Bastard!! Heavy Metal, Dark Fantasy (2022) s01e07 Episode Script

1
You are so smug and foolish
to take me lightly, bastard!
I am here for one reason only,
to take you down.
Okay. So what's your next move
going to be, pretty boy?
Orcs, attack!
[orcs snarling]
That's a band of orcs!
What are we gonna do now?
Listen, Lars.
Yeah? What is it?
- Is it me or him?
- [Lars] What?
Who's the bigger babe magnet?
[Lars groaning]
You're both horrible!
At a time like this,
you're worried about
I asked you a question,
you damn flying rodent!
[Lars] You you, of course.
Now, if you don't mind, would you stop
ripping my throat out, please?
[Dark Schneider] You're so annoying!
[Lars squealing]
[Dark Schneider scoffing]
He can't even tell the difference
between a true mcdreamy like me
and some random schmuck
with a pretty face.
[orcs shouting]
[Dark Schneider scoffing] Interripeli!
[orcs grunting]
[orc screaming]
[opening theme music playing]
[music fades]
[intense music playing]
I must say, you have guts, pretty boy.
You dared to attack
the most powerful wizard
the world has ever known.
Not to mention
that you even tried to take him head-on.
I am a warrior. I have no fear.
Victory is meaningless
unless it's won fair and square.
Why is some half-assed pretty boy
trying to be cool?
You're absolutely ridiculous.
You realize that?
Being elegant, intellectual,
and, uh, supremely confident
is for men like me.
You can understand.
It's certainly not
for little boys like you.
Let's face it.
I'm the ultimate handsome hero.
He's consistent. I'll give him that.
[scoffing]
I guess we're about to see
what kind of hero you really are.
[grunting]
[Dark Schneider] One question
before we get into this.
Are you the one
who turned those humans into stone?
[Kai] You'll find out once we do battle!
[exhaling slowly]
Let's go!
[Kai efforting]
Yogeki Hyakuretsuzan!
Whoo, doggie!
Talk about a close shave. Good try.
[Kai] You used Illusion.
Be very careful!
He's using
the Hariken style of swordsmanship!
And what the hell is that?
It's the source of all the classic styles.
It's not like Gara's style.
It's a mix of swordsmanship and Ninjutsu!
So don't get careless!
Whoa. You sure know your trivia.
But then, you were a swordsman.
[Kai] I won't kill you immediately.
I have some questions
that you'll need to answer first.
No. I don't feel like answering questions.
Now, take this!
[Dark Schneider cackling]
You were so damn serious.
You know how boring that is?
Dumb as a bag of rocks.
[Kai] Sean Ari.
Sean Ari. What have you done with her?
You used Illusion. [scoffing]
She was a magnificent fighter.
Tell me, why did she disappear?
- Were we betrayed by her?
- [Dark Schneider] Who knows?
She probably got tired of pretending
to fight in this fake war.
Shut up!
That's something
you'd never be able to understand.
We Three Sorcerer Generals
share a bond stronger than blood.
She'd never betray us!
It's the one thing I can be certain of.
Hmm. Well, well.
I wonder if that means
she fell in love with me for real?
What? Where's Sean?
What did you do to her, you bastard?
Tell me while you still can.
[Dark Schneider chuckling]
Don't tell me
you were in love with that virgin?
You gotta be kidding me.
[Kai] You animal. What did you do to her?
[Dark Schneider growling]
You really need to ask?
She tasted so good.
I took her. That's what I did. [chuckling]
Oh yeah, and she actually was a virgin.
[Kai gasping]
[Kai growling]
You disgusting creep!
That sword! No way!
Okay, Efreet!
I carried you with me all this way.
Now it's time for you to do
what you were meant to do.
So get at it! [yelling]
[Dark Schneider gasping]
[Kai] So it truly is
the legendary Sword of Fire.
You're not a pretty boy.
You're a pretty girl!
[scoffing] What does that matter?
My mission hasn't changed at all.
I've never lost to anyone in my
entire life except for the Empress Nei.
You men are pathetic!
You only have one thing on your minds.
Yeah. Well, you got me there.
Huh?
Empress Nei gave me this power
in exchange
for my pledging absolute loyalty to her!
[intense music playing]
I'd be careful, boss!
This one's got some serious magic.
Kandalos-trata amsotos yonde lutsun!
Talas!
[Dark Schneider grunting]
[Dark Schneider] My body
Dark Schneider!
