American Housewife (2016) s03e13 Episode Script

Mo' Money, Mo' Problems

1 Look who's clearing the table without being asked.
Just trying to keep my mind off my break-up with Gina.
Wow.
Depressed Oliver has just edged out 8-year-old NyQuiled Oliver as my new favorite Oliver.
I know breakups are tough, but you shouldn't stay home all day.
You should go out and have some fun.
You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna push your curfew back an extra hour.
- I could use an extra hour, too.
- No.
Why does Oliver get an extra hour and I don't? Oliver's trustworthy, and you're not.
- What does that mean? - Oliver good, Taylor bad.
I don't know how to make it more clear.
- Hey! - Honey, we love you, but you have other qualities that make you special.
You've seen "The Sixth Sense" three times, and you're always surprised by the ending.
You know why Mom and Dad trust you so much? Because you're always studying.
You're just a goodie-goodie good grades.
[HIGH-PITCHED] "Oh, my gosh, I got an A-minus, wah, Cooper!" Okay, first off, I wouldn't call Cooper until I was done crying.
And I'm not a goodie-goodie.
I can be dangerous.
Hey, Taylor.
Want to play ponies with me? - Can't.
Busy.
- Taylor's blowing me off! Taylor, play with your sister.
All she wants to do is run the boring Kentucky Derby with her plastic ponies.
[AS RACE ANNOUNCER] Off the turn, it's Duffy McSprinkles with Twinkle Toes right behind.
It's a two-horse race.
Duffy, then Twinkle.
Now, it's Twinkle, then Duffy! Twinkle Toes has this all locked up, but wait! Sergeant Hooves has come out of nowhere and is speeding toward the finish line! It's gonna be a photo finish! And! It's Sergeant Hooves by a nose! A 20-to-1 underdog has just won the Kentucky Derby! [NORMAL VOICE] How is that boring? Hey, I'm thinking about buying some new sheets with a three-digit thread count.
Which ones do you like better? I don't think we have the money to buy anything new right now.
We don't, but I do.
I got a performance bonus at work.
I'm a little confused.
The money you make is your money, but the money I make is our money.
You're not confused, Greg.
You nailed it.
The deal was you work while I run the house.
Because those two jobs are equal, any money you make is our money.
Following you so far, but I feel you're about to make a weird turn.
But now, I run the house and have a job on top of that.
That is extra work, so any money that I make is my money.
Makes sense? Sure does.
Yes, but while you're working, I'm the one who picks up the slack.
I make dinners, drive the kids to school, put Anna-Kat to bed, and I still have a job.
Seems to me like we're still equal, and if that's true, any money you make should also be our money.
Time out.
Greg, this is something important in our marriage.
Before we make any decisions, there needs to be a longer, in-depth conversation.
I agree, so I Oh, no, not with you.
I need to go talk to my friends about this.
So the bonus is my money.
BOTH: Uhhhhhh This is the part where you say I'm right and maybe compliment my hair.
Yeah, I'm sorry, Katie, but having separate finances is a bad idea.
Can you at least do the hair part? I wanted my money to be my money, too, but it helped drive a wedge into my marriage.
And now my ex-wife gets all of her money and half of mine.
[SCOFFS] I could've had a beach house.
The trick to having a beach house is not letting anyone know you have one so that no one asks you to stay there.
[CHUCKLES] Doris, do you have a beach house? [LAUGHING] No, I don't have a beach house.
Point is, Katie, whatever money you and Greg make should be shared.
I guess I could pay off some bills.
No! Bills are boring.
Spend it on something fun, like a ski house.
I don't have a ski house.
[LAUGHS] - Oh.
She got a ski house.
- Shut up.
Here are your pizzas.
Enjoy.
Oh, uh, when we arrived, I gave the busboy a wedge of parmesan I imported from Rome to keep refrigerated.
Could you get that for me? I could go get it, but then I will put it someplace you don't want it.
- [BELL OVER DOOR JINGLES] - Oh, my.
- [DOOR CLOSES] - Hey, Cooper.
- Hey, Oliver.
- Brie, Victoria.
Cómo estás, ladies? Muy bien, ¿y tú? Say what now? You guys going to the party at The Hill later? Wasn't planning on it.
That's a shame because we're going, and we were hoping we'd see you there.
Well, in that case, we're there.
Awesome.
See you tonight.
iHasta luego! What in the hell is she saying? Hey, good for you, Oliver.
- Way to get back out there.
- Thanks.
It's been a while since my break-up with Gina, and I think it's time for me to man up and move on.
You're absolutely right.
Girls are like butlers.
You may think you can't live without Chester, but then Chester II comes along and he's just as good.
