American Housewife (2016) s02e22 Episode Script

Sliding Sweaters

1 [Sighs] The weekend is dragging.
When is it gonna be Monday already? Jury duty's the best.
Grape-Nuts are delicious.
What? Aren't we saying things no one has ever said before? Oh, I have one.
"Hey, Mom, Dad, I got an 'A.
'" [Laughs] Monday is the start of my first official week of tenure.
Oh, that's right! Congratulations! Best part I get all these perks, like a corner office, an assistant, and a key to the executive bathroom.
No more waiting to get home to poop! I'm so happy for you.
- Whatcha looking at? - [Computer bloops] I need a new outfit because Ashley Clark is coming through town, and I'm having breakfast with her on Monday.
Who's Ashley Clark? She used to be my assistant at my old job.
But after I had you, I got so busy, she was promoted, and we became co-workers.
And then, after I had Oliver, I went down to part-time, and she became my boss.
And then, because of your father's latex allergy, we had Anna-Kat, and Your mom stopped working.
You're still working.
Being a mom is the hardest job of all.
Attaboy! What's Ashley up to these days? She's still at the company, and past that, I don't know.
But I do know I need to look better than this.
Taylor, fishing for a compliment over here.
Would a "you go, girl" work? - Sure.
- You go, girl! Okay, it's between the pink sweater and the blue sweater.
Which one says "I decided to have three kids, and you got the career I always wanted, but I'm happy with my choice"? - Are you regretting your choice? - No.
Maybe.
Depends on the day.
Just help me pick out the right sweater.
You never know.
It might make all the difference.
Okay, the pink one.
[Ding] KATIE: Crap! Do I look like a bottle of Pepto-Bismol? You don't look like Pepto-Bismol.
Whoa, can you hear me? If you can read my thoughts, sorry about all that dirty stuff with Chris Hemsworth.
Don't worry.
You look great.
My imaginary affair with Thor continues.
[Speaking in reverse] Just help me pick out the right sweater.
You never know.
It might make all the difference.
Okay, then, the blue one.
[Ding] Stop worrying.
You look great.
[Brushing teeth] Ohh Damn it! This day is gonna be great! This day's gonna be crap! ANNA-KAT: Mama! What is it, baby? Aww! You made a train out of Legos and derailed it.
Yup, the 417 to Fresno.
No survivors.
Can you help me with my shoe? The lace is all knotted.
Anna-Kat, how many times have I told you, you need to take better care of your clothes? I don't know.
5 times? 500 times? It all kind of runs together when you speak.
[Chuckles] You caught me on a good day, so I am going to show you how to use an envelope as a shoehorn.
Is this a life-hack? Because I love life-hacks.
The video where the guy uses his sunglasses - Mm-hmm - as a phone stand blew my mind.
Take the envelope, stick it in the shoe, and then put your foot on the envelope, and [Gasps] Not that I ever think you guys are getting divorced - Mm-hmm - but if you do, I want to move in with you.
Aww! Realistically, I can't have her full-time.
Mama! [Sighs] Ow! Anna-Kat! Don't leave your stupid Legos on the stupid floor! I can't put on my shoe because the laces are knotted.
- I need help.
- I'm not in the mood for this.
What about my shoelaces? What about my life, Anna-Kat?! What about my life?! Not that I think you guys are ever getting divorced, but if you do, I want to live with Dad! Good! Say one word, and you're spending the night in a closet.
[Sighs] Are you guys ready? I have to drop you off and meet my friend for breakfast.
I'd be ready, but she's been hogging the bathroom! You're the one hogging the bathroom with your long showers! I don't take long showers! For skin this smooth, it takes as long as it takes.
Okay, guys, let's take a breath.
Oliver, your showers are quite long.
I mean, there's just not that much to clean.
Let's pivot to another topic, shall we? Fine.
I am in a good mood, so I'm gonna make you a deal.
If you two stop fighting for the rest of the day, I'll give you each 40 bucks.
I love and cherish these moments we have together.
I am blessed to have you as my sibling.
Did you medicate the kids without clearing it with me? Actually, don't answer.
I don't want to know.
I need the room.
