American Housewife (2016) s03e08 Episode Script

Trophy Wife

1 [Gasps] Yes! I got the highest score in the class so I get to pick the movie for "Feature Friday.
" Congratulations, Sweetheart.
You studied so hard for that vocabulary test and it paid off.
Franklin, we'll need to brainstorm movie options during recess.
Okay, but the only movie I've ever seen is "Soapdish.
" KATIE: Uch.
Tara, Sage, Jennifer, and Holly.
It's like if The Beatles were made up entirely of Yokos.
Look at what she's wearing.
She's not even wearing a bra.
Who cares if I'm not wearing a I'll have you plant-based idiots know that I am wearing a bra today.
This is just as high as they go now.
It's brave of you to share something so sad, but we weren't talking about you.
Who else would you be insulting if not me? Her.
How does she have wind blowing gently through her hair? We're in an enclosed space.
Who cares about her hair? Check out all that cleave.
Yowza.
Who is she? Harper the home wrecker.
She's Insignia Vaillancourt's new step-mom.
Not a name.
That's not a name.
She busted up Claude and Michelle's marriage and now she's prancing around Westport smiling at people, volunteering at the animal shelter.
- It's disgusting.
- [Muttering] There's finally someone they hate more than me.
Harper obviously married for money.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- But you sure didn't.
- [Laughter] Okay, maybe she's just someone they hate as much as me.
I love seeing the Westport moms freak out about Harper.
Nothing scares those be-yatches like a trophy wife blowing into town.
They think their husbands will trade them in - for a younger model, too.
- That is so sad.
[Laughs] It is funny.
[Laughs] Oh, d-did you say sad? Since I moved to this town, these women have dedicated their lives to judging me and making me feel like an outcast.
They make fun of your clothes, your hair, your makeup, the sound of your pleather wallet sliding out of your pleather bag.
Sicking Harper on them is my chance for a little payback.
Mm-hmm.
Make them feel like they make you feel.
You two aren't worried about Greg or Richard getting any ideas about trading you in? Greg would never cheat on me.
- Fool loves me too much.
- [Chuckling] And Richard has a healthy fear of diseases.
Mm.
Oh, thank God for those herpes commercials during "NCIS.
" Ohh, hey, look.
Let's start messing with them right now.
Ask me how I look so young for my age.
Ask me loudly.
[Loudly] Angela, you look so young for your age.
What's your secret? [Loudly] Oh, you wouldn't believe me.
Baby pee.
An infant's urine is better than BOTOX.
I mean, that's just science.
Science? Isn't that what doctors use? Sure is.
Just take a wet diaper and rub it all over your face twice a night, five to ten minutes.
[Laughter] I mean, for a fifty-five year old woman - you look fantastic! - [Laughter] [Quietly] Do you think that they're going for it? [Quietly] Just to be sure [Loudly] Oh, my You're sixty-five?! Ow! [Normal voice] Grandma took her Geritol.
[Laughter] I have to pick the perfect movie for "Feature Friday.
" Okay, so which one of these movies do you think most represents me "Matilda," "The Sound of Music" Ooo, "The Sound of Music.
" I once had a layover in Miami with Christopher Plummer.
Mm.
He made my hills come alive.
[Chuckles] That one's coming off the list.
Did you ever notice your mom makes everything about herself? No, Greg.
I've never met my mom.
Well, I've had enough.
She's living here now, she needs to take an interest in our lives.
She knows your name and where we keep the vermouth.
That's as interested as she gets.
- Where are you going? - There's a new mom at school and I'm going to go welcome her and encourage her to get involved.
- Oh, that's nice of you.
- Uh-huh.
What's your ulterior motive? - Revenge.
- Oh, the usual.
Will you guys help me get Grandma to stop thinking about herself for one minute and ask a question about one of us? Sure, and while we're at it, we can get her to stop telling us all the old-timey celebrities she mile-highed with.
That would never happen.
I was being sarcastic.
Well, stop it.
It's confusing.
Come on, guys, we can do this.
Teamwork.
Gooooooooo! I'll-get-you-guys-iTunes- gift-cards-if-you-help-meeee! ALL: Gooooo Ottos! Hi.
I'm Katie Otto.
My daughter Anna-Kat is in the same class as your stepdaughter Em blem? - Oh, Insignia.
- Mm.
[Chuckles] Emblem isn't a name.
[Chuckles] Of course, I feel so silly.
I made you some cookies.
Aw, that is so sweet.
No one's really reached out to me since I moved here.
They just look at me and whisper.
Harper, I don't just have cookies.
I have advice.
