American Housewife (2016) s03e12 Episode Script


1 Mecca lecca hi mecca hiney ho! Ta-da! Uh, I can see the tissues under your arm.
What are you doing? You're supposed to ignore that, act amazed, and reward me with an ice cream sandwich.
You are not six anymore.
You are going to have to try harder to amaze me.
Just a heads-up, I'm staying for dinner.
These are my food allergies.
[Sighs] Oh, come on.
- Should I get these boots, Mom? - Sure.
I assume they're a gift for a new friend who's also a hooker.
So you're not gonna get them for me? No way.
Why would you wear open-toed boots? Boots are a cold-weather item.
Next you'll want a down jacket without any sleeves.
You mean a vest? Oh, yeah, bad example.
I've done everything you've asked of me.
I joined the school musical.
I'm taking the PSAT.
Can't you just meet me halfway and reward me for all my hard work? How about I meet you right here - and don't give you jack squat? - [Scoffs] I'm so tired of you shutting me down all the time.
I am your mother.
Shutting you down is in my job description.
Just like you rolling your eyes at me is in your job description.
[Groans] You're very good at your job! [Grunts] Oliver, why don't you stay and help me build Luthor's new doghouse? It'll be a fun father-son project.
We just did a father-son project.
We carried an unbuilt doghouse from the car to the backyard.
- I'll always remember it, Dad.
- Come on.
We'll listen to music, work a couple hours, take a break, make some hummus.
I have to finish reading the new Johnny Diamond book before I go to his motivational seminar this weekend.
Johnny Diamond says, "In order to earn people's trust in business, you need to make a bond with them by any means necessary.
" Johnny Diamond.
That's not a very authentic way to interact with people.
Neither is making hummus.
[Groans] Look at these stupid boots Taylor wants me to buy her.
And why are they open-toed? Boots are a cold-weather item.
That's what I said! It's like socks without the feet.
- You mean leg warmers? - Damn it.
It's really hard to come up with a similar example to those dumb boots.
Taylor was pretty mad when I said no.
We've been fighting a lot lately.
We're just not connecting like we used to.
Same with me and Oliver.
He doesn't want anything to do with me.
I bought a doghouse for us to build together.
What teenage boy wouldn't want to do that? Every teenage boy in the history of teenage boys.
I just feel like as he gets older, we have less and less in common and it's harder to spend any quality time with him.
Then maybe you should do something with Oliver that Oliver is interested in.
I can't do another drive through the neighborhood where I play "Guess That Zestimate.
" How about that Johnny Diamond seminar that he won't shut up about? That guy's such a phony.
It's all recycled self-help nonsense.
I'd rather bond over something real.
Look, if you're the one who wants to bond, then you have to be the mature one and make the sacrifice.
[Groaning] Fine! I'll go to the Johnny Diamond seminar with him.
You know, maybe you should take your own advice and make a sacrifice with Taylor so you two can bond.
What did I say about undermining me in front of the kids? But the kids aren't Anna-Kat! What? Thank you, honey.
Good night.
Who the hell wants toeless boots? Yeah, it makes no sense.
It's like Don't even try.
I was at this for hours last night.
Thought I had one, but I didn't.
Turns out a hat with no top is just a visor.
Are you thinking of caving in on this? I'm worried Taylor has started seeing me as the enemy.
[Giggling] I just love that necklace on you.
Thank you.
I think it will look even better on you.
How did I get so lucky? [Laughs] [Gags] Why can't Taylor and I be like that? You can.
My kids and I are that close.
We hug six times a day.
Ugh! What a load of garbage! Parents and children need boundaries! Otherwise, they won't fear or respect you.
No, I disagree.
I let my kids do whatever they want as long as I'm there to supervise.
And it will be the same when they get older.
If they want to have sex, they can do it at my house while I'm home.
There has to be a middle ground between lifelong bitterness and listening to your kids hump.
You know, I read in Parenting magazine that mothers and daughters go on friend dates now to bond.
It's a fun way to spend time together.
No judgments, and you get to establish a new relationship where you see each other as equals.
Hey! More garbage! You know, Greg said I should do something like mother-daughter date night.
But ideas just sound better coming from someone else.
I don't know, Katie.
You'll be setting a dangerous precedent that could lead to your kids coming back to visit after they've already moved out.
That's exactly what I want.
Yep, that's what you think now.
