Blood Drive (2017) s01e12 Episode Script
Faces of Blood Drive
1 Previously on "Blood Drive" Fiiiight! If you refuse to kill, then we just have to properly motivate you.
[screams.]
What the fuck could you have against me? [ominous music.]
- Karma? - You did this to us! [screams.]
And then there were two! You heard the man.
Can only be one Primo.
Yes, it is a forfeit! It is a forfeit! It's over! It's over! [choral music.]
Primo.
Primo! Primo.
Talk to me.
I was just asking if you're excited for your big night.
No better excuse to party.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
[phone ringing.]
This is Garrett.
They're holding to speak to Primo.
Primo, I have [bleep.]
and [bleep.]
.
Oh, they're big fans of mine.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hang up.
[chuckles.]
Would you like to go through the schedule? Dazzle me.
You'll start with the obligatory red carpet schmooze.
After that, you'll get a little time to yourself in your own private tent.
And finally, the reason we're all here: the Primo tribute ceremony.
And a camera crew to record it all for posterity.
- Very important.
- Tribute ceremony? - Like the Olympics? - Like the Olympics.
Like, like like the Emmys, like the fucking Fourth of July and a goddamned coronation, all rolled into one! So three times the chicks.
[metal music.]
[indistinct shouting.]
I love you, Primo! Start kicking ass, Primo! How you doing, sweetheart? - Primo! - Primo! Primo, can I get your autograph? This is gonna hurt like shit.
[tattoo gun buzzing.]
Dot the "i," and we're done.
Enjoy it, buddy, but know this: from here on out, every girl you bone will be pretending it's me.
[cheers and applause.]
Arthur Arthur! You need to talk to me.
It's been a week.
I haven't seen you since Shoving your sister into a Blood Engine? Shit was badass.
Oh, don't be too hard on yourself.
She had it coming.
What's this? Looking good, you big swinging dick, Primo! No snarky comeback? No kick in the balls? - Love you, Primo! - [indistinct shouting.]
You've changed.
You should try it.
Oh, I know who I am, Grace.
And I'm fucking fabulous.
Mmm, is that not the finest Primo you've ever seen? I don't know.
He seemed a little disconnected back there.
Like his heart's not really in it.
Horseshit.
He was born for this.
He's laser-focused on being the greatest Primo of all time, and nothing is gonna distract him from his destiny.
Arthur, where are you? [rock music.]
[cheers and applause.]
Whoo! Fuck yeah! [Plague Vendor: "Ox Blood".]
You can hear me coming You hear my boots on the hardwood floor You hear the wind chime at the back door You can hear me coming You hear my boots on the hardwood floor You hear the wind chime at the door You can hear my boots on the hardwood floor Hello, Blood Driiiive! [cheers and applause.]
To the grease monkeys and Red junkies, to the bruisers and the losers, to the man-skanks and sperm banks, I ask you this who wants to fight the Primo?! [laughing.]
I wrote that.
[metal music.]
Here we go again Yeah, Primo! [shouts indistinctly.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah! What did I tell you? Huh? He's Primo to the core.
Wait until you see the tribute I have planned.
Respectfully, Slink, I'm the ranking exec on Blood Drive.
I got a couple suggestions to make Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Look, I thought we discussed this already.
I am Master of Ceremonies, God of the Stage.
This is the ceremony; that is the stage.
What part of God and Master do you not understand? Slink, this is about the show.
I can take you global.
All you got to do is pass me the ball and let me take you over the line.
And how can you say no to that? Sorry, love.
No back nine for you.
[indistinct shouting.]
Arthur! Fight! Fight! Come on! Come on! Right here! Let's go! [indistinct shouting.]
Me and my lady managed to escape.
She's waiting just outside of town.
You got a lady? Fuck, dude, bring her to the party.
She down to clown? What? No way.
I came to get you out of here.
Why would I want to do that? They made me their king.
Easy, dude.
You got to keep it tight.
I got a high metabolism.
And I haven't eaten in weeks.
Food's great, though, right? Can't remember the last time I ate non-synthetic fruit.
Here they bring it by the bucket.
Whatever I want.
I can see why you don't want to leave.
I know, right? Riding around cracking heads, banging hotties like it's my job.
Here, try this IPA.
My own craft brew.
Super hoppy.
- [clinks glass.]
- Cheers.
Gnarly eyeball you got there.
What'd they do to you, anyway? Held me in a dark room for weeks.
Did things to me things I won't ever forget.
I was a prisoner, man.
A fuckin' lab rat.
They fisted me, man.
Hey, man What the fuck? Sorry, that's You're here now.
That's all that matters.
Only thing kept me going was you.
Knowing you were out here, fighting the good fight bringing down Heart.
Like I said, that was then, this is now.
You're safe, brother.
Let's keep it light, yeah? I mean, look at this place.
It's paradise.
You ever seen me happier than I am right now? What happened to the Good Cop? He took the costume off and stopped pretending.
Sure about that? What, this? Sweet jacket, huh? See, this is me.
The real me.
I'm finally okay with that.
Turns out being bad ain't all that bad.
You should try it.
In fact, it's pretty fucking great.
