American Housewife (2016) s03e14 Episode Script

Baby Crazy

1 Here you go.
Your favorite PJs are ready - for your first sleepover! - What? I told you I never want to go on a sleepover.
Which is why I'm telling you at the last second! I didn't want to hear you complain all week.
What if they make me sleep next to an outlet and I roll over and my pinky goes in and I get electrocuted? Then you're crying, "Why? Why did I make my baby go?" You are going.
You are too old to keep dodging sleepovers.
- "She was so little!" - [Door opens] - Still reading exams? - Yep, I have to get through these 50 essays this weekend.
It's exciting to see how students do under pressure.
Some struggle, but others soar! That's probably because you're such a great teacher, mentor and father.
Whatever it is, I agree with Mom.
Please, Daddy! Mama wants me to go to a sleepover! Anna-Kat, that's not true.
I am forcing you to go to a sleepover.
You know Oliver only cares about himself, so if you alienate me, all you'll be left with is Taylor to take care of you.
Not smart, Mama.
[Door opens] Hi! - [Door closes] - Ugh, trade.
[Violet cooing] Ah, ooh.
Hey, Violet.
What happened to your hair? I can't afford to be blonde anymore.
Pretty soon I'll be buying second-hand clothes from garage sales like this.
- Ugh.
- I'll have you know I won this at Dave & Buster's.
700 tickets.
You know, I love Violet so much, but being a mom is so hard.
Why didn't anyone warn me? You can hear me screaming at my kids from your house ten times a day.
Isn't that warning enough? Can I help you find something? You know it's just me over there in that giant house all by myself.
I can't afford a nanny, Pilates is too expensive so now I'm breastfeeding to lose weight.
I ballooned up to a size four.
[Groans] Katie, your screaming pillow.
Excuse me.
[Muffled scream] See, you have Greg to help you with everything, especially the kids.
[Baby talk] Who's got the sweetest nosey on your face-face? - You do! - And on the plus side, his baby talk doubles as birth control.
[Rustling] Viv, I know you're a little broke, but you can't steal groceries from my house.
[Chuckles] Hilarious, I love it! [Groans] I don't know, Katie.
I just feel like I can't do this alone anymore.
Do you guys think that you could watch Violet for me tonight? We'd love to! Why are we watching the baby tonight? I am headed to Mario's down by the train station where all the divorced investment bankers go after work.
I think I can snag one if I get there before all the tramps take the good seats.
- What are the good seats? - Ooh.
The barstools at the end.
That way I can do this [Laughs loudly] without hitting anybody.
Are those my earrings? These are so nice! - Can I borrow them? - No.
I wore them to a business dinner but saved the receipt.
- I'm returning them.
- No wonder I like them more than the rest of your trash Treasures! Off now.
They're expensive and if I don't return them by tomorrow then I will be stuck with a store credit that expires the day before I find it in a drawer with the extension cords.
[Cellphone chimes] Ugh, news again.
That's it.
I'm deleting this app.
[Cellphone dings] No.
No no no no no no! Bad dog! Luthor, sit! Now Luthor, reverse swallow.
Reverse swallow! Okay, practice run.
When the mom says to go to sleep, you take your sleeping bag and put it next to the bathroom just in case you want to wash your hands a few times.
Yeah, Mama, if you want me to get covered in sewer water when a pipe bursts.
- That is not gonna - Mama, I dunno.
This is all happening so fast, Mama.
You don't have to keep saying "Mama.
" I know who you're talking to.
If you have any problems, call us.
No matter how late.
Even if you just want to talk.
A word, Greg? [Sighs] As the years go on, coming into this room alone with you has become more scary than sexy.
Why are you coddling her? She needs a push right now, not a hug.
She's nervous.
She's our baby She is turning 10! And this is our opportunity to help her grow up a little.
I need this.
I am getting "Mama" 'd to death in there.
What's your hurry to make her grow up? - She's our last one.
- Exactly.
We're on the verge of getting our lives back.
Not if we take action.
Let's have another baby.
Can you get my screaming pillow? I'm sad our kids are getting big.
I miss reading them books, they reach for your hand, I miss the way they mispronounce words.
Taylor still does it, but it's not cute.
