Arrested Development s04e14 Episode Script

Off the Hook

It was Tres de Cinco, or the day before Cinco de Cuatro, and Buster Bluth had finally found a family he fit in with.
Where's Mother? Way to go.
Way to go.
I know you've been down today, so I brought you this.
They're for Cinco.
In case you wanted to make confetti out of something other than the pictures that they sell of the chubby Linda Ronstadt.
I am so blessed to have you in my life.
I'm so blessed to have you in my life.
Just six weeks ago, I was a hot mess.
I was desperate for a mother, and I don't think I could admit it.
As you'll see, he admits it plenty.
But now look at me.
I'm with a beautiful, elegant woman! And I think we should take it to the next level.
Buster had come a long way since his fear of boats -was conquered -baby.
and then rekindled, only to find himself facing a bigger fear.
Come on! But his biggest fear wasn't confronting a wet, loose seal, it was losing one.
Wait! She doesn't have her makeup! I have her lipstick! Mother! - Michael.
- Yeah, it's a tough one because there's about 400 witnesses that are ready to throw her underneath the boat.
I don't think I can even help.
Buster was distraught, and made some foolish mistakes.
- Hey, Lupe.
- Buster.
Like this.
Are you going to be all right? You want me to stay? I was planning to visit with my family.
No, and just watch.
Mother is going to come waltzing through that door any day now, and she is going to be screaming, "Make sure you frisk that girl before" I'll be fine.
- That's my perfume.
- Good.
Okay, good.
She wouldn't wear that.
When his father didn't return, either, Buster stuck to his daily routine.
You're welcome.
Laying out Mother's clothes.
All right.
The vodka goes in, you pour it in the other Making Mother's breakfast.
The olive on top and then you call your Mother.
This is bugging me.
And amusing himself with little jokes he thought she'd appreciate.
Except for the hair.
You have reduced.
Well, you're not that skinny.
Welcome home, chubs.
You will kill me for that.
And I don't want that blood on my hands.
And with his mother gone, it was nice to get a chance to use the sewing machine.
Still, he found ways to feel good about himself.
"Buster, you always come through.
" Mother, that's so nice.
"No, no, no, I mean it.
It's amazing work.
" But he knew it wasn't real.
Okay, I need to stop, or I'm going to be committed.
At first.
What? But that would take hours.
This is going to be just stunning.
You are always so right.
And then the waiter came back, and he said, "I'm sorry.
Who are you?" And I said, "I'm Buster Bluth.
That's the fourth time I've told you.
" Soon, he had run out of food that he knew how to make.
But everywhere he looked, he found mocking reminders of the woman he lost.
He did find some supplies from one of his mother's "I can quit any time " stints.
But the emotional lift was temporary.
And before long, things had gotten weird.
Put the olive on top and you set it down for Mother.
To an uninformed observer, it looked a little like that Vince Vaughn movie, Psycho.
I agree.
Dancing with the Stars has gone completely downhill.
"This pasta's way overcooked, Buster! " Well, you didn't leave me the simplest recipe, Mother.
Finally, Lucille was released under house arrest, and everything returned to normal.
I was just thinking about you.
Now, the story of a family whose future was abruptly canceled, and the one son who had no choice but to keep himself together.
It's Buster's Arrested Development.
Buster was passing time with Lucille Chinchilla ! by playing games like Guess the Fur.
The one you got after Dad had the affair with the chubby intern from Riverside.
You win again, Buster.
I know what's going to stump you.
Close your eyes tight and plug your ears.
Just plug one ear and press the other one to the couch.
But after three months of being cooped up with her youngest son Mother! Stop! Mother! Lucille was growing restive.
No, Mother! If the alarm goes off and they catch you, they'll take you away forever! I can't take it anymore.
I have to get out of here! I don't care.
I can't keep playing Guess My Fur six times a day.
I need a smoke.
Right to the smokes, huh? Give me a minute.
Let me catch my breath.
And Buster refined a testimony that was meant to spare Lucille from jail at a legal defense strategy meeting it's gonna be an eel! slash graduation party.
Congratulations, Mother.