[Sighs] Why aren't you guys ready?! You're gonna make me late! I have to meet my friend for breakfast! I'd be ready, but she's been hogging the bathroom! You're the one hogging the bathroom with your long showers.
Mom didn't say anything.
She just left.
Maybe she's finally leaving us to go to Mexico to become a surf instructor, like she always threatens.
You two picked the wrong day for this crap! I am forcing you to get along.
The rest of the morning, you are attached at the wrist.
I don't want him in my selfies! Yeah, and why do you have handcuffs in your bedroom? It's from a costume party.
Don't worry about it.
Hey, guys, what's going on? Why are the kids wearing our handcuffs? I mean handcuffs.
Dad, I think they're called ham-cuffs.
- Yeah, ham-cuffs.
- Hand-cuffs.
- Right.
Ham-cuffs.
- [Groans] It's Teacher Planning Day again? Why didn't any of you say something? Guys, are we raising ourselves? Nope! It's because you're the mom.
Ugh! An unscheduled day alone with my kids? You know what? I'm gonna make the best of it.
I'm gonna turn this pee into lemonade.
I think that's the saying.
[Scoffs] Why are you doing this to me?! I have an important breakfast! I can't be stuck with my kids today! Ugh! Please don't tell me the handcuff key was on that key chain.
[Chuckles] Oh, it was.
You're happy about that? Yes! At least now we're all miserable! Hey, honey.
School's canceled because of stupid, made-up "Teacher Planning Day.
" Way to knock down public-school teachers.
Those folks have been riding high too long.
Teacher Planning Day is the worst, Greg.
But I'm making the best of it.
I'm bringing the kids with me to meet Ashley.
How is your first day of tenure going? Well, since you asked, my new corner office isn't quite what I pictured.
What's wrong with it? It's small, and three different janitors have come in looking for plungers.
I'm pretty sure, 48 hours ago, this was a supply closet.
Can't you just ask for a new office? It doesn't work that way.
Office space goes by seniority, so I have to wait till somebody dies, which could take a while.
Professor Bailey is 76, but last year, he competed on "American Ninja Warrior.
" He made it up the warped wall and everything.
What about your new assistant? Bossing someone around must be fun.
GREG: Mm I know I'm your assistant, but I feel a solid bromance brewing.
You know what, the litter box should go in that corner.
We're getting a cat! [Squeals] I feel like I've already failed to establish boundaries.
In a relationship, only one of you is allowed to have a bad day.
The one that's having less of a bad day has to step up.
Okay, honey, calm down.
The kids and I will swing by to cheer you up after my breakfast with Ashley.
This is now a professor's office.
Yeah.
Greg, I'm having the worst day.
How can I make Ashley think things are awesome if I dragging around these three life-killers? Also, I lost my keys.
And to top it all off, our cabbie is stopping at yellow lights like a total wuss! You thought you could stay quiet and keep out of this tornado? Well, you were wrong.
How's your first day of tenure going? GREG: Uh A couple of little hiccups over here, but your stuff is worse, so don't worry about me.
I'll come home early and cheer you up.
- They give you a horn for a reason! - [Horn blaring] Hey, Prius, get in the bike lane, where you belong! Sugar for your coffee? Thanks, bro.
Our bond will truly last a lifetime.
How much? 40 bucks apiece.
Don't judge me.
Mama.
I got my juice.
Katie Otto? Ashley Clark! It has been way too long! Ohh! You look amazing! - [Scoffs] - Tell me everything.
- Honestly, Ash, life is great.
- [Chuckles] These are my little angels - Taylor, Oliver, and Anna-Kat.
- Morning.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Madame.
Katie, you have a beautiful family, and so polite.
- [Chuckles] - What's your secret? Lots of love.
Not money.
Mama, I can't get this open.
No problem, honey.
[Lid pops] Now try.
The rubber band helps you grip.
- Another life-hack! - Mm-hmm.
This lady.
Oh, my God.
She's so cute, she just made my IUD fall out.
[Both chuckle] Do you have kids? No, no, I never settled down.
I'm always traveling for work.
- Mm.
- [Chuckles] It's all your fault, you know.
When you left the company, I started climbing the ladder, and I never stopped.
[Chuckles] I have a boat that I never go out on.
Pier fees are killing me.
