Arrested Development s05e12 Episode Script

Check Mates

1 After a wonderful adventure with his son Why did we come here? Oscar felt he could run no more.
- I have a confession.
- Oh.
You're not a fugitive wanted for killing Lucille 2.
And you're not on the run.
I was just telling you that because I've just enjoyed being with you so much, and, um Sorry.
- I have a confession of my own to make.
- Huh? I also knew we were not being looked for.
I went along with it because I I I wanted to spend some more time with you.
All right.
All right, well, then go on inside and sign out, and, uh, let's continue the adventure.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
- But while I'm gone - Yeah? Pick what you want to do when we get back.
Here's your choices: lay down inside, get scared of the dark inside, or play hide-and-go-seek inside.
This shouldn't take too long.
I hope you don't mind waiting for me.
- Hey, I ain't going nowhere.
- Okay.
Oh, and one more thing.
I don't like the smell of marijuana or your behavior when I've caught you, so it's me or the weed.
Hello! Outside, outside, outside, outside, outside, outside, outside Now, the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together.
It's Arrested Development.
George and Lucille were finally having dinner with their wall investors, and they were waiting for the right opportunity to lie about why they couldn't build it.
I'd just like to thank you for joining us for dinner.
The least we can do is pick up the check.
You have burned so many phones talking to us.
And to many, - many more burnings.
- Ganbei.
- Ganbei.
- Oh, that voice.
Well, shall we conclude the pleasantries and move on to business? Okay, so as you probably heard, our daughter, - Lindsay, lost the election.
- Ah, that's right, and her opponent Sally Sitwell is very anti-wall.
We pleaded with her and asked her to support it, but she won't do it.
- So, our hands are tied.
- That's right.
So, unfortunately, we we, uh, are unable to build the wall.
So unfortunate.
Okay.
Done.
Hey, is this music to you guys? I mean, do you really hear this as music? But Ms.
Sitwell has publicly supported the construction of the wall.
Technically, yes, but you see, uh, on the flip side of that We did not expect you to know that.
We're upset.
Caught in a lie, George Sr.
had no choice Look, we invested your money.
That's the truth.
but to tell a lie - with the word "truth" in it.
- And, uh, we can get it for you right now.
I mean, just like that, but, um, you know what? - We We were thinking - Wouldn't they rather wait until the investment comes to fruition? We want the wall.
We'll pass on the fruition.
Well, but, the banks are closed, you know, tomorrow being the seventh.
Take a little fruition.
We'll talk in a couple of days.
- Oh, that's good.
- No, we won't.
You will hear from our people.
Oh, please, please sit down.
Please, can we just sit down? All right? Wait, I cannot believe I'm gonna do this, um I want to tell you the truth, which is what my son insisted we do from the start.
The doctors give him three months to - We spent all your money.
- What did you lie? We bought the land on the border with your money.
I mean, at least we thought we did, and we were gonna sell it back to the United States for a profit, and we weren't gonna tell you.
But guess what? We We bought We bought the wrong land.
And then, the the Romneys came.
Uh, not the regular ones; the Mexican Romneys.
- We have Romneys.
- Mm-hmm.
- Go on.
- Then we spent every last dime we had trying to get our idiot daughter elected.
Who, by the way, has completely disappeared.
So even if she had won, she couldn't have helped.
And we've been lying to you for months.
Honesty's good.
And my wife is leaving me, and I don't know what to do.
And I think she's [BLEEP] a surfer, and I can't get hard.
That is more than enough honesty.
- Oh, noodle stab.
I mean - We had no idea how humiliating your circumstances were.
It is very important for our partners, even in great failure, to remain honorable and save face.
We'd like to offer you the opportunity to once again experience dignity by making a monetary gift to your family.
And that's when the honesty unexpectedly paid off.
Perhaps $3 million will suffice for removing some shame.
Three million dollars.
I mean, that gets Whew.
That gets gets rid of a lot of lot of shame.
I mean, there would still be shame.
Yeah, I mean, we had shame walking in the door, but, I mean, wow Is there a bank account we can wire the money to that would avoid unwanted attention for you? The Bluths had such an account.