You've managed to combine people's fear of homosexuals and eels into one alibi.
And he'll be wearing his Army uniform so I can pretend I'm proud of him again.
I couldn't find my Army uniform.
Oh! But I thought the jury might like it if I show up as John-John Kennedy.
Yeah, that went over great last time.
And it was offensive.
Half your testicle was hanging out of that thing.
Good! I'm glad they saw it.
It was like a Motherboy Ball, right? - Hi.
- Hi.
Put on your new uniform, with long pants.
And keep your ball joke to yourself, Andrew Dice Clay.
So you can see why I need the testimony of someone who's not a hot mess.
- You're a hot mess! - You're a hot mess! Let me get this straight.
You won't let me help with your case And the night before the trial, tensions had only gotten worse.
You need me just as much as I need you, cookie.
Really? Because you can be replaced, you know.
Can she? And even if you can't, you're not the boss of me.
Can I go to I'm going to the park! Buster! Hello.
Hello to you, too, 2.
Look at all this produce.
I'm juicing now.
Would you like to join me? It's 2:00 in the afternoon.
Honey, it's 8:00 a.
I forgot.
Your mother wouldn't allow it.
I don't care what she wants.
Don't care what she wants.
I don't do everything she tells me.
Let's get juiced.
The next morning, Buster awoke with a vicious juice hangover.
Well, that was a freebie.
Mother's trial.
Key witness! Key witness coming through.
I'm a key I was making two ban Late last night, it was drizzling rain I'm a key witness.
Is it over? No, no, the grab-a-crab fest just started.
Grab-a-crab? Ma'am, is there a verdict in the "My mother stole the Queen Mary" thing? It's all up on the dailies board.
- Dailies? What? - Clam The fish is frozen here! It's frozen! Do you really want to spend $30 on frozen fish? Buster! Where were you? This is all your fault.
No, I was making a ban I was making two ban Save it.
I can smell the cran-apple on you from here.
When are you coming home? I'm serving three to five.
Like the saltless pie? I hope your juicy blender bender was worth it.
Don't come to visit me because I won't see you! And good luck with your night terrors.
Now no one will be there to hear your screams! Won't miss it! Where do I go? What do I do? Where'd you get the pirate hat? Where do I go? And so Buster went back to the penthouse, feeling guilty and alone.
And he couldn't bear to relive the time he was there without Lucille before.
I can't go through another two days like that.
And that's how Buster decided to make another go at making another go at Lucille 2.
My mother's gone away, and I thought, you've always been like a Girlfriend.
Not what I was gonna say.
Anyways, I was over there, and my friend's over here, and I thought, maybe I should just move in, because I love to hear all about your medications and ailments and whatnot.
Is that baby toe of yours still crawling over the others like a weird weed? Buster, how sweet of you to remember.
It's one of my night terrors.
But listen, Buster, before I invite you into my arms, my bedroom, my bathtub with the railing, I have to ask you something.
Are you sure you're ready for this? So, that pretend kid's bedroom, is that not an option? No, that room is all storage now, honey.
So, yes or no? Are you ready to let go of your mother? Buster thought he was, although there was one ominous sign.
I am ready for that, Lucille.
Did you hear it? Wait.
Did you just drop the "2" after my name? I hope not.
That would be creepy.
Before you accidentally skip back too far and wind up in the middle of the Maeby episode, trust me, no "2" was spoken.
Every day, Buster visited the prison where his mother was incarcerated.
Buster Bluth and pie for his Lucille Bluth.
And every day, she refused to see him.
She doesn't want to see you.
He even pretended to be an old college flame of Lucille's to gain admittance.
Alex Trebek? She then rephrased it in the form of a question.
Who is Alex Trebek? Buster.
No, Buster.
Do you have a pie or a small sponge cake available? - Thank you.
- Here you go.
And while his days were spent trying to get his mother to love him Ooh, Buster! You're just in time.
his nights were consumed with getting his lover to mother him.
I hope you are in the mood for a hot tomato.
Soup? With little grilled cheese sandwiches on the side.
- Buster, that was innuendo.
- Oh.
My Lord, it's like we're speaking different languages here.
