Bob Hearts Abishola (2019) s01e15 Episode Script

Black Ice

1 - (PIANO PLAYING) - (SOFT CHATTER) Happy Valentine's Day.
Happy Valentine's Day, Bob.
It was so nice of them to give us free champagne.
Oh, there's nothing free about it.
It's part of the package.
- What do you mean? - Well, it's all included: champagne, dinner, and you're out the door for only three times what it should be.
Isn't this restaurant already very expensive? Yeah.
But it's worth it to spend this special day with my special gal.
That's lovely.
Let's eat.
Where are the menus? Ah, it's right there.
It's a prix fixe menu, which is French for "you'll eat what we give you.
" So you pay three times the price and you cannot choose what you eat? Happy Valentine's Day.
Maybe we should leave and come back tomorrow.
Why? It will be cheaper then, and we can choose what we eat.
But it's not Valentine's Day tomorrow.
Who cares? Me and all these other idiots.
This is a stupid and wasteful holiday.
Let's never do this again.
We will not.
- Rose for the lady? - Don't be ridiculous.
No, thank you.
So, I guess you probably don't want this overpriced piece of jewelry I got you.
Well, jewelry is different.
- Is it, now? - Yes.
It's very practical.
It's something that can be passed down through generations.
Yeah, like silverware or a genetic disease.
Bob, it's beautiful.
Hey, look, I did something right.
You can never go wrong with jewelry.
Well, I hope you understand that this bracelet is an expression of my love.
Thank you.
My love for you.
Abishola, I love you.
Yes, I understand.
And that's all you're gonna say on the subject? Bob.
Thank you for the bracelet.
(INHALES DEEPLY) (EXHALES) Thank you again for dinner.
And this bracelet is very special.
Do you love it? Oh, I like it very much.
Oh, good, so it's not just me.
(SIGHS) Well, good night.
Good night! ("IFANLA" BY SOLA AKINGBOLA PLAYING) The inclusions are very minimal.
At least four karats.
He did very well.
I thought so.
UNCLE TUNDE: I wish he had spoken to me first.
I could have got it for him cheaper.
He does not care about the price.
They believe the more you pay for something, - the better it is.
- And we know the cheaper you get it, the better you feel.
(CHUCKLES) Tunde is a wonderful negotiator.
He has left many jewelers in tears.
They are not real tears.
It's like a little show.
Even if Bob was cheated, this a lovely gift.
I hope you thanked him.
- Of course I did.
- Mm.
No, that is not enough.
You have to jump up and down.
That's what Americans do when they win the his and her Jet Skis on The Price Is Right.
It is also why you never see Nigerians on that show.
We know all the prices, but we are not big jumpers.
He told me he loved me.
Well, that's nice.
That is what I said, but he seemed unsatisfied.
I think he wanted you to say it back to him.
People here are always throwing that word around.
They love rock and roll, they love New York, they love Lucy.
- It is because they are too free with their feelings.
- Mm.
They are like puppies.
Racist, gun-loving puppies.
I told Tunde I loved him once.
- Really? - Yes.
When we first moved here.
I was trying to be more American.
It was very unpleasant.
I asked her to never do it again.
And I have kept that promise.
Hello, brother.
You realize it's Valentine's, right? Shouldn't you be drunk, crying and screaming outside your ex-husband's camper van? I'm changing it up this year.
I don't need a man to have a romantic evening.
I can have one with myself.
I just had a nice dinner, got some champagne, chocolates.
Tonight, I'm falling in love with a girl named Me.
That's one of the creepiest things I've ever heard.
It's called self-partnering.
Call it what you want.
Just lock the door when you're doing it.
I don't see you out on a date.
That's because I refuse to be manipulated by social pressure and cynical marketing campaigns.
You still banned from Tinder? Six more weeks.
At least one of us got shot by Cupid's arrow.
Hit me right in the ass.
What happened? Didn't Abishola love the bracelet? She doesn't love anything.
Might as well be dating a robot.
Oh, it's not Abishola's fault.
It's her culture.
- They're just not effusive people.
- If you want, Christina can teach you how to self-partner.
Here, come sit down.
You've got all the love you need right here with your brother and sister.
- Call me crazy, but I think I deserve more than that.
- Mm.
You're not crazy.