I'm not the only one who feels that way.
I got a whole kingdom of followers who just love the smell of my shit.
Champagne? [indistinct chanting.]
[cheers and applause.]
Blade Nado and Blood Drive: The Board Game are proud to present the Primo Memorial Tribute Reel.
[Loosely Tight: "Loud N Restless".]
Take me, break me Don't forsake me I'm on the run, I'm on the run I'm a 16-lover, I'm a son of a gun Look again.
I'm loud and restless again I'm loud and restless again [screams.]
These people don't love you.
They're not here to honor you.
Dude they're gonna kill you.
I am never gonna stop, Grace.
Not until everything you love is gone! [screams.]
[calm ambient music.]
Let's go! [screams.]
Shit.
[shrieking.]
We may have started at a Primo Party, but it sure as hell isn't gonna end here.
[dramatic music.]
We have something here for you.
Ah.
What's with the camera? We're from Heart's "Protégé Pilot Program.
" We're technically grad students, but That was rhetorical, asshole.
You've impressed us.
You're deadly and crazy.
We think you have a future here at Heart Enterprises.
I faked my death at Majora to get away from the lesbos.
Plus, you're not really my type.
We've got two femme fatales for the price of one.
What do you mean, two? Your sister, Grace she'll be racing in this year's Blood Drive.
You ask me, she's a star.
First she dumps me in a madhouse, then she runs off to join some stupid race? Put me in the race.
I'll run her ass right off the road.
Our drivers have already been finalized.
But your sadistic tendencies do suit you for the management track.
We have an opening for you at Heart Entertainment.
I don't want your shitty job.
Let me off at the next stop.
Imagine getting out from under Grace's shadow.
You could mind-fuck her to pieces.
She wouldn't even know it was you.
I'll do it one condition: I get to kill this motherfucker.
What? Who, me? Wait, wh no.
[screaming.]
Who's got the goddamn jacket? Me! Who's on the 50-foot poster? Me! I'm the fuckin' Primo! They've designed the whole night around killing you.
Listen, our only option is to burn rubber before it's too late.
It doesn't make any sense.
No, I'm the Blood Drive.
They need me! You sure it isn't the other way around? Meaning what? This crowd's got you brainwashed, thinking you're some kind of god.
But it's just to keep you comfortable enough so they can take you out.
What are you gonna do? Kill the puppet master.
When Slink is dead, this party is mine.
I'll own it all.
Arthur, we need to leave the state.
Hell, we need to leave the planet! You always said I need to collect some more teeth.
How about I bring you a whole goddamn head? Get the fuck out of my face.
Slink! Arthur.
Look, it's not safe.
I know it sounds crazy, but they're trying to kill you.
You're late to the party.
He already knows.
- Stop.
- Not now.
I have to kill Slink.
Kill Slink? - Aren't you - His partner.
His real partner.
Look, we've beaten that guy to a pulp.
We stabbed him.
We set him on fire.
He didn't even feel a thing.
I wasn't Primo then.
- [yelps.]
- Can I have your autograph? - The fuck off me.
- Arthur, this is bullshit.
It doesn't mean anything.
It's just a fucking jacket.
Please let's go.
Get the fuck out of my way.
Slink! That dickless freak isn't even human, Arthur.
And he's not an idiot.
Okay, whatever you have planned, it's not gonna work.
We'll see about that.
Slink, show yourself! [chanting.]
Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! [bombastic music.]
Pestilent peons and peddlers of pain Arthur, don't.
Pitiful parasites who prize the profane Pederasts and pansies Arthur, this is exactly what he wants.
- Please welcome your pick - It's a trap, goddamn it! Your prophet, your preacher your prize and your [metallic clang.]
Pick.
[crowd gasps.]
[cheers and applause.]
[chanting.]
Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! I am Primo! I am but one gear in the clockwork that is Heart Enterprises.
I live only to perform my function.
If I do not, then we do not.
And if we do not, then time isn't told and the world doesn't turn Big day, huh? You ready? Why? What did you hear? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Just asking if you're ready.
I'm ready.
I'm gonna kill it.
For three months and 18 days, I've worked here at Heart Enterprises.
For the three months and 18 days, I haven't had a single stab at getting revenge on Grace.
But all that changes today, because a junior executive spot just opened up on the board, and if I get it, I'll finally have control over - Oh.
- [chuckling.]
Garrett Kemble? - What's up, Kay Bae? - What are you doing here? The boys just offered me the open spot on the board.
What? No, you weren't [laughs.]
You didn't think you had a chance, did you? I'm sorry, sweetheart, but pink polish don't belong in the boardroom.
Boop.
[door unlocks.]
[dark music.]
[machinery hums to life.]
[machine humming.]
I've always wanted a bespoke suit.
[cheers and applause.]
Yeah! Yeah! Whoa.
You actually did it.
You killed Slink.
Shit yeah, I did.
Now's our chance.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Come on! Hold on.
Slink's just the beginning.
If Heart wants you dead, then we need to bring the fight to them.
I just came from Heart.
Trust me, you can't beat them.
We need to get in the car and disappear before it's too late.
