American Housewife (2016) s02e24 Episode Script

The Spring Gala

1 Ohh! A brain freeze before 8:00 a.
This is living.
So, we're just having ice cream for breakfast? - Really? - Uh, uh, uh.
You said in the week leading up to the Gala, you were gonna have your hands full.
So your instructions were to - Oliver? - As Mom said and I quote "Pretend I ran off to Mexico with a guy named Enrique.
You're now a single father with three kids.
Parent as you will.
" That was taken out of context.
You're right.
The context was, "Parent as you will.
And, Oliver, if you don't stop writing this down, I will stab that pen in your eye.
" See? Now we see the full picture.
But can I just say There also was a no-comment clause.
I won't comment on things things like Anna-Kat not making her bed, Taylor coming in past curfew, and Oliver heading to ballet practice in his good recital leotard.
Boys will be boys.
You know what? Be fun all you want.
I'm not gonna let your happiness get me down.
You know, for the Gala being tomorrow, you seem relaxed.
That's because everything is in order.
All I have to do is drop off the fliers at school to remind people to dress in Indian garb for the big Bollywood party.
I'm heading out.
Do you want me to take the kids? No, thanks.
I'm bringing them in late just to add a little fun to Fun Dad Friday.
Head shakes are also commenting! Dad, let's blow off school and go visit Hans Gruber at the farm! That would be classic Fun Dad.
Guys, that may be taking this too far.
Remember three seconds ago when Dad was awesome? Hey, Boring Dad, where's your shawl-collared sweater? [Dialing.]
Grant, cancel my office hours.
We're going to a farm.
[All cheering.]
This must be how Kenny G feels when he steps out onstage.
KATIE: Hi, Principal Ablin.
I hope you've got your sari ready for the Gala tomorrow night.
Actually, traditional Indian attire for men isn't a sari.
It's called a kurta.
I have one in beautiful magenta silk that I picked up when I lived in an ashram outside of Varanasi.
I was wracked with dysentery the entire time.
Bright side got down to my Speedo weight.
CHLOE: So, there's Penny's classroom.
Now, get in there and make some crafts with the kids.
I still don't understand this.
You're room mother.
Penny is your kid.
Why am I doing this? Because you work for me, you're crafty, and you don't have to worry about ruining your clothes 'cause they're so terrible.
So, get in there.
Bye! I called the Chamber of Commerce, and they said you're paying me below minimum wage.
And I called the Chamber of Doughy, Pale Bodies, and they said you're their president.
Now get in there and delight my daughter's class! Delight them! Get in there! Hey.
God, managing the help is so exhausting.
Uhh, tell me about it.
I'm going on vacation next week, and my packer's appendix burst.
It's like, "Do it on your own time.
" - Yeah.
- So, Katie, tomorrow's the big night! - Are you ready? - Yep.
I've got it all handled the food, the music, the flowers, the magic, the mystery, the dance.
Do you know who else thought she had everything handled? Last year's Gala chairperson Stacy Clouser.
Where are all my shrimp?! [Panting.]
I ordered 6,000 shrimp! Stacy, are you okay? I'm fine.
So fine.
They're probably just buried under the ice.
No, no, no! Oh, my God! This can't be happening! Which one of you shrimp-stealers stole my shrimp?! - [Laughs.]
- Open your purses! I said open them! Well, you don't need to worry about me.
My Gala is gonna be amazing.
I even got television's Nathan Fillion riding in on an elephant, surrounded by Bollywood dancers.
But do you want to know what the best part is going to be? Uh, it all falling apart and you being shunned? Ooh! A shunning! I do love a good shunning.
You know, public shamings are more my thing, but shunnings are nice.
[Katie chuckles.]
The best part is going to be the look on your sad, gross faces when I Slumdog this millionaire! That actually didn't make sense.
Oh, I am so proud of you, Katie! I mean, honestly, I was a little worried that maybe you took on too much, but, ohh, you're gonna be the toast of the town! Or just toast.
Your Gala's gonna suck.
Just so you know, this is why your husbands don't have sex with you.
Everything will be set up tomorrow morning the tables, the stage goes over there, the champagne fountain goes there, and this is where I stand, receiving praise from all the other housewives.
I plan on saying "Suck it!" a lot.
I will not be gracious.
Well, are you sure Nathan Fillion is gonna show? Because those "suck its" aren't gonna land unless you have him riding in on an elephant.
