Big Box Little Box (2015) s01e04 Episode Script

Episode 4

1 'Over 20,000 new products are released in the UK every month.
' An inflatable hot tub! - It can't be a car.
- It is a car! Flatulence-filtering underpants.
Ugh! 'But are they any good?' 'To help us find out, homes across Britain are getting a special delivery.
' You look like an idiot! 'Over two days, they'll be living with a truckload of the latest gadgets and gizmos' Does it look good? - Oh, my goodness! - Rrragh! '.
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to find out if they make life easier' I can hear water boiling.
Yes! '.
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or if they're simply a waste of space.
' I'm feeling very confused! You're embarrassed? You're at home! I'm sitting on a park bench talking to my finger! - Let's go! - Who's going first, then? - 'Coming up' - Come on, precious, let's have a look.
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a vibrating machine that shakes you into shape' Look at your little legs! Whoo-hoo! How do you stop it? - There's me! - No way! '.
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a selfie toaster which aims to make an impression' - You can eat my face.
- A new point in our friendship! - I'm not riding round on that thing! - '.
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and the latest transport gizmo' - Look at him go! '.
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a futuristic unicycle which could change the way we travel.
' This is the second meal you'll have cooked me.
- We had a chicken curry once, which was gorgeous.
- I'm treating you.
- Now I'm having an egg.
- You're having an egg now.
- 'It's the first day of testing.
' - Green light! Right, come on.
We're ready.
'Window cleaner Barry is hoping to impress his landlady, Julie, with a new machine to cook eggs.
' Oh, we don't want the shell in.
That's no good.
No shell in.
'It makes an omelette on a stick.
- 'Just plop the eggs in the machine with a skewer' - Look at that, eh?! '.
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and when they're fully cooked, they'll rise up all by themselves.
' - It looks a bit Space Age.
- It does a little bit, doesn't it? - It does.
- It looks like if you talked to it, it would answer you back.
- Quite possibly.
Right, OK.
- Right, how long do we cook it for? - Just Just do it as you go! Just do it as you go! - 'Ford learned to cook in the Navy' - I've got to see this.
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and has done most of the cooking throughout his 52 years of marriage.
' - We'll put two in, then, do you? - All right.
You mustn't keep touching it! - I've got to check it.
- But you don't have to touch it! - You -- - Shush! So I'll just read that to you again.
- "For fully" - You've got to time this.
- Could you shush? - Yeah.
Go on.
"Eggs may normally rise out" The mind boggles! - I'm waiting on it pop up.
- Is it going to pop up? - It says it might rise out.
- Where does it say that? It comes up on the skewer, a boiled-egg phoenix.
- Has it started coming up the chamber? - Has it heck! We've got another minute and then it's like "Hoo-hoo!" "We recommend that you use the use of meat" "Meat We recommend the use of a meat thermometer to ensure the cooking is done thoroughly.
" What are we going to open, a cookery school or something? - Hey! - Ooh, I say! - Ooh, that doesn't look very appetising.
- Cover your eyes, dear! - Look at that! - What the hell's that? It's like a large sausage! Yeah.
An anaemic sausage.
It's ideal for lazy buggers like me when all I want for to do is come in from work, put two eggs in, get a shower, get changed, come down, pop a bit of toast on, job's a good 'un, egg on toast, no messing.
What an extraordinary thing.
Well, that is quite impressive, dear.
That would be absolutely wonderful at a party.
That would really bring the house down, I'll tell you.
Why? What would that do? Use your imagination, dear.
It rises up, doesn't it? You're just vulgar.
What is it? 'For people who prefer more traditional eggs, this next product should be right up their alley.
' - Chickens! - It's chickens! - Oh, wow! - Be careful.
'Matt and Nicola have always dreamed of keeping chickens but never had the time.
' They've got a proper posh house.
'For around £499, excluding hens, the Eglu, with its fox-resistant bars and in-built chicken run, might just make them change their mind.
' No way! Look at this! - Look at this.
- Oh, my God, they are so cute! - Are you going to lay some nice eggs? This is the best gadget I could ask for.
- I am so chuffed.
- Brilliant.
I'm a professional cynic But my heart's not in it I'm paying the price of living life At the limit Oh, my days! Look! 'It may be sunny side up for the Lloyds, but it's a different story in Ilford.