Running doesn't solve anything.
And how many more innocent people do they have to corrupt? You're Primo now.
Great.
Whoop-de-fuckin'-do.
But who I need right now is that guy.
The guy who fell on my Camaro and changed everything.
[solemn music.]
Okay, so how about this? Come with me so we can get revenge on the fuckers who tried to kill the Primo.
Doesn't matter which side you land on.
We can't let Heart survive this.
Are you with me? [eerie music.]
Her plan is insane.
In.
Sane.
You haven't been to Heart.
I have.
And believe me, you don't want to be anywhere near that place.
Which is exactly why we have to destroy it.
Dude, you just met this chick.
- She's got you all twisted up.
- 'Scuse me? Listen to me, your partner the guy who's been by your side for years.
I'm trying to save your ass.
Fuck you, spare parts.
You don't even know me.
You can't listen to her.
You better back off, or you're gonna end up with matching eyes.
All right, enough! Both of you are giving me a fuckin' headache.
If I hadn't gotten into the Camaro, I wouldn't be Primo.
- I owe the chick.
- The chick? You know that happy life you always wanted with me? Now's the chance to make that your reality.
Forget Heart.
Be my queen and rule this wasteland with me as Primo royalty.
You can be my queen bee in a harem of other bees.
Are you crazy, Arthur? Am I crazy? Every girl on Earth would kill for that offer.
[tense music.]
You know what? Fuck you.
And fuck you, too.
Dude! X marks the spot! Arthur! [grunting.]
[cheers and applause.]
Did you really think you'd be the first Primo to try and save his own skin by killing me? [chuckles.]
Please! Every Primo thinks that he's special that he'll be the first to break the mold and live on.
Go on.
Move.
And just like all the other pathetic saps, the signs were in front of you the whole time.
The Tribute the Tribute is a sacrifice.
We didn't even have to hide it.
You, uh blinded yourself with pride.
You see the truth is, in this dark and disgusting depraved world, no one's special.
No one survives.
No one leaves a legacy.
Not even you.
[moaning.]
Let the Primo Sacrifice begin! [metal music.]
[chanting.]
Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! [hacking.]
Please don't kill me.
Please don't kill me! [panting.]
[distorted voice.]
Say it in French.
What? Say it in French! Uh [French accent.]
Please don't kill me.
That never gets old.
[hammer clatters.]
Here's what's gonna happen.
You work for me now.
First order of business We need new board members.
Second order of business Get me up to speed on the Blood Drive.
[both panting.]
Those morons have a knack for overlooking potential.
It's so weird.
People take you way more serious when you have facial hair and pee standing up.
[dark music.]
[straining.]
You really think that's gonna work? It did before.
From his pathetic beginnings on the streets of LA, we witnessed the world's last "good cop" descend deliciously into darkness.
[soul reclamator whirring.]
But today, he emerges a champion.
[cheers and applause.]
Our greatest hero: the Primo! [cheers and applause.]
You don't care about Arthur.
I think you wanted this all along.
I think you set him up.
You think I want Arthur dead? Why the hell would I want that? Maybe because you want to be the Primo.
I want to be the Primo as much as I want a root canal.
I don't give a shit about being the Primo never did.
[grunting.]
I get that you two have a long history together.
And I respect that.
But please get it through your meathead skull: I care about him, too.
And I'm not the problem here.
This is the fucking problem! Say I believe you.
[panting.]
We need to think of a plan.
Whoa! I got a girlfriend.
I thought you and Arthur Just pee on it, you moron.
We can use it to bend the bars.
Today, we honor him with this Tribute! [cheers and applause.]
[laughing.]
[grunting.]
[urination.]
I don't mind the eye contact.
Yeah, you wouldn't.
In return, he gives us the ultimate gift: his body.
[indistinct shouting.]
His blood! And his soul! [crowd screaming.]
[suspenseful music.]
All right, RoboCop.
I'm gonna buy you some time so you can go rescue Arthur from that meat grinder while I distract Slink.
[gasping.]
All right.
Let's go get our boy back.
No flash photography of any kind.
Turn off your cell phones, keep your feet off the seats, and get ready to enjoy The show.
Now, my handsome little imbecile Any last words? I'm gonna skin you alive and wear you for Halloween.
Ugh! What I meant was, those were your last words.
Send him off! Bye-bye! You enjoy your trip, now.
In case of a water landing, put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye! [indistinct shouting.]
All right, you get out there.
I'll take care of Slink.
Slink.
You don't really want to do this.
Think about it.
Arthur's worth way more alive than dead to you.
Go on.
Well, if you kill him now, you put on, what, one good spectacle? But everyone here's already expecting him to die.
Subvert their expectations.
Surprise them.
Dazzle them.
I'm listening.
[shouts, jeers.]
Nobody grinds that ass but me.
On the other hand, if the Primo lives, you can continue the Blood Drive.
Think of how far you could take that.
[crowd screaming.]
Stand aside.
We both know I'm not.
He's going into that Soul Reclamator.
But he doesn't have to die.
Come again, say what? The Soul Reclamator! It processes souls.
Turns it into icky green goo that holds ten times, 100 times the energy potential of boring old blood.