Oh, yeah, uh That's She's got that.
And back at the office, Michael got off on his son's floor, - which he claimed was a - Whoops! Force of habit.
Hey, Fakeblock.
It's not the paycheck guy.
Don't worry about it.
Only to discover some very disgruntled Fakeblock employees.
Hey, Maeby.
- Hey.
- Hi, there.
Hey, what's with the games? The new president seems to think it's good for morale.
We'd rather get paid.
The new president gave you checks.
- You just can't, uh, cash 'em.
- You hired a president? Yeah, we had to, in order to put the company on the market.
But the guy I got is kind of an expert at creating the illusion of success.
Please don't tell me that you made Gob the president.
Did somebody wonder if somebody else made Gob the president? I wonder.
Catchphrase could use some pruning.
What are you doing? I thought my son was president.
No, he's chief technical officer.
The president goes with the company when we sell.
I'm all for selling Gob, but I thought I talked him out of that.
Can I talk to George Michael? Is he here? George Michael? Who's that? He's a singer, I think.
Like, a gay one.
And, you know, you can't convert that away, but yeah, I think that guy is a singer.
Do we have Internet? Uh, sorry, George Maharis.
No, I'm not George Maharis.
George Michael is George Maharis, and he's in your old office.
- Oh.
Thank you.
- Don't know.
Once you're gay, you're gay, Michael! God, Michael's so stupid.
Everybody's gonna see.
Hi.
Hey.
I'm sure you're busy.
I said I'd never do this.
- No, it's just - Am I interrupting? Uh, sorry.
It's You know how deadlines are - with this stuff.
It's tight.
- Sure.
You're selling the company? I thought the free office space would help.
No, it's just, we have so many expenses that I don't know how I'm gonna pay the staff.
- Mm-hmm.
- I've gone through this three times.
I'm just I gotta get smart.
- Well, hey, can't you get an intern? - No, I keep getting Catwoman.
- What's that? - It's the thread-count question.
It's gotta be the thread-count question.
Well, you lost me there.
Hey, you can't give up.
'Cause we just talked about this.
Bluth boys, we never give up.
And I hope that this isn't about Rebel.
I think it is a big mistake to take her money.
She's your girlfriend, not a business partner.
No, I agree.
I'm not I'm not gonna do that.
Definitely not.
Because I'm a long way from making this thing work.
I can't afford to keep this thing running for another year, and that's how long it could take.
I'll lose the employees, and then I'll never get a buyer.
I just don't think I can save it.
Oh, boy.
Listen, I'm sure I'm not one to talk.
I finally got Mom and Dad to admit they've screwed the company with that ridiculous wall project.
But it's over.
Some things are just they're they're beyond saving.
Even if I did, they wouldn't be able to admit it.
I mean, they just do not appreciate what I do.
I just think it's too bad that I'm not gonna be able to run the family business with my son.
We could've brought this thing into the 21st century.
It would've been fun.
It sure would've been fun.
Hey.
I got you an office-warming gift.
I guess now it's an office-closing gift, but take a look at this.
Your first paycheck at the banana stand.
Look at that.
Oh, I just wanted to frame up the the first one as a reminder of the value of a an honest day's work.
It's funny, I don't remember getting - a paycheck from - You didn't.
No, I couldn't give this to you because you were underage.
In fact, I couldn't pay you, period, as an employee without getting in trouble with the government.
I think we had you coded as a topping.
No, in fact, where is it? There it is, right there.
"Payment of two drums of dried George Michael.
" - "A cocoa-based, non-digestive " - "Colorant.
" - I used to love those.
- Yeah.
I still do, kiddo.
Well, maybe we're gonna end up together in the banana stand someday.
Mm.
Well, there's always money in the banana stand.
- Right.
- Where is that from? - Is that from something? - It's the only part of the business - that always turned a profit.
- Right.
Well, I know it did.
Although, I just I went through the books recently, and I did not see any income from the banana stand.
- Wouldn't have been much.
- Right, but it would've been something.
They would've had to have kept it.
