American Housewife (2016) s02e11 Episode Script

Blondetourage Subtitle

1 Okay.
Last chance to cram before the test tomorrow.
What are the periodic symbols for table salt? S-A L-T.
I'm so glad Taylor and Ellen are still friends.
She is a hot girl's parents' dream.
There is no way Taylor is getting pregnant hanging out with her! Yeah, the only trouble Ellen might get into is exceeding the number of books you can check out from the library.
[LAUGHS.]
Do you want to come over on Saturday for a Scrabble party? Uh You could use the dictionary and proper nouns.
- And? - Dirty words.
I'm in.
Um Mr.
and Mrs.
Otto, is this almond milk or regular milk? Regular milk.
Can I use the restroom? Use the one upstairs.
[FOOTSTEPS CLIMBING STAIRS.]
So game night Saturday? Yeah, unless something better comes up.
Taylor, using Ellen as a backup isn't very nice.
I am trying to raise high-quality, non-sucky human beings.
Mom, I desperately need these sneakers, so I'm gonna offer you a unique opportunity to buy my love.
Golden Goose sneakers.
Comfort.
- Style.
- Sex appeal.
We get it.
He wants the shoes.
His grades have been solid.
How much are they, Oliver? A mere $480.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Hey, Greg! I want a yacht! What do you want? - I want a Lamborghini! - I want Okay, okay.
I get it.
You can stop.
No, it's still fun.
I want a diamond tiara! - Ooh! I want a scepter.
- We have scepters! Make sure you get one with an ivory handle.
- The others are garbage.
- Shut up, Cooper.
The only reason why you want these shoes is to impress your stupid friends in this stupid town.
Here's the contact info for my dad's scepter guy.
I'm AirDropping it to you.
Oliver, the only way you're getting these shoes is if you earn the money yourself.
And even if you did, it would be insane to spend how much again? You just want to make fun of me.
No, no, no.
I really forgot.
$480.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- On shoes! - We could wear them on our private jet.
Or we could take the helicopter.
Helicopter?! We have a helicop Say it and die, Cooper.
How did I ever let you talk me into these sneakers? They were BOGO buy one, get one free at Payless.
Twinsies! I can feel the therapy bills adding up with every step.
[GROANS.]
- Howdy! - Hi, Ellen! Hey, Tay! KATIE: Ah, Taylor's popular friends.
Westport's future housewives, or, as I call them, The Blondetourage.
They're too young to just call them bitches.
Tay-Tay, that jacket is gorg.
Those jeans are, like, beyond.
Oh, my God! Thanks so much! Come on, Taylor.
Do the right thing.
Bring Ellen into the circle.
Oh, no! The circle's closing! Get in there, Ellen! Is she checking the bottom of her shoe like she stepped in something? Oh, God! She stepped in something! - Do not smell it, Ellen! - [SNIFFS.]
- Ohh Ellen.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
We're all hanging Saturday.
You in? Totally! What?! Taylor, I thought that you were gonna hang with Ellen Saturday.
I got a better offer.
I can hang out with Ellen another night.
Her calendar is wide open.
Taylor, not only do you live in Sucktown, but you're its founder, and you own the diner over on Suck Street.
And you know how your food tastes? It sucks! Can I dye my hair blond again? What conversation are you in? Okay, let me rephrase Do you think the founder of Sucktown would look good as a blonde? See? Same conversation now.
Think about it.
This town may have corrupted my other two, but I still have my baby.
Sweetie, I'm sorry I didn't walk you in.
- That's okay.
- No, it's not.
Ever since you read about electrical storms, you're scared to walk alone in open spaces.
I'm your lightning rod.
I'm taller than you, and I've got a mouthful of fillings.
Yeah, but walking me in is a lot of work for you.
I don't mind! Oh, God, you're not making this easy.
[SIGHS.]
Listen.
I don't want you walking me into school anymore.
- [GASPS.]
- It's not you; it's me.
Of course it's you.
You can't even read a clock.
Okay.
Lashing out.
I expected that.
See you around.
I have seen her through all the tough times the fear of water, the fear of the basement, the ham-hiding.
So that's why your couch smells like that? No.
Wish it were.
And now she's tossed me aside, like one of those husbands whose wives got them through law school, and as soon as they made partner, left them for someone better.
I totally did that to Celeste.
Man.
She did not see it coming.
I like that side of you.
