American Housewife (2016) s02e16 Episode Script

Field Day

1 KATIE: It's springtime in Westport, which means birds are chirping, flowers are blooming, and moms everywhere are breaking out their white jeans to show the world just how skinny they are.
Mama? How come you never wear white jeans like the other mommies? Because then Mama can't do two of her favorite things eat chocolate and wipe her hands on her pants.
I love you.
Have a good day.
Springtime also means it's time for the elementary school's annual Field Day, where moms and their daughters split into teams and compete against each other.
- Katie.
- Chloe.
We're picking teams for Field Day this morning, and I noticed you and Anna-Kat aren't signed up.
That's because Field Day isn't about the kids.
It's an excuse for shallow, self-absorbed moms to prove that they're in better shape than other shallow, self-absorbed moms.
To be clear, I think you're shallow and self-absorbed.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
15 minutes and 30 seconds for Becky and I to run from Pembroke Manor to the school.
- Mm.
- My house has a name.
Where's Becky? Hmm? Oh.
Must have lost her along the way somewhere.
Mama! Penny says everyone else is signed up for Field Day, and we should, too.
I think it'd be fun.
[SIGHS.]
All right, sweetie.
If that's what you want, we will.
- Oh.
Oh! - Yes! I am so glad you're signing up so I can not pick you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, I am not going to pick you.
Well, you're not a team captain, so that comeback's meaningless.
Well, imagine I was, for the sake of my comeback.
So there.
In your face! [SINGSONGY VOICE.]
Katie! Hi-i-i! [CHUCKLING.]
Wow.
Suzanne.
There's usually not three syllables in "hi.
" I want to introduce you to a new mom at school.
And get this Her name is also Katie! [LAUGHS.]
Isn't that hilarious? - [CHUCKLES.]
- Suzanne? I told you not to take those Mexican diet pills anymore, sweetie.
They're just speed.
- Nice to meet you, Katie.
- You too, Katie.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm, like, dying! - [LAUGHS.]
- So, what are we gonna do? We can't have two Katies with kids in the same class, so we're gonna have to find a way to tell you two apart.
Well, I'm Katie Otto, so I guess I could just go by "Katie O.
" Oh, that won't work.
I'm also Katie O.
My last name is Owens.
Two Katie O's?! Uh, I can't take it! [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
Well, I guess we'll have to come up with some other way of differentiating you two Katies, hmm? Could I give it a go? Well, let's see.
You both have the same hair color, so what's different about you? And you just know they're calling me "Big Katie.
" "Big Katie"? I wouldn't assume that.
There are plenty of other possible nicknames.
Really? Like what? You could get a tattoo on your face.
Be "Tattoo-Face Katie.
" They'd still call me Big Katie.
And you know why? Because everyone in this town is obsessed with what kind of shape you're in.
They might as well call Field Day "Fitness Shaming Day.
" Ugh.
I am so glad my kids are too old for Field Day.
Being the only black family at an athletic event is too much pressure.
The only good thing about having that baby is that it gives me a pass to skip Field Day this year.
That's the only good thing? Yeah.
Well, that, and my yoo-hoo gets a six-month mandatory bone-break from Richard.
You don't have to wait six months.
- Yeah, but he doesn't know that.
- [LAUGHS.]
[CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
They just e-mailed the team assignments.
Oh, good.
I'm not on Chloe's team.
I'm on Nancy's team.
And she made me the anchor in the tug-of-war.
Make the big girl the anchor.
That is so insulting.
Anywhere else in this country, I am a normal-sized woman.
My aunt in Wisconsin is worried that I'm wasting away to nothing, but here, compared to these stupid, competitive, white-jeans-wearing, underfed skinnies, I'm an anchor! Damn.
Big Katie's on a tear today.
Yeah.
Just the man I was looking for.
I'm entering my grandfather's famous chili recipe in the cook-off at the Field Day tomorrow, and I thought I'd teach you to make it.
Is there a cash prize? No cash, just pride.
So nothing.
I couldn't be more out.
Oliver, pride is worth something in this world.
Is it? Huh.
"Hi.
Harvard? I'd like to pay for my tuition.
Not with money.
With pride.
What? You don't accept pride.
That's strange.
" Fine.
I'll make it myself.
"Hello? American Express? I'd like to settle my bill.
With pride.
What? You don't?" Dad, American Express doesn't accept pride, either.
- I get it.
- I have so many more.
I'm gonna go write them down and e-mail them to you.
