American Housewife (2016) s03e22 Episode Script

The Dance

1 [Dramatically] Mr.
McNeish, it's time to abandon ship! Have you made peace with your maker? Huh? [Normal voice] Franklin, you're Mr.
McNeish, I'm explorer Ernest Shackleton, and we're crossing Antarctica.
How many times do I have to tell you? Four? [Dramatically] Tell the crew we'll eat the sled dogs if we have to! [Luthor grumbles] Don't worry, boy.
We'll eat you last.
Franklin, it's time to go.
I'll drive you home.
I have to get my inhaler.
I'll get it for you.
If you go, there's a 50-50 chance you'll come back down with an empty toilet paper roll.
Mr.
Otto, can I have a word with you in private? Am I in trouble? How can I help you? Well, the spring dance is this weekend, and I'd like your permission to ask your daughter to go with me.
[Chuckles] Of course you can take her to the dance.
Between you and me, I think she's had a thing for you for quite some time.
Big-time.
Duh.
- Do you want any advice? - I could really use some.
I think my teacher may be a vampire.
Vampire.
[Chuckles] Oh, Franklin.
You are one for the ages.
So, it looks like Anna-Kat has her first date.
Granted, it's with a kid who kicked the ball into his own goal 11 times in one soccer game.
Do you know what this means? - Our little girl's growing up.
- Yeah, sure.
But more importantly, all three kids are going to be out Saturday night at the dance.
We'll have the house to ourselves for an entire evening.
Wow.
It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
It's like being pulled up on stage at a Springsteen concert! Or like when I had that huge pot of leftover chili and I picked the exact right-size Tupperware to store it in.
Our relationship amazes me every day.
Me too.
We can actually get it on without feeling rushed or exhausted.
And we can finally make use of this bad boy we sent away for.
Ooh.
Nights alone.
Man, we had fun before we had kids.
Of course, that fun is what turned into these kids.
Mm.
And I heard Franklin telling Dad he's going to ask me to the dance! That's so exciting! Oh, but you have to act surprised so you don't take his big moment away from him.
Oh, I can act surprised.
Okay, he asked you to the dance.
He didn't electrocute you.
[Chuckles] Just hold a smile for five seconds, then accept.
Sounds good.
Thanks.
Look at me, giving advice.
Who's the big sister now? You.
You've always been the big sister.
I knew that.
So, are you getting me a corsage for the dance? Eh, I found an old Christmas wreath in the basement.
- I'll throw it around your neck.
- [Laughs] You're not doing that, right? Ooh! Let's go in.
Maybe we'll learn about our future together.
[Scoffs] You've got to be joking.
It'll be fun! Don't you want to know what our wedding song will be? "Danger Zone," Kenny Loggins.
Next.
Let's get a second opinion.
[Bell jingles] Hmm.
What? Are you about to tell me I'm adopted? If you are, don't look so worried.
It'll be a relief.
[Quietly] This time tomorrow, the kids will all be gone and it'll just be you and me.
[Quietly] This is gonna be a special night.
And I picked up some aphrodisiacs to get us in the mood.
Cheetos? The dust has a way of getting everywhere.
- Mm.
- [Doorbell rings] Well, Franklin! What a surprise! [Door closes] [Whispering] Are you ready? [Whispering] I was born ready.
And with one extra toe.
[Romantic music plays] Your dad says you've had a thing for me for quite some time.
So let's do this.
Will you go to the dance with me? Ugh! If I could do this over, I would have pinned him down on a few more specifics.
So, my mom can take us to the dance, or you can just drive.
I still need to sit in the back.
Airbags.
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Franklin, can I talk to you in my office? Hold that thought.
Has this been going on for a while? I need to talk to Anna-Kat.
[Exhales sharply] This is bad.
This is so bad.
They're not really seeing each other, Oliver.
That's not it.
Brie and I were on Main Street, and she pulled me in to see that psychic that no one ever goes into.
You mean the one with the neon sign outside and the cat in the window who never moves, might be dead? Yes.
She predicted this would happen! Hmm.
You have sisters.
[Gasps] He does! A boy will come between them and break one of their hearts.
[Scoffs] That's impossible.
My sisters are eight years apart.
You saw what just happened! The psychic was right! Oh, my God.
