American Housewife (2016) s02e23 Episode Script

Finding Fillion

1 - Morning! - Morning.
ANNA-KAT: Mama, what happened? How come you're not wearing a wrinkled flannel shirt covered in food? That's little kid for "You look beautiful.
" Hey, Google Translator, I know what I said.
KATIE: Anna-Kat, do you have anything better to do besides abuse your parents? Better? No.
That's it.
You're joining a team sport this spring.
Why? Team sports build character and, more importantly, makes you somebody else's problem for five hours a week.
I laminated the pages for your Spring Gala presentation today.
- Thank you.
- I told you the laminator I bought six years ago on Cyber Monday would come in handy someday.
Oops, I spilled my coffee.
Oh, wait.
Pays for itself.
[Gasps] Look at you! Don't "look at you" me.
Is this how we're gonna save money? Me wearing your old prom dress to my junior prom? It's completely out of date, and the zipper is totally broken.
KATIE: Yes, it is.
Remember the dress I like? Taylor, we can't afford that.
The only expensive item we buy in this house and use just once is your dad's laminator.
Oh, I thought this was my toast.
Good thing it's laminated.
We're makin' money off this thing right now.
Well, I found it half-price at a sample sale at Bee Bee's Basement in New York.
Their doors open at 10:30, and I need to be the first one in line.
How are you gonna get there? I was hoping a certain someone could take me there and we can make an adventure out of it? Oh, honey, that is so sweet.
Oh, no, not you.
I was talking about Trip! How clueless could you get? [Both laugh] Our kids are so mean to us.
[Sighs] - Katie.
- Tara.
I got a front-row seat to watch you crash and burn.
[Chuckles] I'm not going to crash and burn.
In fact, I'm going to do just the opposite.
I'm going to arrive safely and at the perfect temperature.
Oh, my God, it's happening.
You're already imploding.
Tara, I'm gonna tell you something that's gonna sting.
I was the one who put the "I Suck" Post-it on your back at Derrick Slosher's party.
[Clears throat] Ladies of the Gala Board, I come to you with an update on the Gala that I have planned without help from anyone.
Especially Tara Summers, because she sucks we've all seen the Post-it.
[Light laughter] I have secured the Carson House for the venue and nailed down the caterer Taj Ma-Challah, the best Kosher Indian restaurant in Fairfield County.
I got you, Rachael! I've also hired some unemployed Bollywood dancers from Juilliard who are desperate to pay off their student loans.
Well, Mrs.
Otto, we're impressed with your ideas and the fact that they're laminated, but what about The auction items? All taken care of.
Big and better than last year.
Actually, what I was going to say was, what about Nathan Fillion? [Women murmuring] Nathan Fillion? At your initial presentation, you promised us you would have TV's Richard Castle riding in on an elephant.
Oh, crap, she remembered that.
[Dramatic music plays] Nathan Fillion from ABC's "Castle"! Uh-oh.
Think quick.
Of course I have Nathan Fillion.
Didn't I mention that? No? He's all in.
Plus the elephant.
Totally have that, too.
Well, in that case, I approve your plan, and we look forward to the Gala.
And by "looking forward to the Gala," I mean, "I'm looking forward to meeting Nathan Fillion.
" I want to storm his castle, if you know what I mean.
Stupid, stupid Katie.
When Nathan Fillion's a no-show, you're gonna be the laughingstock of Westport.
[Chuckles] You're so screwed.
Oh, he'll be there.
We were camp counselors together, - and he promised to never let me down.
- [Scoffs] Stop lying.
You're only making things worse.
I actually saved his life in a boating accident.
- Mm.
- Walk away, Katie! Walk.
Mouth to mouth.
The whole deal.
You'll see.
Aaaaaah! What am I supposed to do? Fly to Los Angeles, track down Nathan Fillion, and say, "You don't know me, but will you come to Westport and ride an elephant for a bunch of rich white women and you two"? Yeah.
Tracking him down isn't a problem.
All these celebrities have Instagram or Twitter.
I'll find him in 90 seconds.
Well, on the bright side, you haven't complained once about your kids, so you must be killing it at home.
Things at home are equally sucky.
Taylor is buying her prom dress in New York City with Trip and not me.
Oh, Katie, you are my best friend, and I can't think of a single thing I wouldn't rather do with Trip than you.
But prom-dress-buying is an unforgettable mother-daughter milestone.
It's like the first time she told me she hated me.
She was so angry.
I got it.
Nathan Fillion is in New York tomorrow, signing autographs at a sci-fi convention for his old show, "Firefly.
" Big whoop.