But imagine yourself 30 years older and your kids are yelling at you in your own home for watching TV because screens are bad for the baby.
I'm watching "Game of Thrones," and so is the baby! They need to learn about violence - and love.
- [Laughs] All right.
Oliver's on board with me going to the Johnny Diamond seminar with him.
Actually, he said, "It might ruin it but maybe it won't.
" - I'm taking that as a win.
- That's great.
And Doris and Angela said I should ask out Taylor on a mother-daughter date and buy her the open-toed boots.
Isn't that exactly what I told you to do? You want me to be the kind of wife that "listens" to her husband? Then we're gonna have to change this whole operation.
I should go read up on Johnny Diamond.
I'll start with his first book, "The Best of Johnny Diamond.
" How can his first book be "The Best of Johnny Diamond"? You think that's strange, his next book is called - "Introducing Johnny Diamond.
" - Huh.
Hey, there.
Taylor, huh? Pretty name.
Do you spell it with a "Y"? - Ta-da! - [Screams] [Laughs] Good trick, huh? That's not a trick.
This is a trick.
[Whispering] Witch.
Why were you talking to yourself? I'm practicing asking Taylor on a friend date.
Ever since my parents' divorce, my mom takes me on friend dates every Saturday.
- It's a lot of Arby's.
- Mm.
Let me help you.
Thanks, but I think I got it.
You can't ask her out in person.
You have to do it over text.
What should I write? - Just be casual.
- Mm.
[Cellphone chimes] KATIE: What's up, girl? TAYLOR: Is this a mistake? [Cellphone whooshes, chimes] Just seeing if you wanna chill.
This feels like a trap.
How about boot shopping and coffee? [Cellphone chimes] [Gasps] Yes! What? [Sighs] You're helping her get closer to your sister? - Not good for you.
- [Chuckles] Why? You think I'm getting pushed out as the favorite kid? Maybe.
I don't think you can get by on just cuteness anymore.
The big teeth are in now.
You're gonna have to find a new way to make your parents like you.
How? You ever want to take a bite out of your ChapStick? Oh, Franklin.
You almost made it through one full conversation.
[Dramatic music plays] Where my Diamond Dogs at?! [Barking, howling] Let's maximize those relationships, D-Dogs.
That's why you're here! [Barking, howling] I want you to turn to the person next to you and talk with them.
And when I say "talk with them," I mean connect with them! [Murmuring] No small talk! I want you to ask them the best thing that happened to them this week.
Get real! [Murmuring] My Diamond Dogs need to gnaw through the lies and taste the truth.
Leashes off! [Howls] [Barking, howling] We don't have to do this if you don't want to.
No, no, no.
We should do the work.
- That's what we're here for.
- Okay.
What was the best thing that happened to you this week? [Exhales deeply] Well, um, there's this girl I like at school that sat with me at lunch.
I didn't have the guts to ask her out, but at least I know she knows I exist.
That's the first time you've mentioned a new girl since you and Gina broke up.
I'm proud of you.
Thanks, Dad.
We usually don't talk about this kind of stuff.
Or any stuff really.
- This is nice.
- [Chuckles] What was the best part of your week? - Is it too cheesy to say right now? - Definitely.
Then I'm gonna go with the apple fritter I had this morning.
Now howl if you had a substantial emotional breakthrough.
[Howling] [Chuckles] Hey.
You want to maximize your relationship with me? - Uh, sure.
- Yeah.
Ask me the best part of my week.
Okay, what was the best part of your week? This.
Right now.
It's too cheesy for your son there, but not for me, man.
[Laughs] Come here.
Bring it in here.
We should hang out or something, huh? Get some tacos later.
[Chuckles nervously] Oh, my God, Mom.
I love them.
They look painful.
Well, sometimes the coolest stuff - isn't the most comfortable.
- That's true.
I might have made some fashion choices when I was your age that weren't based on comfort.
Like? Tight chokers were big in the '90s.
I passed out from time to time, - but Mama looked fine as hell.
- [Laughs] You should try on a pair of these.
Open-toed boots? I don't think so.
I've been nursing my pedicure since Christmas.
Although I did a touch-up with a red Sharpie yesterday.
[Chuckles] I think you can pull them off.
You think? Gotcha.
[Chuckles] So, do you want to grab coffee? Actually, let's grab lunch.
KATIE: Play it cool.
Play it cool.
Never mind.
Darn it.
