American Housewife (2016) s02e17 Episode Script

All Coupled Up

1 KATIE: No, no, no! I did not spend an entire day doing laundry just to have it ruined by one stupid sock! Tell me where your friend is! Answer me, you son of a bitch! Don't worry she always swears at the laundry.
Now, what causes thunder? Oh, I know this one! Thunder happens when two clouds bump into each other super hard.
- Super hard.
GREG: Actually, Trip, thunder occurs when lightning, which is a discharge of electricity, shoots through the air, causing vibrations.
Good one, Mr.
- Hey, Dad, after we're finished studying, can Trip and I go see a midnight movie? Sounds fun, but you have to ask your Mom first.
You know that she can't be out till 2:00 a.
on a school night.
Why do you always make me the bad cop? - 'Cause you're so good at it.
- Yeah.
Spoiling fun.
That's what attracted me to the parenting business to begin with.
Taylor, absolutely no midnight movies.
TRIP: Don't worry, babe.
We'll just see a midnight movie earlier, at like 9:00.
You are so smart.
Uh, hey, guys.
- Hey, Dad.
- Mr.
A! - [LAUGHS.]
- Oh, I almost forgot.
How am I supposed to do the laundry without the laundry? [FOOTSTEPS.]
Katie, can you come here for a minute? [SIGHS.]
What's up? Nothing.
Katie! KATIE: Ohh.
What do you want, Greg? I want you to stay in this room and never leave, ever.
Does that mean I stay here and you do the grocery shopping? Is this some sort of trick to get almond butter back in the house? Not falling for it.
- Want a back rub? - Yay! Mm.
- Your corneas are so tight.
- Mm.
Oliver, here's your laundry.
I put anything you labeled "dry clean only" in the washer because dry cleaning is just a bunch of voodoo.
Why are you taking down all your stuff? Did the ghost of Westport Douche Future pay you a visit? Gina is coming over for the first time, and I don't want her to get the wrong impression.
If she sees all this, she might think I'm a Materialistic snob? A preppy idiot? A pubescent Mr.
Monopoly? Oliver, I'm landing shots left and right here.
Stand up for yourself.
Mom, this is serious.
Gina isn't from Westport.
She's from South Brampton, so she's not into the whole money thing.
So you're telling me that you are willing to change your entire personality for your new girlfriend? You're disappointed.
You think I should be myself, no matter what? Of course not.
I love that you're changing! Your personality is terrible.
Ladies and gentlemen, my mom.
No, I mean, it is terrible.
If I wasn't your mother, I'd be like, "Who is your mother?" Neeeigh! Ahhhhhh-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunck! I made a T.
Rex noise.
Be better, Franklin.
Anna-Kat, you're never gonna believe what just happened.
Try me.
You know how I've been trying to teach your brother that money isn't everything? Well, I think he finally learned his lesson, thanks to that new girlfriend of his.
A lot of windup for very little payoff.
I can see you're not the audience - for news about Oliver's personal growth.
- Nope.
Now, if you'll excuse us, I have to teach Franklin how to make pony noises correctly.
Can I go home yet? This playdate is over when I say it's over.
Hey, great news Oliver is becoming less of a materialistic jerk because of Gina Tuscadero.
Yeah, well, I have terrible news.
I just got a back rub from Trip, and it felt amazing.
Why did you let him give you a back rub? It was the only thing I could do to keep his hands off Taylor.
Those two are all over each other.
I didn't see anything.
That's because, for some strange reason, they're never handsy in front of you.
Oh That's because no one fears the good cop.
You give them dessert before dinner.
You do their homework when they fall behind.
Taylor knows not to pull that PDA stuff around me.
But with the good cop, anything goes.
I want to learn to be a less likable parent.
Teach me.
Next time you see Taylor and Trip's PDA, shut it down with "The Look.
" What's "The Look"? Ooh, that's good.
Shuts the kids down every time.
Give it a try.
You holding in a fart, Greg? No, I'm trying to look mean.
Well, try harder.
Remember how angry you were when we walked into that Abe Lincoln-themed diner and they sat us in the John Wilkes Booth booth? There it is.
That must be Gina.
The girl who made our son less of a tool and, through her parents' restaurant, has unlimited access to pizza.
- Pinch me! I think I'm dreaming.
