American Housewife (2016) s02e21 Episode Script

It's Not You, It's Me

1 - Punch Porsche red! - Ow! - Punch Porsche gray! - [Laughs] What are you two lunatics doing? [Laughing] Playing Punch Buggy.
Every time you see a Volkswagen Beetle, you yell out the color and punch someone.
But we made it Punch Porsche because in Westport, there's more of those.
[Gasps] Punch Porsche red! Ow! Punch Porsche gray! Your turn, Mrs.
Otto! Ow! Franklin, new rule.
Don't punch me or anybody I'm related to.
Unless it's Oliver and he's talking about French cuffs.
Then go for it.
Wait, that Porsche isn't even gray.
Franklin, it's blue.
I'm colorblind, so everything looks gray to me.
Punch Porsche gray! KATIE: Anna-Kat needs some new friends.
Franklin talks weird, he dresses weird, he even sees color weird.
He's like the Michael Jordan of not fitting in.
How about at lunch today, you don't sit by yourselves? Invite some new people to join you.
Nah.
I won't go into detail, but kids don't like to watch Franklin eat.
[Console beeps, engine sputters] Ugh.
Damn it! We're out of gas.
Taylor took the car out again without filling it up.
- Punch Porsche gray! - If you do it, you better knock me out, 'cause I'm gonna punch back.
[Keyboard clacking] What you working on, Oliver? I'm trying to come up with a topic for my persuasive essay for Earth Day.
So far, I have "bring back plastic grocery bags.
" How about writing about something that's good for the planet, like recycling? It's easy to be persuasive when you're talking about something as sexy as saving Mama Earth.
Eh, recycling is out.
It's the fanny pack of causes.
No, recycling never falls out of fashion.
This woman does a podcast while kayaking through the garbage island in the Pacific.
Every episode is just the sounds of her paddling as she sobs.
I'm gonna paddle right past that recommendation.
Oliver, you might want to think about doing your paper on recycling.
I'd help you.
You'd get an "A" from your teacher, and if you played your cards right [Paper thuds] a spot on the Recycling Committee.
You mean with you and three janitors? And Bill Doty.
Taylor, get down here! I just had to walk 10 miles, and I'm not happy! It was three blocks.
You go to the petting zoo and say you saw a unicorn, I back you up.
What happened? We ran out of gas.
Because Taylor didn't fill the car up last night after she used it.
I had to ditch it and walk Franklin home.
You should've checked the gas when you started the car.
Even beginner drivers know that, and you're far from a beginner.
You old.
You want to go to this concert in New York with Trip, but how can I trust you if you're not responsible enough to fill the car up with gas? With what? I don't have any money.
Good point.
So if you don't have money and you need money, what do you do? Become a YouTube star? - Rob a bank? - Make counterfeit bonds? At least no one said stripping.
No! You get a job! [Both laugh] Mom, Westport kids don't do that.
- Well, you're gonna.
- That's not fair.
You put gas in the car and you don't have a job.
[Dramatic music plays] What did she just say to me? Taylor, run! Start a new life.
If you need to change your name, you look like a Jennifer! Why are our kids so resistant to doing what's best for them? I know.
How do they think they've been alive this long making their own decisions? Of course not.
They're idiots.
Remember when Oliver was 6 and we told him that he couldn't ride a bike without a helmet so he made one out of a Fruit Roll-up? Idiots.
Yeah, they don't know what's good for them.
I'm gonna make sure Taylor gets a job.
And I'm gonna make sure Oliver writes his paper on recycling.
And I'm gonna get Anna-Kat new friends.
Hey, about the time that Taylor wanted to run her track-and-field event with scissors so she could cut the ribbon at the finish line? Ugh.
Idiot! They're idiots.
All of them.
[Sighs] [Knock on door] Mom said to give you this.
[Paper crunches] Now let's find some new kids for Anna-Kat to be friends with.
Maybe her.
[Blows nose] Next.
He looks nice.
[Object clatters] But all sociopaths do.
Pass.
I don't even have to say why I don't like that kid.
Ooh.
Todd and Mia Anderson.
Normal, fun, popular.
Just the kind of friends Anna-Kat needs forced on her.
Anna-Kat, why don't you play with Todd and Mia at recess today? They seem nice.
But I'd miss Franklin's vacant stare and giant nose-bubbles.
I love Franklin.
Love him.
But sometimes when you play friendship roulette, you got to scatt the chips on some other numbers.
Mama, when it comes to friendship roulette, I always bet on gray.
Aww.
