Bob Hearts Abishola (2019) s03e11 Episode Script

Cats in a Bathtub

1 Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola Sorry, it should work.
- I put money on it yesterday.
- Don't worry about it.
I have cash.
Relax, it's on me.
I saw you help out that rich old lady and her daughter.
You do what you can.
You can always tell the people who've never ridden a bus before.
They act like they're going on a poor person safari.
Their entitlement's disgusting.
Actually, Doug.
Down-to-Earth Doug.
That's what my buddies in the warehouse call me.
You know, it's important to have the support of the community when you first move to this country.
I am so thankful for it.
Then you should be very careful.
Regarding? I know you are Gay.
Thanks to you, I will soon have more grandchildren than my sister.
- How many does she have? - Only seven.
Chidi Connor Chukwuemeka.
It has a nice ring.
What do you think, Morenike? I cannot do this.
I threatened you.
- What? - This is your cover story.
I threatened you, and this is why you left our arrangement.
There were no other personal reasons.
No need to mention your lesbianity.
Although it is your life, and if you feel like you must I am not ready for that.
Oh, thank God.
God is good.
Well, you are in a wonderful mood.
I introduced Ebun the Terrible to Ogechi, the Equally Terrible.
Their combined judgment and negativity will consume them both.
Or they will join forces and destroy us all.
You doing all right there, Chuey? Hello, Bob.
I was just thinking about what could have been.
Yeah, I'm sorry about all that.
- You heard about Morenike? - I did.
She just did not seem like that kind of girl.
Well, you really can't tell that kind of thing by looking.
Although my mom thinks she can.
It just hurts to be rejected over something I cannot control.
I think that's better.
It's not you.
If she's gay, she's gay.
She's gay?! What's that, now? - I was told she did not like the size of my ears.
- Yeah.
- I think we're both saying the same thing.
- You said she was gay.
- No, I didn't.
- You did.
Well, don't believe everything you hear, especially with those tiny ears.
Real quick, we gotta talk.
- What is it? - It's not a big deal.
It might be a big deal.
It's a big deal.
Abishola, I love your church.
I'm glad you enjoyed it, Mummy.
That Ogechi is wonderful.
So beautiful and funny.
She reminds me of me.
You know that thing you were privy to, that then I was privy to, but no one else was privy to? Well, I may have made Chukwuemeka privy.
- What? - And I love the congregation.
Ogechi says I should consider moving.
What?! I would get to enjoy the Nigerian community here and be closer to you, Abishola.
I could be by your side at every moment.
But-but wouldn't Dele need your guidance and wisdom in Nigeria? It's fine.
We could FaceTime.
Of course you can stay as long as you want, Mummy.
Unless Bob can think of a reason why you could not.
Maybe I should go back to Nigeria with Dele.
What are you talking about? Just until you stop being mad at me.
Why would I be mad at you? - Is that Kemi? - Yes.
Oh, she'll tell you.
Hello? - Hey.
- Hey.
Would it be too forward to offer the bus driver a snack? Oh, it's kind of against company policy.
God, it's - Go ahead and take that.
- You devil.
I've been called worse.
So, now that I've effectively bribed you, maybe it's time we go on a real date.
You mean off the bus? - I do.
- I'd like that.
- So would I.
- Then we should.
- Why don't we? - I'm pretty sure we are.
Then it's a date.
I can't wait.
Excuse me? This guy in the Porsche in front of me.
Hang up with your accountant.
The light's green! Some people are just so entitled.
Plus, that's a base-model Porsche.
- He couldn't even spring for the Touring Package.
- Huh? Nothing.
Move it, loser! Never touch a lady's horn.
Got it.
We're not there yet.
Okay, so I spoke to Chukwuemeka.
He has promised he will not tell anybody about Morenike.
Which means his mother will know in about two hours.
And once he's told Ogechi, he's told the whole of Nigeria.
- Really? - Yes.
Same day delivery.
- She's the Amazon Prime of gossip.
- Mm-hmm.
It's hard to believe Ogechi got a bigger mouth than Kemi.
She does not.
It is true.
I have been known to spread a tasty morsel or two.
Morsel or two?! You come running to me every time one of your kitchen boys sleeps with another nurse.
Would you rather I not tell you? I didn't say that.
Okay, then.
