American Housewife (2016) s02e15 Episode Script

The Mom Switch

1 Hey, Katie! - Viv? - [DOOR CLOSES.]
How'd you get in? Oh! I broke in while you guys were away, called a locksmith, pretended I was you, and had a key made.
It's not important.
- Mm.
- Whatcha workin' on? Deciding on the best way to keep you out a guard dog or dig a moat and fill it with carbs.
- [CHUCKLING.]
You! - Mm-hmm-hmm.
Ooh.
Cursive.
What's this? These are the sample invitations for the Spring Gala.
I'm so sorry, but I cannot go to your little Gala.
I don't have any money because of the divorce, and my new boyfriend is a pig trainer, which is not as lucrative as it sounds.
You don't have to apologize.
You're not invited.
It's a school function, and you don't have kids.
Well, I might someday soon.
What now? Things with Dirk are amazing.
Mm-hmm.
Physically, it's so gooood.
Extra O's.
Remember the over-share conversation? This falls into that.
- Oh, right.
- Mm-hmm.
And so that's why I was thinking about having a baby.
Do you think I'd be a good mom? You'd be a mom.
- Right? - Mm-hmm.
OLIVER: Mom! I need you! I don't feel good! KATIE: Viv raising a kid? I'm not sure I could picture that.
Why don't you just tell Oliver your best friend's over and to shut up and grow a pair?! Now I can picture it, and it's not gooood.
Extra O's.
What's wrong, honey? I'm achy and I'm freezing and sweating.
Can you get the thermometer? I have been a mother for over 16 years.
I don't need a thermometer.
Yep.
You got a fever.
Viv couldn't do that with a kid.
Her face has probably lost all feeling from the cheek fillers.
Mama, my science project is done.
You said not to wait until the last minute, but I did wait.
Looks like you were wrong.
It's finished? Both sides? Oh, crap.
There's another side? Mm-hmm.
I have to build a 3-D model of a cell by tomorrow? - I'm ruined! - [DOOR OPENS.]
Mom, where's my volleyball jersey? First game's tomorrow, and if I don't have it, Mandy Ward is taking my spot.
She's already filling up a C cup.
She doesn't need anything else to go her way.
Did you hang it up like I told you to? This is a disaster! It looks like the dressing room attendant at Ross up and quit.
Can you look for my jersey while you yell at me? I know your time is valuable.
The three of you have no one to blame but yourselves.
Let me remind you that, two Saturdays ago, I tried to stop this very moment from happening.
Anna-Kat, you really need to get a head start on this science project.
Relax, nerd.
It's not due for two weeks.
[SIGHS.]
I'm going to Cooper's.
You need to put a jacket on.
- You don't want to get sick.
- Oh, yeah? Did they cover that in your fourth year of medical school? Ugh.
You need to clean your room.
And hang up your jersey so you don't lose it.
Mom, if my messy room bothers you, here's a solution don't go in it.
[GASPS.]
Problem solver! You should have listened to me in the first place, and the 10 more times I told you after that.
Greg? Your mother's right.
When she tells you to do something, you should do it immediately.
Thank you.
By the way, I'm done with my sample invitations.
I assume you've set up the printer? - No, but - Seriously, Greg? You've had two years to set it up.
I'm going to set it up.
You don't have to nag.
I don't nag.
Stop making those dumb faces.
If I were a nag which I'm not it'd only be because you all make me one.
If you did what I told you, I would just be a sweet woman offering gentle reminders.
I want it on record that we did not exchange looks, even though you called yourself "sweet" and said your reminders were "gentle.
" [LAUGHTER.]
Laugh it up, but the only reason why you're calling for mommy right now is because none of you ever listen to me.
That's not true.
Anna-Kat, what did I just say? Greg! No, it's like this.
Greg! - [LAUGHTER.]
- Okay, you know what? I'm tired of you people.
I have given you my life, my body, and my pottery studio.
That's right.
Your bedroom was going to be my pottery studio.
You're on your own.
I'm turning off the mom switch.
But I need my jersey! What do I do about my model? But my cold sweats Mom! No Mom here.
Just a childless woman without a printer or a place to glaze my whimsical pinch-pots.
Where are you going? - [KEYS CLACK.]
- Out.
And by the time I get back, that printer better be working.
Well, I can't deal with the kids and set up the printer at the same time.
Every day, I figure out how to make breakfast, pack lunches, clean the house, do the laundry, grocery shop, make dinner, and vote for Team Blake on "The Voice" while taking care of our children.
