American Housewife (2016) s02e13 Episode Script

The Anniversary

1 Good morning.
You better not be planning anything special for our anniversary tomorrow.
Don't worry.
I learned my lesson last Valentine's Day.
You're not a fan of grand romantic gestures.
So, no white doves, Cupid costumes, or large boom boxes outside of our window cranking Peter Gabriel? Not in that order, no.
Greg, this is our 18th anniversary, which is traditionally celebrated by not giving a crap.
How's this for an idea? I get rid of the kids for a few hours, and then I make you tacos, like I did on our first date.
No kids and tacos? If I had to write a romance novel, that would be the title.
Mom, tell Anna-Kat to stay out of my room.
I'm gonna let you in on a little parenting secret I have very little control over what she does.
Oliver keeps trying on outfits for his date with Gina Tuscadero tomorrow.
By the way, this is his mirror face.
[CHUCKLES] So, you finally asked out Gina from ballet class.
Need any dating tips? No, I got this.
Okay, but if you change your mind, there's a boom box with Gabriel cued up in the basement.
Gina is from South Branson, right? Finally.
Somebody who can protect my baby in a street fight.
Trip, I think you misread the welcome mat.
[CHUCKLES] Morning, Mrs.
I'm here to pick Taylor up for school.
Trip, it's "Mrs.
" "Otto" is spelled "O-T-T-O.
" Got it like "automobile.
" - Hey, you! - Hey, you.
I like your shirt.
Shirts are awesome.
I could wear a shirt, like, every day.
- Shirts.
- [GIGGLES] Is it possible Taylor's catching secondary idiocy from this guy? Let's face it, she's already no Stephen What's his name? The little genius in the wheelchair? - Hawking.
- No.
He talks through a computer.
I think it starts with a "V.
" I know you want to say "Van Zandt," - but I promise you, it's Hawking.
- Whatever, Greg.
I don't like the kid.
Taylor can do so much better.
We got to do something.
Maybe we shouldn't interfere and let Taylor learn from her mistakes.
[CELLPHONE RINGS] Hello? Oh, hi, Principal Ablin.
Ooh! Which one of our three contestants will be grounded tonight? I am so sorry to hear that.
Of course.
We can come in this morning.
[SIGHS HEAVILY] What did you do [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] Anna-Kat? - Yes! - Yes! You're gonna get so grounded.
You can take my life, but you can never take my [SCREAMING] freedom! You let her watch "Braveheart"? Just that snippet.
[SCOTTISH ACCENT] "Every man dies.
Not every man lives.
" And the rest of the movie.
and Mrs.
Otto, as you may know, tomorrow is Candy-Gram Day here at the school.
It's one of our more successful fundraisers for the last 18 years.
Hey! Tomorrow's also our 18th anniversary.
I'm making tacos nothing big.
Honey, we're not here to talk about marriage.
- I was married once.
- Maybe we are.
Then I found out my 28-year-old wife had been lying and was actually 61.
Anyway yesterday, your daughter told a rather disturbing story to some of her classmates.
Have you heard of Bloody Becky? KIDS: No.
She went to school here long, long ago.
She was unhappy because all the other kids didn't include her.
Then, one day, she vanished! [KIDS SCREAM, GASP] Years later, she appeared in the school mirrors, her hair soaked in blood.
Whenever she sees students having fun like, say, passing out Candy-Grams she jumps out of the mirror and eats their screaming faces off.
There she is now! [KIDS SCREAMING] Her classmates got so scared, they stopped buying Candy-Grams.
We had to bring in a therapist to assure them that it was safe to pass them out without fear of some toilet witch eating their faces.
That is so unlike her.
KATIE: That is so like her.
But I'm required to have this baffled look on my face.
Don't worry.
We'll We'll talk to Anna-Kat.
Thank you.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] [SIGHS] How was I to know? Part of my job working for you is to get you modernized.
So instead of paging me on this beeper, you're gonna text me on your new phone.
Oliver, I have seen smartphones before.
Guys had them in prison.
Hate to think how they smuggle them in.
No, they just go to the Apple Store in the prison mall.
You got something on your mind? You seem preoccupied.
