Astrid and Lilly Save the World (2022) s01e09 Episode Script


Previously on Astrid and Lilly Save the World Welcome to detention, delinquents.
Maybe we can sneak into the stacks when we get back.
That feels a little public.
I don't care that you have other friends, - it's just Candace? - You don't know her.
I never thought you were a cheater and a liar.
I don't have to tell you everything.
You don't tell me anything.
Screw this.
Lilly and I are kind of monster hunters.
Candace and Lilly are frickin' dating.
So, this was some big joke to you? The Guardian is real and he's here, in town.
- Cool.
- Whatever.
Lilly! No, damn it.
Astrid, wait! Lilly, I, um Can we talk somewhere else? Whoa, so creepy.
Okay, what do you want? What are you doing? I I thought we'd kiss and make up? And then make out? It always worked on Tate Seriously? You think that's why I liked you? Liked? Like Like past tense? Not exactly.
Well, I don't know what to do! You won't answer my texts.
Well, maybe that should have been a hint! When I thought you just weren't ready to tell people that you liked girls, it was fine.
Okay, your mom's crazy, kids are assholes, I get it.
But just not wanting to tell people you like me? Hard pass.
- I'm just not big on PDA.
- Oh, but it was okay when you were with Tate? That was different! I didn't like acting like that, people just expected it.
Well, I expected the person that I liked to actually act like they liked me back! But I guess that was just too much to ask.
I'm not always my biggest fan, but even I know I deserve better than that.
Lilly, wait Um, hello We need Juliet in rehearsal.
And don't forget the boomerang! Duty calls.
At least it's nice to worry about normal high school crap for once.
Damn it.
Um, bye.
Yes? Look, I'm still mad pissed at you.
Candace is a biznatch who makes our lives hell for sport.
Plus her mom and her minions are clearly plotting some evil shit with that Guardian dude.
So, unless you're here to apologize for making out with the enemy, I am not here for it.
Why are you looking at me weird? Are you sorry or not? Yes.
Really? You're really sorry for swapping spit with the biggest bitch in Coppers Cove, for buddying up with the chodebag whose minions literally kidnapped me, and for almost blowing our entire monster-hunting operation? Yes.
Really sorry.
Ah! Hey! Watch it, loser.
Ah, go to hell, Jordan.
Hey! Go to hell, Jordan! Oh, thank God.
I missed you, partner! Missed you, partner.
Oh, tell me about it! And, hey, you know this has nothing to do with you liking girls, right? Just sucked seeing you with that harpy.
I know.
Okay, good.
Don't worry, Lilly, we'll find you a girlfriend that is the whole package: smart, funny, and with basic human decency.
Oh! And we can double date! Woo-yeah! Uh, speaking of Um, I haven't heard from Sparrow since detention.
I'm getting kinda worried.
Do you think I messed things up? Yes.
Oh, I am so glad we are on the same page today.
Attention! Attention! I have made an important creative decision.
The ending of Romeo & Juliet Down Unda? Too depressing.
So, I rewrote it.
They're not gonna die.
They're gonna have a big fat Australian wedding and live happily ever after.
And you all need to learn the new scene by tonight.
You can learn it on your own, right? Highly unlikely.
The average human being memorizes words at a rate of five words per minute.
Oh, well As the volunteer understudy for Juliet and recent graduate of Thespis Nequissimus Academy for the Performing Arts, I would be happy to fill in for Candace.
I hath forgot why I did call thee back.
And let me stand here 'til thoust remember it And still I'll stay, and wait to have thee still forget, forgetting any home but this.
Mom, I'm at school.
What's up? Sweetie, we need to talk.
You have been acting very distant lately.
Getting detention, missing youth group.
And I know why.
You do? It's because I slept with Tate's dad.
What?! Don't worry, honey, okay! It was a one-time thing, it is over, we are not gonna force you to become stepsiblings Gross.
Uh, but that's not the problem.
