American Housewife (2016) s02e18 Episode Script
The Venue
1 I just got an e-mail from the school.
Crossing Guard Sandy is having a "hip replacement.
" Mama, I know this means rehab.
Aww.
My little girl is growing up.
Principal Ablin needs parent volunteers to fill in for her.
Oh, my God, Mom.
Please don't.
Don't you know your own mother? For me, "volunteering" is in the same category as cardio and quinoa.
But you did volunteer to run the Spring Gala.
Only to endear myself to all those idiot moms I hate.
Have you nailed down a venue yet? So far, my only options are the YMCA and that's it.
I was hoping something was going to come to me in that pause, but nothing showed up.
I'm really starting to worry about finding a venue.
I know my archenemies are just waiting for me to fail.
Okay, Batman.
How many archenemies are you up to? Eight archenemies, three nemesises Nemeses.
Nemeses.
And one more mom that just started to turn on me.
She told me her daughter's name was Poet.
What am I supposed to do? Not laugh? Know your audience, Poet's mom! You know, you should really look at the Carson House.
It's a huge estate gardens, room for dancing, and, on a historical note, the outhouse is still there where Paul Revere took a rush number two on his midnight ride.
- There's a plaque.
- Hmm.
The Carson House is under the domain of the Historical Guild.
And as Guild recording secretary, Stan was in charge of all rental inquiries.
Hmm.
I thought Stan moved to Nepal to "find himself.
" Oh, rehab! If I do air quotes twice, it means "flee from bad marriage.
" Yes, but his seat was taken over by his wife, so that means you're gonna need to get Chloe Brown Mueller to sign off on it.
Ugh! Chloe Brown Mueller? She is never gonna say yes to me.
She's like my number-one archenemy.
The Joker doesn't rent Arkham Asylum out to Batman for his bat-parties.
No, he does not.
I need to find someone irresistible to do my bidding.
Aren't you adorable? Thank you.
Can I speak to Chloe Brown Mueller? She's eating her lunch right now, - and she doesn't like to be - CHLOE: Maria, who is that?! I told you to never reveal details about my private life.
Ugh, I forgot after I haven't seen you in a while how rough you look.
Get out of here.
Oh, hi, Anna-Kat.
How can I help you? Okay, first, you need to compliment the store.
What beautiful wares you have here.
[SIGHS.]
Finally, someone with a good eye for wares.
Then you need to say something nice about Chloe's looks.
I love that haircut.
It frames your face perfectly.
And makes my cheekbones look like Keith Urban's.
- It does.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Then take a random shot at Maria.
Maria, there is such a thing as teeth-whitening strips.
[LAUGHS.]
Good one, Anna-Kat! Up top.
[LAUGHS.]
Once the table's set then you make the ask.
Oh, I was wondering.
Can my mom please use the Carson House for the Spring Gala? Aww.
You tell your mama that I hate her guts and then laugh at her like this.
[CACKLES.]
She hates your guts.
[CACKLES.]
[GROANS.]
[GROANS.]
I need that venue.
Of all people, it had to be Chloe Brown Mueller.
Well, you got to come up with something.
The Gala's just two months away.
Can you stop screaming at me? I'm not screaming at you.
You're totally screaming.
Doris? - Yeah, you're making a scene.
- Mm-hmm.
Ugh, I hate it when you guys do that "You're screaming" thing when I'm not screaming.
It drives me crazy! Okay.
Now you're screaming.
You sent in a child to do an assassin's work.
Why not have Angela go full-on lawyer on Chloe's ass? Rough her up a bit.
I have her threaten people all the time.
What's that word you use to intimidate people? - It sounds dirty? - Penal code? - That's the one.
- Yeah.
Do you really think that you can intimidate Chloe Brown Mueller? [SCOFFS.]
I could do it in my sleep.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I checked the deed on your shop and there are some issues.
You have an easement running through your property.
Also, a problem with your grantor-grantee index.
And no permit for the add-on that encroaches on city property.
[WINCES.]
That's bad.
Wow! Could you intimidate the guy at Yogurtland? He keeps calling me out for putting on extra toppings after he's already weighed it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Right this way.
There we go.
- Oh, my God.
- My dad is filling in for Sandy.
Go ahead.
Are you upset because he's the crossing guard or because he's wearing a lady's vest? Remember last year when we did the count-to-three rule before you speak? - It's back.
- GREG: Safety first.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Okay.
Come on.
Hello, everybody.
Hi.
Why is he doing this to us?! What? It's not that bad.
Imagine if it was your dad out there.
