American Housewife (2016) s03e16 Episode Script


1 [Indistinct conversations] KATIE: Why do I let Greg drag me to these stupid Westport Historical Guild things? I haven't seen this many dorks since my high school's Model UN conference.
Everyone's lucky I'm not busting in with my posse and water balloons full of pudding this time.
Being an adult blows.
My favorite historic site on the Connecticut registry is definitely the Walker House, built by Major Ebenezer Dooley Captain Ebenezer Dooley.
The house was built in 1795.
Ebenezer was yet to be promoted.
Nice catch.
Ah, yes, Ebenezer Dooley.
Remembered for his amazing legacy of leaving parties early.
Let's honor him by getting the hell out of here.
Wait, Katie, I want you to meet Dane.
He's one of our Guild's new members.
Nice to meet you, Katie.
Are you a history buff as well? The buffest.
Greg, you said this mixer was from 7:00 to 9:00.
It's 9:03, better shut this down before tempers start to flare.
Whose temper's gonna flare? Hey, numbnuts, what you looking at? Okay.
We should go.
I should head out as well.
I need to adjust my humidor.
Oh, you're into cigars? Oh, God, no.
[Laughs] My humidor is filled with historical pantaloons from the Revolutionary War.
[Chuckles] - Gotta keep 'em damp.
- Oh, that's true.
Dane, is your wife into pantaloons as well? Oh, I'm not married.
[Whispering] I know.
Nice to meet you, Katie.
And, Greg, let me know about tomorrow night.
[Sighs] Tomorrow night? There's not another mixer, right? No, he wants to hang out.
He wants to hang out with you? Even with that haircut? It actually sounds like a fun night, but inviting me over to hang out? - Who does that? - That's what adults do when they want to make friends.
I don't need friends, I have you.
True, but it puts a lot of pressure on me to be your everything Your wife, your friend, your co-parent, your person who looks away when you put lotion on your elbows like this.
I guess I could give Dane a shot.
It'd be nice to come to one of these things and not have you yell "BO-RING" every time someone brings up history.
I don't do that every time.
Sometimes I pretend that I'm hard of hearing.
Yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you about that.
Hm? Look at this.
Cooper, on a yacht.
He said he couldn't hang out with me because he was gonna be with his parents all weekend.
Cooper's parents were actually in town? That's what he said.
But look at this I went to Facebook [Scoffs] Old people Internet.
and his parents posted a picture of them on a different yacht in a totally different ocean.
He just didn't want to invite me to his yacht party, so he lied.
[Scoffs] It was only a matter of time before Cooper got tired of his poor friend mooching off of him.
You really think that's true? That's what happened with me and the Blondetourage.
As soon as they realized I wasn't a privileged princess like them, they dropped me like a hot tomato.
It's, "drop you like a hot potato.
" No, it's not.
Why would you ever drop a hot potato? Hot potatoes are French fries.
- They're delicious.
- Oh, my God.
Why don't you just ask Cooper about the picture? That's not how you handle things in high school.
You need to hurt Cooper like he hurt you.
You need to get Insta-revenge.
Good call.
Take the dumb one's advice.
- Hey! - I wasn't talking about you.
Oh, okay.
Okay, I'll see you later.
Have fun at Dane's! Ahh, a night without Greg.
I'm going to do whatever I want.
The first thing is getting a babysitter for Anna-Kat.
Next I'm going to run a half-full dishwasher.
- [Beeps] - Greg says it's a waste of water, blah blah.
And I'm going to watch as many "Fast and Furious" movies as I want without Greg always complaining about how no one wears seatbelts.
[Tires screeching] Hey! Hey, honey! How did it go with Dane? Ah, we had so much fun.
He has an Eyecom 6000 microfiche reader.
We looked at local proposed amendments - from the 1920s for hours.
- Mm.
Sometimes the city council would tackle public schools and zoning in the same meeting.
Roaring '20s, indeed.
- Wow.
- [Laughs] That sounds wow.
It was wow.
I think I have a new friend.
- That's great, sweetheart.
- I know.
So the Guild's "Party Like It's 1799" shindig is coming up, and you have to be fitted for your bonnet.