On top of it, Oliver is becoming more materialistic, and Taylor cares more about dying her hair blond than her friend's feelings.
And I ordered salad like a dumbass! Angela, we're switching.
No, you just took She just took my pancakes.
Ha ha! - [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Ugh.
On the bright side, Taylor does look better blond.
Ugh! I hate how people always think little blond kids are so cute when it's just the hair! I mean, Brittany Thompson's kids have you looked at their faces? Have you? Guys, focus.
This town is messing with my family.
- What do I do? - Take a page from Angela's book.
Don't worry about other people's feelings and just do whatever it takes to get the results you want.
But learn from my mistakes if you send someone a nude photo and then ruin their life, whew, that sucker's going viral.
Mm.
This one totally retro.
[HARP MUSIC PLAYS, CHOIR VOCALIZES.]
Why don't I just buy them for you? You can't be my sugar daddy.
I'm already riding bitch on your Vespa.
True, but you got to step your game up, esé.
I need my wingman looking on point.
My dad said if I can pay for them, I can have them.
I just need to find a way to make some money.
Don't get a job at, like, a market and embarrass me.
No, man, I would never do that to you.
[RINGTONE PLAYS.]
Mom? KATIE: Stop looking at those expensive shoes.
How do you know where I am? Are you in the bushes? I'm not hiding in the bushes.
I've stopped all that.
I'm tracking you with the GPS on your phone, dummy.
You spy on me? Why do you think I got you a cellphone? To be nice? R-i-i-ight.
That never added up.
Mnh-mnh.
GREG: So, Anna-Kat, how are things? I'm getting the house ready for a tornado.
You don't have to worry about tornadoes.
Oh, yeah? Well, Mark Halloran went out in a tornado and got decapitated by his own boot.
Katie, I thought we got rid of all the disaster books.
I thought so, too.
I guess we missed one.
Anna-Kat, where did you find this book? Under my pillow.
Under your pillow?! That's why we couldn't find it.
It was hidden.
Honey, you don't need to do that.
Mama is always going to be here to protect you.
How did this book get under her pillow? Okay.
I planted it so Anna-Kat would need me again.
Is that bad mothering? Probably.
Mama, maybe we should go back to holding hands in open areas so I don't fly away.
You're right.
If Dorothy would've just held onto Auntie Em's hand, all of that mess could've been avoided.
And that's a fact.
Hey, Mom.
Cute outfit.
You're looking hot today! She's just giving you compliments because she wants something from you.
No, I'm not! Totally unrelated can I dye my hair blond? Remember how awesome I looked? Taylor does look good with blond hair, just like those rat-faced Thompson kids.
But in parenting, no one gets something for nothing.
Okay.
You can dye your hair blond.
What? Really?! - That worked? - Mm-hmm.
Mom, are you using a new night cream? Because your skin is aye-yie-yie.
I'm not buying you those shoes.
You can dye your hair blond only if you start making more adult decisions, such as being nicer to old friends.
Got it.
When an opportunity comes up, I'll be nicer to an old friend.
But an opportunity has come up.
Ahh.
Love you, old buddy! No, Taylor.
Think.
Friends Ellen Saturday.
[SOFTLY.]
Ellen Saturday This is something.
Oh! Ellen.
I was wrong to ditch her after I made plans with her.
So instead of hanging with Summit, Londyn, and Zola tonight, you'll hang with ELLLL I'll hang out with Ellen.
Because of that un-Westport response, you can dye your hair blond.
Thank you! [LAUGHS.]
There's no way you're blowing off that party.
Duh.
The girls and I came up with a genius plan, so Mom will never know.
The last time you came up with a "genius plan," you crushed up Cheetos and put them in your soup.
I say I'm hanging at Ellen's.
Zola says she's at our house.
Summit says she's at Zola's.
And Londyn will say she's at Summit's.
It's the perfect crime.
[SCOFFS.]
You're as dumb as your friends' names.
Mom tracks you by the GPS on your phone, and there's a good chance that your friends' moms do, too.
But there's a way around that, and all it will cost you is 20 bucks a pop.
[SIGHS.]
Listen.
Let's not put a price on this.
We don't charge each other for favors.
We've got each other's backs.
You're my brother, and we're gonna go through everything together.
Okay.
After that nonsense, I just raised the price to $30.
Mama, the birds looked a little nervous today.
Maybe they know something we don't.
Maybe.
Do you want to sleep with me tonight? Just to be safe.
Anna-Kat, could I have a moment with Mommy? Sure.