Let me see that check again.
- That is not our banana logo, is it? - No.
- Guess that's the bank's logo? - No.
That's an island.
This is a check from the Cayman Islands.
It appeared there was at least one account Michael hadn't been privy to.
I'll tell you what, it feels good to finally hold this check in my hands.
- Just symbolically, after - George Michael, that check - Rip it up? - No.
But, uh, give it to me.
It's not even for you.
It's for toppings.
George and Lucille, meanwhile, were celebrating their success with the Chinese.
You were brilliant.
Wow.
Three million dollars.
When Michael says honesty pays, he was right.
Three million! Oh, hey.
How'd it go? - What are you doing here? - Oh, I asked him to come.
Dusty's an expert on Orient Uh - Asian inscrutability.
- Very good.
- So it went good? - Oh.
Excellent.
We told them we lost all their money, and they gave us $3 million.
So, uh, what's the proper Asian response to that? - You can't keep it.
- What? You're supposed to give it back.
That way, you can save face.
I lost this face when I was 65.
I'm keeping the money.
They didn't give it to you as a gift.
They gave it to you as a chance to regain your pride.
If you keep the money, they'll be mildly displeased and probably seek a merciless revenge.
But if you give it back to them, see, that's it, you're out.
Hard to hear, I know.
But there's freedom for you in the exchange.
Dusty had more wisdom than it appeared.
You said we'd get ice cream.
I have to get Dusty ice cream.
Um Meanwhile, Maeby was growing tired of her living conditions.
- Stan, turn down Wayne Brady! - I surely couldn't.
Anyway, none of it was our fault.
For whatever reason, our dreams have not panned out.
I just wanted to get out of doing things like Straightbait.
I just couldn't do another group [BLEEP] scene, but I love staying at Tent City.
Yes, but that turned out to be a travel and adventure store.
And we were squatting right in the middle of their summer two-for-one.
But that's when we met Buster, who told us where you were.
Guys, this is not an option.
These two aren't even our real family.
Besides, Stan's already getting suspicious of me as an old lady.
He's certainly not gonna buy it from you.
And I'm not gonna last much longer if I can't get rid of this guy.
Oh, like like a boyfriend? 'Cause you're rather quite attractive for an older lady.
That is your half-sister.
Okay, the party.
'Cause I was gonna say, does she have, like, a half-daughter? - Oh, that's not - What is this? Voices up.
Enchanté.
Are these people your family? Is that why you wanted me to go? And caught with nowhere to hide, she decided to tell the truth.
Yes.
They are.
I shall pack my things.
Well, that was a freebie.
Now I just gotta figure out how to get rid of you guys.
Group hug.
- Group hug.
- No.
I don't want to Hug.
Hug.
Hug, DeBrie.
Group hug.
And while Maeby had finally accepted her family, Michael was ready to investigate his.
Where are you, banana stand money? "There's always money in the banana stand.
" That's gotta be from South Park.
Back at the office, the employees were growing restless.
Which one is getting suspicious? Yeah, I think all of them.
They keep throwing these tough tech questions at me, like, "What should we be working on?" Stuff like that.
I hate "What should we be working on?" 'Cause then you're tempted to be like, "Know what? We need you to invent Fakeblock.
" The minute you say that Then they know there's no Fakeblock.
Yeah.
I mean, isn't this why we hired a president? Exactly to not answer these questions.
He said he's putting together some surprise.
You know what these people need? A little leadership and a little inspiration.
So go give it to 'em.
There you go.
- Wait, me? Well, I don't - Get out there.
Hey, guys.
- Yo.
- Hey.
All right, question: How many of you wake up with a knot in your stomach? Right.
Me, too.
But I like to think of that knot in my stomach as a little ball of energy.
You know, it keeps me frightened when I should be calm.
It pumps adrenaline through my veins when ordinary blood is what I need.
But, you know, all of these things can create a winning spirit.
One that I would like for all of you to share in.
So that we can turn those knots in our stomach into why-nots.
You know? People say there there's no such thing as privacy on the Internet.
