I heard his voice, I realized breaking up was the right decision, and I'm standing by it.
Also, he's dating Bruce Westfield, the co-captain of the water polo team, so that helped.
Did you buy any new pants recently? I bought some jeans, back when framing my thighs seemed like such an important thing.
No.
Listen.
Find some rubbing alcohol and rub it on your hands.
I don't think alcohol is gonna Oh, my God.
The blue is coming off! It's your new pants! It's a thing.
There's a guy that figured out he was rubbing his hands on his new jeans, and the blue dye was coming off.
Look at that.
My hands were tingling from the carpal tunnel.
I must have rubbed them on my pants Oh, no.
Katie's gonna think I'm an idiot.
At least you're not gonna lose your hands.
[LAUGHS] How are you doing? There's something you should know.
No, there's something you should know.
I am sorry that I didn't listen to you when you said something was wrong.
I-It's okay, Katie.
You should know that I-I No.
You were suffering, and I just brushed it off.
I'm gonna change, Greg.
I'm gonna be better.
From now on, I'm gonna be the wife that you need me to be.
Katie that sounds great.
Uh, aren't you gonna tell her I'm sure with your unconditional love and support, this thing will just go away on its own.
I should have been there for you, but I was more focused on Doris and my stupid Christmas traditions.
It's not stupid.
Annoying, certainly.
Inflexible, yes.
It's just what we used to do when I was a kid.
Growing up, my mom always traveled for work, but the only time that we could depend on her to be home was on Christmas Day.
That's why these traditions are so important to me.
Sweetie, we don't need traditions to keep our family together.
We're always together.
I'm not going anywhere.
The kids aren't going anywhere.
And my hands aren't going anywhere.
What? It was my pants.
I [SIGHS] My carpal tunnel was making me rub my hands on my new jeans, and the dye turned my hands blue, so Wait.
So, you're okay? It was nothing? I know what you're thinking It's a Christmas miracle.
[CHUCKLES] [DORIS SCREAMS IN DISTANCE] Go take care of your friend.
Don't you ever flip me down again, Greg.
Who's Mommy's do-over baby? You are.
I'm gonna spoil you, and it's gonna drive a wedge between you and your siblings.
Yes, it will.
Thanks for being there for me.
Now go find your family.
Nah.
I already sent them home to open presents.
I was driving everyone crazy.
You should learn to be a good mom like me.
Merry Christmas! Go for it.
Presents! I hope you and your sister have a nice time.
Thank you Larry Jerome.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS] So, I was wondering What? Would you like to go out some time? Where? I don't know.
Okay.