Kind of like the engine in your Camaro.
Works the same way, just not as well.
That's so interesting.
Thank you for mansplaining that to me.
What the fuck does that have to do with Arthur? Well, if our boy has in fact become a true Primo and purged his soul, there'll be no soul to reclamate.
He'll simply tumble right through and land on the other side without a scratch.
Either he dies, or becomes a soulless monster who'll never love you.
No matter how you slice it, I win.
You really are a piece of shit.
I know! [screaming.]
[gasps.]
You all right? That bastard's gonna pay.
Arthur, it's over.
They're never gonna stop.
We have to get out of here before the two of them can kill you.
The two of them? She's been working with him this whole time.
Probably since day one.
I know you like her.
But it doesn't change the fact that she betrayed you.
That doesn't make any sense.
I'll prove it to you.
This eye records everything I see.
You think I want Arth I want Arthur to die.
I want Arthur to die.
I want to be Primo as much I want to be Primo.
I want to be Primo.
[tense music.]
There's only one Primo.
Let's make sure it stays that way.
It doesn't have to be this way, Slink.
Grace! [metallic clang.]
What the hell are you doing? No one treats me like this.
No one! Christopher! A little help! Help you what? Usurp the Primo? Not a chance in hell.
Finish her, Arthur! Don't do this, Arthur.
Call me Primo.
[grunts.]
[gasps, screams.]
Betrayal? Dramatic irony? How gloriously unexpected! This is the stage! This is the stage! Give a wide berth! Nobody on or off! Nobody on or off! [both shouting.]
I want multiple angles.
You, you! Get me close on the Primo.
Close on the Primo.
You! Two-shot! Get me a two-shot! Tracking! Track! Between the legs! Ah! [cheers and applause.]
Oh, thank God for improvisation.
[screams.]
[crowd roaring.]
[somber music.]
[growling.]
I won't beg.
I won't make you.
[sword clatters.]
It's over.
I agree.
[screams.]
You can kill me if you want to.
But I know who you really are, Arthur.
You used to stand for something.
And all that shit we went through it was for a reason.
It was the make the world a better place.
This fucking race it got us off track.
You're not bad.
You're Arthur Bailey.
Fight for that, 'cause that's worth fighting for.
[reflective music.]
Why won't you do it? Finish her! Don't be a pussy.
You weak fuck.
You know what? Cut your own balls off, while you're at it.
You were a shitty cop.
And you're an even shittier Primo.
Now do it! [dramatic music.]
[screaming.]
Tell me you got that.
[phone ringing.]
Julian Slink here.
You're canceled.
And I'm done with you.
[cheers, jeers.]
[raspy breaths.]
I was your friend.
[gurgling.]
[electronic voice.]
I was your friend.
I was your friend.
The fuck is that thing? How did you know it wasn't Christopher? I didn't.
I wanted to believe the things he was telling me.
I wanted to believe I was Primo [solemn music.]
That I was a god.
That terrifies me.
Arthur? I almost killed you.
You're the only person in the world I can trust.
The person I've fallen in love with.
[warm music.]
What about the Primo? This got me to the place that I could kill my best friend.
No, the jacket's just a symbol.
That wasn't you.
That was Heart.
This this just means whatever you want it to mean.
I can live with that.
So can I.
[horn honks.]
[rap music.]
Get the fuck out of my car.
You've been lying to us this whole fuckin' time.
Yes, but yes.
You spent all day trying to kill Arthur.
- Indeed.
- And you sent Christopher to convince me to kill Grace.
Au contraire.
No, that although it was fun to watch that wasn't me.
Look, here's the deal.
I'm done with their fuckin' notes, all right? It's time to put these assholes out of business.
You wanna, I wanna.
What do you say we partner up? You want to help us destroy the company that helps make your show? My show's finished.
I'm done with their chain around my neck.
Time for the wrap party, and It's gonna be a blast.
Got the idea from The Gentlemen's little escapade, so I rounded up these little puppies for just such an emergency.
Which is? We're a day's drive away from their headquarters at Heart Tower.
There's enough boom in this bag to bring that company down forever.
I'll even let you drive.
[ominous music.]
He's only fucked us over, oh, I don't know, every single time.
And we've survived, every single time.
We've been through way too much to let them win.
First Karma, now Christopher? Let's put those bastards six feet under.
Every last one.
There's one thing that still bothers me.
Who did that to Christopher? [rock music.]
I feel something.
I feel Hopelessness.
[door unlatching.]
Do your worst, bitch.
Is that any way to speak to the only person who knows you're still alive? Person? You don't even qualify.
Just a warning: this might sting a little.
I was your friend.
I was your When I found out this AKI unit had Arthur Bailey's partner hidden away down here, I almost had her body dismantled.
- Friend - But this little collection of hers, it really came in handy.
[dark music.]
Gross.
I built a new you to send to fuck with my sister.
But it failed.
[sighs.]
So, what are you gonna do about it? - Friend - How do you turn it off? You know, I could always send another copy of you to try again.
But wouldn't it feel good To have his thick neck between your hands? Turn it off.
Turn it off! [crack.]