That was too cool! No, no, no.
Let's grab lunch.
[Barking, howling] All right, Diamond Dogs.
It's time for one last relationship maximizer.
Classic trust fall.
- Come on, Dad.
Let's do it.
- Okay.
Oh, no.
No, no.
For this fall, I want Dad to fall and Sonny Boy to catch him.
[Barks] [Barking] No, we can't do that.
If Johnny says we can do it, we can do it.
- I trust us.
- It's not about trust.
It's about me being way heavier than you.
Did I mention the apple fritters this morning? Full disclosure I have those every morning.
If we can do this, we can do anything! [Exhales sharply] [Sighs] Okay.
- [Laughs] - I got you, Dad! Yes, you do! I'll never doubt you again, Oliver! I don't know where this strength is coming from! It's like when a parent lifts a car off their baby.
It's love, man! [Laughs] [Cheers and howling] Yeah! All right, that's it for this seminar.
But remember, Diamond Dogs, the seminar hasn't actually ended.
It's just begun.
Who wants homework?! [Barking, howling] I want you to go home, find a loved one, and do a project together 'cause this isn't just about your relationship, right? This is about your relationship with your relationship! [Barking, howling] - Dad, I know what we should do.
- Huh? - We should build Luthor's doghouse.
- Yeah! We'll build a Diamond Doghouse together.
Excuse me, Mr.
I was skeptical about coming today, but you've helped my son and me very much.
- Thank you.
- Well, that's what it's all about.
It's not about the $200 tickets or the $50 T-shirts.
It's about this moment.
Me touching your face.
You nervous? - Kind of.
- Smart.
[Whispering] We don't validate parking.
He's amazing, isn't he? His hands are so soft.
Should we buy Diamond Dog lotion? Yeah! So, what's going on? You hitting me up for a kidney? - What? - You bought me shoes you hate, and we're eating at a restaurant where you don't have to fill up your own cup at the soda machine, so something's up.
I just want to spend quality time with you, not just as mother and daughter.
- I want to be friends.
- Okay.
So, like, how do we do that? We can start by talking like girlfriends.
Let's spill some tea.
What's the hot goss at school? I'm not sure what topics are on the table.
I don't want to say too much and then you come down on me.
How about I go first and break the ice and share some high school stories of my own? Can't tell that story.
Really can't tell that story.
I'll get straight-up arrested if I tell that story.
- [Laughs] - Okay.
When I was a junior, I dated two brothers at the same time, but neither of them knew.
- Wh Mom! - But I got busted when one of them saw me making out with the other one when we went off-campus to smoke.
Wow! That is so crazy! I didn't know you smoked.
Just a little.
It was high school.
I tried vaping over the summer.
Oh? You're her friend, not her mom.
You're her friend, not her mom.
This is some good gossip.
So there's a girl in the musical who had to quit because her boyfriend You know, vaping is the same as smoking.
I know.
[Chuckles] Anyway, he made her quit because he was jealous So did you buy your own vape pipe? It's called a vape pen.
And no, I used someone else's.
So anything could have been in there tobacco, pot, rat poison.
You could have died! Wait, I thought we were trying to be friends.
It sounds like you're momming me right now.
That's because I am a mom! Do you know how dumb it is to vape? You just literally told me you smoked in high school! I know, but my mother wasn't involved in my life.
I'm up your ass constantly! [Scoffs] I knew this was a trap.
You tricked me into admitting stuff by saying we were friends! Well, that won't be a problem anymore because we're no longer friends.
I think that's a world record for the shortest friendship.
- A whopping 20 seconds! - Great! You can go celebrate with a big, fat vaping session.
No one says that! Ugh! I'm out of here.
Now you're definitely not getting my kidney! I don't want your kidney.
And even if I did, I don't want it because it's full of vape! That's not how it works! [Zipper unzips] It says attach piece 1 to piece 2.
But the pieces aren't labeled.
This is a waste of time.
Remember what Johnny Diamond says.
When you drift to the negative, SBH Stop, Breathe, Howl.
[Howling] - What the hell are you doing? - We're Diamond Dogs, honey.
We're maximizing our relationship and forging a lifelong bond.
You're both in a cult.
I look forward to your six-part Netflix series.
How was your friend-date with Taylor? [Groans] Terrible.
- I think we broke up.
- You're mother and daughter.
You can't break up.
You just have to figure out the relationship you want to have with her.
