Becker s02e10 Episode Script

Pain in the Aspirin

( upbeat blues theme playing ) ( knock on door ) I told you in the lobby, I didn't steal your stupid Newsweek.
It's Liz.
Oh, hey, come on in, it's open.
Hey, I was about to call Ming's Palace.
What--? What do you want? Uh, Lo mein or Mu shu? No way.
No more take-out.
Even Chinese cannibals don't eat this much Chinese.
Tonight, I'm cooking.
Can you cook Chinese? I'm making gazpacho.
You can use chopsticks if you want to.
So how was your day? What? Oh, yeah.
Catch me, I'm weak in the knees.
Well, you know.
Well, I'm just gonna go freshen up, and I'll get dinner started in a minute.
All right, all right.
Driver's license, Oh, boy, glad I didn't see that picture first.
National Organization for Women has a credit card? For what, shoes? John? Yeah? There's, uh, wine in there if you wanna open it.
Pepper spray? Huh.
Must have come with that credit card.
( door opens ) Did you open it? What? Uh, I didn't-- I didn't open anything.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I probably shouldn't have asked you.
Probably hard with your shoulder and everything, huh? How is it? What? Oh, a little stiff, actually.
You know something? Maybe I should take a couple of aspirins.
You want to, uh--? Want to give me some? Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't have any aspirin.
Really? You're not gonna believe this.
Last night I'm with Liz, right, my shoulder's hurting, and-- And I ask her for a couple of aspirin, which I happen to know she has in her purse.
She lies to me and tells me she doesn't have any.
You haven't been here for two weeks.
No hello? No nothing? Hello.
Does that do it for you? Hello.
There's one for you too, so don't you start bitching.
You know, the amazing thing isn't that you got shot.
It's that you don't get shot more often.
BECKER: Just try to focus, will you, please? The amazing thing is that Liz didn't give me any aspirin.
And I knew for a fact she had aspirin in her purse.
How did you know she had aspirin in her purse? That's not important.
See, the point is-- Wait, wait, wait a minute.
How did you know? You snooped in her purse, didn't you? What? No, no, I did not snoop through her purse.
The purse was sitting on my counter.
It was wide open, and I happened to notice a-- A tin of aspirin.
Oh, so it was right on top? It was near the top.
So you had to move stuff out of the way to see it? All right, fine, it was right on the top.
Look, anyway, here's what's bothering me-- Becker, don't you see how dishonest this is? Exactly.
How can I trust someone who would lie to me about aspirin? How can she trust someone who's gonna snoop through her purse? She makes a good point.
Oh, you know, why do I even bother talking to you people? Just give me some coffee, will you? How do you know I have coffee? Oh, shut up.
Ha-ha! You know, make that coffee to go, as a matter of fact.
I always make it to go.
Now go.
( laughing ) ( blues theme playing ) ( blues theme playing ) Greetings, riffraff.
So Bob just came from a settlement conference with the soon-to-be ex-wife.
It worked out well.
We did a fifty-fifty split.
She gets to live inside the house, and I get to live outside.
I don't even know your ex-wife, Bob, but I really like her.
Bottom line, this wrinkled little thing is all Bob has left in the whole world.
Oh, please tell me he's holding up money.
Yup, my last dollar.
Ah, but I guess things could be worse.
At least I'm better off than old View-Master here.
Bob, lay off Jake.
Every time you're in here, you call him View-Master, Dead Lights, Blinky, Hawkeye, Specs, Little Stevie-- Okay, Reg, you made your point.
Hey, it's all right.
Bob's going through a rough time.
Poor guy's down to a lousy dollar.
What can you buy for a buck? Well, except for maybe dreams.
What're you talking about? Oh, nothing.
You know what, this is none of my business.
No, no, Bob is intrigued.
Tell me more.
Just that, if it were me, I-- I'd be tempted to go buy a lotto scratcher, try and change my luck.
Hey, what've I got to lose? I'll give it a try.
Here, knock yourself out.
