American Housewife (2016) s02e14 Episode Script

Midlife Crisis

1 Do you know Chloe Brown Mueller is running for Fairfield County councilperson? I've been trying to think of a way to deface her lawn signs by rearranging the letters in her name.
Cross out the "C" and the "H", slip in an "S", add an "R".
It spells "Loser".
Ah.
Sounds like a lot of work.
I think I'll just draw penises on them.
[HANS GRUBER OINKING.]
Anna-Kat, how many times have I told you? Do not feed Hans Gruber from the table.
He's only gaining 10 pounds a day.
He's wasting away to nothing! Hans, go! [SIGHS.]
Oliver, dinner table now.
I'm waiting for my Mandarin grade to post.
Why are you so worked up about this grade? You always get straight A's.
I know I do, but Jeremy Fleisher's gonna obliterate the curve in my Mandarin class.
How do you know that? His parents just brought him a 12-year-old from China for Christmas.
His parents brought him a 12-year-old human being? No, it's a foreign exchange program.
They're supposed to teach the kid English, but instead, they make him tutor Jeremy in Mandarin.
- Could I please have more - Unh-unh-unh! You know the rules.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Grades are in.
I got a B-plus?! My life is ruined! Ruined! A B-plus is great.
Of course you think a B-plus is great 'cause your life is a C-minus! Hey! Calm down! You're in eighth grade.
Eighth grade doesn't count.
It all counts! It all counts! He's really worked up.
He's doing that thing where he repeats everything.
Honey, let me give you some perspective.
Take your father and me.
He was obsessed with grades.
Me I didn't worry so much and just enjoyed my life.
Guess what.
We wound up in the same place same house.
Actually, I'm doing a little better because I don't have to go to work.
And you don't have to wear real pants if you don't want to.
And I don't have to wear real pants if I don't want to! I'm on a track, and it starts here.
I have to become valedictorian, then it goes Harvard, Wharton, Goldman Sachs, then a remodel in the Hamptons that my second wife can busy herself with.
I'm probably gonna like your first wife.
Don't be mad when I maintain a relationship with her.
He puts way too much pressure on himself.
I know.
This is getting out of hand.
Do you think he should talk to somebody? He's not listening to us.
Someone to give him a little perspective.
Yeah.
And I think I know just the person.
I don't even know why I'm here.
You're here because you need my help.
You need to learn how to take your mind off of school.
I saw this YouTube video about this girl who was really driven, like you, and she eventually cracked up and got Auto-Tuned into a song.
The song is really funny if you forget that she's dead inside.
Okay, dumb Yoda, what advice do you have for me? Start binge-watching something.
It'll help turn your brain off.
Easier for you, 'cause yours was never on.
You should listen to me.
Watch a dozen seasons of "Grey's Anatomy" in a row.
You're not gonna care if you get into Harvard or not once you've seen a bomb get pulled out of a body for the fourth time.
Hey, I am going to Harvard! I even practice that phony evasive thing where I tell people I go to college in Boston.
"Oh.
B.
U.
?" [CHUCKLES.]
"No Harvard".
MAN ON TV: Ni ai wo ma.
Ni ai wo ma.
- Ni ai wo ma.
- OLIVER: Ni ai wo ma.
[REMOTE CLICKS.]
- Ni ai wo ma.
- Ni ai wo ma.
- [REMOTE CLICKS.]
- [HANS GRUBER SNORTING.]
- Ni ai wo ma.
- Ni ai wo ma.
Oliver, why aren't you in bed? I'm practicing my Mandarin.
I'm using Taylor's stolen Netflix password to watch a Chinese soap opera.
It's 2:30 in the morning.
You need to get some sleep.
You keep this up, you'll burn out before high school ends and end up at some safety school.
I'm not going to Cornell! Come on! [SIGHS.]
Bed.
[SPEAKING BROKEN MANDARIN.]
That sounded a little like "Go [Bleep.]
yourself".
I'm worried about Oliver.
He's obsessed with his grades and not enjoying his life.
He wants to go to SAT camp this summer.
Can you believe that's a thing? Oh, yeah I lied about my kids' ages so they could start when they were 6.
They have no fun activities just studying.
Oh, and I checked the box saying they could hit them.
- Ugh.
- Remember when we thought having that baby would soften you up? [LAUGHTER.]
We were so stupid.
[LAUGHTER.]
Hello, ladies! Be very still.