The list of upgrades.
Christopher, think of what Do it! Give me all the mods.
[screams.]
What the fuck could you have against me? [ominous music.]
- Karma? - You did this to us! [screams.]
And then there were two! You heard the man.
Can only be one Primo.
Yes, it is a forfeit! It is a forfeit! It's over! It's over! [choral music.]
Primo.
Primo! Primo.
Talk to me.
I was just asking if you're excited for your big night.
No better excuse to party.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
[phone ringing.]
This is Garrett.
They're holding to speak to Primo.
Primo, I have [bleep.]
and [bleep.]
.
Oh, they're big fans of mine.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hang up.
[chuckles.]
Would you like to go through the schedule? Dazzle me.
You'll start with the obligatory red carpet schmooze.
After that, you'll get a little time to yourself in your own private tent.
And finally, the reason we're all here: the Primo tribute ceremony.
And a camera crew to record it all for posterity.
- Very important.
- Tribute ceremony? - Like the Olympics? - Like the Olympics.
Like, like like the Emmys, like the fucking Fourth of July and a goddamned coronation, all rolled into one! So three times the chicks.
[metal music.]
[indistinct shouting.]
I love you, Primo! Start kicking ass, Primo! How you doing, sweetheart? - Primo! - Primo! Primo, can I get your autograph? This is gonna hurt like shit.
[tattoo gun buzzing.]
Dot the "i," and we're done.
Enjoy it, buddy, but know this: from here on out, every girl you bone will be pretending it's me.
[cheers and applause.]
Arthur Arthur! You need to talk to me.
It's been a week.
I haven't seen you since Shoving your sister into a Blood Engine? Shit was badass.
Oh, don't be too hard on yourself.
She had it coming.
What's this? Looking good, you big swinging dick, Primo! No snarky comeback? No kick in the balls? - Love you, Primo! - [indistinct shouting.]
You've changed.
You should try it.
Oh, I know who I am, Grace.
And I'm fucking fabulous.
Mmm, is that not the finest Primo you've ever seen? I don't know.
He seemed a little disconnected back there.
Like his heart's not really in it.
Horseshit.
He was born for this.
He's laser-focused on being the greatest Primo of all time, and nothing is gonna distract him from his destiny.
Arthur, where are you? [rock music.]
[cheers and applause.]
Whoo! Fuck yeah! [Plague Vendor: "Ox Blood".]
You can hear me coming You hear my boots on the hardwood floor You hear the wind chime at the back door You can hear me coming You hear my boots on the hardwood floor You hear the wind chime at the door You can hear my boots on the hardwood floor Hello, Blood Driiiive! [cheers and applause.]
To the grease monkeys and Red junkies, to the bruisers and the losers, to the man-skanks and sperm banks, I ask you this who wants to fight the Primo?! [laughing.]
I wrote that.
[metal music.]
Here we go again Yeah, Primo! [shouts indistinctly.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah! What did I tell you? Huh? He's Primo to the core.
Wait until you see the tribute I have planned.
Respectfully, Slink, I'm the ranking exec on Blood Drive.
I got a couple suggestions to make Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Look, I thought we discussed this already.
I am Master of Ceremonies, God of the Stage.
This is the ceremony; that is the stage.
What part of God and Master do you not understand? Slink, this is about the show.
I can take you global.
All you got to do is pass me the ball and let me take you over the line.
And how can you say no to that? Sorry, love.
No back nine for you.
[indistinct shouting.]
Arthur! Fight! Fight! Come on! Come on! Right here! Let's go! [indistinct shouting.]
Me and my lady managed to escape.
She's waiting just outside of town.
You got a lady? Fuck, dude, bring her to the party.
She down to clown? What? No way.
I came to get you out of here.
Why would I want to do that? They made me their king.
Easy, dude.
You got to keep it tight.
I got a high metabolism.
And I haven't eaten in weeks.
Food's great, though, right? Can't remember the last time I ate non-synthetic fruit.
Here they bring it by the bucket.
Whatever I want.
I can see why you don't want to leave.
I know, right? Riding around cracking heads, banging hotties like it's my job.
Here, try this IPA.
My own craft brew.
Super hoppy.
- [clinks glass.]
- Cheers.
Gnarly eyeball you got there.
What'd they do to you, anyway? Held me in a dark room for weeks.
Did things to me things I won't ever forget.
I was a prisoner, man.
A fuckin' lab rat.
They fisted me, man.
Hey, man What the fuck? Sorry, that's You're here now.
That's all that matters.
Only thing kept me going was you.
Knowing you were out here, fighting the good fight bringing down Heart.
Like I said, that was then, this is now.
You're safe, brother.
Let's keep it light, yeah? I mean, look at this place.
It's paradise.
You ever seen me happier than I am right now? What happened to the Good Cop? He took the costume off and stopped pretending.
Sure about that? What, this? Sweet jacket, huh? See, this is me.
The real me.
I'm finally okay with that.
Turns out being bad ain't all that bad.
You should try it.
In fact, it's pretty fucking great.
I'm not the only one who feels that way.
I got a whole kingdom of followers who just love the smell of my shit.