I have complete confidence that you can manage the kids and the printer at the same time.
I fold the laundry sometimes.
Not well! Look at you guys, so happy despite not knowing your best angles.
I see this and know, if you can do it, I totally can.
Mm.
Being a mom is hard.
I just make it look easy.
No, you don't.
It obviously takes a lot of effort.
That's why you're always in your yard-work clothes.
But I really think I'm ready.
Ignore the slam, and you could kill two birds with one stone.
Let's see.
Why don't you get some hands-on practice by watching my precious, little angels while I'm out? Oh, my God.
I would love to.
How often do I have to let them outside to pee? They can pee on their own.
If anything should come up or you feel like you need to call me, don't.
Where are you going? My happy place.
Orlando? [GASPS.]
Aww.
People like you love it there.
[CHOIR VOCALIZES.]
Welcome to Hideaway.
Can I help you find anything? [STOMPS FOOT.]
Just the spark of life I used to have.
Have a sample.
Don't be shy.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh.
You must be new.
Uh [INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMEN OVER P.
A.
SYSTEM.]
The mom switch is off.
My phone ringer is off.
What else should be off? [BRA CLASP SNAPS.]
There ya go.
Excuse me.
That's my seat.
I don't see your name on it.
Hitting other people's children is wrong.
Hitting other ople's children is wrong.
Hey! You two.
Get out of here, or I'm gonna tell your parents I caught you touching the mannequins in their bathing-suit area.
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMEN OVER P.
A.
SYSTEM.]
Ah! Adam, thank God you're working today.
Well, I wouldn't normally be, but I'm filling in for Heather.
Her grandmother's in the hospital again.
Either live or die, lady.
Make a decision.
Ohh.
Heather's the worst.
She always gives me a look when I don't donate to charity at checkout.
Ugh.
Stupid Heather.
So, what can I do to make your life better today? Oh, Adam, you're my perfect Hideaway husband.
I have some sample invitations that I need to print out for the Spring Gala.
I'm the Gala Chairwoman.
- [GASPS.]
Whoa.
- Hm.
I heard the woman who chaired the Gala last year got so overwhelmed by the work and the pressure that she stripped naked and started pelting people with cans of tuna.
No, she just yelled at a shrimp tower.
- Oh, well, that's less fun.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I can't have you going crazy, so let me help you with your invitations.
- What's the theme? - Bollywood.
[GASPS.]
The drama! The romance! The dance numbers! - Mm-hmm.
- It's perfect.
Oh, you know what would be amazing? Nathan Fillion riding around on an elephant? Shut up! That's exactly what I was going to say! Okay, so tell me where the printer's product key is and I'll read it back.
Stop telling me it's in the instruction book.
I just told you I lost the instruction book! Hello? Hello? Gimme those invites.
Okay, they're all on this.
[BOYS IMITATE AIRPLANE ENGINES HUMMING.]
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
Hey! That's it.
I'm telling your parents, who, by the way, are getting a divorce.
And they're gonna say it's not because of you, but it is.
BOY: Let's go.
I don't know who their parents are.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
So many kinds of Cheerios.
Normally, I'd text home to see who wants what, but I'm gonna decide what flavor I want, and I want Very Berry.
Can I eat this entire box and throw it out before I get to a checkout? Let's try it.
Oh, There you are.
Here's the update.
Ugly people are breeding at alarming rates, and they're all printing up their baby announcements here.
- Ugh.
- Oh.
And Heather's grandma pulled through.
- So annoying.
- Yeah.
Anyway, I bumped a few orders down the list, and your invites will be ready in 20 minutes.
- Can you wait? - Yeah, I think I can manage.
- Not in a rush to get home? - Not today.
My kids are driving me crazy.
The boy is sick.
And when he gets sick, he gets really, really needy.
I brought you some soup.
This has carrots.
I don't like carrots.
My mom always scoops them out.
Well, then I can scoop them out.
Also, she puts VapoRub on my feet.
Uh-huh.
I can scoop out the carrots.
And Anna-Kat has to make a model of a cell for science class.
And stress brings out her mean streak.
How about a cell made out of papiermâché? That's actually not a terrible idea.
Look at me, solving problems.
Mom of the year! Now get to it.
I don't know how to papier-mâché.
Well, I certainly don't.
It's no wonder your husband left you.
And Taylor lost her volleyball jersey.
