American Housewife (2016) s03e23 Episode Script

A Mom's Parade

1 So, we'll do the opening ceremony at the front gate when the parade ends.
That way, after they cut the ribbon, - it will be a hu - Mom, you ironed my shirt in a way I can only describe as "indifferently sloppy.
" I look like a socialist.
Oliver, I'm a little busy planning the Westport Founder's Day Fair.
You can survive one day with a less-than-perfect crease.
You don't understand.
I'm with Brie Witherspoon now.
She's a cardboard box heiress.
- [Groans] - I need to look my best at all times! Or, to put it in cardboard box terms, corners sharp, flaps in, sides tight.
Please shut up.
As I was saying - [Clattering] - Hold on one second! - [Luthor whines] - Luthor! You're killing me! Anna-Kat, it's supposed to be cool today, so no sandals.
I like going toe-commando.
I'm not letting you go to school like that.
Put on some socks.
[Exhales sharply] Okay, sorry.
Last interruption.
Mom, can you get me and the Joshes free tickets to the fair? Nope.
I lied.
I'll call you back.
The Joshes? The three boys named Josh who are constantly in trouble? I don't want you hanging out with them.
Well, that's unfair.
Sure, Josh has gotten into some trouble.
Maybe Josh has, too.
But Josh hasn't.
The best way not to do something stupid is to not do something stupid.
[Scoffs] Greg, a little help here.
I'm sorry.
It's my fault.
Won't do it again.
Greg! Ah.
I'm a little preoccupied.
My re-enactment group not only promoted me to Captain Holding for applause.
Getting none.
Moving on.
but also, I've been chosen to recite the immortal words of Westport founder Daniel Nash to open the Fair.
"Though we are weary, we are not worn.
We are bloodied, but not broken.
Don't fire unless fired upon, but if they mean to have a war, let it begin in Westport.
" That was terrible.
You're a captain now.
Get it together, Otto! So, basically, I'm on my own for all of this as usual.
[Inhales deeply] Taking care of the kids, taking care of the house, and not a thank-you in sight.
I deserve a thank-you.
[Discordant chord plays] I deserve gratitude! [Discordant chord plays] I deserve applause! [Flourish plays] Yeah.
That's right.
It's a musical.
Deal with it.
Everyone's the star of their own little show Juice is warm.
They all get their moment to shine Who bought lime shampoo? Everybody basks in the spotlight's hot glow I think this has mad cow.
They get tons of moments Where's mine? Mothers cook, and they clean Run the carpool routine We work our butts off And do we get paid? Plus, we keep our husbands happy Yeah.
I mean that kind of happy.
So when is this town gonna celebrate me? With marching and singing like something from "Glee"? I want floats, I want bands I want streets lined with stands I want drum majorettes I want lots of jazz hands! I want cheers and confetti As all kinds of fusses are made Tell me, where is my Paraaaaaaaaaaade? Paraaaaaaaaaaade? [Song ends] Mom's in a mood.
I just wanted to soak in the history to connect with Daniel Nash so I can do his words justice.
Look, I understand your passion for Nash.
You know, sometimes, I'll just come here on the weekends when I don't have my court-mandated anger management classes.
There she is! The actual flag Nash carried into battle during the forming of Westport.
You can still see the blood on it.
The powder burns when he was shot.
And the imprints from the horseshoes when he was trampled under the Cavalry charge.
But still he held proud and strong.
Oh, it's working.
Hey, I know it's a lot to ask, but do you think there's any way that I could hold the flag while I'm delivering Nash's words? This is a priceless artifact.
I-I-It's never even left the glass case.
Of course.
What was I thinking? Stupid! It's never left the case because nobody's ever had the guts to ask.
- What's happening? - I want you to take this home, and I want you to soak in its history! Take it home for realsies? Yes, Captain Otto.
For realsies.
[Patriotic music plays] I am overwhelmed.
I barely have the Founder's Day Fair under control, plus keeping up with the kids and the house and Greg being no help.