Hey, why don't you go with your new pal Dane instead of me? Sure.
That would work.
[Sighs deeply] I'm sorry.
Did I say the wrong thing? Was that a test? No, it's just that I am so happy that I don't have to go.
This is all ready.
If I am not home, then somebody needs to put it in the oven at 5:00.
- [Camera shutter clicks] - Since when do you like Mom so much? Yeah, what the hell, Oliver? I told you I don't have a will.
He's taking pictures to post on social media to get back at Cooper for blowing him off.
What's the one thing Cooper wants most but can't have? Mom.
For some reason, he loves the way she yells at him and that all of her recipes are basically meat plus supermarket seasoning packets.
You guys drive yourselves crazy with this social media.
When I was in high school, if you had a problem with someone you challenged them to a fight, and you wore your biggest rings and you sucker-punched them right before it started.
Okay, have a great day at school.
Dane has been to so many battle sites.
Look at this picture from his trip to the Battle of Yorktown.
Hashtag Battle of Forktown.
[Laughing] Because he's eating lunch.
This guy is too much! [Laughs] He's a riot.
Listen, tonight let's pajama-up and finally finish that puzzle that's all candy bars.
Oh, I can't, I have plans.
[Scoffs] You're Greg.
You don't have plans.
Oh, Dane invited me to climb Sheffield Lighthouse after work and I said yes.
Wow, you and Dane are really getting serious.
You think? We can finish the puzzle another night.
- Is that okay? - Sure.
Go enjoy a night out with your new friend.
Is Greg blowing me off? Luthor, has he said anything to you? I see.
Bros before hoes.
and then on Sunday, Greg and Dane did the "Benjamin Franklin ate here!" tour.
Ugh, that sounds terrible.
It's just a lot of time for Greg to be spending with one friend.
I get to be upset about this, right? No.
You and Greg spend way too much time together.
Richard and I see each other four times a month.
Twice to get my allowance, and two bone days.
[Scoffs] Look, Greg having a friend means less pressure on you.
Now when you don't want to do something with Greg, you don't have to feel guilty because he has Dane.
Mm! And since he has plans, you can finally come to Girls' Night Out.
- Yes.
- Oh, yes! I'm never free for Girls' Night Out.
- Let's do this.
- [Laughs] So Girls' Night Out is just doing the same thing, but at night? And with wine.
- Hey.
- What do you want? Your mom made meatloaf.
I always come over for meatloaf.
You forgot to text me, but no big saw it on Instagram.
I didn't forget.
We don't really invite each other to things anymore, right? Huh? No comprende.
Well, maybe you'll comprende this.
I saw your Insta from the yacht party.
Well, technically the boat was barely 33 feet, so it's more of a cabin cruiser No, I get it, I'm your little charity case, and you're done bringing me around to your parties - with your rich friends.
- Whoa, amigo, you're coming in a little caliente.
You don't have to slum it around here anymore.
Go back to your mansion.
Well, technically it's an estate So, you have a nice night? The best.
I wish you could have seen the view from the lighthouse.
Oh, Dane posted some pictures I can show you my Instagram.
You're on Instagram? Dane set it up for me.
My handle's "Gerg Otto.
" I wanted to fix it, but Dane thought it was funny.
[Laughs] What are you laughing at? Just something Dane said.
- Whoa.
- What is that? Just a D pic.
- Wait, what? - A D pic.
A Dane pic.
It's a pic of Dane.
Oh, you've got to stop abbreviating things.
You're going to get into trouble.
How was your evening? So fun.
Not microfiche fun, but right up there.
So, tomorrow night I was thinking that I'm sorry, I'm going out with Dane.
Again? Why am I just now hearing about this? You're not.
You said I should go with him to the "Party Like It's 1799" shindig, remember? Oh, right.
- You want me to cancel? - No.
No, no, no, no.
Go have fun catching smallpox and starting every sentence with "ye.
" - [Cellphone chimes] - [Laughs] Dane used a filter to make us look like we're part of Mount Rushmore.
[Both laughing] Fun stuff.
Turn off the phone and go to sleep, Gerg.
Come on in.
Greg, your friend's here.