Champagne? [indistinct chanting.]
[cheers and applause.]
Blade Nado and Blood Drive: The Board Game are proud to present the Primo Memorial Tribute Reel.
[Loosely Tight: "Loud N Restless".]
Take me, break me Don't forsake me I'm on the run, I'm on the run I'm a 16-lover, I'm a son of a gun Look again.
I'm loud and restless again I'm loud and restless again [screams.]
These people don't love you.
They're not here to honor you.
Dude they're gonna kill you.
I am never gonna stop, Grace.
Not until everything you love is gone! [screams.]
[calm ambient music.]
Let's go! [screams.]
Shit.
[shrieking.]
We may have started at a Primo Party, but it sure as hell isn't gonna end here.
[dramatic music.]
We have something here for you.
Ah.
What's with the camera? We're from Heart's "Protégé Pilot Program.
" We're technically grad students, but That was rhetorical, asshole.
You've impressed us.
You're deadly and crazy.
We think you have a future here at Heart Enterprises.
I faked my death at Majora to get away from the lesbos.
Plus, you're not really my type.
We've got two femme fatales for the price of one.
What do you mean, two? Your sister, Grace she'll be racing in this year's Blood Drive.
You ask me, she's a star.
First she dumps me in a madhouse, then she runs off to join some stupid race? Put me in the race.
I'll run her ass right off the road.
Our drivers have already been finalized.
But your sadistic tendencies do suit you for the management track.
We have an opening for you at Heart Entertainment.
I don't want your shitty job.
Let me off at the next stop.
Imagine getting out from under Grace's shadow.
You could mind-fuck her to pieces.
She wouldn't even know it was you.
I'll do it one condition: I get to kill this motherfucker.
What? Who, me? Wait, wh no.
[screaming.]
Who's got the goddamn jacket? Me! Who's on the 50-foot poster? Me! I'm the fuckin' Primo! They've designed the whole night around killing you.
Listen, our only option is to burn rubber before it's too late.
It doesn't make any sense.
No, I'm the Blood Drive.
They need me! You sure it isn't the other way around? Meaning what? This crowd's got you brainwashed, thinking you're some kind of god.
But it's just to keep you comfortable enough so they can take you out.
What are you gonna do? Kill the puppet master.
When Slink is dead, this party is mine.
I'll own it all.
Arthur, we need to leave the state.
Hell, we need to leave the planet! You always said I need to collect some more teeth.
How about I bring you a whole goddamn head? Get the fuck out of my face.
Slink! Arthur.
Look, it's not safe.
I know it sounds crazy, but they're trying to kill you.
You're late to the party.
He already knows.
- Stop.
- Not now.
I have to kill Slink.
Kill Slink? - Aren't you - His partner.
His real partner.
Look, we've beaten that guy to a pulp.
We stabbed him.
We set him on fire.
He didn't even feel a thing.
I wasn't Primo then.
- [yelps.]
- Can I have your autograph? - The fuck off me.
- Arthur, this is bullshit.
It doesn't mean anything.
It's just a fucking jacket.
Please let's go.
Get the fuck out of my way.
Slink! That dickless freak isn't even human, Arthur.
And he's not an idiot.
Okay, whatever you have planned, it's not gonna work.
We'll see about that.
Slink, show yourself! [chanting.]
Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! Slink! [bombastic music.]
Pestilent peons and peddlers of pain Arthur, don't.
Pitiful parasites who prize the profane Pederasts and pansies Arthur, this is exactly what he wants.
- Please welcome your pick - It's a trap, goddamn it! Your prophet, your preacher your prize and your [metallic clang.]
Pick.
[crowd gasps.]
[cheers and applause.]
[chanting.]
Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! I am Primo! I am but one gear in the clockwork that is Heart Enterprises.
I live only to perform my function.
If I do not, then we do not.
And if we do not, then time isn't told and the world doesn't turn Big day, huh? You ready? Why? What did you hear? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Just asking if you're ready.
I'm ready.
I'm gonna kill it.
For three months and 18 days, I've worked here at Heart Enterprises.
For the three months and 18 days, I haven't had a single stab at getting revenge on Grace.
But all that changes today, because a junior executive spot just opened up on the board, and if I get it, I'll finally have control over - Oh.
- [chuckling.]
Garrett Kemble? - What's up, Kay Bae? - What are you doing here? The boys just offered me the open spot on the board.
What? No, you weren't [laughs.]
You didn't think you had a chance, did you? I'm sorry, sweetheart, but pink polish don't belong in the boardroom.
Boop.
[door unlocks.]
[dark music.]
[machinery hums to life.]
[machine humming.]
I've always wanted a bespoke suit.
[cheers and applause.]
Yeah! Yeah! Whoa.
You actually did it.
You killed Slink.
Shit yeah, I did.
Now's our chance.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Come on! Hold on.
Slink's just the beginning.
If Heart wants you dead, then we need to bring the fight to them.
I just came from Heart.
Trust me, you can't beat them.
We need to get in the car and disappear before it's too late.
Running doesn't solve anything.
And how many more innocent people do they have to corrupt? You're Primo now.
Great.
