American Housewife (2016) s04e08 Episode Script

Women in Business

1 And thank you for your order.
Guess who just made another sale from Mrs.
O's Lasagna.
Mom, you are a killer! I'm so proud to have your blood in my veins.
You, less so.
Hey! Because of me, you're gonna be tall.
And, fun fact, your hair will grow upwards, like a stovepipe.
So, my girlfriend's dad, the cardboard box king - Mm-hmm.
- his brother is the Jar Czar, and I negotiated an amazing deal.
I just cut our overhead in half.
Sorry, Anna-Kat, but my new favorite kid is Oliver.
That's cool.
I had a good run.
Nice to see you guys bonding over the business, and, actually, I'm kind of jealous.
I don't have a similar thing with any of the kids.
We have a thing.
You comb the lice out of my hair.
In second grade.
Hey, I'm trying, Greg.
Katie, where's the milk? Where's a condiment? Where's anything that's not lasagna-related? Sorry, but starting a home business is a lot like having a new baby.
It requires constant attention.
But unlike a baby, you can't leave your home business in an Exersaucer while you play "Candy Crush" on the toilet.
Hey, you, help me wash the pans so I can make some more lasagna.
These don't scrub.
The secret to looking rich is expensive shoes and soft hands.
Touch 'em.
They're like a dolphin's belly.
- Hmm.
- And besides, I don't have time.
Before they let me take calls at Teen Help Line, I have to work on my speaking voice.
Apparently, I have this mocking tone where I come across as unsympathetic.
Some people have a punchable face.
You have a punchable voice.
- No, I don't! - Yes, you do, sweetie.
It goes along with your punchable demeanor.
How's the college application going? I haven't started.
What? These essay questions are too hard! "How have you positively influenced others?" "What is your most significant accomplishment?" [Exhales sharply.]
I'm 18, bruh! My biggest accomplishment is a papier-mâché horse I made in art class.
It has no legs, Taylor.
It's sleeping! I don't care how hard it is.
You're not leaving this house until you finish those questions.
Too bad one of the questions isn't "Which family member is most like Satan?" You compare me to Satan so much, it means nothing.
[Cellphone vibrates, chimes.]
Oh, no.
[Cellphone vibrating, chiming.]
OLIVER: Mom! I see it! The weekly poker tournament just canceled their lasagna order.
Why are all of our clients canceling? Because of these.
We're being flooded with bad Yelp reviews.
"I found a fingernail in my lasagna"? "My son ate Katie's lasagna, and now he's been institutionalized.
Is there a link?" Caitlin Bianca Madison, you're a damn liar! So is Cathy Brenda McCormick.
This one's by Collette Blix-Masters.
All of these are posted by women with the initials CBM.
[Dramatic music plays.]
Chloe Brown Mueller.
This next review will be from Cynthia Barbara Mendelstein.
I'm making this one Jewish for you.
- But I'm not - Yes, you are.
Can I have the high holidays off? No.
04x08 - Women in Business Hey! It sucks that we don't have the same lunch schedule this year.
No one else knows how to make me laugh the way you do.
Plus, you know how to open the milk carton without tearing the drinky part.
Maybe we can ask Principal Ablin if he can change our schedules so we can eat together.
He'll never say yes.
He's had it in for me ever since I said there was no way he was the Phillie Phanatic.
Well, never hurts to try.
Hey, Principal Ablin, can we - No.
- Mm.
I was the Phillie Phanatic.
Yeah, yeah.
- Penny.
You forgot your lunch.
- Thanks, Maria.
You know your mother only wants you to call me "the help" or "sad face.
" Bellissima.
- Hi, Anna-Kat.
- Hi, Maria.
Principal Ablin.
How did that go? Did I ask her out? No, you just stood there looking like someone who needed an EpiPen.
He really likes her.
Maybe we can use this to our advantage.
Principal Ablin.
You know, we can help make Maria your girlfriend.
I don't need your help.
I have mad game.
But just for fun, why don't you tell me what your advice would be? Not so fast.
We're only helping if you allow Franklin and I to have the same lunch period.
- Deal.
- Great! This hunk landed me with a little playful teasing.