Did you know that your house is built on the spot where the Pequot Indians first broke bread with the white settlers? Oh, that's boring.
[Chuckles] So, is everyone dressing up? Because the cape feels a little over-the - Cape bros! - Cape bros! All right, honey, we're leaving.
Oh, good.
Because I have a lot of plans tonight, too.
Oh, great, what are you doing? A little of this, a little of that.
A whole lot of the other thing.
You know how I do.
Super vague, but have fun.
No, Doris, it's okay.
I didn't realize that it was the 16th already.
I need to put you and Richard's bone days in my calendar.
Yeah, I already tried Angela.
She is watching videos of Robin Roberts on YouTube.
I know.
Go bone.
I'll talk to you later.
[Laughter] Am I desperate enough to hang out with Anna-Kat and Franklin? Yep! [Laughter] What are you guys doing? Nothing.
Sounds like you guys are having a lot of fun.
We're not.
[Hushed] When is she leaving? - Guess I'll just go downstairs.
- 'Kay.
[Laughter] Look at this.
Cooper was on a WaveRunner having fun without me.
Look at this.
Right now your dad is at a party.
Having fun without me.
I can't stop looking at my phone.
Now I know what you guys go through with social media.
Makes you feel like a loser, doesn't it? - We are losers.
- Total losers.
We're garbage, human garbage.
We should crawl into a dumpster.
- And curl up and die.
- Yeah.
Maybe you and I shouldn't be around each other right now.
Trip! I didn't know you were over.
I'm so happy to see you.
Wow, Mrs.
I haven't been hugged like this since I told my English teacher I was dropping his class.
Mom, don't be weird.
So, Dad is out again with his new best friend Dane.
Who needs Dad? Not me.
I have you guys.
What are you doing? I have to observe the meteor shower for homework, and Trip said he'd keep me company.
- I'm in.
- I didn't invite you.
Well, I didn't mean to have you, so now we're even.
Oh, wait.
Meteor shower.
Better grab an umbrella.
Always thinking.
You shall not destroy me! Show me what you got! [Laughing] What are you guys doing? Mom already tried to crash our playdate.
Find your own friend.
I don't have a friend.
Yes, you do.
Go talk to Cooper.
What happened to Cooper Cooper the Pooper.
[Laughs] Genius.
He lied to me about his plans so he could go to a yacht party without me last weekend.
That's not last weekend.
What are you talking about? Look Those are Fourth of July napkins.
How did you even notice that? - I love themed napkins.
- He really does.
It makes Christmas shopping a breeze.
It is the Fourth of July.
Why would Cooper lie to me and post an old photo? Go talk to him and find out.
I think I will.
Thanks, Franklin.
- [Door closes] - [Sighs] - What? - It's not you.
It's just when a woman has an idea, he ignores it, but when a man says the same thing, he's suddenly all ears.
I wish I was all ears.
[Sighs] Stupid nose.
Sorry we haven't seen anything yet.
Ah, don't worry about it.
I could stay out here all night with you.
I've got Bugles.
I've got Combos.
I've got Chicken In A Biskit.
Ooh, Chicken In A Biskit! Mom, you really don't need to be here.
Look! There's a meteor! - Wow! - No, wait.
That's a plane.
- A shooting star! - Wow! Nope! Another plane.
[Cellphone chimes] - Is that Doris or Angela? - [Sighs] It's probably an emergency.
No time to take it, just go.
Dane just put up more photos of him and your dad at the 1799 party.
They're assembling muskets, cobbling shoes, and churning butter together.
That stuff's so cool.
Your generation was so lucky you got to do all that.
[Cellphone chimes] Look at how your dad is smiling at Dane.
Look at how much fun they're having.
He should be having fun with me.
You need to go down there and show him you are way more fun than Dane.
- You think I should? - Absolutely.
You need to let Dane know he's the third wheel.
You know, somebody who wants to hang out with a couple when the couple really wants to be left alone.
- I can take a hint.
- No, no, no! Not you! [Chair scraping] [Indistinct conversations] - Hey, Katie.
What are you doing here? - [Inhales sharply] I am reliving the past with an eye towards the future.
Oh, my God.