Sometimes it is too much.
Ugh! I can totally relate.
It's the same at my place.
Really? You get overwhelmed? Oh.
[Chuckles] I'm sorry.
I wasn't talking about me.
I was talking about my nannies.
Those poor women dealing with raising the kids, taking care of the house it is a struggle.
See? This is the problem with Westport.
Moms don't actually do anything on their own.
They have drivers, shoppers And that is why Westport - [Mid-tempo music plays] - is the best place in the world.
- Oh, yeah.
It is pretty great.
- Yeah.
Sure, but not for me.
Well, that's because you're doing it wrong! Tell her, Angela.
Look at life in Westport Tell me whatcha see Every lawn is green, every house, obscene Every face is wrinkle-free Eh - Don't it all sound perfect? - No.
- Yeah, it does, don't lie - Yeah.
You can't fight it or hide it So, hey, why try? Why try? Just pop a couple Xanax Two.
Let your worries fade When life gives you lululemons Have some lululemonade Just kick back and relax That's the Westport way Have the help bring you snacks - On a Westport tray - [Gasps] - Hit the gym - Get a tan Do a tennis pro The world is your oyster once you go full Westport You gotta go full Westport Go full Westport You're right.
If no one appreciates anything that I do - "If"? - then I'll do things that I appreciate.
Welcome to the neighborhood! Finally.
- Sleepin' in on weekdays - Always - Ditchin' work, as well - Oh, well The whole carpool schedule Can go to Wherever carpools go - Your kids take you for granted - Yep! - Let's face it, no one cares - No! And that's why God made nannies - Butlers - Tutors - And au pairs - Go do lunch and then chill That's the Westport style When you sign for the bill Smile a Westport smile - Hit the spa - And Pilates And the nail salon You'll stop feeling guilty once you've gone full Westport So why not go full Westport? Go full Westport [Rapping] Is the best port It's the juice-organically- pressed-port Westport, it's the best port It's the look-amazing-undressed-port It's the latest-handbag-obsessed-port It's the everyone- genetically-blessed-port It's a hot-yoga, paleo, never-ending fashion show Why-would-anybody-be-stressed-port? Give up and give in To the Westport life Self-indulge, take the win - Like a Westport wife - Ohhhhh Why waste another minute being discontent? You'll look back and wonder why you never went - Full Westport - Westport - It's time to go full Westport - Oh, oh, oh, oh Go full Westport - So? - That's it.
I'm gonna do it.
Go full Westport And by "do it," I mean "do nothing"! Go full Westport Westport, Westport, Westport It's time to go full Westport - It's the best port.
- It's the best port.
- Gather up.
- [Door closes] I do everything around here, with no appreciation.
So from now on, we are going to have nannies, housekeepers, and drivers take care of it all.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Nanny.
- [Discordant chord] - Housekeeper.
- [Discordant chord] - Driver.
- [Discordant chord] As of now, you're all on your own.
[Barks] You're right, Luthor.
It's gonna be a disaster.
I think he's just hungry.
He said it was gonna be a disaster! Hey, guys.
[Chuckling] Wow! Look at your clothes.
They're all crumpled up like the $100 bills I find between the seat cushions in my couch.
Our mom has gone completely AWOL.
What's her deal? If you want appreciation, don't be a mom.
Let's just say "thank you" and go back to her doing stuff for us.
I suppose you could, but as a kid who almost never sees his parents 'cause they're always traveling, there are benefits to life without parents.
Can you communicate those in an interesting way? Imagine no one in your face That is interesting.
Nobody all up in your biz Huh.
No one decidin' how you walk or eat Just think how sweet it is Keep talking.
Nobody steppin' on your game I'm liking this.
No one decidin' who you see I'm really liking this.
No one to criticize your point of view Or tell ya who to be Your life is not your own But once they leave you alone You can do you Stay out all night and get some tattoos You can do you Go on and break those family taboos Life can be nice when you got nothin' to lose And once you're free to go and be whatever you choose You can do you [Laughter] Let me get this straight.