No, it's not.
It is working.
I'm getting hungry.
For love? No, is this another one of those nights where nothing is as it seems and there's no cream pie for dessert? Holy Toledo, Buster, sometimes I think I'm nothing but a Horn & Hardart to you.
What happened to innuendo? Let's do it quick.
It's an old restaurant.
Oh! A restaurant! I don't care if it's old! Look who I'm dating! Let's go there.
Let's go there now.
Buster, you can either be a son or a lover.
And right now, you're no good to me as a lover.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe this has been wrong from the start.
- So, Mom.
- Out.
And since he couldn't bear to go back to the penthouse Out! If tomorrow, you don't open up and let someone else in Buster needed to raise some money.
then the treasures you have inside This is my Motherboy Four medal.
That's when I was a kangaroo in her pouch.
What'll you give me for it? But Buster wasn't the first Motherboy to hit hard times.
What will you give me for these? All-time low.
And that's when Buster found inspiration.
She certainly looks proud of her son.
I'm back! As it turned out, Buster returned on the very day the Army policy regarding sexual orientation had changed.
- Are you gay? - No.
- You can tell me.
- I'm not.
It's okay.
Drew, tell him.
- I'm gay.
- Oh.
Peter's gay.
Sergeant Melnick's gay.
Sorry, he's bi.
No, I'm going home for the day.
I'm gay.
Yeah, it really makes no difference to us.
We'll find something for you.
I was looking for something.
You said "something," right? And that's how Buster officially reenlisted in the Army.
And it's why, six months later Lucille Bluth.
Lucille Bluth got some bad news.
Yes? I'm here to see you about your son.
This is a ploy.
He's trying to get me to see him.
How do I know you're really in the Army? Who did Larry Kert replace in Company? I don't know.
I know who he thought he was replacing, and it was Dean Jones.
But he didn't come close.
My Buster? And Lucille rushed to the hospital.
What happened? Where's my son? Mrs.
Bluth, your son went down while piloting a plane over Afghanistan.
My God.
He deserves a big hand for that and we gave him one.
I'm afraid, besides that, there's nothing we can do.
Hi, Mother.
Well, you look fine.
The doctor said you went down while piloting a plane over Afghanistan.
Yeah, that plane was in Afghanistan.
It seems the Army had taken advantage of Buster's childlike interest in games.
This is so much more fun than Guess the Fur.
And his childlike inability to distinguish between games and reality.
Oh! So they set him up as a drone pilot here.
Want to go to lunch, Private Bluth? Not till I take out the hospital! I tell you, this kid's amazing.
If I had him back in the '60s, Cuba would be the 51 st state.
You're not gonna get away from me, little nurse! Ah! He had been playing for 47 straight hours.
Take that, Taliban wedding! But like anyone who plays video games for too long, he started to make mistakes.
Hey, Bluth, you just took out an art museum in Madrid.
You can go to Spain in this thing? Maybe you should take a break.
You could've hurt some innocent people.
Innocent people? You mean I've been hurting guilty people? Oh! But Buster was a peaceful man.
- God! - Pilot down! It was the kind of emergency that the drone pilot paramedics had long been waiting for.
I got a man down! Sorry we're late.
Some kid swallowed an eye at the Build-A-Bear.
Why do they have us at a mini-mall? It was the first known injury to a drone pilot and the Army took it seriously.
Apparently, no one told him that they were real planes.
If this guy comes after us, they could pull funding for the whole program.
So, how do we buy off ol' One Arm? First we gotta find something he needs.
Well, we do have the bionics program.
Ice cream.
Maybe we shouldn't be discussing this here.
Yeah, I think we're at those kids' table.
So you fell out of a chair, and for this, the government gives you applause? No, a big hand.
I thought I recognized that little son of a bitch.
This is why you can't keep a job at one hospital! Why does it have to be so big? Well, they said the miniaturization comes later.
I mean, you remember how big your first cell phone was.
That was a phone.
This looks like you're pointing to a place that buys your gold.
I haven't learned how to control it.
They're gonna work with me.
So you had me come out here under false pretenses? You wouldn't come here any other way! You haven't seen me in a year.