Your pep talks are never relatable.
Phyllis, Phyllis, Phyllis, please wake up.
Don't be dead like the others.
- [GUNFIRE] - Please wake up.
Ugh, I'm alright.
I'm alright, Obediah.
Come on.
Let's go.
[SWORDS CLASHING, MAN GRUNTING] What is on your phone anyway that is better than ponies? I'm playing this game called Third Day.
You run around with strangers on the Internet, trying to stab goblins in the face.
[SWORDS CLASHING] Can I play, too? [CELLPHONE CHIMES] I guess you can collect weapons and potions for me.
- I'll download it for you.
- [LAUGHS] - [CLEARS THROAT] - See? This way you can ignore me and play with me at the same time.
- Huh? - It's working already! - [SIGHS] - Well, hey, sweetie.
How was your breakfast? Terrible.
Doris and Angela agreed with you.
Wow! I honestly thought this day would never come! The bonus is definitely our money, but since it's ours, I thought we could discuss how to use it.
Okay.
What do you want to do? - Put it in an emergency fund? - No! Let's splurge! Blow it on ourselves! Live life for a change! - Go crazy! - Yes! We can fix all the dents on the minivan.
Maybe do something about that stain on the seat that never dries.
We're not spending the money - on anything practical.
- Okay We could go to that overpriced Westport Hotel and Spa.
[GASPS] That's an amazing idea.
We're not spending money to sleep in a hotel in the town we live in! That's insane! - You just suggested it! - I thought you'd say no, and I'd be the cool and impulsive one for once.
No, Greg, it's perfect.
Fine, but can you go hard against this plan just so I can be the cool one again? Greg, we need to be responsible and save our money and stuff.
Sorry, Katie.
But tonight, we're splurging on ourselves and that's final! - We could put a little in a - If you say "Roth IRA," I'm going to do a murder-suicide, but lose my courage on the suicide part.
Okay.
Thanks.
Alright, we're booked for one night in the Governor's Suite.
The room has free high-speed Wi-Fi.
I'm gonna download so many books onto my Kindle.
Why are you packing an empty bag? For the loot.
I'm taking shampoo, toilet paper, a towel, maybe a pair of wine glasses.
[GASPS] We should bring packing peanuts.
ANNA-KAT: [DISTANTLY] Taylor, stop! TAYLOR: [DISTANTLY] Anna-Kat, calm down! Rock, paper, scissors for who has to deal with this.
Ah-ha! You have to parent! Why do I always throw back-to-back scissors? I have no sister! Someone want to tell me why you two are fighting? Taylor left me to be eaten alive by monsters in a dirty swamp.
Inside a game.
On my phone.
I was surrounded by goblins, and instead of helping, she ran.
And after I was killed, she came back and stole all my weapons and healing potions.
Dad, tell her this isn't a big deal.
Anna-Kat, it's a very big deal, and you have every reason to be mad.
- Ha! - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why?! Sisters should take care of each other.
Your siblings are the longest relationship you'll ever have, and you need to have their backs always.
Whether it's in a video game or real life.
You got that? Mom! Dad's trying to force a teachable moment again! Don't bother your mother.
She's packing.
We're leaving you in charge because we're spending the night at a hotel.
- Ooh.
- No, there will be no Well, there might be.
It's none of your concern.
You can't leave me with her! She'd sell me for a Forever 21 gift card.
No, because Taylor's gonna take this opportunity to prove she is an amazing big sister.
Just to be safe.
Oliver! Yeah, what's going on? We're leaving for the night.
Taylor's in charge, but you're in charge of Taylor.
- Why?! - Because he's safe and sensible.
Hmm.
Win for me.
I'll take "screw-up" over "safe and sensible" any day.
Hey, I'm not sensible.
Last week, I went out for barbecue, didn't even bring a stain stick.
Don't fight it, Oliver.
You come from a long line of Otto men who lived boring lives, but they died in their sleep in their 90s.
Isn't that great? Ha! Your life is gonna suck.
Alright.
It's time.
Tell the chauffeur to pick us up and take us to the party on The Hill.
Damn! Bentley's sick.
He can't drive us.
Why is life so hard? [EXHALES HEAVILY] Or we could drive ourselves.
What are you talking about? We can take my dad's car.
Are you insane? Everyone thinks I'm a goodie-goodie, but I'm not.
I'm the type of dude who's not afraid to take a dip in the pool straight after a meal.
I ain't waiting that hour.
What if Mom and Dad catch us? No, they're spending the night at the wait, did you just call them Mom and Dad? Okay, so maybe they won't catch us, but we're 15.
We don't know how to drive.
My mom drives while drinking coffee and yelling at us for being ungrateful monsters.