- Well, why not? - Why not? - Yeah.
- Right.
People say no one can build a completely impenetrable wall.
- Why not? - Why not? And, you know, people say you shouldn't start a company without cracking the technology that supports the flagship product of the company.
For obvious reasons.
- Well, why not? - Why not? And what if you find out you're never gonna get paid, there is no product, and you're like, "Well, we can't let him get away with this.
" Well, why not? That may have been a step too far.
But it wouldn't matter, because Maeby had just gotten some good news.
Sorry, um, we we did it.
- What? - We just sold Fakeblock.
- What? - Yeah.
- We sold it? Uh, how much? - Yeah.
Three million dollars.
- Three million dollars? - Yeah.
That's way more than Rebel was ever offering.
There's no way she can be mad at me.
Who cares if she's mad at you or not? We did it.
We are geniuses.
I can stop lying to Dad.
I mean, I feel bad for the new owner.
It's bogus software.
I mean, what if it bankrupts them? Oh, click.
How sorry can you feel for some guy who's obviously incredibly rich and has $3 million to drop on a .
wav file that's just the sound of a piece of wood.
You know We had those checks issued to you, and you're thinking, "We want to cash those checks.
" - Well, why not? - Why not? Why the hell not? - Yeah.
- Keep doing what you're doing.
Cash those checks.
- We've got jobs.
- While they were - getting out of the business - Except us.
- Yeah, we're out of here.
- directly upstairs, George and Lucille were finally back in it.
- Hello, hello.
- There he is, the man of the hour! You all right, Mom? I'm just happy to see you.
That's what's off.
How was that meeting with the Chinese investors? It was fantastic.
I mean, that advice you gave us, the honesty thing, it was it was great.
Thank you.
The truth came out of my mouth as easy as any lie I could've thought of.
She was so believable.
I thought she was lying.
It was like the opposite of Pinocchio.
I swear, I think my nose got smaller.
Well, wouldn't have been the first time.
Anyway, it worked.
The wall is off, and we are out of that contract.
Everything is good.
- And we can start over.
- That's so great.
That's so great.
That's just It's perfect.
You You know, you guys finally discovered the value of telling the truth.
I just I wish that you had learned that before you lied to me.
Can you be more specific with that? - There's been a number of lies.
- Sure.
When you told me that this company was bankrupt.
- But we are bankrupt, Michael.
- Flat broke.
But the family business is still alive, and the Bluths are back.
- We are bigger and better than ever.
- Okay.
I dug a little bit deeper, and I found some extra capital.
Really? That's fantastic.
- But how much? - Yeah.
- Hey, um Oh, everybody's here.
- Hi.
I was hoping to talk to you for a minute.
I have something I want to discuss with you, too.
I was just gonna call down, have you come up.
Mine is private.
It's business-related.
Well, this is a business conference room.
Why don't you share it here? You might as well just tell him.
- I sold Fakeblock.
- And as George Michael prepared himself for his father's disappointment You what? That's so great! - You're not disappointed? - Disappointed? No, I'm not disappointed.
Boy, George Michael.
- And we got three mil for it.
- Come on.
You sold your first business, and you got three million? Three mil? That is such great news! Mr.
Big Business, sold your company.
How do you feel? To be honest, I feel incredibly relieved.
I'm glad I stuck it out and didn't declare bankruptcy.
It's been a tremendous pressure on us.
We had to pay off the employees, and the bank took the rest of it, - but I'm glad I'm back at zero.
- We're both at zero.
- It's great.
- Did this by himself.
All that burden on your shoulders.
No one to help you.
A little baby Atlas.
- Oh, is that how you see me? - Hmm? Oh, doesn't matter.
Hey, I got an announcement to make myself, okay? Since I found some extra money, I decided to expand.
And what is the company motto? Find a little extra money, put it in a Bluth.
I bought Fakeblock.
What? No, um No, this company, uh, B.
S.
Enterprises, bought Fakeblock.
I'm B.
S.
Enterprises.
It It was "Banana Stand," but it's also got a second meaning.
- Bullshit.
- Bluth and Son.