And when she gets under the gun, she gets overwhelmed.
I can't play without my jersey, and and if I don't play, we'll lose.
This game sets the tone for the entire season, and we won't win a game all year, and it'll all be my fault! - It's gonna be okay.
- No, it won't! Everyone will hate me! Like, really hate me! And I'll lose all my friends! Blonde to blonde, you're failing me right now! I am doing the best I can! Why are you yelling at me?! I'm just matching your energy! Well, at least you have a husband to take care of them.
Oh, Adam.
He can't even set up a printer.
For two years, it has sat in his office untouched.
It's not a NordicTrack.
It's a printer! Set it up! Katie, come back to me.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
Today's about me.
The mom switch is turned off.
And you left the flawless-skin switch turned on.
Oh, Adam, I have loved you ever since the moment I found out you weighed 300 pounds in high school.
Have I ever shown you my excess skin? No.
Greg, when were you and Katie planning on telling me your kids were completely horrible? Okay, you're about the 12th person I've talked to.
Do not transfer me.
I've done all the steps unplugged, replugged, factory reset.
I'm still getting a J5 error.
Well, I appreciate that you're sorry to hear that, but I know the "I'm about to transfer you" voice when I hear it, so don't you Main menu! [GROANS.]
[GROANS.]
[GRUNTS.]
You're gonna have a J5 error in hell! It's so funny! Everyone says Katie is the dangerous parent.
Viv, I'm gonna go get a new printer.
You've got the kids.
Wha I Aaaah! Aah! [SIGHS.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- [RINGING.]
It's Katie.
Leave a message.
Katie, your kids are killing me and your husband's gone crazy and there's no hired help to yell at, so can you call me back? Where are you? I don't see why kids love this so much.
If we are in Jurassic times, where are all the dinosaurs? Katie, behind you.
[BOTH SCREAMING.]
Run! [PANTING.]
Oh, hey, Anna-Kat.
How's it going? Not good.
Let me explain how school projects work.
Okay.
I do a quarter of it.
A parent gets fed up and does the other three quarters.
Okay.
Um Mitochondria.
[GASPS.]
Oh, I think I had that in college once.
Y-You drink cranberry juice to get rid of it.
I want Jell-O with banana medallions.
Okay.
Okay.
Um I don't see any Jell-O.
That's because you have to make it.
I can scoop out the carrots.
Ooh.
That was your fault, Viv.
Oh, my God.
Are you okay? This is what happens when I get anxious.
If you could just find my jersey, everything would be fine! No, no, you need paper towels.
Just because you look like a Chihuahua doesn't mean you have to have the attention span of one.
Now start helping me.
- [SNEEZES.]
- Aah! God! That's so gross.
That's so gross! That's it! That's it! That's it! We're going back to your mother.
Let's go.
Get in the car! Oh! Oh, my God.
I can't shield you! I'm too pretty for this! I really am! I'm too pretty for this! [INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMEN OVER P.
A.
SYSTEM.]
KATIE: Oh, look, a mini WD-40.
This is going to solve so many of our problems.
[DOORS SQUEAKING.]
[GROANS.]
I love it here.
You can stroll around for hours while both helping and neglecting your family.
She gets it.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Katie? What are you doing in my house of worship? Are you buying a new printer? What is wrong with our old new printer? I tried setting it up, but the latest software update basically made it incompatible with our computer.
So we wasted 150 bucks because you didn't set up a printer for two years?! - Is this guy bothering you? - She's fine.
I'm not talking to you.
Adam, this is Greg.
Oh, as in "husband Greg"? Mm-hmm.
He's buying a new printer.
[SCOFFS.]
He couldn't get the old one set up? - Mnh-mnh.
- Who is this? You had two years! That printer was in the box for two years.
She even couldn't print out a single recipe.
What's happening right now? Everything she does for you, and you call her a "nag"?! I never called her a nag.
I said she was nagging.
Oh, semantics! You are a saint.
This woman is a saint! I got it from here.
Oh, I printed out your sample invitations, and I used a font called "Samosas.
" Look at that, Greg.
He was gone just a little less than two years.
Can we speak someplace a little more private? Fine.
Thank you, Adam.
A saint! You shared every detail of our lives with the Hideaway guy? He has a name! Adam.
Adam something.
Do you know how infuriating this is? What are you doing? I don't know.
We're fighting in front of a bed.
It just felt right.
ANNA-KAT: Mama! Oh, Katie.