- It's more worrisome.
- Mm-hmm.
Playing with Viv's baby today made me want to start all over again.
Well then I wish you and your second wife the very best.
[Knock on door] I can't go to the sleepover, Mama.
I think I'm getting my period.
- No, you're not.
- I'm telling you.
I can feel my uterine wall loosening.
Stop Googling stuff and go pack your bag! [Sighs] [Piano music playing] Can I ask you a favor? - I need - Not my problem.
This is serious.
Then it's seriously not my problem.
[Chuckles] That's good stuff.
I turned around and Luthor ate Mom's expensive earrings.
[Chuckles] You're in so much trouble.
I read online it can take a dog a month to pass something like this.
But I need them by tomorrow.
- What do I do? - Oh, I know.
Leave me out of it.
I am on fire.
You're always calling me the dumb one.
So I'm dumb.
Help me! All right, all right, I'll help you.
Don't forget to wear gloves.
Three for three! Viv, did you steal my car keys so I'd come over? No.
- [Keys jingle] - Yes.
- [Groans] - But, hey, would you just stay and talk to me for, like, ten minutes about anything adult? Look, just pick a topic.
[Gasps] Is this my magazine? Did you take this from my bathroom? I left my phone in the bedroom and had to read the shampoo bottle like an animal! - Hi, Viv.
- Alan?! How the hell did you get in here? I opened the door with the light of my soul.
And my key I still have my key, and it works.
This isn't your home anymore, Alan.
You and Viv are divorced.
She kicked you out a year ago.
I know, and I deserved that.
And in that time, I've been in an ashram in India.
I've been meditating.
I've been finding myself, reading other people's auras.
Yours, by the way, is very cloudy.
That's not good.
You might want to have that looked at.
What do you want, Alan? Listen, Viv, I wasn't the greatest husband.
But I want us to have a fresh start.
And I realize you are the most important thing, and if you take me back this time, I will give you everything you deserve champagne, travel I will teach you to levitate.
Did you see that? It's very subtle.
I really would like to believe that you've changed.
Let me show you that I've changed.
If you take me back, I'll make sure your energy is pure - and your sandals are Prada.
- [Gasps] Nice try, Alan, but Viv doesn't need you anymore.
She is a strong, independent woman - Um, actually - No, Viv.
- Um, actually, again.
- Viv! - Katie.
- You do not need a man to make you happy.
Viv, it's just us this time you and me.
A-All my children are in prep school, so there'll be no kids to come between us.
[Violet crying] Whose baby is that? - [Loudly] Katie's! - [Gasps] Congratulations, Katie.
" That's a really neat phrase I learned.
It means "amazeballs.
" Everything's gonna be just like it was only better.
- Oh.
- I'm getting so healthy right now, - I'm practically peeing essential oils.
- Oh.
- And you will, too.
- I can't wait.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go fill our toilet with eucalyptus and ylang-ylang.
- [Door opens] - My baby? I don't know.
It was all I could think of.
- [Violet cooing] - She's your baby, Viv! Of course she is! I'm just Giving up your baby for a shot with your terrible ex-husband? No, not giving her up, just buying time to see if Alan and I can work it out.
He's going to have to know about her.
She is not a banjo you can store in my basement.
Did I used to own a banjo? No, it could be anything.
It's a figure of speech! - Well I don't understand it.
- Viv! Katie, please, just watch Violet for the night.
Then Alan and I will be back together, and I promise I will come clean.
By then he'll be so in love with me he'll have to be in love with her.
- This is a bad idea.
- Please? Being a single mom is so hard.
And I want my blond hair back.
Brunettes lead sad, miserable lives.
You of all people should understand that.
Why'd you want my old Oh, hell no! You had another one?! Do they just drop out of you without warning? It is Viv's baby.
I did not have time to grab a stroller from her.
- [Violet coos] - Why would you want to babysit Viv's baby? Alan is back so I'm stuck taking care of little Viv here until she can get up the guts to tell Alan she had a baby.
Since when do you do such nice things for people? I don't know.
I'm losing what makes me special.
The worst part is having this little angel at our house is making Greg baby crazy.
And I do not want another baby.