Tate and I broke up a while ago.
Oh, that's what's been bothering you? Oh, we can fix that.
I can totally talk to Tate's dad again.
No! No, um That's not what's bugging me.
I just You know, it's fine, I just have some stuff going on.
Well, honey, we can talk about all of that tonight at youth group.
Mom, it's It's opening night for the play.
Are you not coming? Candace, I never wanted you involved in that tasteless play to begin with.
Mom, it's Shakespeare! Sort of.
You know what, just forget it, okay? Well, have you shed your earthly regrets? You must be unburdened when you take over your own dimension.
Almost, partner.
Just one more call? Excellent.
For tonight's ceremony, O Great One.
No, no.
These won't do at all.
Bring me something with more life.
Hello, Helen? Uh It is time I told you what really happened to my husband.
Astrid? Oh, thank God, I missed you so Hey, where's my phone? Fuuu - Who are you? - Who are you? - I'm Lilly.
- I'm Lilly.
Hey, stop repeating everything I'm saying! Stop repeating everything I'm saying.
Shut up! Oh, this is bad.
No, this is insane.
But it's also really bad.
I gotta go get Astrid Gotta go get Astrid.
Hey, you don't get to say that! She's my bestie! Even though we're not talking right now, she's still my b Seriously?! Is someone talking to me? Oh, for the love of Crap - Brutus? Brutus! - Oh, hey, Lilly! What brings you back here so soon? Oh, shit, did that thing beat me here already? How is that even possible? What thing? You were just here, remember? I was telling you about the new monster that came through the portal, and then Astrid called it a-a doppelgoober and I was like, oh, my God, that's such a crazy word! No, no, Brutus, that was the monster! I'm the real Lilly.
Oh Well, that's no good.
I can't believe Astrid didn't realize it wasn't really me Hey, aren't you going to check if I'm the real Lilly? Uh, yeah.
Um? How do I know you're the real Lilly? Your new favorite store at the mall is Katy's Boutique, but you chickened out of getting your ears pierced because you said it looked like it'd make you say "owie.
" Oh, hey, real Lilly! But, no, the monster, Brutus! Huh? Oh, right, yes, uh, the monster.
Because you weren't here earlier.
I mean, you were, but you were just You were just you weren't you, so, um Oh! Here it is.
The Castorlux is a parasite monster that appears as a blank body.
Once it touches you, it takes your voice and your appearance and then it buddies up with your fam and friends so they don't miss you when it eats you! What about our powers? How come my leg didn't go off, or-or Astrid's super nose? That's a great question.
See, the Castorlux is a master of disguises.
It can sneak past even inter-dimensional superpowers.
It's pretty amazing.
What's the point of even having these powers if they only work on some of the monsters? Uh, well, it doesn't say.
But it does say that you need its doppelkopfel its head, for the Orb.
Which is also one of the last monster parts we need.
So, my crush broke my heart, my best friend hates me, and now there's a monster who looks exactly like me running around trying to kill me? Awesome.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa, whoa.
Your crush broke your heart? Yo, fill a Bro-tus in.
No time.
We gotta find this thing.
Well, I do wanna circle back to this whole crush thing.
You know what? How about, uh How about I go with you? Oh.
Oh! You? - Yeah.
- In the field? Aren't you more like a "booksmart" monster guide.
Yeah, I am.
But, uh, how about we, uh spice things up? - Huh? - Mm.
I mean, Giles would go with Buffy in the field all the time, right? I mean, I-I I could use the help And, I mean, you do seem pretty pumped.
Mmm Okay, okay, let's go, let's go.
Aw, yes, that's what I'm talking about! Let's do a whack job on fake Lilly! Hard! Oh, no! God, what is it? I gave one of the friendship necklaces I made to fake Lilly! Okay, Brutus um, maybe a little less concern about the friendship necklace, and a little more concern about the fact that it's trying to chop my head off? Oh, no, no, no, it's not going to chop your head off.