' Ooh, look at them! - What is this? - Chickens.
- Ooh! '750,000 Brits have joined the hen revolution, but are the Selants ready to join their ranks?' - What do you reckon? - Yeah? - No? That's going to be providing our breakfast.
No.
Save Dad some money.
- No.
- We're going to be having fresh eggs.
- No! - Big, aren't they? Do you reckon you'll be good at looking after them? - Yeah! - We've always fancied having chickens.
- Yeah.
- It really ticks the box for me, so it'll be great.
- Yeah.
Don't feed them till breakfast.
I will not like the chickens in my life.
I think you will.
Once it lays that first egg, we're going to be, "Yes!" Ooh! Don't tell the landlady I did that, will you? It'll be all right.
I'll get her to walk in and distract her.
- Eww! - Gross.
- Ugh! - Nice.
Oh, no! I'd love a MiniDrone! If we go down the road to Wattisham and set this off, we should have a third world war going.
It's eggs from the chicken outside.
- It laid some, did it? - Yes.
- How did the chickens get the date on there? - We've got stamps at the back.
- All right, Phil.
- Hello, mate.
- Look what I've got for us! - What on earth is that? - It's an AirWheel.
Apparently, you can zoom around on it.
'Matt Lloyd, a fireman, is roping in workmate Phil to road-test a new transport gizmo aimed at commuters' Watch out for any obstructions.
We best mind the fire engines, then.
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an electric unicycle that will cost you around £800.
' - I know it looks a bit funny.
That's better.
- I've known you a long time.
- 'And you don't need a licence.
' - Here we go.
- I can't walk with you like this all day.
- I know we can't.
Eh! - That's clever, that.
- Right, I'm letting go.
- Right, go.
- You're away.
I've been driving in my car "Shift your body weight to the leg on the ground.
" No, that's not what I said! You don't take your left leg off.
- You have to try and get your balance.
- Yeah, I'm trying to.
The wind's not helping, either.
Maintain this position.
- That's not what I said.
- I know, but I'm doing it my way.
- You're not going to get your balance like that.
- I am.
- Shall I put the instructions away? - It's hard! - But you're not listening.
- I know what you're saying! - You're doing your own thing.
- 'It's up to 16-year-old Saf to step in.
' - It's hard! - You've got to get your balance.
- No, you don't.
It stabilises.
- Does it? - What's that? - Ah, you're joking? - What did you do? - Turned it on.
- You turned it on! - Yes! Speed up now! - That's it, yeah.
Sorted.
- You can come to work on it next week now.
- Yeah.
That's good.
Ooh! Spoke too soon! And he's off! Look at him go! Why are you going into a car for? Tilt it to the side a little bit, maybe.
No, no, no.
Dad, go faster.
How cool is that? 'I need this in my life.
It beats walking.
' I could go to the shops more often.
I can just got for a stroll, keep fit.
- I -- - You're not keeping fit on that! What part of it are you keeping fit? I'm moving my arms and that! - I've got it! - Yes.
'We absolutely loved it.
' Anybody who can stand up, who's got good balance, who can ride a bike, is certainly capable of easily using it.
You can grip it between your legs a bit more.
You lean forward Whaa Whay! No! Mate, watch out! Ooh! - That looked like - OK, don't.
Don't! You can have some fun with this and probably break every bone in your body.
'The first day is drawing to a close.
' Forwards! Whoo! Nice kneepads.
- Selfie toaster.
- Eggs on toast.
You'll just get left with egg on your face.
- Here we go! - Here we go! - It looks pretty disgusting.
- It's just weird.
Where's my eggs? 'And still no egg for Sid.
' Don't you look away from me when I'm talking to you.
"Yes, master.
" "I will give you eggs, master.
" It just looks disgusting.
It's got tentacles.
It looks like something out of the sea.
'Homes across the UK' - You go get the bread and the butter.
- Catch.
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are testing the latest gadgets and gizmos.
' Just a minute.
I need my bib first.
Come on, Rover, walkies! Morning, sir.
- Ayup, mate.
- Areet? - All right.
You? - I've just had the worst experience ever with a tube egg-maker.
- Oh, dear.
'The lads met working in a call centre four years ago.
' - I'm going to make Lewis eggs.
He's being miserable because I've not made him breakfast.
- Poor lad.
- That's what I live to do.