Remember, Gina is a regular girl.
This is no time to stop acting like yourselves.
- Hey, Gina.
- Hey, Oliver.
Your house is so nice.
Just two good, hardworking people, trying their best to provide for their family.
I'll sign the papers for their teen marriage right now.
You remember my mom and dad.
And my sister Taylor and her boyfriend, Trip.
And this is my little sister Anna-Kat and her friend Franklin.
Actually, Franklin and I just made it official.
We're an item now.
What's an item? How I hooked this tuna, I'll never know.
- Come on in.
So, Gina Oh, come on.
These dishes are so nice.
Thank you.
I got them from CVS.
And this shirt's from Ross, from the irregular bin.
Well, you better not tell anybody, or they'll kick you out of Westport.
Look at that Oliver fell for his mother.
Yeah, Westport's the worst.
All people care about is showing off how rich they are.
- Buenos días, Ottos! Check out what I just charged to my black Amex.
It is a custom-made, Italian leather tote bag.
Everyone, form a line to feel.
Who is this? I'm Cooper, Oliver's best friend.
Really? Cooper and I hang out on occasion.
All the time.
Now, dude, let's go.
There's a bocce tournament at the club, and I have to swing by the house to change into my whites.
This is eggshell.
Actually, Gina and I are going mini-golfing.
Not enough Purell in the world, brotha.
Has anyone ever described you as "punchable"? Sorry, Coop.
Gina and I already made plans.
You and I can go to the club another time.
Come on, Oliver, we gotta leave now if we want to catch the bus.
Don't worry about it.
I'll give you a ride.
Did you not hear me? It's Bocce Day.
That girl's trouble, Mrs.
She's not like one of us.
You don't have any Fiji Water.
I'll put that on your shopping list.
Cooper, the only reason you're in this house is Oliver's here.
So when he's not here, you're not here.
¿Comprende? Smart age up the leather.
I don't want to look like new money.
Oliver is becoming a better person, and I might finally have his obnoxious Richie Rich friend out of my life forever.
The only way this day could get better is if I found that Move over, birth of my children.
This is officially the best day of my life.
Vacation's over, bitch.
NARRATOR: When lightning shoots through the air, it causes vibrations that we call "thunder.
" Now do you believe me? [CHUCKLES.]
Way to double down on a joke, Mr.
So, Anna-Kat, how long have you and Franklin been dating? You mean, when did we first know - we were madly in love? - Mm-hmm.
That's a great question.
Sweetie, when did we first know? I have an extra toe.
Oh, Franklin.
The things you say.
NARRATOR: This is a cumulus cloud.
And this is an altocumulus cloud.
And this is KATIE: A bored housewife closing her eyes.
See ya.
Whoa! Dad, are you okay? Is your IBS acting up? I'm fine.
Just focus on the program.
A, I definitely think something is wrong.
My dog made the same face you're making now, and later that day, he died.
We need to get you to a vet, ASAP.
Trip, the only thing that's wrong with me is the fact that you two won't keep your hands off each other! Dad, you're being so uncool right now.
I don't care.
Taylor, your PDA is completely unacceptable, and I will not have it in this house anymore.
Are we clear? Of course, sir.
I should go.
Trip and I like each other.
We're just doing what couples do.
I expect Mom to freak out, but I thought you were cooler than that.
I guess I was wrong.
Move over, Bruce Willis.
There's a new bad cop on the force.
Yippee-daba-doo, mother-may-I.
Is that right? No.
Grand? - More like a bland jeté, Rachel.
- Rachel's garbage.
COOPER: Hey, amigo.
Dónde está you been? - I gave you a call yesterday.
- Yeah.
Conveniently, when you knew I'd be at my grass court tennis lesson.
Why'd he say what the court was made out of? It's one of those Westport things.
Hey, Oliver, you live in Westport.
Dude, what's your deal? You meet her, and suddenly you're acting all not high and mighty.
- Cooper, let's talk about this later.
- No.
I want to talk about it now.
If she doesn't want to hang out with me, I - She never said that.
- I didn't say it yet.
See? She said it.
She still hasn't technically said it.
I don't want to hang out with you.
Well, now she said it.
Looks like you're gonna have to choose.
Is it me or her? Don't be like that.
Oliver, let's go.
It's high noon, muchacho.