Well, Astrid might.
No, it wants to absorb you into its body so that it can replace you in this universe uh, forever.
- If that helps.
- It does not.
No-no-no, no! The koala is the ringbearer, the kangaroo is the officiant! Obviously! What is so hard to understand here? Everything.
Literally everything.
Kangaroos cannot officiate weddings, Romeo can't survive drinking pure funnel-web spider venom, and Black swans are only indigenous to the most specific regions of Australia.
Ca-Candace, are you even paying attention to this? Yeah, yeah, let's I'm fine.
She seems underprepared.
You know, I am more than happy to fill in for Candace.
No, I'm fine.
Let's do the scene.
I don't think Shakespeare would appreciate what you're all putting me through.
I need a latte.
Everybody, take ten! Okay, that's ten minutes.
Ah, Candace! Where are you going? We can rehearse without Michelle! Put me in maestro because I am totally off book! Oh, I appreciate your professionalism and dedication.
Thank you.
I uh I really like rehearsing with you.
You're a really good actor, so Thanks.
You're, um Uh, crocodile movements are extremely authentic.
So, where were we? I think it was the kissing scene.
Lilly You were right, I screwed up, okay? You know it's just, it's so hard being popular, you know? Everyone just expects you to act a certain way, and Plus, my mom would never understand People expect you to act a certain way.
Obviously we have a lot more we need to talk about, but um Who took the shrimp off the barbie?! I have to deal with that all day.
Michelle decided to, um, change the ending of the play.
On opening night.
Could-could we talk later though? Yes.
Talk later.
Um, 'til then, uh Could you come to the play tonight? Yes.
Thank you.
You're amazing, Lil.
For real.
- Is there something up with Lilly? - No, why? Because the average human being blinks once every four seconds.
She was blinking once every 12.
You really are a details kinda guy, aren't you, Eggs? I was named after Egon Spengler, PhD.
Why aren't Romeo and Juliet down under?! - After you.
- Hm.
Brutus really came through on this one.
Total badass.
Sparrow? Hey, Sparrow, what the hell? How come you haven't been answering my texts? I know you're mad but Yes? What What is this? This isn't you.
Of course, this is me.
This is who I am.
I have to go now.
Oh, my God, Lilly! Lilly! Are you staring at a wall? Whatever.
Sparrow is the Castorlux! Sparrow? I know it sounds crazy, but it's true! That's why he's been acting so off.
It's not really him! Okay, we need to find him before he hurts the real Sparrow.
Any idea where he may have gone? Yes.
Oh, God, thank God, Lilly.
Honestly, I have no idea what I'd do without you.
Step one We need a decapitation weapon.
I gave my only one to Astrid and fake Lilly - but I am resourceful.
- Hm.
Grease its neck hinges, scare it 'til its head pops off.
Clip it like a toenail? Oh, never again.
"2008 Mathlete Semi-Finals?" Might not be sharp enough.
No, no, no, don't touch that! How about this? Where did you even get that? Never mind, that should do the trick.
Take down the monster.
We're looking for a badass monster hunter who's 5'4'' and did not deserve to get her heart broken.
Appreciate that.
Listen, I don't like the idea of Astrid walking around with that monster either.
So, I'll tell you what: I'll go back to the warehouse, see if I can find them and warn Astrid - about fake Lilly.
- Mm-hm.
If you find them, then you can just show her.
I know Astrid will know which one is real right away! Like you did Ha, ha, ha, ha, listen: Be careful.
Good luck.
We're so close to filling the Orb.
You got this You got this.
Ah! What the shit?! Oh, it's just you, Tate.
I was actually looking for you.
That's not for me, is it? What? Oh, this? No, no.
Wait, why were you looking for me? Oh, did I do something weird? Or did someone who really looks like me do something weird? What? No.
It was about what I did.
- Oh.
- In detention.
It was not cool.
In fact it was pretty shitty.