Did she say anything about me? How many times am I gonna repeat senior year? Psychics are con artists.
Besides, why are you so freaked out? What does this have to do with you? She made another prediction! Why is that woman on fire? [Scoffs] He has swords through him.
Don't you have any cards of guys getting a massage or having a picnic? An evening of romance tomorrow will end in disaster.
[Dramatic note plays] [Scoffs] You're a lot of fun.
Do you do kids' parties? Something bad is gonna happen at that dance that'll ruin my relationship with Brie.
I don't think I should go.
KATIE: I need all three kids out of the house.
This psychic is jeopardizing my night alone with Greg.
I wouldn't worry about it.
Dude, you're totally gonna get stabbed if you go to that dance.
Or something! Trip, I'm feeling kind of sleepy.
Might need to take a little nap.
Would you be a dear and check under my bed for monsters? [Sighs] - I'd be honored to.
- Mm.
And you, calm down! You're agreeing with Trip.
That should be your first red flag.
I just don't think it's worth taking a chance.
What if the psychic's right? Okay.
If you could see into the future, what would you do? Make a billion dollars in the stock market.
Uh-huh.
And that psychic drives an old Pontiac with a garbage bag taped over the passenger window.
That's a good point.
Damn right it is.
[Sighs] I guess I just got myself worked up.
Of course you did! Franklin asking out your older sister is just a weird, kinda creepy coincidence.
Thanks, Mom.
So you going to the dance? I'm going to the dance.
My night of romance is saved.
But I will feel real bad if he does get stabbed at that dance.
I don't see what's so confusing.
You were supposed to ask Anna-Kat to the dance.
[Laughs] She's my best friend.
Besides, isn't she a little young for me? No! Franklin, there is no chance Taylor is going to go to the dance with you.
Then why did you give me your permission? I gave you permission to ask Anna-Kat.
- I think we're just going in circles.
- Oh, my You have your own boyfriend, but you had to steal mine! I didn't steal yours.
Franklin asked me to the dance.
I had nothing to do with it.
Besides, he's 9.
9 1/2! Anna-Kat, I'm gonna tell him no.
[Gasps] And break his heart?! - Get out! - Anna-Kat I said get out! [Sighs] See? Doesn't ice cream make it better? It is pretty tasty.
Now I'm thinking about Tasty, Franklin's hamster.
Now I'm thinking about that "B" who stole him from me! You can't be mad at Taylor for this.
You can be mad at her for resetting our Hulu password and forgetting it, but not this.
I just dropped Franklin off at home.
Was his home Hell? Oh, honey, h-he's just confused.
Right now, he just sees you as a friend, but that could change at any moment.
That's true.
Sometimes it is just a matter of shifting a man's perspective so he sees you differently.
I once pretended to be courted by a French duke just to get a guy's attention.
Wait.
What? Jean-Luc wasn't real? Oh, yeah.
That was you.
I see what you're saying.
Thanks, guys.
I think I know what to do.
You sent all those baguettes to yourself? Greg, I may half-ass a lot of things, but not schemes.
Never schemes.
Hi, Anna-Kat.
Hi, Taylor.
Having some breakfast? Why don't you take my bowl? - Why don't you take my spoon? - [Spoon clatters] You're good at taking things that are mine! Looks like you still need some space.
Our night is ruined if Anna-Kat isn't going to that dance anymore.
Anything less than all three kids out of the house does us no good.
Guess I'm putting the box back.
We might have to save it till Anna-Kat goes to college.
I'm gonna look pretty stupid wearing that thing when I'm 60.
I promise not to laugh.
[Laughs] I can't keep that promise.
Guys, I'm thinking I need a limo to take Brie to the dance tonight.
Oh.
Of course.
I'll get right on that.
[Cellphone chimes] Call Westport Limo Company.
SIRI: Calling Westport Limo Company.
Hang up! Hang up! It was a bit! It was a bit! [Cellphone chimes, thuds] What are you doing here? Anna-Kat called and told me to come over.
She told me to come over, too.
Please, step inside.
I'm glad we're all here.
Franklin, I'm fine with you going to the dance with my sister.
Uhhhhh Because I already have a date.
You do? I mean, I will.
Trip, will you do me the honor of going to the spring dance with me? Uhhhhh Yes, he'll go with you.
Perfect! I'm wearing blue.