He could be sitting on your lap and it wouldn't matter.
He's still not gonna agree to some desperate mom with cornflakes in her hair begging him to come to some school fundraiser.
You show up at school with cornflakes in your hair six times and all of a sudden it's a thing.
I'm telling you, this is a sign.
Ugh! Buckle up.
Here comes some hippy-dippy nonsense.
Nathan is in New York, Katie needs Nathan, and she's also looking for an excuse to go to New York with Taylor.
It's a DS.
A double sign! Here's a double sign.
Usually I side with Doris on this.
But the sign crap works in my favor, so I'm not going to argue.
Last time you listened to Angela over me, you took a candle-making class instead of wine-tasting and missed out on drinking Pinot with Beyoncé.
- But those candles were - Shut up, Angela.
I'm still angry.
So, you're all set to take Taylor to get her dress tomorrow? Totally.
Very excited.
My two favorite places in the world New York City and the Big Apple.
You filled up the tank? You checked the tires? - You have AAA? - Sir, not a triple A.
I have two C's and an incomplete.
Dad, everything's going to be fine.
How'd the presentation go? How were the laminated pages? I painted myself into a corner that I can never get out of.
I will be mocked by Tara for eternity.
But the pages were okay? Yes, Greg.
New plan I am driving you to New York tomorrow.
No, Trip's taking me.
Turns out Nathan Fillion is going to be at a sci-fi convention in the city.
I got to go talk him into doing the Gala.
But what about my dress? The convention starts at 9:00.
We'll be there for like half an hour, talk to Nathan, and then get to Bee Bee's Basement before it opens.
But if you take me, you're going to be momming me the whole time, telling me how to act, how to sit, how to crack my knuckles all at the same time.
- [Knuckles crack] - So gross.
But I'm not going to do it this trip.
- What? - Not you, Trip.
- I'm talking about the trip with Taylor.
- I'm with Taylor.
- She's talking about going to New York.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, that and the Big Apple are my two favorite cities.
We're on a loop.
I promise I'm not going to "mom" you while we're on this trip.
Right here.
I'll keep it fun.
I won't be a drag.
We'll be best buddies.
We'll have light banter like the Gilmore Girls.
Babe, I think it's a good idea you two go together.
It means a lot to your mom.
I thought Trip was a dumb jerk at the beginning.
Turns out he's a dumb sweetheart.
Yeah, that's the problem for me.
I'm supposed to hate my daughter's boyfriend, but how can I do that when he's so likeable? Maybe you can hate him for that.
That's why we work.
[Chuckles] All right, Anna-Kat, time's up.
What sport is it gonna be? I'm gonna do flag football with Franklin.
I need someone to teach me how to throw a spiral tomorrow.
I can do it.
You're adorable.
So mean.
I'm curious, how are you going to teach Anna-Kat to throw a football? You use "touchdown" and "baskets" interchangeably.
I'm curious how you're gonna convince Nathan Fillion to ride an elephant through the Spring Gala.
Luckily, I am going with a "Firefly" superfan who will totally win over Nathan, then all I'll have to do is swoop in and make the ask.
Who's the superfan? You.
You are gonna binge-watch all 14 episodes plus the movie tonight.
Why am I doing that? Because we're family, and when you're a part of a family, people who pay for your food force you to do things.
Okay, I better get some sleep.
And you need to stay up all night.
Binge or starve.
I've been around other families.
This isn't normal.
I'm on episode 14, and I still have the movie to go.
It's awesome.
It's the Wild West in space.
- He's an enterprising smuggler - Mm-hmm.
who will do anything for money, so it's got heart.
Well, I am glad you're on board.
If you get tired in the car, I bought some caffeine pills.
Again, not a normal thing a mother says to her child.
Taylor, come on! Is that what you're wearing? To New York? I like it.
Don't you? She's testing you, Katie.
Use a word the kids use.
It's jiggy.
- Bye, Mama! - [Engine starts] Good luck! You're gonna need it! Not as much as you! Not to worry, Anna-Kat.
I did some research.
Throwing the perfect spiral is all about form.
See? That doesn't look right, Dad.
It feels right.
Back in high school, I watched a lot of football from the stands holding a tuba.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
[Cellphone beeps] Hey, Trip.
A here.
How close are you to my house? Look at us mother-daughter/best friends.
You got your feet up on the dash and I'm not saying anything about how the airbag could go off and paralyze you.
I'm cool with it.
I said it super-quick, "Gilmore Girls" style.
Yeah, it's the [bleep] dream, Mom.
Yes, it is.
How did "Firefly" not get a second season? "Bones" ran for 12! - So, Trip's really cute.