I was iced out by the Westport moms when we first moved here too, but then I threw a fantastic Spring Gala and now everyone loves me.
So, what should I do? You need to put your stamp on the school with a high-profile volunteer gig.
- Do you work? - [Laughs] You're funny.
I like that.
[Laughs] And you need to get to know all the moms.
And dads, too.
- I love that idea.
- Mm-hmm.
I always say, "Volunteering is our soul's way of animating gratitude for our blessings.
" Monogram is so lucky to have you as a step-mom.
- Insignia.
- Her, too.
Oof.
I had a day you would not believe.
You know what I can't believe? How good I look in these jeans.
[Chuckles] Am I right? [Chuckles] Hey, Grandma, quick question.
For my tattoo do I go full-sleeve or just a treasure map on my back? A tattoo? [Chuckles] I'll show you a tattoo.
[Sighs] I got this in Dublin.
It's a rainbow with a pot of gold at the end.
I don't see a pot of gold.
Oh, well, that part's hidden.
[Crying] Shhhh.
[Crying] Shhh! HOLLY: Hey, Katie.
Holly.
Jennifer, Sage Darth Vegan.
Man, what smells like Baby pee! They're doing it! These idiots are doing it! You all look so great! You really must be pampering yourselves.
I gotta remember to tell that to Doris and Angela.
Good morning.
This is Harper and she's volunteered to be room mom for Mr.
Lombardo's class.
Oh, the room mom has to have a ton of interaction with us parents so I think we need someone who knows their way around more.
But thanks! [Chuckling] That's why Harper wanted the job.
To get to know the parents better.
I think it's a capital idea.
Aww, thanks, Principal Ablin.
She knows my name.
[Chuckles] And thank you, Katie.
I never would have volunteered for room mom if it wasn't for your guidance.
I can't wait to spend a lot of time with all you amazing moms.
And your husbands! After careful consideration, I have chosen my movie for "Feature Friday.
" Franklin, the envelope, please? This is a clipboard.
I told you to grab an envelope.
My mom said I can't use envelopes anymore.
I like the taste of the glue too much.
Oh, Franklin.
If you didn't have those Ed Sheeran good looks.
And the winner is Please be "Soapdish.
" Please be "Soapdish.
" Please be "Soapdish.
" - "The Goonies"! - [Groans, stomps] Perfect movie! The fat kid was named Chunk, the slow guy was named Sloth.
Oh, it was back when you could just call 'em like you saw 'em.
[Chuckles] Are you reading a school email? I thought you said we were forbidden from doing that.
Mnh-mnh, it's from Harper.
She's calling a mandatory parent meeting of "The Feelings Council" tomorrow.
- What's that? - No idea.
But those Westport dopes will be there feeling bad about themselves, so I'm in.
You're a mom, you have a job is undermining their marriages the best use of your time? You make time for things that are important, Greg.
You're first, Grandma.
Pick a card and ask me a question.
Well, this seems silly, but okay.
If you could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, who would it be? - Well - Marilyn Monroe.
- No, I'm supposed to - She had an intimate relationship with some of the most powerful men in America.
[Chuckles] And plus, I'd love to compare notes on Brando.
- No, Kathryn, the other person - Next question! Oh.
Well, easy: flight.
Why would I waste a superpower on invisible when I look like this? [Chuckles] Bury the body in the desert, burn the car, head for Rosarito.
That's what you would do if someone asked you - to go Dutch on the first date? - Yeah.
How is this even a question? I'd save myself and let the school bus go over the cliff.
[Chuckles] You're right, this really is fun.
Feelings Council is an ancient ritual, born at Coachella Fest, to create an inclusive space through community, mindfulness, and gratitude.
Isn't she fun? She's so free and open.
Every woman her age is.
Tinder is swimming with Harpers.
Do you want me to send you the link? I'm gonna send you the link.
[Gong crashes] Did you all feel that? We just raised our universal vibration.
[Chuckles] Did you feel that, honey? Oh, I felt it.
I so felt it.
I felt it, too.
Sweetie, someone asked me the other day if I was bulimic.
[Chuckles] The Class Council must start with our opening rituals The gong, an offering of water for our ancestors and a talking stick.
Now, in council, only the being holding the talking stick may speak.
She kind of makes you feel old and ugly, doesn't she? Not the universal you.
You, in particular.
You're gonna pay for this, and I know you can't afford it because you're a stupid poor.
[Gasps] Uh-uh-uh.
And like I tell my husband's first wife, let's not name call.
[Sighs] I know some of my ideas may seem strange because I'm from a much younger generation.
[Chuckles] No you're not, what year were you born? 1993.