"Hello? Colombian kidnappers? We've decided to meet your ransom demands with pride.
" Hey, Mr.
A.
What are you up to? I'm making chili for tomorrow's chili cook-off.
Chili? That's my fourth-favorite food! Right behind gummy worms, gummy sharks, and Pass.
Do you want to help me make it? I sure could use a hand.
Dad, get your own boyfriend.
He's here to be with me, not make chili with you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Come on, Trip.
But it's chili.
So wait.
You're gonna blow me off, throw on an apron, and make chili with my dad? There's outfits?! [CHUCKLES.]
What? Whoa.
Yeah, sure.
Turn around.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
- Katie.
- Chloe.
- Katie.
- Nancy.
You made me the anchor because that's all you think that I can do.
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, I'm not doin' it.
I'll have you know that I can dominate any event at this stupid Field Day and beat every mom here.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Oh, no, sweetie, you know this is Field Day, not "Mrs.
Fields Day," right? [LAUGHTER.]
If you want, you can have my spot in the three-legged race, and I'll be the anchor.
Thank you, Katie.
- You're welcome, Katie.
- Oh! It just kills me every time! [LAUGHS.]
The three-legged race is for people who train and condition.
I ran track in high school.
It's muscle memory.
You don't lose that.
Hey, no judgment here.
Now, what size T-shirt can I put you down for extra small, small, or the one XL we set aside for you? I'll take the "at least my husband didn't flee to Nepal to get away from me" shirt.
Do you have one of those? [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
We're gonna have fun together.
Crushing your enemies' spirit is always more fun when you do it with someone you love.
- Now.
Are you ready? - I'm ready.
Boing! [GIGGLES.]
Boing! [GIGGLES.]
Sweetie, what are you doing? I thought it'd be fun if we acted like rabbits.
No! We're sharks.
We eat rabbits.
When would a shark have an occasion to eat a rabbit? When a plane full of rabbits crashes into the ocean.
Why would there be a plane full of rabbits? I don't have time to explain how the world works.
Let's do this.
[NOTE PLAYS.]
- [NOTE PLAYS.]
- Anna-Kat, focus.
We have to be completely in sync.
Two people using three legs as one.
One mind, one body.
One mind, one body.
Why would sharks even have a taste for rabbit? Drop it.
One mind, one body.
One mind, one body.
Outside, middle.
Outside, middle.
One person, one body, never to be separated.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
That went surprisingly well.
Inside, outside.
Inside, outside.
Inside Okay.
First, you brown the meat.
Wait.
Before you do Taylor! Take a picture of me, your dad, and the meat.
Really? [SIGHS.]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
That was for social.
Take another one.
- This one's just for us.
- Oh.
Ugh.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
What is going on? Trip and I were supposed to hang out, but now all he wants to do is make chili.
I always knew Trip would leave you for someone else.
I just didn't think it'd be Dad.
GREG: Okay.
Now I'm gonna tell you something no one outside the family knows.
Grandpa Otto's secret ingredient.
[WHISPERING.]
The secret Hey.
[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY.]
I am so not okay with this.
I thought you weren't interested in making chili with Dad.
I'm not.
But that doesn't mean I want Trip learning the family secrets.
Those are my secrets not to give a crap about.
Wow.
Yeah, just don't tell anyone.
Okay, son? Son? Your moron boyfriend is stealing my dad.
And Dad is stealing my boyfriend.
[SIGHS.]
We have to find a way to put an end to this.
Now let's get a pic with the beans.
Love it! [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- I'm gonna make that one my wallpaper.
- Good call.
Inside, outside.
Inside, outside.
Inside, outside.
Can I catch my breath for a second? There's no catching your breath in the three-legged race.
You got to push through it.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
Yes, baby girl.
That's it.
That's it! That's it! Ow! My ankle! Come on! You got it! I can't.
[SIGHS.]
It's nothing.
Try and walk it off.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Ow! I can't put pressure on it! [SIGHS.]
It's okay, sweetie.
We'll pack your ankle in ice, and you'll be good as new in the morning.
And if you're not, I'll pump you so full of sugar you won't be able to feel a thing.
Hey, Trip.
Hey, Tay.
I'm gonna go bikini shopping.
Do you want to come with me? [BREATHES SHARPLY.]
Sorry, babe.
Stewing tomatoes.
Wow.
You just lost to a vegetable.
Watch and learn.
Hey, Dad.