[PAINED.]
Why did you make me do that? Has your dad ever been a crossing guard before? Never.
He's a natural.
In all my years as an educator, I've never seen his equal.
Here we go.
My lord, he ZZ Top'd it.
We have to put an end to this.
Hey.
What do you think you're doing? Chipping in, giving back to the community.
- Well, knock it off.
- Yeah, you're embarrassing us.
Hey, the school needed someone to help out, my work schedule allowed for it, so I stepped up.
Besides, it's good for you to be embarrassed every once in a while.
Builds character.
Just gimme the sign, Greg.
Is the baby sleeping through the night yet? [CHUCKLES.]
You'd have to ask the night nurse.
I put on a sleep mask, pop two Ambien, and, just to be safe, I crash in the pool house.
Sometimes, I don't wake up until it's time to come here.
Hey.
So, did you get Chloe Brown Mueller to bend to your will? I went over to her shop to talk to her, you know, play hardball? The thing is, she played hardball right back.
But you know what? I don't give in.
And she didn't, either, and, well, one thing led to another.
What thing led to what other thing? Maria, you're not on break! Clean it up! [BOTH MOANING.]
KATIE: Are you being serious right now? You hooked up with Chloe Brown Mueller? In front of Maria? No, we just pre-gamed at the shop.
We ended back up at my place.
You know how you're always telling us how selfish she is? That was not my experience.
Oh, my God.
I want to know nothing and everything at the same time.
I can't believe you hooked up with Chloe Brown Mueller.
How does that even happen?! Easy.
She's a lonely Westport housewife in crisis.
It's kind of my bread and butter.
I'm glad you got your bread buttered, but did you get the contract signed? Oh, yeah.
That's why I was there.
I forgot that part.
[SIGHS.]
Angela, I sent you to rough her up and get the contract signed.
- Well, I did the first part.
- [GROANS.]
So, are you guys gonna be, like, an item now? [SCOFFS.]
No.
Chloe and I both know it was a one-and-done thing.
I'm only asking because here she comes.
- Hi! - Oh, my God.
She stole my Tegan and Sara sweatshirt.
I feel like something magical is about to happen.
I thought you might be here with your little breakfast club.
Oh, please! You have to sit here! Oh, thank you so much.
I've worked up quite an appetite.
- [GIGGLES.]
- Oh.
So, did you tell them about us? Oh, she told us everything.
And I just want to say, you both look so good together.
Seriously.
You both are glowing.
Aren't they glowing, Katie? It's hideous yet I can't look away.
- Listen, Chloe.
- Yes, Angie? Angers? Angela! [CHUCKLES.]
I'm just trying out a few nicknames - Uh-huh.
- and I'll find it.
Just like you found it - Mm.
- last night.
Okay, well, listen.
Can you sign this contract saying that Katie can use the Carson House for the Spring Gala? You know, normally, I would tell Katie how much I deeply hate her and then I'd make some quip about how her house could be brought to school as a diorama because it's a shoe box.
But this morning I don't know I'm feeling good.
Might have something to do with how you made me feel good last night.
- [WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY.]
- Okay.
Yep, we know.
You two are so cute! [GIGGLES.]
But the thing is, I have to scan the contract and e-mail it for Stan to sign.
Wait, you can't sign it? No, but I'll hear from him as soon as he wanders into one of those Internet cafes.
How long will that take? Could be weeks.
You know what? I'm gonna go buy something sweet - for my sweet.
- Mm.
Okay Oh.
That happened.
Don't miss me too much.
All right.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Katie, I cannot deal with a stage-five hetero clinger.
- I'm out.
- KATIE: What? No! Angela, you have to stay with her until Chloe gets the contract signed.
I really need this venue.
And I'm having fun! - She said it could be weeks.
- Suck it up.
I have to sleep with Richard until I'm 50.
- Why 50? - It was in the prenup.
Also I'm only allowed to gain 15 pounds.
Angela, please.
I really need this venue.
Fine.
[SIGHING.]
Oh, God.
Thank you.
A chocolate angel for my chocolate angel.
Ooh.
[QUIETLY.]
I am so glad I woke up for this.
Mm-hmm.
[WHISTLE BLOWING.]
Oh, my God.
He bought a whistle.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Oh, Harriet.
Let me help you with that backpack.
Whoa, is this a crosswalk or a catwalk? Those are some great-fitting jeans there, Steve.
- Mr.
Otto.
- Gayle, what do you got? Ow! [GROANS.]
Franklin! [CAR DOOR OPENS.]
Kid, are you okay? I think so.
