Becker s02e09 Episode Script

Hate Thy Neighbor

( upbeat blues theme playing ) BECKER: Hold it.
Take me back.
I'm really hurting here.
John? What's going on? Help me, man.
Hey, hey, 3.
50.
Three-fifty? We only went 20 yards.
And back.
Three-fifty.
Yeah, yeah, here's the stupid money.
And, uh, let me give you a tip too.
Why don't you buy one of those pine-tree air fresheners? And hang it around your neck! Yeah, there you-- Ow, ow, ow! Hey, you okay? Jeez.
I'm doing a lot worse than I thought.
Help me inside, will you? ( upbeat blues theme playing ) Hurry up, Margaret.
Get me a cigarette.
I'm dying here.
Oh, I'm gonna go to hell for this, John.
You can't smoke in a hospital.
Yeah, right.
You couldn't get high in my freshman dorm either.
Open the window for me, will you? Oh.
All right, I'll fire this up.
You watch the door.
Mm.
Oh, God, yes.
Mm.
( clears throat ) Hey, relax, will you? I'm blowing it out the window.
Smoking in a hospital.
You're an even bigger ass than I thought.
She brought them.
Look, I can explain.
I-- Oh, it's okay.
I know how he can be.
Give me that.
Here.
( Becker groans ) So it appears I was right about you not being ready to leave the hospital.
I wouldn't mind hearing an apology.
Ha! He owes me one.
He owes everybody one.
Oh, all right.
It's not inconceivable that your assessment of my medical condition, both from a physical and emotional standpoint, was not entirely, and only inasmuch as it applies to last night, without merit.
Even without a cigarette, he's still blowing smoke.
A-All right.
You-- You were right.
I was wrong.
Now, when do I get out of here? In a few days.
It'll be at least a week before you can go back to work.
What? Oh, relax, John.
I already called the referral agency, and they're sending someone over to fill in for you.
No, you can't replace me with just anybody.
My patients trust me.
They know me.
They certainly do.
The police are checking them out as possible suspects.
Well, I-I-- ( upbeat blues theme playing ) You're late.
I have lived in New York my whole life, and I thought that I had seen it all.
But this morning, there was a cow on the subway tracks.
What happened? Now, uh-uh.
Eww.
Is the new doctor here yet? Yes.
His name is Dr.
Clark, and he's so nice.
He's not like Dr.
Becker at all.
He seems to actually like people.
Well, the agency gave him very high marks.
You know, he's a retired pediatrician.
Oh, Dr.
Clark, this is Margaret Wyborn.
Oh, yes, we spoke on the phone.
Nice to meet you, doctor.
So here comes the big brave boy.
Now, this nice lady is gonna run a little test on your tinkle.
So we can make your boo-boo all better.
Now here's your lolly.
Uh, yeah.
I gotta be going.
Call me if you have any problems making doody.
Cute kid.
( upbeat blues theme playing ) Hey! Anybody out there? I've been waiting here for hours.
Hey! The man across the hall came out of an eight-year coma to ask that you please shut up.
I've been waiting for a wheelchair, but apparently the nurses are all too busy neglecting other patients.
Actually, they're busy planning a party in honor of your leaving.
Which means that as of this moment, you are officially no longer my patient.
Free at last.
Sorry I'm late, Becker.
They set up a big sheet cake at the nurses' desk, and I stopped and had a piece.
Stop flapping your lips.
Get my stuff and let's go.
Why exactly did you save his life? Had to.
Took an oath.
Why'd you volunteer to take him home? Had to.
Lost a coin toss.
Come on, Becker, let's go.
Goodbye, Dr.
Becker.
Stay healthy.
Please.
( upbeat blues theme playing ) Is the new doctor here yet? He just called from his cell phone, and I think he's on his way.
You're not sure? The connection was really bad, and I couldn't quite understand what he was saying.
Oh, hello, doctor.
Hello.
I'm Margaret, the office manager, and this is Linda.
( foreign accent ): Ah, yes.
Thank you very much.
( speaking in foreign language ) Excuse me? ( chuckles ) ( speaking in foreign language ) ( laughs ) ( both chuckle ) Yeah, yeah.
Linda, could you help him with that? ( whispers ): Help him with what? All right, I'll try.
Uh, let's go into Dr.
Becker's office.
If you see anything you want, just point.
( speaks in foreign language ) It should have been a clue when he didn't have a vowel in his name.
( upbeat blues theme playing ) ( Indian music playing on stereo nearby ) Hey, foreign guy! Do you really like that music, or is it just the thrill of having electricity? Moron.
( music stops ) ( woman moaning upstairs ) Oh, man, they're at it again.
WOMAN ( upstairs ): Oh, Vinny.