How about you? Oh.
[Chuckles] I was born t [Laughing] Can't talk without the talking stick.
So Harper, you are just so wonderful.
I wish that there were more women from your generation coming into our community.
Hear, hear.
Oh.
So, Claude, how did you meet the true love of your life who rekindled your manhood and made you realize that your first marriage was a mistake? Uh, my first wife, um [Chuckles] - Uh - Michele.
Her name is Michele.
- Talking stick.
- Talking stick you! Michele wanted me to get into yoga, and Harper was the instructor for our introductory class.
You always said yoga would be great for my lower back.
So where do you teach? - I would love to keep - Honey, you're hogging the stick.
Here's a great yoga stretch.
Okay.
[Exhales deeply] [Moaning] Oh, yeah.
Okay, yeah.
Right there.
[Sighs] [Sighs] Feels good to get involved in school.
KATIE: It was a huge success even though she banned clapping in the classroom.
She did away with clapping? Yep.
So now if we agree on something and want to show our appreciation, we have to do this [Blowing] Why? So no one feels less appreciated than another person.
And then you lunged at her.
How many people did it take to pull you off? Did they have to call in the gym teachers? No, I kept it together because the Witches of Westport feel so bad about themselves.
It was really beautiful.
They're going insane trying to out-Harper Harper.
[Machine buzzes] [Tearing, screaming] [Panting] [All groaning] As long as they're unhappy, I'm happy.
Oh God.
That sounds terrible.
Am I terrible? No.
I'm good.
I'm perfect.
Anna-Kat, what's wrong? Insignia's mom said I can't show my movie in class.
Harper? Why would she ban "The Goonies"?! It's the perfect movie.
She said that it's inappropriate and that I need to meditate on why I'd choose something that doesn't represent my best self.
She probably didn't realize that you're my daughter.
I'll email her and straighten it out.
Thanks, Mama.
[Sighs] For once there's someone at the school that doesn't hate me.
What about the lady at the front desk? - She likes you.
- I was discussing the other idiot who works the front desk with her, and then I just realized she changed her hair.
I'm sure you now see why "The Goonies" is so important to Anna-Kat.
XO, Katie.
[Whoosh] Sent.
I think it's a nice mix of "sweet" and "don't cross me.
" Aw, that's how I first described you to my parents.
- [Computer chimes] - She replied already.
HARPER: Dear Katie, your fire for your daughter is inspiring Blah, Blah, Blah "The Goonies" promotes lying, greed and a troubling pro-pirate agenda.
My inner-voice tells me Anna-Kat clearly needs my guidance and influence.
Inner voice? KATIE: What kind of weirdo has an inner voice? Uh-oh.
HARPER: For good measure, I've looped in Principal Ablin.
Love and Light.
Looping in Ablin? Don't loop in - [Computer chimes] - PRINCIPAL ABLIN: Ahoy, Maties! Though I've never seen "The Goonies," I totally trust Harper's judgment.
Smiley face emoji.
Prayer hands emoji.
Principal Ablin AKA "King Of School.
" Anna-Kat put hours into picking her movie.
Also, this is a parent issue, so let's keep it between us.
[Whoosh, computer chimes] HARPER: Dear Katie, perhaps you're right.
Damn right I'm right! I've looped in all the parents.
Let's put it to the hive mind - and make it a community decision.
- [Groans] Community decision? That's not gonna go your way.
[Computer chiming] - Great call, Harper! - Totally agree.
TARA: I vote for anything against Katie Otto.
Middle finger emoji.
Greg? My screaming pillow, please.
[Muffled scream] - Thank you.
- [Computer chimes] HARPER: Community, your feelings are felt.
"The Goonies" will not be shown.
Seems like the hot monster you created has turned the villagers against you.
As a member of this "community," I'm invoking my sacred right to call a gathering of the Feelings Council.
Tomorrow.
During recess.
- Be there! - [Whoosh, computer chimes] BRUCE: I'll be there.
And Harper, I'm just circling back to get the info on your yoga studio.
- [Computer chimes] - TARA: That's okay.
We're good! Did you get Harper to let me show "The Goonies"? I am going to a meeting about it this morning and everything is going to be fine.
You're the best.
Nothing bad could ever happen to me when you're around.
No pressure there.
[Groans] This is just so hard.
I guess if ruining people's lives was easy, everyone would do it.
Now I got to go rally the size twos against that size zero.
I'm actually a double zero in designer clothes and a child's twelve at The Gap.
Great job getting through to her.
- Kathryn, she wasn't talking about you.
- Why not? You only seem to be interested in yourself.