I'm gonna go put some emergency rations in the basement.
Anna-Kat's tornado book is from the library.
It says it was checked out yesterday at 3:15 p.
m.
Damn it! Cops are onto me.
So Anna-Kat went to the library.
Mystery solved! Didn't you go on a grocery run about that time yesterday? [SCOFFS.]
I go on grocery runs all the time.
Yeah, but you insisted on going to the far grocery store, which just happens to be by the library.
Mm-hmm.
I had to pick up a bunch of boxes of Anna-Kat's special Fruit Roll-Ups.
- A bunch of boxes.
- Yeah.
Where are they? I ate them and threw away the boxes because I was ashamed of myself.
Thanks for making me feel worse! You went to the library, you checked out this book, and you put it under our daughter's pillow.
This is why nobody wants to play "Clue" with you anymore.
You get all high and mighty with the accusations.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- I have to get that.
This conversation isn't over! Hey, Mrs.
Otto! Sorry to disturb you, but I brought this over for Taylor.
It's my famous chicken soup.
The secret ingredient friendship.
Um, thanks, Ellen, but I thought Taylor was with you.
Oh, she canceled.
She said she was too sick to hang out.
Wait.
Is she not here? No.
Her GPS says she's at your house.
- Greg? - Text her.
"How are things going?" "Great.
At Ellen's.
Just spelled 'toe' on a double-letter score.
4 points!" That's weird.
She wasn't at my house.
And she rarely uses words that exceed two letters.
I'm sure there's an explanation.
Do you mind looking after Oliver and Anna-Kat while we figure this out? Sure, Mr.
Otto, but do you mind if I do some light cleaning to take my mind off things? Oh, Ellen, you don't have to do that.
Turn on the TV and relax.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
The GPS says she's right here in Ellen's backyard! - In the playhouse? - I bet she's in there with a boy.
Finger's crossed it's just heavy petting.
You're crossing your fingers for that? Oh, let's just get in there.
Buenas noches, Mr.
and Mrs.
Otto! What in hell are you guys doing in here?! - Where's Taylor?! - I can explain everything.
- Small businesses - [TEXT TONE PLAYS.]
are the backbone of the American economy.
And like any patriot You, the simple one talk! Oliver came up with this really cool business idea.
- Dude.
- No, they're gonna love it.
You don't know them like I do.
You see, kids these days can't sneak out because their parents track their cellphones.
But for a small fee, Oliver and I will hold your phone in a parent-friendly location.
- Ellen's house.
- Exactly! And if a mom or dad calls, we'll text back for you.
Ta-da.
The only part I don't get is that your GPS says you're at home.
Who's covering for you? [BEEP.]
Ugh.
You're suffocating him.
[CELLPHONE CLICKING.]
[BEEP.]
Got to give it up.
She really nailed my voice.
You really thought of everything, didn't you? - I see that you're angry.
- Mm-hmm.
I feel like you're about to squander the opportunity for an "I'm proud of you, son" moment.
You're so right.
In exchange for leniency, I would like to cut a deal by ratting out Taylor.
- Where is she? - At a concert in an abandoned warehouse in North Branton.
You go home, go straight to your room, - and wait for me in fear.
- What should I do? Go home, and no scepters for a month! Aw, man! [MUFFLED UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS.]
Taylor's somewhere inside, but look at this line.
How are we gonna get in? I have a thought.
You're not flashing the bouncer.
Then, I don't know! Maybe a tornado will conveniently show up and scare everyone off.
I don't like what you're implying, Officer.
Wait! I got an idea! This is an illegal warehouse concert.
All we have to do to get to the front of the line is this.
Cop! - Cop? - Cops where? - Where? - I'm not a cop.
You know who always says, "I'm not a cop"? Cops! - Cops! - Cops! [ALL SCREAMING.]
Taylor, I let you be blond so you could fit in, and you have.
You're now the Mayor of Sucktown, and you won in a landslide! - Oh, congratulations! - Here are your phones.
I've already called all your parents.
Mom, I can't believe you did that! - Mitzy's gonna [Bleep.]
.
- Mitzy should! And you want to know why? Because it's extremely dangerous! You're 16-year-old girls! You guys can't just go anywhere you want without telling your parents.
You could've been roofied! Katie, maybe we shouldn't be yelling at somebody else's kids.
That's what's wrong with this country.
People don't yell at other people's kids enough.