Whoop-de-fuckin'-do.
But who I need right now is that guy.
The guy who fell on my Camaro and changed everything.
[solemn music.]
Okay, so how about this? Come with me so we can get revenge on the fuckers who tried to kill the Primo.
Doesn't matter which side you land on.
We can't let Heart survive this.
Are you with me? [eerie music.]
Her plan is insane.
In.
Sane.
You haven't been to Heart.
I have.
And believe me, you don't want to be anywhere near that place.
Which is exactly why we have to destroy it.
Dude, you just met this chick.
- She's got you all twisted up.
- 'Scuse me? Listen to me, your partner the guy who's been by your side for years.
I'm trying to save your ass.
Fuck you, spare parts.
You don't even know me.
You can't listen to her.
You better back off, or you're gonna end up with matching eyes.
All right, enough! Both of you are giving me a fuckin' headache.
If I hadn't gotten into the Camaro, I wouldn't be Primo.
- I owe the chick.
- The chick? You know that happy life you always wanted with me? Now's the chance to make that your reality.
Forget Heart.
Be my queen and rule this wasteland with me as Primo royalty.
You can be my queen bee in a harem of other bees.
Are you crazy, Arthur? Am I crazy? Every girl on Earth would kill for that offer.
[tense music.]
You know what? Fuck you.
And fuck you, too.
Dude! X marks the spot! Arthur! [grunting.]
[cheers and applause.]
Did you really think you'd be the first Primo to try and save his own skin by killing me? [chuckles.]
Please! Every Primo thinks that he's special that he'll be the first to break the mold and live on.
Go on.
Move.
And just like all the other pathetic saps, the signs were in front of you the whole time.
The Tribute the Tribute is a sacrifice.
We didn't even have to hide it.
You, uh blinded yourself with pride.
You see the truth is, in this dark and disgusting depraved world, no one's special.
No one survives.
No one leaves a legacy.
Not even you.
[moaning.]
Let the Primo Sacrifice begin! [metal music.]
[chanting.]
Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! Primo! [hacking.]
Please don't kill me.
Please don't kill me! [panting.]
[distorted voice.]
Say it in French.
What? Say it in French! Uh [French accent.]
Please don't kill me.
That never gets old.
[hammer clatters.]
Here's what's gonna happen.
You work for me now.
First order of business We need new board members.
Second order of business Get me up to speed on the Blood Drive.
[both panting.]
Those morons have a knack for overlooking potential.
It's so weird.
People take you way more serious when you have facial hair and pee standing up.
[dark music.]
[straining.]
You really think that's gonna work? It did before.
From his pathetic beginnings on the streets of LA, we witnessed the world's last "good cop" descend deliciously into darkness.
[soul reclamator whirring.]
But today, he emerges a champion.
[cheers and applause.]
Our greatest hero: the Primo! [cheers and applause.]
You don't care about Arthur.
I think you wanted this all along.
I think you set him up.
You think I want Arthur dead? Why the hell would I want that? Maybe because you want to be the Primo.
I want to be the Primo as much as I want a root canal.
I don't give a shit about being the Primo never did.
[grunting.]
I get that you two have a long history together.
And I respect that.
But please get it through your meathead skull: I care about him, too.
And I'm not the problem here.
This is the fucking problem! Say I believe you.
[panting.]
We need to think of a plan.
Whoa! I got a girlfriend.
I thought you and Arthur Just pee on it, you moron.
We can use it to bend the bars.
Today, we honor him with this Tribute! [cheers and applause.]
[laughing.]
[grunting.]
[urination.]
I don't mind the eye contact.
Yeah, you wouldn't.
In return, he gives us the ultimate gift: his body.
[indistinct shouting.]
His blood! And his soul! [crowd screaming.]
[suspenseful music.]
All right, RoboCop.
I'm gonna buy you some time so you can go rescue Arthur from that meat grinder while I distract Slink.
[gasping.]
All right.
Let's go get our boy back.
No flash photography of any kind.
Turn off your cell phones, keep your feet off the seats, and get ready to enjoy The show.
Now, my handsome little imbecile Any last words? I'm gonna skin you alive and wear you for Halloween.
Ugh! What I meant was, those were your last words.
Send him off! Bye-bye! You enjoy your trip, now.
In case of a water landing, put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye! [indistinct shouting.]
All right, you get out there.
I'll take care of Slink.
Slink.
You don't really want to do this.
Think about it.
Arthur's worth way more alive than dead to you.
Go on.
Well, if you kill him now, you put on, what, one good spectacle? But everyone here's already expecting him to die.
Subvert their expectations.
Surprise them.
Dazzle them.
I'm listening.
[shouts, jeers.]
Nobody grinds that ass but me.
On the other hand, if the Primo lives, you can continue the Blood Drive.
Think of how far you could take that.
[crowd screaming.]
Stand aside.
We both know I'm not.
He's going into that Soul Reclamator.
But he doesn't have to die.
Come again, say what? The Soul Reclamator! It processes souls.
Turns it into icky green goo that holds ten times, 100 times the energy potential of boring old blood.
Kind of like the engine in your Camaro.