Sometimes the best cure for wanting a baby is spending time with a baby.
Yeah, it's true.
Make Greg watch the baby all night.
- See how he likes it then.
- Mm-hmm.
I always say, if you want to talk someone out of marriage, just hang out with my ex-wife.
What does that have to do with the baby? I don't know, I just feel like we don't talk about me enough.
[Chuckles] [Thudding] Ready for your sleepover? It was nice knowing you, boy.
You with your shorter life span, and here I am going first.
You will be home tomorrow morning.
Get in the car.
[Door closes] [Violet cooing] Here you go, Professor.
Katie, I'm working.
Not anymore.
Oh, is having a baby sometimes inconvenient? Good thing she's not a toddler, because toddlers do stuff like this.
[Violet cries] [Cellphone clicking] You know how you said the dog eating Mom's earrings wasn't your problem? Yeah, that was great.
And remember those gold cufflinks that you got from Spencer? [Chuckles] You mean the ones that he stole off Malcolm Forbes' corpse at his funeral? [Chuckles] Right, those.
Well, now we have the same problem because Luthor ate them.
How'd Luthor get them?! Well, they somehow fell into a treat.
That I fed him.
And then I laughed.
Now grab some gloves and join the party.
[Chuckles] - Hey.
- Hey.
I am back from dropping Anna-Kat off.
Where is Violet? She's napping in my office like an angel.
- Is she? - Yeah.
[Coins clang] Why are you putting loose change in the blender? You need to sharpen the blades every six months.
You are not staying on top of it.
I don't think tha [Blender whirring, coins clanging] You'll wake the baby! Oh, is she sleeping?! I forgot she was even here! We were just talking about her! [Whirring, clanging continue] [Blender shuts off] Why isn't she crying? She's so calm.
I forgot how good babies can be.
Such a good baby! KATIE: Let's see how good you are when I do this.
[Pacifier pops] [Giggles] [Coos] I better clean this pacifier.
Newborns are the best.
[Dramatic music plays] You've made a powerful enemy, baby.
[Cellphone rings] [Cellphone clicks] Anna-Kat, are you okay? You were so right.
- The sleepover is fun.
- See? But we're having a stuffed animal tea party and I didn't bring one.
I'm going to be stuck using an oven mitt like an idiot.
Okay, calm down.
I'll be right there.
Bring my stuffed turtle.
The one with the friendly eyes.
Not the one who looks like he has a terrible secret.
How am I supposed to figure that out? You'll know.
What do you know, turtle? - [Indistinct talking] - Mama! - Here's your turtle.
- Forget the turtle.
Let's get out of here.
Wait, what about the tea party? There was never any tea party.
Let me get my things, and I'll explain in the car.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're not getting your things.
Good thinking.
Leave 'em here.
- Collateral damage.
- No.
Just because something is hard does not mean you run away from it.
This is an opportunity for you to make friends with some nice girls.
I am not taking you home.
WOMAN: Kids, it's time to decorate your own cupcake! [Sighs] I'm in hell.
KATIE: Viv? What are you doing here? Other than breastfeeding and making Greg uncomfortable.
I couldn't figure out a way of getting past her without looking.
Before I go out with Alan for the night, I had to feed my sweet, beautiful Violet.
This is always the best part of my day.
I remember when I had best parts of my day.
All right, Viv.
- [Door closes] - The car's out Why are you breastfeeding Katie's baby? - Uh - When you left Viv, she became so poor that I had to hire her as my wet nurse.
That's right.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Um, Katie is just one of my many clients that I wet for.
I-I'm not an idiot, okay? Okay, Alan Violet's my baby.
Since we've been divorced, you had a baby? Alan, what you have to understand [Bleep] I looked.
And the father was a pig whisperer, he caught me at a very vulnerable time.
But then he left town and I never heard from him again.
Well, the "old me" would've dumped you immediately.
But Swami Gary's taught me to think before I act.
He calls it "thacting.
" What other vocab did Swami Gary teach you? Douching, by chance? As in, the act of being a douche? Here's my offer we're gonna Westport the whole situation.
We're gonna hire an entire staff of nannies.
They're gonna care for her.
They're gonna feed her.