You carry them on you? Well, I keep one in my pocket just to pick stuff out of my teeth.
BOB: Hey.
Bob won 20 bucks.
What? All right.
This'll buy three new dress shirts and a half a pound of faux crabmeat.
Well, if that's all you need in life, fine.
I mean, but the grand prize is $50,000.
( chuckles ) Now that's life-changing money.
Fifty grand? You're right.
It could be a whole new beginning.
Give me 20 more tickets.
Coming right up.
( chuckles ) Hey, thanks for looking out for me.
Well, you know, as best you can.
Jake, what are you doing? You hate that little grease stain.
Besides, no one ever wins those things.
It's just an excuse to get pathetic losers to blow their life savings.
You know, okay, you may win a little, but eventually you-- ( chuckling ) Oh, you're evil.
Look, I'm gonna make him think that there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
Then I'm gonna be the train coming the other way.
Heh-heh! ( blues theme playing ) Margaret, don't just stand there.
We have to get everything ready for the party.
Becker's coming back today.
Believe me, the party's over.
Don't worry, I won't make a big deal.
Here, put this on.
And here's your noisemaker.
Now come over here and help me move the piano.
Linda, we are not having a party.
He would hate that.
Well, maybe Dr.
Becker's not so crabby anymore.
After all, he was shot.
That changes a person.
It's like in those old movies where the meanest, nastiest, grumpiest, most stick-up-his-butt guy in town has a brush with death and suddenly turns nice.
Oh, uh, I was talking about somebody else with a stick up his butt.
Welcome back.
John, welcome back.
How are you feeling? Get this.
Last night Liz lied to me about having aspirin in her purse 'cause she didn't wanna give me any.
What do you think of that? How did you know she had aspirin in her purse? Wh-- Why--? Why does everybody keep missing the point of this story? You snooped through her purse, didn't you? No, I did not.
Look, this is not about snooping.
This is about being honest, which Liz wasn't when she lied to me about the aspirin.
Oh, you know-- Anyway, I want this to be an easy day for you, so I cut back on your appointments.
Now, if you need anything at all, you just ask me because I don't want you to have to-- Margaret, Margaret, I'm fine.
You know, don't worry.
I can take care of myself.
Help me take this off, will you? All right.
But just make sure that you change your bandage every three hours.
Yes, Mother.
Now, you wanna burp me, or can I see my first patient? Oh, all right.
Noel Flecklin is in One, and from what he said, it's just simple dermatitis.
I'm sure he only needs cortisone cream.
Thank you for your diagnosis, doctor.
Now, if you don't mind, I'll look for myself.
Oh, jeez, Mr.
Flecklin, you're-- You're naked.
Why? I got a little rash.
I thought you might wanna take a look at it.
Well I don't really have much of a choice at this point, do I? You know, we got-- We got paper gowns for just such an occasion.
Hell, we-- We got lead goggles for just such an occasion.
Hey, I got nothing to be ashamed of.
You know, the human body's a beautiful thing.
Oh, well, some are, some aren't.
All right, you wanna show me where this rash of yours is? Yeah, it's right here.
Aw, jeez.
So, what do you think I got? No regard whatsoever for your fellow man.
You know, put-- Put your leg down.
( blues theme playing ) Here's where I'm at.
Liz didn't want me to have any of her aspirin.
Why? Why? You know, is she selfish? Is she a liar? Is this some kind of mind game? Damn it, things were going so well, and now this-- This aspirin thing.
Well, maybe she's hoarding aspirin because to go out with you, she needs all the aspirin she can get.
Or here's a crazy thought: Maybe she simply forgot she had aspirin in her purse.
It's an intriguing theory.
I'm gonna check that out.
I'll get back to you.
I'll be on the edge of my seat.
Hey, Gulliver, I'm trying to get in.
You mind? Yeah, not so much now that I'm getting out.
So, Jake, you know those tickets you sold me? I sure do.
Well, I won 100 bucks.
Oh, I'm sorry, Bob, you can't win-- What? Just like you said, Bob's luck is changing.
Now pay up.