Well, what do you want me to do? Change my whole personality? Maybe just try listening.
Or asking the other person about their day before you talk about yours.
Okay.
Uh, how was your day, Greg? Oh, thanks for asking, Kathryn.
My day - [Cellphone ringing] - Ah.
To be continued.
Hello? No, no, no.
No, now is a perfect time to talk about bundling my Internet and my phone.
Uh-huh.
Ladies, I can't afford this expensive gym, so I'm on my free tour, and I ditched the attendant in the locker room.
This will be quick.
[Grunting, yelling] [Panting] What do you want, Katie? Yeah, why are you here? I need you to back me up at Feelings Council today about "Feature Friday.
" Harper has gone way too far.
[Yells] So let me get this straight.
Now that Harper is bothering you, it's suddenly a problem? Exactly.
We're not helping you, Katie.
But you'll be helping yourselves, too.
Today it's saying no to "Goonies," but what if tomorrow it's saying no to BOTOX? Because she wants moms to have facial expressions.
- [Gasps] - [Gasps] See? You all sound, but don't look, surprised.
[Yells] [Breathes heavily] You know, all of our problems would be solved if you just got rid of Harper as room mom.
It's super confusing when good ideas come out of your awful face.
Before Katie starts, I'll be approving all movies and classroom snacks from now on, so just text me.
And if you have any other questions or ideas, you can put them in here I call it a "thought cradle.
" Well, I call it a shoe box that you decorated like an 8th grader.
So, I called a Feelings Council Okay, you need the talking stick.
- So give it to me.
- I don't have it.
- I didn't call this meeting.
- [Groans] Fine.
It's really got to be a stick.
[Groans] A-ha! "Beef stick.
" How long have you had that in your purse? It doesn't matter.
It expires in 2046.
There's nothing wrong with "The Goonies.
" It is a celebration of friendship, perseverance, and accepting people who are different than you.
[Sighs] I must stop this Feelings Council No talking without the talking stick.
It's time for you to listen.
Because this is our time.
This is our time in here.
That was a quote from the movie.
It rallied everyone together.
I'm kind of doing the same thing here.
[Chuckles] Anyhow, Harper, it's time for you to listen.
"I feel" you need to stop shoving your ideas down our throats.
"I feel" like your side-cleave is way more inappropriate than a delightful '80s movie classic.
[Blowing] And I feel that this nonsense is stupid.
[Applause] Okay, I see what's going on here.
You're all mad because I'm young and I produce more collagen than I know what to do with.
I believe the Council can call for a vote of "No Feeling" and the leader can be removed.
You can't vote me out.
[Laughing] I am Feelings Council.
Bup! No talking without the stick.
Okay, you know what? I lied! I do have the talking stick.
[Sighs] When you're a mother, like me, you need to be very careful about Uh Oh! You have been a mom for two months! Stop giving parenting advice or I will knock you all the way back to Coachella.
[Scoffs] I am going to talk to Principal Ablin and have Insignia transferred to the other class.
Ladies, we put aside our differences and worked together to drive away the supple room mom.
Maybe this is a new beginning for us.
Yes, maybe it can be.
I agree.
I mean, Katie, you're awful, but at least I know you can't steal my husband.
[Laughter] Tara, that is one of the nicer insults you've ever said to me.
What do you say we make an effort to turn over a new leaf? I agree.
Ooh, this could be so much fun.
We could flip tires together.
We're doing a cabbage soup cleanse.
Oh, of course we're gonna have to find someone else new to hate.
You can help us pick them.
[Gasps] You can be one of us! KATIE: Oh, God.
The only thing worse than them not liking me is them liking me.
Now that we're all besties, I should tell you guys we were messing with you the other day.
Baby pee does nothing for the skin.
Other than make you smell like a ball pit - at Chuck E.
Cheese.
- [Gasping] I can't believe you.
What kind of a person does that? I have pee on my face.
We're back to hating you.
Everyone hates me again.
That feels right.
You're the best mom ever.
I've got a mug of wine to prove it.
Congratulations to you too.
The kids said my mom asked you how your day was and she almost stuck around to hear the answer.
Baby steps.
I'm happy with that.
Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
That's a John Stuart Mill quote.
How do you know that? [Chuckles] Ah.
I read your book.
- When did you read my book? - Over at Spencer's.
I mean, he bought all those copies, and you are my son-in-law.
I just I just wanted to see what you were up to.
Wow! - Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
Oh, you know you know my favorite part? I'd love to hear it.
When the UPS man delivered the books, he called me a "better-put-together Kate Jackson" from "Charlie's Angels.
" [Chuckles] - Baby steps.
- Yeah.