It shows that you're funny and comfortable with the person.
Oh, that makes sense.
This was more helpful than my mom's romantic advice "A woman? Really?" Oh.
These reviews are vicious.
This one says Navy SEALs found your lasagna in Osama bin Laden's compound.
I have worked my ass off to grow this business, and now Chloe is cutting it down with a few bad Yelp reviews.
Why is she so determined to destroy your business? I don't know.
Career Day, maybe? Thank you.
Thank you.
Our next speaker is Katie Otto, who is going to talk about her poison-in-a-jar business.
It's lasagna in a jar.
Now, kids, I started my company from scratch, unlike the previous speaker, whose husband bought her a store to keep her busy.
Just like you guys bought this hamster a wheel to run on.
Run, Chloe Brown Hamster! Run! Okay, if you want people to start buying your lasagna again, you need to ask Chloe to take those reviews down.
She'll never do that.
Then your only course of action is to destroy her business in retaliation.
That's the only course of action? Shh.
How? Steal Maria.
You need more help, and Chloe can't survive without her.
Isn't that hitting below the belt? What's wrong with hitting below the belt? It hurts the other person and it's super-funny.
It's how I'm handling my divorce with Richard.
I'm stealing everybody that Richard can't live without his personal assistant, his driver, his pastry chef Oh.
You have a dedicated pastry chef? Yeah.
I mean, who else is gonna bake me fresh croissants that I can take one bite out of, then throw to the swans? Or you could be the bigger person and just let this one go, because you always t You're just waiting for me to stop talking so you can do Doris' plan.
I'm so glad we don't have to play this game anymore.
[Bell jingles.]
Oh, hi, Katie.
One moment.
I'm with a customer.
So, what can I help you with? [Mockingly.]
"So, what can I help you with?" Why are you doing that to me? [Normal voice.]
Because your voice is weird.
But not as weird as your face! So, you free Friday night? No.
Ablin what was that? Uh I-I have no game.
[Door opens.]
So, Maria, are you happy working for Chloe? Every day is like an alligator attack.
Well, I just started my own business.
How would you like to come work for me? - Really? - Mm-hmm.
- Yes.
- [Chuckles.]
Maria! What did I tell you about standing next to mirrors? One of you is bad enough.
I don't need two.
Oh, my God.
Katie Otto's in my store, as well? All I need now is a UTI to make this day complete.
Maria, do you have something you want to say to Chloe? I I quit.
You're supposed to say "I quit.
" [Whispering.]
I quit.
She quits.
And the best part is, she's working for me.
Maria! Maria?! Mariaaaa!! [Knock on door.]
Hey, Dad, um, I know you're working, but do you feel like doing a puzzle with me? I thought you said you were too old for puzzles.
I would never say something like that.
Eh, your exact quote was "I'm not a little girl anymore.
I hate puzzles.
Stop asking and get off my jock.
" Well, it's not about the puzzle.
I just want to spend time with you.
Really? Okay.
Let's bond.
Uh, well, since we're hanging out, um, I have this question I've been meaning to ask you.
What do you think is my most significant accomplishment? Hmm.
That's an interesting question.
I would say Try to keep your answer to 500 words or less.
Oliver, come over here and meet our new employee.
Maria? Hey, there, boss.
Ooh, "boss.
" Goosebumps.
Maria, you don't have to call us "boss.
" And you can make eye contact with us.
Really? And I don't have to tell you how great your hair looks on the hour? Of course not.
Mom why did you hire someone? Our reviews still suck, which means we're not making any money, which means it's the worst time to hire a new employee.
- [Sighs.]
- I can help with the reviews, actually.
I know all of Chloe's passwords, so I can just log in to her accounts and turn them into five stars.
Oliver, she's pulling her weight already.
You're amazing.
[Voice breaking.]
This job it's just so different.
It's okay, Maria.
- You're going to - No, no.
Let me do this.
I need to practice my soothing voice for Teen Help Line.
Hey, Maria? We're happy to have you, and you're doing just great.
Are you being sarcastic? I don't even know.
- Dessert first today? - Good idea.
Let's see how high my blood sugar can go.
