Bob Hearts Abishola (2019) s02e08 Episode Script

Honest Yak Prices

1 Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola - Your husband is coming to America.
- What? That's a nice dress.
Tayo will like it.
It's not for him.
I just grabbed any old thing from the closet.
Well, your old thing has a tag from Nordstrom's.
I did not want him to come here.
Ah, a father must see his son.
Would you rather they eat at the Home of the Whopper? E kaabo, Dad.
Look at you.
(CHUCKLES) You are a man now.
Abishola, you look beautiful.
This dress is old.
I look the same.
Whatever your side of the story is, you've been gone for eight years.
She's with me now.
She's moved on.
I will be taking her back to Nigeria.
It is time for you to move on.
This chin chin is terrible today.
And yet you eat them as if they are going to run away.
Terrible chin chin is still chin chin.
I see you are enjoying my daughter's cooking, Uncle.
Oh, yes, like they were made with God's fingers.
Great service, Pastor.
You really gave Satan a run for his money.
Thank you, Bob.
Yeah, the way you jump around, sweating, screaming at people.
It's like if Jesus taught a spin class.
I accept your blasphemous compliment.
Uh, listen, uh, can I talk to you for a second? Of course.
I don't know if you know, but Abishola and I are engaged.
Yes, I am aware of this.
Well, technically she's still married to Tayo Adebambo.
And I am also aware of this.
(CHUCKLES) Well, I guess you only work one day a week, you got plenty of time for gossip.
That was a joke.
It's-it's a bad joke.
- Listen, you're from Nigeria.
- Mm-hmm.
Do you think you could pull any strings over there or over here or, you know, up there? Bob, Colossians, chapter three, verse 18 says, "Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
" I appreciate your support, but you've met Abishola.
She's not exactly the submitting type.
I'm sorry, Bob.
I don't think you understand.
Abishola belongs with Tayo, her husband.
Yeah, but what do you know? I'm sorry I took so long.
What is going on? Apparently your pastor here is Team Tayo.
I am Team God, but, yes, God is Team Tayo.
(LAUGHS) I have spoken to your husband, and he does not wish to divorce you.
You spoke to Tayo? He came to me for counsel.
When? 'Cause I tried to call you Thursday, and I got sent to a stupid prayer line.
Tayo believes that you can get past this misunderstanding.
Misunderstanding? He abandoned her.
- Bob.
- No.
I guess when you sent him out for groceries, he thought you said, "Go back to Nigeria and take a second wife.
" It's your classic mix-up.
Bob, please.
Thank you for taking the time to speak to us.
We will see you next Sunday.
Yes, of course, Pastor.
You're just gonna let him off the hook like that? Oh, he's not off the hook.
He will no longer be in my nightly prayers.
Oh, you are vicious.
("IFANLA" BY SOLA AKINGBOLA PLAYING) I'm just saying, if you change your phone number, Tayo will never be able to call you.
Can we go ten minutes without bringing him up? I'd love to go my whole life without bringing him up.
But first we got to figure out how to get rid of him.
No, I need to figure out why my new phone needs five Gs, when I barely use the Gs I have.
I'm Kevin.
Can I help you today? Yes, I would like a new, inexpensive phone.
Tap your number in here, we can get you all set up.
Would you like to look at our latest? - No.
- Okay.
Uh, so the account's under a Mr.
"Tay-o"? "Tie-o"? Am I saying that right? You're saying it enough.
You're still on his phone plan? It saves money when Dele talks to him.
I see.
Bob, that's all that it is.
Well, what if you join my family plan? I don't know that we can be on your family plan if we're not family.
But we will be.
(SINGSONGY): But we will be.
- Yes, we will.
- I don't know if this helps, but you don't have to be family to be on a family plan.
You could just be friends.
Doesn't help, Kevin.
I told you this was not going to be easy.
I understand.
I just feel like I'm the only one fighting for us.
Just because I do not scream at my pastor or make a scene at a cell phone store does not mean I'm not fighting.
I'm not making a scene.
- Am I making a scene, Kevin? - Uh Oh, now you got nothing to say.
Kevin, I do not want friends, I do not want family.
I want my own plan.
It's gonna cost a little extra.
I do not care.
I will pay it.
You really are mad.
EBUNOLUWA: Hello? Hello? Who is it? E karo, Mommy.
It's me.
My name is on the screen.
Oh, Abishola.
I think you need to adjust your camera.
I can only see your hair.
It must be a problem with your computer.
My computer is fine.
Are you talking back to me? Sorry, Mommy.
