Bizaardvark (2016) s03e03 Episode Script

House Moms

1 (upbeat music playing) Frankie, have you ever considered that we're living in the golden age of online animal videos? No, I have not.
Huh.
Thought we were gonna talk about that for a while.
Hey, guys, can we eat cereal for dinner? Uh, yeah, I guess.
Why are you asking us? 'Cause you two are, like, the moms of the house.
(Frankie scoffing) Moms of the house? Yeah, we are not the moms of the house.
If anything, we're, like, the cool older sisters.
Like, we got moves.
Oh! I probably should have stretched first.
Besides, if anyone's the mom of the house, it's Grandma.
Dinner time! Well, that didn't help our case.
Hey, guys, we'd love to stay and chat, but we've got a video to prep for.
It's gonna be edgy and cool, like us.
That's right, son! Not like either of you are my son.
Although, I'd be very proud if you were, so.
Yeah! It's an early-morning shoot, but we're gonna do our hair tonight.
You know why? So we can snooze an extra 10 minutes like the teen slackers we are.
Yeah! Why are you yelling at us? Are we grounded? (both stammering) We're not We can't ground That's not We're going to bed! (upbeat music playing) - (crashing and clanking) - (Zane and Rodney laughing) FRANKIE: What the Your weapons will never pierce my armor, for I am Sir Skillet, the fiercest knight in House Colander! Well, thy house is about to crumble, for I am armed with a cata-pot! (Zane and Rodney screaming) - Hey! Hey! - Come on! Do you boys have any idea what time it is? Some of us have to work in the morning.
Retreat! Oh, man, Paige! We are the moms of the house.
And why did we get matching robes? (theme music playing) ALL: Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! (upbeat music playing) - Hey, sis.
- Hey, Wills.
I was just listening to the most relaxing ocean sounds.
But the real ocean's right there.
Yeah, but that one has seagulls, and I don't trust them.
They know why.
(seagulls calling) Ooh! Check out the new video I just posted.
I made a lot of changes since I switched from Perfect Perfection to Imperfect Imperfection.
Hey, y'all! Amelia here to talk about three of the most important things in life, nails, hair, and how your nails look next to your hair.
Um it doesn't seem like you changed anything.
Are you kidding? It looks totally different! My channel's wallpaper used to be watermelon pink, but now, it's flamingo pink.
That's a five-shade jump! I guess that's a good start, but And I even created a whole new logo for Imperfect Imperfection.
WILLOW: I'm pretty sure that says, "I'm perfect.
I'm perfection.
" Hmm.
I guess it autocorrected 'cause it knew me.
Amelia, you promised your fans you'd change your entire brand.
Imperfect Imperfection is supposed to celebrate the flaws that make us all unique.
So bubble gum pink! Why don't you do an episode with someone who embodies imperfection? Where would I find someone like that? What about that train wreck? Bernie? Aw! He does seem imperfectly imperfect.
Come on! Ugh! Gooey! I don't know.
I know where this is going.
Apparently, I did not know where that was going.
You're right.
Bernie is walking imperfection.
I'll ask.
Be gentle.
He looks like a crier.
Bernie? Do you wanna be on my channel? Are you serious? It's all I dream about every night! Thank you, Amelia.
(crying) Coo, coo.
(sniffling) Coo, coo.
Told ya.
- (shooting and explosions on video game) - Hey, guys! - (video game beeps, sound shuts off) - Sorry.
Was the game too loud? Huh? No.
No, no, no.
It's fine.
It's not fine.
If they think we're the moms of the house, just imagine what it'll be like all summer.
(Zane and Rodney chanting) Dinner! Dinner! Dinner! Dinner! Dinner! - Coming! - (chanting continues) I have an ouchie! Rodney won't share.
This food stinks! I like it, but I wanna ruin your summer.
(all Zanes and Rodneys screaming) (shuddering) We cannot let that happen.
We have to prove to those kids that we are cool not-moms.
- How? - What if we play video games with them? But we don't play video games.
(scoffs) How hard can it be? Follow my lead.
(shooting and explosions on video game) Wassup? BOTH: Uh Oh, sorry.
You might not have understood my friend there.
What she meant to say was, "Wassup?" Are you guys okay? (scoffs) Yeah! Uh, I see you guys are killing the hot, new game we all like to plizzay.
Yeah, it's Alien Renegades IV.
Sweet! A-Ren IV! Nobody calls it that.
Toit.
Toit.
Do you guys wanna play? (scoffs) Do we? Does an alien renegade four times? (whispering) Help.
(video game beeping) Oh, it's starting.
It's starting.
Whoa! Whoa! What is that? A pineapple? A penguin? What kind of ecosystem we in here? Is it two buttons to jump? Uh-oh.