I think I can manage.
- This isn't you.
- No, this is the new me.
Listen, if we want to be successful businessmen when we grow up, we're gonna have to take some risks.
Every CEO of every Fortune 500 company took their dad's car out when they were teenagers.
- Is that true? - Don't look it up, but yeah.
This room is amazing, Greg! GREG: Wow! [GASPS] - The floor's not sticky! - [CHUCKLES] And look, the TV remote is not on a leash, - bolted to the table.
- [CHUCKLES] This is the first hotel room we've been in where I haven't gotten the sense that something bad went down.
Greg! A bowl of real lemons - out of season.
- [CHUCKLES] - Come on, Greg.
- Yeah, yeah.
Now who's "safe and sensible"? Dude, this is weird.
Why aren't you in the front with me? Because I've never sat in the front, and I'm never gonna sit in the front.
The Hill, chop chop.
Oh, man.
This feels good.
[STRAINING] So good.
I'm in Heaven.
Greg, what are you doing? Are you holding your breath? Sorry.
My body is not accustomed to relaxation.
You need to let yourself go.
You deserve to enjoy yourself.
Okay.
I'll try.
Oh, yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Just getting regular, legitimate massages in here! [GROANS] We made it.
Well done, man.
You were a natural out there.
I mean, you're scared of making lefts, but three right turns gets you there all the same.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS IN THE DISTANCE] Ooh, there's Brie and Victoria totally checking us out.
- I got a cooler! - What'd you bring, guys? Hey, let's not be too eager.
Just give them a "sup" nod.
How's my hair? Fresh.
- New conditioner? - You know it.
Hey, ladies.
Did you guys drive here yourselves? Oh, yeah.
You have a license? No, ma'am.
I'm not afraid of getting into a little trouble.
[CAR CREAKS] And apparently you're not afraid of leaving the car in neutral.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Come back! [LAUGHS] Who needs an emergency fund? [CHUCKLES] Mom and Dad are gonna kill us.
They're not your mom and dad, and they're not gonna kill you.
They're gonna kill me.
Oh, yeah.
- Should we go mingle? - No! You took your parents' car without permission, and then crashed it? [CHUCKLES] My sister did that, and then she got sent away.
This is so bad.
This is so bad.
There's got to be a way to fix this.
Wait a minute.
You.
You can fix this.
- How? - With that credit card your parents bought that private island with.
Oh, yeah! To be fair, we bought that island with points, but you're right.
Let's throw money at this problemo.
I'll just buy an identical car and swap it out before your parents get home in the morning.
If we set the radio stations to NPR and throw some compression socks in the glove box, that might actually work.
Mmm, hotel macadamia nuts.
I did it.
Gonna need a whole new bucket list.
$12?! Greg, what did we say? No more incredulously shouting the price of things from the minibar.
If you want something, just have it.
Screw it.
What's that thing that Taylor always says? - "Yol-Toe"? - Uh-huh.
It's definitely Yol-Toe.
Yol-Toe! [SNICKERS] Greg, what is on your neck? What? Oh, no.
It's hives.
It's a reaction to the macadamia nuts.
This is what happens when you spend recklessly.
Oh, I'm so itchy.
We have to go home and get my prescription antihistamine.
Greg, you're fine.
It's not like your throat is closing up.
Oh, my God! That can happen?! How do I keep it open? I have to keep using my voice.
Ahh, ahh! Ahh! [SIGHS] Ahh! Mom and Dad called.
Dad had an allergy attack, so they're coming home.
It's time to go to bed.
Mom tells me a story first.
Um, okay.
Ed Norton and Brad Pitt start a fight club for some reason, and, in the end, they're the same dude.
Good night.
You know why I got so mad at you when you betrayed me in that video game? Because you spent years watching "Real Housewives" with Mom and have been programmed to believe that's how a woman reacts to the smallest of problems? No.
Because Dad's right about you.
You don't have anyone's back but your own.
You really think that about me? [VEHICLE APPROACHING] Ugh, that must be Mom and Dad.
Oh, my God! ANNA-KAT: What happened to Dad's car? And why is Oliver driving? What did you guys do?! I took Dad's car out, and I crashed it.
What?! This isn't you! I know I screwed up, but don't worry.
Cooper's gonna buy a new car and have it here in the morning before Mom and Dad get back.
Dad had an allergy attack.
Mom and Dad are on their way home right now! What? No.
Oh, my God.
I'm so busted.
Not necessarily.
I have an idea.
Is everyone's passport current? What the hell? [GRUNTS, SIGHS] It's the bumper and the trunk.
- This is gonna cost a fortune to fix.
- Ugh.