I think I know what you guys need to maximize your relationship.
Johnny Diamond has some exercises to help you fulfill your potential.
I don't like this pairing.
Disturbs me.
Come on.
[Camera shutter clicks] Let's go post this on Johnny Diamond's Facebook page.
Hashtag building a hashtag doghouse with my hashtag son for our hashtag other hashtag Diamond Dogs.
- [Cellphone chimes] - Trying to stay positive, Dad, but you're misusing hashtag to an alarming degree.
Oliver, all these people are posting reports that Johnny Diamond got arrested.
- What? - The FBI raided his ranch in Utah.
He had people being held against their will writing his books.
Okay, so he's a busy guy.
He had to outsource a little labor.
And he had children making his merchandise.
You're making a child build a doghouse.
Think on that.
He sold all his followers' identities.
My credit score! This guy sucks so hard.
Oliver, we don't need Johnny Diamond.
We can maximize our relationship by ourselves.
Dad, I can't believe I'm saying this, but Johnny Diamond's a fraud.
Which means our entire bond is built on a lie.
It's over.
[Cellphone chimes] Huh.
My high school bully is dead.
Here's some ideas so your parents can like you again.
- Can you cook? - No.
Can you tell the future? If I could, I would have walked out of the room before you farted 20 seconds ago.
[Sighs] Oh, you can be the funny one of the family.
You need to learn a dirty joke.
Adults love those.
"Good dirty jokes.
" I don't get that.
I don't get that.
Oh, that one has a funny word.
Oh, yeah.
[Chuckles] Okay, I'll learn it and tell it to my parents later.
[Groans] I should not have eaten that ChapStick.
[Trash can opens] Why are you throwing that shirt out? I thought Johnny Diamond was your hero.
He's a fraud.
He got busted for, like, 10 felonies, so all his advice to help me succeed is meaningless.
You know, you are always looking for someone to worship.
Well, look outside.
See that guy? That's the guy that you should worship.
He went out of his way to try to connect with you.
You should do the same.
[Sighs] [Door opens and closes] - Hey.
- It's really unfortunate when I have a great parenting moment, and Greg is not here to give me credit.
[Sighs] So, uh, that was pretty weird today when we went I'm trying to have an awkward moment with you, Taylor.
I'm sorry that I blew up at you, but when you screw up, I have to come down on you.
- It's my job.
- You're very good at your job, Mom.
You're gonna have a lot of friends in your life, but only one mother.
And I refuse to give that role up.
But you're the one who wanted to be friends.
And one day we will be, but right now, I need you to be afraid of me, but know, if you're ever out in the world and find yourself in a bad situation, you can call me and I'll come get you.
- No questions asked? - No.
Like a thousand questions asked.
What's up? Anna-Kat has a joke - she wants to tell us.
- Great.
Okay, so three guys are shipwrecked on an island and are captured by locals.
Their leader says to the first guy, "You must choose: death or ooga-mooga," so the first guy says, "I choose ooga-mooga.
" Then they throw him down [Dramatic music plays] So after seeing what happened to the first two guys, the third guy says, "I choose death," and the leader says, "Okay.
Death by ooga-mooga!" [Laughs] Franklin, do you even get the joke? [Laughing] She said "ooga-mooga.
" Anna-Kat, that was filthy.
What would possess you to tell a joke like that? I was afraid I was losing my position as the favorite in the family, so I thought maybe I could be the funny one.
Honey, you're always going to be the baby, so you always are going to be the favorite.
That's just a fact.
You got me all crazy.
You are super grounded for looking up that joke online.
Go to your room.
Can someone drop me off at Arby's? I have a date with my mom.
[Sighs] Can you set Anna-Kat's parental control so it blocks all the dirty stuff? I'll also block that weird website she likes that shows death row inmates' last meals.
That was a really funny joke.
- [Snickering] - Ooga-mooga.
[Barks] Luthor says, "Great job, boys!" [Chuckles] Oliver, Johnny Diamond might have ended up being a fake, but the fun I had bonding with you wasn't fake at all.
I'm glad your mom forced us to finish it.
Yeah, me, too.
I'm starting to get what you see in her.
- Hmm.
- [Clears throat] You guys need help building anything else? No thanks.
Here you go.
[Scoffs] You don't have to pay me.
We're Diamond Dogs! [Howling] - [Barks] - [Laughs] - [Howling] - [Luthor howls]