Oh, Vinny! ( mouthing words ) Oh! Vinny! Oh, come on! Nobody's that good! ( baby crying nearby ) Oh, you happy, Vinny? You woke the baby again.
( knock on door ) Oh, crap.
Stop banging on my door.
I'm not buying any of your damn cookies.
( crying ) Oh, come on, come on.
What--? If only I'd run that fast when we first met.
Boo.
Neighbors getting on your nerves? Unbelievable.
I've never been here during the day.
I mean, these people are animals.
They should be living in trees.
( saxophone playing off-key nearby ) Oh, see? Kenny G's idiot cousin.
Hey.
You know, you practice all day, and you still sound like crap! Shut up! ( music stops ) What did you do, bring me another one of your lousy burgers? No, I came over because I was feeling too good about myself.
I'm gonna go wash my hands.
Why? Have you been in your elevator lately? ( knock on door ) Oh.
Damn kid.
What? Oh, it's you.
I was expecting a little girl.
Well, I'll be out of your way in a minute.
I just happened to be in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd see how you're doing.
Yeah, uh Well, come on in.
( stomps on ground ) Nice place.
Sort of Early Crime Scene.
It's messy, but it's clean.
There is a cockroach the size of my fist in your bathroom.
So step on it.
I did.
That just made it angry.
Hi.
Oh, hi.
All right, fine.
You two chat.
I've been dying to kill something all day.
Gee, I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
No, I just came by to drop off his lunch.
Um, look, I don't mean to be nosy, but, uh, I saw you at the hospital a lot, and of course now I'm seeing you here.
And, uh, I was just wondering if you and he are? Oh, me and Becker? No.
God, no.
I mean, how low would your self-esteem have to be to get involved with-- Oh.
Oh! Well, not that a nice, normal woman couldn't-- No, it's okay, it's okay.
It's just that he's-- I mean, he I'm not really sure what's wrong with me either.
( door closes ) Couldn't kill it either, could you? Not without backup.
Well, I'll see you later, Becker.
Nice to see you, Dr.
Carson.
Good luck.
I guess.
BECKER: Bye-bye.
What can I say? The sex isn't that good, but I need the money for school.
So I don't get it.
I thought we were officially through with each other.
We are.
So? So Well, the last couple of days I've been thinking about how unpleasant it was having you as my patient.
How you questioned my every decision, how we fought constantly, and how I never once walked out of your room without feeling so angry I just wanted to strangle you.
Well, I don't entirely miss that.
What? Look, we're not teenagers, so there's no reason to be cute or coy.
There's no reason we can't handle this like adults.
I like you.
Do you like me? ( mellow theme playing ) ( upbeat blues theme playing ) Well, I just asked if you liked me.
If you have to think about it, I guess I have my answer.
No, no, wait a minute.
I'm just surprised, that's all.
I mean, I never thought of you thinking of me in that way.
I mean, I-- I guess I noticed that you were sort of bright and not really unattractive, but Only I figured you hated me, so why bring it up.
Is that a yes? Yeah.
Yeah, I guess it is.
Now what? Well, we could, uh, I don't know, go out to dinner or I thought I wasn't supposed to go out for a week.
That's what you said.
Well, we could always have dinner here.
Oh.
All right.
Yeah.
How about Friday? I'm on call.
Saturday? On call.
Sunday? Niece's birthday party.
Then I'm on call.
Hey, you wanna help me out here? This was your idea.
Well, you could offer me some coffee now.
Yeah, I could if I had some.
Uh, you know, wait a minute.
I got an idea.
Uh, wanna split a hamburger? Love to.
( pager beeps ) Oh, don't tell me.
Are you on call? Look, you were doing okay.
Don't be a jerk.
You know, actually I'm relieved.
I hate first dates.
All that getting-to-know-you crap.
Yeah, yeah, it's a real drag.
Uh, look, why don't you give me a French fry, we can call this our first date.
Then it'll be over.
Cool.
I just saved, like, 80 bucks.
This was real nice.
Yeah.
Yeah, we'll have to do this again sometime soon.
Yeah.
I'll call you.
( upbeat blues theme playing ) DOCTOR: Now remember, Mrs.
Pinzik, even if you start to feel better, I want you to finish all the antibiotic, okay? It was very nice to meet you.
Nice woman.
Just give me a moment, and, uh, send the next patient back, okay? BOTH: Okay.
( upbeat blues theme playing ) BECKER: Hi.
Fasten your seat belt.
You're in for one hell of a romantic evening.
( chuckles ) Go on, go on, go on.
Get back in your cave, will you? Check this out.
The Jake First Date Experience In A Bag.
Got some lobster fettuccine, tiramisu, linen tablecloth, scented candles and Miles Davis, a man I like to call the Closer.