- Uh-huh.
Junior prom.
Big deal, right? Pretty much.
This is fun.
You're losing her.
Get her attention.
The guy I went to prom with, Mitch Murphy, "Murph" he was crazy.
Taught me how to do donuts in his Trans Am.
Really, Mom? And did you have your hands at 10 and 2? [As Katie] 10 and 2, Taylor! Always keep your hands at 10 and 2! Greg! Don't believe me, huh? [All screaming] Mom, you're the coolest! [Laughter] So, what do I do first? So put your fingers on the laces like that.
That's what I was gonna say.
- Just square up.
- Square.
- Drop the ball back.
- Way back.
- Then flick your wrist.
- Flick your wrist.
- And spin it.
- And spinach.
I actually said "spin it.
" Yeah, yeah.
I said spinach because the key to any sport is nutrients.
So I'm gonna whip up some smoothies.
Anna-Kat, remember, elbow down.
- Up.
- Way up.
Trip and I have so much in common.
- We both get confused in movies.
- Mm-hmm.
And we both can't remember whether or not we like olives.
And sometimes we spend hours on the trampoline just jumping and staring into each other's eyes.
Sounds like you met the right guy.
Let me ask, now that we're gal pals, do you guys do anything in the crotchals? No.
He never pressures me.
He's the perfect gentleman.
You know "the crotchals" means sex, right? Yes! Good.
- Ball up and spin.
- Okay.
There you go.
That was perfect.
What a great guy.
[Grunts] Oh, God, Trip's backpack.
If these were laminated [Dramatic music plays] I'll kill him! [Indistinct conversations] Oh, my God.
Every dork in the tri-state area is in line ahead of us.
We'll never get to Nathan Fillion before the dress shop opens.
Honey, we'll be fine.
[Sighs] Oliver, go around the corner and see how long this line really is.
Not now, Mom.
These two posers are saying it was Shepherd who was the leaf in the wind, when we all know it was Wash.
You did this to me! Mom! It's 10:17.
10:17! [Cellphone rings, beeps] Hello? I need to talk to you where Taylor can't hear.
What's going on? Okay, so Trip is outside teaching Anna-Kat to play football.
I'm inside making smoothies.
That all tracks.
And in his backpack, I find a reservation for a motel.
For prom night.
Trip is planning to take our daughter to a motel on prom night! What?! He's been conning us the whole time! Sweet Trip is a snake! I knew he was too good to be true.
It's like when that website said a sleeve of Mint Milanos is only 80 calories.
Katie, this is bigger than that! I know! Hold on, he's coming in.
I'll call you right back.
[Cellphone beeps] - [Door closes] - You.
Me! What are we doing? I want you out of my house right now! Whoa, Mr.
What's going on? You're moving too fast with my daughter.
You're right.
Her hands are way too small to throw a spiral.
I should've started with some routes, maybe some blocking.
My other daughter.
I made this smoothie for you.
And this is how you repay me? By planning to take advantage of Taylor? Thank God I didn't let you take her on that trip! That's me.
I meant to New York.
That and the Big Apple are my two fav Get out! In "Firefly," I guess my favorite character is River, but that might just be because she looks like my girlfriend.
Hold up.
You're a sci-fi fanatic and you have a girlfriend? Yeah, her name's Gina.
I knew my mom was wrong.
It is possible.
Show him the picture of your girlfriend.
Great Scott! If Trip had driven me, we'd be standing in front of Bee Bee's Basement, waiting to go in right now.
We have bigger problems than your prom dress.
You're gonna need a new prom date.
What is that supposed to mean? Sweetie, your boyfriend is not the perfect gentleman that you think he is.
Your dad found a motel reservation in his backpack for prom night.
Trip wouldn't make a motel reservation.
That's not who he is.
Yes, he would.
Your dad saw it.
Wake up.
Trip's only after one thing.
Mom, I made the motel reservation.
What? I'm only after one thing.
Great Scott! Wait, you got the motel room? You're pressuring him? I really like him, Mom.
I'd like to live long and prosper with her.
First of all, that's Spock.
Second of all, shut the hell up.
[Sighs] Maybe you two should take this conversation to a more private location.
I hear you have a girlfriend.
I don't think we're supposed to be in here.
Look who's suddenly concerned with what shouldn't go in where.
You were all cool with me in the car and then now, all of a sudden, you're full-on momming me again! Listen, I've got to be a parent if I don't want to be a grandparent.
[Groans] Getting a motel room after prom doesn't mean that's gonna happen.
And besides, who are you to talk? You are the biggest hypocrite, Ms.