I wish there was somebody there to stop me.
Oh, my God.
Franklin, you have to be more careful.
You need to stop victimshaming me, Mr.
Otto.
We'll take him to the nurse, Dad.
- I think he'll be fine.
- Okay.
ANNA-KAT: Here.
Good acting, Franklin.
Thanks.
I've been hit by cars multiple times.
I'm gonna need your vest, Otto.
And your gun.
You didn't give me a gun.
Oh, good.
That's good.
- Chloe? - Hi, guys.
Welcome to Angela's.
Come on in.
Shoes off! I'm gonna go grab some wine.
Okay.
Why did you invite us over here if she's here? Oh, I invited you here because she's here.
You two are my buffers.
CHLOE: Hey, honey.
Where's the corkscrew? It's in the drawer by the stove.
Oh, we are changing that.
I can't be around her by myself.
What makes you think she wants to be around me? She hates me.
Then if you want that venue, you need to find a way to change that.
- Make nice with her.
- [GROANS.]
Ooh, Katie kissing up to Chloe Brown Mueller! That sounds like a fun show, too.
[SING-SONG VOICE.]
I'm back! Oh.
Great.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Did you miss me? 'Cause I missed you.
- Um - I did.
Shut up, Katie.
Chloe, listen.
- You make my best friend very happy.
- Aww.
And I was thinking that it would be for the best if you and I mended our fences.
I couldn't agree more.
- I've hated you for so long - Mm-hmm.
and I started thinking about it.
Why do I hate you so much? Is it because you're poor, because you're tragically sloppy, or maybe it's those wide hobbit feet? - Mm-hmm.
- And the answer is yes.
It's all those things.
And you act like you hate me, but what's really going on is you hate yourself.
Yeah, it's just my general appearance that has been a real barrier between us.
But if we're gonna spend time together, I'm gonna introduce you to something called a "drink coaster.
" 'Cause I can't have those foam beer sleeves just laying around my house.
All right, I'm gonna grab some dessert.
- Yeah, you do that.
- Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm clay! Mold me.
All right! I can't do this.
Screw the Carson House.
I'll just do it at the YMCA and tell the intramural basketball league that they can only have half the court that night.
Who's ready for some dessert? Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you.
Oh, give me two scoops of that.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Okay.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I never want this day to end.
Here you go.
Now, this isn't for you.
This is to teach you some willpower.
- Okay, Chloe - Oh, you know what? While I was in the kitchen, Stan e-mailed me back the contract.
He signed it.
Where is it? Oh, I just have to print it out.
I don't want to waste another precious moment of your alone time with Angela.
E-mail it to me, and I'll print it at home.
No problem.
You and Chocolate Angel have a nice night! I'm coming with! Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
Ooh, yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Don't leave me.
I can't take another moment with her.
- Mnh.
- Ha ha.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
So, should we retire to the bedroom? [SIGHS.]
Might as well.
I've got the signed document from Stan.
The Carson House is officially mine.
Congratulations.
At least you can show your face at school.
No one got mowed down on your watch.
Try to think of all the kids who didn't get mowed down on your watch.
You don't get it.
You've never been a man of the vest.
[SLAMS GLASSES.]
I should've been better.
[SIGHS.]
Wow.
Dad is really taking this hard.
Did we do the right thing? Hey, you two.
We did this for a reason.
You want Dad out there in that sash representing this family? Smarten up.
Anna-Kat, we were - Smarten up.
- But we Smarten up! KATIE: I got the venue, and Chloe's out of my life.
Now all I need to do is run away to Mexico and everything will be perfect.
Gotta really throw this away.
Nah.
I'll save it just in case.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- [SOBBING.]
- Chloe? What are you doing here? And crying? [SOBBING.]
Angela broke up with me! Oh, my God.
[SOBBING.]
- Cradle me like a baby bird.
- No.
My wing is broken.
Oh, God! Your earrings are ugly! [GROANS.]
[VOICE BREAKING.]
I don't understand what I did wrong.
I mean, you know her better than anybody.
Did she say anything to you? The connection we had was so powerful.
Why are you here? You must have plenty of friends to talk to.
I don't.
[SNIFFLES.]
I mean, I have my hundreds of thousands of Instagram followers, but they aren't really friends.
And then there's Maria, but she keeps changing her phone number.
She said that the phone company has to do that every month, but that doesn't make sense.
Well, that is so sad.
You know the best thing for that is? A warm hug? [CHUCKLING.]
No.
Drinking by yourself at your own home.
I'm so alone.
No, you're not.
I'm here for you - in spirit.