Your hair looks nice.
I have a new girl doing my wigs.
The old one was using yak hair and charging human hair prices.
Uh, Mommy, I wanted to talk to you about Tayo.
I have heard all about it.
Well done.
Well done? Getting engaged to force Tayo to come back for you.
Very clever.
No, I still want to marry Bob.
Don't be stupid.
You already have a husband, and you two are very happy together.
But we are not.
But I have told people you are.
- Why? - To protect your reputation.
My reputation is fine.
Because of my lies.
(KNOCKING) You wanted to see us? Yeah.
Come on in.
Shut the door.
Have a seat.
Listen, we've got a situation.
Is this about the vending machine? It gave me double Cheetos.
There was nothing I could do.
This isn't about work.
We need to talk to you as friends of the family.
- Please proceed.
- CHRISTINA: As you know, Abishola's husband is causing some issues.
The dude can't take a hint.
She's the best thing that ever happened to Bob, to us, and-and we can't lose her.
From what I understand, her husband will never grant her a divorce.
So what are we gonna do about it? - We? - You guys are Nigerian.
You know how this stuff works.
What can we do? - Legally? - DOUGLAS: Or illegally.
Put your vest on.
Take it easy.
We're just trying to help out Bob and Abishola.
I think my solution still has some merit.
Knock it off with that cockamamie idea.
Maybe we should let the Nigerians decide what's cockamamie.
Goodwin, Kofo, as you know, Nigerians are a noble, honorable people with high moral standards.
We'd like to exploit that.
Operation Secret Stork is a two-part process.
Abishola pretends to be pregnant with Bob's child.
We get a phony pee stick, counterfeit sonograms, the works.
And Tayo, so disgusted by his wife's sins of the flesh, demands a divorce.
Thoughts? - Kofo? - No, you go right ahead.
So, you would destroy this woman's reputation and standing within her family and community? Yes.
But she'd have us.
Kofo? I-I think what Goodwin is trying to say is, while your heart is in the right place, your actions are beyond reprehensible.
See? Cockamamie! Okay, but if we took out the morality, put it in a box, buried that box in a little shame hole, - would the plan work? - I suppose in theory - it could, but - Thank you! But her family may never speak to her again.
Well, that will be okay, because she's our family now! When my son sat me down, I thought he was gonna tell me he was gay or Republican.
- Which one is he? - Neither.
He's in love.
- With a man? - No, with a woman.
Tell your son not to rush into marriage.
He will end up disappointed, feeling foolish, and most likely alone.
Who tinkled on your toast? Tayo.
He left a trail of tinkle all around Detroit.
It was stupid of me to think this could work.
Why'd I say yes? Why did I give Bob hope? (LAUGHS) Sorry, you said "Bob Hope.
" Yes.
She has given Bob hope.
And soon Bob's hope will be dead.
(LAUGHS): He already is.
Get it? Never mind, never mind.
Bob does not understand.
No matter what we do, Tayo is not going to change his mind.
Of course he's not.
He's that stubborn? Is he a Taurus? He's Nigerian.
And a Taurus.
Nigerians can be very headstrong.
And vindictive.
I had a friend whose cousin stole her recipes and opened a successful catering business.
My friend then sent her cousin a tainted box of cilantro, which gave all of her clients violent dysentery.
Wait, doesn't your cousin have a catering business? Not anymore.
- Bob.
- Kaale, Tayo.
I'd like to introduce you to my attorney Arnie Goldfischer.
What's going on? I tried playing this the Nigerian way, but now we're gonna play it the American way.
Whoever has the most expensive lawyer wins.
And I'm very expensive.
How did you know I would be here? Took a wild guess.
We also came yesterday you never showed up.
Oh, I love this soup.
It's very spicy.
Cleared me right out, but in a good way.
Do you mind? Sorry.
Adebambo, my client is ready to go to great lengths to acquire the legal documentation from Nigeria to render your marriage to Mrs.
Abishola Adebambo null and void.
We're not messing around, Tayo.
We're willing to do whatever it takes.
Well, perhaps you will be needing to speak with my lawyer Kitoye Afolabe.
(CLEARING THROAT LOUDLY) Spicy? No, he's a good lawyer.
- You know him? - He's presented at international court.
Everyone knows Afolabe.
Perhaps this will not be as easy as you thought.
Okay, okay, so we both have bigwig lawyers.
No, his is bigger.
You know, they wear those powdered wigs.
I think it's left over from the English? It is.
Maybe you should try dipping your fufu in there.