So, there's this girl Gina that I'm taking out tomorrow for the first time, and I really want to impress her.
[LAUGHS] You came to the right place.
Follow these two rules, and she's guaranteed to fall head over heels.
Number one be filthy rich.
That'll be hard to pull off by tomorrow.
Number two Actually, there was never a need for number two, because number one worked so damn well.
[CHUCKLES] Bloody Becky? Anna-Kat! Really? I won't tell it again promise.
I just want stupid Candy-Gram Day to be over.
Honey, please don't ever refer to candy as "stupid.
" I don't even remember you mentioning Candy-Gram Day last year.
That's because I was the only kid in the class that didn't get one.
Honey, I'm sure this year will be different.
You're going to get plenty of Candy-Grams.
And we're not going to waste another moment thinking about it.
Okay? Okay.
You're thinking about it, aren't you? Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna get a list of every little turd in Anna-Kat's class from last year and get my revenge one by one.
It'll be like that movie "Munich," except with Candy-Grams.
What is it with you and revenge lists? I need a list.
If I don't write it down, I forget it.
Look, I'm upset, too, but there's something to be said for stepping back and letting the kids work it out.
Greg, you're not just given the title "Overbearing Mom.
" You have to earn it.
I'm just saying if we keep trying to protect them from disappointment, they'll never learn to deal with it.
[SIGHS] Fine! You win.
But you're dropping Anna-Kat off in the morning.
If I set foot in that school, all bets are off.
And afterwards, I'll pick up some taco ingredients [YAWNING] and arrange for a string quartet to play while we eat.
"No" to the quartet.
And don't do that fake-yawn-while-talking thing.
It's childish.
[YAWNING] You are.
Listen, what happened last year is in the past, okay? But nobody's gonna give me any this year because of the story I told about tearing everyone's faces off.
Anyone worried their face will be torn off isn't a friend worth having.
[INDISTINCT TALKING] - I have three.
- I have five.
I got four Candy-Grams! I got six! [TALKING CONTINUES] How'd it go with Anna-Kat? Funny story.
Daddy said I get to stay home today! "The end.
" [MOCKINGLY] "Katie, if we interfere and don't let our kids experience disappointment, they'll never learn.
" That's fair.
Although, after 18 years, I expect a better "Greg.
" Do you think Greg and I are crazy - for keeping her home? - Of course not.
We need to protect our kids from life's hardships as long as we can.
And that includes using bumpers at the bowling alley, and I don't want to hear another word about it.
Everyone deserves a strike.
I say the more hardships, the better.
It builds character.
In fact, once a year, I like to purposely forget one of my kids' birthdays.
I know taking Anna-Kat back to school and letting her deal with this head-on is the right thing to do.
I just don't have it in me.
I do.
Excuse me.
Did you bring a late note? [LAUGHS] You're welcome.
How was Anna-Kat? Was she okay? Don't know.
Never looked back.
Now, let's talk about something that's actually interesting.
What's going on between Taylor and that ding-a-ling boyfriend of hers? [GROANS] They're still going strong.
As far as I can tell, he has no redeeming qualities.
Well, as long as she's happy [LAUGHING] - [LAUGHING] - [LAUGHING] Can you imagine if that's how we really felt? [LAUGHTER] He drives me crazy.
Well, maybe that's the point.
Sounds like Trip's the guy you bring home to piss off your parents.
Oh, yeah.
I dated one of those.
He checked all the boxes van, neck tattoo, strong commitment to the sleeveless T.
The more they hated him, the more I liked him.
So if you want to get rid of this Trip guy fast, you need to embrace him.
You know, mine also had a van, neck tattoo, and no sleeves.
Was yours Mark - Anderson? - McKenna? Holy crap, girl.
We were this close to being Bajingo Sisters.
What do ya think? You look like a million bucks.
Thanks, Spencer.
That wasn't a compliment.
Hence the comparison to chump change.
What should I do? My date's in an hour.
Don't worry.
I got you covered.
I planned every moment of your evening.
A limo will pick you up and take you to my old favorite spot, Chez Royale.
I don't know what to say.
Well, it's the least I could do.
You were there for me the moment I got out of the big house.
Just a minute.