- Wait, I [BEETHOVEN'S "MOONLIGHT SONATA" PLAYS ON PIANO.]
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
- Greg, honey.
I know you're upset about the incident, but you are a great parent.
Our kids are lucky to have you.
That school is lucky to have you.
And besides, even if you had hurt that boy, - it's Franklin.
- Thanks, honey.
I'm gonna go watch videos of three-legged dogs.
Their can-do spirit really cheers me up.
But first, I'll play myself out.
["SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT" PLAYS.]
- Mom? - Mm-hmm? We might have had something to do with Dad losing his position as a crossing guard.
They made me go along with it.
It was your idea! And it was a damn good one.
Guys, I am so disappointed in you.
I know that you didn't like Dad filling in as crossing guard, but sometimes, even though it's not good for you, you have to do what's good for someone else.
Damn.
I just said something that applies to me.
You guys are going to have to find a way to make this up to your father.
And I've got to go to Chloe Brown Mueller's house.
[RANDOM NOTES PLAY.]
I don't know how to play the piano.
[CHLOE SOBBING.]
Why?! - [SOBBING CONTINUES.]
- Chloe? Oh.
Oh, hey.
Okay.
Talk to me.
I'm here for you.
I don't know what I was doing with Angela.
My life used to be perfect, and now everything's upside down.
- Within months, I'm single.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm dating women.
- Mm-hmm.
And now, here I am, with no one else to turn to, except you, my nemesis.
- Nemeses.
- That's plural.
Oh, I thought I had it.
Look, Chloe.
You've just hit a rough patch, but you have so much a house, a kid, your shop.
And a sexual future that is, frankly, uncharted.
You just doubled your dating pool! No, but nobody wants me.
My husband left.
I screwed things up with Angela.
I mean, the only relationship I haven't failed at is with my cosmetic dentist.
See? You didn't screw things up with Angela.
She was really into you the first night.
That's just what she does She's a one-and-done.
Well, not with me.
We were 19-and-done.
That's my fault.
I wanted you to sign the papers, so I forced Angela to stay with you.
The last 18 were on me.
Wait.
So it wasn't my fault? It was her fault and yours.
Yes.
That actually makes me feel a little better.
If you think about it, I just did you a favor by telling you.
So maybe you could do me a favor and let me keep the Carson House for the Gala.
- I could.
- [CHUCKLES.]
But instead, I'll just do this.
[CACKLES.]
Ya poor.
Whoo! She's back, everybody! Hey! Your Gala's gonna suck! [BEETHOVEN'S "MOONLIGHT SONATA" PLAYS ON PIANO.]
Okay, time's up.
I gave you guys two days to figure out a way to make it up to your father.
We figured out something that Dad can do at school.
It will make him happy and, at least, he's not in view, so we won't be embarrassed.
GREG: As a friendly reminder, please do not leave fish-based sandwiches in your lockers overnight.
This has been the morning announcements.
Before I go, I'd like to take a minute to tell my three favorite minutemen to have a great day.
Don't say our names.
My main man, Oliver Otto.
Oh, no.
My mom must have told him.
He's getting revenge.
Your voice changing is just the beginning of your journey into manhood.
You got too much heat on you, man.
I've gotta vámonos.
My big girl, Taylor Otto, who still won't let me give away her Barbies.
- Not cool, Mr.
A.
- He can't hear you.
Not cool, Mr.
A! And last but not least Don't do it, Greg.
my baby girl, Anna-Kat Otto.
If anybody wants to see a slide show of her baby pictures, it will be up all day in the gymnasium.
In all my baby pictures, I'm wearing a helmet.
Anna-Kat, you have a huge knot under here.
You can't just brush the top of your hair.
Yeah, yeah.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
Oh, my God.
Chloe Brown Mueller says I can use the Carson House after all.
That's great, Mama.
Why in the world would she do that? She hates me.
What did you do? - Ow.
- His ankle! [GASPS.]
Oh, what happened? He tripped over your rug.
It wasn't properly secured.
Of course it was.
Maria! Tell them the rug was properly secured! - I don't own this place.
- [SCOFFS.]
His father is a judge.
This is not good for you.
How are we going to make this go away? You little She hates me.
I'm raising myself, and I love it.
Daddy's having "Daddy time.
" Bowel issues.
Correct.
Mama's gotta "run a quick errand.
" You're napping in your car.
Yes.
Taylor has a "situation.
" Tampon mishap.
Good job, sweetie.
I'm proud of you.
Fake praise masking "real concern.
" Okay, we're done.