If we can just get rid of our parents The sky's the limit.
Imagine wearing what I want You can wear anything you want Nobody screenin' every call No one to screen every call No one complaining that if I don't stop - Nobody - I'll drive her up the wall You can do you You can dress exactly like a hedge fund C.
You can do you You can blow off school to hang with every Josh you know You can do you You can cruise the hallways with your toenails out on show You can do you And your mother never has to know Won't it be nice when no one's blockin' your flow Blockin' your flow And once you're through with you-know-who Once we're through with you-know-who Once you're through with you-know-who We'll be good to go You can do you [Laughter] I propose we make a pact.
We'll cook, clean, do laundry, and pick up after ourselves.
You can do you The longer we keep Mom out of our business, the better.
Wait and see what you can be when you can do you Virginia ham and baked potatoes.
You made this? Pretty amazing what a kid can do when her toes aren't being smothered by socks.
[Doorbell rings] My perfectly pressed shirts.
Turns out, in Cooper's basement, next to the bowling alley is a little dry cleaner.
Oliver programmed my phone to do everything you would do for me.
[Cellphone chimes] I just got a notification to study for a history quiz.
Not gonna do it, but it's nice to have the option.
Can you believe how far they'll go just to keep from showing me any appreciation? But just think, this is what you wanted to live like a Westport housewife with a full staff of help.
And you kind of are.
I mean, watch this.
[Fork clatters] Yeah.
I guess that's kind of cool.
Well, I better practice my Daniel Nash line.
You know, I think the flag is really helping.
Taylor, honey, have you seen my flag? It was on the side table.
It was filthy, so I threw it in the laundry.
- You what?! - I know! Can you believe it? I'm doing laundry now! [Chuckles] - What - Here you go.
I even sewed up the holes.
You what?! Taylor, this was a historical artifact! It's the first time out of the case! Did you not see where it was signed by George Washington?! Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
It said "Washington"? I thought it said "Wash a ton," so I did.
Like seven times.
KATIE: By the day of the Westport Founder's Day Fair, I was sure the kids would have come crawling back to me.
But they seemed to be doing fine on their own.
Okay, guys, time to go.
I'm driving, so we're taking the car.
OLIVER: And since we're on our own, I will be with Brie at the fair, and I don't need you to embarrass me.
I request you keep your distance.
Imagine there's a 20-foot circle of kung pao tofu around me.
Why would they ruin kung pao with tofu?! Exactly.
I almost forgot.
My socks.
You're already wearing them, honey.
I know.
That's better.
Breathe it in, piggies.
[Door closes] Good news.
I figured out how to get the flag back to how it was - in time for my speech.
- Hmm.
- I use raw hamburger for the blood - Mm-hmm.
black powder for the burns - [Clatter] - and a box of old horseshoes I can dump on it for the stampede.
[Exhales sharply] - I need the counter.
- Okay.
It's all yours.
Okay, Captain Otto.
Let's do this thing.
[Colonial music plays] Aah! Ohh! Ah! Ooh! [Groaning] [Screaming] [Straining] Horseshoes, you're supposed to be lucky! [Groans] Oh, [bleep]! Aah! Aah! Ugh! Aah! [Blows] Aaaaaah! Gaaaah! [Indistinct conversations] Okay, the parade is officially over.
Time to cut the ribbon and open the gates.
Anybody need anything from me? MAN: No, we don't need you.
MAN #2: I'm fine here.
WOMAN: Everything's good.
MAN #3: Nothing from me.
MAN #4: You're not needed.
Could've done without that.
GREG: Excuse me.
Excuse me.
[Groans] Good Lord, Greg, what happened? [Groans] Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Captain Otto.
I love the Daniel Nash limp.
- Wh - And you smell of burnt hair! - Wow! I'd like to shake your hand! - Ow! [Groans] Whoa.
Step aside, Vin Diesel.
You are now the greatest actor I have ever met.
[Groans] Attention, everyone! [Stirring music plays] "Though we are weary, we are not worn.