Oh, I've missed this.
You two! Your advice was terrible! The deal is off! I've changed your schedule back.
You're late for gym.
Bye, Franklin.
When will I ever see you again? After gym.
This is why you could've never been the Phillie Phanatic.
You have no heart.
Gimme a P! Gimme an H! Gimme an I, L, L, Y! What's that spell? Philly! That proves nothing.
Oh, did someone place a new order? Ever since Maria took down the fake reviews Chloe posted Our clients started coming back.
My baby was sick, and we nursed it back to health.
And that's why Maria's our employee of the month.
Why are you mocking me? I'm doing the best I can.
Dad, you have a gentle voice.
Can you teach me that tone you use to calm Mom down when she finds someone counting to see if she has 10 items or less in her basket? Sorry, son, but that honey timbre doesn't come overnight.
It took years working as a DJ at my college's smooth jazz radio station.
I know you don't think they are, but your stories are so sad.
Oliver, I need you to call the guys from the poker tournament and explain to them what happened with the reviews.
You got it, Mom.
Oliver, please! This is important! I was being sincere! Damn this voice! You know, you're not the only one bonding with our kids.
I hung out with Taylor yesterday all day.
Whoa! Nice job.
First time we talked about really deep issues.
She hung on my every word.
I think at one point, she was even taking notes.
Quick question did you guys also talk about what Taylor has done to make her community a better place? Yes.
How did you know? Because you're getting played.
All of those questions were from her college application.
I think I was just so happy she wanted to hang out with me, I didn't notice.
Well, that is the last time we do a historical jigsaw puzzle together.
That'll show her.
I don't think it will.
Guess who got the lasagna order for the poker tournament back.
- [Vehicle approaches.]
- They even want to put a rush order - on it for tonight.
- Crap! That is a lot of lasagna.
- [Car door closes.]
- Maria, fire up the stove.
[Burner clicking.]
[Clicking stops.]
Something's wrong.
It won't turn on.
Did one of you call the gas company? E-Excuse me.
Why are you putting a lock on our gas line? You were renovating the backyard.
You hit a line, and now you need the gas shut off.
That never happened.
Who called this in, exactly? The homeowner.
"Carmen Bolivar Martinez"? CBM.
You've got to admit, that's the best name yet.
I wanna punch your voice so hard right now.
Listen, there has been a misunderstanding.
I live here, and we don't need the gas shut off.
- But the work order says - I know what it says.
But it's wrong.
- But the work order - It's wrong.
- But the - Don't say it.
- work order - I want to talk to your supervisor.
He's away.
But you can call first thing Monday morning.
Sir, we can't wait that long.
My mom and I run a home business, and we need the gas turned on, or we'll lose a big client.
- But the work order - Where's your offices? Because I'm going to burn them to This is DJ Greg, coming at you to calm you down with a kiss.
Chloe Brown Mueller is messing with my baby, and she's going down.
Mom, your feud with Chloe is hurting our business.
- Ugh! - What's more important? Hurting Chloe or protecting your baby? Right now, hurting Chloe.
Okay, I'm gonna go down to Perfection, and I'm gonna take a bat to her electrical box.
She's gonna send one of my utilities to the hospital? I send one of hers to the morgue.
"Untouchables" reference.
I got it, boss.
So funny.
Maria, you don't have to laugh at my jokes.
That's not a joke.
[Laughs louder.]
Oh, man.
You are damaged.
[Laughter fades.]
Hey, Maria, now that you're working here, maybe I should get to know you a little bit.
- Mm.
- What do you look for in a fella? Anna-Kat, that is a personal question.
But now that it's out there, let's spill some tea.
What do you look for in a man? I guess I'm attracted to someone who isn't afraid to share what makes them special.
As long as your definition of "special" is pretty flexible, I can work with that.
KATIE: What is she up to? If she were my first kid, I'd dig into that, but she's number three.
I'm just gonna sit here and hope for the best.
Hey, Dad! I thought you could teach me how that old laminator of yours works.
Sounds like a hoot, huh? You know, I was thinking, I'd like to revise my answer to the question "What word best describes you?" Okay.