You're cutting this off short because you think I "know too much.
"
Crossing Guard Sandy is having a "hip replacement.
" Mama, I know this means rehab.
Aww.
My little girl is growing up.
Principal Ablin needs parent volunteers to fill in for her.
Oh, my God, Mom.
Please don't.
Don't you know your own mother? For me, "volunteering" is in the same category as cardio and quinoa.
But you did volunteer to run the Spring Gala.
Only to endear myself to all those idiot moms I hate.
Have you nailed down a venue yet? So far, my only options are the YMCA and that's it.
I was hoping something was going to come to me in that pause, but nothing showed up.
I'm really starting to worry about finding a venue.
I know my archenemies are just waiting for me to fail.
Okay, Batman.
How many archenemies are you up to? Eight archenemies, three nemesises Nemeses.
Nemeses.
And one more mom that just started to turn on me.
She told me her daughter's name was Poet.
What am I supposed to do? Not laugh? Know your audience, Poet's mom! You know, you should really look at the Carson House.
It's a huge estate gardens, room for dancing, and, on a historical note, the outhouse is still there where Paul Revere took a rush number two on his midnight ride.
- There's a plaque.
- Hmm.
The Carson House is under the domain of the Historical Guild.
And as Guild recording secretary, Stan was in charge of all rental inquiries.
Hmm.
I thought Stan moved to Nepal to "find himself.
" Oh, rehab! If I do air quotes twice, it means "flee from bad marriage.
" Yes, but his seat was taken over by his wife, so that means you're gonna need to get Chloe Brown Mueller to sign off on it.
Ugh! Chloe Brown Mueller? She is never gonna say yes to me.
She's like my number-one archenemy.
The Joker doesn't rent Arkham Asylum out to Batman for his bat-parties.
No, he does not.
I need to find someone irresistible to do my bidding.
Aren't you adorable? Thank you.
Can I speak to Chloe Brown Mueller? She's eating her lunch right now, - and she doesn't like to be - CHLOE: Maria, who is that?! I told you to never reveal details about my private life.
Ugh, I forgot after I haven't seen you in a while how rough you look.
Get out of here.
Oh, hi, Anna-Kat.
How can I help you? Okay, first, you need to compliment the store.
What beautiful wares you have here.
[SIGHS.]
Finally, someone with a good eye for wares.
Then you need to say something nice about Chloe's looks.
I love that haircut.
It frames your face perfectly.
And makes my cheekbones look like Keith Urban's.
- It does.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Then take a random shot at Maria.
Maria, there is such a thing as teeth-whitening strips.
[LAUGHS.]
Good one, Anna-Kat! Up top.
[LAUGHS.]
Once the table's set then you make the ask.
Oh, I was wondering.
Can my mom please use the Carson House for the Spring Gala? Aww.
You tell your mama that I hate her guts and then laugh at her like this.
[CACKLES.]
She hates your guts.
[CACKLES.]
[GROANS.]
[GROANS.]
I need that venue.
Of all people, it had to be Chloe Brown Mueller.
Well, you got to come up with something.
The Gala's just two months away.
Can you stop screaming at me? I'm not screaming at you.
You're totally screaming.
Doris? - Yeah, you're making a scene.
- Mm-hmm.
Ugh, I hate it when you guys do that "You're screaming" thing when I'm not screaming.
It drives me crazy! Okay.
Now you're screaming.
You sent in a child to do an assassin's work.
Why not have Angela go full-on lawyer on Chloe's ass? Rough her up a bit.
I have her threaten people all the time.
What's that word you use to intimidate people? - It sounds dirty? - Penal code? - That's the one.
- Yeah.
Do you really think that you can intimidate Chloe Brown Mueller? [SCOFFS.]
I could do it in my sleep.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I checked the deed on your shop and there are some issues.
You have an easement running through your property.
Also, a problem with your grantor-grantee index.
And no permit for the add-on that encroaches on city property.
[WINCES.]
That's bad.
Wow! Could you intimidate the guy at Yogurtland? He keeps calling me out for putting on extra toppings after he's already weighed it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Right this way.
There we go.
- Oh, my God.
- My dad is filling in for Sandy.
Go ahead.
Are you upset because he's the crossing guard or because he's wearing a lady's vest? Remember last year when we did the count-to-three rule before you speak? - It's back.
- GREG: Safety first.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Okay.
Come on.
Hello, everybody.
Hi.
Why is he doing this to us?! What? It's not that bad.
Imagine if it was your dad out there.
[PAINED.]
Why did you make me do that? Has your dad ever been a crossing guard before? Never.