Her vision is based on movement.
[LAUGHS.]
You are so funny! Hey, would you mind putting one of my campaign signs in your teeny, tiny yard? Why would you want your sign in my yard? All you ever do is insult my house.
That was just playfully joking around! Right, Maria? Tell Katie I'm funny and I like to joke around.
You're funny.
And I like to joke around! She likes to joke around.
[SIGHING.]
Okay.
Seriously, Maria? I pay you $7.
45 an hour, plus Obamacare to be more convincing than that.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, truth time Fairfield County is bigger than just Westport, so if I'm gonna win this thing, I need to appeal to the poors.
- Ugh.
- I'd put one in Maria's yard, but she doesn't have one, 'cause she lives in a condo [LAUGHS.]
with her parents! Ull! [LAUGHS.]
My mother is very sick.
Oh, sick of you! Up top.
[RATTLING.]
No, you missed it.
You missed it.
I'm not putting your stupid sign in my yard.
And tell your husband to return my husband's phone calls.
Oh, well, Stan's out of the country, so I will pass the message along.
[HUFFS.]
- Aah! - So hot! Oh! Zip it, Maria! Okay? You're making a scene! [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Go! Ugh.
Nicely played sticking it to Chloe Brown Mueller with a Stan question.
What are you talking about? You haven't heard? Stan took off.
Yeah.
He went to Nepal to find himself.
He's drinking yak butter tea and deciding on which god to pray to.
He had a huge midlife crisis and snapped.
That's why Chloe's running for office.
She's putting on a big show, pretending they're both "doing their own thing".
Oh, it's so sad that I didn't know that.
I would've enjoyed it more.
[LAUGHS.]
Stan's a perfect example of someone who pushed himself, went to all the right schools, got a high-powered job, then wakes up and realizes he got everything he wanted but hated his whole life.
Oh, my God.
Oliver is on that same path.
How do I stop my son from growing up and having a midlife crisis? You get ahead of it.
Give him a midlife crisis now.
Or check this box, and I could smack him around for you.
Mnh-mnh.
- Come on.
- [LAUGHS.]
Boom! [LAUGHTER.]
Whatever it is, I don't have time.
I'm studying.
Well, get it out of your system now, because tomorrow we're moving up your midlife crisis, and that begins with ditching school.
I can't ditch school! My science notebook review is tomorrow and Hey! I'm your mother.
And when I say, "You're ditching school", you're ditching school.
But if I get caught, it could go on my permanent record.
There's no such thing.
Now, stop studying and watch "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" tonight for inspiration.
Can I watch it in Mandarin? Nyet! That's Russian.
Shut up, smarty-pants.
I need an extra treat to bring for Franklin.
He'd never tasted sugar before he met me.
Do you think maybe Franklin's parents don't want him eating candy? Yeah, I get that.
He gets all amped up, and then it's all "Blah, blah, blah" about his diabetes.
New rule no feeding Franklin sugar.
Hey, would either of you be interested in going to a stamp unveiling at the library? - Not it! - Not it! How about if I told you it's a rare banana stamp that's a misprint? Turns out it's a plantain.
- Not it! - Not it! Don't you have a friend you can go with? Not really not since Stan left.
So find someone else.
It's not easy making friends once you get older.
I tried this Adult Friend Finder website.
It was not what I thought it was.
I have an idea.
Why don't you take Anna-Kat to the park? There's always dads hanging around.
Maybe you can meet someone there.
I don't know.
Hey, anyone would be lucky to be your friend.
Okay.
Alright, everybody in the car.
Are you sure making Oliver skip school is a good idea? Trust me it's just what he needed.
He's even sleeping in.
Not a bad start to his ditch day.
I don't remember agreeing to this.
This isn't one of those things that we both have to sign off on.
Oh, so you get to do whatever you want with Oliver, but I buy one rug from Cost Plus without consult Rugs are different than kids, Greg! Oliver, I would not be a good mother if I let you sleep away your ditch day.
[SNORING.]
[SINGSONG VOICE.]
Oliver! [SNORING CONTINUES.]
What the [HANS GRUBER OINKS.]
KATIE: He went to school! He reverse-Ferris Buellered me.
And instead of a mannequin, it's a pig! Oliver thinks he's pulled a fast one on me.
I'll show him.
I'm not washing these sheets for a month.
[OINKING CONTINUES.]
[SPEAKING MANDARIN.]