Take that into account for my corsage.
Cool.
We can double-date.
Great.
Dad, take him home.
I'm doing a lot of driving of Franklin this week.
[Quietly] Worth it.
Our date night is back on.
Why did you make me agree to that? Now I'm on the hook for a blue croissant.
This is a good thing.
Now that she's taking you to the dance, she and I are even.
Believe me, it's no fun being on Anna-Kat's bad side.
She keeps crop-dusting me.
And I know it's not an accident because she winks after she does it.
[Sighs] Honey, what is wrong now? I'm not gonna need that limo anymore.
Thank you for letting me know.
I'll cancel the limo that you were never getting.
No, another prediction came true! Someone in your family will take an unexpected trip.
[Chuckles] Not gonna happen.
The closest we come to traveling is going to the "far" Costco.
They're more generous with the samples.
Anna-Kat is taking Trip to the dance.
He wasn't expecting it.
It was an unexpected trip! Are you screwing with me? It's too weird, Mom.
She predicted an evening of romance will end in disaster, and so far, all her predictions have come true.
I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told you when I accidentally shrunk your favorite sweater in the dryer.
Calm the [bleep] down! I'm not gonna chance ruining my relationship with Brie.
I'm staying home tonight.
Oliver, come on! You can't really believe that nonsense.
You are a straight-A student Angela goes to psychics all the time, and she's a high-powered lawyer.
She also says "Coo-ba" instead of "Cuba.
" Your role model's a communist! KATIE: You're not taking this night away from me.
[Sighs] I'm going to fix this if it's the last thing I do.
Well, that's a little dramatic.
But I do have to fix it.
This place is jammed.
Why are we here on a Saturday? I told you, I need your help with something.
I do not wait for a table.
I'm gonna fix this problem with Richard's money and my moxie.
Mm.
Angela, I need you to talk to Oliver for me.
He went into that psychic on Main Street.
Oh, Madame Susan? - Susan? - Mm-hmm.
You'd think she'd come up with a spookier name.
She couldn't control what her parents named her.
Still, for the sign.
Go with Esmerelda or something.
Is that cat in her window dead? Okay, I feel like we're getting sidetracked.
Right.
So, Oliver went to see her, and she said something bad was going to happen at the dance, so now he's afraid to go.
He trusts you, so I need you to tell him that it's all hocus-pocus for weak-minded fools.
Hey, psychics have a window into a world we just can't see.
Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
Like elves and the fairy folk? Exactly.
- I was joking.
- Oh.
Angela, I need you to help change Oliver's mind and get him to the dance.
You are asking me to go against all my beliefs.
- Please? - No! - I have integrity.
- [Sighs] I'll show you that video of Doris when she slipped on the ice.
Oh, my God.
Deal.
Deal! Hey, I just got us a table.
Where are you guys going? I solved my problem.
Angela's gonna help me.
But I just gave the list guy $500 and a promise to make out in the bathroom! [Chanting] [Chanting continues] Now quickly drink this.
Mm The sage cleanses your aura, while the lemon water is good for positive ions.
[Humming] How do you feel? - I don't know.
- Mm.
I feel okay.
Lighter? Ah.
Then it worked.
- You sure? - Positive.
Really? [Sighs] Yes.
You're safe to go to the dance.
- Thanks, Angela.
- Yeah.
Angela, that was amazing.
How did you know how to do all that stuff? [Scoffs] I made the whole thing up to help you.
There's no way to undo a psychic's prediction.
This isn't even sage.
It's just cloves some goth chick left in my car.
[Chuckles] They can see us comin' from a mile away They wanna see us, wanna be us, nah, we don't play Gettin' fancy, edge of your seat We got a groove makin' you move Now, come on, get on your feet It's like one, two, what's the move? Here, put this around my neck and tell me my eyes shine like the stars.
Do it like this Get up I got this for you Louder, so he hears.
I got this for you! Your eyes shine like the stars! Do it like this Get up Whoo, right now, get up Whoo, right now, get up Whoo, right now, get up Do it like this Taylor, these are the guys from my social skills group.
Hi.
This is Taylor, my date.
Come on, fellas.
Show some social skills.
Hello.
Nice.
[Chuckles] Is he looking? No.
Oh.
Do it like this, get up Whoo, right now, get up Is he looking now? Get up, whoo - No.