Oh, wait a minute.
R-Reg, is this true? Ugh, afraid so.
He got three Giulianis.
Hey, that's cool, Bob.
I mean, not that 100 bucks'll change your life, but it is an opportunity to invest in 100 more chances to win the big money.
The really big life-changing money.
( chuckling mischievously ) ( blues theme playing ) What are you doing? Huh? Oh, I'm just cleaning out my wallet.
It's amazing all the junk you accumulate.
I mean, I got stuff in here I never use.
Like money? ( chuckles ) No, I mean, oh, like this.
Yeah, I got a coupon for free yogurt.
Expired a year ago.
Dry-cleaning receipts.
I completely forgot I had that.
Has that ever happened to you? You know, do you ever, uh? Do you ever forget you have stuff in, I don't know, your purse? Never.
I know everything in my purse.
Really? ( blues theme playing ) ( blues theme playing ) Well, why would you say that? I-- I was not snooping in her purse.
And, anyway, the-- The point is, if she knows every single thing that's in her purse, why didn't she give me the aspirin? Right.
Is it okay if I use your bathroom? What? Oh, yeah.
It's in there.
John, you are getting too worked up about this.
It can't be good for your blood pressure.
I mean, after all, you are still recuperating.
Margaret, I'm fine.
Well, just the same, I moved some appointments around for you this afternoon so that you can have an hour to relax.
Oh, good.
Give me some time to sort out this aspirin thing.
No, I meant if you wanna take a rest.
Margaret, will you stop, please? I don't need a nanny.
Will you quit hovering around me like one of those--? Come on, help me here.
Wh-- What hovers? Oh, just forget it.
Oh, good, Linda, I'm glad you're here.
You are? Yeah, yeah.
I wanna ask you something.
It has-- Has to do with aspirin.
I'm allergic to aspirin.
It-- That doesn't matter.
It could be anything.
It could be, uh, oranges.
It could be cars.
It doesn't matter.
Hm, let me think.
What could be aspirin, oranges or cars? It-- It doesn't matter.
( laughs ) I get it.
Okay, I have one for you now.
What has two legs but can't walk? Oh.
Has two eyes but can't see? It's a potato! No, that's not right.
( blues theme playing ) Damn.
I'm a loser.
We know that, Bob.
How's the lottery going? What was Bob thinking? The lottery's a fool's game.
Jake, I-I wanna turn in the rest of these tickets and get my money back.
Hey, come on, Bob, your eye's on the prize.
I mean, 50 G's.
That's financial security, a-- A big gold ring that says "Bob" across three fingers or-- Or, who knows, maybe even a place to live.
A big gold ring.
Forget what I said.
I can do this.
All right.
Well, Reg, you were wrong.
She didn't forget she had any aspirin.
She told me she knows every single thing that's in her purse.
Did she know you were in her purse? Ah, don't-- Don't-- Don't try and change the subject.
You know what I think? I think you're trying to sabotage this relationship.
Because for the first time in years, you've realized you're growing close to someone, and it scares you to death.
So you're trying to create a problem where there isn't a problem.
That's what I think.
Boy, two months of Psych 101, and it's Vienna all over again.
You know what? Forget it.
Here, aspirin.
A lifetime supply.
Why would you buy this much aspirin? Well, when you're here, I give them out instead of mints.
Oh, my God.
Bob won! Bob won! Again? Oh, what--? What'd you get this time, Bob? Twenty bucks? Fifty bucks? Ten grand! ( everyone cheering ) JAKE: Liar.
No, it's true.
And it's all thanks to you, man.
No, it can't be.
Hey, some schmuck wins every minute.
This time it's Bob.
Hold on, Bob.
Ten thousand dollars? Is that really life-changing money? Ha, not this time, LensCrafter.
Bob's going to quit while he's ahead.
He's a very happy man.
Boy, if my ex-wife knew about this, it would kill her.
God, I hope she's home.
( blues theme playing ) How could Reggie say I'm not capable of having a relationship with a woman? I mean, can you believe that? Me.