It's why I went to Army, to win you back.
You have to forgive me! It's not about forgiving you.
- Although I don't.
- Huh.
You need to grow up, Buster, because I can't take care of you anymore.
I need to get away, get away.
You're hopelessly hopeless, Buster.
It's as if they wrote that song for my own son.
I'm glad you have a new hand.
But you need to find someone else to hold it.
Tell the prison limo to come around! Fine! I got my own family now! Army! And they want me! - You guys want me, right? - Oh, yeah.
They're not gonna invest this kind of money without wanting you for keeps.
Once you learn how to use that thing, they're going to turn you into a killing monster.
Monster? This doesn't make me look sexy.
Throw it out.
Well, that explains the photo shoot.
And so Buster began a rehab program he was terrified to succeed at.
Open the cabinet, please.
Too hard.
Uh, I think that was too hard.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Let's just grab that toothpaste.
- Use your new hand.
- Okay.
Oh! - I got some on you.
- Uh Yeah.
You did get some on me.
Too hard? Buster seemed slow to master the challenges.
Yeah, that's That's on her.
He got a little it was too hard.
I think it was, as well.
Let's go ahead and fast-forward through the commercials.
Okay, that's too fast Okay, stop.
Well, there's Jon Cryer.
Stop! That's Jon Cryer! Well, look at that.
We're back at the Progressive insurance lady.
I'm better off just watching the commercials! - Don't say that.
But behind the two-way mirror, hope wasn't in abundance.
Hope this guy likes the music acts on Saturday Night Live because he's gonna be watching a lot of them.
How many remotes do we have? That was the only one.
There's seven monitors here, we have one remote.
Do we have anybody from Pinky Team? Guys, he can't do this! And around week five, the Army finally realized that Buster was in no hurry to leave.
Ah! I blew it again! I'll never do it right! I'm a monst Do you have any ice cream? Maybe it would work with ice cream.
And now he wants ice cream.
He's using us.
Yeah, it might be time for the Q-test.
The Q-test? I'm sorry, we're running behind with your testing, Buster.
We'll just be a few more minutes.
And it was then that Gunner learned why it was called the Q-test.
Aren't you the cutest? Now, he can't see us at all, that's correct? I know! - Why wouldn't he be able to see us? - You looking around? Because it's a mirror.
No, it's a window.
Okay, let's take it down.
I know.
I know Send in the authority figure.
- Hi.
How are you managing with that hand, soldier? -- Uh Buster was being discharged from the Army.
So, where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do? I have nowhere to live.
You should've thought about that before you let that cat live.
And that's when he met Ophelia Love.
I'm sorry.
The devoted wife of the candidate Herbert Love I have nowhere to go.
who was on a tour of the Veterans' Hospital.
Excuse me.
You're a veteran and you have nowhere to go? It's not Army's fault.
I'm a monster.
And what makes you think you're a monster? What do you see when you look at this? I see a veteran whose hand I'd like to shake.
Not that one.
I think you should meet my husband.
We may have something for you.
Perfect! Wait, you didn't say "nothing," did you? Something.
" Got it.
Look how big his hand is.
But Herbert would be less enthusiastic.
And you want him to live with us? Well, he's a vet, Herbert.
And you yourself said you need something to compete with the woman you're running against.
Lucille 2 had recently adopted a Hispanic boy named Perfecto.
And since you're never around, I mean, he could help me with the boys.
It's like that movie The Blind Side.
I suppose we could use a Blind Side monster.
Well, we shouldn't call him a monster.
That's why I love you, Ophelia.
You've got a heart as big as that Blind Side monster's hand.
And so it was decided Buster was to stay with the Love family.
He's fine.
He's fine.
- Welcome to the family.
- Oh! He'd founda home at last.
- Oh! - Oh.
In the following weeks, Buster came in handy to the entire Love family.
Helping the boys at school.
This table is for National Honor Society members only.
Really? Well, what about these two guys? Were they invited? Light Drizzle and Thunder.
- What? - See, Light Drizzle will just annoy you.
But, you see, Thunder will F you up! This got the attention of Perfecto Telles, vice president of the student anti-bullying squad.