[Kai cackling]
[Kai] Your clothes,
your body, blood, and flesh
will all turn to stone.
You'll stand there exposed
to the wind and rain forever!
Your legend has reached its end.
[Dark Schneider groaning]
If I really am turning to stone,
I'll make
a freaking dynamite statue for sure.
[Lars groaning]
[Kai chuckling]
[Kai] Men like you are nothing special.
When you're a warrior like me,
man or woman doesn't matter.
What matters is life and death.
You'll regret opposing Empress Nei
and making an enemy of me.
[Dark Schneider] Listen to me, girl.
You say you've never
met a man who could best you in battle.
And you say
that you're not a woman, but a warrior.
But that just proves
how hung up you are about being a woman.
What a pitiful girl.
Looks like you need me to set you free.
Shut up, you stupid fool!
All of your talking only serves
to make you more pathetic.
[scoffing] Do you really think
you could seal me away
with a measly little petrification spell?
Oh, and, uh, there is a spell
to turn me back again, right?
[Kai laughing]
Good luck!
That spell I used on you
is not just any incantation!
It's an old spell
resurrected by Empress Nei!
This spell's power is derived
from the ancient war gods!
What the hell?
Then that means it's High Ancient Magic?
[scoffing]
That's right, Dark Schneider!
I wish I hadn't said that,
'cause that can only mean one thing.
I can't use normal magic
to break this spell!
[Kai] Aww. Too bad.
And look.
The stone has already reached your chest.
[Dark Schneider grunting]
Can't you do anything about this?
I thought you knew
Ancient High Magic too!
Least that's what you said!
[Dark Schneider]
Now we're dealing with ancient gods.
You know how hard it is
to come up with a counter spell
when you're half turned to stone?
I need to think! I need to focus!
Then you've got this.
All you have to do is find out
which god is the source of that spell.
Ugh. I don't have a chance in hell
of finding out which god.
Wait a minute.
Even if I'm not
in communication with that god,
it's still possible that I could find
another one somewhere close by
and ask him to deactivate the spell.
Except I don't have any damn time
to look for one.
This isn't good!
[Dark Schneider yelling]
I don't want to be stuck
in this stupid pose!
What have I ever done to deserve this?
[all groaning]
You know, after turning you to stone,
I was going
to leave you be for all eternity
but what you did was unforgivable.
You defiled Sean Ari and destroyed
the bond we had with no remorse.
So for that, I've changed my mind,
and I'm going to kill you on the spot.
You see, if your statue stays pristine,
the spell can be broken
by a wizard or magician with enough power.
However, if even the smallest piece
of your body breaks off
while you're made of stone,
It'll be impossible
to bring you back to life.
Could we talk about this?
Shatter,
Dark Schneider!
Dio!
This can't be happening.
[gasping]
What? How can this be?
A Ritual Spider?
Dammit!
Talisman Magic.
Sean Ari, why?
Why did you betray Empress Nei?
Why did you betray the Sorcerer Generals?
Kai, you may not understand,
but this man has great power.
Not even Master Kall-Su, nor Empress Nei,
have the abilities that he can command.
His powers are so strong
that they completely envelop his enemies.
Open your eyes!
This is the first time
you've been with a man.
You're hoping and dreaming
that he's special, but he's not!
You might be right, Kai, but there's more.
When I fought him, I sensed his abilities.
I felt how truly powerful he is!
You have to believe me, Kai!
He's far beyond Master Kall-Su.
Stronger than even Empress Nei.
I am sure
that's how he won over Master Gara too!
Sean
[Dark Schneider cackling]
What can I say?
They always come back
wanting more, huh?
You're so stupid!
I told you to be careful!
You know,
you're actually pretty cute when you care.
Can you, uh,
get your friend to calm down?
I pity you.
You're so damned loyal.
He's just using you. Can't you see that?
Get out of the way
and let me get rid of him.
No, Kai! I can't do that!
I have to protect him
even if that means opposing Empress Nei
and betraying you.
Sean Ari!
Talisman! Ritual Spider, devour her now!
[Kai] Yogeki Hyakuretsuzan!
[Sean gasping]
[Sean] It's no use.
She's much stronger than I am.
I can't believe you let yourself
fall in love with him, Sean
It's done!
I can never forgive you for this!
I have no choice.
In the name of the god of war, Yng Wei,
I'm going to kill you both!
She means it this time!