Yeah, it was.
Look, Candace she hurt me.
And I guess I just wanted to hurt her back.
But I should not have done it, and I shouldn't have pulled you into it, either.
No, you shouldn't have.
Any way I can make it up to you? Actually Yes.
Hello? Sparrow? Lilly, are you sure you saw him come in here? Yes.
Uh, stupid play crap.
Well, it looks like he's gone now.
Hey, Lils, I know I've been kinda distracted with Sparrow, but don't think I haven't noticed how off you've been today.
Candace really hurt you, huh? Yes.
Really hurt me.
Oh, I'm sorry, Lils.
We'll get you feeling like yourself again soon.
You deserve so much better than Candace.
So much better.
Where'd this stupid thing come from? Hey, here's an idea: why don't we split up for a bit? Cover some more ground.
Yes, cover more ground.
Good idea.
Man, we are in sync today.
God, I hate when we fight, bestie.
It's the worst.
It's the worst.
Hey, Lilly.
I was hoping I'd get to see you before Bathroom's clear! Before what, Candace? Before the play.
I'm Thank you so much for coming, by the way.
It really means a lot to me that you're gonna be there, especially since my mom isn't Wait, I-I never said I was going.
Why would I do that? What are you talking about? Just a couple of hours ago, you said Could we just talk somewhere more private? I just I feel weird with Tate here You and I both know this has nothing to do with Tate.
- Yeah, Candace.
- Shut up, Tate.
You know, but but before you said that, uh that you understood I'm just under a lot of pressure right now, Lilly.
You know, you don't You don't get what it's like for everyone to expect you to act this way or talk that way, or dress another way I don't get what it's like?! Candace, that's my whole goddamn life! The only difference is when I do all that shit, it still isn't enough.
Could we just talk somewhere else, please Oh, my God, no one cares except for you, Candace! I'm so goddamn invisible, that nobody even noticed that there were two of me walking around today! Wait, what? I gotta go.
Um Candace Break a leg tonight.
Break both legs.
What did you do with the real Sparrow?! I am the real Sparrow.
Like hell you are.
Sparrow was perfect the way he was.
What kind of monster would do this to him?! That's classified.
Classified? Now I know you're not the real Sparrow because the real Sparrow hates secrets.
Ugh! Oh, no.
It can't be Okay, that's enough.
The Orb is ready for you, Your Greatness.
Let's try it with the key, shall we? Perfect.
Why am I here again? Lilly isn't in the play.
Well, we're here to support Lilly.
Lilly isn't even here to support Lilly.
Will you stop? We're here for her.
She painted the kangaroo! Thank you, and welcome everyone! On behalf of the PTA, thank you, Michelle.
And I think I speak for everyone here when I say that we could not have done this without you.
No, you could not have.
So, without further ado, please enjoy: Romeo and Juliet Down Unda, a Michelle Knight William Shakespeare collab.
Two households, both alike in dignity in fair Australia, where we lay our scene Do you bite your thumb at us, bloke? I do bite my thumb, mate! Oy, get stuffed! Oh, crikey, you're in for it now! Och Did Michelle give them real weapons?! Cool! Hey! You leaving? Uh, yup.
We searched the entire school for the Castorlux and still didn't find it.
And I'm not waiting for it to find me.
But what about the play? Oh, I'm not going to that.
There's a freakin' monster running around trying to kill me, remember? Yeah, um I don't think that's the reason.
You know, Candace and I were together for almost two and a half years.
Yeah, and broke up like six and a half times.
Yeah, and all that time, I was never there for her.
I never went to her church concerts, I never took her headshots, didn't help her run lines.
Look where that got me.
Hmm, you might have a point.
Candace screwed up.
No question.
But, so did I and you forgave me.
Never technically said that She's trying to fix it.
Her mom isn't going to be there for her.
She definitely doesn't care if I'm there.
The only person she really cares about being there is you.