He gave me his word.
And, more importantly, there was a sign.
He opened a box of animal crackers, and it was all elephants.
- That doesn't just happen.
- Yes, it does, because it did.
And he's as bonkers as you are.
[Ringtone plays.]
Hello? Beware.
They're out to get you.
Who's this? My name is Stacy Clouser.
They're out to get you.
Who's out to get me? Them.
- [Line disconnects.]
- Hello? [Beeping.]
That was Stacy Clouser.
She said they're out to get me.
It could be a sign a bad sign.
Can phone calls be signs? Of course they can.
- [Ringtone plays.]
- Doris, I know it's you.
Just answer it.
You're just gonna make fun of me.
Come on.
It could be important.
Hi, Angela.
It's Doris.
You're a nutjob! Bye! [Cellphone chimes.]
You got a message.
You should check it.
Hans Gruber looks happy.
I wonder if he can talk to the other animals, like in "Babe.
" What am I saying? Of course he can! Professor Otto! Grant, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the university.
I'm your assistant.
I'm here to assist.
How did you even find me? I placed a Tile device in your wallet.
I need to know where you are.
That is very unsettling.
That doesn't sound like a "stop it"! Oh! Hey, look, a camel! My dad had a pet camel when I was growing up in India.
You remind me of sweet Pepito.
Dad, can we have a pet camel? No.
I'm sure he came to the animal sanctuary because he's not supposed to be a pet.
Just like Hans Gruber's not supposed to be a pet.
I understand.
It's not like a dog.
That's right.
A dog is a whole different story.
- [Gasps.]
Look, a dog! - [Barks.]
Can we have him? A golden retriever is a pet! Come on, Dad.
We could use a smart blonde in the family.
We cannot bring home a dog.
It's not even ours.
Who says it's even a rescue? I do.
You want the dog? His name is Luthor.
ALL: Please! Please! You're wasting your breath.
No dog.
I already love him so much! - [Crying.]
- [Horn honks.]
That's Mom's car.
We got to keep Luthor out of sight until we make sure she's in a dog-receptive state of mind.
Fun Dad is no match for Mad Mom.
Come on.
Tomorrow night calls for clear skies and multiple "suck its.
" [Chuckles.]
Seems like you could take on anything right now.
I'm crushing it as Gala chair.
[Ringtone plays.]
Principal Ablin, holla! Come on.
She's in a perfect dog mood.
She said "holla.
" What?! Who says I can't use an elephant for domestic purposes? Well, who the hell told PETA about it? The Gala is tomorrow, and you're telling me I have no elephant?! Mood has shifted.
Mood has shifted.
Come on.
It's a Bollywood event, and I lost my elephant.
The only reason Nathan agreed to do this was because elephants were a sign.
All right, calm down.
We'll figure it out.
I'm sure there are other things in India that people ride camels, for instance.
Camels weren't a part of the sign, Greg.
Maybe he did have a sign with camels.
You don't know.
The Gala is tomorrow night.
Where in the world would I get a camel? I can get you a camel.
You? You can get a camel? I have some mysteries up my sleeve.
You think you know everything about me, but Is it the farm where we dropped off Hans Gruber? Yes.
Hey, Nathan! Hey, Katie.
I'm getting fitted for my kurta right now.
Looking good! So, I had a thought.
Instead of an elephant, which is always rampaging and stuff, how about a nice, reliable, friendly camel? Stop pinning.
The sign was elephants.
I mean, Katie, I'm not stupid.
The only reason I'm doing this is because the box of cookies told me to do it.
KATIE: Oh, my God.
That's it! No problem.
Elephant it is.
Trunk, big ears, the whole thing.
Keep pinning! See? It's about a monkey who wants to be a toucan, so he made himself a colorful beak and cut off his tail.
I think it's supposed to be about accepting people who are transitioning.
I don't know what Chloe's told you, but I was born a woman.
That's not it.
I called you over because I know how good you are with crafts.
So, could you make me a trunk and ears that fits on a camel so it looks like an elephant? I could, but Chloe would be so mad if she found out I helped you.
- Mm.
- I'm in.
And make sure to tell her it was me.
Actually, don't.
She scares me.
I was brave for a second.
Hi, Katie! We were just talking about you behind your back.
[Light laughter.]
I wasn't.