Because Dominic is sleeping with a certain busty brunette in Pediatrics.
- Vanessa? - Bustier.
Joann?! You see, for me, it's not about the gossip.
It's about the joy it puts on people's faces.
I hate to think about what would happen if Morenike's family does find out.
You think they'll disown her? Or worse, call her back to Nigeria and force her to marry a man of their choosing.
At least she'll have a family.
Yes, a family, but no freedom.
Here she can be herself, frolicking with the other lesbians at the farmers market.
- What can you do? You can't stop the rumor mill.
- No.
But if you cannot stop the message, you can attack the messenger.
What do you mean? I could spread a rumor about Ogechi.
Something much juicier than Morenike's lesbianity.
What's juicier than lesbianity? I'm just spitballing here, but maybe something about Ogechi's mental state; perhaps dementia.
Or syphilis.
Or dementia caused by syphilis.
Ooh, look at that mouth go.
It's nice to see you use it for good.
I do what I can.
Hey, do either of you guys know any cheap date spots? My wife and I go to the library.
We each pick out a book we think the other would like.
That sounds lovely.
You do not know romance until you have had your wife read Tom Clancy aloud.
Does that get you laid? No.
Perhaps you can take a walk by the lake.
I know it smells like dirty diapers and dead fish, but sometimes you can see a sailboat.
So what I'm getting from both of you is that being poor sucks.
- Yes, it does.
- It is not the greatest.
What's going on? My working-class alter ego has a date.
Nice! What's that mean? Met this bus driver.
She's super cool.
But I kind of told her I was poor, which means I can't buy her things to get her to like me.
You do not have to buy women things to get them to like you.
Kofo, bud, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Douglas, just be yourself.
It has worked so far.
No, it hasn't.
She's never met the real Doug.
She only knows Bus Doug.
Bus Doug is charming and down to earth.
Can I meet Bus Doug? You'd like him.
He yells at Porsches and gives out pudding cups.
We just need to warn Morenike that her secret may be getting out.
Because of Bob! Do we have to mention the Bob part? Did you have to mention the gay part? Fair.
Be gone, servant of Satan! That can't be good.
We rebuke the demon of gayness.
- Exit! - Be gone! Don't just stand there.
Join the circle.
Morenike needs your prayers.
I really shouldn't.
I'm a Presbyterian.
Your child has strayed, O God.
Please, give her the strength to find her way back to you.
- Bring her back! - Hallelujah! Neither adulterers, nor men who have sex with men will inherit the kingdom of God! - Praise His kingdom! - Amen! Um, Pastor, just one question: what about the women? Excuse me? Well, you just quoted First Corinthians, which I do not believe contains any mention of lady love.
Just as man shall not lie with man, woman shall not lie with woman.
According to you.
But God remains rather quiet on the subject.
How dare you question a man of God.
He has dropped everything to help us guide Sister Morenike away from the devil's clutches! Let us pray.
Yes, for all our wretched souls.
What are you talking about? Haven't we all sinned? Leviticus says pork is forbidden.
Have we not all enjoyed the sins of a Baconator? Big-time sinner over here.
I, too, have strayed.
Plus, Romans 1:30 says that slanderers and gossips deserve to die.
Pastor does that mean we will have to put our dear Ogechi down like a dog? Do not be ridiculous.
You are the sinner, fornicating with my Chukwuemeka out of wedlock.
My biggest sin is enjoying every second of it.
You allow your son to be bewitched by that? - You are one to talk.
- What does that mean? Your daughter is divorced and married to a Presbyterian.
Come to think of it, I may be Lutheran.
See, he does not even know what God he worships.
He may be godless, but I heard you have syphilis.
Ooh, I heard that rumor, too.
Are you all right? Do you need to go home - and take care of your syphilis? - How dare you! I am not saying it is true, I am telling you what I heard on the streets of Detroit.
You do not want trouble with me.
You do not want my trouble.
I want your trouble.
I invite your trouble - Hey.
- Hey.
I thought I wasn't seeing you until later.
Yeah, I wanted to talk to you.
But first, I gotta pay with my black card.
You have a black card? Yes, I have a black card, because, Olivia, I am a douchebag.
What? I lied to you.
I'm not down to earth.
I collect watches.
I sleep on Egyptian cotton sheets.
I stand because I like talking to you, but also 'cause these bus seats are gross.