Buster even received a badge from an undercover cop who was posing as a teacher.
You're never too old to stand up to a bully.
Whether he's an attention hog who looks just like you, or whether he's half your size.
Ah! He used his finely-honed skills as a doting son to give the long-neglected Ophelia some much-deserved attention.
Pour in the liquor.
Don't want the boys to see.
You throw in some cola.
Got a Coke and Hennessy! Just for you, Mother Love.
Buster You are the most considerate man I've ever met.
Oh, stop! You're embarrassing me! And sweet and No, I'm serious.
Stop, stop.
But your other hand is waving me on.
Is that going again? I think it's on demo.
Do you have a pencil or a paper clip? And he helped Herbert on the campaign trail.
Let me show you what a government handout looks like.
Hold your government hand out.
Yeah! And let's give freedom from government a big thumbs-up! Although he hadn't achieved complete mastery.
- Come on, Buster, dance! - I don't want to dance.
Come on, dance, Buster! Buster was enjoying his new role as a symbol of government waste.
It's like I said about contraception.
If you want me to pay for her diaphragm, I get to put my hand in her Shoe! Nice stop, Blind Side monster.
Blind Side Buster.
And he was feeling more confident every day.
Give him a big hand back! Arguably, too confident.
Hey! Although, after this appearance, he spent a lot less time with Herbert.
And a lot more time with Ophelia.
Which is what led to this.
That's funny, no smoke came out.
Smoke? - Wait, what just happened? - This.
Okay, okay, okay.
So you don't think that the next level is adult adoption, do you? Come on, Buster.
You've been flirting with me since day one.
What? Bringing me these flowers, offering to undress me.
What about the singing? Sealed with a Kiss through the door while I bathed? Right.
Mother stuff.
I mean, you're married.
What is this? That is my husband, with a prostitute.
I've worn a captain's hat with someone who had hair like that.
But I can't.
I mean, you're like a mother to me.
You can either be a son or a lover to me.
And I already have two sons.
And perhaps it was the fear that she'd throw him out, or he finally did grow up, but that night, Buster acted like a man.
After spending the night with Ophelia Love, Buster proudly went to visit his mother.
I came here to thank you.
You were trying to push me out of the nest, and you were right.
Really? Yes.
I've grown.
And I'm in love.
Hamster or turtle? No, Mother.
Hamsters are gross.
it's a female.
Female human.
Whole thing.
So your parental responsibilities are complete.
I no longer need you.
Well, you don't have to go that far.
I'm not a mother boy anymore.
I'm a mother man.
Use your good hand.
Guards! And on his way back to his new love, Buster ran into Michael, who was trying to get the life story rights from one of the few remaining family members he hadn't thrown out of the movie.
- What about Mom? - I have her, but I'm about to throw it in her face when I see her, and I can't go to my son.
Well, I have nothing to be ashamed about.
I'm in love.
And do you want to hear something so surprising? She started out as my mother figure.
Not surprising.
Andhe returnedback to his love nest to tell Ophelia the goodnews.
I'm out of the thing! How did yours go? It's over.
I talked to Herbert, I told him -everything about us, and it's over.
- Mmm.
I know it's scary.
I just got out of a long relationship, too.
But I'm here for you.
And, girl, I ain't going nowhere.
I need you to leave.
So let's get it on Wait, what's happening? He wants to try to change.
He wants a second chance, and I want to give it to him.
What So you were just using me to hurt him? Yes.
Thank you.
But what about me? What happens to me? I certainly can't go back to you as my mother.
After I've zipped down, you can't expect me to zip up! I know that.
But you have to leave.
No, I'm okay with the mothering.
I mean, he had you first, I'm here to stay.
It's just a little mother/son bump in the road.
Mother, I ain't going nowhere.
Your hand is broken again.
No, it's just my heart.
It's my hand, too, actually.
I'm sorry, Buster.
Buster was blindsided.
Ophelia ! Tell me this.
Who is a better lover? - He is.
- He is.
What about son? Buster was hurt.
And perhaps that's why he a vailed himself to the photos of Herbert and the prostitute.