You're just wrong.
Can the three of us be any more pathetic? We could wheel Mom in here.
I asked.
She doesn't want to hang out.
What's going on? I am sorry, Mr.
I am trying to save his life.
He's messing with my mojo.
He went out and bought a dangerous motorcycle even after I forbade it.
It's not a motorcycle.
It's a scooter.
Very zippy.
You talking about that little red thing in the parking lot? Not red.
Rosso Passione.
Big difference.
Kofo, you are my cousin.
I promised your parents I'd look out for you.
I even made space for you in my home.
Above the garage.
If I have to live like Fonzie, I will drive like him.
You guys know Fonzie? - Aaayyh.
- Aaayyh.
He says he looks after me, but I sleep on a futon next to all his stored cans of house paint.
I can't throw them away.
They are for touch-ups.
Try telling that to a girl you are attempting to have intercourse with.
Hey, did you guys get Laverne & Shirley, too? You know Schlemiel, Schlimazel Hasenpfeffer Incorporated We should get back to work.
Look at this.
The day after Valentine's Day, and Chukwuemeka is still sending me gifts at work.
It's so embarrassing.
You could have left it in the locker room.
I could have.
But I didn't.
Here, read the note he wrote me.
"Kemi, my love" "My heart is open to you 24 hours a day "like most, but not all, CVS Pharmacies.
" "Check your local branch for holiday hours.
" He worships two things: providing low-cost, generic drug alternatives and me.
How is it that a Nigerian man engages in this lovey-dovey American rubbish? What can I say? My milkshake has brought the boy to the yard.
And you like this? I didn't at first.
But then he started to shower me with gifts.
You know, the other day, he gave me a heating pad and a humidifier, just because.
So you go along with something you're not comfortable with just for the gifts? Oh, I give him gifts, too.
I have done things with Chukwuemeka I have never done with any other man.
Kemi, you have to respect yourself.
I was talking about going on a picnic.
Whatever you were thinking of (QUIETLY): I have done with other men.
Hey, guys.
Hello, Mr.
Wheeler's brother.
I mean, I'm also Mr.
Wheeler, but whatever.
So, what's up? We have an HR issue.
- And you are head of HR.
- Oh, yeah.
Company policy requires me to take notes.
(CHUCKLES) (GRUNTS) Hang on a second.
I got it.
(GRUNTS) Wrapping.
(CHUCKLES) (GRUNTS) Oh, a pen would help.
(CHUCKLES) Mm-hmm.
Here we go.
Mightier than the sword.
So, what's the issue? And I have to warn you, if this is sexual in nature, I am a giggler.
Okay, shoot.
This man has stolen my Vespa helmet.
He is crazy.
Why would I want such a thing? Because it represents freedom, the open road, a general devil-may-care attitude.
It represents stupidity.
Okay, let me stop you right there.
This is a safe space, so, going forward, no one is stupid and no one is crazy.
Thank you.
Now, can you describe the stolen item? It is a shiny purple helmet that I polished this morning.
(LAUGHS) I bet you did.
I did.
He admitted it.
All right, safe space.
That one is on me.
What will I tell your mother if you get rear-ended by a truck? (LAUGHS) "Rear-ended.
" Sorry.
Fellas (GRUNTS) let me tell you what I see from over here in the HR chair.
This isn't actually about a helmet.
- Yes, it is.
- For my Vespa.
Look a little deeper.
What's going on here is about control.
- It is? - Oh, yeah.
Bob tries to pull this kind of crap with me all the time.
Thinks he knows what's best for me.
But if I want to take six months off and follow a jam band through Spain, that should be my choice.
Do you feel this way? About the jam band? About me controlling your life.
Uh, too bad.
I will not have you racing around on a scooter and go down on it.
(GIGGLES) "Go down on it.
" I am so sorry.
Hello, Bob.
Um May I speak with you for a moment? Sure.
What's up? I don't think I expressed to you how much the other night meant to me.
What was that? I was expressing my enthusiasm.
Abishola, that's not what this is about.
I wanted to know how you felt when I told you I loved you.
Okay, good talk.
This should help with the pain, Mr.
I'm scared.
Of course you are scared.
You are beginning a journey into the unknown.
But at the end of it, you will find peace.
In heaven? Well, that depends on your line of work.
