American Housewife (2016) s03e15 Episode Script

American Idol

1 KATIE: The best part of being a party planner is taking stuff home leftovers, free flowers And when would we ever splurge on a mini balloon archway? - [Door opens] - Hmm.
Look at this, Trip got my reviews on "Little Shop of Horrors" framed for me! The school newspaper says it was "a triumph"! And the Westport Gazette says it was "maybe worth seeing".
That's great! We're so proud of you.
This just confirms exactly what I've been thinking I'm not gonna go to college so I can concentrate on becoming a singer! For the thousandth time, you are going to college.
Or hear me out I can take my college fund and go to L.
A.
and become a singer! If anybody's taking your college fund and blowing it on a trip, it's gonna be me.
I'm not stupid.
I have a plan.
I'm gonna go on "American Idol", sing my heart out, leave with a golden ticket, boom! Pop star.
Then I meet a charming man on a flight from Paris.
Second boom He's the King of Sweden.
I'm a Queen.
That's not how it works, and you still have to go to college.
Well, Katy Perry didn't go to college.
In fact, she dropped out of high school to pursue music.
You can have an amazing voice and still never make it! That's why it's important for you to have an education - to fall back on.
- You're my parents.
Aren't you supposed to tell me that dreams are worth fighting for and that I should believe in myself? - Nah.
- Unh-unh.
Dreamcrushers! [Pop] Sure, we're making our kid miserable, but we're doing it together.
- Hi, what's your name? - Taylor Otto.
And where are you from? I'm from Westport, Connecticut.
And how young are you? - Um, I'm 17.
- 17? - Ah, 17.
- TAYLOR: Yep.
What are you gonna sing for us? "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus.
All right, go for it.
I can almost see it That dream I'm dreaming, but There's a voice inside my head say Okay.
Thank you.
That's enough.
Mom?! Dad?! Where are the judges?! We are the judges.
Let me just tell you something.
That, um[scoffs] I was not feeling that.
No, it made my ears sad.
Yeah, you should just go to college.
Following your dreams is overrated.
- I agree with that 100%.
- Mm-hmm.
I wish Lionel, Katy, and Luke were my parents! Well, they're not.
[Gasps] Dreamcrushers! [Grunts] Hey, Kate-orade.
This is why people keep reporting you to HR, Kevin.
Right.
Right.
- Anyway - Mm-hmm.
Whitney wants to see you.
She is in your office.
Ah, it's probably just another Westport housewife wanting to throw another party with another fountain.
I want a pink chocolate fountain A what? A Pouilly-Fuissé fountain.
What's that now? A bone broth fountain.
Whaaat? A La Mer face serum fountain.
Katie, maybe you could try some! Hide those frown lines.
WHITNEY: Katie! I'm on medical leave again You think the camera can't see you there, Kevin? Oh, hey, how's it going? Did you get my Edible Arrangement? - Shut up, Kevin.
- On it.
Katie, I need you to take over an event for me.
It's the Westport Businesswomen's Awards.
Oh! I'm so excited I get to do something honoring my fellow working women.
You can count on me, Whitney! - Great.
- [Monitor beeping] Now, if you'll excuse me, they're injecting the anesthesia.
Are you calling me from the operating table? 10, 9, 8 [slurring] 7 And now Taylor thinks that she can skip college and become a pop star and "follow her dreams".
This whole dream thing is BS.
I'm not raising wussies like everyone else in this town.
Sure, I get them music lessons but not so they can become musicians.
I do it so they learn discipline, focus, and hard work.
My mom did the same for me, and I turned out great.
- Uh - ANGELA: Okay, look.
If you try and shut Taylor down, she might run off and pursue her dream anyway.
My cousin wanted to be a dancer, so she ran away from home, and now she's a Rockette.
Well, that's a pretty big deal.
No.
She's a Rock-ette.
That's what they call strippers in Little Rock.
[Groans] So telling her "no" might backfire on me? It's not enough to injure a dream.
You have to kill it slowly but completely.
Like my kids did with those hermit crabs they smuggled in from Mexico.
How am I supposed to do that? I'll just loan you Ms.
Belt, my kids' music teacher.
She sucks all the joy out of music.
She's a real throwback to the Golden Age of truly abusive educators.
Oh.
You're not gonna believe this.