And Buster, furious, decided to expose Herbert himself.
But not before using the wrong hand to punch a picture of Herbert.
Stupid Buster Unfortunately, it was the night of Cinco, and no one was home to find him.
Buster came to and rushed to Cinco to share the photos with Herbert Love's political enemy, when he ran into Tobias, who enlisted Buster's help for a musical that was becoming less fantastic every minute.
But I've got to find Lucille 2, I've got to give her pictures.
I don't know the songs.
It's prerecorded.
You're a monster, you don't have to be any good.
What? Now just go Thing your heart out and don't be put off by the freakishly large What? God! Okay, well, good.
Then just the one glove will do, and Perfecto! As fate would have it, Perfecto Telles was also in need of a monster.
He's a bully.
So I want you to bad-cop him for me a little, okay? Yeah, yeah.
And that's when he heard his name.
Perfecto! And he's a real bully.
He's taking money from this innocent young high school girl.
I don't think I can help you.
I don't want to be a monster anymore.
Can't you just show him a little Thunder? Just to scare him a bit? And that's when Buster saw the woman he'd come for.
I'm sorry.
I have to take care of something.
Lucille 2.
I've been looking for you.
Buster! You look different.
Something's happened to you.
I've been with a black woman.
I was talking about your hand.
This huge thing? Yeah, it's new.
Of course, the week after I got it, the six came out.
You can play a flute with that one.
It comes with a flute! But I'm not here about that.
I'm here about this.
What is this? Just pictures of Herbert Love with a lady of the night.
And he's gotten himself in some pretty hot ham water this time.
I want you to humiliate him and win the election.
That's my wig.
Buster, this is priceless.
Why are you giving it to me? Because I want to hurt him.
I've never known you to want to hurt anybody.
Well, I hurt my mother, didn't I? I missed her trial, and she cut me out of her life.
- But I'm over that! - Really? Then you have me to thank for that.
- What do you mean? - Buster.
You think missing her trial was an accident? - Yes.
- Buster, I helped you with that.
Although "helped" might not be the best description of what she did.
In fact, she'd been laying in wait for him.
Buster! Hello! And once she'd gotten Buster into the apartment, she eschewed the all-natural juice for the kind with cartoon animals and riddles on the box.
The type Buster had been known to have a weakness for.
Thank you.
And soon, the partying was off the hook, with Buster drinking right out of the box.
This is just like Mother's Day Eve! This is brilliant! Although, at one point, he did have something close to an insight.
I mean, how do you miss a sign like that? I was tinkling! You kept me from Mother? You sent her to prison? And this whole time, I thought about getting back together with you.
Well, you're a little late, honey.
I've been dating your father for the past couple of weeks.
Buster was in a whirl.
Confused and betrayed, he wanted topunch something.
Which is why he went here.
Hey! I need to punch something! Even if it is a poor little donkey.
But it wasn't that kind of donkey punch.
I need some juice.
Perhaps uno más, senor, to feed to the fishes? Gene Parmesan.
This is not my real job.
And that's when Buster heard his target.
I got to go up and give my speech.
You! Hey, it's the Blind Side monster.
And so he blindsided him and became one.
And it was amidst the rampaging of the blowback that a juiced-up Buster noticed something horrifying.
Oh, no.
I'm in the movie.
Oh, no.
Buster tries to cover his tracks.
- Hey, nephew! New hand.
it's cool.
That's cool.
You know that super-duper privacy software you have? Does that work on security cameras? Of course, yeah.
Works on everything.
May I borrow it? One second.
Here you go, Uncle Buster.
I put it on a hard drive for you.
Just please be careful with it.
Of course, of course.
You got one with a case? Hey, Carl.
Buster! And Buster visits a Balboa Towers guard he'd known for many years for an impromptu lesson on how their footage is gathered and stored.
May I use your phone? But when Carl steps away, Buster goes into action and attempts to Fakeblock the footage.
Oh, sounds like it's working.
- Buster.
- Hey, Carl.
- Everything okay? - Mm-hmm.
- Bye, Carl.
- Bye-bye, Buster.
What she did to this boy.