We need to deal with your pale complexion.
How? Well, you don't have time to do it the natural way, so I've done some Yahoo-ing on my cellphone, and I found Dimitri! Paint him "Spencer Blitz Brown.
" You know what goes good with anniversary tacos? Guacamole.
- Say "salsa.
" - Salsa.
Salsa dancing, with Westport's preeminent salsa instructor, Javier Gonzalez.
Greg, for our 20th, I promise you I'll consider that and then ultimately bail.
Mama, Daddy, guess what! I got four Candy-Grams today! Honey! That's amazing! I told you it would work out.
Do you know who gave them to you? No, but my guess is Skyler and three of the seven girls named Madison.
I'm going up to my room to open one.
Hold on.
Didn't you get a ride home from Taylor and Trip? Yeah.
She's watching him do push-ups in the driveway.
TAYLOR: Whoo! 69, 70, 71 [SIGHS] Greg, it's time for Operation "Embrace Our Daughter's Boyfriend So She Thinks We Like Him And Stops Dating Him.
" I realize I need a better code name.
This is a nice place, huh? [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS, MAN COUGHS] Isn't it a little old? Some might say "old.
" Some might say "classy.
" I say "old.
" Sir, you have a phone call.
Hello? Nothing tells a lady you're big-time like a giant phone brought to your table.
I need to call you back.
Pretending you're too important to talk well played! Now, remember the ice-breakers.
What's her favorite movie, favorite color, who's her favorite Bee Gee.
And if she says "Maurice Gibb," dump her immediately 'cause she is [Bleep] crazy.
[SIGHS] So uh what's your favorite movie? I don't know.
When I was little, I watched "Tangled" about a thousand times.
Never seen it.
But I was little once.
Maybe we should order.
They said the kitchen closes at 7:30.
Oliver, this whole night has been super weird.
- Which part? - All of it this place, the giant stretch white limo, your spray tan.
Yeah, this guy Dimitri wouldn't stop blasting me.
Look, when you asked me out, I was kind of excited, but You know what? I'm just gonna go.
At least let the driver take you home.
It's okay.
I'll just go to my parents' restaurant.
I'm supposed to work there later anyway.
[TELEPHONE RINGS] Hello? Hate to interrupt.
About my new phone my wallpaper is a mountain.
How do I make it a butterfly? [CHUCKLES] [MUFFLED] This is my favorite food.
That's why we got you the jumbo pack of gummy worms.
We always want you to feel welcome here.
[CHUCKLES] We are so glad the two of you found each other.
God is smiling on us.
Reel it in, Katie.
Taylor, why don't you get Trip some more gummy worms? Why are Mom and Dad suddenly being so nice to Trip? It's freaking me out.
They're probably using reverse psychology to make you less into him.
[SCOFFS] Yeah, right.
Trust me I know what I'm talking about.
I'm 8 years old, and I've been in therapy for four of them.
I'll have you know, gummy worms are my most favorite.
She does love them.
Mom and Dad want to play games? I'm game.
Taylor, we were just telling Trip how much we are loving having him here.
Great! Then maybe we should join you for your anniversary dinner tonight.
Uh no.
I'm sure you two have better things to do.
Oh, we do, but we're just gonna put them on hold because we're all enjoying each other's company so much.
They're making tacos.
Tacooooooos! Just when I thought this anniversary couldn't get more special.
[CRUNCH] Killer grub, Mr.
I'm glad you like them, Trip.
I'll get you some more.
[CLEARS THROAT] Katie, help? Sure, honey.
[SIGHS] I feel like my plan is backfiring.
You think? The most romantic thing to happen at the dinner was when me and Trip accidentally touched hands when we went for more cheese.
- Ugh.
- [TRIP GROANS] I'm gonna go make some more room.
Then I'm coming back for thirds.
I do admire how he knows his system.
I know what you two are up to.
You're just trying to use Anna-Kat, what's it called, again? ANNA-KAT: Reverse psychology! reverse psychology! Taylor, we both know that you're just dating him to annoy us.
Has it occurred to you that I might be dating him because I actually like him and it has nothing to do with you? [SCOFFS] You know I don't function that way.