No, Kai! I don't care if you kill me!
But I'm begging you to let him live!
[Kai] No!
You'll both die!
[Dark Schneider cackling]
You son of a bitch! What's so funny?
You're gonna kill me, huh?
You idiot!
In your anger, you slipped up
and said the name of the god
who's the source of this spell.
Your puny powers mean nothing at all!
You're no match for me!
- [magic humming]
- What? That's impossible!
[both] Incredible!
[exhaling slowly]
Behold the one and only
powerful Dark Schneider!
Just when I thought
I couldn't get any more embarrassed.
[Lars] Oh brother!
I'm unique in the world.
And I'm the most beautiful human
on the face of the earth!
Oh, gods! How could you have played
such a cruel trick on me
and saddle me
with such a heavy burden as this?
[Kai scoffing]
[Kai] Ew. That's disgusting!
You filthy pig!
That's the last time
you'll swing that thing around like that
Because now you die! Talas!
[Sean screaming]
[Kai gasping]
- [scoffing] Thanks for the tickle.
- [rock music playing]
Your god, Yng Wei,
the one who's the source
of your petrification spell,
he's just a subordinate
to one of the gods I'm connected with.
In other words,
my god can deactivate
all your High Ancient Magic!
And now it is my turn!
Witness the power of my god, Blackmore!
From the snow-capped mountains
to the gates of Babylon.
Ray Bow!
[Kai grunting]
[Kai gasping]
[Dark Schneider] And I went easy on you.
Only because you're a woman.
And now this thing of mine
is gonna teach you a lesson.
It's so huge
it's shaking hands with my belly button,
but I guess you noticed that.
[Kai gasping]
[Sean] Please! Don't do anything to her!
She was just being loyal to Empress Nei!
[Kai grunting]
If I were you,
I wouldn't get so cocky just yet!
I'm not done with you.
Come to me at once, my servant!
[creature warbling]
- [creature roaring]
- [Sean gasping]
It's a cockatrice!
How appropriate.
There's no way she could have ever cast
that petrification spell
on the entire city by herself.
It takes too much magic.
This cockatrice is the one
who's behind that herd of statues.
Hey, warrior!
Siccing a monster
on your enemy when you're about to lose,
reeks of desperation.
Shut up! You're just a pile of lust!
You deceive women and use them as shields,
you filthy, dirty, disgusting coward!
Go, my Cockatrice!
Turn him to stone!
Shatter him to pieces!
[Cockatrice roaring]
She's not lying.
If you get too close,
it will turn you to stone!
- [Sean shrieking]
- [Dark Schneider grunting]
Petrifying gas?
[groaning] Damn!
That gas's petrifying effect
doesn't come from any ancient god!
I thought I'd already found a way
to deactivate her spell.
Now I'm back to square one!
Don't even think you're going
to escape from me this time.
You're going to die together
with that miserable traitor!
It's managed to get upwind from us!
Get them!
[Cockatrice roaring]
- No! This way!
- [Sean shrieking]
Dark Schneider!
[Dark Schneider grunting]
[gasping] You're hurt!
[laughing]
I'm going to finish you off now.
[Cockatrice warbling]
Hot damn!
She could control that beast
as though it were one with her own body!
That crystal amplifies her thoughts
and transmits them to the cockatrice.
There's got to be a way
that we can destroy that thing,
or, at the very least,
get it away from her somehow.
That's it!
Then we could take Uh, too late.
[Dark Schneider grunting]
A little too close
for comfort if you ask me.
[wind blowing violently]
[cackling]
Farewell to you, Dark Schneider!
[Sean grunting]
It can't be.
The wind, it's changing!
[Kai] Oh no! My crystal!
[Cockatrice roaring]
[Kai] Cockatrice!
[cackling]
It's gone completely out of its mind.
You can't control it now.
[Kai grunting, yelling]
Kai!
[Dark Schneider scoffing]
She was so busy gloating
over her coming victory,
she didn't notice
the wind had changed direction.
Pathetic little woman.
[Kai groaning, straining]
[Dark Schneider]
A mad cockatrice is a piece of cake.
But I can tell you one thing.
You're gonna owe me big time after this.
Cockatrice be Damned!
[Cockatrice shrieking]
That's showing them!
[Kai grunting]
Kill me.
If you don't kill me today,
you'll live to regret it!
You broke my spell and killed my beast.
However, I haven't lost to you yet
in a fair battle!