- Make Lewis breakfast? - Yes.
I'm going to fry some eggs normally.
That's convenient, because I'm going to make some selfie toast, so then you can eat my face.
That'll be a new point in our friendship.
'The selfie toaster puts your face on toast.
' 'Just send in a photo and they'll create a special stencil.
' Oh, right! That's your face.
Hey, that's my face! - Does that look like me? - Yeah.
It's the eyes.
Oh, yeah.
A real likeness.
- Do we just slot them in? - There's, like, little drawers.
Ah, yeah, I see.
I'm guessing -- I say I'm guessing how to make toast! -- you pop the bread in Ah, the toast's too thick.
It's not flat enough.
Hang on.
- What are you doing? - Flattening the bread so it'll go in.
There you go, look.
That's only doing half the toast.
'The Selant family have abandoned their traditional breakfast of egg chutney for selfie toast a la Saf.
' Custom selfie toaster which needs custom bread, by the looks of it.
What are you supposed to do with this top half? Look, yeah, you guys aren't doing it.
Let us do it.
Oh! Get me a plate! Get me a plate! It's me! - Spot on, isn't it? - What a likeness! - That's good, that.
Butter me up, son.
- All your girlfriends are gonna go, "We want a slice of Saf!" - Ha-ha-ha.
So funny.
"We don't want a piece of him, we want a slice of him!" - I didn't like the selfie toaster.
- Why didn't you like it? - Because I didn't.
- Because it had your picture on it! - I have my reasons.
- There you go.
- Cheers, mate.
I wonder how many people would buy it with my face on it.
I'm just worried that somewhere, my face is saved in some warehouse database, that, like, in about 20 years' time, I'm just going to be printed on the side of a car or - You're so vain - So vain I'll bet you think this song Is about you Don't you? Don't you now? - Right, I'm going for it.
- Get ready.
- Get ready.
'Matt and Nicola have swapped their regular walk for a session on a HyperVibe.
' - Get ready.
- Oh, yeah! 'It's a vibrating platform that could tone your muscles quicker than a normal workout at the gym.
' - What else are we supposed to do? - Well, if we follow a workout progr-a-a-a-m! What the devil is it? It's rather heavy, whatever it is.
'Ford and Jane also like to keep fit.
' - Don't let it fall over, Ford.
- It'll be all right.
Don't worry, angel! Don't worry! 'At weekends, Ford rides his bike and Jane goes to water aerobics.
' So, presumably, you just stand on there and once it's on, you press these.
- But the one thing you've got to remember - I wish you'd stop pointing! .
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how to stop the machine.
- That's always a good idea.
- Hit the red number.
- That's it.
Good girl.
Once you're on there, if it gets a bit too much for you, turn it off.
Yes, Ford.
- We'll go for weight loss and fitness.
- Right, OK, then.
Press that.
Now, look, if you want to stay married to me for much longer, - stop telling me what to do.
- Yes, dear.
OK.
OK.
Go on.
- Go on now! - I can see my boobs on the go! That's all right! Bringing tears to my eyes! I see you, baby Ah, gees, look at me wobbling! I can really feel my legs! I always thought my legs weren't bad but they're wobbling more.
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shaking that ass I've got blooming bingo wings! Ah, here we are, lumbar massage.
Right.
Now, you have to sit on it for that.
OK, lumbar massage.
Right, dear, we've got massage.
Oh, wow! - Oh, this is fun.
- The whole house is going! That girl on there was 40 stone when she started.
She's about eight now.
If you were very, very overweight and you'd got a lot of fat .
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jumping up and down, - I can foresee a lot of discomfort.
- So could I.
- You'd get whiplash.
- Yes! If someone gave it to me I would say, "Thanks, but no thanks" because it would end up in my garage.
I'd rather spend money on a new pair of trainers and go outside.
- That's a big manual.
- It is.
- Are you going to read it? - Stick that on the fire.
It's laid two! - No way! - Already? I can't believe they've laid two already.
Fingers crossed Oh! No egg whatsoever.
Wishful thinking.
It's even jubbling your cheeks! - I haven't got cheeks to jubble! - You have! - Am I all right just holding the handle? - Keep hold.
I've done this loads of times, honest.
'Barry has offered to paint the bedroom door for his landlady Julie.
' - You have to undo three or it won't come off.
- I know that.