Why is that alien next to me? (gasps) Nice alien! Nice alien! (screams) Ah! It's eating my face! Which two buttons? The alien is eating my face! - Which two buttons? - My face! (both screaming) (clanking and whooshing on video game) - Is it over? - Oh, I can't feel my legs.
Sweet hang sesh, bizoys! Well, we're officially moms.
What are we gonna do? Not give up, that's what we're gonna do.
We have to go bigger.
Like Like, what's the craziest thing we could do to prove to those kids that we are not the moms? Throw a huge party and not check with Grandma.
Yes! I'll go check with Grandma! Even I disappoint myself sometimes.
We're gonna throw the biggest, craziest house party ever.
Un-mom-like high five! BOTH: Wassup! (upbeat music playing) I owe you big time for scoring me front row seats to the International Mud Wrestling Championships.
Yeah, I just thought you'd enjoy a night of messy, human brutality.
Aw! It's like you've read my soul.
All right, you and Paige are in charge.
All the emergency numbers are on the fridge.
All right, stay out as late as you want.
I always do! Let's get this party started! - (music starts playing) - Woo-woo! Hey, hummus and veggies in the house! Healthy snacks? Paige, that's what a mom would offer.
What is this? "What is your dream job?" "What is your shirt made of?" Did you make conversation starters? Okay, before you get mad at me "What is your dream job?" Professional paper thrower! Now, get rid of this stuff! VOICE: Doorbell.
Good.
The guests are here.
It looks like the flyers I put out on the beach for our Mega Outrageous Malibu Summer Party worked.
(baby crying) Uh, can I help you? Frankie, you advertised a MOMS party.
- What? - Why did you write it like that? I made an aesthetic choice.
Wrong house.
Bye.
This party is lame.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
It is lame, because Because this is just the pre-party.
Yeah, yeah, wait till you see the real party.
There's gonna be an ice cream cake.
It's gonna be two feet tall.
Can it be six feet? I don't see why not.
What about loud music? Oh, there's gonna be loud music.
Irresponsibly loud.
And there's definitely gonna be some kind of scooter thing that does not belong in a house.
Wow! We would have totally been into this party without that, but now that you've promised it, we'll be expecting it.
(upbeat music playing) Hi, Bernie.
Is this the soundtrack to Princess Puppy the Movie? Hang on.
Let me finish this set.
- Princess Puppy - (mouthing) She's got puppy power! Yes! G-rated movie, hard-rated biceps.
So, what's the deal, Lil Will? Is this your room? Are you being punished? Yeah, I've turned this basement into the ultimate man cave.
I've got maximum privacy.
(machine buzzing) That only happens 15 to 20 times a day.
Amelia is excited to have you on her channel.
She's doing a segment about a being a guest at a fancy dinner.
Nice! I've got two outfits that I think are perfect for a fancy dinner.
Now, I like the astronaut suit because the sleeves are missing, but the cowboy outfit has got a sheriff's badge, and that's an unexpected twist.
You're fun.
Either one will be great for Amelia's new brand.
Uh, wait.
What do you mean "new brand"? Amelia's show now celebrates people's flaws and imperfections.
That's why you're a perfect guest.
Flaws and imperfections? You know, like intense upper-lip sweat.
Nervous gas.
(farts) Trouble dealing with reality.
(Bernie thinks) I don't think she noticed the sweat or fart thing.
You have so many issues, but you're not bothered by any of them.
It's so refreshing.
See you tonight.
Wait.
So the only reason Amelia wants me on her show is because she thinks I'm uncool? No! No, I'm cool.
Right, Horse Face Guy? I'll take that as a "yeah.
" (loud dance music playing) (forced) I feel totally comfortable with how out-of-control this party has gotten.
(forced) I, too, feel very chill with how quickly it escalated.
And I'm not questioning at all where the guy in the gorilla costume came from.
I've never seen anyone with moves like you, Gorilla Guy.
Don't be sad.
That's just a guy in a gorilla costume.
You're a real horse.
Keep it cool.
Keep it cool.
(shouting) Keep it cool! Keep it cool! You know, the louder you say it, the less cool you seem to be keeping it.
'Cause this is not cool! The music is too loud! There are too many people! And, apparently, nobody here knows how to use a coaster! No! Fight your mom instincts.
We just need to get through this one party and Zane, how much of that cake are you going to - (clearing throat) - leave behind? Because I bet you can eat that whole cake.
That's a dare from your cool buddy, Frankie.
Sweet! I've already had 17 brain-freezes.
Ah! 18.
Good save.
Look at us, staying calm.
No, Rodney, be care less.
Be totally careless.