He's a natural.
In all my years as an educator, I've never seen his equal.
Here we go.
My lord, he ZZ Top'd it.
We have to put an end to this.
Hey.
What do you think you're doing? Chipping in, giving back to the community.
- Well, knock it off.
- Yeah, you're embarrassing us.
Hey, the school needed someone to help out, my work schedule allowed for it, so I stepped up.
Besides, it's good for you to be embarrassed every once in a while.
Builds character.
Just gimme the sign, Greg.
Is the baby sleeping through the night yet? [CHUCKLES.]
You'd have to ask the night nurse.
I put on a sleep mask, pop two Ambien, and, just to be safe, I crash in the pool house.
Sometimes, I don't wake up until it's time to come here.
Hey.
So, did you get Chloe Brown Mueller to bend to your will? I went over to her shop to talk to her, you know, play hardball? The thing is, she played hardball right back.
But you know what? I don't give in.
And she didn't, either, and, well, one thing led to another.
What thing led to what other thing? Maria, you're not on break! Clean it up! [BOTH MOANING.]
KATIE: Are you being serious right now? You hooked up with Chloe Brown Mueller? In front of Maria? No, we just pre-gamed at the shop.
We ended back up at my place.
You know how you're always telling us how selfish she is? That was not my experience.
Oh, my God.
I want to know nothing and everything at the same time.
I can't believe you hooked up with Chloe Brown Mueller.
How does that even happen?! Easy.
She's a lonely Westport housewife in crisis.
It's kind of my bread and butter.
I'm glad you got your bread buttered, but did you get the contract signed? Oh, yeah.
That's why I was there.
I forgot that part.
[SIGHS.]
Angela, I sent you to rough her up and get the contract signed.
- Well, I did the first part.
- [GROANS.]
So, are you guys gonna be, like, an item now? [SCOFFS.]
No.
Chloe and I both know it was a one-and-done thing.
I'm only asking because here she comes.
- Hi! - Oh, my God.
She stole my Tegan and Sara sweatshirt.
I feel like something magical is about to happen.
I thought you might be here with your little breakfast club.
Oh, please! You have to sit here! Oh, thank you so much.
I've worked up quite an appetite.
- [GIGGLES.]
- Oh.
So, did you tell them about us? Oh, she told us everything.
And I just want to say, you both look so good together.
Seriously.
You both are glowing.
Aren't they glowing, Katie? It's hideous yet I can't look away.
- Listen, Chloe.
- Yes, Angie? Angers? Angela! [CHUCKLES.]
I'm just trying out a few nicknames - Uh-huh.
- and I'll find it.
Just like you found it - Mm.
- last night.
Okay, well, listen.
Can you sign this contract saying that Katie can use the Carson House for the Spring Gala? You know, normally, I would tell Katie how much I deeply hate her and then I'd make some quip about how her house could be brought to school as a diorama because it's a shoe box.
But this morning I don't know I'm feeling good.
Might have something to do with how you made me feel good last night.
- [WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY.]
- Okay.
Yep, we know.
You two are so cute! [GIGGLES.]
But the thing is, I have to scan the contract and e-mail it for Stan to sign.
Wait, you can't sign it? No, but I'll hear from him as soon as he wanders into one of those Internet cafes.
How long will that take? Could be weeks.
You know what? I'm gonna go buy something sweet - for my sweet.
- Mm.
Okay Oh.
That happened.
Don't miss me too much.
All right.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Katie, I cannot deal with a stage-five hetero clinger.
- I'm out.
- KATIE: What? No! Angela, you have to stay with her until Chloe gets the contract signed.
I really need this venue.
And I'm having fun! - She said it could be weeks.
- Suck it up.
I have to sleep with Richard until I'm 50.
- Why 50? - It was in the prenup.
Also I'm only allowed to gain 15 pounds.
Angela, please.
I really need this venue.
Fine.
[SIGHING.]
Oh, God.
Thank you.
A chocolate angel for my chocolate angel.
Ooh.
[QUIETLY.]
I am so glad I woke up for this.
Mm-hmm.
[WHISTLE BLOWING.]
Oh, my God.
He bought a whistle.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Oh, Harriet.
Let me help you with that backpack.
Whoa, is this a crosswalk or a catwalk? Those are some great-fitting jeans there, Steve.
- Mr.
Otto.
- Gayle, what do you got? Ow! [GROANS.]
Franklin! [CAR DOOR OPENS.]
Kid, are you okay? I think so.
I wish there was somebody there to stop me.