And these are $800 jeans.
$800? Okay, I lied again.
These are $1,200 jeans.
That's two months' rent.
I know that.
Okay, I lied again.
I didn't know that.
I have no concept of money.
Why are you saying all this? Because you deserve the truth.
You shouldn't date someone like me.
Yeah, I've been trying to change.
I have an actual job now, made some real friends, but deep down, I don't think I'll ever be good enough for you.
Got it.
Have a nice life.
That's it? A guy tells me he's a jerk, I'm gonna believe him.
Makes sense.
What did you expect me to say? I don't know.
In the movie version, you'd at least be touched by my honesty, and then pull the bus over and make out with me.
Stand behind the yellow line, please.
Thank you, Pastor! Come again, anytime.
He will never come again.
Abishola, what were you and Kemi thinking? I'm sorry, Auntie.
We were just trying to help Morenike.
I'll apologize to the pastor.
You should.
Your behavior was almost as shameful - as Ogechi's condition.
- Poor Ogechi.
Good thing her son is a pharmacist.
Can I get you some tea? No, thank you.
How about some of this cake? - No.
- You sure? There was a lot of fire and brimstone talk out there, but this right here is heaven on a plate.
- I'm so sorry.
- Okay.
No, really.
Even though it was an accident, I had no right to share your secret.
Yes, you had no right.
Is there anything I can do to help? I've been calling my parents all day.
No answer every time.
And now all I can do is wonder if it is because they are busy, or because they're never going to speak to me again.
So, no there is nothing you can do to help.
Got it.
I will speak to Bob, and if he agrees, I'll invite Morenike to stay with us.
Why would you do that? Huh? I assumed you would not want the old hens at church talking about you if she stays here.
We cannot control what people say.
And I am one of those old hens.
But I do not think Morenike will hide who she is any longer.
And I promised I'll support that.
I understand if you do not.
Her life will be very difficult.
But she is family, and family should never turn their back on you.
It happened to us when Tunde refused to take another wife.
I do not want that pain for anyone.
- Especially one of my beloved nieces.
- Mm.
- Morenike will stay here.
- Mm-hmm.
Of course she will.
- Mm.
- Mm.
Are you still playing this? We're having fun.
When I was your age, we had to escape our problems the old-fashioned way.
Hey, I'm a fan of the classics, too.
Nice role modeling, Uncle Doug.
I'm showing him what not to do.
It's very powerful.
You'll never make your life better by sitting around moping.
You gotta go out and live.
I'd have to take a bus to do that.
Ignore him.
One night I was down on myself like this one here.
But my girlfriends dragged me out to go dancing.
I tied one on, and the next morning I woke up with a headache and a future husband.
You never know.
- Tied one on? - It means she was drunk.
Drunk and hopeful.
Don't you forget that.
I'm learning a lot here.
What the hell? Hey, pass me his beer, would you? - Hey.
- Get in.
Look, I'm sorry I lied to you.
Like I said - Stop talking.
- Okay.
I don't like that you lied, but I believe you when you said you want to change.
You do? What can I say? I was touched by your honesty.
- See? That's what - I'm not finished.
I'm gonna give you one more chance.
But if you lie to me again, I'm gonna run you over with this bus.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Let's go to dinner.
Right now? Where the hell am I gonna park the bus? The place I'm gonna take you, throw enough cash at it, they'll valet anything.
That was really douchey.
Sorry, I'm still in recovery.
I'm gonna need you to tell me every time I do that.
Don't worry I will.
- Praise the Lord-o.
- Hallelujah.
I said praise the Lord-o! Hallelujah! Let us put our hands together.
You are the Lord You are the Lord! - Forevermore - Forevermore! We lift you high - High! - Offering praises to you, O God O God, O God Thy kingdom come Thy kingdom come! Thy will be done Thy will be done She's got confidence, you gotta give her that.
And the voice of a fallen angel.
Isn't she wonderful? You alone deserve the praise Almighty God You alone - You alone - You alone! You alone deserve our praise I can sit in the back.
You will sit with your family.
- You alone deserve the glory - Glory! - Yeah, you alone - You alone! You alone You alone deserve the praise - Oh, you alone - You alone - You alone - You alone - You alone deserve the glory - Glory!
Previous EpisodeNext Episode