You could've been kidnapped, shipped to Singapore, forcibly addicted to heroin, and made to work in a brothel! That happens! What my wife is trying to say is the world is generally a safe place, but it's good to be aware of dangers.
Have you all seen "Room"? - No.
- It seems sad.
Of course it's sad! But that's your future, ladies.
If you keep acting up, some old guy is gonna lock you up in a shed somewhere, and your only friends are gonna be Lamp and Bed and Wall! What my wife is trying to say is despite the depressing subject matter, "Room" is a fantastic film.
Brie Larson is a tour de force.
Taylor, you are grounded for the next month.
Wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
W-What if we cut a deal? - Oliver already sold you out.
- Damn it! Ellen was your first friend in Westport, the only one who would give you the time of day, and you ditched her for a better offer.
Lying to us that's a teenage thing.
Ditching Ellen that's a character thing.
When I was in high school, I was popular like, so popular but I was still nice to everyone.
Even the band nerds and the drama losers.
In fact, if I was too cool for dweebs, you would've never been born.
That's right.
Now, go on.
Apologize to your friend.
Hey, Ellen.
Hey.
[SIGHS.]
Look.
I'm sorry I ditched you.
You've been nothing but nice to me, and lately I haven't been a good friend.
But if you're ever willing to play Scrabble with me again, I'd like that.
Too bad, Taylor.
I have a little thing called self-respect.
And I've pretended "cray" is a word for the last time.
Enjoy your new friends and your new hair.
I'm sorry, Mrs.
Otto.
I took a toothbrush and some hydrogen peroxide to the grout on the countertops, but I didn't have time to do the island.
It's okay, Ellen.
You can come back Thursday.
Upstairs, bedroom.
For the next four weeks, your only friends are gonna be Lamp, Bed, and Wall.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
The disgraced Mayor of Sucktown has been forced to step down.
Now let's go talk to the Governor of Suckachusetts.
[LAUGHS.]
I like that.
As punishment for lying to us Now, wait a second.
I didn't lie to you guys.
Taylor lied.
As punishment for helping Taylor lie Now, Dad, again, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I didn't "help" Taylor lie.
She paid me.
Does a baker "help" someone who buys his bread? Does the butcher "help" someone who buys his meat? Uh-huh.
Does the father "help" restrain somebody from strangling you in two seconds? We don't want you to be a materialistic jerk.
And as punishment, we're taking the money that you made from your phone scheme.
I thought we had a deal for me ratting out Taylor! We did.
I was going to take your money and leave you on the side of the road where you would end up kidnapped And shipped off to Singapore to work in a brothel.
I think it's time you came up with a new worst-case scenario.
[SIGHS.]
It happens! So, Katie, I think it's time we had a tornado discussion.
You're looking good.
- No.
- Okay.
I know I messed up with Anna-Kat by giving her the tornado book.
Yeah.
Why would you do that? Anna-Kat doesn't need me anymore, and I was trying to figure out a way to make her need me again.
And what I did was wrong.
Maybe next time you're feeling that way, you'll come to me, and we'll figure out something slightly less completely cuckoo-pants.
Besides, she'll always need you, just in a different way.
You're right.
I'll go talk to her.
And you should probably return this to the library.
"Death is Around Every Corner: 101 Household Killers.
" I know.
Does that book talk about something called "Tornado Alley"? Nope.
What's that? It's the part of the country where almost all tornadoes happen.
Here.
Take a look.
And we're right here, all the way over to the right.
Huh.
So it doesn't make sense to be afraid of tornadoes? No, it doesn't.
And I have to say, I am so proud of you.
You are growing up and showing some independence.
And if you don't want me to walk you into school anymore, that's okay, too.
Thanks for understanding, Mama.
You're the best.
- Mama? - Yes, sweetie? Boundaries.
Of course.
It's awkward now.
I know.
Just try to push through it.
Wait! Before you dye my hair back, can I do one last hair flip? Sure.
Okay.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Swish.
Swish.
Okay.
I'm ready.
You know what? You can keep your blond hair.
What?! Oh, my God! Thank you so much! - With the following conditions.
- I'm listening.
- One, no tattoos, ever.
- Okay.
And, two, you will let me have bagpipes at your wedding.
Done! What's three? Ohh.
I didn't have a three.
Quick, Katie! Think of something else! I get to dig through that bag of Halloween candy in your closet and take whatever I like.
Sure! You do that, anyway! Ohh! Wasted it!