Well, sometimes I nod along, but otherwise, no one would hang out with me.
It's okay, Suzanne.
I know you have a good heart unlike you three [bleep.]
[All gasp.]
That's the worst possible word you could use! Well, now, it's my favorite word.
Katie, why are you even here? To let you know your little plan to call PETA to screw up Castle riding in on an elephant isn't gonna work.
- Anyone know what she's talking about? - No clue.
I'm still processing what she called us.
I mean, there's a line.
Oh, save it.
I know one of you is "them.
" [Chuckles.]
Guys, check it out.
She's starting to go full-on Stacy Clouser.
- [Laughter.]
- She's Clousin' out! One ticket to Clouse town! Send in the Clouse! Clousin' time! No, Nancy.
I am not Stacy Clouser! I am Katie Otto, and you might as well give it up, because my Gala is gonna rule.
So long [bleep.]
[All gasp.]
I worked all night on this so you'd have it in time for the Gala this evening.
Burned myself a few times with the hot-glue gun.
It was nice to feel something.
Maria! This is amazing! You're right.
I never should have bothered.
No! I love it! Exactly.
I do suck.
You really think Nathan Fillion will go for it? I mean, he is gonna notice it's a dressed-up camel.
Greg, he played a detective on TV.
He's not one in real life.
- So, you're in a good place? - Yeah.
I'm gonna go get the kids.
- Why? - You'll see.
[Ringtone plays.]
Hey, Doris.
What's happening at the Carson House? There is nothing happening.
Nothing's been set up.
Nothing has even been delivered! What are you talking about? Everything was supposed to be dropped off this morning.
I know.
That's why I called your vendors and the caterers, and everyone said you canceled everything last week.
But I didn't cancel anything.
Those dirty, little Katie, I know you're upset, but it's never okay to use that word.
Mood has shifted.
Mood has shifted.
Go! [Katie sighs.]
They did it, Greg.
They beat me.
They canceled my caterer, the dancers, my champagne fountain, everything.
People are going to show up, and there's literally going to be nothing there.
The Gala's ruined.
So am I.
I'm done in this town.
And we're gonna have to move out of Westport.
- We won't have to move.
- You're right.
It's my shame.
You and the kids stay.
I'll go to Mexico with Enrique.
Hey! Pull it together! You are Katie Otto.
You have stood up for the downtrodden, the poorly dressed, the larger gals, the people who don't believe opening a bag of peanuts on an airplane can really get someone sick 10 rows away.
How did this happen?! The woman who criticized all the busybodies in this town with their hysterics and their events and their wastes of feminine energy is defeated, curled up because she can't get her champagne fountain! Why are you yelling at me? Because you're trying to throw this Gala the Westport housewife way, not the Katie Otto way.
My Katie Otto would never let those bitches get the better of her.
That's right.
I threw down the B-word.
This isn't the woman I married.
The woman I married wouldn't give up.
You know what she would do? What would she do? She would get off that couch and figure out a way to throw the Gala her way, not their way.
But how am I going to put together an entire Gala in eight hours? - With me.
- With us.
We've got your back.
Ottos never quit! I threw Karen Nelson's hysterectomy party together in minutes 150 guests.
I made that papier-mâché "Adios to your uterus" piñata moments before the guests arrived.
That's right, you did.
I can do this! Damn straight you can! So, you're in a good place? Yeah.
I'm in a great place.
Good, 'cause we got a dog.
Okay, people, we've got five hours to transform this place into a Bollywood extravaganza.
Doris, I need you to go to the outlet store and get as many candles, rugs, and throw pillows - as you can.
- Outlet store?! Fine.
I'll do it because we're friends.
But I am paying full price! KATIE: We need decorations that are on-theme.
Angela, can we borrow some of the Buddhist stuff that you have at your house? Greg, you and the recycling committee, go pick up the Buddha, string lights, and then get started cleaning out the trash cans for the trash-can punch.
Okay, we need dancers.
I'll ask my ballet class to help.
Great! Okay, let me see what else.
Uh, I don't know, Mom.
Food? Right.
Forgot about that.
Does anyone know where we could get Indian food for 200 people by 4:00 today? I have an idea! [Chuckles.]
Grant! I took the Tile out of my wallet.
How did you find me? I followed you home from the farm, broke into your car, and hid in your trunk like any good assistant would.