( woman moaning upstairs ) Oh, great, it's "Oh, Vinny" time.
The couple upstairs.
WOMAN: Oh, Vinny! It never stops.
All right, Vinny.
Come on, Vinny, even a train stops.
Hey, look, John, if you hammer on people like that when Liz is here, she's gonna take a cab on you.
Ah, she saw how I was at the hospital.
Yeah, but, John, all right.
If you want this woman to like you, you have to show her the nice Becker, the romantic Becker.
You know, the pretend Becker.
You got a problem with your neighbors, work it out.
You know, talk to them, write them a note.
( saxophone plays off-key nearby ) You know something? You're right.
Hey, give me a break, will you, butt-head! Yeah, a nice little polite note.
That's a good idea.
Forget what I said.
A bottle of chloroform and a rope couldn't keep that woman here.
See you later.
( upbeat blues theme playing ) Thank you, Mr.
Franklin.
Well, that was the last patient.
How do I look? Not subtle.
Good.
I wanna look my best for Doctor Iverson.
He's single, he's a Libra, and he's never been arrested.
How do you know all that? I engaged him in conversation.
And I listened.
Thank you, Cosmo.
Well, okay, but don't do anything to ruin this.
He's the last available doctor the agency has.
Thanks for a great day, ladies.
Good night.
( mellow blues theme playing ) ( upbeat blues theme playing ) ( knock on door ) Hi.
Hi.
Uh, why don't you come on in? You didn't have to go to all this trouble.
Oh, neither did you.
I mean, what I meant is, uh, I didn't expect you to look so good.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Uh, why don't you go ahead and have a seat? So So Oh, I love chardonnay.
That's what I got.
Oh.
Sorry.
You don't do this very much, do you? Not since my last divorce.
How many times have you been married? Twice.
You? Once.
Any kids? Just my ex-husband.
Hm.
Any hobbies? Smoking.
You? Baseball.
Really? Mets or Yankees? Hey, I'm a real New Yorker.
So whichever one has a shot, hm? Exactly.
Ha-ha.
( laughs ) We're doing all right.
Yeah, yeah.
This isn't nearly as horrible as I thought it would be.
Thank you.
Yeah, I'm actually kind of having fun.
Me too.
( knock on door ) Go away! Please.
( knocking on door ) Uh Hold on a second, will you? What? Listen, Becker, I got your little note.
And if you think we're only gonna have sex when it's convenient for you.
Think again.
Jerk.
( door closes ) I-I can explain.
You don't owe me any explanations.
No, no, see, it's just that she likes to have sex in the afternoon.
And you don't.
No, no, it's-- It's-- The problem is she's kind of a screamer, so-- ( knocking on door ) Hold that thought, will you? Hey, look, I got something going here.
What do you-- You don't like the baby crying, you do something about it.
You're the one responsible for this.
Does she know about the other one? Oh, I can explain this too.
You see-- Did you tell my son you were gonna kill Barney? Oh, all right, yes.
His brother's name is Barney.
Oh, I-- No, I meant I was gonna kill Barney the Dinosaur.
( crying ) You actually said that? Like that's a bad idea? ( baby and boy crying ) Hey, hey, I teach saxophone to pay my rent.
He wants to throw me out on the street.
You teach? I mean, you suck.
You gotta be kidding me.
Maybe I should come back another time.
No, no, no, don't, don't go anywhere.
Please.
See, this is their fault.
No, hey, shut up for a second, will you? See, the thing is, they were bothering me, so I wrote them all nice polite little notes-- MAN: Polite? Mine was struck to the door with a knife.
No.
Oh That's-- You know, I tried to be nice to you people.
I really have.
But there's just no living with you.
You're a bunch of loud, selfish, inconsiderate, mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging imbeciles.
And if I left anyone out, I'm sorry.
( all grumbling ) Hold on, hold on, people, give him a break.
He's on a lot of medication.
Oh, please, don't listen to her.
She's just another one of his whores.
( gasps ) He's got prostitutes coming and going all day.
Women and men.
Hello! ( all chattering ) Go on, get out of here.
Get out of here.
Go on.
Go on.
Hey.
Hey, hey, watch the door, Ironside.
BECKER: Oh, jeez.
All right, all right, look, you wanted to get to know me.
This is me, you know.
Look, I-I like you, but I can't pretend to be somebody else just for the sake of a relationship which, if history's taught me anything, is not gonna go anywhere anyway.
It was worth a shot, but you know, you-- You still have most of your looks left.
You know, if you wanna-- If you wanna move on, you know, n-no hard feel-- Boy, you must really be screwed up.
( upbeat blues theme playing ) ( upbeat blues theme playing )