I bought you! I had to use a shell company because I knew you were gonna give me a discount, and I wasn't gonna have that.
You bought Fakeblock? This is This is a dream come true, is it not? That's how I felt when I found the money for it in a hidden account.
Well, that certainly explains the complete lack of vetting - of our software.
- Mm-hmm, sure.
Listen, I'm not gonna get involved in any of that tech stuff, even though I did spend that couple of months at the Search campus.
But I'm not gonna start coding, 'cause if Fakeblock doesn't work, we lose both companies for good.
You understand? I thought it was over.
You thought it was over.
Look how emotional he is, huh? Listen, that's why I stepped in.
Fakeblock ain't going nowhere.
But while Michael enjoyed that the news made his son so happy, he was even more eager to see it do the opposite - to his parents.
- Where'd you find that three million? In your banana stand slush fund.
I mean, I I know that you have been ripping us off with money for years, but $3 million? - Shh.
- That's not our money, Michael.
Listen to me.
That money was given to us by the Chinese so we could give it back to them.
It was face-saving money.
And now you've spent it, and on what? My son's future.
And that money's gonna now save the company, because it's invested in something valuable.
We were out.
You understand? We were out.
No wall.
No wall.
But if the Chinese see we're buying companies, they're going to want it now.
And we are screwed.
Do you understand that? You, me, and especially George Michael.
Unless you get the money back from him.
No, no.
No, no.
George Michael's got nothing to do with this.
You better tell that to the Chinese, because they will trace the $3 million to him, and they will be mildly displeased.
You have to get that money back.
They're going to be mildly displeased.
Mildly displeased.
It's too late.
You heard him.
He paid off his debts.
You just can't say I made a good decision.
Dad, I'm mildly displeased about something.
This.
This is what I spent your money on.
Look at him.
George Michael, tell them how great your company is and that the son they can't compliment is about to make them rich.
Tell them that I made the right choice.
You made the right choice.
Fakeblock is real.
It's a It's a very weird way to say it, but, you know, Fakeblock, it's real.
This is the This is the best investment this family has made in years.
I feel sick.
I've felt better.
Wait till you find out who the new president is.
- Oh, no.
- Did somebody say, "Wait until you find out who the president is"? Yes, but then we figured it out, and your father said, "Oh, no.
" So we've got $3 million tied up in something Gob's in charge of? Maybe we could just hire him, like, a really good assistant.
One step ahead of you.
I took this guy home with me last night after I found him next to the police station.
Please say hello to my new right-hand man! - Now, geo-bead.
- Did somebody say, "I took this guy home with me after I found him next to the police station.
Say hello " Well, that would've been better if it was his right hand, but, uh but I figured, if somebody's willing to spend 3KK on my company, might be able to spread wealth on myself.
Did my hand get off on this floor? Well, look who finally decided to show up.
Steve McQueen from The Great Escape.
I take it you saw the unwanted posters? Yes, and I got the hint.
No one was chasing after me.
Oh, right.
It had two meanings.
Well, I'm sorry.
But if you hadn't insisted on being in that stupid parade, none of this would've happened.
Yes, well, that parade created a great deal of pain for a lot of us.
But, anyway, we're here to celebrate.
I'm sure somebody did something to make this a party for the president.
Bluth? Wait a minute.
What's going on? Oh, Wait, what's going Who did this? Is this because I'm still gay? Hot Cops? On such short notice? Who did this? - 'Cause the conversion didn't take? - Buster Bluth? Yes! Who did this? - Who did this? - You're under arrest.
Gob believed he did this.
Leave a message for Hot Cops! How'd you like to make a fifth of a K? But the real cops weren't out of business and were about to stumble on a big piece of evidence.
Well, now I've seen it all.
- But Gob knew none of this.
- Oh, I wish I had my boom box! I just Ah, here it goes! You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say or do can and will be used against you in a court of law.
You have the right to an attorney.
If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you.
On the next Arrested Development Gob continues to sing God, I wish I had another smoke bomb.
well after the rest of the family realizes that Buster has been arrested.
I'm gonna take the stairs.