I'd say "manipulative," "deceitful," "self-serving.
" Wait a minute.
That's all bad stuff, right? I know you only hung out with me so you could pump me for your college application answers.
I was spending quality time with you, and you were using me! [Sighs.]
Okay, fine, I tricked you.
But come on.
I only have one question left.
Forget it, Taylor.
You can't slack off and expect me to bail you out.
But I wasn't slacking off! I've been trying to answer these stupid questions for the past three months, but I froze up because I finally really want something.
Carnegie Mellon is perfect for me.
When I'm on stage, it's the only time I'm not afraid to show people the real me.
And I realized singing is the thing I care about the most.
And if you don't help me, I'll never get in! And why are you smiling? - That's it.
- What? What you just said was the perfect answer to the last question "Why do you want to attend Carnegie Mellon?" - Really? - Yes! It's honest and true and so much better than anything I could've come up with.
[Exhales sharply.]
I'm gonna write this down.
But afterwards, we could maybe use your laminator and laminate things.
I know you're only saying that because you feel guilty, but let's push this baby to the limit.
[Bell jingles.]
Carmen Bolivar Martinez, show yourself! [Door closes.]
- Hello, Mother.
- Oliver? What are you doing here? Your feud was ruining our business, so I reached out to Chloe to broker a truce.
The one child we planned turns on me! Mom sit down, please.
Chloe, you, too.
Thank you.
Now, in order to end this, we need to get to the root of your issues with each other.
Why exactly are you mad at my mom? Because she's the suckiest suck that ever sucked.
This stupid battle is hurting your business, too.
Okay, fine.
Your mother went too far on Career Day.
You started it.
You said my lasagna was poison.
You said my store was a vanity project paid for by my husband.
And why did that make you so mad? Because it's not true! I easily could have asked him, but I didn't, [Voice breaking.]
because I wanted it to be truly mine.
Do you know I started going to small craft fairs, meeting artists and developing relationships? And then I spent years selling their work at a kiosk at the Stanford Mall.
- You were a mall kiosk lady? - It was hell.
But I persevered, and I finally saved up enough money to open my own place.
Perfection isn't a vanity store.
It's my baby.
I didn't know.
Mom, is it possible that you pre-judged Chloe as a typical Westport housewife? I guess I did.
So, that means I was wrong.
Chloe, I didn't mean to mess with your baby.
I'm sorry for stealing Maria away from you.
Well, I'm sorry for messing with your baby, too.
I know how hard it is to start a business.
We need to be supporting each other.
Maybe I'll buy a jar of your lasagna and eat it over a four-year period.
Maybe I will buy a trinket from your store.
That's $800.
You'll let me know when you're having a "100% off" sale.
Would you mind if Maria came back to work for me? Sure.
I'm not an object you can barter and trade.
I am a human being.
Oh, my God! What have you done to her? Working for Katie has taught me that I have value.
All right, well, what do I have to do to get you back? I could give you a raise? And I don't want to give you a piggyback ride to your car after pedicures.
You don't like that? That was our thing! Mnh-mnh.
You can start today.
Tomorrow morning.
Ugh! Okay.
But I have to tell you that this self-esteem is a very ugly color on you.
So, this feud is over? Feud over.
Feud over.
Nice job, Oliver.
I think you found your soothing voice.
I guess I did.
I think it's because there was money on the line.
I just have to lock in this feeling and apply it to stupid stuff, like people's problems.
[Doorbell rings.]
I'll get it! She's here.
You ready? I brought what makes me special.
Hey, guys! Look who decided to come over and hang! It's my principal! [Chuckles.]
Hey, Ottos.
Principal Ablin.
What are you doing here? I wanted to apologize to Maria for how I acted the other day.
Those slams don't belong anywhere except the main stage at the Apollo.
So, I brought you a gift.
It's uh me.
I made it from memory.
I've been a woodworker ever since I was a kid.
It's kind of what makes me special.
It's pretty cool, actually.
So, Maria, I was wondering if you'd ever like to, uh, you know, go on a, um date with me.
That sounds fun.
- Yes! - Huzzah! This is a man who's in charge of thousands of children.