We are bloodied, but not broken.
" "Do not fire unless fired upon" Mm-hmm.
"but if they mean to have a war, let it begin in Westport!" [Cheers and applause] [Cheers and applause] [Groans] [Indistinct talking] Okay.
It's showtime.
So, what are we doing, Joshes? I just bought a bunch of gooey, hot, - fried cheese balls.
- Cool! When the next person comes out of that Porta Potty Bam! we fire away.
[Laughs] Classic.
But won't that hurt? - That's what's funny! - [Laughs] Oh! Okay, quick, load up.
People are coming out.
KATIE: [Echoing] Don't do this, Taylor.
People could get burned! [Chuckling] Oh, this is gonna be crazy-funny.
The best way not to do something stupid is to not do something stupid.
[Sighs] Josh, Josh, Josh.
Hold up.
I think this is a bad idea.
What are you talking about? We're throwing cheese balls, man.
- [Chuckling] Yeah.
- Guys, don't! [Exhales sharply] It's so good that you stopped us.
We would've been so busted.
Oh, my God.
My mom was right.
That's right.
I was right.
Wonderful speech, Captain Otto.
W Thank you! I think I really connected people to history.
Maybe next year, I'll shoot you in the head.
You can be Lincoln.
What's wrong with you? Sorry.
I just wanted a little appreciation.
But instead, I started a revolution.
And now they don't need me anymore.
[Sighs] I still need you.
Look what happened when I tried to handle things myself.
I was stabbed, burned, and trampled by horseshoes.
[Shivering] Give me a second.
So cold.
Here you go, honey.
Socks! Yes! Thank you.
[Uplifting music plays] [Girls laugh] Oliver.
Mom! Kung pao tofu! You have got mustard on your shirt.
Oh, no! Just hold still.
Brie's coming.
There you go.
Good as new.
Thank you, Mom.
YOUNG WOMAN: Guys, come on! Let's go! [Inhales deeply] [Sighs] Mom! You were right.
Thank you.
[Chuckles] Two little words Those two little words And all my frustrations just fade It's better than chocolate Not quite as good as sex But it feels like my personal Founder's Day parade It's like Being at a carnival and riding every ride That rush of pure adrenaline when bumper cars collide The rapture when you realize that all the food is fried All from two little words It's that roller-coaster feeling Like you gotta scream out loud Or burying your face inside a cotton-candy cloud Or chowing on a corn dog that's extremely well-endowed - [Whistle!] - All from two little words The cooking, the cleaning, the laundry every day The whining, the tantrums, the flu Somehow, it's worth it the moment that they say One little "thank," then one little "you" It's like Being in the spotlight in a glitzy Broadway show And basking in applause like a beloved Broadway pro It's like a standing "O" crossed with the other kind of [High-pitched] "O"! [Normal voice] It's a wow and a hoot and a scream It's a fantasy crossed with a dream And I guess it could very well seem Like a sign of my low self-esteem But I'm throbbing with thanks From my head to my SPANX And it's due to two little - Wooooooooooooords - Throbbing with thanks - Wooooooooooooords - From her head to her SPANX - Wooooooooooooords - Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ahhhh [Song ends] [Panting] [Indistinct conversations, laughter] Let's go home.
ANNA-KAT: That's the game that I won the unicorn at.
GREG: Oh, that one? KATIE: And it's due to two little Wooooooooooooords Try the mark.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I've never dealt with a pony in my life.
[Shouting, laughter] Any notes? So that means "many.
" Line? No, I'll just look at the paper.
I don't have an assistant.
[Laughter] Hold on.
Why am I acting like like a Somebody! Okay, well, why don't we just, um WOMAN: We're rolling.
give some cigars to everybody, some booze - MAN: Yeah! - MAN #2: Yeah! and party on down? We'll take a little while.
"G" to the gizzay, "H" to the hizzo.
[Laughter] ANGELA: On a Westport tray It's the Whaa! MAN: Cut!