I was just doing some historical reading, and I got a little confused on the tactics that engineered victory at the Battle of Bunker Hill.
Any chance you can explain it to me? Not right now.
We're in the critical seasoning stage.
Why don't you go help your sister pick out bikinis? So, now what? [SIGHS.]
I guess we have to wait until Field Day is over.
All right.
Now we just let it simmer overnight.
- You really think we can win? - Absolutely.
And then we can enter other cooking contests.
Totally.
We could call ourselves the, uh Pass.
- How do we stop this? - [SIGHS.]
We have to make sure they don't win.
- Mmm! - Mmm.
- Mmm! - Mm-mmm-mmm! - Mm-hmm.
- Right? - Mm-hmm.
- What is happening?! I am so bummed about Anna-Kat's ankle.
Now all the other moms are gonna think I'm not racing because I chickened out.
Well, if it makes you feel better, the chili that Trip and I made is amazing.
Great! So, you've had the ability to cook dinner for the past 15 years and just haven't done it? Thanks, honey.
That really cheers me up.
Oh, so, let's just pretend my "Stir Fry Fridays" don't exist.
I'm just annoyed because Anna-Kat and I - totally would have won.
- [RINGTONE PLAYS.]
Hey, Trip.
Yeah, I did get the bean photo, and you're right We do look like badasses.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY.]
Anna-Kat! [MUSIC STOPS.]
Ow! My knee hurts so bad! It was your ankle.
I mean my ankle! - Ohh! - Other ankle.
Ow? Anna-Kat, you lied about twisting your ankle.
Why did you do that? So I wouldn't have to do the three-legged race.
But you were so excited.
I was excited at first, but then you got all, "One mind, one body.
Crush those skinnies.
They're gonna pay.
- Those filthy" - It's okay.
I know what I said.
And that ruined all the fun.
Oh, my God.
I became one of them.
One of who? The moms.
I complain how they're always taking an event that should be about the kids and making it about themselves, and then I went and did the same thing.
That's just not okay.
Anna-Kat, aren't you gonna say, "It's okay, Mama," and let me off the hook? Don't you ever get tired of the same old song and dance? I have to be better.
No more practicing.
Win or lose, I promise we'll have a great time at Field Day.
Sounds good.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
One more shark-bunny-related question.
You've got to let it go, sweetie.
Got it.
- [CHILI BOILING.]
- [SNIFFS.]
Smells like victory.
And it sounds like the ocean.
Let's give it a taste.
This should take care of your problem.
Just make sure you handle it very carefully.
The ghost pepper is one of the hottest peppers known to mankind, so don't touch your eyes or let it get on your skin.
You look cute in an apron.
Pay attention.
Tell him, Uncle Louie.
This pepper will [Bleep.]
you up.
One taste of this, and their mouths will burn.
They'll realize their failure, and their bromance will be over.
I can't wait to see the looks on their face when they try it.
Mm.
Delicious.
Mmm! Totally.
Now I know how what's-his-name felt when he invented the whatchamacallit.
Huh.
What happened to melting their faces off? Let me try that.
It's not spicy at all.
You're right.
What the hell? Uncle Louie gave me a dud pepper.
What's going on? Who's Uncle Louie? What pepper? Come up with something.
O-Oliver and I were jealous of you and Trip, so we put a hot pepper in your chili to sabotage your chances of winning.
So, you just told the truth.
[SIGHS.]
Dad, don't just stare at us like that.
- Say something.
- [BREATHING SHAKILY.]
I can't.
- What's wrong? - My mouwf [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Something really bad is happening in my tongue! What is happening? Remember, the ghost pepper takes about 20 seconds to kick in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thanks, Uncle Louie.
I totally forgot.
The ghost pepper's effects are slightly delayed.
I can feel it in my ear canal! Give me the tap, old man! [GAGGING.]
- Aah! - So that means Aah! [GASPS.]
Oh! Oh! [GURGLING.]
[PANTING.]
There's nothing I can do except wait for it.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
[DRAMATIC CHORD PLAYS.]
[SHRIEKS.]
Kill me! All I wanted was someone to make chili with me.
I need milk! I need milk! - Give me that.
- Mm! I'm sorry, Taylor.
I didn't mean to ignore you.
Don't look at me! I think I'm gonna cry! I'm sorry I ruined your chili, Dad.
Maybe the worst is over.
Just when you think the worst is over, you soil yourself.
Then it's done.
Bad news, Dad.