Katie, thank you for paying attention to the Guild's mission.
Of course.
I listen.
Where's Dane? He's at the mead pong table.
[Cheering] He's dominating.
No one can beat him.
He's so cool.
You think dominating beer pong is cool? Great.
I will be back.
I'm from Florida.
They teach beer pong in school as an elective.
[Cheering] [Spectators murmur] Hey, Katie, you made it.
Great! We'll see how great you think it is once your reign is over.
[Spectators murmur] Ye on.
[Cheering] I'm dominating.
[Cheering] [All chanting] Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Suck a musket, Dane.
- [Cheering] - Yeah! Whoo! [Katie laughs] [Gasps] Drink, drink, drink! [All chanting] Drink, drink, drink! Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink! [Mug thuds] [Plops] Yeah! In your face! C'mon, everybody Dane sucks! Dane sucks! - Dane sucks! Dane sucks! - Dane sucks! Dane sucks! - Dane sucks! Dane sucks! - Dane sucks! Dane Katie, could I speak to you by the stocks, please? Yeah.
How is this fun for you? It's not.
My cellphone rang during a re-enactment.
It was the third time.
I hate nerds so much.
What was that all about? I don't want you doing all this stuff with Dane every night.
You encouraged me to be friends with him.
Well, that was stupid.
And it takes up too much of your time.
You're jealous.
That's amazing.
I should have gotten a new friend years ago.
I just miss you.
I wanted you to find a new friend, but not a new best friend.
I'm supposed to be your best friend.
Sweetie, I like Dane, but you will always be my best friend.
You're hands-down my favorite person to do stuff with.
- Really? - Of course.
I'm sorry I ever made you doubt that.
And to prove it, I'll take you out for a fun night.
- I'd like that.
- Done.
You know, next week is the unveiling of the Wesley Lyon headstone restoration at the Willowbrook Cemetery.
You can do that with Dane.
[Cellphone rings] Could somebody give me a hand?! [Ringing continues] Hey, Chambers let me in.
[Intercom beeps] Please have Chambers reassigned to the bowling alley shoe rentals.
[Intercom clicks] Didn't know you had an arcade in your basement.
In the winter it's an ice-skating rink.
Oh, yeah.
So what you want? I just wanted to say I was sorry.
I was mad because I thought you blew me off.
Why would you think that? Because when I saw you on that yacht I thought you lied to me about being with your parents.
And then I realized it was just an old picture.
Why'd you post that? Because instead of hanging out with me, my parents bailed to go sailing with the son of Dubai's Minister of Foreign Affairs.
They were with someone else's son.
I just didn't want anyone to know.
- Dude, that sucks.
- Yeah.
I guess I just thought you were sick of slumming it with your poor friend.
What? Dude, that's never going to happen.
I don't care how much money you have.
- Really? - Of course.
Plus, we're the richest family in Westport.
Literally everyone is beneath me.
[Chuckles] Uh, how many tickets do I need for that drone? How many tickets do you have? - Uh, 14.
- 14 tickets.
Well done.
I know it's kind of sad that he's just giving me things that I already own but it's sadder for him, right? I'll answer that.
It's sadder for me.
[Laughs] See? Are we bueno? Muy bueno.
All right, see you in a couple weeks.
I'll be here.
Is this, like, your full-time job? Ouch.
[Chuckles] Yes.
Yes, it is.
And I'm I'm almost 50 years old.
Meatloaf, my fave! The only way this could be better is if your mom was here, too.
I'm here, you dingbat! Muy bonita, Mrs.
Otto! You also look really pretty.
Thank you.
I'm your father's date tonight.
We compromised.
First we're gonna go candle-making yawn.
Then we're gonna grab dinner and see The Rock's new movie groan.
If you don't want to fight traffic, you can catch the 8:15 at the theater in my basement.
If you're in the mood for an indie, theater two is showing Shut up and eat, Cooper.
That's the stuff.
Here, let me get a picture.
Everyone together.
Everybody smile.
- Did you get it? - Here, hold on.
[Machine whirs] [Video games beeping] [Whirs] [Whirs] [Whirs] [Sighs] [Machine chimes] [Machine whirs] [Machines powering down]