All right, listen! Nobody wants us to spend a bunch of money tying this up in court.
(COUGHING) That time it was spicy.
The point is, maybe we can try something else.
How much would it take for you to just let her go? (CHUCKLES) So you are trying to bribe me into leaving my wife? What's the big deal? First time you did it for free.
Let me ask you something, Bob.
How much would it cost for you to leave Abishola? You don't have that kind of money, pal.
Ah so you do have a number.
Because I do not.
No, I-I don't have a number either.
But you see a Black man and assume that - you can just buy him off.
- Okay.
Hold on, this isn't a race thing.
If you were white, I'd still be trying to buy you off.
I'll buy off the lawyer, the judge, whatever it takes.
What?! Okay, evidently I should not have said any of that.
This isn't over.
Not by a long shot.
We'll go to international court.
Do you know any Nigerian lawyers? - No.
- Well, we'll find one.
And if we have to go there, we'll go there.
We'll make a trip out of it.
We'll have to find different accommodations.
My family will not allow us in their homes.
- Really? - Really, but I do not care.
I do not need my family or my church's blessings.
We're going to fight this even if it takes years and years.
Damn right.
Or we could just be happy.
What? You're here with me, and I'm here with you.
What are we fighting for? We already won.
(SIGHS) But this is important to you.
It is, but it's not what's most important.
It was going to be a nice wedding.
You would have made a lovely bride.
And we know I can wear the hell out of a tux.
Yes, you can.
Uncle Tunde and Dele were going to walk me down the aisle.
I like that.
That's sweet.
And there were going to be so many flowers.
- Calla lilies? - You remembered.
See? I listen sometimes.
We'd seal the deal with a buffet so people could stuff themself on fufu.
- No buffet.
- Really? Uh-uh.
This is a wedding, not a Sizzler.
(CHUCKLES) Sit-down, served dinner.
Well, we may not have a wedding, but I found our song.
I am not dancing to your Bob Seger.
I understand why you'd say that, but it's something else.
("LOVE DON'T CARE" BY SIMI PLAYING) Love don't care who you be - I like this, but this would not have been my first choice.
- No? You wanted that Bob Seger, huh? Love don't care who you know Watin you get, oh Love don't care at all.
Are you sure I need to come every week? It is important for us to show we have - nothing to be ashamed of.
- I mean, I got plenty to be ashamed of.
You know I used to smoke cigars and wear a little porkpie hat? It's a joke.
When I'm anxious, I make jokes.
I cannot believe I agreed to not marry you.
(TAYO SPEAKING YORUBA) (LAUGHTER) How long is he gonna be here? Too long.
Dele, come.
We're going to get our seats.
What was he saying? - I don't know.
I was pretending to understand.
- (CHUCKLES) I'm about to do a lot of that right in here.
E karo, Uncle Tunde, Auntie Olu.
So good to see you on this fine morning.
- I see that you are still here.
- (SCOFFS) Where else would I be? In Nigeria, with your second family.
- I'm sure they miss you.
- (CHUCKLES) Yes, well, I have family here, too.
Really? Oh, I would love to meet them.
Is there something wrong? Nothing is wrong.
Tunde, remind me, where was he eight years ago? Not here.
What about two years ago? Still not here.
But this year, Abishola found Bob, a man she loves.
And poof! Here he is.
You are like a child who has discarded a toy and then begins whining for it when another child shows interest.
Like a baby-baby, who has stuck his head in gravy.
I appreciate your guidance, but Abishola and I have a son together.
And what sort of an example are you setting for him? I am showing him he should go after what he wants.
Even if what he wants does not want him? You are making me seem desperate.
You are making you seem desperate.
Well, there are plenty of women who would love to be with a successful man like me.
Then maybe you should go wait for them at their church.
Oh, my wonderful wife, you have castrated him with your words.
Snip, snip.
I just do not understand what made him send this text.
Let me see it.
"You've changed "Many women want me I can do a hundred push-ups.
" Is that a text from Tayo? Yes.
I believe he no longer wants to be married to me.
So he just suddenly changed his mind? What an unexpected turn of events.
It is very odd.
Nigerians do not change their minds.
I'll bet you I scared him off with Goldfischer.
- It was not a goldfish.
- Uh-uh.
God must have heard your prayers.
And sent an angel to whisper in Tayo's ear.
So we're actually doing this.
- You're gonna be Mrs Abishola Wheeler.
- Mm.
Or you could take my family name and be Bob Odegbami.
Ode-bami? Odegbami.
All right, if I can't say it, we can't do it.

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