Let's blow past how creepy that was and focus on how you can help me.
My uncle owns an Indian food-truck business.
I can ask if he knows someone.
How about your uncle? Oh, yeah! I can make that happen! Grant, I love you! And I love your husband! What do you say, people?! Let's do this thing! - All right! - Yeah! - Come on, guys.
- Whoo! Oh my God, Katie.
Last year, it was just the shrimp that ran out, but you don't have anything.
The Gala is five hours away, and you have nothing but an empty tent.
I'm gonna be the first one here so I can watch you crash and burn.
So you just happened to be strolling by moments after the Gala fell apart? Stupid Tara unlike your husband, I'm all over you.
Stacy? It's Katie Otto.
I'm calling to tell you that you were right.
Someone is messing with my Gala, and they messed with yours, too.
I knew it! Someone canceled your shrimp order.
Ugh! Damn right they did! Not "they.
" She.
Tara Summers.
Tara Summers? Tara Summers! Which one is Tara Summers? Blonde-ish.
Smells like tofu.
Tara Summers! [Beeps.]
You see, Marmalade? I am not crazy.
Okay, guys, in the tent by the table.
Come on, just like Rajnee showed us on YouTube.
Screw in the light bulb.
Screw in the light bulb.
I said just a splash, Maria! Ugh! Those tulips aren't you and your gal pals at Bennigan's for happy hour! [Laughs.]
Nailed it! Now, pet the dog.
Pet the dog.
Oh, my God.
This is so good.
Mmm! I know.
Ooh! I'm gonna get all "lose my shoes, tell my kids I love 'em" drunk.
[Horn honks.]
Hey! [Laughs.]
Thank you! I love your husband.
I know.
[Bollywood-themed music plays.]
I was wracked with dysentery the whole time, but bright side I got down to my Speedo weight.
This is so good.
From now on, I'm only drinking out of garbage cans.
I can't believe this all came together.
- Mm-hmm.
- I am so proud of you.
You know, one thing I will give to you poors you are resourceful.
Well, stupid, stupid Tara, even with you doing all that you could do to sabotage my Gala, I still pulled it off.
Katie, I honestly have no idea what you're talking [Stacy screams.]
[Both grunting.]
I knew I ordered enough shrimp! Get [Grunts.]
Get her off me! You ruined my life! Everyone thought I was crazy! Well, I'm not crazy! You did this to me! Help me! Help me! Let 'em go.
Katie, I hate to admit it, but this Gala is amazing.
I mean, best ever.
Thank you so much.
And, ladies, I mean this from the bottom of my heart - Aww.
- Suck it! [Breathing heavily.]
Clouser's back! [Grunts.]
- She is the best! - I've always liked her.
It wasn't me! Yeah, right.
If it wasn't you, then who? I don't know.
SUZANNE: Why do I sabotage the Gala every year? Is it because chaos turns me on? Or maybe these Mexican diet pills are making me psychotic.
Katie! This punch is so yummy! Suzanne, you're the best.
[Bollywood-themed music plays.]
[Camel grunts.]
CHLOE: Oh, my gosh.
It really is Nathan Fillion.
And he's riding on a What the hell is that? I'm at a Gala in Westport riding a camel disguised as an elephant, and I've never felt more alive! [All cheering.]
How did you know he'd go for the camel-elephant? Well, Anna-Kat and I prepared him a little snack when he stopped by before the Gala.
It's all elephants and camels.
It's another sign.
Cookies, you've done it again.
You did it.
I did do it.
I thought you'd say, "We did it," but all right.
How about this I did it, but I couldn't have done it without you.
[Music continues.]
[All cheering.]
- A-mark.
- Oh, my God! I feel like my eyes are dry-heaving! What? We're just showing that we like each other.
D really laid it on me! [Laughter.]
I couldn't breathe! [Laughter.]
All right, I don't use it very much, but I'm kind of fond of it, so there we go.
[Classical music plays.]
MAN: Action.
Mama, Daddy, guess Ha, ha! Yes, that was wrong.
Oh! You all right? Back in my day, if you wanted to cheat, you'd just write the formula on your upper thigh.
Did I get it? Great.
But then I just stopped and I ruined it, so - [Laughter.]
- That's awesome! At somebody's convenience, may I get some Tums? I had a doughnut and bacon, and I'm regretting every choice.
- Was that it? - Yes.
Do it again.