I need to speak with Oliver Otto.
Son, I want you to know I wake up every night drenched in sweat because my job entails delivering news like this.
News like what? What are you talking about? I sweat right through my pajamas.
Then I lay there alone, shivering in the dark, staring into the abyss.
But I've trained for this moment.
Your mother's been in an accident.
There's a car waiting for you outside.
[SIGHS.]
Mom, what happened? Principal Ablin said you had an accident.
I did.
I did have an accident.
I opened up a bag of Bugles, and they went everywhere.
[LAUGHS.]
You are a psychopath.
Mother/son ditch day, here we come! I'm going back to school.
[LOCK CLICKS.]
What I really meant to say is, I'm glad you're okay.
Aw, sweetie.
[BUTTON CLICKS TWICE.]
Are you holding your finger on the door lock while you hug me with only one arm? I don't know.
Are you trying to unlock the door while you hug me with only one arm? [BUTTON CLICKING.]
[LOCKS CLICKING RAPIDLY.]
That's it! I'm driving while locking! I'm driving while locking! [CLICKING CONTINUES.]
There you go.
Just get in the circle.
Just edge your way in.
That's it.
That's it.
That's not it.
Giants fan, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
They've got to figure out their quarterback problem, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
You like stamps? Oh, Greg.
Hey, look! You two have the same sneakers.
Why don't you talk about it? New Balance.
Yeah the shoe of dads everywhere.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm Greg.
- Charles.
- Oh, nice to meet you.
Yeah, it's good to meet you, too.
So, Cassidy, is that your dad my dad's talking to? Yup.
They seem to be getting along.
Look.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
So cute.
Do you want to come over to my house for a playdate later today? Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God! Why is that funny? You're filthy now.
Sandy belly! Ho ho ho! [GIGGLING.]
The things I do for him.
[LAUGHING.]
You can't tell me this hasn't been a fun day.
We snuck into a movie, half-made a Build-A-Bear, then ran out, and went engagement ring shopping and creeped out that woman at Zales.
This whole day had no productive outcome.
And I'm gonna get a zero on my science notebook entry.
Who cares? I'll write you a note.
You have got to lighten up, or before you know it, you're going to be drinking yak butter in Nepal.
That sounds like Disneyland compared to the Zales experience.
What is Chloe Brown Mueller doing in our front yard?! If I let you drive, would you run her over? - Mom.
- Come on.
They'd try you as a kid, and then you'd be out in 18 months.
[TIRES SCREECHING.]
[SIGHS.]
[VEHICLE DOORS CLOSE.]
I told you that I don't want your signs in my yard! Yeah, that's why I did it when you weren't home, dum-dum.
Well, I'm pulling them out! Go right ahead.
I posted this all on Instagram.
The poors are gonna drop their Whoppers and their 40-ounce colas and vote Chloe Brown Mueller, baby! You can't trespass on my property and stick your stupid signs in my lawn! Oh, speaking of stupid things stuck in the grass, nice flamingo.
- Ull! - I like it.
It's witty and unexpected.
It's not witty and unexpected, Maria! It's trashy and crappy! Isn't that what you meant? It belonged to my grandmother.
She collected them.
And I like to keep one in my yard to remind me of her.
Oh, you're killing me! Your grandmother collected plastic flamingos? What else did she collect? [LAUGHS.]
Quick Maria, give me some trashy and crappy things so I can ask Katie if her grandmother collected them.
Um, I Oh, my God, you're useless.
Get in the car! I don't know why I pay your health insurance.
I have a $12,000 deductible.
Doesn't mean you can't fix that chin! Grandma to the rescue! We are going to flamingo Chloe Brown Mueller's lawn tonight.
What does that even mean? You put flamingos in someone's yard.
Like, a lot of them.
How is that a good idea? You said that before we went into Zales, and we got free sparkling waters.
So, you have a friend coming over? Yeah.
We really hit it off.
Thanks for making me get back out there.
Ever since Stan left Piece of advice don't talk about Stan with this new guy.
He does not want to picture you with another dad.
Got it.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
That must be your playdate.
- Our playdate.
- Sure.
I'm not a big fan of this Cassidy girl, so let's say we have a hard out at 5:00.
Okay.
Come on.
- GREG: Hi.
- Hi! Where's your dad? He's playing tennis with his buddies.
Oh, I thought Sounds fun.
Come on in.
Yay! New plan I'm gonna play with her for 10 minutes, and then I'm gonna make myself throw up.