And Ohh! [Gasps] Oh, come on! I just bought this suit! Gah! That was so sad.
Totally.
Pier fees are getting out of control.
- TAYLOR: Stop it! - No, you stop it! Why would you agree to meet her on Teacher Planning Day wearing a shredded sweater? Angela, so help me, I will smash this tiny jam jar on your forehead.
Jam her! Jam her! Jam her! Mom, tell Oliver to stop it.
What are you fighting about now? I want to drink my coffee, but Oliver won't budge.
Taylor, use your other hand.
Oh! Why didn't you tell me that? Cut it out! Okay, fine.
You can have it.
I promise I won't jerk my hand this time.
Bitch.
Mama, I got my juice.
Whoa! [Gasps] [Both gasp] What the hell, Anna-Kat?! I tripped on my shoelace because you wouldn't help me! You ruined my sweater! And you ruined my first-grade diorama.
That's right.
I forget nothing.
Katie Otto? Hide the handcuffs or die.
Ashley Clark! [Chuckles] Keep an eye on things.
If it goes bad, get me out of here.
[Both chuckle] It has been way too long! Look at you.
Oh, I would totally hug, but this is a new suit, so Oh.
- So, Katie.
- Mm-hmm? Tell me everything.
[Chuckling] Well Honestly, Ash, life is great.
But earlier, you said you hate your horrible, stupid life.
She's playing opposite day right now.
No, I'm not.
The girl's consistent.
So, are those your other two? I have to go to the bathroom.
Hey! I'm not watching you pee! It's either pee in there or pee out here.
Your choice! - Ohh! - [Glasses shatter] [Gasps] No.
The other two are out feeding the homeless.
Mom, he's trying to make me watch him pee! [Chuckling] Oh! There they are.
Are they handcuffed together? - So, what about you? - Oh.
Are you married? Do you have kids? No, I have a boat and lovers.
I have a minivan and Greg.
So, how long are you in town for? Well, I'm in Westport till Wednesday to pitch to Martha Stewart.
And then I go to New York to do a TED Talk.
That sounds amazing.
To be honest, Katie, I owe it all to you.
How so? You were the one in line for all those promotions.
I mean, just think, if you didn't have these three - Mm-hmm - you'd be me.
[Both laugh] Can you imagine? That is so funny! [Both laugh] Uh, should we jump in? No.
I think we already missed our moment.
We should probably leave.
Yeah, but then Katie will be stuck with the check.
So? She's already gonna be pissed at us.
- Good point.
Let's bounce.
- Yeah.
I knew you were in a bad mood, so I brought you People Magazine's Crossword Puzzle Book.
It always helps your self-esteem.
Damn right it does.
I could do it in ink.
- What happened here? - Can't.
You've got the kids.
I'm going upstairs to imagine our children are a 27-foot catamaran.
[Sighs] I think I'm having a mid-life crisis.
Ohh.
My life is awesome! My life sucks! Did your breakfast date really go that badly? It was a disaster.
Ashley is a big CEO who travels the world.
She's a success, and I missed my opportunity to become a success, too.
Katie, you are a success.
Your opinion doesn't matter.
You think I'm sexy after I eat a Bloomin' Onion.
Well, I love you.
And the way you look in that Outback Steakhouse lighting, come on, I'm only human.
[Both laugh] I'm trying to feel sorry for myself.
So if you can't get onboard with the pity party, get out.
How can I help? Build a time machine and a tolerance to latex.
It seems only fair that the person who has the handcuff on their right hand loses their thumb.
- Anna-Kat, chop-chop.
- On it.
No one's losing their thumb, Anna-Kat.
Okay, Mom's having a bad day, and so am I.
But I'm not allowed to have my bad day until I first fix her bad day.
And you're gonna help me.
How are we supposed to do that with these things on? Anna-Kat, I need to borrow a bobby pin.
Yeah Hey! That's it.
There we go.
Wow, Dad.
Where'd you learn to do that? I figured it out one night when your mom and I YouTube.
Hi! We have guests! I knew you were in a bad mood, so we brought you some unsalted nuts.
Because they're your favorite, - and your happiness is important to us.
- ANNA-KAT: Mm-hmm.
How much are you paying them? - We're up to $60.