[DRAMATIC CHORD PLAYS.]
- I definitely hate her.
- Give me a good one! Remember, it doesn't matter if we win or lose.
We're just gonna hop around like rabbits and have fun.
Okay, Mama.
Wait.
I'm gonna go grab us some waters.
I'll be right back.
- Yeah.
- Oh, no.
Oh, I can't believe Katie actually showed up.
She is gonna come in dead last, and my team is gonna lose.
I won't take home a trophy, and I will bring shame to Pembroke Manor.
Okay, this is what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna come in first, of course.
Then I'm gonna turn around, and I'm gonna laugh at her, but I'm gonna hold it in so I don't look like a bitch, like this.
[SNICKERING.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
I got these.
Because we're bunnies! Thanks, Mama.
Now we just have to do one more thing.
What's that? Win.
Now we're talkin'.
We're gonna beat those filthy Okay, Anna-Kat.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
- Well, Oliver, we did it together.
- Yeah.
We combined the chili from three supermarkets and claimed it as our own.
I'm glad I got my sight back.
That ghost pepper caused a really scary 20 minutes.
I can't feel my teeth.
[FEEDBACK.]
ANNOUNCER: Attention, everyone.
The three-legged race is about to begin.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
This is gonna be so embarrassing for you, and in front of your child, no less.
Well, your kids have gotten over having a shrieking vulture for a mother, so we're good.
[GUNSHOT, CROWD CHEERING.]
[PANTING.]
- [SCREAMS.]
- Oh! - [CROWD "OHHS".]
- Oh! My nose! Sweep the leg.
But she's my friend! You're weak like your father.
- Sweep the leg.
- Okay.
Anna-Kat the flip! That's why we practiced.
I dare you to sweep my leg, little girl.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Faster! Penny, faster! [PANTING.]
Oh, no, no! - No! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Yes! You should have swept the leg! What's wrong with you?! Oh, shove your stupid nose! It's my fourth one! I'll break it again! I need a doctor! I need a drink.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, my gosh.
I can't believe it.
- You actually won.
- That's right.
You didn't think we had a chance, did you? None of you did.
And why? Because I'm bigger than all of you.
I'll tell you this.
I have been a size 4 and a size 14, and right now I don't know what size I am because I'm afraid to go clothes shopping, But none of that matters.
The point is, I've never let it affect who I am, and never will.
Because size doesn't matter.
It's what's inside that counts.
And my insides kicked all of your insides' asses today.
[CLAPPING SLOWLY.]
You stop that slow clap right now.
Yeah, B.
K.
is right.
"B.
K.
"? See? I knew it was a matter of time before you called me "Big Katie.
" - Big Katie? - Mm-hmm.
No! B.
K.
stands for "Bitchy Katie.
" Oh.
I can see that.
[AIR HORN BLOWS.]
All right, everyone.
We are all tied up.
Which means everything comes down to the tug-of-war! - Nancy.
- Mm? If we really want to win, I should be the anchor.
But you just gave that whole speech about size not mattering and everything.
Yeah, but come on.
Big girl's gotta be the anchor.
I got it.
Are you sure? Yeah, I'm sure.
[WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS.]
Honorable mention.
Not bad.
Next year, you and I are taking home first place.
Definitely.
So what's the secret ingredient? [WHISPERING.]
Teamwork.
Huh.
Never mind.
You can do it with Trip.
Give it up for your mom, the big winner! Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm so proud of you, Mama.
Thanks to you, we won all of Field Day.
- [DRAMATIC OPERA MUSIC PLAYS.]
- [GRUNTS.]
- Aah! - Aah! Where's my shoe?! [CROWD CHEERING.]
Yay! Ya-hoo! Yay! Why?! With everything that happened at Field Day, I just wanted to bury the hatchet, and I figured, "What better way to do it than over a meal?" CHLOE: Chili? My husband made it.
It's delicious.
Try it.
You first.
Do you really think that I would poison you? I don't know.
When I hurled a clump of mud at your head, you said you were gonna make orphans of my children.
Fine.
Unh-unh-unh.
This one.
Mmm! Delicious.
- Mmm! - Mm-hmm.
Wow, that is yummy! Mm-hmm.
[CHUCKLES.]
Don't mind if I do.
Excuse me.
Oh, my God! Make it stop! [PANTING.]
This is a million times worse than natural childbirth, and it's still worth it! Why?! Why?! Because I hate you more than I like myself.
[SCREAMING.]