I've been married and divorced twice.
Doesn't that say something? You're right.
Everybody else in the world is wrong.
Is that the answer you're looking for? Well, it happens to be the right answer, but I don't think it's coming from the right place.
Whatever you say.
It's time for you to take your antibiotics.
I'll take them when I'm ready.
It says "four times daily," and you already missed-- You know, Margaret, I've got one woman in my life who won't give me any pills, and the other one's trying to shove them down my throat.
Something's wrong.
I can tell.
Ever since you got back, all you've done is babble about aspirin.
Meanwhile, I have done everything I can to try and make things easier for you, but you treat me like I am just one more annoyance in your life.
Look, Margaret-- You were shot, John.
You could have died.
And you act like nothing even happened.
Look, I'm trying not to dwell on it.
I wanna put all that behind me.
Well, I can't.
Why is it when people try to get close to you, all you do is push them away? God knows why, but I care about you.
Margaret, you-- You know that I Well, I mean, we-- We What was that? You care about me too? Well, you-- You know.
And you appreciate the things I do for you? And maybe you even need me? That's good.
And over the years you've grown to feel a true and lasting affection for me? Yeah, all that.
Thank you.
( blues theme playing ) ( door opens, closes ) Hey, guys.
Becker, if the word "aspirin" comes out of your mouth, you're gonna eat this sponge.
Oh, no, don't worry, I'm-- I'm completely over that.
Yeah, it's been recently brought to my attention that when it comes to relationships, my priorities might be a little out of whack.
Excuse me, but I'm the one who told you that.
Oh, come on, Reg, don't be so self-absorbed.
This is about me.
Bob is depressed.
Yeah, well, don't-- Don't ask her for help.
She hasn't been right yet.
Turns out since Bob's ex isn't his ex yet, she's staking her claim to half of Bob's lottery winnings.
Oh, don't bitch.
You still got five grand.
Yeah, but all that's going to Bob's creditors and the IRS.
All Bob has left are his good looks.
Well, at least you've got your health.
Not even.
Turns out Bob's allergic to the coating on the lottery tickets.
Painful rash.
Now you know why they're called scratchers.
So Bob itches, Bob's broke, and he's got $200 in medical bills.
Bob is screwed.
And not in a good way.
Jake is back.
( blues theme playing ) Hi there.
( sighs ) You didn't have to tell me this time.
( sighs ) It's good to finally be here.
My day sucked.
Oh, really? I'm sorry.
Oh, it's okay.
Hey, if-- If you don't wanna go to a movie, we can stay here.
Oh, that's okay, it's okay.
I'll be fine.
I just have a little headache.
Could you get me some water? For what? I'm gonna take an aspirin.
You-- You're gonna take my aspirin? Yeah, is that a problem? Are you out of your mind?! Excuse me? A couple of nights ago, I asked you point-blank whether or not you had any aspirin in your purse, and you said no! I don't have any aspirin in my purse.
Oh, yeah? What do you call this? An aspirin tin.
And what's in it? Allergy pills.
What? I keep them in there because it's a perfect size for my purse.
Okay, well, then let me just get you that water.
Oh, John? Yeah? How'd you know what was in my purse? Oh, let's not go off on all kinds of tangents here.
You went through my things.
Li-- It wasn't as bad as it sounds.
See, what-- What happened is you-- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You went straight to my file cabinet to get the aspirin.
How do you know I keep it there? Well, that's where you keep all of your medicine.
How do you know where I keep my medicine? Well, the other day I was looking for something-- You were snooping.
You know what? We're gonna be late for that movie.
No, no, come on, don't change the subject here.
What were you looking for? You looked through my purse.
I looked through your drawers.
Let's just, uh, say we're both a little screwed up and call it even.
Yeah, well, I don't know about even.
I think you're a little more screwed up than I am, you know.
I'm not the one who has therapy every Tuesday morning.
You read my datebook? Oh, look what time it is.
We're gonna miss previews ( blues theme playing ) ( upbeat blues theme playing )