Can I see you over here? (MONITOR BEEPING STEADILY) "Your line of work"? Well, he's certainly not going to heaven if he was a slumlord or a money lender.
How about, in the future, you just say reassuring things like "I know what you're going through"? But I do not know what he's going through.
He's dying, and I feel pretty good.
You're just saying it to make him feel better, Elsa.
- Elsa? - The ice queen from Frozen.
It's what all the other nurses call you.
Well, she's the heroine of the story.
Everybody likes her, even the talking snowman.
That (SIGHS) Never mind.
It's not your fault it doesn't come naturally to you.
Uh, what is that supposed to mean? You told me yourself how you were raised, how your mother never showed you affection or love.
My mother loved me very much.
- You told me she beat you.
- Yes.
When I was bad.
And afterward, she would bring me an aspirin.
If that is not love, I do not know what is.
You do not know what is.
It does not matter what I say to the patient.
What matters is that I give them the best care possible.
Isn't that right, Mr.
Holloway? Mr.
Holloway? Ah, damn.
Code blue! Come back to us, Mr.
I promise I'll be nicer to you.
DOTTIE: You know, I used to look forward to eating in bed.
But after four months of breakfast, lunch and dinner, it just pisses me off.
Would you like to have lunch in the chair? Nah, I'm not wearing any pants.
Look, I-I just want to give you a heads-up.
Uh, whatever happens between me and Abishola, it won't affect your care.
- What are you talking about? - Well, she and I hit a little bit of a rough patch - and I stood up for myself.
- Oh, honey, don't do that.
I'm tired of not putting my needs first.
I'm a grown man.
I don't ask for much.
A kind word, a gesture.
A kind word, a gesture? Yeah.
Sit down, Sally.
This isn't about Abishola.
It's about your ex.
This has got nothing to do with Lorraine.
Of course it does.
She hurt you very badly.
That just doesn't go away.
No, I-I moved on.
I did the work.
You ate your feelings.
That's work.
My point is, you can't blame Abishola for the affection you never got from Lorraine.
Or from you.
All right, you can go now.
DOUGLAS: That took balls, Kofo, standing up to Goodwin like that.
A big, swinging bag of them.
They're a lot smaller right now.
It's cold out there on the Vespa.
And scary.
In Nigeria, there is no black ice.
I thought Nigeria was full of black guys.
Black ice.
Got it.
I could never stand up to Bob like that.
It's understandable.
You have been coddled your whole life.
- Hey.
- It's not your fault.
You have never realized your full potential because you have not been tempered by adversity.
You're right.
My life's been so easy, it's actually really hard.
It's not too late, Mr.
Wheeler's brother.
You can challenge yourself, become an independent man who has earned his place in the world.
I collect watches now, and that's actually really important to me.
Oh, hey.
I didn't see you come in.
What's this? Eat.
It's delicious.
It is jollof rice.
My mother taught me how to make it.
I used to cook a pot of it for my family every Sunday growing up.
Listen, I didn't mean to make you feel Eat.
You understand that I did not enter into this relationship casually.
This is not some American fling where you swipe on the selfies to chill with the Netflix.
You know what I'm saying.
I do.
Actually, I don't.
I am committed to you and that should be enough.
It is.
Are you sure? You tell me.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY) Just so we understand each other, if you die, you still have to call your mother and explain what a fool you are.
I appreciate your concern, but I will be fine.
Please do your best to avoid black ice.
Black ice.
I hear it now.
I'll see you back at the house? Actually, I will be home late.
I'm going to a trendy hot spot where the women will be aroused by my dangerous lifestyle.
Yes? When you return, the paint cans will be gone from your bedroom.
But the touch-ups.
Live your life.
Have your intercourse.
If that should happen, I will think of you.
(ENGINE STARTS) Black ice! Black ice! Black ice! (SHOUTING) - Hey.
- Afternoon.
- E kassan.
- E kassan.
Excuse me.
When you said bracelet, I did not realize it was going to be the bling-bling.
Elsa got herself some ice.
I should not have worn it to work.
I forgot I had it on.
- You did not forget.
- I did not.
Now, does this mean that you and the sock man finally sealed the deal? (LAUGHS SOFTLY) They have done next to nothing.
Enjoy your humidifier.

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