Thank God.
How did you find me? VIV: Oh, it was easy.
I called the cellphone people, pretended I was you, got your password, signed into your account, and searched for your phone, and boom.
But that's not important.
Your kids need a mom, and it is not me.
Any chance you found my volleyball jersey? Yeah, it's crumpled up on the floor over there with my happiness and any semblance of me having a life outside you people.
Ah.
Oh, cool.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
Mom, did you accidentally get me the drowsy stuff? No way.
I drugged you on purpose.
Now close your eyes and let the medicine work its magic.
I need toothpicks for Anna-Kat's project.
- Where are they? - Aisle J5.
- J5.
- Mm-hmm.
Now the world is just messing with me.
Now, relax.
Your jersey was on your desk chair.
Then where did it go? - It was on my chair - Mm-hmm.
- and then my chair fell - Mm.
and it knocked over a Frappuccino, so I had to use my jersey to mop it up.
Where? On the carpet? Did it stain? - I knew you'd be mad - Mm-hmm.
so I shoved my jersey underneath my mattress to hide the evidence.
It's underneath my mattress! You did it, Mom! How is someone so cute so disgusting? [CHUCKLES.]
Parenting is not easy.
Don't beat yourself up.
You did your best.
It's a tough gig.
Well, not for you.
Within five minutes, you knew how to deal with every single one of their problems.
Sure, only because I'm incredible.
But not everyone can do it.
And that is a good thing.
You tried it, it doesn't suit you, so now you know you're one of those people that's just not meant to be a mom.
[SIGHS.]
I think I'm pregnant.
What? I'm two weeks late.
Could it be perimenopau Shut your whole mouth! What did the test say? I haven't taken one.
I'm freaking out, Katie.
- I'm freaking out.
- [SIGHS.]
I need you to go get a pregnancy test and meet us over at the bathrooms.
- [GASPS.]
Really? - Not for me.
For Viv.
Oh.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Oh, God.
Aah! Well [SINGSONG VOICE.]
I'm not pregnant.
Oh! I knew it.
You dodged a huge bullet.
Thank God.
Viv there's a "plus.
" Yeah, plus.
Good news.
- Mnh-mnh.
- It doesn't go by your mood.
Positive means pregnant.
- I'm pregnant? - Mm-hmm.
[LAUGHTER.]
Sorry.
It says "press me.
" [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Today made me realize that I have no idea what to do with a kid, and I never will.
Just so you know, Viv, before Taylor was born, I was exactly where you are right now.
Skinny and super attractive? Well, yeah, but I mean emotionally.
I never thought that I was mom material.
That's right.
When Katie was 9 months pregnant, she looked me dead in the eye and said, "I can't do this.
It's all yours.
Raise it.
Good luck.
Call me if she becomes a famous athlete so I can get in on that endorsement money.
" But the minute she held Taylor in her arms, that mom switch turned on.
Knot.
And today is a reminder that once your mom switch is turned on it's always on.
Even when you're hiding out from your family at your favorite big-box retailer.
But what if I don't have a mom switch at all? I just I need a minute.
["PAC-MAN" DEATH NOISE PLAYS.]
"Press me.
" [SCANNER BEEPING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
How are you doing? I've never been more scared in my life.
Can you help me find my mommy? Oh.
Um Well, there's a security guard over there.
I'm sure he can probably help you.
No, the family rule is if you ever get lost, go ask another mommy for help.
You think I'm a mommy? [WHISPERING.]
She thinks I'm a mommy! [GASPS.]
Yes, of course, I can help you.
You're so pretty! Do you think I'm pretty? I think we just saw Viv's mom switch get turned on.
How do you think she'll do? Ugh.
If that horrible troll Heather can have four of them, anyone can.
Who's Heather? Oh, sorry.
Wrong husband.
So, you just let Greg buy another printer that he's never gonna set up? Don't you take that tone with her.
It was her only move.
The woman needs to print.
We know.
We've had to hear about Greg's technical incompetence for the last two years.
You've known about this for two years? What kind of friends are you that you didn't step in and do something? This woman is a saint! Adam, it's okay.
They're the good guys.
Well, they should start acting like it! Wait.
- You ordered the pancakes, not the waffles.
- Mm-hmm.
Where's that waiter? Hey! You! This is not gonna be a regular thing.
Yep.
Yep.
Understood.
You need to apologize right now.
She ordered blueberry pancakes with a dusting of powdered sugar.
A dusting!