This is going to make Chloe Brown Mueller lose her mind.
I would not want to be Maria tomorrow.
Or ever.
That is one sad lady.
Honestly, I don't understand why putting flamingos in someone's yard is fun.
If you only learn one thing from me, it's that nothing is more fun than messing with people.
Seriously?! That's the one thing you want me to learn from my mother? Well that and compassion, I guess.
You keep up with the flamingos.
I'm gonna go draw some more penises.
Ooh! The L's in "Mueller" are gonna have a sword fight! [SIREN WAILING.]
Cops! Scatter! We'll meet at the house! If it makes you feel any better, at least your wife didn't sleep with your best friend, like McDreamy.
Oh, but then you'd have to have a best friend first.
Ooh! Way to go, McDummy.
Guys, your mom is my best friend.
Problem is, I can't meet her for drinks when I'm trying to get away from her.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Oh, my God! I got to lay down! I can't.
I can't make it to the couch.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
W-Where's Oliver? He'll be here in a second.
He's faster than me, but I kind of went as the crow flies.
[DOG BARKING.]
[GRUNTS.]
How old are you? Okay, have at it.
What happened? We had to scatter! And I'm fat, Greg! I'm a big girl, so it was harder for me! Scatter from what? [CELLPHONE RINGS.]
Hello? Yes, this is he.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, officer.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Yes, we'll be right down.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Scatter from the cops.
I can't believe you got our son arrested.
You keep saying that over and over again.
Let's move on.
What was I supposed to do? Not get him arrested? I've been caught by the cops for flamingoing lawns before, Greg.
They give you a slap on the wrist.
Sometimes, they ask you out.
Sometimes, you end up going to the prom with a police officer.
Trust me it's not a big deal.
I hope you're right.
Remember before we moved here? Oliver was less serious.
He was goofier.
And then we come to Westport, and he has gotten obsessed with all the wrong things.
And now he's on that path.
There's a lot of good things on that path, like hard work and a great college.
I don't want him off the path.
I just want him to have fun along the way.
And I'm afraid if he doesn't, he's gonna end up like Stan and have a nervous breakdown.
I mean, when was the last time you heard him laugh? I miss that.
I miss it, too.
I can't believe you got our son arrested! He was supposed to scatter! We're here to pick up our son Oliver Otto.
Oliver Otto right.
We can't release him to you just yet.
You want to keep him for, like, an hour or so, put a scare into him is that what you're thinking? No, your son is in real trouble.
He was caught trespassing, and he caused substantial property damage.
Mrs.
Brown Mueller is a political candidate, so there's an extra set of special circumstances.
It's flamingoing.
In Florida This isn't Florida! Are you familiar with the term "zero tolerance"? Because that's what you're up against.
He drew genitalia on official election materials.
Can I at least post bail and bring him home? Of course right after he's arraigned, which is in about two days.
Two days?! You cannot keep a kid in jail for two days for flamingoing.
This is a Class "A" misdemeanor.
You'll probably want to hire an attorney, because this is the kind of thing that goes on your permanent record.
Oh, my God, Greg! Permanent record! This'll prevent him from going to college! What are we going to do?! Gotcha! [BOTH LAUGH.]
- What?! - I got you! Special circumstances, zero tolerance? Classic! I always giggle when I'm nervous.
I almost giggled.
You should have seen your face, Mom.
You were totally freaked out.
Why in the world would you do that? Because nothing is more fun than messing with people.
[CHUCKLES.]
You really are a good student.
You were, like, "Oh, my God, Greg! Permanent record"! [LAUGHING.]
Well, you found his laugh.
Yeah.
I didn't miss it as much as I thought I did.
[LAUGHING CONTINUES.]
So, when I get arrested, are you going to throw a dinner in my honor? I don't like how she said "when".
You should know that I've decided to quit Mandarin.
Are you sure? Yeah, I'm gonna take Latin instead.
It's a dead language.
Jeremy Fleisher's parents can do a lot of things, but they can't buy him a dead person.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hi! Come on in.
How are you? Oh, my God cops.
Oliver, run! No, Anna-Kat, it's okay.
We got to talking in the station.
I found out we have a lot of the same interests.
You made a friend? That's right.
We're both philatelists.
Greg is one of the most passionate philatelists I've ever met.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh! I know it means something different than what I'm thinking it means.
It means "stamp collecting".
There it is.