Prom Dress with the Broken Zipper.
Hoo-hoo! Excuse me, nerd.
We're trying to have a private conversation.
That's cool, I'm trying to have a private peanut-butter and jelly sandwich.
[Gasps] Oh, my God.
Nathan Fillion! What are you doing in here? Well, I'm the captain of Serenity.
And my tummy was getting rumbly, so I grabbed a sammie.
I'm Katie.
Don't go anywhere.
I have to yell at my daughter, but then I need to ask you something when I'm done.
Oh, you know, that's super sweet and everything, but in today's day and age, I really I don't sign boobs anymore.
I'm going with Trip to the prom and you can't stop me.
Well, technically she can, because she's your mom.
- Don't listen to him.
- I'm agreeing with you.
He knows what he's talking about.
He agrees because he doesn't know what's going on.
My mom couldn't get out of her prom dress fast enough, yet when I want to get a motel room with my boyfriend, she's all [Imitates a high society lady] Ooh! Oh, my! [Scoffs] Is this true, Katie? Because if it is, it's going to affect my decision.
What decision? Who says you get to make a decision? [Chuckles] Katie, I'm an actor.
Acting is all about decisions, all right? - I decide how to say a line.
- Mm-hmm.
I decide when I'm going to furrow my brow now.
I think that answers your question.
- Don't you have someplace to be? - You told me to stick around.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't go anywhere.
Taylor, I wish my mom had mommed me.
I wish she had sat me down and said, "You are only 16.
There's no rush.
There's plenty of time.
" - Mm.
- See? Nathan Fillion agrees.
No, just nothing better than a PB&J.
But I have firsthand experience with this sort of thing.
- You have a daughter? - No.
- Sister? - No.
But on "Castle," Beckett and I waited till the end of season four before we finally hooked up.
It was all about the wait.
Very satisfying.
Big ratings.
But I didn't even say I was gonna do anything.
I don't even know if Trip is ready.
Well, how do you know that you're ready? Nathan, please.
How do you know that you're ready? I don't.
Then you wait.
And before you decide to do anything, I want you to come to me.
And I don't know if I'm going to act like a mom or a buddy or both, but I will be here.
Okay, Mom.
So that's it.
We'll let you go to prom - Mm-hmm.
- but no motel room.
And you have to check in every two hours.
Come on, really? Hey, your mother and I have decided.
[Sighs] Deal.
I'm proud of you.
Katie, get in here.
Mm! I love these moments.
Okay, I've got to change into my regular clothes and get back out there.
Wait, isn't that what you wear to sign autographs? Oh, no, no, no, no.
I don't wear this for the fans.
This is just a little something I do for me.
Wait, one more small thing in two weeks, will you come to Westport, Connecticut, and ride an elephant into my school fundraiser? Did you say elephant? I know it's ridiculous.
No, I'll I'll I'll do it.
Really? Why? I just opened this box of animal crackers and it was all elephants.
It's a sign.
Don't you believe in signs? Yes.
Of course I do.
So you'll do my Gala? I'll be there with bells on.
You will be there with bells on, because you have to dress like you're in Bollywood.
- It's a DS.
- [Gasps] - Double sign.
- Double sign.
Ha! I'm glad everything worked out for you, but I'm still not gonna get my dress.
The door's open now, and someone definitely grabbed it.
Uh, ring them up on your phone for me.
[Dialing] Hi, there.
This is TV's Nathan Fillion.
Yeah, that one.
I need you to hold a dress for me.
WOMAN: Annaleise, it's Castle! - [Women screaming] - We're good.
Tara, I really need to talk to you about the Nathan Fillion thing.
Oh, you're finally going to admit what a big liar you are? I'm gonna roll on this.
Actually, it might be better for you to hear it from someone else.
Hi, Tara.
I'm Nathan Fillion.
You may know me from such shows as "Two Guys, A Girl and a Pizza Place" or "Castle" or "Firefly.
" But probably "Castle.
" I'm coming to your Spring Gala! How did you ge KATIE: Now say that thing we talked about.
Oh, it's an inside joke? She'll think it's funny? Absolutely.
[Chuckling] Okay.
I'll see you there, stupid, stupid Tara.
- Wow.
That was good.
- [Horn honks] [Engine shuts off] Thanks for coming by, Trip.
I'm really sorry for yelling at you the other day.
It's okay, Mr.
You could've said it was Taylor that got the motel room, but you didn't.
I didn't want to get her in trouble.
You really are a gentleman.
We good? Definitely.
You two hens done cluckin'? It's time to play some football.
All right.
Good throw.