Abe Henderson died.
Who's Abe Henderson? He was in charge of keeping supply lines open for our regiment.
He ordered our lunches.
The Historical Guild is losing people left and right.
We need new, young members.
So, I had this brainstorm.
I made these scrolls, and I'm gonna put them up all over town Yeah, kids will totally go for that.
Scrolls are so in right now.
It's not so crazy people would like scrolls.
It's the most fun kind of paper.
Dad, if you really want to get through to young people, you should make a video and post it on social media.
Right.
The key is to make something that goes viral, so it has to be memorable.
Flashy, but never desperate.
Funny without trying too hard.
Quirky, but not lame.
Got it.
Can we revisit the scrolls? I made 50 of them.
Taylor, I have been thinking about our conversation yesterday.
If you want to be a singer, you gotta work at it, so I got you a couple of music lessons with the person who teaches Doris' kids.
That is so awesome.
Thank you, Mom! - What was that? - Oh, I was writing a song about what a terrible mom you are.
But now I'm gonna throw it out.
[Chuckles] You might want to keep it.
It's just Monday.
So this is the music space I built for my kids.
Wow, Doris.
You are such a supportive mom.
- [Laughing] Yeah, sure! Whatever.
- [Door opens] - Hi.
- [Dramatic chord plays] You don't use your voice unless you're singing.
[Whispering] Get out while you can.
I didn't even know there was a Businesswomen's Association in Westport! I can't wait to meet them and talk shop and [Rock music plays] [Gasps] [Groans] [Gasps] I must be in the wrong place.
I'm looking for businesswomen.
We are the businesswomen.
ALL: Mm-hmm.
No, you're not.
Buying things from businesses doesn't make you businesswomen.
If you recall, I made all that peppermint bark last year.
And I got all caught up in that Ponzi scheme, remember? - Mm-hmm.
- And I just thought of the name of the jewelry business that I might start.
- "Glamville" by Nancy Granville.
- [All gasp] - I know! It's so good.
- [Applause] Katie, I'm just gonna do this.
This is still a party celebrating working women, so I was thinking we could do a seminar with successful Mom-preneurs, and Oh, Katie, it's really not that kind of a thing.
This is the kind of party where we drink champagne and honor each other for important work we do in Westport.
Mm.
For example Last year, I received a lifetime achievement award.
- For what? - For all of my achievements.
Don't worry about us.
You just need to figure out a fountain that has never been done before.
Sure.
I will get right on that.
KATIE: I'm not sure what kind of fountain I'm doing yet but there's definitely going to be pee in it.
Today you will sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat".
You will start when I say "start".
- Good.
- [Dramatic chord plays] Start now.
- Row - Off pitch.
Again.
- Row - No.
Again.
Row Until I hear perfect "rows," no boat for you.
Now, row! Again.
- Row - No! Again! - Row - No! [Plays pitch pipe] Row [Clatters] [Quitely] I've been playing the same note for six months.
- [Bell ringing] - GREG: [As Paul Revere] The Fun is coming, The Fun is coming to the Westport Historical Guild.
So saddle up your steed and take a ride through history.
What does membership entail? Fear not, for I shall explain it all to you, in just 90 short minutes.
90 minutes?! I know.
Don't worry.
It's only Part One.
[Laptop creaking] We'll just do the video for you.
But I thought mine was good.
This lack of self-awareness is part of the problem, Greg.
They approved my idea for a kombucha fountain.
I'm surprised you know what that is.
I didn't.
I Googled "What do idiots love to drink?" Kombucha was the first thing that came up.
[Door opens, closes] How was the lesson? The worst.
I'll never make it as a professional singer.
I can't even sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat".
Guess I'll have to figure out something else to spend my college fund on.
College! You're going to spend it on college! [Balloons squeaking] [Squeaks] Wow, that Ms.
Belt really delivered.
Maybe I can send you to Ms.
Belt to break your love of whistling while you trim your nose hairs.
- [Whistling] - [Razor buzzing] It's not a chore if you're cheerful! - [Whistles] - [Groans] [Frame thuds] You're not gonna hang those up? What's the point? I really thought singing was gonna be my career.
It's something I'm good at.
At least, I thought I was.
That teacher didn't believe in me.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
You always say if you have your dream job, then it's not work.