Still, kid's weird.
And with a million plastic bottles bought every minute, recycling might be our last hope.
Wow, Dad.
- Great stuff, really.
- See? You were a little reluctant at first, but now you know the high I feel every time I sink one into that beautiful blue bin.
I hear you.
Don't tell your mother, but I've been saving up to adopt a highway.
- You in? - I'm good.
I think I have everything I need.
In fact, the first sentence is already coming to me.
Say no more.
Go get 'em, son.
Change some minds.
I think I will.
I want Anna-Kat to set her sights higher, so I arranged for two new kids to join our carpool Todd and Mia Anderson.
Ooh, the Anderson twins.
How'd it go? Let's just say, what a feeling.
What a feeling Bein's believing I can have it all Now I'm dancing for my life Take it, Todd! Take your passion and make it happen Nice pipes, Todd! Hit it, Franklin! I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America.
Oh, Franklin, you are always on.
Soon, Anna-Kat will be best friends with Todd and Mia, and her social circle will keep expanding, and then her friends will be [Cellphone beeping] I'm sorry, Doris, am I boring you? I always tune out the Anna-Kat stuff.
How's the blonde one with the hot boyfriend? What's her deal? I'm forcing her to get a job against her will.
Just one job? White parents are so soft.
How does Taylor feel about having to get a job? Well, Angela, as her mother, I don't care how she feels about it.
[Both laugh] You're terrible.
Yeah, Mom, you're terrible.
Taylor, what are you doing here? I got a job like you told me.
I'm your waitress.
But this is where I go to get away from you and the other two.
Mom, if I would've known I could only get jobs at places you wouldn't be, I would've applied at a bookstore.
Ooh-hoo, slam! Katie don't read! She doesn't read at all.
- Good one.
- Mnh-mnh.
What can I get you? A toast to Taylor, our first child getting her first job.
I've had jobs.
You've had schemes, Oliver.
We don't toast to schemes.
Waitressing is so fun.
And it's perfect because I have first period free, so I can do the morning shift without missing class.
I'm so proud of you.
Give her the old fake smile.
Hold it.
I am so good at this.
And you are going to love this.
At work, they have a nickname for Mom.
"Flannels and Flapjacks?" "The Salt and Pepper Shaker Bandit"? No.
"Crispy," because she always sends her bacon back to make it extra crispy.
[Laughter] Kids, maybe we should cha And every day for like two hours, Mom just sits there chit-chatting with Angela and Doris.
But you're always complaining about how busy you are.
And you're constantly telling me to manage my time better.
[Chuckles] You guys must be new here.
I'm Mom, and I can say whatever I want.
Isn't it funny how this morning I was serving and cleaning up after you, and now you're serving and cleaning up after me? The only thing better than my fake smile is my fake laugh.
[Laughs heartily] Greg, can I talk to you? Stewart and Kingston's is mine.
It's my hang out, where I unwind and vent.
Taylor being there messes the whole thing up.
Come on.
How bad could it be? So I'm in bed, about to fall asleep when Greg gives me the old tap-aroo.
- Refill? - And I'm Thanks, sweetie.
Anyways, I'm like, "Greg, it's 11:00, and we just had chili and" Lemons? We're fine, thank you.
So then I'm about to roll over Do you guys need anything else? No, we are all good.
Just the check.
And then Greg was like, "It's been two weeks!" - What's been two weeks? - Get us the damn check! [Scoffs] You see what I'm dealing with? So the rule is no intimacy after chili? I just want to be clear.
That's not the point, Greg.
And yes, that is the rule.
Well, I see why you're upset, but Taylor did exactly what you told her to do went out and got a job like an adult.
Yes, but she did it in the most annoying way possible.
Second Breakfast is my sanctuary.
No, I get it.
I wish I had a place to go and chit-chat with my friends for hours at a time.
Well, I wish I had a job where I could go teach one class then go to my office and buy mini-muskets on eBay.
Those are investments.
It's important I have a diversified portfolio.
Stocks, bonds, and muskets.
I just wish Taylor was working somewhere else.
It's not good for me.
Well, you're just gonna have to learn to like it.
And I guess you're going to have to learn to like the paper Oliver wrote on recycling.
"Why Recycling is a Complete Sham, by Oliver Otto.
" Mm.
How could he write this piece of compost? [Door opens] [Knock on door] So, I found a copy of your paper in the printer.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks for all your help.
I'm really proud of it.
Proud.
Huh.
Strange.
Because everything in it is a giant, steaming pile of horsefeathers! Dad, language.