Oh, my God.
Franklin, you have to be more careful.
You need to stop victimshaming me, Mr.
Otto.
We'll take him to the nurse, Dad.
- I think he'll be fine.
- Okay.
ANNA-KAT: Here.
Good acting, Franklin.
Thanks.
I've been hit by cars multiple times.
I'm gonna need your vest, Otto.
And your gun.
You didn't give me a gun.
Oh, good.
That's good.
- Chloe? - Hi, guys.
Welcome to Angela's.
Come on in.
Shoes off! I'm gonna go grab some wine.
Okay.
Why did you invite us over here if she's here? Oh, I invited you here because she's here.
You two are my buffers.
CHLOE: Hey, honey.
Where's the corkscrew? It's in the drawer by the stove.
Oh, we are changing that.
I can't be around her by myself.
What makes you think she wants to be around me? She hates me.
Then if you want that venue, you need to find a way to change that.
- Make nice with her.
- [GROANS.]
Ooh, Katie kissing up to Chloe Brown Mueller! That sounds like a fun show, too.
[SING-SONG VOICE.]
I'm back! Oh.
Great.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Did you miss me? 'Cause I missed you.
- Um - I did.
Shut up, Katie.
Chloe, listen.
- You make my best friend very happy.
- Aww.
And I was thinking that it would be for the best if you and I mended our fences.
I couldn't agree more.
- I've hated you for so long - Mm-hmm.
and I started thinking about it.
Why do I hate you so much? Is it because you're poor, because you're tragically sloppy, or maybe it's those wide hobbit feet? - Mm-hmm.
- And the answer is yes.
It's all those things.
And you act like you hate me, but what's really going on is you hate yourself.
Yeah, it's just my general appearance that has been a real barrier between us.
But if we're gonna spend time together, I'm gonna introduce you to something called a "drink coaster.
" 'Cause I can't have those foam beer sleeves just laying around my house.
All right, I'm gonna grab some dessert.
- Yeah, you do that.
- Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm clay! Mold me.
All right! I can't do this.
Screw the Carson House.
I'll just do it at the YMCA and tell the intramural basketball league that they can only have half the court that night.
Who's ready for some dessert? Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you.
Oh, give me two scoops of that.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Okay.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I never want this day to end.
Here you go.
Now, this isn't for you.
This is to teach you some willpower.
- Okay, Chloe - Oh, you know what? While I was in the kitchen, Stan e-mailed me back the contract.
He signed it.
Where is it? Oh, I just have to print it out.
I don't want to waste another precious moment of your alone time with Angela.
E-mail it to me, and I'll print it at home.
No problem.
You and Chocolate Angel have a nice night! I'm coming with! Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
Ooh, yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Don't leave me.
I can't take another moment with her.
- Mnh.
- Ha ha.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
So, should we retire to the bedroom? [SIGHS.]
Might as well.
I've got the signed document from Stan.
The Carson House is officially mine.
Congratulations.
At least you can show your face at school.
No one got mowed down on your watch.
Try to think of all the kids who didn't get mowed down on your watch.
You don't get it.
You've never been a man of the vest.
[SLAMS GLASSES.]
I should've been better.
[SIGHS.]
Wow.
Dad is really taking this hard.
Did we do the right thing? Hey, you two.
We did this for a reason.
You want Dad out there in that sash representing this family? Smarten up.
Anna-Kat, we were - Smarten up.
- But we Smarten up! KATIE: I got the venue, and Chloe's out of my life.
Now all I need to do is run away to Mexico and everything will be perfect.
Gotta really throw this away.
Nah.
I'll save it just in case.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- [SOBBING.]
- Chloe? What are you doing here? And crying? [SOBBING.]
Angela broke up with me! Oh, my God.
[SOBBING.]
- Cradle me like a baby bird.
- No.
My wing is broken.
Oh, God! Your earrings are ugly! [GROANS.]
[VOICE BREAKING.]
I don't understand what I did wrong.
I mean, you know her better than anybody.
Did she say anything to you? The connection we had was so powerful.
Why are you here? You must have plenty of friends to talk to.
I don't.
[SNIFFLES.]
I mean, I have my hundreds of thousands of Instagram followers, but they aren't really friends.
And then there's Maria, but she keeps changing her phone number.
She said that the phone company has to do that every month, but that doesn't make sense.
Well, that is so sad.
You know the best thing for that is? A warm hug? [CHUCKLING.]
No.
Drinking by yourself at your own home.
I'm so alone.
No, you're not.
I'm here for you - in spirit.