They're gonna take her to tennis lessons, okay? When she's old enough, we're gonna get her into a Swiss boarding school.
And then you and I will live our lives our big, awesome, amazing lives, and you are gonna want for nothing.
Um - I - Viv? I'll be in the car, okay? Amazeballs.
Means "namaste," essentially.
Okay, before you say anything, - maybe it is a good plan.
- [Door opens, closes] Maybe Violet will be better off.
- Viv - And you'll be better off! I won't be here all the time bothering you, taking your stuff, showering at your place when you guys are gone.
It took you so long to leave on Thursday.
- Oh.
- Greg? A word? I called the vet, and they said pumpkin will make him go immediately, so I fed him a can and a half.
- Smart.
- [Luthor sniffing] Come on, boy! Give us some earrings! And cufflinks don't forget the cufflinks.
Whoa, whoa.
He needs his space.
Ooh, I think he's ready to go.
How can you tell? It looks like he's trying to solve a really hard math problem.
[Gasps] Good boy, good boy! [Gasps] Mom's earrings! [Sighs] Where are my cufflinks? Come on, boy.
What else you got in there? A thimble? A race car? Well, looks like he got into Monopoly.
Come on, boy.
Where are my cufflinks? Luthor never ate your cufflinks.
He didn't? Then where are they? I couldn't feed cufflinks to our dog.
I'm not a monster.
I just needed you to help me.
[Cufflinks jingle] Really? You played me? All new respect.
For the "dumb one," that was a pretty smart move.
I think you mean for the "dumb whom," that was a pretty smart move.
Here's the problem Evil Katie almost has Viv out of her hair.
She wants fewer people depending on her so she can have more of a life.
And sending Viv off with Alan would do that in spades.
But Good Katie knows That Viv and her baby belong together.
But Evil Katie is tired of using Russian dressing to cover her blemishes because Viv stole her concealer.
But we're human beings, and And we need to do the right thing.
I blame you for making me a better person.
It's very unpleasant.
Viv, I know that you have told me that you are not mom material, but you are wrong.
- I am? - Yes.
Violet is amazing.
- I tried to make her cry repeatedly today - Wait, why would you - It's not important, Viv.
- [Horn honks] - It's Alan.
- [Sighs] You have got the best baby ever.
And there is only one reason for it.
Because she has got the best mom ever.
You really think I'm a good mom? I know you are.
Ugh! That is such a relief because I stole your "best mom ever" mug, and I felt really bad about it.
But now I feel like I earned it.
You know what? I don't need a man to make me happy.
Because you make me happy.
[Coos] Yes, you do.
Violet, it'll be the two of us against the world.
It'll be the two of you plus the Otto family against the world.
I don't need a man.
- [Chuckles] Because you're my man.
- [Grunts] Oh, gosh, you're my big, strong, burly man.
[Smooches] I could kill Good Katie.
Look who I have here.
Oh my God, Greg, she's alive! She made it through the sleepover and nothing bad happened! All right, I get it.
You were right, it was good.
We made S'mores and had a marshmallow fight.
I'm glad I stayed.
Yeah? I am proud of you.
[Chuckles] Thanks, Mom.
"Mom"? Yeah, "Mom.
" None of the kids say "Mama.
" That's for babies.
[Sighs] No more "Mama.
" I'm not "Mama" anymore.
I'm now "Mom.
" [Groans] "Mom.
" It's the end of an era.
She was so little.
So fourth baby? Nah.
I'm just gonna teach Luthor to call me "Mama.
" I saw a husky do it on the Internet.
I am telling you it is more fun to steal from restaurants than your friends.
One two three now! [Thud] You're right.
And it's always stocked.
I mean, I could never get real maple syrup at your place, I mean, 'cause you're always like, "glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.
" [Quietly] When the manager turns away, grab the ketchup.
[Whispering] Oh, no, no, no.
I've already stolen like three ketchups from you.
But they have those tiny hot sauces, and I love those.
- Okay, on three.
- Okay.
One Two - [Gasps] - Dibs! - Oh.
- It's taco night tonight.
I'll make it up to you.
Next stop Starbucks.
When you ask them for almond milk, they hand you a whole carton.
- So fun! - Yeah.