Are we in the Wild West? How could you write that - recycling is bad for the environment? - Listen.
My assignment was to write a persuasive argument.
After hearing you out, I decided to take the other side, the side of the truth recycling is very expensive, and it requires more resources than it preserves.
- Balderdash! - Dad.
Here's a truth for you you are not handing in this paper.
Too late.
I already did.
Well, you deserve the "F" you're gonna get.
Well, that's cool 'cause I already got an "A.
" An "A?!" Ach.
- Fiddlesticks! - [Paper thuds] - Fiddlesticks! - [Paper thuds] - Fiddlesticks! - [Paper thuds] [Katie, Mia, and Todd laugh] See? Anna-Kat, aren't Todd and Mia really nice? I don't know, Mama.
They don't go good with Franklin.
Where is Franklin? Oh, my God.
I forgot to pick him up.
Why didn't you say something? I was assuming he was coming in late.
Dude's got a lot of doctor's appointments.
You were so busy cozying up to Todd and Mia, you forgot about Franklin.
I'll go get him now.
Franklin! You forgot to pick up my son.
If I wanted him to stand by the front door waiting for a ride that was never going to come, I would've asked my ex-husband to pick him up.
I am so sorry.
It will never happen again.
Well, it certainly can't.
But it might.
I am so forgetful.
Well, then Franklin is no longer in your carpool.
I will be driving him myself from now on.
[Half-heartedly] Oh no, don't.
Please reconsider.
Excuse me, Mrs.
Austin? I want to talk to you about my son's grade.
[Sighs] I'm sure your child worked hard on their paper, but I can't just raise grades every time a parent comes in here and complains.
I'm not asking you to raise his grade.
Oliver got an "A.
" Then what are we doing here? I just can't believe you would encourage that kind of blasphemy against nature.
Mr.
Otto, are you asking me to lower your son's grade? Because that would be a first.
No, of course not.
I would never ask you to do something so unethical.
A Starbucks card? Still has $7 on it.
Enjoy.
Oliver's assignment was to write a convincing argument.
He did that very well.
Hence, the "A.
" But it was all nonsense.
I should know.
I'm chairman of the Recycling Committee.
Oh, that's just you and three janitors.
And Bill Doty.
Hey, I used to believe in recycling, too.
But Oliver's paper drew the curtain back for me.
I now see that recycling is a waste of resources and a complete sham.
From now on, everything goes in one big bin.
Two points.
Doing that on Earth Day is like spitting in Santa Claus' face on Christmas.
Unless you practice a different faith.
In which case, please transfer my insult to your beliefs! So yeah, I forgot to pick up Franklin, but maybe him being out of carpool is a good thing.
Yeah, you know, I like my kids to have as few friends as possible.
It keeps the noise down, and birthday parties are easy to plan.
Now Anna-Kat can focus on Todd and Mia.
She doesn't realize it, but those are the right friends for her.
Eh, I don't know, Mom.
Anna-Kat really likes Franklin.
Thank you, waitress, for your insight on my parenting techniques.
[Scoffs] Come on, Mom.
It's unfair that you don't think we're old enough to pick our own friends or go to New York to see a concert.
Don't you have someplace to be? Yeah.
Here.
Because you forced me to get a job.
You know, when I was 16, I went on tour with Bell Biv DeVoe for a summer.
Yeah.
That song "Poison" - is about me.
- [Laughs] Hold on.
I ordered a muffin.
Oh.
Ah, sorry, Mom.
I already put it in the computer.
Enjoy.
Excuse me.
I ordered a muffin, and I want a muffin.
I'm not treating you any differently than any other waiter just because you're my daughter.
Mom, they're all basically just desserts for breakfast.
What's the big deal? How can I trust you to go to New York - if you can't even get my order right? - God, Mom.
Chill! First off, I hate it when you tell me to chill.
And second, you screwed up my order, now fix it.
You're becoming hostile.
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
You can't kick me out! I'm the Norm of this place! You're anyone, and I'm refusing to serve you.
Now get out! Taylor, what's going on? This woman was acting unruly, and I asked her to leave.
This child didn't serve me the correct order.
And when I politely complained, she kicked me out.
- Taylor, the customer is always right.
- Mm-hmm.
If Crispy I mean, if this reasonable lady is unhappy, it's our job to fix it.
So fix it.
Then come talk to me at the end of your shift.
[Sighs] Hmm.
Publicly shaming her daughter in her own workplace? I'm really starting to see my influence on you.