- Wait, I [BEETHOVEN'S "MOONLIGHT SONATA" PLAYS ON PIANO.]
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
- Greg, honey.
I know you're upset about the incident, but you are a great parent.
Our kids are lucky to have you.
That school is lucky to have you.
And besides, even if you had hurt that boy, - it's Franklin.
- Thanks, honey.
I'm gonna go watch videos of three-legged dogs.
Their can-do spirit really cheers me up.
But first, I'll play myself out.
["SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT" PLAYS.]
- Mom? - Mm-hmm? We might have had something to do with Dad losing his position as a crossing guard.
They made me go along with it.
It was your idea! And it was a damn good one.
Guys, I am so disappointed in you.
I know that you didn't like Dad filling in as crossing guard, but sometimes, even though it's not good for you, you have to do what's good for someone else.
Damn.
I just said something that applies to me.
You guys are going to have to find a way to make this up to your father.
And I've got to go to Chloe Brown Mueller's house.
[RANDOM NOTES PLAY.]
I don't know how to play the piano.
[CHLOE SOBBING.]
Why?! - [SOBBING CONTINUES.]
- Chloe? Oh.
Oh, hey.
Okay.
Talk to me.
I'm here for you.
I don't know what I was doing with Angela.
My life used to be perfect, and now everything's upside down.
- Within months, I'm single.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm dating women.
- Mm-hmm.
And now, here I am, with no one else to turn to, except you, my nemesis.
- Nemeses.
- That's plural.
Oh, I thought I had it.
Look, Chloe.
You've just hit a rough patch, but you have so much a house, a kid, your shop.
And a sexual future that is, frankly, uncharted.
You just doubled your dating pool! No, but nobody wants me.
My husband left.
I screwed things up with Angela.
I mean, the only relationship I haven't failed at is with my cosmetic dentist.
See? You didn't screw things up with Angela.
She was really into you the first night.
That's just what she does She's a one-and-done.
Well, not with me.
We were 19-and-done.
That's my fault.
I wanted you to sign the papers, so I forced Angela to stay with you.
The last 18 were on me.
Wait.
So it wasn't my fault? It was her fault and yours.
Yes.
That actually makes me feel a little better.
If you think about it, I just did you a favor by telling you.
So maybe you could do me a favor and let me keep the Carson House for the Gala.
- I could.
- [CHUCKLES.]
But instead, I'll just do this.
[CACKLES.]
Ya poor.
Whoo! She's back, everybody! Hey! Your Gala's gonna suck! [BEETHOVEN'S "MOONLIGHT SONATA" PLAYS ON PIANO.]
Okay, time's up.
I gave you guys two days to figure out a way to make it up to your father.
We figured out something that Dad can do at school.
It will make him happy and, at least, he's not in view, so we won't be embarrassed.
GREG: As a friendly reminder, please do not leave fish-based sandwiches in your lockers overnight.
This has been the morning announcements.
Before I go, I'd like to take a minute to tell my three favorite minutemen to have a great day.
Don't say our names.
My main man, Oliver Otto.
Oh, no.
My mom must have told him.
He's getting revenge.
Your voice changing is just the beginning of your journey into manhood.
You got too much heat on you, man.
I've gotta vámonos.
My big girl, Taylor Otto, who still won't let me give away her Barbies.
- Not cool, Mr.
A.
- He can't hear you.
Not cool, Mr.
A! And last but not least Don't do it, Greg.
my baby girl, Anna-Kat Otto.
If anybody wants to see a slide show of her baby pictures, it will be up all day in the gymnasium.
In all my baby pictures, I'm wearing a helmet.
Anna-Kat, you have a huge knot under here.
You can't just brush the top of your hair.
Yeah, yeah.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
Oh, my God.
Chloe Brown Mueller says I can use the Carson House after all.
That's great, Mama.
Why in the world would she do that? She hates me.
What did you do? - Ow.
- His ankle! [GASPS.]
Oh, what happened? He tripped over your rug.
It wasn't properly secured.
Of course it was.
Maria! Tell them the rug was properly secured! - I don't own this place.
- [SCOFFS.]
His father is a judge.
This is not good for you.
How are we going to make this go away? You little She hates me.
I'm raising myself, and I love it.
Daddy's having "Daddy time.
" Bowel issues.
Correct.
Mama's gotta "run a quick errand.
" You're napping in your car.
Yes.
Taylor has a "situation.
" Tampon mishap.
Good job, sweetie.
I'm proud of you.
Fake praise masking "real concern.
" Okay, we're done.
You're cutting this off short because you think I "know too much.
"