From now on, I'd appreciate it if you both stopped butting into my life! Trip! We're leaving! TRIP: But thirds? Why are you home so early? And why does your skin look like the inside of a peanut butter cup? I don't want to talk about it.
Trip, let's go.
[CELLPHONE RINGS] Hello? Principal Ablin.
No one goes anywhere.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] I'm sorry to hear that.
Of course.
We will deal with this immediately.
[MUSIC FADES, STOPS] [CELLPHONE THUDS] Come on, Anna-Kat! - Yes! - Yes! Please Principal Ablin is a sad man who's jealous of my happiness.
Wait for us upstairs.
We're out of here.
I'm going to my room.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] This is worse than our ninth anniversary, when I released the doves into the ceiling fan.
[IMITATES FLUTTERING] KATIE: Anna-Kat? Where'd she go? - [KNOCK ON DOOR] - KATIE: Are you in there? Come back later! I need some privacy! Privacy? Normally, she wants me to hold her hand while she poops.
- We're going in.
- Mm-hmm.
What are you doing? Getting rid of the evidence, like the guy in "Fargo" when he put the body in the wood chipper.
You let her watch "Fargo"? You were supposed to close your eyes for that part.
Anna-Kat, the principal told us why you have so many Candy-Grams.
You've all angered Bloody Becky, but there's still a way to stop her from ripping out your eyeballs and eating them like Spanish olives.
I love Spanish olives.
This is not the time, Franklin.
All Candy-Grams must be thrown into a volcano.
As it happens, I'm visiting one later.
You told us that you were done with Bloody Becky.
I was worried I wasn't gonna get any Candy-Grams, so I took action.
I understand you were nervous, but you promised you wouldn't tell any more stories, and then you lied to us and did it anyway.
For punishment, no electronics and no more secret movie night with your mom.
You heard your father.
We finish watching "The Shining," and that's it! Now go to your room.
[HUFFS] I need to use your makeup remover.
So, Oliver, tell us about your date.
It went amazing.
That's why I got home at 6:00 and look like a preppy Cheeto.
She'll never go out with me again.
We interfered with Taylor, and that didn't work out.
We didn't interfere with Anna-Kat, and that also didn't work out.
- What's our move? - Maybe we interfere with Oliver, but we just call it "getting involved.
" Oliver, you know, it's not too late to win her back.
Trust me it is.
The date was a disaster.
I don't know.
Sounds like Gina needs a big romantic gesture.
Do you have any experience with those, Greg? I've been known to dabble.
What kind of stuff does Gina like? All I got was that she liked the movie "Tangled.
" I can work with that.
Man! This stuff isn't gonna cut it.
I'm gonna need to use that stuff drag queens use.
We're almost done.
You should go get Gina.
You think this is gonna work? If it'll make you feel more confident, we could always have an old dude on standby with a giant phone.
I shared that with you because I felt safe.
Taylor, you texted me that you weren't coming and that you wanted nothing to do with us.
Well, Trip changed my mind.
His exact words were, "There's nothing more important than family.
And family is really important because it's family.
And family is family.
And that's important.
" Well said, Trip.
[GIGGLES] Hey, Anna-Kat.
Let me help you out with that.
Maybe he does have some redeeming qualities.
Damn it.
[BELLS JINGLE] What are you doing here? Listen, I'm really sorry about tonight.
I got to get back to work.
Hold on.
Before you go, I just want to show you one thing.
[BELLS JINGLE] It's all about you It's about you It's all about you, baby It's all about It's all about you It's about you It's all about you [LAUGHING] Oh, my God! It's like my favorite scene from "Tangled"! You did this for me? I thought you might like it.
And I would answer all your wishes If you asked me to But if you deny me one of your kisses Don't know what I'd do So, hold me close and say three words Like you used to do Dancing on the kitchen tiles So I told you with a smile It's all about you It's all about you It's about you It's all about you, baby It's all about It's all about you How come you never do something like this for me? about you, baby It's all about you It's all about you [LAUGHTER] - Whoo! - Pepperoni! [INDISTINCT TALKING] Happy anniversary.
18 years.
Look what we did together.
It is amazing what a little love and a lot of white wine spritzers can create.