[Chuckles] [Tablet beeping] These parental controls are really cramping my style.
Screen time over.
Why don't we set up a play date with Todd and Mia? Or Franklin.
Or Todd and Mia.
Or Franklin.
Maybe he's weird to you, Mama, but not to me.
And now he's not in carpool anymore, and I don't get to see him as much because you forgot to pick him up.
- Anna-Kat, the thing is - My teacher just e-mailed me.
You tried to get my grade lowered! - Oliver the thing is - You got me fired! - Taylor the thing is - You got her fired? Not on purpose.
She was being a bad waitress.
And it is my duty as your mother to make sure that you follow through on your responsibilities.
I was doing just fine until Crispy gets the wrong carb and raises hell.
- Hey! - Yeah, just like Dad did with my paper.
And Mom did with my Franklin.
Katie, our kids appear to have unionized.
- We've got a problem.
- Ugh.
- Permission to speak for the group? - Yeah, go ahead.
You guys are really screwing us! We want our friends back, our jobs back, and I don't remember what Oliver's thing is, but he wants that back, too.
You guys say you're doing what's best for us, but really, you're doing what's best for you.
You wanted me to hang out with the friends you like.
And you wanted me to write a paper on a topic that you liked.
And you wanted me to get a job at a place that was good for you.
They're onto us.
Do something.
We don't have to explain ourselves to you.
We are the parents, and what we say goes.
And I say go to your rooms! Wow.
I'm glad that worked.
That was getting ugly.
Yeah, did you see that look in Anna-Kat's eyes? I thought she wanted to fight me.
You went to school to badmouth your son's paper.
Who are you to talk? You told our daughter to get a job and then you got her fired? And you broke up your other daughter's friendship.
You went to school to badmouth your son's paper.
You already said that.
Well, you only did one thing, so I had to say it twice.
So [Sighs] what are we gonna do? Well, we could clean-slate it, go to Baja, have three new kids, start fresh or make it up to them.
I guess we have to make it up to them.
You are never gonna say Baja, are you? Someday.
[Knock on door] Can I help you? I was wrong.
I wanted you to see things the way I do, but you're your own person, and I need to respect that.
Uh-huh.
And to make it up to you I'm going to do this.
[Inhales deeply, exhales] [Exhales sharply] Wow, Dad.
You did that for me? Yeah.
On Earth Day? You know a bird could crawl into that bottle and die.
I know.
I accept your apology.
I'm just gonna leave that there.
Hey.
Are you here to punish me or apologize for making me get a job and then getting me fired? I told you to get a job, and you got a job.
You did everything right.
Mm-hmm.
And just because it wasn't the perfect place for me, - I blew it up.
- Mm-hmm.
But we will find you a new job together as soon as you get back from the concert in New York.
- Wait.
Are you serious? - Mm-hmm.
- I can go? - Yeah.
Oh my God, Mom, you're the best! [Both chuckle] You are right.
Wonder Mom is the best.
Who? You know.
Wonder Mom.
[Scoffs] Are you trying to make a nickname for yourself? Because that's not how nicknames work.
Wonder Mom begs to differ.
Sorry, Crispy.
Not happening.
[Laughs] [Anna-Kat and Franklin laughing] FRANKLIN: Left foot gray.
Thanks for giving us a second chance.
Of course.
Franklin really missed Anna-Kat.
Right hand gray.
Now that the kids are back together, maybe you and I could be friends, as well.
Sure.
That sounds great.
Franklin's a weirdo, but she doesn't seem so [Whispering] I'm a ghost.
Mm.
I pledge allegiance to the flag Anna-Kat? Of the United States of America.
And to the republic Franklin, bring us home! What a feeling Bein's believing I can have it all, now I'm dancing for my life Classic Franklin.
Just when you think he's gonna zig, he zags.
Take your passion, make it happen [Anna-Kat sings indistinctly] What are you doing, Dad? Billy D and the rest of the Re-psychos are coming over in a few.
We're gonna celebrate Earth Day.
Huh.
That's a lot of napkins.
You'll end up throwing them in a recycling bin, of course, but then they'll end up in a landfill.
Stop.
You're not gonna turn me like you did Mrs.
Austin.
Good-looking cake.
Nice box.
Wasteful.
Recycled cardboard.
It's not bedtime, Dad.
Why are you telling me a fairytale? Is that all you got? You're embarrassing yourself.
[Laughs] [Cellphone beeping] Bill, he's got in my head again.
He said that the cake boxes aren't recycled.
Can that be? Talk me down.