I'll see you around, Cooper.
You get a girlfriend and blow off your buddy fine.
Just remember, before I took you under my wing, you were nothing! You wore seersucker in the Fall like a friggin' townie! It's so cool that you have a pig as a pet.
- Oh, yeah, I love him.
Can't get enough of this filthy guy.
- Hey, Mom.
- KATIE: Mm-hmm.
- I need some advice.
- Sure.
Stop wearing your sister's jeans.
Boom! Up top! Don't be mad.
You give me a setup like that, I'm gonna crush it.
Cooper and Gina don't get along, - and they made me choose sides.
- Mm-hmm.
I picked Gina, and now Cooper and I aren't talking.
- What should I do? - Nothing.
It's always hos before bros.
Isn't it bros before hos? Hey, this is 2018.
There has been real progress in this country.
Hos have come a long way.
You guys ready to go? I'm dropping them off at Gina's family's restaurant.
- The kids will have dinner there.
- Mm.
Dad, you should come in and grab a calzone.
Normally, you ask me to come to a rolling stop, and then you say, "Thanks, Uber driver.
He's joking.
Hey, Franklin, why don't you come with us, buddy? Your house is on the way.
You're leaving without saying goodbye? Seriously, Franklin, what is happening to us? I wanted to name my cat Mittens, but my mom wouldn't let me.
Now its name is Phillip.
- Wow.
I think we should take some time to cool off before we say something we regret.
I'll be in my room, listening to the sad song from "Mulan.
Looks like it's just you and me for dinner, Hans Gruber.
Hola, Mrs.
- Adiós, Cooper.
Oliver's not here.
Oh, I know.
I just saw him leave.
I actually came here to see you.
- Me? - Yeah.
It's bad enough I lose my best friend, but that means I also lose you.
Me? Yeah.
I mean, my parents travel all the time, so you're, like, the only one who's looking out for good ol' Cooper B.
But all I do is yell at you.
Yeah, we have a good back-and-forth.
So, anyway, I just came by to say I'm gonna, you know, miss you.
And stuff.
Yeah? - Have you eaten yet? - No.
Then, why don't you sit down and have dinner with me? - Really?! - Mm-hmm.
Thanks, Mrs.
Just so you know, I'm not expecting anything fancy.
I'll be fine with whatever you're making.
I'll just put some truffle oil on it.
I don't have truffle oil.
Oh, shaved truffles are fine.
If you say "truffles" again, I will beat you with this broom handle.
See, this is the back-and-forth that I'm talking about.
I had the chance to get that spoiled, arrogant brat out of my life once and for all.
Oliver's gone?! I'm talking about Cooper.
Pay attention, Doris.
I let him stay for dinner, and by the end of the night, I am blow-torching his pudding to make it a crème brûlée.
It sounds like he needs you in his life.
I know, and I want to help him, but I can't have Gina going anywhere.
She's made Oliver mildly pleasant.
Then you're gonna have to teach Cooper to be less of a spoiled brat.
I just got Anna-Kat to learn flushing is not optional.
I don't have time for extracurricular mothering.
At least I have the Taylor situation under control.
She and her boyfriend have been a little too PDA-y, and I told Greg that he needs to put his foot down, and he actually did.
So they're not all over each other anymore? Haven't even seen them.
Dude, you played that all wrong.
- So wrong.
- Why? You want Taylor and Trip to make out at your house - 'cause then they'd be at your house.
- Mm-hmm.
They could be anywhere right now, doing anything.
God, you're right.
I was the girl who didn't bring boyfriends home - because I didn't like my parents.
- Mm-hmm.
And what were you and your boyfriend doing at Taylor's age? Well, they called me "Everything Goes Katie," so [GASPS.]
Oh, God! You see, Cooper has no one looking out for him, so with him, by being the bad cop, I'm actually the good cop.
And with Taylor, me being the bad cop wasn't a good thing.
Yeah, because now she's off somewhere with Trip, playing the childhood favorite, "You show me yours, I'll show you mine.
" Aah! That's my baby! Come on, Greg.
She's 16.
Don't make me go to the la-la-la's.
Face it your baby has urges.
La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la, - la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la! - Fine.
I'll stop.
I've got to work with Cooper, and you've got to make it so that Taylor and Trip feel comfortable in the house so that we can keep an eye on her.