The question is whether or not you're gonna show up for her.
How could I let this happen? You've reached Lilly.
Leave a message Straight to voicemail? She always picks up Okay.
Well, I can't save Sparrow without Lilly.
The Guardian is too powerful.
Plus, the Castorlux is still around here somewhere, it could be anybody Are you talking to yourself? No.
I'm obviously talking to this.
And if this is the weirdest thing you've seen recently, you have not been paying attention, Jordan! Okay, come on, Lilly, I need you.
You've reached Lil What the hell? This is not like her.
At all.
Wilt thou be in the woop woop? It was a kookaburra, not a magpie that pierced the fearful hollow of thine budgie smugglers.
Shouldn't you be onstage? No, I got harpooned to death three acts ago.
nightly, she sings on yon eucalyptus tree.
I'd have made a great Juliet.
Oh! Excuse me.
Believe me, mate, it was the kookaburra.
It was the lark, the herald of the morn.
No kookaburra.
But to be frank, and give it thee again And yet I wish but for the thing I have My bounty as boundless as the sea my love as deep the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.
- That's the wrong version.
- Shut up.
It's also the wrong scene.
Not if I still have to be a secret.
Hello, Lilly.
Okay, Lilly's car is still in the parking lot which means Lilly's still here which means the Castorlux must also still be here.
But how to find them I can work with that.
Hey, you, back the F off! Which one? Uh Both of you? Both of you? Shiiit.
Could this get any worse?! Thy spider venom is quick.
And thus, with a g'day I cark it.
No wokkas, mates.
Romeo and Juliet did not cark it! They were rushed to a surgery, everyone chucked a sickie, and now they're gonna tie the knot, fair dinkum! Oh, sorry! It's okay.
Sorry, sorry.
I'm okay.
I'm just going to go over here.
Screw this.
Ugh, they couldn't just be doppelgangers, they had to be a freakin' doppel-gang! Speak for yourself! How do I know you're the real Lilly? Seriously? You still don't know if it's me? Come on! I already screwed this up once today, I am not doing it again! You used to plan on saving yourself until you could invent time travel to bang an early 2000s James Marsters but that all changed when you met Sparrow! - Yes, that's true.
- Hm.
What about you? Yes? Hm.
Well, that settles it.
How do I know if you're the real Astrid? Your parents were going to name you Libby but then, at the last minute, they remembered they both had ex-girlfriends named Libby who ended up being the same person! Aww, it is you! Yes, it is! Oh, shit! Where'd they go?! Don't worry, they can't be far.
Remember, they're after us.
Oh, no, no, no.
We're after them.
Where is Candace? Romeo can't marry Juliet unless she's present! - It's Australian law! - Marry Juliet.
She's present.
I'm so sorry, Lilly! I should have known it wasn't you.
I was just so damn happy to have you back.
I wanted to believe! Like in X-Files! I'm sorry too, Astrid! No one could ever replace you! Not a monster, and definitely not Candace! You are perfect just the way you are, and not like some mindless "yes, bitch" who agrees and then repeats everything I say.
And you should be able to have your own life, even if that does involve Candace.
Same to you! Ah, you're my BFF! Emphasis on the "F".
- Ugh! - Oh, God! Yeah, gnarly! It looks like my kangaroo.
Do you take this bloke to be your mate in holy mate-rimony? I doth.
- And you? - I doth.
For never was a story of more drongos, Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.
You may pash the bride! Wait a minute You're only blinking every 12 seconds Whoo! My role? And my kiss!? Quick! Hold it down! Ah! Astrid, quick! It's trying to absorb me! Okay Okay, now it's my turn.
I mean uh, her turn.
Ah, you know what I mean! - Okay, okay.
- Go-go-go! Oh! No, stop, it's me Astrid! Oh, no, you don't, doppeldick! We are one of a damn kind! Oh! Oh, my God I missed you, bestie.
Right back at ya', bestie.