I wanna see how fast that bad boy can go.
You guys are the coolest! Amen to that! You hear that, Frankie? Two little kids think we're cool.
Mission accomplished.
RODNEY: Ah! It's out of control! (screaming) (guests gasping) - Oh, my gosh! - Rodney! (groaning) My favorite knee! Just try not to put too much - I think I ate too much cake.
- Zane, are you okay? (vomiting) Why did you make us go to such a crazy party? We're just kids, man! (upbeat music playing) (upbeat music playing) (vomiting) Which one you want? Leg or puke? - Leg.
- I don't even know why I asked.
Hey, here.
Drink some ginger ale.
It'll calm your stomach.
That's a pretty nasty scrape.
Can I put some of this on it? It'll help, but it might sting.
Pain is all in the mind.
(calmly) I don't feel any (screaming) Make it stop! I hate you! You monster! (calmly) All better.
Thanks, friend.
My stomach feels a little better, too.
Thanks.
No, no, don't thank us.
We messed up.
We shouldn't have thrown that party.
We've just been freaking out ever since you called us moms.
We did that? When? What's wrong with being a mom? I love my mom.
I love my mom too.
If I could pull her out of my hair right now, I would.
There's nothing wrong with being a mom.
Yeah, so how ever you wanna view us, mom, sister, cousin, great aunt, we're here for you.
Thanks, guys.
I choose great aunt.
(both laugh) All right, you party animals, it's been a long night.
You boys need some sleep.
Night.
(phone beeping) Grandma just texted.
She's on her way home early.
Everybody up! This house isn't gonna clean itself! I want you downstairs in 30 seconds! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Hey, y'all, welcome to Imperfect Imperfection.
In the past, I've done videos about throwing the perfect dinner party, but today, I'm gonna show you what to do when one of your guests is really, really not perfect.
He's here.
Great.
So, to celebrate all of our flaws, let me introduce my very flawed guest, Bernie Schotz.
(smooth jazz playing) Lovely to see you, Miss Duckworth.
(air-kisses) Couldn't remember if you liked roses or tulips, so I brought both.
What is happening? I'm just excited to have an elegant dinner with my dear friend.
I'm talking too much.
Please, lead the conversation.
Okay, I don't know why you haven't tripped over yourself or broken anything yet, but let's bring out the messy food and use this expensive glassware, and I'm sure the real Bernie Schotz will make an appearance.
Okay, Bernie, that's a big plate of red, sloppy spaghetti.
Dig in, and don't worry about being perfect.
Ooh! Yum! This reminds me of my last trip to Italy.
(speaking in Italian) Okay, those were obviously just random words.
What did you say? "Ice cream, donkey, suspender teeth"? He actually said, "The sun in Tuscany shines like gold.
" And his pronunciation was flawless.
I don't know what your game is, Schotz, but I ain't playin' it! (laughs) I'm parched.
Bernie, will you please pour me a drink from that easily-breakable, glass bottle of sparkling water? My pleasure.
This dinner is perfection, by the way.
My viewers don't want perfection.
They want flaws, and messes, and for me to say, "That's okay.
Flaws are fine.
" They want the real Bernie Schotz, who eats like this! (groans) (screams) (crying) Amelia, wait! So, I guess I'm dining alone.
(speaking in Italian) (loud dance music playing) All right, Grandma said she'd be here in 30 minutes.
Time to suit up! (heroic music playing) Let's mom this joint! Just to be clear, Dads can also clean.
The domestic duties in the home should be equally shared between men and women.
Obviously.
All right, everyone, party's over! You don't gotta go home, but you can't stay here.
What the heck is going on? Guess we shouldn't have spent 30 minutes picking out aprons.
Who's responsible for this? We are.
Whatever punishment you think we deserve, we'll take it.
We'll talk about it in the morning.
What are you all still doing here? Make like my 7th husband and disappear in the middle of the night.
- Princess Puppy - (mouthing) She's got puppy power! There you are.
What are you doing? Well, since Bernie became perfect, obviously, I'm Bernie now.
I've seen enough body-swap movies to know how this works.
Amelia, you Embarrassed myself in front of my fans? I know.
Nobody is ever gonna watch my channel again.
Yes, they will.
Have you seen all your comments? People love the new video.
Really? Turns out, your fans love seeing you be the imperfect one for a change.
Look at all the likes I'm getting! No wonder Bernie has no biceps.
These things weigh, like, a pound.
I guess I'm Miss Imperfect.
I'm okay with that.
I'll let Bernie know he can't be on my channel anymore since he's Mr.
Smooth now Guys, I had a little problem with the spaghetti.
( Princess Puppy theme playing) Princess Puppy She's got puppy power