Dad has his dream job, you have yours Yeah.
I thought I found mine.
Oh, honey there are plenty of things that you are good at.
Like what? Oh, honey ["The Climb" plays] I can almost see it That dream I'm dreaming, but There's a voice inside my head saying "You'll never reach it" Every step I'm taking Every move I make feels lost, with no direction My faith is shaken But I I gotta keep trying Gotta keep my head held high 'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain I'm always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be an uphill battle But sometimes I'm gonna have to lose Ain't about how fast I get there Ain't about what's waiting on the other siiide Wow.
It's the climb - [Chuckles] - KATY & LIONEL: Wow.
- Thanks! - KATY: That note.
- That last note.
Come on.
- Thank you.
- I appreciate it.
- Uh, Luke, what do you think? We knew the big note was coming.
I didn't know "Can she get there?" - and you got there.
- [Laughs] Thank you.
- Good job.
- I always like those surprises, but you're a natural at this.
- You know that.
Very good.
- Yeah.
Uh, Taylor, when I was 17, I had the same type of dream.
I was gonna do it.
I was gonna go for it.
I needed someone to believe in me, - and I really believe in you.
- Thank you.
- So should we give our vote? - Let's do it.
- Okay.
Go ahead.
- I'm ready.
I'm a yes.
- Yes? - Yes.
I'm a yes.
And I'm ready.
I'm a yes! - You're going to Hollywood, Taylor! - You're going to Hollywood! Come on! - Thank you so much! - Congratulations.
All right.
That'll be something you can take home to your mom and dad.
For sure.
Will do.
- Yeah.
- Enjoy the ride.
- Have a great night.
Yeah.
- Take care.
Very good.
[Singsong voice] Oh, my gosh.
Hey! Congratulations! Thank you so much! I can't believe it.
How does it feel to be holding the golden ticket? It feels like a dream.
Oh, no It was a dream, Luthor, but I'm gonna get there for real.
Damn right you are! Can you talk?! [Panting] [Sighs, chuckles] - [Applause] - And the award for "Best idea For A Business If eBay Wasn't Already A Thing" goes to Nancy Granville! - [Cheers and applause] - [Groans] Uch! Kombucha.
[Groans] - [Laptop key clicks] - [Barks] - Wh-Where's the rest of it? - That's it.
Well, how will people know when the meetings are or where to sign up for the Westport Historical Guild? - That was the whole point of this.
- They will look it up.
Trust me.
Here's what people care about on the Internet parkour fails and dogs dressed as people.
Well, I really don't get it, but if you guys believe in it, I guess I trust you.
Millard Fillmore dressed up his Beagle in a tuxedo, so, you know, there's historical precedent.
Dad, you are the Snapple cap of people.
She's going to be here any minute.
- Stop smiling! - I can't.
I had a dream last night that I auditioned for "American Idol" and Katy Perry said she believed in me! I can do this! I can feel her vibration.
She's coming! Ms.
Belt is coming! [Door opens] You came back.
And you're smiling.
Well, we'll take care of that.
Begin with "Row".
- Row - No! Again! Row, row How dare you do a second "row"? Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream - Stop that right now! - Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life is but a dream - Row, row, row your boat - What are you doing? What are you three doing? - Gently down the stream - Put them down.
Put those - Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily - instruments down! - Life is but a dream - [Instruments accompany] - Excuse me! - Ooh, ohh Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life is but a dream Life is but a dream [Music stops] That was pretty good.
[Switch clicks] [Knocks on window] You! What the hell have you done? You and your "joy" have ruined everything! Your father said I was crazy when I wanted to build this soundproof room with a two-way mirror to keep an eye on things.
Well who's crazy now?! Aah! Fired! And the award for "Best Acceptance Speech from Last Year" goes to [Gasps] Oh, my gosh! It's me! [Laughs] [Indistinct murmuring, applause] Oh, thank you.
- [Cellphone ringing] - [Chuckles] Hopefully this is like that movie where someone calls you, and if you answer, you die.
[Cellphone beeps, ringing stops] Damn! Hi, Doris.
Ms.
Belt was supposed to make singing so hard it broke Taylor, but instead, Taylor broke Ms.
Belt with her passion and her dreams! Well, it's not a chore if you're cheerful.
Am I quoting Greg's nose-hair trimming mantra? Well, I won't have it in my house.