Ohhh, I wish I had a cell phone to capture this moment.
That's why you wish you had a cellphone? Of course.
Why else would I need a cellphone? Okay, we need to put both heads into the Orb.
Uh, both? There's supposed to be three.
Shitballs! I told you that.
No, you didn't! Oh, that was probably the other Lilly.
Okay, so how do we find the last one? Lilly I meant every word I said onstage.
You're smart, you're funny and kind, and wildly a monster hunter.
And gorgeous, and, honestly, better than me in every way.
Huh, got that right I know I screwed up.
So bad.
And I'm so sorry I let all that stupid shit get to me and I shouldn't have.
But if there's any way you can give me another chance, I promise to show up for you.
Because I'm-I'm crazy about you, and I want everyone to know it.
I know who the last doppel is.
Who? It's her.
The real Candace would never say those things, especially not with anyone else around to hear it.
Oh You got this.
I'm sorry, I can't.
- Uh - It's okay.
I'll chop off Candace's head.
For you.
Uh, what the hell are you two talking about? Oh, yeah, she's definitely the monster.
Ah! That was my role and my kiss with the hottest guy in school! Double Vals?! We're gonna go deal with that.
Come on.
Let's go.
It's really you? Everything you said That was real? Yeah.
Was Astrid really gonna chop off my head? I promise, I will explain everything.
The double Vals, the head chopping, all of it, but first.
Brutus, let's go! I'm telling you, as soon as I slayed my artistic demons and conquered my superego, it was like I became the role.
Both roles, actually.
You know, the great acting teacher, Sanford Meisner, he once said, "You just gotta get out of your own head.
" Um, sorry you missed your curtain call.
Worth it.
I do have one question for you though, Lilly Fortenberry Mm-hm? Will you be my date to the dance? Yes.
Oh Um, mom, Mutti, Piper.
Candace and I - are - Dating.
Right? Yeah, yeah.
Well, um We are very happy for you.
And Candace, congratulations on a great job in the play.
Oh, your mom must be so proud.
Um, actually she-she couldn't show.
You know, she's just too busy with her church thing, so, it's okay.
Well, we're proud of you.
Do you need a ride home? Uh, yeah, that'd be great.
Oh, um can you guys give me a sec? I'm just gonna go talk to Astrid.
Yeah, for sure.
Let us know when you're ready to go.
- Yeah, sure.
- Mm, mm, mm Okay, don't get too excited.
Hey, you forgot this.
So, I put all three heads in the Orb, just in case.
Just one more monster to go.
Can't believe it's almost over.
Oh, it's been a wild ride, huh? Yeah.
Well, at least we get to stop the Guardian before he turns the world into monster soup.
Monster soup?! Oh.
I was with fake Lilly when Brutus told us that.
I'll fill you in later.
Hey, Lilly, uh, you ready to go? Okay, look I still don't like you.
All those years of you treating us like shit doesn't just go away after one, "I'm sorry.
" Fair.
But if you make Lilly happy, that's a start.
And if you hurt her, I will chop your head off.
- Astrid! - Also fair.
So, I'm gonna try.
We must have something in common.
Oh, like, hey Both of our dads are dead! Oh, no, um My mom just tells people that so she doesn't have to say she's divorced.
My dad lives in Scranton.
Good to know.
You know, you guys might not have that one particular thing in common, but Hey, me and Candace are going to the dance together.
Maybe we can double date with you and Sparrow! Oh, right.
About Sparrow The lunar eclipse is days away and the Master Orb is ready.
The time has come to reveal my complete and beautiful form to this world.
And, thankfully, I finally have the perfect outfit for the occasion.
Are you ready to meet your great leader? Yes.
Ah! It feels so good to be back to my natural form.
Now nothing can stop me.
Master, do you like your outfit? What did I just say? Like, just say.
And I just need one more thing from you to christen the Orb, hm.
Of course.
Uh! Ah One down.
86 to go.

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