- What is he doing? He's in a highly competitive charades league.
He likes to practice in his free time.
[Hisses] - "Jurassic Park"! - Nailed it! You know, I used to be lonely.
Now I have all of you.
My new family.
Now I have a place to go for Christmas! Mm! [Chuckles] I need some air.
So your office is a little claustrophobic.
You always love getting MRIs.
I worked so hard for tenure, and now that I have it, I feel like I'm starting at the bottom all over again.
And I built up the executive washroom in my head too much.
- Like, it's fine.
- Mm-hmm.
There are these fancy soaps that are not candy.
Right.
I'm gonna take a walk.
[Grunts] "Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire.
" Yes! I'm so good! We need to find a way to lift your dad's spirits.
I'm in.
Taylor? Oliver? - How much? - How much? You want to get paid to help your father? He's the greatest man I have ever known.
When you get a chance to help him, you seize the opportunity.
I had a chance like that once, and I let it slip away.
Oakland.
Summer of '98.
Black smoke fills my childhood bedroom.
And where there's smoke there's fire.
"Grant! Your stepfather's trapped upstairs!" "I'm on it!" But the flames.
There's flames everywhere.
"Mama, I can't! The flames are in the way! Mama, the flames are stopping me!" Inspirational story, Grant, but I got this.
Taylor, Oliver, I should have never gone easy on you two.
You are gonna stop being selfish and help me cheer him up.
Come on.
Let's go.
[Sighs] You got to tell me how that story ends.
Yadda, yadda, yadda, now Daddy gets jumpy at barbecues.
"Honey, I 'Blanked' the Kids.
" Sold? Abandoned? Misplaced? - Katie.
- I'll come back to it.
Go away.
I'm wallowing.
Ashley Clark's life is a fraud! OLIVER: At Stewart and Kingston's, Ashley kept bragging how awesome her life was.
So much so, it seemed suspicious.
So we took a deep dive into her social media and found this.
You come in here just to show me her perfect fruit salad? It's all berries and mango.
None of that honeydew garbage.
No.
Look across from Ashley Clark's food.
There's no other place setting.
There's hundreds of pics just like this.
In all of them, she's eating alone.
She is? Let me see that.
And she's on four different dating sites.
- All active.
- No.
Are you sure? We went on one of those background-check sites and found more good news.
She was arrested for public intoxication in '08.
So, doesn't the fact that Ashley regrets her life choices make you feel better? A little.
But not as much as the fact that you guys rallied to cheer me up.
So, you're in a better mood? Yes.
Great.
Now I can wallow.
[Sighs] This bed is bigger than my office.
What are you doing out here? Go on in.
Ca-caw! Ca-caw! [Birds chirping] Wow, it looks so much better in here.
I printed some family pictures online and made a collage.
I convinced Grant to put his desk in the hallway.
GRANT: Ca-caw! He's already in here! And I lit a vanilla candle to offset that pukey, moppy smell.
So, what do you think? I love it.
But I'm not sure this small office can fit so much joy.
GRANT: I hear a lot of love in there! And Grant helped, too.
Would it be a huge mistake to invite him for dinner? Yes, definitely.
Guys, my ears are burning! Ha! Oh, my God, I sound just like my dad! Mm-hmm.
[All cheer] Oh, thanks for inviting me over.
[Chuckles] When you're part of the family, everyone's in it together.
When someone else is having a bad day, it's your job to lift their spirits.
[All cheering] Thank you so much for inviting me! And when you're having a bad day, you can rely on your family to lift you up.
Having people who care about you is way more important than being the CEO of some company.
Why are you still wearing that sweater? I paid for overnight shipping.
I'm gonna be buried in this thing.
[Laughs] Just help me pick out the right sweater.
You never know.
It might make all the difference.
Okay, then Uh, forget the sweaters.
I like the green jacket.
[Ding] Ohh.
You look good.
Thank you! Tell you what.
Instead of meeting Ashley [Drawer opens] I've got a better idea.
I'll cancel my breakfast.
[Handcuffs rattle] [Chuckles] [Sighs] I never should have gone with the green jacket.
Hmm.
[Speaking in reverse] You never know.
It might make all the difference.
Uh, I'll just find something on the floor of my closet.