Man, I think I played this wrong.
Gotta go, Doris.
You owe me three demoralized children! TARA: And I know somewhere inside me is that little girl from Tennessee, who never could've seen herself standing here - Enough of that.
- I'm not done.
This was supposed to be an event about women supporting women, and I haven't been the most supportive woman myself.
My daughter told me her dream, and I tried to crush it.
Instead of crushing her dreams, I should follow her lead and find one of my own.
We all should.
You're intelligent women.
Should you really be giving yourselves awards for doing nothing? Come on! Sage, you sound stupid, but there's gotta be some brains in your head.
Thank you! [Chuckles] And, Nancy, take "Glamville" and actually do something with it! You're right.
I have a real responsibility.
I think the world needs "Glamville" now more than ever.
Suzanne, you are so much better than repackaging store-bought peppermint bark as your own.
You know? Oh, everybody knows.
And, Tara I think you'd be amazing at jumping off a bridge and hitting as many things as possible on the way down.
Ladies, you've gotta find your dreams, and I do, too.
Because it is not this.
[Applause] Come on, Kevin.
I don't know if you're going for a "Jerry Maguire" thing, but you complete me, Kate-orade! I'll report myself to HR.
I can't tell.
How's the video doing? Well, it's actually gotten a lot of views.
The unofficial fan site for the GEICO Lizard retweeted it.
But no one's signed up yet.
In school, we're forced to learn history no one wants to do it for fun.
I guess the Guild will go the way many of its members did neglected by their caretakers.
[Cellphone clicking] [Laptop chimes] - Hey! Two people just signed up! - [Mouse clicks] Oliver Otto and Anna-Kat Otto.
We saw how much it meant to you, so we thought we'd give it a shot.
Thanks.
I don't know what to say.
Come here.
- Ahh.
- [Chuckles] You guys are not gonna regret this.
We're having a mutton truck on Thursday.
It's just fried chicken, but we're pretending! Hey.
How was the event? I might've quit.
I'm not sure.
- Okay.
- [Purse thuds] - [Sighs] - Well, let me know so I can change the family back to generic phone charger cables.
[Door opens, closes] You guys will not believe what happened today First, I want to apologize for not supporting your dreams.
If you don't want to go to college and instead pursue singing, that is fine with your father and me.
- It is?! - Mm-hmm.
Why do I always feel like I've missed a meeting? No, I will go to college.
But for music.
Ms.
Belt was telling me about all these great music programs.
Oh, and there's this one at this school that's named after a honeydew.
- Carnegie Mellon? - Yes, that's it! [Chuckles] [Balloons squeaking] She's gonna do great in college.
[Note plays] [Vocalizing scales] [Note plays] It's nice to see Taylor pursuing her passion and Greg sharing his passion with the kids.
I'm passionate about two things my family and hating these busybody Westport idiots.
But there's gotta be room for something else.
- And - Mom.
Why are you always nodding your head, smiling, and staring at us? - Yeah.
- It creeps us out.
Oh, my.
Why do you have that look on your face? You know what? I don't care.
When you're done, - just clear the browser history.
- What? No.
I was looking at the honeydew school that Taylor wants to go to.
It's a lot more expensive than community college.
Oh my.
- Right?! - [Inhales sharply] We played this wrong.
Should've just let her run off to L.
A.
In light of this, when you say you might have quit your job, can you clarify that? I didn't quit quit.
I quit in my mind.
Okay.
What exactly does that mean? Like most working Americans, my spirit has quit but my body is forced to attend.
No one wants you to follow your passion more than me, and I'm just floating this out there how about your find a profession that you're passionate about, - then quit your job.
- Or hear me out I quit my job, hang out in Stewart and Kingston's, somebody comes in, likes my no-nonsense attitude, gives me my own talk show.
Boom! I'm the Queen of Day Time! [Footsteps approaching] Where are you guys off to? Our first Historical Guild meeting.
- Mm.
- I'm very enthusiastic.
Oliver is less so.
It's Mutton Madness! Are you sure you don't want to go? No, I've got a lot of work to do.
But I thought you were quitting No, you're right.
I'm gonna keep this job until I figure out what I really want to do.
But I know what I really don't want to do go to your thing.
Bring me back some fried chicken.
We're not supposed to call it that!