I don't know whether my throat is closing up because I'm having an allergy attack or because I'm having a panic attack over how much money we spent on - M&Ms in a glass jar.
- [DOOR OPENS] Oh, you guys are home.
Hey, Dad.
How are Oh, my God.
What happened to the car? That branch must have fallen when that big wind kicked up.
Makes perfect sense to me.
[SIGHS] I knew this was gonna happen.
I should've had that tree trimmed a while ago.
You're just lucky no one got hurt, Dad.
Now that this mystery is all wrapped up, let's go inside.
I'll put on some cocoa.
But the thing is how did a pine branch fall from a maple tree? - Grafting? - Yup.
You guys have two seconds to tell us the truth.
- One - Well - Two - Okay.
I was the one who took out the car.
- That's a big surprise! - You crashed the car, and then you tried to get your brother to cover for you.
That's a new low, Taylor.
What were you thinking? You know what? It doesn't even matter.
I'm gonna deal with you in the morning.
I have to go inside and draw your dad a Cream of Wheat bath.
Why not an oatmeal bath? I'm not wasting the good hot cereal on you, bro! Everyone, in the house! I don't know how this is gonna end up, but I wanted to say I've had a great life with you.
You're not dying, you're just a little bumpy.
I'm sorry I made us spend all the bonus money.
We should have put it in an emergency fund like you said, so we could pay for the car.
I don't agree.
- You don't? - No.
If this near-death experience has taught me anything, it's that, while you have to plan for the future, you also have to live for today.
Yol-Toe, right? [LAUGHS] Yeah.
"Yol-Toe.
" I had a great time tonight, up until the anaphylactic reaction and the wrecked car.
Me too.
Plus I think that we got our money's worth.
Why'd you take a furry pillow? - New dog bed.
- Oh.
Why'd you do that for me? We're supposed to have each other's backs.
Since when? Usually we just point and laugh at the person who gets in trouble.
Since now.
Like it or not, the longest relationship we're gonna have is with each other.
I honestly don't know what to say.
If there's anything I can do for you, just ask.
Switch rooms with me.
Your closet is bigger than mine.
[SCOFFS] No.
But don't let that ruin the moment.
This was good stuff.
Taylor, front and center.
GREG: Your mother and I slept on it, and as punishment for wrecking my car, you're gonna get a job to pay us back for the repairs.
When am I supposed to work?! I have rehearsal for the new school musical like every night.
Well, you're going to have to quit the musical, then.
We gave you an opportunity to be responsible, - and you blew it.
- Mm-hmm.
Every weekend, you're here in your room.
But Okay.
It was me.
I was the one who crashed the car.
What? And me! Don't hate me, Mom and Dad.
Taylor was just covering for me.
Is that true? You did that for him? Yeah, of course.
He's my brother.
[SIGHS] I'm proud of you.
Are you crazy?! What were you thinking?! You're not even allowed to drive! Cooper and I snuck out to meet some girls at a party.
We forgot to put the car in park, it rolled down a hill, and it crashed into a tree.
I don't even know what to say.
- That's never happened before.
- I'm sorry.
It's just you guys always call me the sensible kid and So you're mad because we think highly of you? I wanted to do something reckless, and it turned out a little more reckless than I wanted.
He was actually a very safe driver.
Ten and two the whole way.
Wasn't too chatty.
Would've been nice if there was a chilled evian in the back.
Let's go from the top.
You and Cooper sneak out Grounded for a month! drive my car - No phones for six months! - without a license Most kids take their driver's test at 16.
Not you.
You're gonna be the weird spandex bike guy until you're 21.
And I'm buying you the shorts.
And you're wearing the shorts! I think the biggest issue here is the damage to the car, - and for that, I'd like to pay - No.
To pay us back for the repairs, you're getting a job.
A minimum-wage job.
I want you to pay us back nice and slow.
We also lied to your face.
No punishment for that? What are you doing, man? And that's the last of my bonus.
Hey, new guy.
Treat these people well.
Give 'em a salad on the house.
A side salad.
Small.
To split.
Thank you, waiter.
Would you like croutons on that? W-W-Who gave you the authority to toss in croutons? Busboy.
Why are you working here again? It's my punishment.
But we're not your parents.
Guys.
Anna-Kat, there's an orc on your six.
I'm more worried about that creepy sorcerer following us.
Oh, God.
You're right.
He's just standing there watching us.
Who is that? GREG: 'Tis I.
Gregor Otto, the Elvish necromancer.
Have you been following us inside the game? Just wanted to make sure you two were working together.
I'll go in with my melee weapon - while you cast "Enduring Pain.
" - On it.
[WARBLE, ELF GRUNTS] I've never been more proud to be disemboweled.