- Get up Do it like this Get up This isn't working.
He's supposed to fly into a jealous rage, but instead, he's dangling that homewrecker in front of his nerd group! Whoo! Finally, the house to ourselves.
I'm gonna light some candles.
[Classical music plays] And I'm gonna go upstairs and put on what's in that box.
Might take a couple minutes.
There's a special adhesive for it.
Don't want that coming off.
[Laughs] [Candle thuds lightly] [Cellphone ringing] Oh.
[Ringing continues] Brie left her phone.
[Click, whoosh] Hi, Brie's mom! Oh.
Uh, who are you? I'm Oliver's mom, Katie.
They're already at the dance.
Brie left her phone here when we were taking pictures.
Uh, um, I'm sorry.
W-What school dance? Who is Oliver? Oliver Otto, her boyfriend.
No, no, no, no, no.
Brie is not allowed to date till sophomore year.
She knows that.
Uh I'm going down to that dance.
Wait.
I don't see any reason to [Cellphone beeps] Oh, no! Oliver's date.
GREG: [Seductively] You ready? I got it on.
It would fit much better if I were fully shaved.
[Sultry jazz music plays] Check it out.
It's almost exactly what my hair looked like when you first fell in love with me.
Greg, we got to head to the dance and stop Brie's mom before an evening of romance turns into a disaster! But we were just gonna The psychic was right! All her predictions came true! But you always say psychics are I was wrong.
- You were wrong? - Yes! You coming? Give me just a minute.
I've imagined this moment so many times.
Ugh! Okay.
[Dance music plays] [Groans] Finally, a moment's peace.
Franklin had to go wet his hair.
I don't know.
All right.
How do we get Franklin interested in Anna-Kat? Hmm Well, what made you interested in me? Well, you're super-pretty, you're super-nice, and you super-smell good.
Aww.
And you never laugh at me when I can't remember Words.
Yes.
Words.
[Chuckles] [Gasps] Well, what do we have here? Oh, hi, Franklin.
What kind of gentleman takes one girl to a dance and then kisses another? Franklin, you know Trip is my boyfriend.
I don't care if he's John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.
He just left the greatest girl in the world all alone by herself.
[Slurps] [Angelic choir sings] She's the greatest girl in the world.
I like this I like that Bring it, bring it, bring it on Bring it, bring it on Bring it, bring it, bring it on Bring it, bring it on Good times Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo Good times Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo Good times Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo Good times Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo Good times There he is.
Oh, no! Brie's mom already got to them.
You should probably do the talking.
I have a history of making things like this worse.
- Okay - No, never mind.
I'll do the talking.
Honey, I am so sorry I put you in this position where you feel like you can't be open with me.
It's okay.
I shouldn't have lied to you.
No.
I feel terrible.
Oliver seems like such a nice boy.
Thank you.
Hey.
Mom, I'll go ahead and answer your questions.
Yes, she is talking about me, and yes, she's sure.
Hi.
We're Oliver's parents.
Talked to you on the phone earlier.
Yeah.
So nice to meet you.
I'm Margaret Witherspoon.
[Chuckles] You must excuse me.
I ran out of the house.
I must look like a mess.
[Chuckles] My mom's gonna react badly to this.
Let's get your mom out of here.
Mrs.
Witherspoon? Hm? - Punch? - Yes! Oh! Everything went great.
The psychic's prediction was total nonsense.
Actually, the psychic was dead-on.
She said the evening of romance would end in disaster.
And it did.
Not for them.
It ended in disaster for us.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, by the time we get back to the house, I'll have to turn back around and drive Franklin home.
We're going to be rushed and tired again.
Maybe we can hook up in the front seat of the minivan.
Greg, I don't think that's spatially possible for us anymore.
Probably right.
[Sighs] So much for our romantic evening.
[Sighs] Ohh, whoa-oh, oh, oh Maybe not.
Would you care to dance? - I'd love to.
- [Chuckles] Ohh, whoa-oh, oh, oh Ohh, whoa-oh, oh, oh Ohh, whoa-oh, oh, oh Ohh, whoa-oh, oh, oh [Imitating electric guitar] Hey, Dad? Have you seen my When you encounter the long-haired beast, ask no questions.
[Scoffs] - Oliver, this is just my - I'm good.