They told me in joinery school.
If you believe that, I'll tell you another.
If you paint this door right, I forgive you all your tales.
'The last time Barry painted anything was in art at school, but the Wagner Spray Painter could be just what he needs.
' - Ooh! - There's two speeds to it, so you go D'you know what I mean? And you can slow it down.
- Shall we try the slow speed until you get? - Naturally.
It just takes a steady hand.
It won't take me two minutes.
Good.
Can you do the whole house?! - What? - Wagner.
He's done well after The X Factor! - What is that? - That looks too overly complicated.
There we go, look.
That, yeah, that goes in there.
Boom! We have got matt emulsion .
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colbat.
Wait, wait! Hold on! What did you say then? - Colbat.
- Cobalt.
- It's thick.
- I think we need water in that.
It's thicker than him.
- Dilute it by 10 percent.
- Done.
Now we need to get the bookcase.
- Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be - A painter.
Ghostbusters! I ain't afraid of no ghost 'Barry opted not to follow the instructions, which advise you to prep the door first.
' It's not going on proper, that.
It's bubbling everywhere.
Look at the state of that.
I don't think Julie's going to be impressed with this door! Hee-hee! Julie, you'll love this, love! It's a great job so far! This is quite fun.
It was easy to use.
Something that complicated normally would take us hours to figure out.
- Yeah.
- Cleaning it's probably a ball-ache, but it's paint, innit? That came out all right.
Personally, I'd rather give £149.
99 to a professional decorator and say, "Crack on, pal.
I'm going down the pub for a few pints.
" - Oh, my Lord, have you done that? - I have, yeah.
- But, er - It's running.
- Your dressing gown would cover that up.
You won't see it.
- You might've put a bit too much on.
If I did that as a job, I wouldn't get paid.
- Put it there.
I'm not going to pay you! - Thanks! I'm not getting any money knocked off my rent? Let's have a see what it's like when it's dry.
'The testing is nearly over' "Luke, I am your father.
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but there's time for one last product' Come on! This way, man.
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the Parrot Mini Rolling Drone.
' 'At around £90, minus the tablet, it's one of the cheapest drones on the market.
' It looks quite evil, doesn't it? - This way.
- Pussy, pussy, pussy! - What was it called? - Parrot MiniDrone.
- Parrot MinDrone.
- MiniDrone.
- Are you broken? - MiniDrone.
- Minidrome.
- Parrot - Parrot.
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MiniDrone.
- Minidrome.
It was dead easy to set up.
I managed to get to grips with the flips and stuff like that.
I keep missing it! - It wasn't the easiest thing to use, was it? - Trial and error.
Now! Yeah.
Did anybody see that coming? I did.
I was very impressed with the way it moved.
Oh, wow, look! It even moves like a bee! We were getting into it and the battery went flat.
It's another hour and a half to charge it.
- Can I touch it? - Yeah, if you want to, dear.
- Agh! - Shut up.
God! - I'm gonna buy it.
- You're gonna buy it? - I don't.
- You don't want to buy it? - Buy it, man.
- Why don't you? - I've got no money! - Yeah.
I think if you did 20 doors, the 20th would be a good 'un.
'So, from this week's delivery, which products have made a lasting impression?' I'd buy the egg-cooking machine.
It's a single lad's best friend.
It's ideal -- quick, easy to use.
What do you think of the shape, though? It's like a big sausage! - I thought the HyperVibe.
- I'm sorely tempted, but I think I might change my mind.
- I think - If that makes sense.
- I wouldn't mind buying one, but I think I'd certainly want one on approval.
- Chickens! - I think we've been swayed.
We've got happy chickens that are laying eggs already.
Fantastic.
Come on, just give us one egg! We waited, waited, all day.
Nothing happened.
I left for work and the crafty buggers laid an egg This is the famous egg so that Eglu is a good idea.
I'm not having chickens.
Take them back.
I'm getting the hang of this now! If you saw someone on one, you'd think, "Pretty cool.
" It's intriguing.
A bit like a bloke with a Bluetooth thing when they first came out.
You think, "Knob, but quite good.
" 'Next time, a revolution in napping on the go' - Joan! - I nodded off there.
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a robot that takes the hard work out of vacuuming' - It knows how to please the mistress.
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and a competitive family game gets messy.
' Big Box, Little Box