So I want Taylor and Trip to make out in front of me, and you want to spend more time with Cooper Bradford? I know I say this a lot, so it's lost a little bit of its meaning, but the kids have truly ruined our lives.
So, to stay friends with Oliver, you have to become friends with Gina.
Is that it? [SCOFFS.]
So easy.
For a girl like Gina, I bet her number's pretty low.
5 grand feels right.
You can't buy her friendship.
You are going to have to stop acting like an entitled ass, and I'm going to teach you how.
Lesson one never say "custom-made Italian leather tote bag" ever again.
Lesson one, and I'm already way outside my comfort zone.
See, all of these things in here are meals that normal people would eat.
Chicken fingers? That's a meal.
Those look gross, but with a little truffle oil Say you're at a restaurant, and you accidentally knock over someone's drink.
What do you do? I crumple two $50s and throw it at them.
You say "sorry" and offer to clean it up.
How do you know all this stuff? [SIGHS.]
Ellie, in the beginning, Franklin was so romantic.
He picked me first at dodgeball, he gave me all the good crayons, but now, it's like we're not even in the same conversation.
Anna-Kat, I don't think Franklin is acting like he's in a relationship.
You hit the nail on the head, Doc.
No, I mean, you're in a relationship with Franklin, but he's not in one with you.
Franklin doesn't even know you guys are boyfriend-girlfriend.
Is that true, Franklin? What class is this? You see what I'm dealing with here? I'm going to my mother's.
Taylor! Can I talk to you for a minute?! TAYLOR: What?! [FOOTSTEPS.]
I just wanted to tell you I made a mistake.
Your and Trip's PDA is normal, and I was wrong to get in the way of that.
I accept your apology.
- And no more intercepting my back rubs.
- Fine.
Because you're comfortable showing how you feel about Trip in front of me, I'm comfortable showing how I feel about your mother in front of you.
Kitty Cat, are you there? Yes, Snuggle Bug? I just wanted to tell you I love you very, very much.
KATIE: That is so sweet.
Seems like Papa Bear deserves a widdle kiss.
TAYLOR: All right, I get it.
Okay! Stop! Oh, we're just showing that we like each other.
- That's what couples do.
- Mm-hmm.
All right.
I get it.
I get it! Do you? 'Cause we can keep going.
- I get it.
- She gets it.
COOPER: Hey, guys.
Come on in.
Mi casa es su casa.
Cooper, this is my house.
What's he doing here? Yeah, what are you doing here? He came over to apologize to Gina.
Look, I understand why you don't like me very much.
I know I can be a Um, what was that phrase again? - The worst person on the planet.
- Right.
Um, but I'm working on it.
You see this bag? You shouldn't care that it's more expensive than anything you have ever owned or will ever own.
That's not important anymore.
You don't realize it, but that's growth.
I want us all to be able to hang out, so if that means I need to be less awesome, then I'm willing to do that.
Will you give me another shot? I know it's hard to say "yes" after he just paid himself a compliment in his apology, but we're working on that.
I'll give you another shot.
Dude? Dude! You say "dude" four times, and you're friends again.
Guys have it so easy.
Oliver and I are hanging out tonight.
You can come with us if you want.
Really? Cool.
Um, what did you guys have planned? I say we go bowling.
We're never gonna find an open lane.
It's league night.
I can get us a lane.
- Yeah! - Wow! Having a bowling alley in your house is the stupidest thing I've ever seen, but those appetizers covered in shaved truffles were delicious.
Yeah, it's no pig in your living room, but I guess it's kind of cool.
What happens if someone approaches you on the street and asks for directions? Have my bodyguard push them in the gutter? No.
You give them directions.
I have so much to learn.
Great job, babe! [LAUGHS.]
Franklin would love this.
My breakup with Franklin was really nasty.
Lots of tears, lots of yelling.
Franklin is a pretty passionate guy.
It's the quality I like most about him, but it's also why we broke up.
I'm so sorry to hear that, Anna-Kat.
Piece of advice don't make the same mistake I did.
Enjoy these moments.
Breakups are hard, Anna-Kat, but most relationships aren't meant to last.
But don't worry the good ones do.
Franklin, you came back! [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
I forgot my jacket.
He can't stay away from me.