After I've healed,
I'll come after you again.
[Kai grunting]
[body thudding]
[Dark Schneider straining]
[Kai gasping]
Come and kill me anytime.
But let's fix you up.
[both sighing]
[Dark Schneider] If you're gonna kill me,
we'll have to heal those wounds properly.
[dramatic music playing]
[heart beating]
[Kai] He's he's so warm.
I never knew a man's body
could be so big and warm.
Why is my heart beating so fast?
[Kai grunting]
Listen.
I have to suck the poison out of you.
Huh?
[Kai gasping]
[Dark Schneider moaning]
[Kai moaning loudly]
[Dark Schneider grunting]
[Kai moaning]
[Lars] Huh.
[Kai moaning loudly]
[Kai breathing heavily]
I have to say,
you're a tough opponent, you know that?
That was a close one, actually.
Much closer than I'd like to admit.
I'm going to warn you this one time.
The third Sorcerer General
is more experienced than me or Sean.
Remember that.
Don't think you'll have
an easy road ahead.
It's just the opposite.
Is that right?
[Kai] His power has increased
through the ages.
No one knows what he's doing now.
I did hear that a few years ago he used
his own magic to make his body immortal.
His magic is getting stronger
and stronger every day.
They say there are only a few spells
that'll work on him.
You're not worried about me, are you?
That's absurd, you idiot!
I don't want you to die
before I get the chance
to kill you myself!
- Hey, virgin!
- [Sean] Huh?
You guys were pretty good friends, right?
So take care of her.
[Sean moaning]
Ow! What are you doing?
What'd I say? You're ruining my face!
Bye, bye, ladies!
Make sure you grow up into good women,
otherwise, I'll be back.
- [Lars] Where have I heard that before?
- [Dark Schneider] It's what Yoko'd say
- [Lars] Yep. Well
- [Dark Schneider] I didn't sound like her?
[Dark Schneider]
I will dropkick you again.
[Kai] Sean,
I think I understand what you meant now.
[ending theme music playing]
Please forgive me if you can.
Kai, I
I know he's a legendary wizard,
but he's still a human being.
I don't think a human,
no matter how skilled,
has the slightest chance
against the Count.
Take care of yourself, Dark Schneider.
[Dark Schneider groaning]
[Lars] What is it? What's wrong?
[Dark Schneider grimacing]
Hey! What the heck is going on?
I wanna do laundry.
[Lars] Hmm?
I said I wanna do the laundry!
[Lars groaning]
- [Dark Schneider straining]
- [Lars] I'm not liking this!
[Dark Schneider] Oh no!
I must have used too much magic
since I left the ninja fortress.
Lucien Renlen
is getting control of me again.
Dammit! I have to block it!
But we're in
the middle of enemy territory!
[screaming]
Dark Schneider!
Hello there.
- [whimsical music playing]
- [Lars] Huh? Dark Schneider!
Um, do you know if Yoko is around here?
Yoko!
[Head Knight] Onward!
There's no turning back now!
Show them
what a knight's honor really means!
[knights rallying cry]
[somber music playing]
Tell me how the battle is proceeding.
Please, dear Father.
Don't speak.
Your wounds could reopen at any time.
Put your mind at rest, Sire.
Our army is ready.
They won't lose. They're strong.
Please, Sire.
Focus on recovering
from your wounds as soon as you can.
I suppose I should.
By the way, Great Priest,
has Tia Noto Yoko left the castle already?
Yes. She left some time ago
on her search for Dark Schneider.
It's a daunting task,
but that is the destiny
that awaits the one who breaks the seal
of the legendary wizard.
She's strong in the same way
that her late mother was.
I have no doubt she'll succeed.
[priest] Princess Sheila, Great Priest.
The fourth arch has just fallen!
It can't be.
That means
that the front arch is our last defense!
[priest] I'm afraid it's only
a matter of time before it falls.
This is quite dire.
If they get control of
the seal guarded by our royal family,
the world will be destroyed!
We have to stop that
from happening, at any cost.
[grunting]
I fear we're losing this.
[orcs screaming]
[Gara] You seem to be in a bit
of a pickle without Dark Schneider!
What? Is this a joke?
Ninja Master Gara?
- [rock music playing]
- [laughing]
Ninja Master Gara
and his 2,000 Dark Ninjas!
- Huh?
- [knights gasping]
[orcs growling, snarling]
I'm here to help, old man!
[music fades]