Works the same way, just not as well.
That's so interesting.
Thank you for mansplaining that to me.
What the fuck does that have to do with Arthur? Well, if our boy has in fact become a true Primo and purged his soul, there'll be no soul to reclamate.
He'll simply tumble right through and land on the other side without a scratch.
Either he dies, or becomes a soulless monster who'll never love you.
No matter how you slice it, I win.
You really are a piece of shit.
I know! [screaming.]
[gasps.]
You all right? That bastard's gonna pay.
Arthur, it's over.
They're never gonna stop.
We have to get out of here before the two of them can kill you.
The two of them? She's been working with him this whole time.
Probably since day one.
I know you like her.
But it doesn't change the fact that she betrayed you.
That doesn't make any sense.
I'll prove it to you.
This eye records everything I see.
You think I want Arth I want Arthur to die.
I want Arthur to die.
I want to be Primo as much I want to be Primo.
I want to be Primo.
[tense music.]
There's only one Primo.
Let's make sure it stays that way.
It doesn't have to be this way, Slink.
Grace! [metallic clang.]
What the hell are you doing? No one treats me like this.
No one! Christopher! A little help! Help you what? Usurp the Primo? Not a chance in hell.
Finish her, Arthur! Don't do this, Arthur.
Call me Primo.
[grunts.]
[gasps, screams.]
Betrayal? Dramatic irony? How gloriously unexpected! This is the stage! This is the stage! Give a wide berth! Nobody on or off! Nobody on or off! [both shouting.]
I want multiple angles.
You, you! Get me close on the Primo.
Close on the Primo.
You! Two-shot! Get me a two-shot! Tracking! Track! Between the legs! Ah! [cheers and applause.]
Oh, thank God for improvisation.
[screams.]
[crowd roaring.]
[somber music.]
[growling.]
I won't beg.
I won't make you.
[sword clatters.]
It's over.
I agree.
[screams.]
You can kill me if you want to.
But I know who you really are, Arthur.
You used to stand for something.
And all that shit we went through it was for a reason.
It was the make the world a better place.
This fucking race it got us off track.
You're not bad.
You're Arthur Bailey.
Fight for that, 'cause that's worth fighting for.
[reflective music.]
Why won't you do it? Finish her! Don't be a pussy.
You weak fuck.
You know what? Cut your own balls off, while you're at it.
You were a shitty cop.
And you're an even shittier Primo.
Now do it! [dramatic music.]
[screaming.]
Tell me you got that.
[phone ringing.]
Julian Slink here.
You're canceled.
And I'm done with you.
[cheers, jeers.]
[raspy breaths.]
I was your friend.
[gurgling.]
[electronic voice.]
I was your friend.
I was your friend.
The fuck is that thing? How did you know it wasn't Christopher? I didn't.
I wanted to believe the things he was telling me.
I wanted to believe I was Primo [solemn music.]
That I was a god.
That terrifies me.
Arthur? I almost killed you.
You're the only person in the world I can trust.
The person I've fallen in love with.
[warm music.]
What about the Primo? This got me to the place that I could kill my best friend.
No, the jacket's just a symbol.
That wasn't you.
That was Heart.
This this just means whatever you want it to mean.
I can live with that.
So can I.
[horn honks.]
[rap music.]
Get the fuck out of my car.
You've been lying to us this whole fuckin' time.
Yes, but yes.
You spent all day trying to kill Arthur.
- Indeed.
- And you sent Christopher to convince me to kill Grace.
Au contraire.
No, that although it was fun to watch that wasn't me.
Look, here's the deal.
I'm done with their fuckin' notes, all right? It's time to put these assholes out of business.
You wanna, I wanna.
What do you say we partner up? You want to help us destroy the company that helps make your show? My show's finished.
I'm done with their chain around my neck.
Time for the wrap party, and It's gonna be a blast.
Got the idea from The Gentlemen's little escapade, so I rounded up these little puppies for just such an emergency.
Which is? We're a day's drive away from their headquarters at Heart Tower.
There's enough boom in this bag to bring that company down forever.
I'll even let you drive.
[ominous music.]
He's only fucked us over, oh, I don't know, every single time.
And we've survived, every single time.
We've been through way too much to let them win.
First Karma, now Christopher? Let's put those bastards six feet under.
Every last one.
There's one thing that still bothers me.
Who did that to Christopher? [rock music.]
I feel something.
I feel Hopelessness.
[door unlatching.]
Do your worst, bitch.
Is that any way to speak to the only person who knows you're still alive? Person? You don't even qualify.
Just a warning: this might sting a little.
I was your friend.
I was your When I found out this AKI unit had Arthur Bailey's partner hidden away down here, I almost had her body dismantled.
- Friend - But this little collection of hers, it really came in handy.
[dark music.]
Gross.
I built a new you to send to fuck with my sister.
But it failed.
[sighs.]
So, what are you gonna do about it? - Friend - How do you turn it off? You know, I could always send another copy of you to try again.
But wouldn't it feel good To have his thick neck between your hands? Turn it off.
Turn it off! [crack.]
The list of upgrades.
Christopher, think of what Do it! Give me all the mods.